Harry Potter, Backwards with a Vengeance
Chapter 4
Of the three humans who turned around to see who had spoken, Hermione was by far the most shocked. Harry recognized his new boss, and Luna looked like she had been expecting this to happen all along. Harry briefly wondered about Luna's lack of reaction until he realized she also worked for one of the immortal beings representing a universal constant. For Hermione's part, it was only the memories that Harry had shared with her that kept the panic at bay.
Dobby popped his head out from inside the bin of yarn to see who the new voice belonged to. For a split second, he froze in fright at the sight of the Grim Reaper looming behind the great Harry Potter and his lifemates. The house elf's brain quickly rebooted. He disappeared with a slight pop to reappear between his new family and Death. Dobby was too frightened to say anything, but he still managed to hold out his arms in a semblance of defiance to the ultimate inevitable force.
Death held back a chuckle as he looked at the shaking house elf who was willing to stand between Death and a mortal. Dobby closed his eyes so he wouldn't have to see his own end as Death leaned down to whisper in his large ears. When Death leaned back, Dobby's eyes flew open and his shaking stopped.
"Yous be shitting Dobby?!" the house elf exclaimed.
Death shook his head. "I shit you not, little one," he replied.
Dobby turned to look at Harry. "Dobby always knew Harry Potter was a great wizard, but he never, ever thought Harry Potter was this powerful. Dobby being sooooo happy to be working for the great Harry Potter and his lifemates!" he said excitedly.
"What? What did Death…?" Harry started to ask before Luna grabbed his arm to interrupt him.
"Stop, Harry. Fate told me last night that it isn't yet time for you to know certain things. I promise you that if it was a bad thing, I would tell you," Luna assured her boyfriend.
Death faked a cough to grab everyone's attention. "I think everyone could do with a nice spot of tea. Harry, why don't you and I go upstairs to make some," he said while jerking his head towards the stairs. "Your soulmates need a few moments between themselves and with Dobby," he stated.
Harry looked at his girlfriends. Luna nodded her head in agreement. Hermione looked like she was about to burst, desperately wanting to know what Death had told Dobby. "Okay," he said simply. Harry walked past Death and made his way up the stairs.
As the Grim Reaper glided up the stairs, he looked first at Hermione and then at Luna. He waved his hand slightly, putting a silencing barrier between the basement and the rest of the house. "Miss Lovegood, my wife wanted me to pass along her permission for Miss Granger to know the secret, as long as she promises to not spoil the surprise," Death said before he left the basement.
Luna smirked at Hermione's poorly hidden desire to know what the hell was going on. "We can tell you what Death said if you promise not to bring it up until Harry does," she offered.
Hermione bit her lower lip as she weighed her options. Her loyalty to her boyfriend warred with her burning thirst for all types of knowledge. Luna's encouraging smile tipped the scales. "Fine!" she agreed.
"Hermione, the first thing you need to know is that Death's wife is my boss, Lachesis, the CEO of Fate, Inc. Our boyfriend is not only an employee of Death, LLC, he's also a child of prophecy. What makes Harry even more unique is that he is the child of two prophecies, one minor and one major," Luna explained.
"Two prophecies?" Hermione repeated hesitantly. "What's the minor one?" she asked.
"Trelawney's prophecy about Harry and Voldemort is the minor one," Luna replied. She gave Hermione a moment to process that before she jerked her head towards Dobby, who was nearly hopping up and down in excitement. "What Death told Dobby concerns the major prophecy," she stated.
Hermione focused her attention like a laser on the house elf. "Dobby, what did Death tell you?" she begged.
Dobby puffed out his chest in pride. "Dobby be working for the great Harry Potter, Death's apprentice! Dobby being a subcontractor for Death, LLC!" he said excitedly.
"Fuck me!" Hermione blurted out in shock.
Luna tilted her head to the side and then shrugged her shoulders. "Okay," she said before reaching out and gently putting her hand on one of Hermione's breasts.
Hermione pushed Luna's hand away forcefully and exclaimed, "Luna!"
