Chapter 4 - Bonnie (Originally Published: 28 August 2015)

Charcoal clouds swollen with rainwater blocked the early morning light, casting a dark shadow over the town. The absence of birds chirping and the scent of decaying leaves provided a feeling of melancholy. Bonnie inhaled deeply; the increasing crispness of the air felt thin, almost biting, as it entered her lungs. She sat forward, huddling over her cup of morning coffee, thankful for the warmth it provided to her numb fingers. The sudden, rapid pattering of rain droplets hit her windshield, as if the sky itself had opened up - cascading down in thick sheets, beating relentlessly against the ground in an almost soothing melody. She was suddenly glad she'd gotten to school early. It would be hard to navigate the road like this. She took a sip of her coffee, sighing contently as the bitter liquid warmed her insides. The world around her was absorbed in its own bleak tranquility, unaware of her existence. In this quiet moment, she was nobody. The stark loneliness was stifling, yet at the same time it was liberating to not have to think, or feel, or talk. She just was. All at once, just as quickly as it started, the rain stopped. She watched a small bead of water slide down her window, growing in size as it gathered others in its trajectory. The water droplet zigged and zagged, following no particular path. Sometimes it went slowly, as if it might stop moving completely, and sometimes it zoomed down her windshield in a burst of speed. Bonnie put her finger over it, tracing it as it fell.

A knock at her window startled her. She pulled the sleeve of her favourite sweater over her hand and wiped the steam from the glass. Aeryn stood there, bending forward to be eye level with Bonnie. Strands of wet hair stuck to her face and neck, still dripping with rainwater.

"Mind if I join you?" Aeryn asked, shouting to be heard through the door.

"The door's unlocked." Bonnie started the engine so they could make use of the heater. The defrost cleared a small patch of steam from the inside of her car, climbing up the window with steady resolve.

After getting in, Aeryn held her hands up to the heater vent. "Thanks, Bonnie."

"You look like you needed it."

"Yeah, it's freezing out there." She shivered, as if the mere thought were enough to chill her. "You're here early," she observed. "Are you waiting for Marceline?"

Bonnie shook her head. "No, just wanted to be alone for a bit."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want me to go?" Aeryn asked. She already had her hand on the door handle.

"No, it's okay. We never really just sit and talk anymore."

Aeryn groaned. "Ugh, I know. Both of our schedules have been hectic since like last year."

"School will do that."

They watched as one of their classmates walked by in front of them. "So, how are things with Marceline?" Aeryn asked.

Bonnie inattentively worried her bottom lip. "Confusing, to say the least. One minute she still treats me like I mean something to her and then the next she's so aloof that I can't tell if she even knows I'm there."

"Have you tried to talk to her about it?"

Bonnie shrugged. "Marceline just moved back. I'm sure she's still trying to get adjusted. I'm going to give her a few more weeks and if things haven't changed I'll try talking to her."

"That's probably a good idea."

"Where'd you park anyways? I didn't see you pull in," Bonnie said.

Aeryn pointed. "Way over there."

She squinted. "You parked next to Leslie?"

"What? God no." Aeryn looked again. "Ugh, I guess I did. And look who she brought with her."

Bonnie didn't have to take a wild guess, but she looked anyways. Phoebe stepped out of her friend's car, slinging her backpack over one shoulder. Her slim black pencil skirt made her legs look longer as she strutted confidently towards the entrance of the school.

"How does she always look so flawless," Aeryn said, more to herself than to Bonnie.

"She looks like she's trying even harder than usual."

Aeryn turned to look at her. "Do you think she's trying to look good for someone?"

"Who cares?" Bonnie sipped her coffee. "If she is, it's probably just some dumb jock."

"You think Phoebe likes sporty guys?"

"I think she just likes herself," Bonnie said.

Aeryn laughed through her nose.

