Chapter 4

Smooth criminal walking

"Nothing to see here! Everything's normal!"

The day after becoming a drug lord… Drug mule? Druggie?

… The day after you had drugs in your pocket and then quickly delivered the drugs to somebody else, you were a nervous wreck.

The buns you bought were sweet. Your stomach was full but you viewed everything with suspicion while trying to not be under any. Suspicion that is, since the bone brothers were still terrifying and very much in town.

Still, the gold clinked merrily and you loved to have it. Very carefully, you had separated your payment from the money made from the bunny lady. The gold was then hidden in different places around your shack.

When the time came to meet with Felix, you would be ready to hand the (drug) money over. Hopefully you wouldn't be shanked, like people got during drug deals in those violent movies you sometimes watched. Another hope of yours was that this would be the first and last time you ever had to do this. That it was a one time kinda thing that you would think back on in the ripe old age of 96, surrounded by your numerous beautiful and talented grandchildren. Then you would think, "Ah, I made it!" As in, you didn't get shanked because of a drug deal gone wrong.

The woods were looming. They should be more than able to hide anyone spying on you. Not that you thought Sans would hide behind a tree to catch you doing anything. No, he was more the break in you door kinda guy. Even though you knew this you were still nervous about the trees.

You used to love them! They were great for hiding, foraging and such things. Without them you would never dare take off your pants to piss. Let's be honest here, you were a bit of a mental wreck at the moment. Even when mother nature called, you had to circle your chosen plot several times, like a dog, before easing your nerves enough to go.

This special little toilet plot could be found a few metres from your shack and had lovingly been named the graveyard; Because of the medium sized sticks you'd placed out to warn yourself. The sticks, from a distance, reminded you of little sad tombstones that basically told you, "don't step here!" Your greatest fear about the graveyard was stepping into your own waste. It would be like professing yourself the mediocre comedic failure of a person that you were in real life. You didn't want to get dodo on your only functioning pair of shoes. Especially not while trying to convince yourself that you were still in control of your life, had pride and enough savvy to make it big in the future. No. Thank you, but no.

But enough about your outdoor toilet (don't cry)! You had other matters to attend to. Such as avoiding, without seeming to, skeletons roaming around. For a pair of guys with such a big presence, they should be easy to stay clear of. Sadly, several things had become apparent over the last few hours you had tried.

Number one, both of them patrolled. A lot.

Number two, they always spotted you right away. Papyrus with a sneer and Sans with a smile with way too many teeth.

Number three, you were a paranoid coward convinced somebody would rat you out. Any second ticking by could be your last. What if they just stormed up to you, screeching and raising their fists? They'd come to beat you to death- No, sorry, slap you to death, as is their preferred method of bullshit.

There was no time to worry about all that now!

Some of your (drug) payment pile was taken with you as you went out to get some essentials in Snowdin. Even if you didn't like how you managed to get the cash you still needed it desperately until you could get a job of some sort in this weird place.

You managed to buy some things once you made it to the few shops strewn about town. Actually, you managed to get a lot of things. All of them were a little bigger than you were used to but still functional. You got a pot, mug, plate, more cinnamon bunnies, some utensils and blankets. There were no bags in the shops so you placed everything you could in the huge pot in order to carry it back home. Honestly, you were just thankful the monsters accepted your coins and didn't refuse your patronage because of your race.

You had just turned away from the last shop of the day. It just so happened to contain a certain angry bunny, who you may or may not, have sold drugs to, when Papyrus made himself known.

"You There!" He barked at you from afar. He made his way over quickly, an easy feat with those long legs of his. He was fast enough that your panicked thoughts had less time to escalate into darker, more paranoid territory, and resigned themselves to just remain surprised. It gave you a startled and baffled look. A face that Papyrus was forced to look upon with his no-nonsense sensibility and a growing feeling of indignation. Then again, Papyrus was always feeling some degree of insult or indignation in his daily work life.

"Take This!" He threw a bag down in the snow. It landed with a muted thump and landed on its side. "Don't Bother Thanking Me For My Generosity!"

"Papyris?" You managed to stutter out with wide eyes.

