2.07
"Look, you guys can still get freaky. Don't mind me, all right? I won't make it weird. Look at these bad boys. Instant privacy," Gabe said, blasting country music through his headphones.
Strike 2 and I haven't even been here an hour, Liza thought, arranging her things in the now overcrowded tent. But the only way to go is up, right?
It only took until nightfall for things to really get worse.
Someone had started a bonfire, with groups of festival-goers gathered round, drinking, singing, and smoking. Liza sat with Josh on a wooden bench, sipping a tea of questionable origins while he drank some kind of moonshine.
"I think you could strip a wart off a mule with that stuff,' she joked, the strong smell of alcohol burning inside her nostrils.
Josh laughed. "Ok, mom. I'll try to be careful."
Liza let out a half-hearted chuckle. She knew her maternal instincts took over at times, but it felt prickly coming from Josh now that he knew the truth.
Josh's eyes suddenly widened, round as dinner plates. "Whoa. You are a mom. Like for real. Not just, like, a 'mom-friend' but a real mom. I mean...I have a mom. Do you think she does wild stuff like this? Can moms do stuff like this?"
He stopped talking but became incredibly pensive, mulling over his sudden revelation.
The prickly feeling increased, causing Liza to shift slightly away from him.
He's just tipsy, she told herself. We all say weird things when we're inebriated.
They sat in silence, sipping their drinks, while the number of guitars and singers around the bonfire increased.
Without warning, Josh whipped around to face her, his eyes wide and glassy. "Whoa," he said again.
He didn't elaborate; he just stared at her for an uncomfortably long time.
"Liza," he said quietly.
"Yes?"
"Liiiiizaaaa," he repeated, drawing out the vowels.
"Joshhh?"
"Liiiiiii...zaaa. Liiiiizzzzzz...aaa. Liiiiiesss...a."
Ok he's drunk, Liza thought, unsure of where this was going.
"Don't you see?" he asked, a sense of urgency in his voice. "Your name. Liza. LIES-A. LIES."
Oh. That's where it was going.
Liza felt her cheeks warm. "Haha, good one." She gave him a fake smile and patted his leg.
Josh ran his fingers through his hair. "I mean, it's so clear now. The universe was, like, trying to spell it out for me all along, but I kept missing it."
"Missing what?"
"The lies, Liza. It was right in front of me and I didn't see it. You had to spell it out for me. God, I'm an idiot."
Liza grabbed his free hand and squeezed it reassuringly. "Hey, you're not an idiot. I worked really hard to build up this persona and make it believable."
"And I believed all of it," Josh replied bitterly, pulling away from her. "How can I believe anything you say?"
"I'm still me. Everything about the person I've showed you is truly who I am. The only thing that's different is my age. I thought we already talked about this?"
"So I'm not allowed to be upset that you've been lying to me? I just have to act like it didn't happen and never think about it again? Well, I'm not you Liza, I can't pretend like that."
"Josh, you're drunk," Liza told him, trying not to let the hurt show on her face. "Let's talk about this another time when we're both sober. And not freezing out in the middle of nowhere."
"See? I knew you weren't game for this whole weekend. I didn't really even want you here because I knew a 40-year-old couldn't handle it."
Liza shook her head, her throat and eyes burning. "Josh, stop it."
"Just another lie. I shouldn't be surprised."
Liza snapped, but managed to rein in the depth and breadth of her emotions. "That's enough, okay? I've apologized a thousand times in a thousand different ways. I told you the truth because I thought we loved each other, and I didn't want to lie to someone I loved. I've always been as honest as possible with you even before you knew the truth, and since then it's been the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me god."
Josh had turned away from her and was glaring at the grass in front of him. When he didn't respond, Liza continued, "So you're still really upset with me for lying, but you have been lying about that. You're allowed to be mad and confused, Josh, but we have got to be honest with each other. I can't ease your worries if you don't tell me about them."
Josh snorted. "Oh yeah, now you want total honesty. How about you give me a couple months to start being completely truthful? I think it's only far."