By now, the car park was almost full. Bonnie glanced at her watch. They had just enough time to grab their books before class. She finished off the rest of her coffee in two big gulps and tossed the empty cup into the graveyard of others like it in the back of her car. "We should probably head in now," she said. She turned off the car and waited outside for Aeryn. After locking the doors, she pocketed her keys and started towards the school. The rolling sound of thunder shook the earth, making her stomach turn. Ever since a storm had caused Mr. Abadeer to drive his car into a tree, thunder and lightning made Bonnie nauseous. She hoped Marceline was okay. Bonnie could understand if she too hated, or even feared, the rain.

"Huh. That's weird," Aeryn said.

"What?" Bonnie asked, forcing herself to stop and look.

Aeryn pointed at a car that had just arrived. "Keila's here with Professor Carson, but Guy's not with them."

"Huh. That is weird." Bonnie watched as they walked up to the school together. "Although, I think it's more weird that Professor Carson is actually here on time."

The sky roared again in warning of the coming storm. Not wanting to be outside anymore, she set her pace to a light jog and left Aeryn standing by herself.

Finn and Jake were by their lockers when she arrived. She said hello to them and twisted the combination lock to get to her things. Almost immediately, Finn started telling her how he'd beaten a really hard level in his game the night before, but with the gloom of the weather and the sick feeling she'd gotten in her stomach, she just couldn't be bothered right then.

"Hey Finn?"

He stopped talking. "Yeah, Bonnie?"

"I'm sort of having an off day. Do you think you could give me some space for a few hours?"

"Yeah. Of course." He backed away from her, literally giving her space. "Where's Aeryn?" Finn asked.

"She should be coming 'round soon."

"Alright. I hope you feel better," he said, and with a pat on the shoulder he went to go tell the other girl about his game.

Jake leaned against the locker next to her, eyeing Bonnie expectantly.

She sighed. "It's just one of those days."

Bonnie pulled her hair into a neat ponytail. Next to her, Bea was squirting ketchup onto individual chips as she ate them. It was just the kind of eccentric thing that only she would do. Bonnie smiled. Across the table from her, the Mertens brothers were chugging milk to see who could finish theirs faster. Aeryn was seated next to Jake cheering him on. Bonnie wondered if they were ever going to realize how the other one felt. Jake finished his milk first and demonstrated his victory by slamming the carton down. The reverberation caused the trays to make a brief clatter against the table.

Finn slumped over. "Man. I thought I was going to win this time."

"You'll get it next time, Finn. I believe in you," Bea said, her mouth full of food. It made him smile.

Jake wiped a chocolate milk moustache with the back of his hand. Turning in his seat to stretch, something caught his attention. He leaned back in his seat to get a better look, raising an eyebrow. "In four years that's the first time I've ever seen Keila show up for lunch," he said.

Bonnie looked up. Sure enough, Keila was there. She walked slowly through the cafeteria, her eyes darting around for someone she might know. Bonnie felt bad for her. Raising her hand high into the air, she waved at Keila.

"Whoa, what are you doing?" Jake hissed. Everyone at the table aside from Finn looked uncomfortable.

I guess her reputation precedes her.

Keila saw her waving and came over to them. "Hey Bonnie." She looked around the table.

It must be super uncomfortable for people to avoid making eye contact with you.

Keila cleared her throat and looked back at Bonnie. "Did we have homework?" She asked, her voice strained.

"No, surprisingly. She gave us a free weekend."

Keila nodded. "That's good." She looked around the lunch room again, standing uncomfortably.

"Would you like to sit down?" Bonnie asked, gesturing to the empty seat next to her.

"Sit down? I don't want to be a bother. I don't think your friends like me very much."

Bonnie looked around the table. Finn appeared to be lost, but Jake and Aeryn looked ashamed of themselves. "They just don't know you. Sit down, please."

Keila sat next to her. For probably the first time ever, Bonnie's table had fallen completely silent.

