Note: A large part of this chapter follows the manga/anime from Levi's PoV (Anime: Season 3 Episodes 13-18; Manga: Chapters 73-84). This sequence is among my favorites in the entire series because of how much it reveals about Levi and his struggle to do the right thing in a truly fucked up world. I took the liberty of adding my interpretation of his inner voice.
Press on under the cover of darkness. Rest briefly. Press on. Rest. Press on. Rest…
The glowing ore lamps painted the path in front of them in an eerie white light, putting a deadly pallor on weary faces. Everyone was showing nerves this close to their destination. Even the more seasoned soldiers had a haunted look in their eyes and jumped at shadows - which sometimes held the huge forms of sleeping Titans. Pure luck those were not the night-moving kind.
They were too slow, Levi thought grimly when they stopped once more for the next shift of soldiers to catch a bit of sleep. It was a race against time: As soon as the sun rose, they were going to be Titan fodder. All this fuss and such an enthusiastic send-off by the people of Trost just to end up in a Titan's mouth even before they reached Shiganshina? Not an option. But exhausting everyone to the brink of unconsciousness before engaging the enemy wasn't an option either. A typical situation for the Survey Corps: Do one thing, be fucked. Do another thing, be fucked too.
Levi walked the perimeter of their defense as soon as everyone had settled down. During the last stop, he had caught two new recruits napping, which could very well mean the end of all of them out here. Everybody knew better than to nap after the dressing-down those two had gotten. But this time, he came upon a frantically muttering Kirshtein.
"Are you praying?" Levi snarled. "That's useless. And be quiet when on guard, the enemy has ears everywhere."
"Captain Levi!" Kirschtein jumped up like he was caught doing something very naughty and an unbecoming blush crept up his long face. "I wasn't praying, no sir. I was just…"
"Nerves?" Levi scrutinized the young man before him. "Or... regrets."
"The latter, sir," Kirshtein admitted.
Ah. Jean's infatuation with Mikasa was not exactly a new problem. But until now, Levi had believed it was under control. Protecting Eren so he could do his thing was still one of their prime objectives. Jean needed his wits about him and he definitely couldn't let some foolish lovesickness interfere with their mission goals.
"Listen," Levi began patiently, "there are plenty of women inside the Walls. There is no point in pining after the one you simply cannot have. Get yourself a nice girl once we're back in Trost and move on."
"I've tried that," Jean pulled a miserable face. "It backfired."
"Then try again. Harder," and with that, Levi turned around to walk on, what needed to be said was said, his patience only lasted this far.
"It won't help," Kirshtein called after him desperately. "I should have told her how I feel. I might die in a few hours and will forever regret it if I don't. It's exactly like with you and Squad Leader Hange…"
"Stop right there if you value your tongue," Levi swiveled around. "What?"
"You and Squad Leader Hange, you too are..."
"When did you get the fucking impression that you and me are close enough to discuss my relationship with Squad Leader Hange?" Levi snarled.
"Oh, but everybody is talking…" Jean gulped frantically when he met Levi's blazing eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry Captain Levi! It won't happen again."
Leveling his deadliest of death stares on the young man as he walked away, Levi gritted his teeth. What had he just heard? Everybody was talking about him and Hanji? When had that happened? Any why?!
"Moblit," he snarled, spotting the officer's eternally worried face up ahead. "Where's Hanji?"
"Finally sleeping, Captain Levi," Moblit dropped his voice as he threw a worried look over his shoulder. "Please don't wake her."
Ah, right. It was her turn to rest. Levi craned his neck until he could see her immobile blanket-wrapped body on the ground. Then, he waved Moblit to the side.
"Are people talking about her and me?" Levi confronted Hanji's assistant.
"Er…," Moblit began to fidget, "I'm not sure I understand what you…"
"Out with it," Levi demanded. "Is that infernal betting book involved again?"
"No," Moblit shook his head vigorously, "no, Hange-san burnt that after Zacharias' death. He was always vehemently against it and she wanted to honor his wishes."
Oh fucking great. That's how much she had valued Mike. Like he needed a reminder how stupid it was to feel jealous of a dead guy. .
