I finally got this chapter finished! life's been so hectic lately, I've barely had any time to write this. I've also had to rethink a lot of what's coming in this story, and it's had a major rewrite in my head, so that took some time. Hopefully chapters won't take as long in the future.

For anyone wondering about everyone's ages in the story Edward is 30, Bella is just about to turn 30, Emmett is 33, Rose and Jasper are 31 and Alice is 28.

I hope you like it!

Chapter 4

BPOV

I had forgotten how much I had loved living alone. Having your own space was a luxury after months of staying with family and friends. I felt more like myself, the me I had been before moving back to Forks to care for my Dad, and I finally felt like my future was brighter.

My new apartment was in a small complex in Meadowbrook in northern Seattle. The apartment building was U-shaped, with a grassy courtyard full of trees that children played in when it wasn't raining and garden beds where residents could plant vegetables. My apartment was on the second floor, something my father insisted on, and had a good sized galley kitchen, a bathroom with a bath and a bedroom with north-facing windows. It wasn't big, but it was everything I needed.

There were some lovely cafes nearby, and a fantastic bookshop that was on my walk to the bus stop and Light Rail station I use most. I had found it very hard to not drop in and spend countless hours perusing the shelves whenever I walked by. It wasn't too far from Emmett and Rose's townhouse, which was a little further north in Echo Lake. It also wasn't too far out of the way from Jaspers usual route to school, so we would be able to carpool to work.

I had been extremely lucky that Jasper had recommended me as a substitute teacher when I came to stay with Emmett and Rose after the new year. Evergreen Academy was a P-12 alternative school based on Steiner education principles. It was unlike the other schools I had taught at, but their programs had amazing success with students. Teaching the English curriculum at Evergreen felt more like the kind of literature classes I had in university, and every day the students came in ready and eager to learn. It was so unlike the downtown public school I'd been in last time I lived in the city, and it was so far removed from Forks Highschool it wasn't funny.

Jasper was a history teacher there, having gotten the job there about two years after graduating. He'd always talked about the school and it's programs so highly, but he was pretty sure the only reason he got the job was because the principal had a massive crush on him. Heidi Hunt was an attractive woman, no doubt, but not only was she his boss, she was also married to the district superintendent.

When one of their English teachers took a fall on a patch of ice in February Jasper pulled a few strings, batting his eyes at Heidi, and suggested I would be great. I was qualified, eager, and available straight away. Heidi agreed to have me come, and the week I was meant to cover turned into three months and an offer to come back permanently in Autumn. I was incredibly grateful to Jasper, though I tried to stemmy the feeling that I didn't earn the job on my own merits. It wasn't a helpful, or healthy, mindset and I was trying to let go of useless negative emotions that would only hold me back.

We were currently halfway through the summer holidays, but Jasper and I had gone into the school a few times to set up our classrooms and get started on lesson planning. My classroom has a wonderful view of the front lawn, with its large trees that blocked the view of the carpark beyond. Only the upper years were allowed to use the front lawn during recess and lunch, due to its proximity to the road, so it was thankfully pretty quiet while I was teaching. Jasper however had a view of the back lawn and quad which connected the highschool building to the elementary building, so he had to battle to teach over the sounds of kids playing and yelling for a good portion of the day. I had told him he should bat his eyes at Heidi a bit more and get a room change, but he just said he didn't want to abuse his sexual powers.

It was around two in the afternoon and I was organising the book closet that connected my room to another English classroom when my phone rang. Rose's name flashed on the screen with a photo from her last birthday.

"Hey," I answered, wedging the phone between my shoulder and ear.

"Hey. Do you want to come to dinner tonight?" she asked without preamble. "Emmett wants to grill, so we'll be having steaks or burgers, or something."

"Sure! Sounds great." As much as my brother was a terrible cook, he was excellent at manning the grill. "Jasper and I came out to school today, so we could come by around five, if that works?"

"Yeah, that's fine. Do you want anything in particular from the store? I'm here now grabbing stuff now. Of course your brother only had the idea and God forbid he actually go to the store on his day off to get everything himself," she huffed. I could hear the ding of the grocery store doors and the quiet hum of background music.