"So where is everybody, anyways?" Bonnie asked. She had been curious about where Marceline was - she hadn't shown up late, or at all, to class - but right now she just wanted to break the tension.

"Probably still sleeping over at Guy's house. They all got so piss drunk last night that they were too hungover to get out of bed for school." Keila shook her head and added, "I'm the only one with any bloody sense. I left my bicycle at my own house though and had to ask Guy's dad to take me to school today."

"Wait, you spent the night at his house?" Finn asked.

She nodded.

"But you're a girl."

Keila laughed. "Our parents have talked to us about safe sex. And we've been together for three years. They're not dumb. It's not like they don't know what we're doing."

Finn's face turned beet red. He looked at his brother, hoping Jake would change the subject.

"Does Professor Carson know you drink at his house?" Jake asked.

Keila gave him a dark look. "Why? Are you going to tell on me?"

"No. I just think it's weird that a teacher would let a bunch of teenagers get pissed at his house," Jake growled back at her.

"He took all our keys. It's not like we were going to go anywhere."

"That doesn't matter. You aren't eve-"

"Stop fighting!" Bea screamed, jumping to her feet. Immediately the entire cafeteria went quiet. People from other tables were turning to look at them. Finn put his head down, trying to hide from the onslaught of stares and whispers.

Bea still stood, breathing heavy. "Stop fighting. Please." Her voice was quiet. "Who cares what she does with her life. She's being safe." She took a deep breath, taking a moment to collect herself before turning to face Jake directly. "Why are you being so mean, Jake? You're never mean."

"Is something going on here, Ms. Rae?" Principal Earle's grating voice made Bonnie's hair stand on ends.

"No, sir," Bea said. She sat back down, staring at her tray of half-eaten lunch.

"We just had a disagreement about football," Keila said.

Principal Earle nodded sagely. "Ah. Who do you believe will win next Friday?"

"Us of course, sir," Jake said. It appeared to pacify him, because the principal chuckled and walked away.

They spent the rest of the lunch period in awkward silence. When the bell rang, Aeryn and the Mertens boys got up to throw their trash away. They didn't say goodbye. Bonnie frowned; she'd just wanted everyone to get along for thirty minutes.

Bea walked behind her, her eyes downcast. No doubt she felt guilty for her outburst.

"Hey." Keila stopped them. She put her hand on Bea's arm and gave a gentle squeeze. "Thanks for being so big back there. I'm sorry we upset you." She looked at Bonnie. "I really am sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen. Jake and I just don't get on well."

Bonnie nodded. "You don't have to explain yourself, Keila. It was my fault anyways."

She laughed bitterly. "Why? Because you're a good person?"

Bonnie didn't have anything to say to that. She gave Keila a weak smile.

"Anyways. I'm off to gym," Keila said. "I miss seeing you there, Bea."

Bea looked up at her. "Really?"

Keila pushed a loose strand of hair behind Bea's ear. "You're beautiful. Don't ever let those dumb bitches make you feel like less of a person."

Bonnie felt like she was intruding on something personal, although she was happy that she could be there to see them share a smile. Keila said goodbye and left them to go to their next class together.

"Why do you think Jake and Keila hate each other?" Bea asked, her usual peppy demeanor returning.

Bonnie shrugged. "I wish I knew. It's not like him to hold grudges." She held the door to the art room open for Bea.

Mrs. Hannigan walked around the room, watching people work on their self-portraits and giving criticism where she saw fit. They still had another day to finish and most people were already done. When they entered, Mrs. Hannigan welcomed them with a smile. She generally left the two of them to their own devices. Bonnie suspected that was because Bea was her favourite student. It wouldn't have been surprising; the younger girl had a natural talent for the arts.

"I'll go grab our paint if you can get our portraits off the drying rack," Bea said.