"I want you to know that there is absolutely nothing to talk about," Levi informed Moblit. "And I want you to tell everybody else who thinks otherwise."
"Uhm, Captain Levi, if I may offer a piece of advice… never deny something or people will think..."
Levi glared at Hanji's assistant, who promptly faltered. No, he needed no advice from anybody. Whatever people thought was going on between Hanji and himself was wrong - because nothing was going on. And he fucking didn't need a reminder about it from any nitwits.
"Just fucking do what I tell you," Levi barked and turned around to leave.
"Captain Levi, wait," Moblit grabbed his sleeve. "I… I actually wanted to thank you for being there for Hanji-san last night. She's… she's facing a lot of pressure and..."
"Last night…?"
"Yes, when you…"
"You saw us?"
"Oh, by accident, I was just looking for her, you know, the usual thing, I was worried because she drank a bit too much, and then I spotted you sitting in that alley together and…"
"And what exactly do you think you saw?" Levi balled his fists, his temper steadily rising. "We're friends. That's what it's called. Friends."
"Ah… yes. Yes, I understand," Moblit's head bobbed up and down, "I'm really thankful you are her friend. She really needs a friend right now."
If he throttled Moblit the next time he said 'friend' with this taunting inflection, would that be a problem? Hanji would certainly miss him but apart from that…? Necks snapped so easily if you applied the right kind of pressure.
"Levi?" Erwin's voice suddenly called out from the shadows behind them and Moblit took the chance to scurry away hastily when Levi's attention shifted. "I need a word. Come over here."
"You just saved Berner's life," Levi informed Erwin darkly after he had joined the Commander under the trees. "The fucking idiot told everyone some bullshit about me and Hanji. When all we did was sit there like… friends. Fuck!"
"What are you so worked up about?" Erwin's gigantic eyebrows lifted.
"Everyone is talking..."
"... about you and Hange, yes, it was to be expected."
"Huh?!"
"Don't shout, Levi, are you a novice?" Erwin cautioned. "The enemy has ears everywhere."
"I just cannot understand that we're on one of the most important missions in the history of the Survey Corps and people are talking about Hanji and me?" Levi felt like pulling his own hair, that's how upset he was over this.
"You're not like other people, that's why," Erwin scoffed. "Gossip is important. It gives people something to think about other than dying."
"And why can't they talk about something else, I don't know, like Treibel's weird haircut or why he asked for a transfer to the Military Police right before this mission? Or your eyebrows. Do you actually groom them?"
"People talk about what interests them. And right now, people ship you and Hange."
"Ship…?"
"Yes. Shipping means that…"
"I fucking know what it means. But it's nobody's business what Hanji and I do and…"
"Come on," Erwin's eyes began twinkling in the lamp light. The fucking bastard was amused. "You have been avoiding her for years like you fear to catch fire when you get too close to her. It's plain obvious for everyone with eyes in their heads. Even the recruits immediately caught on. We're just waiting for you to finally lose your shit."
"But I…," Levi glared. "We, huh? I thought we have fucking rules, Commander?"
"I'm impressed by how a thug from the underground with probably the biggest issues with discipline I have ever seen has come to love and respect rules so much. How very convenient."
Levi did not fucking believe this. They were in the middle of a Titan infested forest, a few hours away from Shiganshina, where their Titan enemies were likely waiting for them to give them living hell and he was told by his commanding officer to disobey one of the fundamental rules of the Survey Corps?
"Close your mouth, Levi," Erwin said. "And calm down. People are just happy to see you're human. Cut them some slack. And relax a little from time to time."
"I'm just going to pretend this conversation did not happen, okay?" Levi gritted his teeth. "What is it you wanted to discuss?"
"Wasn't there actually a wedding between you two in the underground…?"
"I'm going to kill you. I mean it."
"I wanted to discuss strategy, what else."
"Then get going, asshole."
"So I was thinking, when we get near Shiganshina, we should charge and use 3D maneuvering gear to…"
It took a bit of an effort to pay full attention to Erwin's ideas, Levi realized. He had not been shipped before, at least not to his knowledge. It felt… kinda nice. Warm. Comfortable. Maybe he didn't mind so much. No, he didn't mind at all. What an idiot he was. They were in the middle of a Titan infested forest, a few hours away from Shiganshina, and he had to suppress a stupid little grin from curling his lips and embarrassing him.