"Papyrus, Human!" He corrected and stopped in front of you with crossed arms. His tattered red scarf billowed behind him when the wind picked up, forcing some of your hair into your still open mouth.

"Pfftwhaa!" You said intelligently.

He rolled his eyes at you. "Stop Eating Your Hair!" You really didn't mean to. "As You Can Smell I Only Used The Best Detergent Considering Your Gross Human Skin Fragility!"

You looked down, still with hair stuck on your tongue. Oh my, these sure looked familiar. In the bag were your old clothes that were left in their bathroom. You were so sure you'd never see them again. Who knew Papyrus was so kind?

"Papyrus!" His cheekbones tinted slightly at your happy tone. The colour went as quickly as it came. Bending down you got the bag and placed it alongside everything else in the pot. "Thank you so much! Oh, and thank you for lending me these clothes and… Uh, releasing me from prison and stuff." Wow, you sounded and felt like an airhead saying that last part. Too late now.

"I Said Don't Thank Me! And You Can Keep The Clothes." He frowned deeper. "They Were Ugly Anyway."

"Oh…" Today was filled with surprises. Maybe Papyrus wasn't such a bad guy?

Papyrus leaned down to meet your eyes once you managed to free your mouth from your own hair. He flicked his pupils from you to your filled pot meaningfully several times before you cracked under the pressure.

Tilting the pot slightly you showed him your prize. "I did some, uh… I did some shopping." He remained quiet while he inspected your wares. Then he extended a long arm to go through them, moving them about and generally being nosy in your opinion. Okay, so maybe he wasn't such a good guy after all.

He took out your newly acquired mug, one with a chip at the top but with delicately painted red and blue flowers on the sides. His frown grew.

"Human." The mug was twisted in his grip. "Where did you get the gold for this?" The ceramic clinked against his sharp finger when he tapped its side.

You almost ratted yourself out right away. It was pure instinct. Past experiences had taught you not to blindly trust those instincts though, because Papyrus looked nothing like your pissed off mother asking you about who drew what on the wallpaper. The captain of the guard still looked plenty scary, though not quite as scary as your mother in a mood.

You managed to stutter out a blatant lie. "I was… Uh, I was doing odd jobs last night. You know, favours?" Right, because all the monsters were just dying to hire you!

If he believed you or not was still up for debate since he looked very disapproving (or was it disappointed?) at your answer. "Really?" He straightened so he no longer loomed over you. He still had your mug in his hand. "What kind of favours?" He narrowed his sockets at you.

"Uh…" It felt like you were back in the shed that first day he questioned you. "The kind that… Get you gold fast?"

Papyrus froze.

Even the mug that he had been idly twirling in his hand looked like it was suspended in time. Then something weird happened. It started from under his scarf and travelled to the top of his head. Even his sharp looking hands coloured into a dark red.

"What?" You asked.

Papyrus' fangs seemed to lengthen. They didn't get thin like needles, like Sans' did. Instead they seemed to grow longer and thicker. His eyes were nothing short of terrifying in their fury. "What Did You Say?"

You jumped at his tone. "S-sorry!" You squeaked out, now with a newfound understanding towards Alphys and her stuttering around Papyrus.

His breathing grew heavier though you could see how he tried to control himself. He made his shoulders untense with pure willpower and unclenched the hand not holding the mug.

"Human…" He said through gritted fangs. Delicately placing the mug back into the pot with surprising grace he nearly hissed at you, "I Need To Consult With My Co-worker." The mug made a dull click against the rim of the pot when it slid down. "Go Straight Home." He told you with a glare.

"Did I do something wrong?"

His fangs went back to their regular appearance, the red receded until his bones were back to being a pearly white. "We Shall See." He said ominously.

Still he let you be on your way, so that counts as a victory, right?

He seemed busy. As soon as he was done with you he got on his phone, seemingly barking orders at some poor schmuck. If anyone needed a relaxing spa day, it was that guy. Or a course in mindfulness, where he was not allowed to think about work. Though maybe that would straight up kill him. He didn't even turn to see if you followed his orders to go home! Which you still did, but you took your sweet time doing it. You needed a nice long walk anyway to clear your head. Both your arms and legs were tired, but the cold air felt refreshing.