"Sure." Bonnie set her bag down under their table and waited at the end of a queue that had lined up at the drying rack. When it was her turn, she grabbed their portraits. Since they were only permitted to use three colours, Bonnie's was yellow, purple, and pink. She initially wanted a skin tone, but mixing colours had not been her forte and she ended up with a light pink. Bea's on the other hand was teal, black, and sea green.

Bonnie set their papers down on the table. "I think it's interesting that you used square shapes to make your self-portrait," she said.

"Everyone sees the world differently. Most people would draw themselves with soft, circular shapes," Bea said.

Bonnie tried to decipher what she meant. "So you draw yourself with hard shapes because you see yourself as the opposite of everyone else?"

"Not the opposite per se, but I don't think I'm very ordinary. People are just so…" Bea trailed off. She looked like she wanted to say more. Bonnie wanted to be supportive, but she wasn't really sure what was weighing heavily on her friend's mind.

"I think you're vastly different from everyone else," Bonnie said. Bea looked at her, alarmed. She continued, "You're weird. And that's my favourite thing about you, Bea. Being different isn't a bad thing. It doesn't matter if you see yourself as a square person or a circle person. The difference is that you're extraordinary." She put her paintbrush down and looked up.

Bea's eyes were wet with tears. She held her bottom lip between her teeth, quivering slightly. "Thank you," she tried to say, but all that came out was a soft squeak. She opened her mouth again, but Bonnie interrupted her before she could speak.

"You don't have to tell me until you're ready."

Bea nodded and smiled brightly. She wiped her tears away with the sleeves of a shirt that was too big on her. "I'm all snotty now."

Bonnie laughed. "I have some tissues in my bag."

Ms. Pearl clasped her hands behind her back. "In your textbooks is a picture of Jane Seymour. Your book will tell you that she was queen of England during Henry VIII's reign, after his previous consort was executed for high treason. What your book doesn't tell you, however, is how she died. Can anybody tell me how Jane Seymour met her ill fate?"

"Miss," Leslie said, raising her hand.

"Yes?"

"She died after giving birth to Edward VI due to complications."

Ms. Pearl looked impressed. "Very good, Leslie."

"I think it's a romantic story, really," Phoebe said, absentmindedly picking at a loose thread on her blouse. "Henry married three more women and instead wanted to be buried next to her when he died."

"Yes," Ms. Pearl said, "although some would argue that the only reason he loved her was because she gave him the son he wanted." Ms. Pearl laughed uproariously.

Bonnie wasn't sure if she'd missed a joke. She was dreadfully bored. At this point, her open history book was starting to look more like a comfy pillow.

There was a tap on her shoulder. She turned around to see Keila looking down at her book, but her arm was outstretched and she held a folded up piece of paper for Bonnie to take.

She had to stifle a laugh when she opened the paper to find a couple of crudely drawn characters. One of the figures was what Bonnie could only think to describe as a lumpy blob of gas. It had a speech balloon coming out of it that said "Miss! Pick me! I know everything!" The other figure was a stick person on fire. An arrow pointed at it with the text "the devil" marked out and replaced with "Phoebe Edan".

Bonnie wrote back with "What the hell is Leslie supposed to be?"

"A fart. Because she stinks."

Bonnie smiled to herself, shaking her head. "You're very mature for your age."

"That's what I get for hanging out with a bunch of boys... and Marceline."

"To be fair, the boys are probably more mature than Marceline," Bonnie replied.

Keila's next note said, "They so are."

Bonnie drew a long rectangle and a fiery stick person in the middle of it. "Have you ever noticed that Phoebe always seems to think she's walking down a runway?" She handed the paper back and heard a snicker in return.

Worksheets were handed out to everyone. Bonnie set herself to getting hers done while she waited for Keila to reply. She flipped through her textbook, looking for answers to the questions. There was a tap at her shoulder. She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back in her chair to inconspicuously take whatever it was Keila wanted to give her. When nothing was put in her hand she turned around to see Ms. Pearl standing next to Keila's desk, waving their paper.