Liza stood, setting her mug of mystery tea on the bench. "You know what? I can't do this. I came here to support you, but you're right — a 40-year-old can't handle it. I'm not a festival girl. That's just not who I am, but I wanted to show you how much you mean to me; how glad I am we had moved past my lie. But clearly you're not over it, and I can't live like this.
"I can't walk on eggshells and wonder if you're going to throw this in my face every time we argue. I can't tiptoe around your feelings constantly when it comes to the reality of who I am. I thought we could make this work, but it's just not worth it if you're going to hold this over me for the rest of our relationship.
"What are you saying?" Josh sat up a little straighter, finally making eye contact with her.
"We're done. I'm breaking up with you. I hope one day we can be friends because I do care about you. But I can't be in a relationship where I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop."
"And I don't think I can be in a relationship with someone I can't trust," Josh replied, taking a big swig of his moonshine when he finished.
It hurt. Despite knowing he was drunk and angry and lashing out, it hurt Liza to hear him say she was untrustworthy. But it also reassured Liza that she was making the right decision.
Yes, she had lied about her age. Yes, Josh had the right to be upset. But he didn't have the right to make her a villain when she was doing this for her daughter.
Or at least, she started it for her daughter. Now that Liza was back and thriving in the world of publishing, she was doing the work for herself. She finally felt like Liza again. Not David's wife or Caitlin's mom. Just Liza. And while she would continue to do anything for Caitlin, she was grateful this mess had allowed her to find herself again.
But Josh's harsh words burned. As she made her way to the exit, Liza let the tears flow. She realized she didn't quite feel heartbroken, but just a little bruised. Meeting Josh and doing life with him had been an integral part of her self-rediscovery, and she would always love him for it.
But was she really in lovewith him?
Sloshing toward their tent to gather her things, the hard truth hit her even harder than his words.
Josh was fun and exciting and electric. They had amazing sex and he made her feel like she was 26. He brought out her impulsive side. All good things.
Except that was where it ended.
They didn't have much in common. While Josh was smart and a brilliant artist, he wasn't a reader. And though there was no judgment from Liza about that, literature was a huge part of who she was. It was her job. It was a hobby. It helped shape her and her ideas. So much of who she was had been the result of books. Part of the reason she loved her job so much was that she got to talk with so many different people about books all the time.
Josh didn't have kids, which was understandable since he was still very young, but he wouldn't ever really be able to understand her or her reason for lying until he did. Being a mom was a big part of her identity, and until recently it had been one of the only parts of her identity for the last 19 years. It wasn't his fault, but it was the truth.
The bottom line, though, was that they wanted different things. Josh would want to have kids someday — and he would be a wonderful father — but Liza wasn't interested in having or raising a baby. Plus, at her age, there were a lot of big health risks that came with it.
Josh wanted to be a free spirit, and even though that was one of the things Liza loved about him, she couldn't be a free spirit 100% of the time. She liked things being settled and secure. She liked making plans in advance. She liked being available if Caitlin or Maggie or, god forbid, David needed her. She liked curling up with a glass of wine and a book on weekends.
Liza mulled over all these things while she gathered her things from the tent. Now that she was leaving, she was extremely grateful she wouldn't be sleeping on wet earth tonight.
But where would she be sleeping?
It was too late and she was too tired to drive back home. Was there a hotel nearby? Even a motel would suffice for a couple of hours of sleep.
She pulled out her phone to find lodging just as a text came in.
Sorry to bother you so late on the weekend. I know you're out of town, so I promise to make it quick. Can I give you a call about this By the Book interview?
Charles. She hit call almost as soon as she finished reading the message.
"Hello?" Charles answered, his voice somehow deeper on the phone.
"Hey, Charles. It's Liza. I got your message. It's no bother at all."
"Thank you. I'm sorry again for nosing in on your getaway, but I just needed some help with these questions. And since you're Empirical's resident By the Book expert, you seemed like the right person to ask."
Liza laughed, which felt strange after the night's events. "Happy to help. What questions do you need help with?"
The two of them discussed his dilemma and came up with solutions. They continued chatting while Liza walked to her car.
Funny, Liza thought as she pulled out her keys. I didn't think there was a chance in hell I'd enjoy myself tonight.
