Chapter Summary: Shaun and Lea think back to when they lost Hubert, and compare that experience with losing their baby.
AN: It's been a very stressful work week with the end of the school year (not for us teachers, though; we'll still be working after the last day) being next week, but I have my family and this fic to look forward to. This is a very significant chapter, because it reflects the pain that Lea (and Shaun) are going to go through, especially with the mention of Hubert.
Shaun and Lea (though, hesitantly) finally announced their second pregnancy to everyone - Dr. Glassman, Debbie, Lea's parents, and their colleagues - at 13 weeks gestation with one simple, monotonous "we're having a baby". While everyone else all expressed joviality and bid their congratulations to the couple, telling them that they definitely deserved this after everything they have been through, Shaun and Lea warned them all not to get too excited or hopeful.
Everyone was already starting to suspect it, though. Because when you work in an environment surrounded by medical professionals (some who have also been pregnant themselves or at least have dealt with a pregnant partner), it isn't easy to fool anyone.
Lea didn't receive the fetal DNA test this time because she and Shaun settled on the fact that they did not want to find out the baby's sex until after it was born. They were afraid of getting their hopes too high and they didn't want to give the baby a name until it was born, fearful of going through the trauma of losing a baby they loved too much all over again.
"We're not getting attached to it," Shaun admitted at the dinner table while he and Lea were having a puke-proof meal with Debbie and Dr. Glassman at their house.
Once she got pregnant for the very first time and developed a heightened sense of smell, she could finally fully understand what Shaun meant by remembering smells, such as rain smelling like ice cream, an old building smelling like burnt food, a parking garage smelling like fabric softener, and coffee smelling like leather. She loved her newly developed smell of sliced Granny Smith apples but hated the strong smell of mint toothpaste. To make things worse, her nausea seemed to be much worse this time. For instance, she couldn't stand the smell of not just mint (again), but also coffee of any flavor.
Poor Lea actually got sick all over Dr. Glassman and Debbie's expensive Persian carpet right in front of them. She immediately broke down crying and kept apologizing profusely and promised she and Shaun would clean it up immediately.
Then, there was five minutes of Dr. Glassman reassuring Lea that it was no big deal and that it wasn't necessary (and running to fetch a towel, baking soda, and cleaner) because she and Shaun were guests as well as Debbie and Shaun trying to calm the pregnant woman down.
"Guys, you should probably try and relax," Dr. Glassman recommended at the dinner table. "If you two keep these attitudes throughout the pregnancy all the way until the baby is born, you're going to miss important moments like feeling them kick or watching them do some very interesting things on the ultrasound. You're both blinking right now."
"I don't care," rebutted Lea, shaking her head and wondering if she should be talking that way to her boss. "We don't want to be disappointed again. We don't want to be too positive. We're going to expect the negative."
Shaun knew how hypocritical Lea was sounding right now, because when they took their very first road trip together, she told him that he was never going to be happy if he constantly lived in fear…and constantly living in fear of something bad happening was exactly what they were doing right now. But he didn't want to experience the heartbreak of losing a baby again, which was exactly why he and Lea were going to be done after this pregnancy no matter what happens.
Aaron and Debbie looked at each other in shock, stunned by Shaun and Lea's pessimism and soft defeatism. The last time they had seen the young couple be excited and enthusiastic was their wedding day.
They had every right to feel the way they were feeling, but letting themselves be surrounded by nothing but negativity for an extended period of time was probably not mentally or even physically healthy for either of them…or their unborn child.
"Then, you'll just make yourselves miserable and unhappy for a very long time," reminded Aaron, looking at them solemnly, although he could totally understand Shaun and Lea's fear.
He didn't want to sound like one of those people who tell expectant parents to get all the sleep they can get now or to enjoy pregnancy while it lasts (especially a very difficult and draining one) as much as they could because they were going to have to kiss fun time goodbye very soon (because how can you sleep when you're physically uncomfortable and also because pregnancy isn't really a walk in the park and also because having a baby doesn't have to technically "ruin" someone's life), but he did regret not being there for many milestones with Maddie (pre and post pregnancy) and he knew that excessive and constant worry wouldn't help no matter what the outcome would be.
He knew how it felt to lose a child, but he wasn't sure if he could really compare it to losing a pregnancy although he didn't agree with the idea of comparing grief. Overall, losing a baby you wanted so badly at any stage of pregnancy can be devastating.