The young blonde stepped back, her usual dreamy smile wiped away by the rejection. Hermione's heart broke when she saw the tear that started to slide down Luna's cheek. Hermione bit her lip as she decided to share with Luna something she had never told anyone before.
Hermione closed the distance between them, and took one of Luna's hands in hers. "I'm sorry, Luna. You just startled me, that's all," she apologized. Hermione blushed as she added, "Truth is, I like girls just as much as I do boys. I wouldn't be opposed to seeing if we can make our relationship a true triad once we get to know each other better." To prove her point, Hermione leaned forward and gave the pretty blonde witch a chaste kiss on the lips.
Fate smiled down at the girls as they shared their first kiss. As a boon to her favorite employee, Fate opened up the mental barriers between the young women, forcing them to share each other's memories. Both witches wrapped their arms tightly around the other while they shared all of their fears, pains, and joys. Tears streamed down their cheeks as they deepened the chaste kiss into a truly passionate one. Dobby politely cleared his throat to let them know they weren't alone. The girls separated, giving each other a shy smile.
To break up the embarrassing moment, Hermione asked Dobby a question that had been bothering her since he had shown up, "Dobby, why are you still wearing a tea towel? As a free elf, aren't you allowed to wear clothes?"
"Dobby being allowed to wear clothes, Miss Harry Potter's Grangey, but it still being an insult to a free elf if their employers be giving them clothes. Hogywarts not be having fabric that Dobby can make himself clothes out of," Dobby replied. He didn't bother to mention that the one pair of trousers he had found in the Come and Go room that were in his size had chafed his little Dobby.
Hermione smiled at Dobby. She pointed towards the corner of the basement where the female Dr. Granger kept her sewing machine and all of the fabric she had purchased for projects that she had never gotten around to. "Feel free to use anything there to make whatever you want, Dobby," she offered. With another squeal of delight, Dobby rushed over to the fabric, ideas for what he wanted to wear dancing in his head.
Hermione and Luna entered the kitchen hand in hand. Death and Harry were sitting at the small, four person breakfast table across from each other. When Harry looked up, Hermione said, "Luna and I have decided to try and make our relationship a true triad, as long as you're okay with it, Harry."
"Um… yeah… of course. That's brilliant!" Harry replied quickly. He would have gotten up to hug them, but the memories of Death explaining some of the benefits of having two girlfriends caused a sudden goblin uprising in his pants, making it hard to stand (let alone walk). The girls saw Harry's cute blush and they each kissed a cheek, causing his blush to deepen. Hermione and Luna sat down at the empty seats and allowed Harry to pour two more cups of tea.
Luna scrunched up her brows in confusion as she watched Death drink his tea. When he took another sip, she reached out and put her hand under his jaw, nearly touching his spine.
Harry choked a little on his tea, and asked, "What are you doing Luna?"
"I'm trying to figure out where the tea is going," Luna replied airily. She withdrew her hand when it remained dry, despite Death taking another sip.
"Honestly, Luna!" Hermione huffed. "We're in the presence of THE anthropomorphic manifestation of the concept of Death and you're wondering where the tea is going?" she asked in disbelief. After a moment, Hermione also had a look of deep thought on her face. "Actually, now that I think about it, that really is a good question." she admitted.
Death was saved from answering by the sound of the overhead garage door opening and a car pulling in. Alex Granger walked in from the garage holding a large paper sack of groceries in front of her. She made a beeline to the kitchen counter to put down the heavy sack. Once she had accomplished that, Alex turned to look towards the kitchen table. She let out a brief shriek of terror at seeing Death in her kitchen.
"No, no, no! I won't let you harm them! Take me instead, and leave the kids alone!" Alex Granger yelled, switching into full mother tiger mode.
Hermione stood up quickly and went to comfort her mother. "Mum, it isn't like that. Death hasn't come here to collect anyone," she assured her.
"If he isn't here to collect someone, why is Death sitting in my kitchen?!" Alex demanded.
