Chapter Four: Hypervigilance
Title: Age of Regret
Rating: M
Category: Angst/SVU&OC-Crossover/Hurt/Comfort/Romance/UST/RST/The Infamous Letter
Summary: He wanted to tell himself that it was nothing but a nightmare but it tightened around his neck and he watched, in horror, as it happened over and over with a flash of titian and vermillion that stretched in every direction—while the thunder roared and he couldn't scream her name loud enough.
"Grab my hand, I'm drowning. I feel my heart my pounding. Why haven't you found me yet? I hold you so proudly. Traumas, they surround me. I wish you'd just love me back." – Nate Feuerstein & Tommee Profitt
Warning: PTSD, hallucinations, and flashbacks are serious and are just part of a larger problem that exists in the world of Mental Health Issues. 1 in 5 AMERICANS alone suffer from some form of one. Only 40% receive help. If you need help, please reach out. Below are phone numbers of PTSD-specific hotlines that can be utilized…I am also here if you are scared but just want to be heard.
No one should suffer in silence.
No one needs to be alone.
We are not meant to make this journey without help.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (also affiliated with Mental Health America): (800) 273-TALK (8255). Available any time of day or night, 365 days a year, this toll-free PTSD helpline has trained volunteers standing by to provide crisis intervention, to offer support for people in distress, and to give information and referrals to people with PTSD and their loved ones.
Veterans Crisis Line: (800) 273-TALK (8255) and press "1". This toll-free hotline is available for veterans and their loved ones. You can also send a text message to 838255 to receive confidential, free support and referrals.
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741. This service is available 24/7 and provides free crisis support and information via text.
National Hopeline Network: (800) 442-HOPE (4673). Available 365 days a year, volunteers who staff this toll-free hotline are specially trained in crisis intervention to provide support, information, and referrals to people in need. You can also access services via chat by pressing the "Chat Now" button on its website.
PTSD Foundation of America, Veteran Line: (877) 717-PTSD (7873). Providing referrals, information, and helpful resources to veterans and their families, this toll-free hotline is available 24/7.
Lifeline for Vets: (888) 777-4443. Also geared toward veterans and their families, this toll-free PTSD helpline provides crisis intervention, referrals, and information.
I'm bigger than my body
I'm colder than this home
I'm meaner than my demons
I'm bigger than these bones
-Ashley Frangipane, Timothy Joliffe Bran, & Roy Edward Kerr
Misery loves company but trauma breeds it. Elliot was already twisted in the sheets while he was endlessly spiraling, behind a revolving door in the pitch, where the demons waited and the icy breath of memory sent another chill down his spine. It rippled again, like an endless undulation of fire and ice, and despite every effort, eyes pierced into the unknown, enduring every moment with persistence until the tears slid down his cheeks. Time ticked away again and sped up with a puncture of light, flooding his field of vision until he was pressed against the invisible barrier as he always had been. This time, though, she looked back at him and smiled before crossing the street.
Those bright, hopeful eyes with a hint of sadness deep down as though she knew all of his secrets.
You're not awake.
You're not awake.
You're not awake.
Fuck! Kathy! Move!
Elliot's legs couldn't move fast enough and wouldn't get him close enough to move her, to save her from a fate she couldn't avoid. The sound was deafening after the flash of titian and vermillion blinded him. It echoed down the street, rattled windows, and doors, sent him reeling. His mouth opened, but no sound came out. He was desperate for her to hear him this time but it played out the same, every time. Terror and emptiness tightening her grip around his throat, gripping harder until there was nothing left to do but gasp for air. There was no discernible difference between the reverberations of twisted metal and broken glass as pieces scattered in every direction. Elliot's hand stretched further, his fingertips straining into the abyss, and the panic only increased as his throat tightened to a close.
The air went out of his lungs and pressure pushed down, pressing harder against his chest until he could feel his heart beating in his throat, rapidly thumping as though it would burst.
This was how it ended.
This was always how it ended.
Terror's personification skidded to a stop, went into reverse, creeping in slow-motion and visually inescapable, until he could see her face, plain as day as she approached the car. Elliot dropped to his knees, sobbing into the ether while white-knuckling air, as he fought hard against his purgatory. Revoking another layer of sanity, moment by moment, replaying every second by force. Elliot hadn't been able to shake the guilt as her porcelain features couldn't have foreseen what was coming, blissfully unaware of the danger. Blissfully unaware of the doom that he had been replaying continuously for days. Elliot blinked as his stomach jerked as she turned, crossing the street.