"Um…" I tried to think quickly. "If you get things for a salad or coleslaw I can make it when we get there. Maybe some potatoes too?"

"Okay, sure. Thanks," she sighed. "I swear, baby brain is already kicking in and I'm not even out of the first trimester yet!" Rose had been exhausted lately, and while she hadn't had too bad morning sickness so far she found herself falling asleep at the drop of a hat.

"Oh yeah. That's a killer," I chuckled. "I once drove right by the store, completely forgetting why I left home, and ended up going to Dad's because I thought that must have been where I was going. When I got home two hours later sans groceries, the empty fridge made it all come rushing back."

Rose laughed at the scenario. "I tell women all the time that it's completely normal, but it's so different when it happens to you! While I'm extremely happy, and so excited to meet my baby, I can not wait to have my body back."

I knew she would never have meant to make me feel bad, but I couldn't help a little jealous resentment coming through. I was beyond thrilled for them, and couldn't wait to be an aunt. Yet, part of me thought about how I only got to hold my son once. I tried to hide these feelings from Rose, but I had an inkling that I wasn't always successful.

"Do you want us to pick anything up on our way over later?" I asked, changing the subject.

"No, that's all good," she said distractedly. "I haven't called Jasper, so could you let him know?"

"Yeah, no problem. We'll see you later," I made my goodbyes as I headed off to find Jasper.

~oOo~

We left the school a little, but decided to stop on our way at a specialty ice cream shop we knew Rose loved. She had been craving ice cream lately, especially their cinnamon toast and their lemon poppyseed flavors. I knew she would stop by on her way home more than she would ever admit to Emmett, and after she had to stop at the store after she finished her shift, it was best to show up with an offering. Jasper always said his sister appreciated a good bribe, even more so now she was pregnant.

Emmett and Rose's townhouse was a colorful modern build at the end of a row of six houses. Each house had a rooftop terrace and a small backyard, and because they were at the back end they also had a small yard on the side. Each front door was a different color, which was the only way most visitors and delivery people could tell the places apart. Their neighbours were lovely, mostly young professionals too, though they did have an older couple living towards the front that would make a fuss if people were out on their terraces too late.

The house was spread over three floors. The garage shared the bottom floor with their spare room, which they used to use as an office before they started converting the other upstairs bedroom into the nursery. On the second floor was the open plan kitchen and living room. It had a nice view of their quiet street, though there was luckily still a few trees to obscure the view back in. The kitchen was beautiful and large, with a seven burner stovetop that made me insanely jealous. They had a small balcony off the kitchen that overlooked the small yard where Rose liked to pretend she would one day sit and have coffee in the morning. The open room was large enough to sit a dining table as well as the large U shaped sofa Emmett insisted they needed. It was the only piece of furniture Rose gave him the lead in choosing, and he was very proud of it. Upstairs on the third floor were the bedrooms. The master bedroom overlooked the front, while the nursery was high enough to see over the neighbours roof, so got lots of light. There was another set of stairs up to the rooftop terrace, where they had strung up those vintage style string lights over a large outdoor table with the grill in the corner.

Rose and Jasper's parents, Peter and Charlotte, bought it for them nearly two years ago. Emmett and Rose had used up most of their savings paying for IVF and thought they would have to postpone their home owning dreams. It was hard for Emmett to accept the help from them, first with paying for additional fertility treatments and then with the house. We hadn't been poor growing up, but with a single parent household we often had to budget and make thrifty choices. Rose and Jasper, however, grew up wealthy. Their father owned a number of car dealerships in Houston, Texas and always prided himself on being able to provide his family with the best of everything. So when Peter offered to buy them a house, it had taken a lot of negotiation between Emmett and Rose. The house Peter had originally picked out was a large property in the upmarket area of Briarcliff, but when Emmett found out it cost over two million dollars he and Rose ended up having a huge fight. She didn't see the big deal with her father doing that for them, but Emmett felt like it was a hit to ego. They finally compromised and went house hunting together for something they both liked and felt like they could make a home in.