In answer, Death held up his tea with one hand and pointed at it with his other. "I'm having a cuppa," he said as if that explained everything. Death noticed Alex's pale face that looked like she was rapidly heading to full blown shock. Ever the gentleman, he stood up. "Dr. Granger, it looks like you could use a cup much more than I do," Death stated, offering his seat at the table.
"Harry, let's head to your room. There is something we need to discuss concerning the cloak passed down in your family," Death said. As they started to leave the kitchen, the Grim Reaper paused in front of the refrigerator. With a skeletal finger, Death pointed at the appliance. "Dr. Granger, if you wish to make sure no one in this household needs a professional visit from me soon, you should probably toss out the salmon mousse," he suggested. Alex nodded her head in acknowledgement.
Hermione led her clearly stunned mother to the kitchen table and had her sit down. She then grabbed a clean teacup from the cupboard and poured Alex a steaming cup of British emotional support.
After a few calming sips, Alex looked up at Hermione with a glare that Harry and Ron were intimately familiar with. "Hermione Jean Granger, I expect you to explain things this instant," she demanded.
Hermione sighed. "Well Mum, it's sort of a long story," she stated.
"Not really, Hermione," Luna chirped. "Harry died a few years from now. In exchange for being allowed to come back and save the ones he loves from death, misery, and unwanted redheaded sexual assaults, he agreed to be an employee for Death, LLC. Also, Harry, Hermione, and I are in a three way romantic relationship that will last for eternity," she said cheerfully.
Hermione facepalmed and muttered, "Not really helping, Luna."
Alex looked from Hermione, to Luna, and back again. "I think I would like to hear the long version," she said flatly.
*HPBV*
Once in Harry's room, Death idly flipped through the albums near the stereo while Harry retrieved his father's invisibility cloak from his trunk. "Not a bad selection," Death said before returning his attention to Harry. "By human understanding, it's been a very long time since I've seen my old cloak. I forgot how little fashion sense I had back then," he mused. "I would like it back, Child of Peverell," Death requested formally.
With a heavy heart, Harry handed over one of the few physical links he had with his father. Death took the cloak and ran his skeletal hands over the shimmering fabric. When he was done inspecting the cloak and making some minor adjustments, Death handed it back to Harry. "There, I removed the special charms Dumbledore laid on it so he could track you even if you were wearing the cloak," Death told him.
"Thank you. I hope that one day I can pass the cloak on to my children," Harry replied, his voice choked with emotion.
"I'm afraid that won't be possible. You are the last person who will ever possess my invisibility cloak," Death informed him. Before Harry could ask why, Death snapped his fingers.
The fabric of the cloak switched from a solid to a liquid and slipped through Harry's fingers. Harry only managed to stare at his distorted reflection in the shiny puddle before it started to move on its own. He let out a small gasp as the puddle made its way up his school trousers. "Oh wow, that's really cold," Harry complained. Suddenly his eyes opened wide in shock and dismay. "Bad touch! Bad touch! What the hell, Death?!" Harry swore as he felt violated.
"I made it so that no one could ever take the cloak from you," Death replied, as he gestured to the mirror behind the young man. Harry turned around and gasped at what he saw reflected, or more specifically what wasn't. Harry became even more worried when looked away from the mirror and down at his invisible hands. "Don't worry. In a day or two you should be able to control the change and become visible again," Death assured Harry.
Harry quit looking at his lack of reflection and glared at his boss. He grew even more cross when he realized Death couldn't see his angry expression.
Ignoring Harry's consternation, Death continued speaking. "The next thing we have to discuss is how to make sure your soulmates and you aren't detected doing underage magic. I fully expect you to send me at least one Death Eater's soul before you start back at Hogwarts in September," he said. "I suggest you take Dobby and make a visit to the Ministry of Magic tonight. The sooner you remove the trace from Hermione, Luna, and yourself, the sooner you three can cast the fidelius charm around the Granger home," Death stated.
Harry relaxed his shoulders as he let go of his anger. "You're right. At least now I won't have to worry about tripping on the cloak," he admitted.