"I'm going to pretend that I did not see this," Ms. Pearl said, her voice stern. "In the interim, maybe you'd like to pay attention to the lesson rather than making fun of your peers who are doing what they're supposed to be doing."

A cold sweat ran down Bonnie's back. She stared down at the foggy text in her book, her brain telling her not to make eye contact with Phoebe or Leslie who no doubt knew that the note was about them. Morbid curiosity had won however, and she ignored her instinct. Bonnie looked up and found Phoebe and Leslie both glaring back at her.

Wonderful.

Bonnie jotted down the reading passage they were assigned for homework in her planner. She gathered her things and put them away. Next to her, Aeryn was already raring to go. She had to be home early today to help her parents clean up around the house. They were expecting a visit from her brother in Korea and his plane was due in the morning. When the bell rang, Aeryn said goodbye to her and took off. Bonnie had never seen her so excited for anything.

The other students in her class beat Bonnie to the door, so she waited patiently for them to file out. When she managed to exit the class, Bea was standing outside the room waiting for her. Bonnie had been giving her a ride home every day since she found out how miserable Bea was when she had to ride the bus.

Bonnie was dismayed to find that it was raining when they reached the car park. They hurried to her car and threw their bags into the backseat. She was suddenly well-aware of the mess she'd made in the back and vowed to clean it one of these days.

"What's your favourite food?" Bonnie asked when Bea closed the door behind her.

"Pizza. Definitely pizza."

"Oh, pizza is great. Do you want to get some before I take you home? My treat."

Bea's face lit up. She nodded.

Bonnie turned on the radio and joined the long line of vehicles waiting to leave. She felt bad for what happened at lunch. Keila and Jake's fighting had brought out a side of Bea that she didn't know existed, and Bonnie wanted to make it up to her by doing something nice.

"What's this?"

Bonnie looked over at the CD Bea held. It wasn't a proper CD, as it was labeled only with a black sharpie in the most atrocious handwriting Bonnie had ever seen. Her stomach fluttered. "Oh, that! I really need to clean my car out. I thought I'd lost that."

Bea pushed the CD into the slot on the car radio. The first song came on - soft, acoustic, but there was something tense in the picking. Another instrument jumped in, giving the song a more mellow vibe to it. Another voice. Bonnie reached over and turned the volume dial down until it was barely audible. Just as she did, the singer yelled, followed by a clashing of other instruments. It sounded as though she hadn't turned it down at all. At this new volume, the song alternated between the soft acoustic sounds and the heavy use of electric instruments and drums.

Bea blinked. "This is... not the kind of music I thought you'd listen to."

Bonnie laughed. "That's because it's not. This disc was a gift someone gave me a long time ago." The song transitioned seamlessly into the next track.

Bea bobbed her head along with the rhythm. "I like it though. It's really cool. The lyrics are kind of sad though."

"Yeah, they are." She turned down a street where the pizza parlour that she'd worked at over the past two summers sat. The closest parking spot she could find was at the end of the street. Bonnie parked the car and grabbed her umbrella from the back. It wasn't raining anymore, but with the weather as ever-changing as it was, one couldn't be too sure.

"I've never eaten here. Is it good?" Bea asked.

"It's great. They have any topping you could want, and it's not super greasy like the kind you get at chain restaurants."

They opened the door to the parlour and were welcomed by the jingling of a bell. Tables and booths were spread throughout the restaurant. It was probably due to the rain and the fact that it was a Monday, but there were very few other people seated.

"Hey Bonnie," a boy said from the counter to her left.

"Hey Chet. It's good to see you're still working here."

"Well, it's a job." He handed them a couple of menus. "Go ahead and sit wherever. I'll come get your order in a minute."

"Can we get a booth?" Bea asked.

"Sure. Let's sit by the window."

The window seat was always Bonnie's favourite. The shop was built atop a hill, so the window overlooked the sidewalk below them. The street further on looked dull in the gloomy weather, but it was still a nice seat.