You'd seen both Papyrus and Sans today. They were doing their job by patrolling and harrassing you. It wasn't helping your nerves at all. Especially not after the intense meeting you just had! Were they setting up an ambush to put a stop to your drug dealing ways? Maybe that was what that thing had been about?

Oh, god, you were a dirty criminal! A criminal doing crimes! And they were on to you!

It happened yesterday but it felt like your whole existence down here consisted of you doing either time in a shoddy shed, or committing felonies. You felt like you were on the run from the law, minus the robbed bank or the loyal horse riding into the sunset. Preferably with you on it, the horse that is, not the sunset.

It would only be a matter of time before the brothers got wise to your ways, realized their mistake and finally, "took care", of you- If they hadn't wisened up already. Technically speaking you were barely let loose for 24 hours before selling drugs in the local community...

Oh, gosh. You can just feel the acid in your throat. You were too young for heartburn or whatever this was. Maybe it was because of the exorcise? Your calves had started to burn slightly by now. You were so out of shape! Time to descend into the fiery pit of depression and unhealthy paranoia with a side dish of bad eating habits.

Look at you. You even started stress eating one of the cinnamon bunnies on your way home despite the acid in your throat!

But that bullshit was quickly the last thing on your mind as your greatest horror scenario came true. Cinnamon bunny stuffed in your mouth making you look like a startled hamster, a grumpy looking Sans faced you near the end of the woods you'd skipped along.

Was this the ambush you'd been waiting for all day?

"ya look stupid." Were the charming words he said to you on this beautiful day of ever growing paranoia and distress. Well, one of the charmingly hurtful things he had said to you whenever he saw you walking around while looking suspicious today.

"Buaahm…!" You tried to say, startled, little pieces of bun flying from your mouth. Why you were startled by this point was even a mystery to yourself. You knew the brothers had a way of knowing when you were up and about. You just didn't know how they knew.

"what's in yer mouth?"

"Bnoootheen…!" You chewed faster. Unbeknownst to you, this was the most disgusting thing Sans had seen all day.

"what are ya eating? i know you ain't got no fridge!" Was it just you or did Sans sometimes have an accent?

You swallowed pieces of the bun, "Bunny." You simply said and continued to chew frantically, looking shifty and nervous.

Sans weird red dot pupils shifted from your bulging cheeks to the little bits of food on the ground. He had a worrisome look about him. "is that bread?" He asked slowly.

You nodded.

"huh." He looked thoughtful. "did ya steal it?"

You swallowed, a challenge considering you seemed to have a heavy rock of anxiety and bile rising in your throat. Sudden flashes of being bitch slapped played in your mind, intermingled with leashes and a distinct lack of showers.

"No!" You wiped crumbs from your face. "I bought them! I didn't break any laws!" None of the laws! None of them! Maybe just a tiny one about the no-no on drugs things, but other than that you hadn't done anything. "Ask your brother! He saw me not doing any crimes!" Shut up, shut up, shut up!

"uh-huh."

Go you. He looked super impressed and convinced.

"Look." You said tiredly. "I'm still stressed and freaked out-" Sans grin rose higher. "... And you're kind of intimidating, okay?!" A faint line of red appeared on Sans cheeks. You didn't notice.

"But I'm just trying to live here, okay?" God, should you ask, 'okay', again? Stop talking!

"whatever", he spat dismissively. "seeing as you're as pathetic as ever", his red dots swept over you, "don't know if it's worth the energi."

"Yeah, you should just… Go do other things! And I'll go and do my things! Okay?" Dammit, you said ,'okay', again!

"this fucking job..." He shifted his stance, looking sideways for a beat and exhaling with an uncomfortable air. "what a fucking drag." He didn't say anything after that but wore a slightly pinched expression. Small drops of sweat started beading on his skull. Now it was Sans turn to look shifty and suspicious.

You stayed where you were even though Sans didn't do anything else, unsure if you were done with each other or not. But Sans was acting odd and you were unsure if you were allowed to leave. It felt like he was building up to something.

"hey." He broke the strange silence. "tell me a joke." He said that, but his body was tense. He looked more ready for a fight than a laugh.