Even though they both loved the townhouse, Rose was already complaining about the amount of stairs she had to climb, which would only get worse as the baby grows and it gets harder and harder for her to see her own feet. Luckily there was a bathroom on each floor, so she won't have to wobble dangerously up countless stairs whenever the baby sits on her bladder.

Jasper parked on the street at the end of their driveway. When they got out of the car they could already smell the familiar smokiness of the barbeque, though with the weather being so lovely it could be coming from any of the surrounding houses.

"Do you think they're going to do steaks or burgers?" Jasper asked as we headed down the drive to Emmett and Rose's bright red door.

"My guess is steaks. I can't imagine Rose is in the mood to get everything ready for burgers, and she can leave steaks up to Emmett," I answered.

"True," Jasper chuckled. "That man is hopeless with anything other than a slab of meat. But he does love a burger."

We both had our own keys so we let ourselves in, slipping our shoes off at the hall stand under the stairs. The inside of the house was cool, bordering on cold, so I knew Rose must be feeling flustered and hot this afternoon.

"Honey! I'm home!" Jasper called, turning to make his way up to the second floor.

"Well hi there, Sugarplum," Emmett called in a bad imitation of a southern belle as he appeared at the top of the stairs.

As we reached the top of the stairs Jasper and Emmett made a big show of hugging and slapping each other's backs like they hadn't seen each other in years as opposed to a week, blocking me on the second last step.

"Excuse me," I said with as much mock annoyance as I could infuse into my voice. "I've got ice cream melting here. Take the love fest to bedroom, you two."

"Come on," Emmett said to Jasper, leading him past Rose on the sofa to the stairs around the corner. "Let's leave these whiners here and go play with fire, huh?" They climbed the stairs laughing at each other, their voices fading as they went up to the roof.

"Not even a hello for his own sister," I said, shaking my head and heading to the kitchen to put the ice cream in the fridge. "How are you?" I asked Rose, who had come to sit at the bench.

"I'm doing ok, I guess," Rose shrugged. "Tired. Though, did I hear something about ice cream? That's bound to perk me up." She flashed me an impish grin, her eyes darting to the freezer.

"Yes," I laughed. "I picked breakfast flavours, so I hope that's still what you're craving." I started pulling out salad ingredients from the fridge, smiling when I saw the marinating steaks on the bottom shelf without a burger in sight. I was right, and I'd have to rub that in Jasper's face later.

Rose clapped as she jumped up from her stool and came around to grab a spoon from the draw, before snatching one of the ice cream tubs out of the freezer above my head. "You know me so well," she sighed, sitting back at her seat and digging in.

"Are we having anything with the steaks?" I asked with my head still stuck in the fridge.

"Emmett's already got potatoes and corn cooking up there. He'll come down in a few minutes to get the steaks, and then dinner won't be long," she said around a bite of lemon and poppyseed ice cream.

I finished getting everything I needed to make the salad. I chopped while Rose ate her ice cream in companionable silence. I had just finished slicing the cucumber when Rose's voice broke our quiet rhythm.

"So have you thought about what Angela suggested about joining the counseling group at the university?" she asked.

Angela was the one who had first suggested I find a grief group after I lost my son. She'd been participating in an extra credit program that runs group counselling for a range of things at the University of Washington, where she's studying to be a psychologist. She had even found the group I went to in Port Angeles for me, when I was in no state to think of my own mental health. When I first came back up to the city during my recovery after the accident, she had mentioned that there were many groups in the program that helped with trauma. But too many things were still undecided at that point and I didn't feel like I could make firm plans for my future until I knew what my next steps were. Now that I had officially moved and was settled in my new apartment, she had brought the subject back up when we had met for lunch last week. I finally felt able to look ahead and start building a healthier and happy life.

"Yeah, I've thought about it," I answered, continuing to cut vegetables to keep my hands busy. "I'm going to go in and look at which groups are available on Wednesday. I just need to get through the next few days, you know?" The anniversary of Jake's death was on Monday, and while I had dealt with his passing much better than our sons I didn't think I could really deal with much until the date had passed.