For the first time, Elliot couldn't make out all of the features of her face. Kathy's silhouette had morphed and the image before him changed, muddled and blurred until he knew it, with certainty, who it was. The agony wrecked him as he tore at the fog that resided between him, as his consciousness tugged, keeping his feet planted as though cemented in place. Trapped. Stuck. Powerless to erase what his mind had formulated. This time, sound finally left his lungs as every fathomable ache reached the surface and rattled his Adam's apple.
Olivia was standing in Kathy's place, staring back at him.
Elliot shot up from the mattress, his voice hoarse and ragged as he reached for the door, for the shadows as they returned to darkness. "Liv!"
"El, I'm here, I'm here," Olivia's voice pulled him from the figurative edge of the precipice with a gentle pluck, her tone barely reaching above a whisper as she wrapped her digits around his elbow. "I'm right here."
"Oh, God," Elliot was out of breath and her face was still blurred as he struggled for air while his head shook in desperation before reality could even begin to catch up to the rest of him. "Are you…are you real? Are you? Liv?"
Elliot motioned as sweat collected across his forehead and glistened in the dim, jerking toward the edge of the bed. He was caught between nausea and pure terror as he held back the urge to vomit while squinting in her general direction. Elliot didn't know if he was awake and the pinpricks moving through his body weren't doing him favors as the absence of heat drilled through his joints while he jammed the mental puzzle back together. The edges didn't quite fit and Olivia's understanding, shockingly radiant face was doing more than enough to anchor him as his palm found the nightstand and his backside teetered halfway off the mattress. The exhale finally dislodged from his lungs as he blinked and Olivia came into focus, color corrected and vibrant as ever.
"I'm here and I'm real," Olivia scooted to her knees, tentatively squeezing his shoulder while leading him against the headboard to brace the inevitable adrenaline crash. "Breathe, in through your nostrils…and out through your mouth."
"I know how to breathe, Olivia," Elliot was doing it but the sentiment had him reeling as he tilted his head back, closing his eyes as a wave of pain moved through his body, reminding him of the stress that had kept him awake for days. "Why are you so calm? Why are you handling this so well?"
Olivia knew it wasn't the right time to tell him. Elliot wasn't in a good place and Olivia wasn't ready to open up a wound that hadn't healed yet but there might not be any stopping persistence if she tried. Apart from Olivia's therapist, and Amanda in vague detail, no one knew the depths of her pain or her struggle. No one truly knew how far her mind had gone nor did they understand, beyond the surface, of just how much of herself had been lost. Olivia hadn't gotten everything back that was taken and she didn't know if she ever, truly, would.
It was one of the things she still feared—being incomplete.
Olivia shrugged and reached for the glass of water on the bedside table, pushing it in his direction while her palm found the still-twitching musculature of his abdominals. "It's really not something we need to talk about right now, Elliot. Concentrating on you…on getting you through this."
"I might be coming down from a panic attack, Liv, but I can still tell when you're trying to placate me," Elliot's jaw was still stiff, his eyes fixed on the mingling of his and her work shirts across the corner of the dresser, draped carefully. "I know you think you have to shield me from it because you don't think I can handle it but I can, Liv."
"I don't know if I can handle it, El," Olivia rested her head against his shoulder as her free hand coiled around the loose edge of the oversized tee-shirt draped to her thighs, scrutinizing the loss of control she already felt. "It's not going to make you feel any better to know what you missed while you're still grieving Kathy. I don't want to be the one that plunges that knife into your chest…or your back."
I love you.
"Blame and guilt are a marriage made in hell and I've let both take over too many moments, Liv," Elliot gathered her fingers between his palms, holding them there as though she were the pivotal piece of his unanswered prayers. "The truth of all of this is that I threw my life away before that explosion and now I'm left to look at the ruins as though I didn't contribute to it in some way. She always knew I had one foot out the door and half of me left behind."
"El…" Olivia didn't know if she should apologize or console him as she let his warmth surround her hand and electrify a trail of goosebumps up her arm as she watched his tendons shift like a moving tide to accommodate her presence. "I don't want to inflict more pain. I just want to be here, in your orbit, until the sun finishes rising. After that? We can think about it later."
"Something bad happened, didn't it?" Elliot continued to prod, letting the concern slip right against the yearning to know her all over again as he tilted, resting his cheek against the top of her head. "I don't want to look in the mirror anymore, Liv. Let me look at you."