Death pulled back the sleeve of his own cloak and looked down at the hourglass strapped to his wrist. "I'm afraid that's all the time I can spare for now. You should go back to the kitchen and make sure everything is alright with your soulmates and Dr. Granger," he said as he opened the door for Harry. As Harry stepped out of the room, Death added with a chuckle, "See you around, Mr. Potter." With that, the Grim Reaper faded from sight.
"Oh, ha ha! You're hilarious!" Harry spat sarcastically.
Hermione heard her boyfriend's voice from down the hall and frowned. "Harry James Potter! Are you giving Death cheek?" she asked in disbelief. She managed to blink several times in shock when one of Harry's school shirts tucked into his trousers walked into the kitchen on their own.
The shirt folded its arms across its chest in obvious annoyance. "Yes, yes I am," Harry replied. Alex and Luna laughed as Harry unwittingly drained the tension from the room.
Matt Granger opened the door from the garage and called out, "I hope everyone's hungry. I brought home enough curry to feed a small army." He held a large plastic sack full of takeout in each hand.
Dobby appeared in front of Matt with a small pop. "Dobby be taking those," he said as he snatched the takeout away from Matt. As quickly as he appeared, Dobby popped away.
Matt walked into the kitchen, confusion written all over his face. "I could be wrong, but I think I was just mugged by a two foot tall Scotman," he said.
Dobby chose that moment to pop into the kitchen. He was dressed in a red and gold plaid kilt and wore a matching sash diagonally across his chest. With a snap of his fingers, Dobby caused plates, cups, and silverware to float out of their respective resting places and fly into the dining room. With another snap, the refrigerator door opened to allow several cans of soda and a chilled bottle of wine to follow the place settings.
"Never mind, it seems as though we have acquired a rather enthusiastic domestic help," Matt corrected himself. He finally noticed the set of clothes standing by themselves in the hallway. Matt turned to look at his wife who mouthed silently, 'Harry.'
Like fathers everywhere, Matt couldn't let an opportunity like this pass him by. "Harry, if I were you, I would never lie to Hermione or Luna since they can obviously see through any falsehoods you might have. Besides, from what Hermione has told me, your arguments for the most part are fairly transparent," he joked.
"Father!" Hermione scolded.
Alex smirked at her daughter's reaction. "You better get used to it, dear. One day Harry will be telling our grandchildren dad jokes just as terrible," she assured Hermione.
*HPBV*
The grangers and their guests were sitting in the living room, waiting for Dobby to return from Hogwarts with some things he thought he might need on the covert mission to the Ministry of Magic. Matt couldn't hide a smile as he looked over at the set of clothes sitting between his daughter and her girlfriend on the couch. Over a really good curry, the teens had explained things to him. As a father, he really couldn't hope for a better boyfriend for Hermione than one who literally went back in time to save her. It was definitely better than finding out his daughter had ended up with the redheaded arsehole she had written home about. As for Luna, Matt couldn't have dreamed up a better girlfriend to balance out Hermione's more serious manner.
Dobby returned to the living room with a pop holding a knapsack. "Sorry it be taking Dobby so long," he apologised. "The Hogywarts house elves not be wanting to loan out the objects of power to Dobby. They be changing their minds when Dobby be telling them it being to help the great Harry Potter," Dobby explained. Without saying another word, the little elf opened the flap of the sack and dumped the contents on the floor.
The silence in the room was almost deafening as the human occupants quickly looked around at each other, no one wanting to be the one to ask the obvious question. Eventually Hermione elbowed Harry in the ribs since he had known the crazy elf the longest. With a sigh, Harry asked, "Dobby what are those?"
Dobby smiled at the great Harry Potter and held up the first object. "This being Ravenclaw's Slide Rule. The Hogywarts elves not be knowing how it works, but they heard a student saying it saved their life on an arithmancy test," he stated.
Dobby put down the slide rule and picked up something the elder Grangers recognized from their college days. "This being the Bong of Hufflepuff. An older student be telling a younger one that it being the secret behind why the Hufflepuffs were always so easy going," he said.
"This being Slytherin's Strap-on," Dobby said as he lifted up the third object which was green rubber with a black leather harness.