I could see Rose was looking up at me in concern as I studiously avoided her gaze, concentrating much more than necessary on whisking together a salad dressing. If I looked into her eyes and saw the expression I knew she was giving me, I knew I'd cry. "That's entirely understandable," she said. "I'm glad you've decided to go to a new group. It seemed to be doing well for you before. And it would be nice to make new friends now that you live in the city."

That broke the tension building inside of me and I couldn't help but giggle around the lump in my throat. "I'm sure a bunch of grieving people know how to have a good time," I laughed.

"Hey, don't discount them so soon," Rose said, pointing her spoon at me. "And how many cliches are there about sad people drinking? Misery loves company, and all that. I even heard there's no aphrodisiac like loneliness." She waggled her eyebrows at me with a mischievous grin.

"Ew, Rose!" I picked up the dish towel on the counter and threw it at her. "That is literally the last thing on my mind right now."

"Sure, now," she replied. "But Bella, you can't cut yourself off from the rest of the world. There are people out there that deserve to know you. And one of them might even be a guy. Would that be so bad?"

"Can we drop this, please?" I pleaded. "I'm not ready for all that just yet."

"What are you not ready for?" came Emmett's booming voice as he rounded to corner at the bottom of the stairs.

Rose turned in her stool to face her husband. "Apparently your sister is going to become a nun."

Her answer made Emmett look between us blinking, slightly uncomfortable. "Nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all," he said, waving his hands. Rose just rolled her eyes at him and took another spoonful of ice cream. "Well, while Rosie's been down here having a little pre-dinner dessert, the rest of us are wasting away up there. When are we eating?"

"You can start the steaks now and we'll bring everything else up in a second," I turned to pull everything he would need out of the fridge and handed it to him. "Do you need us to bring anything else up?"

"Nah, we should have everything upstairs already," he called over his shoulder as he headed back towards the stairs.

As soon as he was gone Rose turned back to me, but before she could start back in on our conversation I shoved one of the salad bowls at her. "Can you take this upstairs? I can manage everything else." I smiled at her as she scowled, grabbing the bowl and sliding off her stool.

"We haven't finished talking about this, Isabella," she tutted as she headed towards the stairs.

It only made me laugh at her. "I can't believe you just full-named me, Rosalie."

Nights like these - a good meal, a few drinks, sitting in the cool summer night air under the lights hung across the patio and laughing with the people I love - made me so happy, though it could be bittersweet. I tried not to think about what the next few days had in store for me. It wasn't hard to imagine what my life would have looked like if Jasper and I could have been anything other than friends. We may have had a child of our own by now, who would have been so excited to meet their new niece or nephew. We would have all spent birthdays and holidays and vacations together. We would have been perfectly happy and none of the heartbreaking things that have happened to me would ever have happened.

It was pointless to imagine a future that would never have existed. Jasper and I didn't work for many reasons, mainly because we were nothing more than friends that were herded into a relationship by the people we hung out with. We broke up long before I ever went back to Forks, or even saw Jake again. We were always meant to be the way Emmett and Rose met, solidifying us as family. It was easier to live in fantasies than to face the incoming reality. I tried to live in the present as much as I could these days. And when the present had good friends and ice cream, it was easier to block out the dark thoughts that could creep in

~oOo~

On Monday I made sure to find as many distractions as I could. I walked around to the bookshop close to the apartment that I loved and bought a few novels that I had been eyeing. Afterwards I sat in one of the nearby cafes to have breakfast and coffee while I read a good third of one of my new books.

As I walked back mid-morning I passed a small florist, the largest sunflowers I had seen in a very long time stood out in a riot of colorful blooms. The bright, open faces reminded me of how Jacob always made me feel - warm, like I was bathing in the sun. I bought six, handing the money over to the elderly lady sitting behind the wooden bench without taking my eyes off the vibrant flowers. Once I was home, I found the tallest vase I owned and placed the sunflowers on the table in the sunniest corner of the kitchen.