Olivia sighed and bit down on her bottom lip, choking back the flood of tears as she waved her white flag and lifted her chin, putting just enough distance between them to breathe on her own for a moment. "I would never forgive myself if telling you what I went through were to make all of this worse for you. For a little while, I didn't believe that you didn't know but now? I know there's no possible way you could have known and it would be like shoving you into traffic if I make you hear it right now. Why would you want me to do that?"
Elliot felt every muscle in his body tighten as the nerves cried out, his eyes burning as he turned his head to look at her, the stammer low and muted as he held back the thought. "Liv, did someone? Were you—"
"No, no, no," Olivia cut him off before he could finish the question with a finger to his lips, the cascade of tears already searing the corners of her eyes before taking the plunge along the apples of her cheeks to meet her chin. "Please, don't make me say it. I love you too much, El, and there would be no going back if I do. I don't want to break."
Equivalency hit Elliot between the eyes as Olivia's voice cracked and the same gut-punch of emotion came through in her admission as his. The hidden message was not simply that she loved him but that there was something wrong and the cataclysm was more than she thought either of them could bear. Elliot knew better, though. Olivia was stronger than she gave herself credit for. It was one of the reasons that Elliot had fallen so hard. It was one of the reasons it took ten years to come back. Elliot was always certain that he'd never be able to leave if the collective convictions that Olivia held within her heart and soul were to make contact.
Olivia was more than an Achilles heel. She was the answer to every question and the light in every darkness.
"I need you to let me do the breaking for a change," Elliot pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around to the small of her back as the mattress shuddered beneath them and her sob vibrated against his collarbone. "I would go headlong into the dark, with a gun drawn, for you. I would take every risk just to make sure you were safe. You know that, right?"
"I've always known," Olivia dragged her fingertips down the center of his back and buried her face against the space below his chin, seeking refuge for the first time, allowing herself to feel whole in his arms. "I tried to be both of us and I almost lost everything. The air in my lungs, my sanity, my job, my world, my dignity…everything was so close to crashing down around me. I wanted so badly for you to come crashing through the door like you always do, but you never did. I did it alone. I wanted to hate you for it but I couldn't."
"Liv," Elliot wanted to say the right words but there was anger built up beneath it as his mind was jumping to the worst scenarios, vividly understanding that Olivia had been through hell and he should have been there. "…I don't even know where to start and no amount of pleading for vindication will be enough. I should have been here to keep you from that pain, the suffering."
"Blame and guilt are a marriage made in hell," Olivia found herself repeating him verbatim as she wiped the tears and finally moved to look into his steel blues, only to see that he had shed silent ones for her. "Those nightmares have all but faded but you're here fighting your own set of demons wanting nothing more than to heal wounds that have become scars. Do you even know what that means to me?"
"Given the chance, I'd walk through fire and back for you. Would march right into hell just to make sure you could come back from misery," Elliot placed his lips along her temple, letting them pause there as he listened to the soft, melodic sound of her breathing while he moved his palm across her back. "It's written on your face and I'd give anything to undo what was done. I don't think I need to say out loud what I would've done…"
"You would have made that descent but you wouldn't have done it alone," Olivia urged him closer, nudging his nose with her own as she enveloped him in an embrace, gathering him closer as the first flecks of light began streaming through gaps in the curtains. "This time, Elliot Stabler, I'll let you break but only if I can still bend."
It does not matter
How slowly you go
As long
As you do not
Stop.
-Confucius
6:15 AM
They'd claimed another hour of sleep before the rapid knocking roused their reluctant, tightly wrapped cocoon they'd created against each other. Elliot had claimed Olivia; right down to the leg angled around hers while she breathed against his chest. They didn't want to get up. Moving meant letting go and letting go, signaled the absence of warmth and closeness they'd needed so completely. The second set of knocks, though, drew both of them off balance with a mutual groan that carried down the hall. Loud, frustrated, and yet, entirely too satisfying.
It ushered the series of popping as both crawled from the bed, stretching every vertebrae and achy joint toward the ceiling.
"Place your bets," Elliot reached for a tee-shirt and glanced back at Olivia in his shirt and her slacks as a gentle grin curved across his lips. "Which child thinks six in the morning is an appropriate time to check on their dad, who they suspect is sinking into lunacy?"
Olivia rolled her eyes while yanking on her socks, hopping after him as he went into the hallway with the final tug of her second sock, the thumps of her feet against the floor inspiring a chuckle from him before he could reach the door. "No one thinks you're going crazy but if you want to know which one…just check your phone. Whoever sent the most unanswered texts is the likely answer."
