April

I was sitting in front of the TV and eating take out when Rose came home from work at 8pm on a Wednesday. She had been working overtime pretty much every night for the past three weeks and we barely saw each other more than a couple of hours every day. She dropped her things loudly on the floor and removed her high heels by practically throwing them against the wall next to the shoe rack. I put my food down and looked at her walk through the room without acknowledging me to go to the kitchen. She was either exhausted or in a bad mood. I debated whether to stay put or join her, deciding on the latter.

When I walked inside the room, she was shuffling between the fridge and the cupboards then slammed the microwave door shut after putting her plate inside.

"Hello?" I dared say but she ignored me, pouring herself a glass of wine instead. "Is everything okay?" I asked, oblivious to what was coming my way.

"I'm fine," she insisted so I could understand that she was feeling the complete opposite. "I would simply like to be left alone, if you don't mind."

"Did something happen at work?"

"Please, I don't want to talk about it right now, okay?" she snapped.

"Rose…"

"Get out!" she pleaded, and I was so taken aback that I hurried back to the next room.

I tried to ignore the voice inside of me that urged me to get back in the kitchen and try to calm down my wife. I could hear loud noises coming from the other room, but I eventually just gave up. I walked upstairs to take a shower then went to bed. When I woke up in the middle of the night, Rose was sleeping with her back facing me, something she seldom did.

The next morning, I came down to see her getting her things ready. She would be out the door in a few minutes. I stood on the last stairs and looked at her, unsure if she was in a better mood since she didn't acknowledge my presence.

"Good morning," I ventured out.

"Hey," she replied curtly.

"Did I do something?" I asked.

"Did you?"

I was confused. She obviously knew something I didn't so I was at a fair disadvantage.

"What the fuck is this?" she declared before throwing some papers at my face.

I caught a quick glimpse of what it was and swallowed hard. Maybe it was a jerk move, I agree, but she was not supposed to see this.

"From one side I keep being pushed by the partners and then you blindside me and look into adoption behind my back. I am furious with you."

"Rose, I… I'm sorry," I stuttered. "I didn't want you to find out this way. I wanted to get some information before we talked about it, okay?"

"We did talk about it and I told you that I wasn't ready to give up yet."

"It's not about giving up," I argued back. "I just thought…"

"Whatever. I have to go. We'll talk about it tonight when I get back," she shouted.

"Okay. But…"

She slammed the door shut before I could say anything else. I was trying to blame her for going through my stuff and finding the damn thing but I knew that I carelessly left the folder on my dresser. She had every right to be infuriated. I knew she was facing some issues at work with some of her colleagues regarding the clients she was taking on. She didn't need me to be an asshole on top of it. In my defense, I didn't think she would be this angry when all I did was trying to find an alternative to make our biggest wish come true. But deep down, I understood. She did tell me.

I felt like a piece of trash through the whole day. I took advantage of my day off to prepare an honest apology. One that was worthy of my sizable mistake. I went to the grocery store to buy everything I needed to prepare dinner. I stopped by the flower shop, hoping the flowers would bring a smile to her face. At home, I wrote her a letter to let her know how I was feeling about the whole thing but mostly how I was feeling about her. And that I was sorry, deeply sorry, and that I would do anything to erase the horrible thing that I did.

I showered, shaved, and dressed up in my pale blue shirt – her favorite – and black slacks. Downstairs, I put a pink bow around Ginger's neck and she strutted proudly around the living room, earning a chuckle from me. For now, Ginger was the closest thing to a child that we had and oh boy, was she spoiled.

I looked down at my watch to see it was six o'clock. I turned on the news in the living room and went to the kitchen to start on dinner. After 45 minutes, I put the dish inside the oven and turned to my cellphone. I pressed Rose's name and put the phone to my ear. It rang and I waited. And waited.

"Hello, you've reached Rose Hockley. I cannot take your call this instant, please leave a detailed message and the number where I can reach you – "

I hung up. She was either still in a meeting or she was straight down ignoring me. I cleaned the kitchen while dinner was still in the oven then I called Rose's cell again. I was greeted by her voicemail once more. I frowned and decided to call the office in the hopes that someone was still there to answer me.

"Thompson & Clark LLP, this is Angela speaking, how may I help you?" a young woman answered.

"I would like to speak to Rose Hockley, if that's possible."

"Hold on for a moment, Sir," she said before putting me on hold.

The fact alone that she told me to wait was calming the anxiety growing inside of me. She was probably only busy on a case and didn't see the time.

"Sir?" Angela's voice asked.

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry but it appears that Mrs. Hockley left the office almost two hours ago. May I take a message?"