Sitting at the table, staring at the bright yellow blooms, I felt a small amount of peace. Jacob had always been a ray of sun, lighting up everything with his wide smile and easy going nature. He had a way of making anything fun, even if it was just sitting in his garage while he worked on an engine.

After he had died I felt cold for a long time. I was in recovery for months after the accident, suffering from various broken bones, organ damage and a traumatic brain injury. The doctors and physical therapists said that the cold I felt was probably due to poor circulation or nerve damage, but I knew it was because my own personal sun had been extinguished. It wasn't until I came out to stay with Emmett and Rose while seeing specialists that the chill began to recede. They gave me a small amount of the love, comfort and companionship I had with Jake, and I finally began to heal and feel more whole.

After trying to find any other distraction I could, by midday I couldn't put off ringing Billy any longer. The phone call went better than I thought it would. Billy had gone to Hawaii to visit his daughter Rebecca, who lived out there with her surf instructor fiance. After the sale of Jakes house, I offered to give Billy the money from the settlement. He had initially refused, saying that Jacob had bought the house for him and I to live in so it was more mine that Billy's. I had been adamant and used every argument I could find including that Billy was in a wheelchair and wasn't able to work, so having the money would provide him with security. He eventually relented, but on the condition that we split the proceeds. He was a simple man, who owned his house already and had no need for a car, so he hadn't really known what to do with so much money. I was glad when Dad said Rachel had convinced him to come out to visit over the anniversary. Billy sounded as good as could be expected, and being so far away from the place that holds so many memories was hopefully making today a little easier.

After talking to Billy I spend the next few hours cleaning the apartment. I had always found comfort in the order cleaning provided. The world looked brighter and felt easier to handle when everything was spotless. The apartment wasn't large, so it usually didn't take too long, but I went over every room with a fine toothed comb. I moved furniture that had only been there a month to dust behind them and cobwebbed every corner, even though there were any spiders. I washed the windows and wiped them till they sparkled. By the end of my campaign against dirt the apartment smelled like a display home.

Dad called me to check in just before dinner. He, Emmett and Rose all ended up having to work this evening, and even though I had assured them that I was going to be ok today he wanted to check in to see I wasn't having a breakdown. I hadn't dealt with the first anniversary of my son's death well, and I knew they were all waiting for a repeat.

Part of me wondered why I was dealing with Jake's death a lot better than our sons. Maybe it was because I'd already had my heart broken in the worst possible way and nothing could ever be as bad as that pain? Since the accident I had felt a gnawing emptiness that left me numb. That numbness had motivated me to not dwell on tragedies I couldn't change. Jake had always wanted me to be happy, so wouldn't want me to keep moving forward and make a like for myself that made me happy again?

Not that I was all the way to happiness. The next day I woke to the return of the rain and a feeling of overwhelming loneliness that rivaled the cloudy sky. The brightness of yesterday seemed like a dream. Or maybe the uncharacteristically sunny weather was a sign from Jake. The sunflowers too. While I had tried to stay busy as a distraction from thinking too much, I had felt the same sort of calming influence he used to have on me.

Today was a different story. All I could feel was the edges of the aching hole inside me burning raw. It reminds me of the flickering grief I've felt since my son died. It was like reliving the moment he was torn from inside me, struggling to live before he even came into this world. Like a part of you died and left you bereft.

After the accident I had been in a medically induced coma for eleven days. During the many surgeries I needed on arrival at the hospital, a blood clot made its way to my brain causing a stroke. My doctors said I was lucky it happened while I was on the table because it might have killed me otherwise. When I had woken up I knew that I had lost another person before they even said a word. I could feel there was a part of me missing without even having someone say it. Once the doctor had checked my various injuries and incisions and left, Dad broke the news to me. I stared straight at the ceiling, nodding to show I had heard him. We spent the rest of his visit that way. Him talking or asking me questions, with me barely interacting and only nodding my head when it was appropriate to do so.

I lay in bed for much the same way until I heard my front door open just after two and Rose came through the door in my bedroom. She lay down beside me without saying anything and held my hand. We stayed like that for nearly an hour before her stomach rumbled, which was soon followed by mine.

