See You Later, Eren Chapter 4
Title: Back in the 104th: Part 2
HMMM I do recall saying that this chapter would come out on Sunday... but I failed XD. This chapter took off faster than I could keep up, so it ended up being just as long if not slightly longer than the last chapter, despite what I said last week. If the extensive introspection wasn't your cup of tea, fret not, because there is a lot more dialogue and many more scenes with stuff happening in them, which is new territory for this fic, so be sure to tell me what you think! And thank you so much for all the amazing reviews! There were multiple extensive ones, so since I replied to kaffeenator666 last chapter I felt it only fair to respond to some of the newer big reviews. So, without further ado, enjoy! -Y
Response to kaffeenator666: I agree, I love constructive criticism to make my work better! Yes, Mikasa, with all this uncertainty of how to approach saving Eren, is trying to run away, and in a way it makes sense, but you're right it is quite the tall order, especially with someone like Eren Jaeger. I find your overall analysis very interesting, and while I can't confirm or deny anything that you predict (gotta keep my readers guessing hehe), I love that I have you so invested as to speculate on all the possibilities like that, and I hope I don't disappoint! To answer your chapter length question, I've been trying to set the goal of 5K-7K words for each chapter, but, as you will come to see through this chapter, that is spectacularly failing. I want to prioritize giving a satisfying or exciting conclusion to each chapter over a specific word length, but moving forward, 5K-7K words will still be my goal.
Response to Melie - Ann: Thank you for the great review! I'm glad you appreciated the light Jean and Mikasa moment, as I thought that would be a great moment, and I'm really happy to hear that you thought my characterization of Mikasa and Eren and such were accurate, as that's something I try to be extra careful about. And I'm excited to know that you expect big things out of this fic! I definitely have big plans, and I absolutely plan to carry the development of the characters from the latest chapter and further it through this story!
Response to SuperPie1661: Thank you for the praise! And to clarify, it's actually only been about two weeks since she came to the past at the start of this chapter. Though, I wouldn't describe the Eren/Mikasa relationship as toxic. Obviously Mikasa's feelings are more intense, with Eren not really having the chance to fully develop romantic feelings towards anyone, but I wouldn't call her obsessive, just extremely protective. She places him on an ideal pedestal, no doubt, but she is perfectly willing to defy him and act independently of Eren's regards. Maybe just my interpretation. But yeah, I agree that Mikasa has a lot of room to expand and I definitely want her to move past the dissonance and inner conflict she has towards saving Eren but also not understanding why he did what he did in the previous timeline. Thank you for the wishes of good luck (as I am no Isayama and will definitely need it) and I hope I don't disappoint.
Mikasa opens her eyes to find herself in bed. Except, it's not the kind of bed she's used to, it's some bed she's never seen before, in a room she's never seen before. She squints to try to adjust her eyes, but her eyesight fails her, everything coming in and out of focus in a blur. Though, from what she can make out, she's in a warm, well-furnished house. The sunlight from a window on the left bounces on the white and blue walls. She can see a desk to her left with a pair of glasses, along with some kind of box.
She moves to grab her glasses, but her muscles fail her. She groans quietly, the exquisite ache making itself known throughout her entire body, especially in her abdomen.
"Here..." she hears a youthful voice near her, and she can make out the figure of a short person, maybe a child, grabbing her glasses and putting them around her eyes. "thank you" she says, her voice a strained whisper. Now with her vision, she can see the pure luxury of the room before her, and a little blonde girl standing by her bedside, tears in her eyes. Mikasa thinks that despite the girls age, she looks quite graceful.
"...where am I?" Mikasa asks her. The young girl smiles sadly, "you're always so forgetful nowadays..."
She hears the girl sniffle and rub her nose. She then goes to the desk where she opens up the box that was sitting there, turning a dial that Mikasa didn't see before, and it begins to play a nice song. She's never heard it before, but it still puts her at ease as if it always had.
"I'm sorry there's no one else here to be with you" the girl says softly. Mikasa turns her head to look at her. She feels her breath starting to leave her, but she isn't panicking. Her face remains calm, and though she feels an overwhelming sadness, there's also contentment. She thinks about the ocean.
The girl then grabs Mikasa's left hand, clasping it with both of her hands. "and I'm sorry I couldn't get rid of it..."
Mikasa furrows her brow, but the girl smiles again "don't tell me you forgot that, too"
...
Mikasa's vision starts to fade out, even with the glasses. The girl seems to take notice. "I was able to do one thing..."
Things start to turn white, her senses failing her. "you can give it to someone else... you just have to remember them... the one's that were always just a little bit ahead..."
Pure whiteness is all she feels.
Except, a door opens, and there are flowers by the window.
...
Mikasa shifts her body back up, her memories coming back to her. "Mikasa, your shift is up, c'mon" Eren is grabbing her arm, trying to shake her awake. "Eren..." she responds. The fire at the center of the camp is bright to her unadjusted eyes. She suddenly remembers that she's been sleeping, and her heart stops a bit as she wipes her eyes, feeling them completely dry. She breathes a sigh of relief. Eren stares at her as she shifts out of her blankets and moves to sit on a log a few feet away from the fire.
She can feel Eren's gaze on the back of her neck, but he doesn't say anything. She hears him pull up his own blanket as he lays on the dirt. The crackling sound of the fire and the distant chirping of crickets can be heard, along with the light snores of Connie. She thinks back to the dream she just had, usually able to decipher some meaning out of it, but for this one she's completely lost. She can't remember any time when she was in a similar situation to that. In fact, she doesn't even know who that girl was. Annie came to mind, but it didn't really look like her, besides the blonde hair.
"be sure to thank them when you see them..." she hears herself whisper.
"Huh?" Eren calls back from his makeshift bed. Mikasa furrows her brow, "what did I just say?"
"Sorry, nothing" she responds. She puts her head in her hands and rubs her eyes. "Just tired". Figuring she's still delirious from her dream, she shakes her head in an attempt to wake herself up a little more.
ONE DAY EARLIER
EREN POV
"Sasha, you've got to be kidding me, I thought you were a hunter!" the exasperated voice of Connie pipes up.
"I am a hunter, the instructor obviously gave us a false trail" she retorts. Eren lets an exasperated sigh leave his lips. To think he was actually excited for this part of training...
