A/N: Two chapters in one day. That should tell you something about how much free time I have atm. But here it is and it's a little brutal. Mentions of Lewis, so heavy subjects lies ahead (nothing more than they showed in the episodes).

"May 2013, where were you?"

"What?" He looked at her with a million questions written all over his face.

"May 2013."

"I was... We were somewhere in Greece, or Cyprus maybe. We moved around a lot before we settled down in Italy." He moved to the edge of the chair and stared at her with eyes full of worry and confusion.

"Working or traveling?"

"Traveling mostly, while the NYPD tried to figure out if they were gonna kick my ass to the curb or not."

Olivia nodded slowly as she started to walk back and forth.

"So you didn't follow American news?"

"Barely. What's this about, Liv?"

She moved back to the table then and opened the bottle, his eyes fixed on her shaking hand as she poured herself another glass. When he looked up, he was surprised to find that he didn't recognize her face. The face he'd been staring at for twelve years. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but something, or someone, had changed Olivia.

"Just so you know, Elliot, while you were enjoying your Mediterranean vacation and sipping wine at some coastal resort, I was handcuffed to a fucking bed, begging for my life, wondering if I would get to see you one last time before he killed me."

She went back to pacing back and forth.

Elliot's eyes widened with shock at her words. "Wha-"

"And when he asked if he should burn my clothes off or cut them off I prayed, prayed, that you would somehow magically appear and carry me out of that godforsaken beach house."

"Liv..."

"NO! Stop talking to me like you still know me. Like you know a damn thing about me!"

Tears were running down her face now but she didn't acknowledge them, or the way her hand clenched so hard around the glass that her knuckles turned a ghostly shade of white.

"Of course you didn't show up. You weren't there when he had me tied to a chair in my own apartment. You weren't there when I screamed while he burned me with cigarettes."

She went back to refill her glass again and she could sense how badly he wanted to grab the bottle from her hands.

"You weren't there when I nearly beat him to death, and you weren't there when he came back a second time and I was forced to watch him blow his fucking brains out so close to my face it took me weeks to clean him off me."

Olivia knew that she had lost control now. An old, but very significant part of her felt like she was back in that beach house, with that iron rod between her hands. Flashbacks from Lewis' grin, his breath against her skin, the smell of his sweat and the smell of burning skin and the sound of broken bones, all of it came rushing back. She shut her eyes as she kept pacing.

"He took everything from me."

Was she talking about Lewis or Elliot? She wasn't sure anymore.

Elliot was crying, too, now. Silently and painfully he let his tears fall as he watched Olivia, his stoic partner, his best friend for so many years, completely fall apart in front of him. He got up from his chair and moved slowly towards her.

"You weren't there!" She cried while pointing a finger to his chest.

"You weren't there for the nightmares, waking up screaming and puking my guts out. And you weren't there when Simon died, when Tucker died, when Noah was-"

"You weren't fucking there!"

She couldn't breathe. The nearly empty glass fell to the floor and shortly after, Olivia fell to her knees. Years of loss, pain and trauma finally forcing her to the ground, in front of the man who was a safe haven and a complete stranger all at once.

"Olivia..." He whispered her name gently as he knelt down in front of her. Unsure if he should reach out and pull her into his arms, or let her be.

When no more words came and the sobs continued he took a chance and reached out for her. He was a little surprised when he met no resistance and she let herself be pulled against him.

"I'm so sorry, Liv. So, so sorry." He whispered into her hair and his heart broke a little more when he could smell her shampoo, the same smell that she unknowingly used to leave behind in his car when he had driven her home, night after night a lifetime ago.

"Just cry."

And Olivia didn't really have a choice. She thought she had let most of it out during her late night confessions with Amanda the week before, but this was different. These weren't just tears. It felt like her body was being torn apart.

Amanda.

That's who she wanted right now. She didn't want his strong arms wrapped around her, like it didn't matter how he'd left. She wanted the comfort of Amanda's gentle hands and even gentler words. She didn't want this to be the way he eradicated the hurt he'd left behind.

Olivia eventually took a few trembling breaths and slowly moved away from him.

"I can't do this, Elliot." She whispered.

"Can't do what?"

"I can't..." She sniffled and dragged the back of her hands over her cheeks. "I can't keep fighting you. And right now that means I can't... I can't talk to you like this."

"I don't want you to be alone."

She scoffed at him. "I'm not alone, Elliot. I have people."

She lifted herself up from the floor, already mentally kicking herself for her sudden breakdown. He got up next to her and for a moment they just stared at each other.

"Look, it's not that I don't want you in my life. But it's too much right now. And I feel terrible about it because you just lost Kathy and I want to be here, for you, for the kids. But..."

"But you can't." He nodded slowly.

"Not right now."

As Olivia exited the hotel, she wiped away the last tear that would manage to escape her tired eyes that night.

She was halfway home when she realized her mistake. She was drunk and it wasn't even 6 pm, on a Sunday. She considered her options; Going home definitely wasn't one, while she had slipped a few times and had too much to drink while Noah was sleeping, he had never seen her intoxicated by anything.

All she wanted was Amanda. She physically craved her arms right now. But as she looked at her phone, she just couldn't get herself to dial her number.

It was too much, all of it. And as thick skinned as Amanda was, Olivia knew better than anyone that under that layer of fierce resilience, the blonde detective had buried a lifetime of hurt.

Olivia was not the only one who had been through hell and back several times and she wasn't about to become another hell that Amanda had to deal with. Right now she wasn't sure if that meant protecting Amanda just tonight, or all together.

She spotted a cafe across the street and decided it would have to suffice for a couple of hours while she sobered up.

As she sat down, clenching the warm mug between her hands, she remembered the crass words she had spat at Elliot just thirty minutes prior. "I'm not alone, Elliot. I have people."