"What do you like on your pizza?" Bonnie asked.

"I'm not picky. We can get whatever you want."

When Chet came by they ordered their drinks as well as a cheesy pizza with mushrooms and olives.

"Sorry for the way I acted at lunch today," Bea said. "I hate when people fight."

Bonnie didn't want to interrupt, she wasn't sure if Bea was done talking. She took the other girl's hand in hers and rubbed her thumb over it.

After a long pause it turned out that Bea did, indeed, have more to say. "When I was little, my parents got divorced. My only memory of them is all the fighting and the shouting. It was like I wasn't even there. I was happy when they told me they were going to get divorced. I thought I was finally going to have a proper childhood. But then neither of them wanted me and I've lived with my grandpa ever since."

"I'm so sorry. That's terrible." Bonnie couldn't imagine if her parents got a divorce. She loved them both dearly and it would tear her apart if they fought. She thought about their conversation in art class - about squares and circles. "Is that why you think you're different from everyone else?"

Bea shook her head. "No. That's… something else."

Chet brought them their drinks. Bonnie peeled the paper off her straw and stuck it in her cup. The other straw lay untouched.

"You know how everybody is either a girl or a boy?"

Bonnie tilted her head. "That's an odd way to start a conversation, but yes."

Bea wrung her hands together, looking away from Bonnie. "Nevermind."

"No, tell me. I'm sorry if I offended you."

"Well." She took a deep breath. "I sometimes feel like I am one. And then I sometimes feel like I'm the other."

Bonnie stirred her straw, rattling the ice in her cup. "What, like transgender?" She was trying to understand, and that seemed to make Bea more relaxed.

"Not really. I think the term is genderfluid. Sometimes I'm a boy and sometimes I'm a girl."

Bonnie nodded. She sipped at her drink. "That's why you transferred into art?"

"Yeah. Originally I had gym with Keila, but it gave me horrible anxiety when we had to go to the showers. I told Coach Thierry, but he couldn't care less and some of the other girls heard about it and started making fun of me. I talked to the counselor and she helped me change my classes."

"Do you have a name for when you're a boy?" Bonnie asked. She knew very little about other gender identities, but she had watched a documentary about a transgender actress. The actress had changed her name, but the media coverage on her was still getting it wrong.

"I've never really thought about it, but if I had one I'd pick my grandpa's name." The corners of her mouth turned up in a genuine smile. "He's the best man I know. He's called Moe."

It delighted Bonnie to see how fond Bea was of him. "Should I start calling you that? Or using other pronouns?"

Bea smiled even wider, but she shook her head. "I haven't really figured out what pronouns I like yet. Until then I'll just be Bea the She."

Bonnie laughed. "Or I could call you Bea-Moe?"

"That's kind of cute. Except I think everyone will wonder what to make of it if you started calling me a different name."

"Yeah, but they won't love you any less if you come out," Bonnie said.

"I know. Maybe when I figure it all out we can tell them together."

Chet brought their pizza out on a lazy susan and set it to the side of their plates. "Hope you enjoy it."

Bonnie thanked him and took a slice. She used a fork to cut it up into smaller pieces and ate them individually. Pizza was good, the mess was not. Across from her, Bea took a slice and grabbed a shaker of crushed red pepper from the condiment tray at their table. She shook out a hefty, almost terrifying, amount of pepper onto her pizza and took a big bite. Bonnie watched in awe as Bea devoured her food, not even showing an ounce of discomfort.

In the corner of her eye, Bonnie could have sworn she saw Marceline's truck drive by the window. She turned to see if she'd been mistaken, but the truck was too far down the street for her to make out the driver clearly. Something was different about the atmosphere. She felt lighter, more cheerful. Like a warm, soothing mass of energy had circulated through her whole body. As she stared off into the horizon, she realized that - for the first time that day - the sun had come out.