Your brain flatlined. You couldn't think of one on the spot in the best of times and now you were under pressure.

"I don't know any jokes."

"everybody knows jokes. just give me a lame one. even a worthless shit like ya know 'em." He straightened his back and put his hands deeper into his pockets, looking cosy in the cold.

Wracking your brain for a lame joke and ignoring his insult, you finally got it.

"Uh, why did the little berry cry?"

Sans turned to face you fully. "why?"

"Because her mama was in a jam."

Sans laughed loud and clear. That loud, booming, wet sounding laugh that made you back away a small step. He bent over slapping his knee. You watched him with an open mouth. You really weren't that funny.

"oh, wait." he managed to calm down to little chuckles. "i've got one." Sans straightened up, eyes bright. "little sally kept on coming home with a pocket full of gold."

Suddenly you had a bad feeling about this joke. Your pocket with your remaining coins felt heavy.

"then one day, her hot mama asked her, 'little sally, where do ya get all this gold?' little sally said that the little boys paid her to climb trees. 'oh, baby', said hot little mama. 'ya know that them boys just want to look at yer panties!'"

The bad feeling regarding this joke intensified.

"little sally laughed and said, 'i know that mama, i'm not dumb! that's why I always take 'em off first!'" He dangled your sad panties delicately with sharp looking fingertips.

Oh.

My.

God!

Your whole face erupted like a fuckin vulcano at doomsday. Those stupid things! How you had stupidly and impulsively washed them at the bone brothers place and left them there! And now Sans was here, and he was holding them, and and… Oh, my gosh! Why weren't they in the bag Papyrus gave you? Did Sans take them after your shower?!

Sans looked cool and collected during your meltdown. Almost serene while you were turning into a human flavoured puddle of humiliation.

"what's the matter, buddy? cat got your tongue?" His voice changed midway, from calm to harsh in a second. You had an epifani regarding Sans observation skills. It was highly unwelcomed.

He knew about Felix!

"ya really are stupid, aren't ya? did ya think i wouldn't notice ya walking into an alley with fucking burgerpants of all people, and then come out with gold?"

You had another, different from the other, epifani. You didn't like it. Also, Burgerpants? Was that what BP stood for?

"It's not what it looks like!"

Sans didn't like that answer. He strode over to you, stopping just a breath away. "save it! heads up, dolly! prostitution is fucking toeing the line of the contract."

He balled up your underwear in his fist and threw them at your face, making you scrunch it up from surprise. "keep 'em on, buddy. or we're going to have a fucking problem, capiche?" He practically growled it out. The panties landed in the snow. A sad testament to how low you had sunk in this world.

"I was just taking them off to wash them!" You defended yourself. "I hung them up to dry and then… Stuff happened and I forgot!" Balancing your newly bought things, you managed to kneel down in the snow and get your beloved panties back. Stuffing them into the pot and wobbily standing up again, you didn't care about hiding them. What you cared about was getting home in one piece.

"sure, buddy. too bad you didn't take them back. guessing ya thought ya didn't need them." He gestured angrily to where they lay in the pot.

"I'm not a prostitute!"

It felt like your body was on fire, you felt ashamed but also angry about this whole situation. "I just… Uh, I just do favours around town!" You almost blabbed about the drugs again, too distracted to notice how Sans' face twisted. Shit, what was worse? Getting killed for one crime or the other? Wait, why isn't Sans going after Felix for buying sex from destitute humans? Or is it more okay to buy than to sell? Or was it- Wait!

… Is Felix already dead?!

"ya dumb bitch! yer out fer one day and this is how ya repay me? repay paps?" Sans nearly let spittle fleck your face. "do ya have any… any idea how this looks?"

Okay, you were starting to feel scared now. "I swear, I'm not doing that kinda stuff! I'm sorry, I'm really not!"

"right, and that's why i get a call from my little bro about ya running around town. ya even admitted it to him!"

"This is just a misunderstanding! I saw him, yes, but it wasn't like that! I just told him what I told you. That I was doing favours…!"