"I'm gonna have to agree with the potato girl on this one, unless Shadis decided to pull an Eren and jump..." Jean's voice, not too far ahead of them, cuts in. He's made it past the trees of the forest, having scouted ahead where the footprints of who they hoped was Shadis lead, only to find it halted by a steep cliff. He leans over the cliff, whistling as he kicks a small pebble down, but Eren isn't having any of Jean's comments.
"Shut it, assho-"
"Eren." Mikasa, who's been walking close behind Eren up until now, grabs his arm. Eren yanks himself back roughly, "Tch, I wasn't gonna do anything".
"Oh wait, never mind, your 'Wings of Freedom' would have carried you to safety" Jean continues with a shit eating grin, earning a sigh from Mikasa. "I'm finished with this" he remarks as walks briskly towards Jean, ready to throw him off the cliff if that's what'll get him to shut up. "Hey, guys!" Eren sees Marco step in between the two before they get too close, holding up his hands on either side to stop them. "We'll end up in dead last at this rate!"
"Yeah, only because you wouldn't let us hide that blue flag we saw" Ymir chimes in near the rear up the group. Marco drops his hands and arches his brow, "I already told you, that would have been cheating"
"I hate to be a goody two shoes but Marco's right" Jean walks back to where the majority of the group is, continuing, "the instructor said we could only tamper with our own flags. If Shadis figures out it was us that hid it, we'd be running laps for a week".
"The titans aren't gonna be playing fair, though" Eren reminds them all, "we should have done something, it isn't our fault they couldn't find their flag before we did". A collective groan is heard from the group, save for Mikasa and Marco. "What?" Eren asks, annoyance back in his voice.
"Titan this, titan that, I'm pretty sure we're not facing any titans right now" Connie says, clearly tired and annoyed from all of the walking. "We've been out here for two days, though, if Shadis is gonna play us dirty we might as well return the favor."
"This isn't some game, Connie, we're out here for a reason", Eren retorts, but Connie just sighs in response. When Shadis had split the 104th into 6 or so groups to go out into the wilderness to find a flag corresponding to each of their groups he had hidden, Eren was ecstatic, knowing that this exercise was specifically tailored for those who wanted to join the Survey Corps. He and Armin were anxious to learn as much as they could from the activity, and so far Eren had tried his best to remain steadfast in keeping his group focused, but his fellow trainees, particularly Jean, whom he had the displeasure of being assigned with, were starting to make him tick.
The team consisted of himself, Jean, Sasha, Annie, Connie, Mikasa, Marco, and Ymir. He had gotten along with most of them fine, Jean notwithstanding, but he realized within the first day that most of them didn't take it as seriously as he did, and the ones that did were only interested in finding their flag before everyone else, thus earning first place. "where's Armin when you need him..." he thinks to himself.
They all stand around for a bit, with the exception of Sasha and Annie, who the group had quickly realized were the best at establishing an initial trail to follow, though so much good that was doing them. Shadis must have anticipated his footsteps being tracked, made obvious by the false trail they had been following since dawn. He looks around, his eyes landing on Mikasa, who has her head slightly down, focused on nothing in particular, a feature that he's found she does way too often now. Still, he has to admit he was happy when the instructor announced Mikasa would be a part of their group. She is as silent as ever, so it's not like she's doing much of anything to dissipate the awkwardness that settled as the recruits get to know each other, but her presence puts him at ease, if nothing else.
He looks back to the group after realizing that he's been staring too long. "Well, if it's back to square one, then..." Ymir plops her backpack down and sits in a criss cross position, resting her head on her hands. No later after she sighs in relaxation can the monotone voice of Annie be heard, "I found something". Eren turns around to see her pointing in a familiar direction.
"That's not far from the direction we came" he says.
"Yeah, we've already mapped out most of the west..." Marco says as he looks at the map.
"Well, we clearly missed something, 'cause look", she crouches down and clears some dirt out of the way, revealing ground that definitely looked different, but Eren doesn't know why.
"What am I looking at?" Connie asks, scratching his shaved head.
"This dirt was placed here deliberately, it doesn't match the lower layers and it's not compacted like most of the dirt around here"
"An animal could have walked through" Jean suggests.
"Yeah, but..." Annie clears away some more dirt, analyzing it for a second. "There are remnants of footprints, and they're bigger"
"You sure?"
Eren is the one to speak up, "it's the best we got, lead the way, Annie" he says as he begins moving, Mikasa quickly doing so as well. Annie nods and clears some more dirt, looking for the path. "Connie, could you get Sasha?" Eren hears Marco ask as the rest of the group begins their trek.
Ten minutes later and Annie and Sasha had gotten a pretty good idea of where the path headed, so they continued to walk as the trees got a bit thicker and the sunlight had a harder time breaching. Eren shifts the heavy backpack on his shoulders and stretches his neck. "I told you I can carry your bag if you want" he hears Mikasa say, probably noticing the way his bag made his shoulders slump and his back arch.
"How many times do I have to tell you, I'm training to become a soldier just like you. I'm not gonna get anywhere if I let you baby me". He stands up straight again, defiantly. Mikasa doesn't respond. Normally he wouldn't care, but once again he feels this irritating compulsion to keep the conversation going, the memory of her cries still relatively fresh in his mind, and an empathetic side of him he wishes would just shut up growing within him.
"I'm glad Annie found a new route for us." he turns to see Mikasa shifting her head to his, probably caught off guard by the random topic. "you're out of your element, Jaeger, what are you doing, this is a scouting mission!" but... she doesn't look unhappy, and that's enough to make his mind quiet down.
"yeah..."
It's not an interesting response, but Eren is back to his comfortable self, talking to his best friend like he has for the past three years. "I just hope that we aren't too far behind, it's already been two days", he looks back to Mikasa, but she's glaring daggers at the blonde girl in the front of the party. "What are looking at Annie like that for?"
Her gaze softens slightly as she looks to him, but the scowl remains, "It's nothing".
Eren rolls his eyes as he looks back to where he's going, "her catchphrase", he thinks to himself. "What's your problem with her? She's the reason we're not sitting on our asses right now.", he questions brightly, thankful for Annie's abilities at this moment.
"I don't trust her, neither should you" she finally grumbles back.