"Go have a shower," She ordered me. "And I'll go see about making us some food."

She followed me down the hall to the bathroom, pausing to wait until I was safely inside. I'm sure she probably even stood there until she heard the shower running. Just as with cleaning the apartment, I felt more in control after the shower. My body felt warmer, and knowing Rose was here with me soothed my soul.

We spent the rest of the evening curled up on my sofa under blankets, watching the Pride and Prejudice miniseries and eating the pasta Rose made. She had also a frozen apple pie in my freezer and played the pregnancy cravings card to justify baking it. By the time she left I was exhausted. Between the lack of sleep the previous night and being 'Thanksgiving dinner' level full, my body felt so tired and lethargic.

~oOo~

I had promised Rose last night that I would come and meet her for lunch after I had gone to the university and looked at the different counselling groups that were available in Angela's program. I saw she was running a different group on Monday nights and hoped I could ask her for a ride home afterwards. It would work better for school too, so I put my name down.

I was playing Candy Crush on my phone while I was waiting in the main reception area in the hospital when Rose called out to me. My head snapped up as she wove her way through a group of people who had just gotten out of the elevator.

"Hey, Rose," I greeted her, giving her a hug when she got to me. She was wearing her water proof jacket, so I guessed we would probably be walking somewhere close for lunch.

"How did it go?" She asked, stepping back and looking at me with concern. After my emotional day yesterday and what I had gone to do this morning, she was probably on high alert and ready for tears again.

I shrugged. "It was fine. There were a few different groups, but I put my name down on the list for the one on Monday nights." I didn't want to explain that I chose Monday so I could get Angela to take me home because Rose had been trying to convince me to try driving again. She said if I let my fear rule me I'll never truly heal from what happened. "Hopefully I won't have too much homework to get through on Monday's, so it seemed the better choice."

"Very logical," she laughed. "Where should we eat?" Rose was starting to sound more and more like my brother.

"How the hell should I know? You're the one who works here." Whatever else I was going to say to Rose died in my ing towards me from behind Rose was one of the most beautiful men I had ever seen in my life. And he was staring directly as me.

He was tall. I would have barely come up to his broad shoulders. His hair was the colour of a penny, somewhere between brown and red. It stood in artful disarray atop his head that either came naturally or took forty minutes to achieve. He had perfectly shaped bronze eyebrows above piercing eyes the color of emeralds. The light caught them as they would a gem, too. His straight nose and bow shaped lips made him look like a Grecian statue, enhanced by his pale, unblemished skin which made him look more like marble. His only flaw was the dark circles beneath his eyes. I wondered what had kept him up all night at the hospital.

I could feel the blush rise from my chest and creep across my face as he continued to make his way towards up, maintaining eye contact.

"Bella? Rose asked, noticing my distraction and following my gaze to the man as he passed us. I hid my face behind my hair before she could see how hot my face had become.

"Oh my god," She gasped. She must have seen him. "Yes, girl! He was hot." She elbowed me in the side, trying to get me to shake the shyness.

"Shhhh," I slapped at her arm. "Do you always have to embarrass me?"

Rose just laughed, shaking her head. "It was the mission I inherited when I married your brother."

I followed her down the hall to the exit that led to the main sidewalk. While I didn't know the area well I knew there were at least a few places to eat in this direction.

"You know, one day there will be a guy who takes your fancy. It might not be the hottie back there, but it will happen eventually," she said as the doors closed behind us. "I just hope that when it does you're brave and take the chance on it." She stopped for a moment and took my hand again. "You deserve to be happy, Bella. Please don't give up on that."

Looking her in the eye, I felt my own well up. "I won't," I assured her, pulling her into a hug. "I promise."

She pulled away with tears in her own eyes, smiling and giving me a not. Then we turned and made our way down the street.

That night was the first time my dreams were haunted by piercing green eyes in the face of a beautiful stranger. Though it would not be the last.

These are Stephanie Meyer's characters, I'm just playing with them