"If it's all the same, Dobby, I think we would all rather not hear the backstory behind that," Hermione pleaded. She got nodds from the rest of the humans in agreement. "And please tell me the other house elves washed that before letting you take it," Hermione added. Dobby shrugged his shoulders, looked closer at Slytherin's Strap-on, and quickly dropped the offending object on the floor.
With reverence, Dobby lifted up the final object, a french baguette as long as he was tall. "This being the most powerful of all of the Hogywarts elves' objects of power - the Loaf of Gryffindor," he said in a hushed voice. Dobby swung the loaf of bread down onto the coffee table, breaking a corner of the wood table clean off. With a snap of his fingers, Dobby repaired the damage he had just caused.
-Flashback-
Gryffindor boys' dorm, 1975
Remus Lupin put down his rune etching tools, put his hands on the small of his back, and arched his spine. "Done, and that is the absolute last time I'm ever etching unbreakable and everfresh runes into something as soft as a baguette," he complained.
James Potter clapped his friends on the shoulder. "It will be worth it in the end. This will be the prank of the year, Moony. The baguette is the final part of the plan. I already transfigured 7 hedgehogs and Padfoot somehow managed to get his hands on a dozen muggle rubber chickens," he said.
As if he had been summoned, Sirius Black stormed into the dorm room with Peter Petigrew close on his heels. Without saying anything, Sirius kicked his school trunk in frustration, a literal growl slipping out of his throat.
James looked at Peter and asked, "What's with Padfoot, Wormy?"
Peter sat down on his bed with a dejected sigh. "We just got back from the kitchens. The house elves told us they had to replace Thursday's dinner of steak with shepherd's pie," he explained.
Remus threw his arms up in disgust. "Merlin dammit! There goes two weeks of planning and work!"
-End Flashback-
Dobby put the objects of 'power' back into his knapsack, leaving a bit of the Loaf of Gryffindor sticking out so he could get to it easily. Harry's clothes stood up and started walking towards the bedrooms. "Where are you going, Harry?" Hermione asked.
"As a house elf, Dobby can cast a powerful wizard notice-me-not charm on himself. If I want to go unnoticed, I'll have to be completely invisible. I'm just glad it's summertime. I have no idea how I'll do this in wintertime without freezing my balls off," Harry replied.
"But why do you need to leave?" Hermione asked.
"I'm not really comfortable with stripping naked in front of your parents," he stated.
Luna smirked in the direction of the floating clothes. "Harry, it's not they'll see anything they haven't seen before as muggle healers," she teased. Matt snorted and Hermione rolled her eyes. Luna looked at her girlfriend and asked, "Too soon?" Hermione nodded as Harry made his way to his room.
After a few minutes, they heard Harry's disembodied voice ask, "Ready to go, Dobby?"
Dobby took a step towards the voice and then stopped suddenly, grabbing his right eye. "Owe! Dobby's eye!" he complained.
"Owe! Harry's… I mean my balls!" Harry moaned. The rest of the occupants had to bite their lips to keep from laughing. "Dobby, just take my hand," Harry ordered. Dobby reached out his hand, grabbed something, let go, and yanked his hand back. "Yeah, Dobby… that wasn't my hand," Harry said needlessly. Everyone heard Harry sigh in exasperation. "Dobby, stick out your hand, slowly, and I'll grab it," Harry instructed. Dobby did as he was told and an instant later the two conspirators disappeared with a pop.
*HPBV*
Dobby and Harry appeared next to the Fountain of Magical Brethren in the lobby of the British Ministry of Magic. As they made their way to the lifts, Harry was thankful his bare feet made almost no noise at all on the cold marble floor. They froze when the closest lift opened and the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge, stepped out. Unfortunately, Fudge was such a piss poor wizard, Dobby's wizard notice-me-not charm didn't affect him as much as it should have.
Fudge looked right at Dobby and then around the rest of the lobby. "Um, excuse me, can anyone tell me why there's a house elf wearing a kilt carrying a loaf of french bead standing in the lobby?" he called out, even though he didn't see anyone else.
