Most of the time, plans to achieve ultimate power are very much complicated and confusing for the average person. However, this is not always the case. I say this because in my plan for achieving greatness, all I have to do is play paperboy.
So far I have given away a good half of the fliers given to me by my master, and it's honestly not that hard, regardless of how much Issei complains.
blip
Oh! a my very first contract, addressed to a… Mil-tan. I put a little demonic energy into the flier and I prepare my customer service smile.
fwoomph
And here I am, in front of an average looking apartment door. I ring the doorbell and politely wait for the contractor to arrive.
kreeee
The door was in desperate need of some grease but I was distracted by another thing, a towering, musclebound man in a magical girl costume.
"Are you the devil, nyo~"
Not what I was expecting, but I could work with it. Satan knows that I have met weirder people. Well, to the abyss I go.
~One hour later~
Turns out there was much more to Mil-tan (Real name: George Arasaka Milton) than I thought. To grant his wish, I needed to slowly modify his body so that it could process magic much more efficiently. Thankfully, the flier does most of the work while my demonic energy acts as a power source. However, this process was to take an hour or so, so I had plenty of time to get to know him.
A notable thing that I learned about him was that he was ex-military. In fact, he served over a decade and a half until he had to retire due to his health problems, mainly his Acromegaly. After I learned of this, instead of taking the typical payment of money, I asked for some gun training. So, I'll be seeing more of him throughout the next few weeks.
Who knew that my first proper friendship in this new life would be with a middle-aged magical "girl". Life sometimes gives odd curveballs like that.
Now, as we essentially had free time for the next few hours, we decided that the first lesson should be today. He called up his friend who worked at a nearby park and we were on our way.
~10 minutes later, down the street from the abandoned church~
For the first time in a while, I'm actually in a good mood. Probably due to the fact that I get the chance to use some serious fucking firepower. The man may not seem much but he's pretty loaded, not only in money, but in rifles as well. In his hands, he's carrying a GM6 LNYX, which is a good rifle for shooting a home intruder… in your neighbor's house… behind a meter thick concrete wall. Go big or go home I guess.
While I was carrying the ammunition for this Fuckheug rifle, I saw Issei down the street with a… nun, aren't those bad for devils? Well, might as well see how he's faring.
"Hey Issei!"
He turns to me and I could see the blood drain from his face as he sees who's next to me. A magical "girl" built like Lou Ferrigno, carrying a giant handcannon, is a lot to take in at first. I look next to him to see the nun bluescreening in front of my eyes.
"W-W-Wha… h-how… wh-" Issei's eyes are like dinner plates.
"Issei, meet my new friend and instructor, Mil-tan!"
"Nice to meet you, nyo!~"
Issei eventually recovers from what was probably a traumatizing sight for him and composes himself to introduce the nun.
"Uh.. this i-is Asia Argento-san."
"H-Hello," the nun greets meekly.
"So… uh… I was giving away fliers and I saw her on the ground so… I… decided to help her." Issei explains.
See! Issei isn't just a pervert! He's a fucking precious cinnamon roll that shoul-
bonk
Calm down bro-con, I need to actually think right now. Right, so… I look down the street and see a church. Which I would assume is not exactly the best place for a devil.
"That where you going?" I ask pointing to the church.
They nod, I turn to the nun and continue,
"You can make it the rest of the way, right?"
She nods and continues on her way, not before saying goodbye and waving. When she was out of view, I offer Issei a chance to come along with Mil-tan and I for some training, which he quickly declines and goes on his own way. His loss.
We finally arrive at the park and make a makeshift gun range.
Time for some sweet, sweet Dakka!
~Hyoudou residence, the next morning~
Turns out those gun lessons came with a side of PT, not that I'm complaining too much since the stronger I get, the better. But having a former drill instructor in a magical girl costume gives a hell of a lot of motivation to unfuck yourself quick.
"IT'S NOT FUCKING ROCKET SURGERY TRAINEE, POINT THE FUCKING RIFLE AND SHOOT, NYO!"
Ugh... shudders
I fight through the soreness and carry on with my day.
~ORC, after school~
I walk into the clubroom just in time to see Rias giving Issei an ass-chewing.
"Never go near a church again, you hear me!? Churches are enemy territory, home to exorcists, a devil's mortal enemy." Rias' face looks almost as red as her hair.
Issei nods dumbly.
"A devil hit with holy power will be completely destroyed with no hope of returning, understand!?"
"Hai, Buchou" Issei says weakly.
Rias slumps down a bit, looking exhausted,
"...I'm sorry I yelled at you... I'm just worried about your safety. Please be careful from now on."
"Sorry for interrupting!" Akeno enters the room, "The archduke has passed down an order of suppression."
And that its how we ended up in front of the creepiest abandoned warehouse I've seen in both my lives. The satan-damned place is just begging for someone to steal your kidneys. We passed through the rusted metal doors of the warehouse.
"Issei-kun, Iyahiro-kun, this is a good chance for you both to watch us devils in combat." Rias starts
Are you sure this is a good idea, we've literally been devils for like 2 days.
"Also, I should explain to you the traits of underlings." Wait NOW! FUCKING NOW! You could have told this shit before we left the damn club!
They continue off in a tangent about chess or some shit while I'm busy trying to process that she thought it was a good idea to delay telling important shit until the last possible second. For fuck sake, Rias!