"Thank you for your help, Liza. I'll let you get back to your weekend."
Liza scoffed. "Not much of a weekend to get back to, I'm afraid."
"Oh? Is everything alright?"
Liza sighed. She shouldn't really burden him with the details of this evening, but god, she could use a real adult to talk to.
"I'm actually sitting in my car right now," she admitted, thrumming her hands on the steering wheel. "Josh and I broke up."
"Oh, I'm sorry, Liza. Breakups are already difficult enough without the added trip factor. You're not sleeping in your car, are you?"
"No, I'm not. I was in the process of looking up other accommodations when I got your message. So that's probably what I'll be doing after we hang up."
"Now that you mention it...I promise what I'm about to say is purely coincidental, but I'm at a B&B near Cooperstown. I like to come here when I need to get away from work and get out of my own head. I hope this doesn't come across as impertinent, but I could get you a room if you like?"
Liza let out a sigh of relief. "That would be...amazing. Thank you, Charles. Really, you're saving me a huge headache. And also saving my ass."
Did I really just say that? Liza was surprised at her boldness, but was too worn out to care.
Charles chuckled and responded without thinking, "Infinitely worth saving."
Did I really just say that? Charles couldn't believe he had let that slip out, but he couldn't take it back and he was past caring.
Luckily for him, Liza laughed loudly. "Oh my god, thank you for that. I needed a good laugh tonight."
"Glad to help. Do you want me to text you the address?"
"Yes, please. That would be great."
"Just sent it. Let me know when you arrive and I'll meet you at the front desk."
"Will do. Hey, do you know what 'dropping a pin' means?"
"Um...I'm only thinking about Bic unless it's some kind of euphemism?"
Liza laughed again. "Don't worry about it. I'll see you soon."
—-
Liza and Charles talked well into the night. Liza avoided it as long as she could, but she knew it was time to come clean. After dealing with Josh's backlash, she wanted to be competent honest with the people she cared about.
"Do you remember when you asked me if I was really 26?"
"After you babysat the girls? Why do you ask?"
"I'm...not. I'm not 26. I'm 40, a mom, and in the middle of a divorce. I lied about my age because no one would hire me, and my daughter's tuition was due."
Charles looked as shocked as could be expected.
"I'm so sorry for lying. But it wasn't malicious or meant to hurt anyone. I just wanted to help my kid and get back into publishing," Liza said in a pleading voice.
Charles remained quiet and was oddly still.
"Please say...something. Anything. Yell at me or call me a liar it will make you feel better.."
Charles finally moved and gave her a quizzical look "Yell at you? Why? You told a lie but that doesn't make you a liar. Am I shocked? Absolutely. Am I upset? I think maybe off-kilter is a better way to describe how I feel. But I'm definitely not angry. How could I be? You did this for your daughter. I hope I would do the same if it came down to it."
Liza nearly cried with relief. "Really? Are you sure?"
Charles nodded. "Yes, of course. It's definitely not something I expected to hear in my life, but I can understand it. It may take some time for me to fully wrap my head around it, but I'm not mad. If anything, I'm relieved."
Liza quirked an eyebrow at him. "Relieved?"
His cheeks turned slightly pink and he gave her a shy smile. "Yes. I'm relieved because that means I am not the cliche creepy boss who has a crush on the young assistant."
Now it was Liza's turn to blush. "Oh."
"I don't know what I'm saying. It's been a long day and my filter seems to have disappeared. I apologize if I'm making you uncomfortable. I don't want to make things awkward between us. I truly value you as a member of the Empirical team and don't want to lose you because of something I did."
"Charles," Liza said, reaching over and placing her hand on top of his, a jolt of electricity hitting her like a lightning bolt. "It's okay. In fact..."
Liza leaned closer to him, their faces only inches apart. "I actually had a dream about this," she whispered.
Charles swallowed thickly. "Liza..."
"I know I just got out of a relationship, but...it was overdue."
"Are you sure? We can't go back to how we were after this."
Liza grinned. "I hope not." And she kissed him.
It was the best kiss she'd ever had.
That is, until the next one.
And the next one.
And the next one.
And th