###
Not even three hours later and every grin he had not let curl his lips was now forever wasted.
They were all going to die.
That thought held no fear - it was just such a damn waste. And it made Levi incredibly angry that a furry fucking ball-less monkey and two overpowered teenagers would be the ones to defeat them.
"We're doomed," Levi remarked to Erwin who joined them from above after they had retreated right back to the wall to better protect the horses. "What's going on on the other side?"
"I know that Eren is still alive but that's probably it," Erwin replied drily. "Not sure anybody else survived the blast from when the Colossal Titan transformed."
Levi felt a piercing pain in the region of the heart. It needed to be dismissed. It didn't matter. Death was their only future, it had always been. If Hanji had died, she… she… cannot be dead. I didn't even get to tell her that I… I...
"Regrets?" Erwin looked at him almost fondly.
Goddamn, yes. What an idiot I've been.
"I'll get over it," Levi murmured, one benefit of a life that was about to end. "That ugly fucker lured us to the front using the smaller Titans before he started to throw rocks. Dirk Squad, Marlene Squad, Klaus Squad… they're completely wiped out."
A fucking waste. And he was just as useless as everybody else - despite a very good chance to kill Reiner earlier, he had failed. And despite telling Erwin that he'd bring him the Beast Titan's head on a platter, that head was still very much in place.
"It's looking bad. He has already destroyed the first row of houses," Erwin observed. "If he keeps this up, the entire area will be leveled. Then we'll have nowhere left to hide."
"We can't retreat to the other side of the wall?"
"No. The Colossal Titan is approaching from that side, leaving a trail of fire in his wake. If we scaled the wall to avoid the stones, we'd have to leave the horses behind. Retreating now would leave us no hope of victory."
Victory? Hope? In one sentence? That was too funny. They could either die down here, trying to save horses that nobody would be able to ride back when they were all dead - or they could die up there, waiting for a gigantic furnace to make crispy meat out of them.
"It's just you, me and a bunch of very scared new recruits now, Levi."
Almost as a confirmation of how fucked they were, the screaming from the recruits started again with the next volley of stones howling through the air. Slam. Above them, Eren's Titan form appeared, his head hanging half-way down the wall.
"He got sent flying all the way up the wall, huh," Levi stated the obvious. Well, the brat deserved points for trying. He had come a long way from the hapless weakling he had been to someone who had mastered his hardening ability with the greatest determination. More rocks came flying their way. Much too close this time.
"The Beast has just about figured out where we are," Levi felt a peculiar rush of energy. "This place is about to be flattened, Erwin. If there is no hope for a counterattack, let's prepare to retreat. Go up there and slap Eren awake. Have him carry away as many people as he can. We can at least save a few people that way."
Now he was spouting nonsense like this too? Hope - what an overabused nuisance. To the left of them, one of the recruits - wasn't his name Floch - had yet another breakdown, babbling about wanting to be a hero when joining the Survey Corps, realizing now how utterly meaningless it all was.
That, Levi refused to believe. No. Their struggles were not meaningless. No death was meaningless. It didn't make dying any more worthwhile but at least it helped with walking with your head up high until the end. Kill or be killed. Die trying.
"Maybe you should have what remains of the recruits and Hange's squad scatter on horseback and head for home?" Levi suggested to Erwin. "While the Titans focus on them, you could escape on Eren."
"Levi, what are you planning?" Nice of Erwin to pretend this made any sense.
"I'll handle the Beast Titan. I can draw him away and…"
"Impossible. You won't even get close," Erwin interrupted.
"Probably not. But if my attack helps you and Eren make it home alive, we'll still have hope. Isn't that the best we can ask for at this point?"
Erwin smirked. Yeah, ridiculous. It was just as laughable as telling people to dedicate their hearts right before sending them to their death. Dedicate your hearts and watch them be ripped to pieces. And yet, it always worked, didn't it? It was the kind of nonsense people wanted to hear.