"No offense, Mikasa, but I've never known you for your intuition" he tries to jest, but she doesn't respond to that. He has a point, though. If Armin had said something about her, he probably would have listened, but he knows Mikasa is naturally stubborn and distrustful. "Besides, have you even talked to her? She's just as quiet as you are, I thought you two would get along..."
His attempts to heighten the mood with light jokes clearly aren't working. He's about to continue this one-sided conversation, until Jean comes by.
"Well if you like her so much why don't you talk to her?" he snarkily replies.
Eren's frown is instant. "Oi, what did you mommy ever tell you about eavesdropping?"
He shrugs back, "like there's anything better to be doing right now". Before Eren can retort, Jean's eyes are on Mikasa. "hey, your bag looks pretty heavy. I could carry it for if you'd like" he tries his best at a dashing smile. Eren makes a gagging face in front of the two, making Jean quickly snap his neck towards Eren in a sharp scowl.
Mikasa lightly smiles back at their quarrel, looking at Jean. "Thanks, but it's not too bad"
"You can carry mine, Jean!" Connie walks briskly up to the three before shoving his backpack into Jean's arms before he has time to think. He quickly shoves it back into Connie's face sharply. Eren pretends to try not to chortle, but Jean sees right through it, shifting his own bag further onto his shoulders and walking towards the front, a tinge of red on his face.
Eren can't help but sigh in exasperation. "So you dislike Annie for no reason, and you like Jean for no reason. Makes sense to me" he adds bitterly. She responds by laying a hand on his shoulder, "I know he gets on your nerves but he's a dependable comrade".
"Where did you get this stuff? You've known him for a week, all he did was compliment you", Eren pouts. He could see it in her eyes, Jean didn't really make her happy when they interacted, but he still sees that wistful smile and can't help but feel jealous. "I compliment her all the time...", he thinks to himself. Though, in truth, he can't remember the last time he genuinely complimented her. "what are you thinking? don't feel guilty, she's the one not making any sense".
LATER THAT NIGHT
MIKASA POV
Mikasa's face turns a bit red at the interaction, thinking back to Jean's offer and it's unsettling similarity to her own offer to Eren minutes earlier. She wasn't trying to flirt with Eren, but she supposes it's a good thing he didn't seem to notice. The entire day was spent following that same trail, with them taking a long break for Sasha to try and hunt some game, dissatisfied with the stale rations they were given before the trip. It was supposed to simulate a survival situation in the Scouting Legion, but the instructor obviously had to give them some things, like rations and water to last a few days.
She thinks back to Eren's excitement, and almost chuckles. She never cared for his enthusiasm over things like this, because it was always misplaced, but it never failed to make her smile. Especially back when things were simpler. He wants to learn as much as he can about how to be a proper scout, but if Mikasa can manage it, he won't ever end up having to use that knowledge. Since deciding that she has to have Eren leave the military, she's gone through a multitude of possible strategies in her head.
Her first thought was to reveal Annie, Reiner, and Bertholdt's true nature to him, perhaps warning him that they're out to capture him and the best thing he can do for humanity is run. But no. It might've worked on an older Eren, one that was purely focused on doing whatever is best for humanity, but this one is too stubborn and too vengeful. Her next thought was to just reveal the truth to him, at least the parts that don't involve him committing genocide, and ask him to run away with her. But, that would have required a level of trust that Eren certainly isn't at.
She sighs, pushing her scarf up to her mouth to keep the cold air from nipping at her lips. It is the middle of November after all, and though snow hasn't arrived yet, the cold air certainly makes their campfire necessary. She recalls the nineteen year old Eren, his long hair swaying as he desperately sprinted to touch Zeke's body. "why..."
If she could just know why Eren did what he did, if she could just understand the boy she loves, it would be a hell of a lot easier to keep him from doing it. Yeah, she could tell him everything and ask him herself, but even if he immediately knew once she told him, which is unlikely, there's no reason for him to tell her. It's not like he felt the need to talk to her last time...
Telling him would just be digging their graves. So, she has to use some kind of deceit, which she was never good at. Eren can read her like an open book, more than anyone else can, and while he certainly could never figure out the truth on his own, he can always tell when she's lying.
"Did you have another nightmare?" the inquisitive voice of Eren speaks up from behind her. It gives her a bit of a jump, and she looks back. She wonders how long it has been since her turn to stay awake and watch over the group started. He takes her silence as an invitation to continue. "You looked... scared, when you were sleeping. Like you do when you have nightmares". Her heart melts at Eren's concern, something that she quickly shuts down. "stop acting like an addict."
She turns back around to keep herself from blushing, pulling the scarf up to her nose. She also doesn't feel the need to respond. It's not like she could even explain what that dream was, as there was nothing about it that was even vaguely familiar. After a bout of silence, Eren speaks up again.
"Have you been getting nightmares?" his eyebrows arch upward in concern. "I know things are different because we're trainees, but if you still want to come to my quarters for a little bit when you're scared, that's okay..." he offers, calling back to when she would always climb up into his bed and sleep next to him after her nightmares. It started after the first one, a couple days after coming to live in Shiganshina, and it's something she's done ever since. When Eren lost his parents, she was happy to offer the same to him, but it was much less frequent. "he always wanted to be strong..."
Still, she closes her eyes, resisting the urge to go up and hug him, and just stay with him for the rest of their years as trainees. God, why did he have to be like this... so kind... when she's done nothing but conceal her emotions to him. She knows he's noticed it, but he's either too focused on training to worry about it or too young to articulate what exactly she's doing.
"You should get some sleep. We need to be well rested to continue tomorrow" she finishes while staring off into the black void of the night. She doesn't see it, but she can almost feel him frown in resignation as he begrudgingly accepts and lays back down.
EREN POV
"We'll begin by determining your aptitude, if you can't do this, you're not even fit to be bait! You'll be sent off to the fields!" Shadis yells. Not that this made a significant difference to Eren, he knows he'll be able to do it just fine. This ODM gear is the bread and butter of a soldier of humanity, especially a scout, so he's going to succeed no matter how hard it is. But, he's not too worried at the difficulty, looking to Armin, who, while struggling a bit, seems to be getting the hang of it. He looks to his far left to see Mikasa. He watches her stand by the poles and quickly eject her wires, letting herself float there like it was nothing. He knows he shouldn't be surprised, she's Mikasa after all, but it's like she's used the thing a thousand times before even starting, and his jaw drops slightly. Looking around, he knows he isn't the only one with that reaction, but he rips his gaze away.