"No, I'll try her cell again. Thank you very much," I said before hanging up.

Furious but also extremely worried, I dialed my wife's number. I closed my eyes when it was her voicemail that picked up again.

"… this instant, please leave a detailed message and the number where I can reach you and I'll call you back as soon as possible. Thank you."

"Baby, it's me. Listen, I know you're angry with me but I'm worried sick so could you please call me back. I love you, bye."

I looked up from the phone and saw on television that traffic was terrible downtown. There was an accident. Three vehicles, five injured. Three mildly, two pretty seriously. I quickly scanned the screen and saw that the cars were a minivan and two Toyotas. I exhaled. I somehow forgot to breathe in the last few seconds. The oven announced that dinner was ready so I took it out and let it rest on the counter.

My phone started ringing and I knew that Rose finally came to her senses. Or that I was worrying over nothing. Some stupid reason would justify her not answering. She didn't have any battery left or she forgot her phone at the office. It wouldn't be the first time.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Am I speaking with Mr. Caledon Hockley?"

"Yes, this is he."

"Hello, my name is Stephanie and I'm a nurse at George Washington University Hospital. I'm calling because your wife, Rose Hockley, was in an accident earlier today."

My heart was hammering in my chest and the air in my throat was narrowing. Ginger sensed the alarm and started barking like crazy, running laps around me.

"What happened? How is she? Is she alive?"

"She's in surgery right now."

Her steady and compassionate tone managed to appease the hysteria battling inside of me.

"I suggest you come right away and we can discuss the situation further. I'm afraid there is not much I can tell you right now. The doctor will be able to update you once you'll be here."

"I'm on my way," I stuttered while struggling to put on my shoes. "I'll be right there. Thank you."

I didn't take the time to turn off the TV or put dinner away. I simply took my keys and my cellphone and ran to my car.

All I could think about as I was driving semi-safely to the hospital was that the last time we spoke wasn't a good moment for the both of us. I was ashamed but also devastated that her last words to me were filled with anger and resentment. I was too scared to even cry. I was scared to get there and hear that she passed or that she was severely injured, wheelchair for life kind of injured. I was only imagining the worse.

What was she doing at that particular spot was still a complete mystery. Was she in one of those vehicles, that somehow I didn't recognized, or was she an innocent bystander? I needed to know. I had so many questions.

I finally pulled up in the parking lot and realized my hands were shaking. I ran inside, asked the reception where to go and was informed to remain in the ER waiting room while they located the nurse I spoke to over the phone. I didn't argue, aware it was useless, and sat on the most uncomfortable plastic chair. I tried to catch my breath, my head between my knees, until I was approached by a young lady in her thirties.

"Mr. Hockley?" she asked.

"Yes," I said, getting up and suddenly feeling dizzy.

"I'm Stephanie. We spoke on the phone?" she said and I nodded. "Come with me."

I followed her, each corridor seeming colder than the previous. The panic inside of me became restless and I wondered for how long I would have to feel this way, still.

Calmly, the nurse explained that Rose was at the wrong place at the wrong time. That when the cars collided, one of them targeted the sidewalk, injuring two innocent pedestrians. Rose included. Stephanie didn't hide the fact that my wife was the most wounded and that she was actually the only one battling for her life, right now. That statement alone sent the tears to my eyes and only then did I feel the sobs in my throat.

"Where is she?" I managed to ask. "Can I see her?"

"She's still in surgery," the nurse told me. "I can go and ask the doctor how long it will be but I'm sure you'll be able to see her once she's out."

As I sat next to the bed, holding Rose's hand, I cried shamelessly. She was in bad shape. I was notified by the doctor that in the collision, one piece of metal had stabbed her in the thigh – and remained there until they removed it surgically. There wasn't a part of her body that wasn't bruised. I almost couldn't recognize her when they rolled her in. She was hooked on a ventilator and a bunch of wires were everywhere on her. She was in a coma for the time being but there was still activity in her brain so if she would wake up was entirely up to her by now.

A nurse was stopping by the room regularly to check on her. I kept silent every time, somehow unable to let go of her hand.

"I'm right here, baby," I whispered into her ear before kissing the side of her head. "I'm not going anywhere. I don't know if you can hear me but I love you. I love you so much," I said, pushing her hair away from her face.

I squeezed her hand as she lay there, motionless.

An hour later, I managed to call our neighbor, James. He had a key to the house and I asked him if he minded taking care of Ginger for a few days. He accepted right away when I explained the situation, offering his services for longer if I needed it.

I spent the night at the hospital, but didn't sleep one bit. I wasn't sure if I could ever sleep again, not matter how exhausted I was.