"This is a complete defeat," Levi remarked drily. "And you know that. To be perfectly honest, I doubt a single one of us is making it back alive at this point."
"You'd be right," Erwin replied after a very brief pause. "If a counterattack were truly impossible."
Huh?
"It's possible?!"
"Yes."
"Then why didn't you say that sooner? I made a complete fool of myself babbling about hope and retreat here! Why keep your shitty mouth shut, huh?"
"Well. If the plan I have in mind works, you might be able to take down the Beast Titan. As long as the recruits and I… sacrifice our lives in the process."
Uhm, wait a minute. This wasn't going like Levi wanted. He was the one who had offered to sacrifice his life to distract the Beast. He already knew Erwin's suicidal tendencies. It never ended well. Pun intended.
"It's like you said. There will be a huge number of deaths. In fact, our complete extermination is still the most likely result. But that's exactly why our best option is to use our deaths to give us a slim chance of victory."
Erwin began to walk away, out of earshot of the recruits and Levi had to hurry after him to catch up.
"To ask these youths to die, we're going to need an awfully convincing lie. Unless I lead the charge, none of them will follow. Therefore I will be the first to die." The Commander sat down on a large box with a stifled groan. "And I'll never get the chance to learn what's in the basement."
"Hug…?!" Levi asked, unsure whether he had understood correctly. This was definitely not going the way he wanted it to go!
"I… I still want to go to that basement. Everything I've done so far has been for the sake of seeing this day come to pass. I want to see for myself whether I was right all this time. Every time I started to think that death would be the easier path, the dream my father and I shared would flash through my mind. And now, I'm finally close enough to reach out and grasp all the answers. They're so close…"
Erwin's face contorted as he let himself be overwhelmed by feelings.
"But Levi… can you see them? Our fallen comrades? They're watching us right now, asking what became of the hearts they gave for us. Because the fighting isn't over yet. The fighting isn't over. Levi…," what am I to do?
The desperate plea in Erwin's voice gutted Levi. No. Erwin was his Commander. Erwin was also his best friend. No, I don't want to let you die like this. Erwin had been driven by this dream to end his own ignorance, to finally understand the whole truth, that it was what had let them here. It was this man's dream that made all the difference. But...
Eren might have a chance. Eren can get to the basement. Is that what you're saying? The dream… your dream is dead but the truth might still be revealed. Someone else's dream might become possible. Is there such a strange thing called ocean out there? Are all those plants in Hanji's forbidden books real? Is it our duty to lead humanity to freedom beyond the walls?
Hell and damnation. Levi knelt down on one knee abruptly.
"You've fought well," he said, feeling his throat constrict, fighting hard for his voice not to waver. "We never could have come this far without you. I'm... making the choice."
Levi looked up into Erwin's blue eyes that were full of pain and uncertainty. It was what he did best, wasn't it? Dooming his friends to die.
So be it. So fucking be it.
"Give up on your dream and die," he said harshly. "You'll lead the recruits into hell. And I will kill the Beast Titan."
Seeing Erwin's smile and hearing his gentle thanks was confirmation he had done the right thing, Levi told himself.
Goodbye, my friend. Goodbye.
What an awfully convincing lie.
###
What followed was a blur of splattering blood, of rushing through the air so fast it was soon impossible to see how everyone else got slaughtered amidst the green smoke of the signal flares.
Everyone will die someday. Does this mean life is meaningless? Was it pointless for any of us to even be born? Including our fallen comrades. Were their lives meaningless too? No they were not! We are the ones who give their sacrifices meaning! Our fallen comrades and their brave deaths! It is our duty as survivors to remember them! We will die here, trusting our survivors to find meaning in our lives! That is our sole method of rebelling against this cruel world!
A part of Levi realized that this incredible rush of power he was feeling must be part of the Ackerman legacy. And he realized that another man's dream had brought someone like him to this point. By choice - not by force.
I'd follow you everywhere, Erwin. Again. And again. Straight to hell.
Then his ability to think was supplanted by hate burning hotter than a thousand suns.