"If Mikasa and Armin can do it, then so will I", he mentally prepares himself before shooting his wires out and lifting himself up slowly. For the smallest of seconds, he feels himself floating and allows himself a small bit of satisfaction. "this isn't so bad" he thinks, but only momentarily. Before he can even fully process the fact that he's floating, the world starts to turn and he can feel an unpleasantness in his stomach. He closes his eyes and extends his arms to stop his fall, but he's on ODM gear now, so he simply flips upside down. His cheeks burn once he realizes the position he's in, and he tries desperately to shift his weight back upwards, but to no avail.
His embarrassment only heightens when he hears the commander take long strides towards him, and he sees the tall shadow looming over him. "What are you doing, Eren Jaeger?! Straighten yourself up!"
"What the hell is going on? What is this? How am I supposed to...", if he could drop his head any further in shame and humiliation, he would. "this can't be real". This doesn't make any sense, why is it so hard? Is there something he's missing?
He is exhausted now, not having left his spot there by the poles for at least a few hours, as the sun is starting to fall. Shadis' barks were defeating, and Jean's snarky comments were excruciating, but they've all left by now. All that remains are his two best friends.
"Just follow the basics like we were taught. Don't make it more difficult than it is, just focus on your balance and slowly shift your weight into the belts" Mikasa attempts to coach, but Eren hardly listens to it. He knows all this stuff, he was just taught it yesterday, and he made sure he was as astute as possible during all of the instructions. There was something about the belt that just made it feel impossible to control, no matter how hard he tries. It's discouraging, to say the least.
"You can do it if you stay calm," Armin cuts in, "even I did it, after all". Right. "Just stay calm and don't focus on the fact that you're the only person in the entire 104th who hasn't managed to get the hang of this stupid thing".
"Alright, I feel like I've got it this time. Lift me up, Armin". The blonde easily hoists him up and lets go, but the result is the same, except this time his face smacks the dirt. "Dammit!" he exclaims angrily. He can hear Armin sigh as Eren tries to find his balance on his own two feet.
Sure, this was humiliating at first, but now it's starting to make him genuinely upset. Is he really this incompetent? In all other physical aspects, he isn't the best by any means, but he never did poorly. Hand-to-hand training, strength training, endurance training, it wasn't easy but he did above average in all of them, his determination keeping him from stopping. Even when things got tough, it felt like as long as he kept pushing, and he always did, he could make it. But this, this feels like he's at a total impasse. Like no matter how hard he tries, how much he wants to succeed, it isn't physically possible.
Armin must have been able to see the mini-crisis Eren was in the middle of, because he suggests "Maybe we should take a break, I'm pretty sure you cut the back of your head on a few rocks from all your attempts". As upset as Eren is, he finds the allure of food and rest very appealing. Maybe it just isn't his day, or maybe he can't do it with other people yet, he doesn't know. However, the voice of the girl with them interjects.
"No. Eren, you have to keep trying. If you can't do it now, then you aren't cut out to be a soldier."
Armin looks to her, "Mikasa... no need to be so extreme, some people learn at their own pac-"
"She's right, Armin." Eren interrupts, "this isn't like playing some instrument, I either learn or I die. Lift me up again". Armin begrudgingly does so, and with Eren's newfound vigor, he's ready to give it another go. He feels it... he might have been able to get a second of extra time, but he's slumping down and hitting his face nonetheless. He shouts in exasperation.
"I don't get it! It feels like I have no control!"
"Eren, being angry is only going to make it harder, so we should-" Armin tries to advise, but is halted by Mikasa.
"Again, Eren"
His face once again turns into a serious scowl, "right." he says as he tries to lift himself up again. But, like clockwork, he loses all control and falls down again.
"Again."
Fall.
"Again."
Fall.
"Again!"
Fall.
"Eren, you're going to seriously hurt yourself!" Armin is pleading with him at this point to give it a break, but before Eren can respond, Mikasa is there to finish his thoughts.
"He can take it."
Armin frowns and furrows his brow in bewilderment, "Mikasa, Eren probably has a concussion at this point, why aren't you worried about him?".
"I don't mean to be harsh, but Eren can't be a soldier if he can't even use the ODM gear" she explains bluntly. Armin is about to retort, but Eren stops him. "Armin, if you're going to baby me then go to the mess hall, I don't need you telling me this right now!". He never thought he'd be in a situation where Armin is the one acting like some sort of older sibling, "do they really both consider me that weak?!" he ponders. A part of him thinks it's crazy that Mikasa isn't trying to coddle him like she always does, but he's too enraged at everyone and himself to pay it mind.
Armin, with a defeated look on his face, moves to walk over to the mess hall. Before he does, however, he turns to Mikasa, "normally I wouldn't bother to say this, but I feel like I should. Don't let Eren get hurt, Mikasa". She looks back at Armin, staring at him for a few silent seconds, a genuine firmness in her eyes that Eren feels like he hasn't seen for a long time.
"I won't."
Armin looks perturbed in the same way Eren is, but his perplexity quickly diminishes as he nods and turns around, walking away.
MIKASA POV
"What are you looking at me like that for?" Eren snaps at her. Mikasa looks away from him and back at her food, but her eyes remain wide. She mutters a quick "nothing" to get him off her back, not that it ever works.
He is literally steaming. Mikasa's surprised, especially because no one's seemed noticed. "did this happen last time? or is it because I pushed him too hard?", she can't help but think. It makes sense, he probably sustained plenty of cuts to his head, but it puts her on edge regardless. She furrows her brow, looking around the room to make sure Annie, Reiner, or Bertholdt don't take notice. It's just a few scratches, so it shouldn't take too long, but that's not nearly enough to calm Mikasa down.
For a second she thinks she made the wrong call, making him try and try again to no avail. It was hard to see him so discouraged, and to see him hurt himself, but ever since the ODM training began she realized she had the perfect plan. She remembered that Shadis tampered with his gear, and while that alone wasn't enough to break his spirits the first time around, if she keeps pushing him, keeps telling him to get back up, only for him to inevitably fail because it's impossible with faulty gear, then he might be so discouraged that he'll give up before he gets the chance to switch gear. That is her plan, and so far it's gone pretty well. Every time she told him to get up, he didn't complain.