"Um… you fell asleep at your desk and you're sleeping walking," Harry improvised.
"Yes, well that explains it," Fudge said. "Why does my inner voice sound like Harry Potter?" he inquired.
Dobby jumped in and replied, "Because yous be knowing the great Harry Potter is more popular and better looking than yous."
Fudge nodded his head and sighed, "That's true." After a moment Fudge looked around the lobby again. "That's odd, in most of these dreams Harry Potter is naked," he muttered.
"Awkward," Dobby whispered.
Harry really, really didn't want to think about it. "To make sure you don't hurt yourself by being woken up sleep walking, you should probably head back to your office and lay down at your desk," Harry suggested.
"Yes, yes… that's a good idea. I'll do just that," Fudge replied before turning around and taking the lift back to his office.
Dobby waited for the lift to be out of earshot before he said, "Dobby can't believe Minister Dumb-dumb fell for that."
Harry thought back to all of his dealings with Fudge in his prior life. "I can," he said simply.
The two friends took the next lift down to level 2 where the Department of Magical Law Enforcement was housed. They followed the hallway until they reached a door that read 'Improper Use of Magic Office'. "Dobby, you wait here and keep a watch while I head inside. Hopefully it won't take me too long," Harry whispered.
Dobby saluted the general direction he thought Harry was in. "Yous can count on Dobby, Harry Potter, sir," he assured his employer.
Harry slowly turned the doorknob and pushed as quietly as he could. He was thankful the Ministry house elves kept all of the hinges properly oiled. Once inside, Harry saw two wizards sitting on either side of a huge machine. On the front of the machine hung a plaque that read , 'Magical Detection Grid for Underage Mudbloods, Halfbloods, and Blood Traitors. Generously donated by the Malfoy Family - 1991'. [Wow, subtle there, Lucy,] Harry thought sarcastically.
Harry crept over to stand right in front of the machine. While he was confident he could take care of one wizard without magic, Harry didn't think he could get the other before an alarm was sounded. While he tried to come up with a plan, the curry he had for dinner made its presence known. Before he could retreat, he let loose with a loud, noxious fart.
The wizard sitting to the right of the machine narrowed his eyes as he looked over at his co-worker. He sniffed the air and grimaced. "Really?" he asked sarcastically. He stood up and started walking towards the door. "I'm taking my pumpkin juice break," he snarled.
The other monitoring wizard finally smelled the fart and countered with, "Wow, real mature." He was looking at the monitoring board, so he didn't see his co-worker get clobbered by the world's only indestructible baked goods, or see the blood, spittle, and broken tooth fly from the impact. The monitor wizard did however hear the body falling to the floor just outside the door frame. "Norman? Was that you?" he asked. He stood up and followed his co-worker out the door.
The next thing Harry heard was the sound of hard rubber striking flesh instead of the cricket bat on flesh like sound from earlier. He shook his head and opened up the front of the large machine. Inside were hundreds of crystals that sat in cradles with a different name written below each of them. A note stuck to the inside of the door with a sticking charm drew his attention. 'Please ensure the crystals are placed in their cradles the same way we receive them. If a crystal is put in upside down, it will completely negate the trace.' it read.
"Huh, that's convenient," Harry muttered. He quickly found his name along with those of his girlfriends. The crystals came out of the cradles easily and went back in upside down with equal ease. With this part of his job done, Harry closed the door of the machine.
Harry's heart skipped a beat when he went back into the hallway to find it empty. He jumped a bit when Dobby popped back in. "Everything okay, Dobby?" Harry whispered.
Dobby nodded his head, making his ears flap. "While the great Harry Potter was breaking bad machine, Dobby was getting a list of where bad people like Dobby's old bad master lives. Dobby also be taking spying wizards to the cafeteria and memory charmed them so theys be thinking theys be getting into a fight over the last slice of cake," Dobby replied. He didn't think the great Harry Potter would want to know he also made a small detour to deposit his recycled curry inside the desk of someone with the title of Senior Undersecretary for the Minister.