His nemesis was a furry ape - and he had him. Matching the Titan's scream with his own fury, Levi chopped the Beat's arm into pieces. He took out his eyes. He cut both the tendons on his legs. He cut off the other arm.
And then he finally slashed open that neck and ripped out the human.
The human inside the Beast was a tall, muscular man with gray eyes, shaggy blond hair, and a mustache that descended into his beard. He was missing parts of his arms. Good. He would soon be missing other parts too.
Levi rammed his sword deeply into the human Beast's mouth. The need to kill made him shudder violently. The panic in the hairy fucker's eyes was balm for his soul. Kill. Kill. Kill him.
But… a smart-ass voice in his brain demanded attention. I can't kill this guy yet.
Their orders were clear. If you catch a Titan shifter, cut off their limbs. Use the serum on a worthy comrade. Make them eat the shifter. They would transform back into human form but would have the power of the eaten Titan. With the power of the Beast Titan, they had a chance. This, Levi's brain registered, this was why Erwin had given him that bloody syringe.
Levi tried to see something through the steam from the disintegrating Beast Titan form. Dared he hope that Erwin…? No. Nothing moved out there. Is there someone, anyone, left alive? Just any soldier. What if there was nobody to give the serum to? Just himself. But I'm a freak. Ackerman. What if I never transform back? Or don't transform at all. What if...
A split second of indecision. A split second in which his promise to Erwin went up in fucking smoke and air. The four-legged Titan stole the Beast human away from underneath him. Levi stared in absolute shock at the fast retreating ass of yet another freak who was carrying his enemy away in its mouth.
"Hey, where are you going? Stop… stop!" Levi pressed out.
All the tall Titans charged towards him at once. Levi barely noticed. He had promised. He had promised Erwin! Power surged again in him and he slashed and killed, slashed and killed, humans in Titan form, forced by the Beast Titan to obey - and just like before, he used the Titans to move forward, this time towards the Wall where the four-legged one had gone.
I need to follow, I need to follow… and if it kills me, Erwin, I promised you, I promised…
Levi reached that Wall. He was out of gas, he dimly realized. Gas and blades. There was the fucking Beast human, steaming on top of the four-legged supply Titan, one uglier than the other and he had to…
Kill them. Kill them all.
Was that Eren in front of them? They were talking, what the fuck was this? Levi jumped, well… fell off the wall too clumsily and the Supply Titan took off.
I need to follow, I need to follow…
Levi saw that Eren was holding a sword to Bertolt's throat. And behind him on the roof… like a crispy chicken… shame.
"I'm going after them," he barked at Eren, "give me all of your gas and blades! Hurry the fuck up!"
But when had Eren ever listened? The crispy chicken who had once been Armin took something resembling a breath and Eren immediately started to freak out over what he believed to be a sign of hope. Mikasa appeared on the roof too, excellent timing as always. Levi suddenly felt… exhausted beyond measure. All his strength seeped out of him in one big rush.
I… can't… move anymore, Levi realized. But I have to. I have to.
"Captain! Hurry! Give me the syringe!" Eren screamed at him.
Right. The syringe. Levi's hands were shaking so bad he had trouble locating it. There. There it was, right next to his heart. Once chance. Just… one chance.
Mikasa fired a red signal flare. That meant that even more people were alive? Unbelievable. They had had the slimmest of chances for victory but Erwin's crazy fucking plan had worked! There's a lesson there somewhere, brats, Levi thought. Maybe it's… never give up? Or: there has to come a day good things happen to you.
Then the world shifted. Apparently, the red-headed screamer named Floch had survived the carnage - as the only one. And he was dragging along a mortally wounded Erwin on his back.
"He's still alive," Levi murmured as if saying it made it more… real. What kind of grand cosmic joke was this? Erwin, are you still dreaming? You'd laugh at this if you still could. You led everyone to their graves and yet you live?
"I'm giving the injection to Erwin," Levi announced.
… and found himself caught between Eren and Mikasa, both ready to use violence on him.
"Do you idiots have the faintest goddamn clue what you're doing?" he hissed. "You want to leave Erwin, the Commander of the Survey Corps, to die without lifting a finger? We don't have time for this. Get out of my way."