In fact, it was her that stopped the session. The sun had nearly fallen entirely, and she was getting tired of seeing him get hurt. But the look on his face when she told him that he wasn't going to get anywhere and that they should leave was one of utter dispiritedness, one that made her want to embrace him and tell him that it's okay. She was beginning to feel bad, but remembering the thousands of trampled souls, she knows she's doing the right thing.
"Hey, Daz, isn't he the one who said he was gonna slaughter all the titans yesterday? I guess it's off to the fields for him tomorrow", one of the trainees says as they walk past her, Eren, and Armin's table. "Yeah, we can't afford to feed the useless" the other one responds.
Eren tenses up, probably ready to fight the two of them head on, injuries and all. Mikasa grabs his hand, making him flinch in response, "there's no point in worrying about it".
"There's always tomorrow, you can just learn to do it then" Armin consoles, but Mikasa isn't about to let Eren have any kind of hope.
"No. If you ever had a chance, you would have at least been improving. You know how many times we tried." she says, causing Armin to sigh and look at her, slightly bewildered. Eren puts his head down on the table.
"How pathetic. I said I was gonna wipe them all out, but I can't even figure out the stupid gear." he says with a slight quiver, probably trying to hold back tears. Mikasa gives his hand a light squeeze.
"Eren...", she continues. "you should just forget about that altogether". He sighs sadly in response, not moving his head from it's snug place on the table. "I wish I didn't have to convince you to quit..." a total lie, "I saw the same thing you did that day. But all you're going to be able to do as a soldier is throw your life away". Armin is silent, probably because she's making a sound argument, but it is clear from his expression that something doesn't fit right with him, and she guesses he'll figure out that something sooner rather than later, so she has to keep going.
Eren doesn't respond to her words, so she puts her free hand on his shoulder, "I'm not saying you should return to the fields by yourself, because wherever you go, I'll go with you". Eren lifts his head up suddenly, a new anger in his eyes.
"Just quit it Mikasa!" he looks back to Armin, who has his eyes down and is remaining silent, "I didn't realize you both had such little faith in me. Do you really expect me to quit after watching my own mom get eaten?!". The commotion in the mess hall dies down a little, a few of them looking over to the argument that is going on before them.
"You don't get to decide if you're fit to be a soldier."
"And I guess I should listen to you, Mikasa, who never wanted me to be one to begin with! You never thought I could do it!"
"This isn't about what I think,"
"Of course it is! The only reason you joined was so you could watch over me and never let me be a proper soldier, and that's the only reason you want me to quit! I don't care if I can't do it, wherever I go I don't want you around treating me like I'm some kid who can't handle himself!" he shouts, loudly standing up and storming off into the night, and leaving a palpable silence in his wake.
She didn't think it could hurt her that much. This is what she wants, she wants him to completely lose hope and quit being a soldier. He'll get over it eventually, and then so many people will be saved, her Eren will be saved. But... her face must have betrayed her, because she feels Armin touch one of her hands, gripping it softly. "He didn't mean that..." he says, the compassion thick in his voice.
"I know" she says, though she can't finish without choking on a cry, scowling deeply to keep any tears from forming. "why are you acting like this? you know he didn't mean it". She supposes she just didn't expect it to be this hard, even though she is crushing his dreams. "You've heard a lot worse from him. Besides, it doesn't matter, you are going to save him, right?"
"Eren... has to leave the military" she says slowly, confirming it to both Armin but also herself.
"This isn't about the ODM gear... is it?" Armin finally asks. Well, she should have expected him to figure it out, but what's important now is making sure her face doesn't betray just how much she wants to keep Eren from fighting the titans, so she closes her eyes and turns away.
"It's almost curfew, I'm going to bed". Armin doesn't stop her as she sits up and walks out.
EREN POV
Eren is the first one in his sleeping quarters, sitting snugly in his place on the top bunk, his blankets wrapped around him like a futon. This might be his last night here. sure, he won't miss the snoring of his bunkmates or the unpleasant creaks of the worn beds, but it was all just a sign that he was a true soldier. Now, he doesn't know what to do with himself. Having calmed down a bit, he regrets saying those things to Mikasa. If he had to live without her or Armin it would be awful, especially of they're out there risking their lives as soldiers while he farms peacefully. Still, her words were like a knife to the gut, he didn't need them right now, not when he feels so weak.
It doesn't make any sense. Mikasa never wanted him to be a soldier, but he thought she would be with him no matter what. Now it feels like she doesn't respect him, like she coddles him out of some kind of pity. His stomach churns in rage at the thought. "I don't need her pity, I don't need Armin's pity".
But how is he supposed to be a soldier now? As much as it hurt, Mikasa is right, there's nothing he can really do about his situation, as frustrating as it is. He hears a familiar creak of the wooden floorboards as he recognizes his best friend come into the room.
"What are you doing, it's not curfew?" he asks, the resignation clear in his voice.
Armin sighs, "Don't let Mikasa get you down, Eren. She only wants you to be safe". Eren sits back up to look at him. "I just can't believe I can't get the ODM gear to work. Mikasa is right, Armin... she never pushes me like that, but she did this time, because she knows how important gear training is"
"Eren..."
"Maybe I can't be a soldier. But, even if I can't, I don't want you to follow me. I know I can't stop Mikasa bu-"
Armin climbs the ladder to Eren's bed, a tenacious look on his face. "what are you talking about? you're gonna give up after one afternoon?"
Eren frowns again, "it's not like I want to! but what other choice do I have?"
"You said we'd see the ocean together, Eren" he states. Eren opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. He closes it again, sighing sadly as he looks back at his pillows. It pains him to quit, but it almost feels like he deserves to. He can't remember the last time Mikasa was so encouraging towards something like this. She rarely spoke against him, sure, and she always went along with him, but this time she was pushing him to do better, and he still failed.
But... the ocean. He promised Armin he'd see the ocean with him, he promised his mom that he'd kill all the titans. He feels Armin grip his hand, an encouraging smile on his face. "We will be free, no matter what it takes. I'll try the gear until my head comes off. This isn't about Mikasa, this is about the titans" he decides. He gives Armin a firm nod and a resolute smile, "you're right, Armin. I did. I can't believe I was about to give up".
