Kiki's Replacement Service
Part Four
"Kiki?"
She did not respond.
"Kiki?"
The voice was familiar, so familiar that she knew it could not be real. The warm, often sarcastic, but overall comforting voice of Jiji filled her dreams. She knew it was not real, that she would soon wake up with dried tears on her face.
She wished things could be different, that she could go back and have it all again. She wished she could come to Koriko for the first time all over again, get a fresh start at making her own way in the world.
"If you did that, you could do it properly. Maybe you could do more than just fly."
That voice was familiar, one that had been there ever since she had started living independently. It was quiet, at first, causing her to stop and think before she made her big decisions.
"Should I really live in Osono's bakery? I barely know her."
"Should I really go out with Tombo today? I barely know him."
"Should I really stay over with Ursula? I barely know her."
The sound of rushing filled her thoughts as Ursula came to the front of her mind.
"Ursula is homeless now. So many people are now and it's all your fault."
She shook her head. She knew it could not be her fault, the extreme weather was not in anyone's control. She had saved Ursula and...
"It was Xavier," said the voice. "It's always been Xavier."
The new witch who appeared out of nowhere, bringing with him tragedy.
"It all makes sense, he's the reason all this stuff is happening."
"He has to go."
"You have to make him."
"But you can't do anything," said the voice, becoming harsher. "You can barely fly."
"It's a miracle you were able to help anyone during the flood."
"What kind of witch can only fly?"
"You can't save this town from Xavier, you can barely look after yourself."
"You should just leave, then he will stop what he is doing."
"Do everyone a favour and leave!"
"Kiki!" said Jiji, bringing her away from these rapidly intensifying thoughts. She could see him now, standing by her looking at her in the way he usually did when there was something on his mind. "Kiki... what's going on?"
She did not reply, how could she? In the quiet between Jiji's words, the thoughts began to intensify once more, quiet whispers becoming forceful cries.
"It's going to be OK, Kiki," he said, speaking platitudes and falsehoods. She knew this because as soon as she opened her tear-dried eyes, Jiji's voice would be gone again, in its wake the harsh, heavy thinking. "It's going to be OK."
"It really isn't," she told him. "How can any of this be OK?"
"This is just a normal part of life, Kiki."
"Nothing about me has ever been normal, Jiji. I fly on a broom and had a talking cat as a best friend, until that stopped."
"Well, yes, I guess we could look at that as being slightly against the grain. But, Kiki, you know that this is a normal part of life, what you're feeling?"
"Well if it is then I don't want to be normal! How can anyone feel like this?"
A weight of infinite pressure rested on Kiki's chest, consisting of so many different emotions that she could barely identify, let alone understand. The sound of wind blowed hard and the torrent of floodwater could be felt, washing over her despite her being completely dry.
"How can anyone live like this, Jiji? I want to go back to before. To before I came here."
"Why?"
"Because life was better then."
"Was it?"
"Of course it was!" the weight got heavier and over the roar of the water and the gust of the wind, she heard the cries of her critical thoughts.
"Just go back to Momma and Pappa, they kept everything there for you."
"They knew you were gonna fail, that's why."
"Go back and prove them right, you're no witch. You're nothing."
"You're pathetic."
"Flying around on a cheap broom."
"Saving Tombo was pure luck."
"You could have done more for Ursula."
"Osono definitely hates you."
"Xavier is better than you in every way."
"Stop trying to be something you're not."
"You're pathetic."
"Loser!"
"Kiki," Jiji spoke, his voice hard to make out over the torrent that caused Kiki's face to stream with tears. "Life has its ups and downs no matter how old you are."
"Stop taking advice from a cat."
"You really are a pathetic child."
"Go back home to Mommy!"
Kiki opened her eyes with a gasp, sitting up in her bed with a bolt, panting and sweating. She breathed heavily through the vividness of her dream before becoming aware of the slight breeze, She looked to the window and saw Ursula sitting on the ledge, gazing out at the distant horizon. The sleeping back that was next to Kiki's bed did not look as if it had been slept in.
As Kiki got up, Ursula looked around to her.
"Hey."
"Hey," said Kiki, going to join her. "Can't sleep?"
"Nor can you by the sounds of it," she replied. "I heard you talking. Sleep talk."
"Oh," Kiki rubbed the dried tears off her face.
"You doing OK?" Ursula asked, looking far out at the ocean. The waters had subsided and the winds were calmer from the flood the other night.