Eren grabbed the metal case with the syringe to rip it from Levi's hand.
"Put away your fucking feelings, Eren," Levi snapped and was promptly lectured on having feelings of his own by a brat who had barely learned how to wield a sword. But yeah… it was true. He had feelings. Too many. Always. Fucking feelings that you could not let guide your actions. That you needed to suppress, suppress to the point you didn't notice them anymore. And sometimes, it just really helped if you hit people. Hitting Eren so hard he blacked out was a special pleasure.
… but he had not counted on Mikasa attacking a senior officer over this, fury disfiguring her normally pretty face and turning it into a beastly grimace. He had… he had no strength left. He couldn't… he couldn't beat her in this mode.
"We have to give the serum to Erwin," Floch screamed. "He still needs to be put through more of this hell. When I saw Captain Levi slaughter all the Titans I realized… the only thing that can destroy the Titans is a demon! And it is my duty to bring that demon back to life! That's the reason why I alone was left alive after this massacre!"
Floch charged… Mikasa swung her blade… what, now they were going to kill each other?
"Stop!" Levi yelled, reaching for Mikasa's arm and…
… then Hanji was suddenly here. Hanji, Jean, Sasha and Connie. It was like a fucking miracle.
"Hanji…," Levi gasped. You're alive too? What have I done to deserve this much luck? Hanji… her head was in bandages, one of her eyes bound. Alive. And... more feelings to suppress. It was getting harder.
"I have people I want to bring back too," Levi heard Hanji tell the struggling Mikasa. "Hundreds of them. People I've known since I joined the Corps. But you know how it is. Nobody ever stays by your side forever. I might be managing, but I still can't fully accept it. It's taking all I have just to keep myself sane. It's painful. It's truly painful. So I understand. But we have to keep moving forward."
Right. Away with feelings. Move forward. He had been entrusted with this syringe because Erwin had known he'd be able to take the right decision under pressure. But trust Eren to bring up the ocean and Armin's dream at this moment. What a soft person with a silly dream Armin had been, Levi thought bitterly as he shook off Eren's hand. A miracle the kid had made it this far. This was no world for nice people.
"All of you - get out of here!" Levi commanded. "I'm going to feed Bertolt to Erwin!"
Dreams. Maybe it was better not to have any, he thought as he dragged Bertolt a bit to the side. What would Erwin do after his dream came true? It wasn't even certain what they'd find in the basement was in the least interesting. Wouldn't it be fitting if it were… well. Pictures of naked women for example.
The ocean! he heard Armin's excited voice in his head. Oh well. There certainly was no ocean in that basement.
Levi positioned the syringe on Erwin's arm and… slap! Erwin almost made him drop it when he raised his hand.
"Sir!" Erwin murmured almost inaudibly soft, "how do you know for sure there's nobody on the other side of the walls?"
Staring at his friend once again confronting his father in the classroom made something click in Levi's head. There was one thing he could do for this best friend - whatever was out there. Oceans. Plants. People who wanted to kill them. The truth? Knowing about the world out there would not end anything. It would only start something new. Someone outside the wall seems to want us all to be eaten by Titans. I suppose the basement might tell us more about who exactly that someone is and then… what else but more violence. What else.
It is time to let you rest, my friend, Levi thought. I told you to die. You were happy about it. I will free you from this hell - this was your last round. Can you rest in peace?
"Erwin, I know I promised you I'd kill the Beast Titan," Levi told his Commander a short while later, Hanji's comforting presence next to him while Armin's pure Titan form devoured Bertolt a few roofs over. "But it looks like that will have to wait."
"He's already dead," Hanji declared softly.
"I see," Levi had to swallow hard. Briefly pressing his eyes shut, he got to his feet, stood up straight and saluted, a trembling fist pressed against his heart: "You have command, Zoë Hange."
Zoë got up too, staggering a little in the process, bringing her own fist to her heart. "I… I have command."
A lone tear slipped from her good eye. Levi watched it slide down her cheek, his heart in his throat. I won't lie to myself. I regret it. I will regret it every second of my life. But tell me, did I do the right thing, Hanji? Can you forgive me?