Armin nods back, "there's the Eren I know, let's do this."
Eren moves to shake his covers off, but Armin halts him midway through, "actually, it's almost curfew, we probably won't be able to try again until tomorrow"
"Right... but there's got to be something we can do"
After a few seconds of contemplation, Armin lights up, "maybe we can ask some of the other trainees, everyone else seems to be getting a hang of the gear, they might have some good advice for you".
Eren lights up in return, "Yeah, that's a great idea!", and the two of them jump right off the bed.
"The trick to control? Sorry, but I'm gifted. All I can tell you is to feel it" Connie suggests without much thought. Eren wants to groan in exasperation but steels himself. They were nice enough to help him out and it's a humiliating enough subject. "If anything," Jean cuts in, "I'd like to hear your trick for staying sane after putting on such a pathetic spectacle". He supposes he had that one coming, but of course it had to come out of Jean's stupid mouth. Still, biting back his anger, just like Armin told him to, he responds.
"C'mon guys, I'm begging you here!"
Connie shrugs, "But didn't you say yesterday, 'if you can't cut it here, you have to leave? Or was it, 'if you don't got talent, you have to leave? Which was it again". Eren finally lets a groan out at this, and luckily Armin is there to reply for him. "Maybe he did, but we're all soldiers here, we have to help each other out when the time calls for it". Connie raises his hands up in a mock surrender, "it's like I said, there's not much to say." Jean snorts, "yeah, you know there's not much strategy to it if this guy can figure it out" he bumps Connie with his elbow, earning a frown from the short-haired boy.
"Please! I heard you're both really good at it, Bertholdt, Reiner". Here he is talking to two of the people Mikasa doesn't care for, but he's not going to let her baseless beliefs influence how he handles things. They've both proved to be extremely good with the ODM gear too. Reiner crosses his arms, "Sorry, but there aren't any real tricks to just hanging there. I can't think of any especially helpful advice, either."
Eren looks down. Damn, this hasn't been working nearly as well as the thought. Still, he's not giving up on anything. If there really is no advice to be given, then practice will just have to make perfect. He hears Armin begin to get up, "I guess we'll just have to try again tomorrow, Eren". He nods in response, but Bertholdt stops them from moving just yet. "You two are, uh, from Shiganshina, aren't you?"
"Yes, we are" Armin responds.
"Then you know how terrifying the titans are. So why do you want to be soldiers?". Eren remains silent, reminded of Mikasa in that moment. She never understood why he wanted to be a soldier so badly, he can see it in her eyes every time he talks about killing the titans.
"Unlike Eren, I didn't witness the titan threat firsthand, but I decided I couldn't sit there and do nothing after the Royal Government forced people into that absolutely awful retrieval operation" Armin answers.
"I see."
"Where are you two from?"
"Reiner and I are from a mountain village on the southeast side of Wall Maria."
"Hey, wasn't that-"
"Yeah. Unlike the prosperous towns along the river, we didn't receive word right away. The titans showed up well before the information did. It happened at dawn. The livestock was acting up, and these strange rumblings kept getting louder. At some point, I realized they were footfalls of some sort. And then, when I hurriedly opened the window... After that I, uh, don't really remember"
Eren feels a shiver ghost his back. Something about that sounds viscerally... well, he can't find the word. It kind of reminds him of a dream.
"Everyone was in such a panic-"
"Hey, now, what are you suddenly bringing that up for?" Reiner interjects Bertholdt before he goes on some terrifying tangent.
"Sorry. Basically, what I was trying to say is that you guys probably aren't like them"
"Them?" Armin asks.
"The others here who don't know the horror of the titans". They all remained silent at that, in agreement. "Hey," Reiner says as he puts a hand on Bertholdt's shoulder.
"Well, thanks anyways" Eren says, ready once again to get up, but Reiner speaks up again. "There's this great area nearby one of the hills outside, I think it might help". Eren's face lights up, "okay!". Yeah, looking at some kind of view from a hill really wouldn't help that much, Eren thinks, but he's desperate for anything.
"B-but it's almost past curfew," Armin reminds them apprehensively, but Reiner chuckles, "don't worry about it, we won't get caught"
"They're mostly here for show. To live up to society's expectations. You're seen as a coward if you choose production work when you turn twelve. Society's pushed them into becoming trainees", Bertholdt explains to the pair as the four of them walk outside in a wooded area, lanterns in tow.
"Though, I'm no different. I chose to be a soldier in the hopes of joining the Military Police, so I could work in the safety of the interior". There's another one, then. So far, Eren's been dumbstruck by the amount of people who want to join the military just so they don't have to risk their lives, though it makes sense. "you're spending too much time around the optimistic Armin" he thinks to himself.
"If that doesn't work out, I might give up entirely. I don't have much of any will to call my own, you see." he finishes.
"You shouldn't be ashamed for valuing your own life" Armin reassures.
"As for me, I'm going to return to the hometown we lost. That's all I care about now. I will do it, no matter what" Reiner explains decisively. Now that's a goal Eren can really respect.
"What about you? Why do want to become a soldier?" Bertholdt asks him. He thinks about Mikasa's words, but his mom... watching her struggle as the titan easily overpowers and consumes her... it shoves all of his doubts away. "I decided I have to kill them. I decided I have to slaughter all the titans, with my own hands if I have to"
"That reminds me," Reiner questions, "it looked like you were having quite the fight with a girl a few hours ago". Eren sighs, "yeah, that's Mikasa. She doesn't think I'm fit to become a soldier. You know her?"
Reiner frowns a bit, though he kind of always looks like he's frowning, so it's hard to tell, "yeah... I'm surprised she hasn't said anything about us to you. She doesn't seem to like us that much, you know why?"
Eren laughs a bit, thinking back to Annie, "not at all, I'm just as in the dark about it as you are, though not for a lack of trying". He sees Bertholdt look back to where he's going, a bit discomforted. "But I wouldn't worry about it, she seems to be randomly picking people that she doesn't trust. There was a girl in our scouting party for the mission we completed a few days ago... Annie I think was her name... Mikasa told me not to trust her either" Eren explains, hoping it would assuage some of their worries, but it doesn't look like it did. Reiner looks back in front of him as well, "huh, strange..." he responds. Eren can see Bertholdt tense up a bit, and he wonders if they know Annie from any of their training sessions. However, before he can ask, the tall boy brings the subject back to Eren.