"favours, whatever you call them, they gotta stop. i'm being lenient here, human. seeing as you're at the fucking bottom of the food chain. i get it. you look exotic, it's easy money… if it was just me, i wouldn't give two shits about it. but my brother, papyrus, he's a rule loving fanatic."

The grip on the pot tightened, your knuckles turned white and bloodless. The cold wasn't the only reason you were shaking. You knew that meeting was gonna bite you in the ass. You knew that, you just didn't think it would be in this way.

"so here's what yer gonna do." Sans stepped closer. "yer gonna go about yer lawful business, stay away from alleys and alleycats…" He stopped in front of you. "and me and my bro aren't gonna have to take care of any extra paperwork because we had to execute yer sorry ass, got it?"

You looked up at this giant skeleton. This massive prick. This bully. You gritted your teeth, trying to rein in errant thoughts, explanations or anything else that might incriminate you further or make him mad. In the end you nodded, tight lipped and determined to be more careful.

"good girl." Sans patted your cheek condescendingly and left you with your overstuffed pot in the woods.

Your heart filled with resentment.

The paranoia lessened the next day when nobody busted down your door and dragged you away in chains, but the anger didn't. So far, everything was unfair. Any feeling of control kept slipping from your fingers like sand in the desert during a storm. It wasn't hopeless, but how were you supposed to be happy down here? You had never felt more alone.

Filling the pot with snow in front of your shack that early morning, you built a fire. After many trials and errors, you managed it with flint. A makeshift stand for your pot was next on the agenda, made from sturdy branches and rope from the shack. Getting the snow to melt and finally boil took forever. You watched it periodically while doing other chores in your small home.

First on the list was cleaning it out of the spider webs and that weird pile of dust by the window. You were unsure how to go about it since you didn't have a broom. In the end you took one of your bigger rags. Placing it flat on the floor by the pile of dust, you shoved it unto the fabric. Then you pulled the corners very carefully and carried it out. Walking into the woods you dumped it in the snow far from the shack. It made the snow gray. Mixing it up made it worse by making everything look dirty. You don't know why you stood there so long or why you felt so sad looking at it.

Great, now you're even more bummed out! The impulse to cheer yourself up came like a flash. Who were you to deny it? Just shy of a smile, you took some of the gray slush and looked at another spot of pure white. It was perfect!

Kneeling down you wrote, "Human territory!", with the gray snow, then added a heart and a smiley. Looking it over, it was definitely missing something. After a moment of thought you gave the smiley a pair of angry eyebrows.

There! It was perfect.

You backed off to look over your creation. Such class! Such spendor! And the smiley really did cheer you up. Maybe it could cheer up somebody else having a bad day, too!

Even if Sans said you were a prostitute, who cares? It was the oldest profession of humanity! So what if you only had one pair of panties that Sans and probably his brother had both seen? This place was your home now, you were still alive and it could only get better!

Right?

Something snapped. The sound of a thick dry branch breaking made you almost snap your own neck with the speed you came to attention. There beyond the trees stood a monster with a very stylish hat. You couldn't tear your eyes away from it. The hat was very distracting, but the way the monster regarded you and the dusty snow around you gave you enough of a clue that something was wrong. Traces of the gray snow on your hands and your little message in the snow made the monster angry. You didn't know why it made it angry, but a sharp pain in your heart made you swallow involuntarily to mask a whining sound almost escaping your throat.

You felt like a child caught doing a no-no.

The monster started vibrating and swaying. You knew what this meant. Sure enough a bullet attack sprung forth heading straight for you. As usual the little white bullets bounced harmlessly on your barrier that shimmered faintly when struck. Another barrage of attacks came forth with the same result.

This always felt awkward for you. You were never hurt, so being angry felt off, at the same time it was such a bother. "Hey!" You called. "Stop attacking!" You did the first thing your impulsive brain told you to. You started attacking.

You were a hypocrite.

You started packing snow into little tight balls. The monster, you think it was called an Ice Cap, seemed to panic. Once the perfect snowball with specks of gray was formed, you aimed and let loose your snowy fury on the poor bastard. Little did he know you always annihilated everyone during snowball fights.

"AAARGH! My hat!" The monster cried, frantically bouncing in place trying to displace the snow from its splendid headpiece.