"Yeah," Kiki leant against the windowsill.
"You sure?" Ursula asked. "Other than the usual, I mean."
Kiki was not sure how to answer. She had a suspicion that Ursula had heard her talking in her sleep and was feeling vulnerable at the idea.
"Do you remember that painting of mine, back in the cabin?" asked Ursula. "The big one that I had done when we met?"
Kiki recalled the white winged horse flying over the cabin and the woods. Her expression fell as she considered that everything depicted in the painting, as well as the painting itself, was now gone.
"I've been thinking of that piece a lot the past few days," Ursula mused. "What does it mean to you?"
"It's destroyed and never coming back," Kiki spoke sombrely.
"But what did it mean?" Ursula pushed. "The symbolism."
Kiki let out a long sigh and decided to go with it.
"I guess... the horse is something powerful and free, flying high over the world and everything on the ground, taking care of itself."
"I like that interpretation."
"It's not doing it any good, though," said Kiki. "It was high and free but that didn't stop it from being swept away."
"I guess that's where our interpretations differ," said Ursula somewhat enigmatically. Kiki listened on as a gentle wind pushed her hair back.
"That horse wasn't free, not really. The house was its trapping, containing it from the world. It would fly high above, looking down on the town and people living their lives and then go into it's own space, not opening its doors for anyone. That's why, when the waters came, it got washed away."
"OK," Kiki was not really sure where Ursula was going with this but stayed with her.
"When bad things come our way, when storms arrive at our door and upset us, we can try to lock ourselves away and keep ourselves protected but that doesn't help. Not really. Not in the long-term. If we go out, walk with our friends and live on the ground, we can weather the storm together."
"Well if we had done that we'd have been killed," said Kiki dismissively.
"I'm not talking about the flood, Kiki," Ursula looked at her. "I'm taking about you."
"Me?"
"Yes. Things have been tough lately and I... I worry about you, Kiki. I worry about how you've been handling things."
The critical thoughts came back to her.
"See? Ursula hates you."
"She thinks you're hopeless."
"You are hopeless!"
"Kiki," she brought her back to right now. "A lot's been happening recently, with the town and this new witch. It's been an adjustment and I... I know that you're not your normal self. You're like how you were after you set up your business and stopped flying except... it feels a bit different now. Back then it was like you were low, had no fuel in the tank but now it's like you're holding something back."
"Like what?" Kiki asked her, stepping away from the window angrily. "Like I'm just a third-rate witch who can barely do anything that she's supposed to? I have no talents, I can only just about fly, and as I was getting settled into this new town some stranger from who-knows where moves in and takes away everything from me. How could I be holding anything back, Ursula? He's the one who keeping what is mine away from me!"
The wind outside picked up and Ursula went back inside, closing the window behind her.
"Go on," she said.
"What more is there to say?" Kiki spat. "I'm just old news, replaced. There's nothing I can do; everyone's moving on and I'm not doing anything. I can't do anything. I'm just a pathetic kid and there's nothing I can do, not here, because I've been bested by this nobody who can do so much!"
"You don't talk like this often, Kiki," said Ursula. "Is there more you need to say?"
"Why? What's the point? It won't help, it won't change anything."
"It might make you feel better."
"The only thing that would make me feel better is if Xavier just leaves and doesn't come back!"
The window burst open with a gust of wind, startling Kiki with a jolt. Ursula looked more composed going to shut it once more. Kiki breathed heavily as the shock elevated her heart rate, although part of her wondered if it had been beating fast before this. As she calmed down, Ursula shut the windows securely and looked to her knowingly.
"You don't talk to people," Ursula said. "Not about your deepest thoughts. Not really. You're upset, understandably so, but you're bottling it up and keeping it all in. And I think that's what's happening here."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, when you were letting out your anger the wind picked up," Ursula noted. "With everything else that's been happening, I see a link..."
"And that is?"
"I know you've been thinking Xavier is behind all of what's been happening in some way. His powers seem strong and mysterious but the link is actually you, Kiki. Everything that's been happening has been starting since you came back and were upset by him. Because you've been holding these feelings back they've been getting stronger and..."
"Oh no..." Kiki's eyes filled with tears as she collapsed on the bed. "Everything that's happened... the flood... the destruction... it's because of me."
The wind began to howl outside but Ursula ensured the window did not burst open again.