What a fucking joke.

Amanda was half-awake with one girl sitting on the floor with her favorite Barbie and the other sitting beside her in the couch, hard at work with a four-piece puzzle that even Amanda thought looked a little challenging right now. "This?" Billie said, looking up at her mom with her big and wondering eyes before she a little aggressively tried to make one of the pieces fit.

"Girl, I honestly don't know."

She had given up trying to pay attention to the latest news on covid and the vaccine rollout, and a hectic cooking show was now playing in the background. Amanda was an avid reality TV show watcher and as much as she could butcher even the simplest of recipes, she watched with great fascination as people turned the most boring ingredients into edible art in just thirty minutes.

Just as there were ten seconds left on the clock and sweaty chefs were running around themselves, her phone vibrated against her hip.

Before she could reach for it, Billie was already holding it in her hands. "Dear lord, I'll be arresting you for shoplifting one day." She said as she took the phone from her daughter's surprisingly strong grip.

She hesitated for a couple of seconds when she didn't recognize the number.

"Hello?"

"Amanda?"

"Yeah, who's this?"

"It's Elliot. Elliot Stabler."

Amanda pulled the phone away and looked at her screen like an image of him would just suddenly appear.

"How did you get my number?"

"I'm still NYPD, remember, it's not rocket science."

"Yeah, right, why are you calling me? Did something happen to Liv?" Her heart was already beating faster.

"That's the thing. I'm not sure."

Amanda clenched her teeth together as she got up from the couch and mindlessly started to walk around her living room.

"What do you mean?"

"She was here, and she didn't... She wasn't ok. She had a lot to drink, and I just wondered if maybe she called you? I understand you're kinda close with her."

Had Liv told him about them? Drunk on a Sunday afternoon?

Nothing about this made sense.

"Tell me exactly what happened." Amanda said as she tried to keep her voice steady in front of the girls.

"She came here to talk and suddenly she just... I don't know what happened. She talked about something that happened in May... 2013, and the she lost it. I've known her for over twenty years, I've never seen her like that."

Amanda kept clenching her teeth together as she listened. With one arm she clumsily lifted Billie from the couch and put her down next to Jesse before she walked into her bedroom.

"With all due respect, detective Stabler, you haven't really known her the last ten years. A lot of shit has gone down."

"I know, I know."

He sounded deflated and Amanda desperately wanted to know what Olivia had said to him.

"What happened next?"

"She cried, a lot, then she told me she needed time, which is fine, but I just... I got a bad feeling after she left and I just wanted to make sure she wasn't alone. Did she call?"

"No, she didn't. But I'll call her."

"Thanks."

"And Elliot, this isn't really any of my business, but you really hurt her, and there's a lot of things you missed. So please, give her time."

"I know. I will."

"And I'm sorry about your wife."

Her hands were sweaty when she hung up the phone and stared at the screen.

Suddenly she felt terrible about everything that had went down over the last week. "So stupid." She muttered as she found her nanny's phone number.

One of the few perks of being an SVU detective was definitively the very flexible nannies that knew they could be called at any time. It had become an inside joke between Amanda and Olivia how Lucy and Sienna were basically their body doubles.

"Sienna? Hi, it's me."

"Need me to come over right away?"

"You're a godsend."

Fifteen minutes later, Amanda was walking down the street with her phone clutched to her ear.

"Pick up, Liv. Come on."

"Amanda?" A husky voice finally said.

"Thank god. Where are you?"

"Why are you calling me?"

Ok, just gonna pretend that didn't hurt like being shot in the shoulder.

"Just tell me where you are."

"I'm fine, Amanda."

"Nope, we're not doing that tonight. Tell me where you are or I'll have TARU track your ass."

Silence.

"Liv?"

"The Noi Due, on Columbus Avenue."

"Sit tight."

Amanda was a runner, and even with her bad knee she could still outrun most perps, but the twenty minutes it took her to reach the cafe still felt longer and more excruciating than any marathon she had ever finished.

She was panting heavily when she opened the door, suddenly aware that she didn't have her mask on. A few of the patrons eyed her critically when she clumsily reached inside her pocket and silently thanked a higher power that she hadn't thrown it away earlier.

Finally, she spotted the brunette sitting by herself at one of the tables close to the restrooms.

"You're here." Olivia said and stared up at her.

"Of course I'm here."

"Why? How?"

Amanda studied her eyes for a second. She wasn't passed out drunk, and she wasn't really slurring her words. But her eyes looked glossy and tired, and she noticed the way her hands were fidgeting, but like they were moving in slow motion.

"Elliot called."

"He did WHAT?"

If Amanda hadn't gotten enough attention when she literally stormed into the cafe, she was certainly getting it now.

"He was worried, and I can't say that I blame him."

"How... How does he even have your number?"

"He's NYPD, Liv."

Olivia rolled her eyes and let out a little puff that made her mask expand before it sunk back down.

"What happened?" Amanda asked, her voice softer now as she was slowly managing to calm herself down.

"I really don't wanna do this tonight, Amanda. I'm tired and I'm just trying to sober up before I go home."

"Fine. Then we'll do just that." The blonde leaned back on her chair and folded her arms.

Amanda expected Olivia to fight her on it, so when her captain didn't say anything, it worried her even more. The way she looked right now, there was no fight left in her.

When she suddenly reached for Amanda's hand and grabbed it, Amanda's heart started to race yet again.

What the hell happened tonight?

A/N: Truth time: I struggled a lot with this chapter. I wanted to do Liv's emotions justice. And I know 2011 Elliot would probably never call anyone like that, but I think 2021 Elliot knows that it's not his job to be Liv's support right now. If you hate it or love it, let me know.

Ok, I'll show myself out now.