"Don't get smug, Liv," Elliot grimaced at the door as the knocking became frantic and evident of increased irritation as he splashed water on his face before pulling the shirt over his head, calling toward the door. "Would you stop with the knocking? I heard you the first time."
"Dad, I swear to God," Kathleen's voice was muffled but prominent from the other side, her testiness apparent as Olivia crossed her arms and ran a couple of fingers through her hair, taming the mess that sleep had made. "I've texted you and you haven't gotten back to me."
Elliot opened the door and caught his headstrong daughter off guard as she forced a smile in front of him while he held the edge of the door, putting on that patented parental expression in front of her. "I thought the whole point of intervening in my life was to get me to see the downward spiral and make a few necessary changes? I finally got some sleep."
"You know I—" Kathleen started to argue the point a little further and caught sight of Olivia in her periphery, inspiring the blush to form across her cheeks as she came into the apartment. "Oh, hey, Olivia, I didn't know you were going to be here."
"Neither did I," Olivia bit back the smirk and welcomed a hug from Kathleen after she had given one to Elliot, creating an atmosphere of awkwardness that could only be filled with assumptions and leaps of faith.
Kathleen lowered her voice and looked directly at Elliot, a grin residing on her face as she hugged her arms tight against her while the remnants of snow melted against her winter coat. "Well, no wonder you finally got some sleep."
"Oh, my God, Kathleen," Elliot scoffed and watched Olivia palm her cheek as the subtle color crept across her face, highlighting the embarrassment before he turned to address empty cupboards, desperately seeking caffeine. "I don't drink it anymore but I'm going to need coffee or bourbon to get through this conversation."
"You haven't gone shopping in days and you spat out the last cup I brought you," Kathleen shrugged her shoulders as Elliot shut the cupboard doors, narrowing his stare at her as she kept her cheesy smirk plastered on her face. "Don't get upset over me pointing out the obvious. Olivia is your rock and she put your mind at ease enough for you to rest. You're the one that made it loaded."
Even though Kathleen had made a rational, succinct point, the hours that had elapsed with Olivia had been very loaded. Olivia had burrowed even further under Elliot's skin, more so than he ever thought possible. The wounds were far from healed but the stitches were at least mended, tugging together the broken pieces and the parts that had been scattered in the wind. What once felt permanently lost now felt a semblance of being whole again, complete with the bumps, bruises, and scars that had collected along the way. Elliot had a long road left to travel but Olivia had made it more than evident that she was in it for the long haul.
It went deeper than love and well beyond the reaches of missed time.
Olivia smiled and leaned against the wall, studying their bickering with a bit of fondness that brought up the best of memories in her mind. "This is something that I actually missed. The bickering that has a smile instead of hurt faces and buried sadness."
"It's kind of funny but I missed it, too," Elliot nodded, his faraway glance resembling more of sweet recollection than anything concerning as his smile softened and his posture became less rigid, less closed off to them. "I really missed it, actually."
"Why don't you two get ready and we'll go grab something for breakfast?" Kathleen beamed, proud of her suggestion before she could even finish coming up with the entire idea as she rewrapped her scarf. "We can come back here, be comfortable, and just…talk?"
Elliot would've run from a talk on any day before this one but as he stole a glance at Olivia, all he wanted was more time. More of her time. It was fleeting, almost urgent, and while there was still so much pain rooted in the web that weaved its way between them, their strength resided in something deeper. Something more memorable. It was all worthwhile and a constructed view of what once was could finally reach out to touch Elliot as Olivia kept gazing in his direction.
He loved her completely and he knew she loved him back.
Elliot gestured toward Olivia, tilting his chin just enough to get her full attention as he maneuvered toward the hallway. "I don't want to rob you of work or time with your son…"
"Well, I think I'm more than safe to say," Olivia tapped away at the cell phone for a moment before pushing it into her pocket where it had been previously, letting her eyes convey every shred of what lay ahead. "…I'm all yours."
To my support system of ladies, you know who you are…this wouldn't be possible without you. I would not have half the confidence without the love and guidance from you. I am eternally grateful. To the readers, I hope you love this and I appreciate all of the feedback even though this made me SO nervous to write. It was a risk. It came from a place of experience...and I hope it pays off.
Quotes by:
Nate Feuerstein & Tommee Profitt
Ashley Frangipane, Timothy Joliffe Bran, & Roy Edward Kerr
Confucius