"Get bent!" You screamed while throwing another. "I'll wreck you!" You shrieked.

The monster moved erratically back and forth. You managed to nail the hat, spot on, with a loud smacking sound. It fell pathetically down to the dirty ground, more crooked than the modern justice system, and utterly wrecked. The monster wailed as it fell. You had a moment of guilt when it looked as if it was about to cry about it, but you steeled yourself.

"I'm not in the mood!" You yelled. Packing more snow and forming it into a ball you raised it threateningly in the air, "Get out of here!"

The monster got its hat from the ground and ran away from you. It should have felt like a victory... But honestly?

"Why am I crying?" You dropped the ball. "What is happening? Holy shit, holy shit!" Angrily you wiped your face with a dirty palm. What were you doing? This isn't you!

The smiley on the ground looked mocking all of a sudden. The message you wrote was trash and you were trash. Everything was just pure trash!

"Get a grip!" You told yourself angrily. "Get a fucking grip!" There was nobody there but you. Great, you were talking to yourself in the woods like a crazy person.

Turning back to the shack, while resolutely ignoring the burning in your eyes, you saw the snow in the pot had melted and was boiling. Good, at least something was going right today. You took it off the fire.

Another rag was found and dipped in the still hot water. You wrung it out quickly but regretted all your life decisions when you realized that, holy shit, boiling water was hot! A small hand-dunking in the snow later with a comical chant of, "This isn't painful! Everything's fine", and the wet rag was cool enough for use. Carefully you cleaned your face of any trace of tears, then cleaned your hands and arms. It was pleasantly warm now but the water on your skin grew cold in seconds, making the small hairs on your body stand up.

Taking another big breath and refusing to even think about crying, you managed to wipe down all surfaces in your new home. It was still small and dark, but it was cleaner now. The door hinge was still broken but that was a problem for another day. At least you could close it. And one of the blankets you bought could block the cold seeping from it. You really were gonna be fine.

Just fine!

Unbeknownst to you, a very freaked out monster with a crumbled hat was making a ruckus in Snowdin.

"She wanted my hat!" Cried the Ice Cap to a disinterested bear monster standing by a burnt down christmas tree. "Uh-huh." The bear said while rolling his red eyes.

"She'd just killed someone! Probably to steal something from them, and I just know I was gonna be next!"

"Uh-huh."

A little group of monster kids who had been kicking down trash cans next to a store stopped their ruckus. "What was that?" Monster Kid trotted over with his friends.

"Yeah, did that dirty human kill somebody?" Asked a small drake standing behind Monster Kid.

"Hell yeah, that dirtbag killed somebody!" The freaked out Ice Cap screamed, thrilled to have an audience that listened.

"Yeah, right." Interrupted the bear. "I've seen them around town. That thing can't kill anything. Have you seen how tiny they are? Bitch is more likely to get stepped on than to manage murder."

"I'm not a liar!" The Ice Cap defended vehemently. "They were rolling around in the dust, celebrating their kill! Writing threatening messages!" He screeched, indignant that a human was bold enough to claim such a large territory in the forest.

The children present gasped. "Really?! That's so cool!" Said Monster Kid.

"Cool? Cool?! That human is a fucking psyko and anyone of us could be next! Just… Just look at it" The freaked out one screamed. "Look at what they did to my hat!" The hat looked sad and mortally wounded. There would be no recovery from this. All present looked at the hat. Ice Cap revelled in the attention.

"Nobody cares about your hat!"

"Yeah, what Mr. Bear said!" Echoed one of the kids. "Tell us more about the sick things this human is doing…" Their eyes sparkled excitedly.

"Don't encourage him, brats!"

"Shut up! Anyway, as I was saying about my hat… The human attacked me and I knew it was either them… Or me." Ice Cap dramatically placed the crumbled hat back on his head, making sure to drag the movement out, side-eying the others to see if they were still looking.

"Okay, fine." Said the bear. "What kind of message did they write with the dust?"

And on that day a very nasty rumour spread about your morality and your various crimes that could be likened to breaking everything about the Geneva convention.

An infamous star was born in the Underground. The consequence of this couldn't wait to be reaped in the future.