What he needed to do right now was give Shaun and Lea all the help they could get, especially since he believed deep down that it was too soon for them to have another baby. In his experience, it took him years to get over Maddie dying. Taking in Shaun two years after her death and treating him like a son didn't magically make him get over it.
The real truth, though, was that he never got over it, and he never will for the remainder of his life.
Lea and Shaun ate the rest of their dinner with the Glassmans in awkward silence until they went back home. Aaron and Debbie were super excited about their second chance to become grandparents, but Shaun and Lea didn't want to gush over it at all.
While doing the dishes, Shaun glared at the fish bowl on the table behind the couch, watching Albert and Poppy swim around together in harmony. Shaun got Poppy right before the COVID state of emergency; thinking Albert was looking a little lonely, he got him a roommate and new best friend.
Seeing the little platies swim around in their home made Shaun think back to Hubert, the fish they had before getting Albert and then later Poppy. Losing Hubert and gaining Albert seemed to weirdly feel like foreshadowing a devastating moment in Shaun and Lea's lives, which was losing a baby and then trying again.
"Don't worry, Hubert, Daddy just shows his love in a different way," she told the goldfish.
Around the time they got Hubert, Lea had gone through a few hardships back at home. She had returned from Hershey after tanking the small family business and her relationship with her brother, and came back for Shaun's support and to get her life back on track…and then later became roommates and best friends with Shaun.
When Eleanor was conceived, they hadn't been together that long (only recently meeting Lea's parents) and it most likely happened around the time Shaun had that dream about Dr. D'Souza. She was also definitely pregnant around the time of the hospital cyberattack. Sometimes, she wondered if all those energy drinks and the alcohol she had at poker night with Dr. Glassman might have contributed to the complication, although Shaun and Claire reassured her that the complication just happened for no reason and that it wasn't her fault as she had no idea she was pregnant just yet.
Lea immediately fell in love with Hubert, and she was very upset when he died on their first day of having him home. With Eleanor, Lea didn't fall in love with her until she and Shaun decided to continue the pregnancy…and losing her was just as devastating.
When Hubert died, they got a new fish that they named Albert. And when they lost Eleanor, they conceived again most likely around the day they got married.
Although the loss of a pet and the loss of a baby didn't feel the same for either of them (replacing Hubert was faster healing while getting pregnant again wasn't), Lea was still hard on herself and felt a plethora of guilt during those losses. Both times, Shaun had to tell her that she wasn't at fault.
Hubert died of a parasite he already contracted from the pet store prior to bringing him home and the blood clot in Eleanor's umbilical cord prevented her lungs from receiving oxygen and responding to the steroids.
Another difference between the two instances was that at the time Hubert died, Lea had recently been through the wringer.
She has always struggled with insecurity and self-esteem issues, and she always found comfort in Shaun ever since she met him, and he's always found comfort in her as well. Hubert's death wasn't Lea's fault and neither was Eleanor's, but he predicted that Lea was going to be much harder on herself if she lost this baby as well…possibly even worse than last time.
"You didn't kill Hubert. He was defective. We'll try again," reassured Shaun.
The most important thing to know was that Albert and Poppy weren't replacements, and they never even considered them as replacements (and they weren't replacements for their lost baby either). If Albert was a replacement, he probably would have been named Hubert 2.0. And the same thing applied to the baby they lost and the one they were going to have. This baby was not going to be named Eleanor 2.0 or even Elliott.
For instance, Kanish, one man from their support group, admitted that if he ever found love again and had another child, that he wasn't going to name the baby Kamala if he had another girl. He and his deceased girlfriend decided to name their daughter after the first female/Black/South Asian vice president-to-be. He and his girlfriend were excited that their daughter would get to have a role model in the White House that was like her, and they unluckily lost their baby on the exact day of the Capitol riots.
"Losing our little Kamala, especially on one of the worst moments in history, is not a memory that just stays dead and buried like it's no big deal, because it was," he said. "My break-up with Imani and the fact that she died later only makes things worse. When or if I have another child, it won't be another Kamala."
However, no matter what happened to his baby, Shaun at least hoped that he and Lea would get through this and that it wouldn't negatively affect their relationship like it did for Kanish and Imani.
AN: I hope you enjoyed and please review it!