"So, your encounter with the titans didn't break your will?"
Eren nods. "That's right. But now it's a question of whether or not I'm actually cut out to be a soldier"
However, they arrived at the peak of the hill, looking over the vast forests and river, the full moon elucidating it perfectly. "check your equipment, starting with your belt adjustment" Reiner says as they look across the expanse. Eren thinks that's actually a pretty good idea, and he looks to Armin, who puts his hand on his chin in contemplation.
"You'll do just fine tomorrow, I'm sure of it. Eren Jaeger, was it?"
"Yeah, thanks" Eren smiles, "Reiner Braun, right?"
THE NEXT DAY
This is it. It was hard to sleep last night, a mixture of fear from the very possible failure and anxiousness from wanting to prove himself here and now. Mikasa's words plagued him through the night, further cementing just how desperately he wanted to prove her wrong.
"Eren Jaeger, are you ready?" Shadis' titanic figure stares down at him, but he's seen much worse, and he won't let anything stop him. "Yes sir!"
"I'm going to do it! I am! I might not have raw skill, but no one has more guts than I do!" he mentally prepares himself. The instructor's "begin!" is all he needs. "To hell with logic! It's completely baseless but my will is all I got!" he thinks as the wires begin to lift him. He closes his eyes and keeps all of his focus on his balance, just like Mikasa said, and it actually begins to work. Realizing that he's been holding on for at least five seconds, he looks to the other trainees, some of them letting out cheers. Armin is smiling hopefully, but the girl next to him looks emotionless, staring lightly at the ground. Though Eren can see it in her eyes, she's trying hard not to show her scowl.
"I did it! I'm doing it! That proves you wrong Mika-" but before he can finish his thought the tenuous balance he achieved escapes his grasp and, like so many times before, the world is flipping upside down, as is a bit of his heart. "No! Not again, I can do this!"
"N-not yet! I can still do it!" he can hear the cheers die down into sighs of disappointment. "Let him down" the instructor said, the anger gone in his voice. If he didn't know any better, he would think he sounds pitiful, but he's probably holding back some sort of amusement. "I-I'm..." he begs to no one in particular. "Is this it? I won't even be allowed to help humanity, to slaughter the titans?", he can feel that familiar sensation behind his eyes, showing that he's about to cry, but his pride won't let him.
"Wagner, switch belts with Jaeger" Shadis instructs. Eren's eyes widen in puzzlement, "yes sir!" Thomas responds. This is it, another chance, probably his last one. He takes Wagner's belt and readies his gear, his conviction coming back in full swing. And when he lifts himself up, he frowns hard, focusing more intensely than he ever has, not that it matters. "wait, what?". It's easy, he's hanging there, five seconds, ten seconds, twenty seconds. This is an absolute victory, but Eren is dumbstruck, which the Commandant notices, holding up the old belt. "Your equipment was defective. The belt you were using had a broken clasp. I've never heard of this part breaking before. I guess we'll have to add it to the maintenance checklist" he explains.
Eren hears the voice of one of the other trainees, "So, even with broken equipment, he still managed to hang there for a few seconds?". "Whoa!" another yells, but Eren doesn't bother to notice too much. "I... can do it? I'm a soldier?"
"Th-then, what about my aptitude evaluation?" he asks nervously, needing that one last confirmation. "You pass. Train hard!" Keith finishes, walking away. Eren throws his hands in the air with an overjoyed smile, "I did it! I did it! What do you think of that, Mikasa?! I can fight the titans! there's no need for me to depend on you anymore.", though a bit of enthusiasm falters when he looks at his best friend's faces. Armin looks even more shocked than Eren does at the revelation of having broken gear, meanwhile Mikasa looks downcast.
"Looks like things worked out for him," Reiner mentions with a smile, "his eyes say, 'what do you think of that?'" Armin adds. Mikasa walks away from the crowd.
"See, what did I tell you?" Reiner walks ahead of the group with a satisfied grin on his face.
"Yeah, I can't believe I forgot to check that before I started, but I guess everything worked out" Eren says happily, looking over to Armin, who is staring at the ground, seemingly thinking about something. "What's wrong, Armin? We can fight together now, we can do everything we set out to do!" he puts a hand on Armin's shoulder in encouragement. The blonde raises his head to him and tries at a smile, but it's weak, causing Eren to arch his eyebrows in concern.
"Well, we should go get prepared for the afternoon's exercises, we'll catch up with you guys later" Reiner says, ushering Bertholdt to follow as they walk to the quarters. Eren and Armin make their way to the storage shed where they keep the ODM gear. The walk there is silent, with Eren confident that Armin will speak when he has his thoughts put together. Mikasa would be with them, but he hasn't seen her since she left before Eren had the chance to get out of his gear. They get into the shed and Eren easily unbuckles all of the harnesses around his body, placing them neatly in the holding space, like he's handling a fragile work of art. However, as they leave, Armin's silence starts to wear at his patience.
"C'mon, Armin, what's on your mind"
"It's nothing... I'm sure I'm just being paranoid" Armin keeps his eyes off of him as he shakes his head.
Eren frowns, "You know that every time you say you're paranoid, you end up completely right about whatever you're thinking, don't you?"
Armin sighs, taking a second to find the right words, "I-I think... Mikasa might have had something to do with your gear breaking". Eren stares at him incredulously.
"What...? There's no way" he tries to brush off. Sure, Mikasa might have been overly anxious to see him quit, but she's always been like that, and at the end of the day she's always by his side.
"I don't know for sure, but... just think about it. She kept pushing you to try the gear again and again yesterday, even though it was obvious you weren't getting anywhere. It was strange... but if Mikasa tampered with your gear, it makes more sense. She was adamant on you quitting afterwards, so maybe she was hoping that you would get discouraged and leave the military."
Eren looks back ahead of him, eyes wide, the gear slowly turning in his head. The logic is sound, but... it can't be. "No, what's strange is why she would ever do that in the first place! You got to remember, this is Mikasa, she saw the same thing I did that day, she would never sabotage me like that" he counters angrily, not that he means for that anger to be directed at Armin, though.