"So… what piece am I." Issei asks.
"You are a pawn while Iyahiro-kun is a rook." Clarify quickly, that doesn't mean shit to me.
A horrible smell permeates the air, and Issei and I start to gag.
"Stray-devil Viser, we came to destroy you!" Satan-fucking-damnit why did you announce our arrival Rias?
Before I could bring this up to my dearest master, something is thrown towards Issei and I. Issei dodges whatever it was while I was not so lucky. While I was gagging on the stench, something flew right in my mouth.
…
I spit it out as fast as possible onto my hand.
…
…
…
ITS A DICK! A BIG HAIRY ROTTING DICK THAT FLEW RIGHT INTO MY MOUTH! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!
bleurrrgh
I vomited up everything in my stomach, but I still couldn't get that taste out of my mouth. This is the worst day of my life, not counting my birth and death.
"What a nice scent..." A creepy whisper comes out of the shadows.
I finally got my faculties in order and looked up to see a WHAT IN THE SHIT MCFUCK IS THAT!?
"Just like your flesh must be fresh and red, right. I really want to eat it!" The thing continues.
"What the hell is that?!" Issei asks, looking even more freaked out than when meeting Mil-tan.
"I wish I could answer that." I respond to him. I can still taste the smegma... bleh!
"What an appearance that lacks etiquette," Yeah Rias, like that thing cares, "It fits you well."
"What a pretentious little girl, should I stain you with fresh blood like your crim-"
While Rias and John Carpenter's The Thing were busy talking each other to death, I did something that would shut the thing up.
I threw the dick back towards the thing's face.
munch squish munch
That wasn't the plan. It caught it like an elephant eating a peanut. Everyone else looked at me like I was a fucking lunatic.
…
"… so we gonna fight the fucking thing now?"
"Language!" Rias admonishes. OH FUCK OFF! "Yuuto-kun, if you will..."
"Hai," and off Mr. Perfect goes.
"I'll continue the lecture then," Perfect time and place, master, "Yuuto's role is a Knight..."
Mr. Perfect dodges a slash from the thing at super-Sanic speeds.
"and Knights are known for their speed." Just as the thing was about to stomp Mr. Perfect, Jailbait comes out of nowhere and suplexes it.
"Koneko-chan is a Rook, just like Iyahiro-kun," Good to know. Koneko tanks a hit from the thing's tail.
"Bishops have increased abilities in magic," Mr. Perfect and Jailbait beat the absolute shit out of the thing like there's no tomorrow.
"And finally..." Akeno comes out and fries the thing with a shit ton of electricity.
heh heh… Power… UNLIMITED POWER!
"Ara, ara~"
"Akeno, the Queen, who has the abilities of the Knight, Rook, and Bishop combined," Akeno continues going all emperor Palpatine on the hoe and I'm enjoying every second of it, and so is she,
"Ahn~, please scream more~..." A little too much.
"Akeno-sama is scary..." Issei whispers, shivering.
The thing is prone on the ground, not doing anything besides the occasional twitching.
"Now any last words?… no?… okay then," Rias conjures up a big black ball of something I don't want to be on the other side of.
fwoomph
Not a trace left of it and a big hole in the ground.
"Good work, everyone" Rias congratulates.
"By the way buchou, what does the pawn do?" Issei asks.
…
"I'll tell you later."
Ok then…
After some magical clean-up, we get out of there and everyone goes home while Rias and Issei stay at the clubhouse. Well… except for me, I have some more training in the loving arms of Mil-tan. Satan help me.
~That night~
I shuffle throught the door like a zombie. Issei looks worried at me but I wave him off and go eat my portion of dinner. I barely finish my food, shower up, and sleep like the dead.
…
"Welcome back." A familiar voice calls out from behind me in the void.
"Oh hey, monkey-"
"Mumkey-"
"Mumkey, how are you doing?"
"Not fine, not fucking fine at all thank you very much!"
An awkward silence later…
"So what is my sacred gear?" I ask cutting straight to the heart of the matter.
"Hold on for a sec." Mumkey then conjures up a computer and desk and turns it on.
"Oh for fucks sake!" Mumkey yells.
I look around and I immediately see why he's so pissed off:
Working on updates 6%
Don't turn off your PC. This will take a while.
Seems like even in the void, you can't escape from the hell that is Windows Updates.
~7 hours later~
We've been sitting here in silence for what feels like years and I'm starting to go crazy. Seems like monkeyfuck feels the same way.
Thankfully, Bill Gates had some mercy and the computer starts working again.
"Fucking finally! Ok, so this explanation was supposed to last at least an hour but because of this piece of shit, I only have a few minutes before you wake up." He pulls up a file.
"Dominus Tempus, let's you control certain aspects of time and entropy, including slowing, speeding it up, and the fun part: Inversion." That doesn't open up a huge ass can of worms at all.
"Inversion?"
"You walk backwards and shit."
"That doesn't really help at all."
"You'll figure it ou-"
[WAKE UP! WAKE UP!]
...Hello Issei's alarm clock, nice to meet you again…
Now how the fuck does this thing work?
AN: My humor is getting worse and worse. Also, $0 dollars goes to the first person who figures out what movie I'm shamelessly ripping off of with this sacred gear.