"You're right, but she's been acting strange since we started training a couple of weeks ago, ever since she woke up from her nightmare, don't tell me you haven't noticed it."
Eren remains silent. That is true... Mikasa would not have acted that way, but the Mikasa that he's been talking to ever since training, the one that dislikes Reiner, Bertholdt, and Annie for no reason, and is unreasonably amicable towards Jean of all people...
"It's possible that the gear just malfunctioned, but with the way Shadis said that it's never happened before, and the way she looked upset when you switched gear... why else would she not be here with us? If someone did tamper with it... it might have been Mikasa"
Eren can't really argue with that. The puzzle pieces fit too well, and even though he doesn't want to believe it, he's starting to get convinced. "I can't believe it" he mutters as rage and hurt start to seep into his confused mind. "After all this time, she tries to make it so I give up on my dreams...?!"
Armin must be able to see the way Eren's jaw clenches and his knuckles turn white. "Maybe I should talk to her. It might be a coincidence, and we can get the truth and put it behind us." he suggests, but Eren shuts him down.
"No... I'm going to talk to her. If it's true, I want to hear her reason". Armin looks apprehensive, but he doesn't say anything.
IN THE EVENING
Finally, he finds her standing outside the mess hall, lost in thought. He saw her during their afternoon endurance exercises, but he wasn't in any kind of position to talk to her. But, now they'll be alone, and he can get the truth. The more he thought about Armin's theory the more plausible it seemed, and the more betrayed he felt towards his best friend, the girl he took in three years ago.
"Mikasa!" he yells as he jogs over to her. She looks up quickly, but her eyes have a gloomy shine to them. Not that she's been crying, but she is very clearly distressed.
"Eren..." she says, tugging the scarf up to her chin, trying her best to steel herself but clearly failing in front of the boy who knows her better than anyone else. He crosses his arms and gives her a light frown. "Where were you today? You left before I could even get down from the ODM gear..."
"Sorry." she says, keeping her eyes off of him, "I had to prepare for the exercises".
"pfft, sure." he remarks about her lame excuse, "she was in her uniform, how much more prepared does she need to get?"
She actually tries to walk away, but Eren grabs her arm, all but convinced at this point that Mikasa is hiding something. "why have you been acting like this?" he feels himself blurt out. It isn't the specific topic he wants to approach, but he finds that all the anger and hurt that has been building up for most of the day compels him.
"I don't know what you mean" she tries to tug herself away from Eren's grasp but he moves down to grip her hand, making her look at him. When she does, the regret on her face is as clear as the cloudless night sky. "did... did she?"
"Mikasa... did you mess with my ODM gear?" he asks simply, trying to keep the anger at bay. She doesn't respond, only looking back at the ground.
"You... did?" Eren can't stop the pain from sculpting his face as his stomach drops, "Wh-why?"
She looks back at him, those grey eyes usually so void filled with a genuine pain and fear. Despite how betrayed he feels, he instinctively squeezes her hand, now just desperate to understand. But still, she doesn't respond, like she's trying fiercely to keep everything from spilling out. He knows he's on the precipice here, if he can just get her to talk to him. He finds that he's never wanted to know what she's thinking so badly in his life, and he doesn't know how to coax it out of her.
"I thought you would be at my side, like you always have been, fighting the titans with me." his voice falters a bit as he feels a coil of anger tighten inside him. "was this really what she wanted? I don't understand..."
She keeps her mouth closed.
"C'mon Mikasa, why would you do that?! Talk to me!" his temper begins to get the better of him. "Please..."
"I-I didn't tamper with your gear..." She finally lets out. Eren feels a pounding weight leave his chest as he sighs. Her eyes tell the truth, but there's still more to the story, and Eren pulls her closer to him by her hand, passionate green eyes still pleading. Tears haunt the corners of her eyes.
"But I knew that it was there. I-I just..." she continues, "I don't want you to be a soldier..." she closes her eyes to block the tears from coming. Eren wants to bark at her, tell her that he's doing it no matter what she says, that he promised he would slaughter the titans, but he sees her state and realizes how authentic she's being, for the first time in so long. He pulls her close and hugs her, and she readily returns it. "I'm sorry..." she squeaks.
They stay that way for a bit, with Eren waiting for her to calm down so he can talk to her, and a hug being the most surefire way to achieve that. Soon, he hears her sigh, sadly but contently, in his embrace and he pulls back. "You know you can't stop me from becoming a soldier."
"I know... I never really expected you to leave. I just- please... I don't want you to die, Eren"
"Is this what this is about? Why you've been acting so cold towards me? I'm not going to die. I'm going to train, and work harder than anyone else. Trust me, you don't need to protect me", but this does little to placate her. Her eyes, the urgency and fear in them look like they're trying to tell him something, but whatever it is, she won't say it.
"Okay... you're right. I'm sorry" she finishes, pulling her hand from his. Eren wants to continue, but he gets the feeling that this is the most he'll get out of her. "You should go eat, curfew is in a few hours". Eren frowns, but relents. He doubts that he's done much to change her mind, but he's glad that she didn't go out of her way to sabotage him. "it's the same as it's always been. she just wants to protect me..."
"Right..." he says as he moves to walk away.
"See you later, Eren" she mentions, turning around to walk to her quarters.
Eren stops. A shiver runs down his back, and he turns around, scratching his head. An intense feeling of Déjà vu washes over him. "Uh, what did you say?". Mikasa turns around, confused. "what?" she asks.
"Sorry," Eren scratches his head, "I feel like I've heard you say that before". "what are you thinking, Eren, you've known her for three years of course she's said that before", his logical side tries to convince him. But... there's something about it that gives him a profound sense of melancholy. "this is stupid, forget about it".
He sighs, "I'm just tired, I'll see you later, Mikasa" he says as he walks briskly into the mess hall.
He didn't even seem to notice the color completely drained from Mikasa's face.
There you have it. Like I said, wayyy longer than I expected it to be (remember last week when I said it wouldn't be as long as last chapter lolol). So sorry for the Tuesday date, I'll try to get my overwriting habit under control so that you guys can get a new chapter next Sunday, especially because there's no anime until the winter now ;(. Anyways, thank you for reading, and as always, please leave a review telling me what you thought! Thank you! -Y