The Planet of Misfit Machines

(or, The Forever's Day Christmas Special)

"A Christmas party," I muttered, confused. "The Supreme Commander doesn't seem like the festive type."

"He's not invited," Tinselina said, with a mischievous smile. "This is only a small get-together. Just us, and a few friends from base camp. It'll be fun, Viking!"

"If you say so."

"Don't be such a grouch, it's Christmas! Besides, these appliances aren't like the rest of the Wonderluxe. They don't really fit in with the crowd. I hate the thought of them all alone for the holiday."

It was the actual holiday this time, unlike our makeshift Christmases of years past, whose dates were reckoned by pure guesswork. The Wonderluxe had working clocks that kept both Earth and Mars time. I'd met them, and they were self-important pricks. But I digress.

Truthfully, I didn't like the idea of anyone stuck by themselves any more than Tinselina did. I knew damn well how it felt, and what it did to a machine's mind. "I can't argue with that. When are they coming?"

"I think I see them now!"

Our guests rolled and shuffled and hopped over to us from base camp. The first was a larger-than-average military toaster, who introduced himself as Alfie. Looking at him, I couldn't figure out how on this crummy red rock he was a misfit in the Wonderluxe army.

"Thanks for the invite," Alfie said. "It's nice to get away from the warmongers for a little while. Man, I wish the boss would give peace a chance! Especially today."

A pacifist. That explained it.

"Marlene," said a microwave, offering me her plug to shake.

A canister vacuum wheeled awkwardly over. "I'm Billie."

Next came a mixer. "My name is Spinner," he said. "Nice to meet you."

Then, a refrigerator came up to greet us. He had a light blue bottom door and a pink freezer door. Factory mishap? "I'm Lawrence, but you can call me Larry," he laughed. "And this is Peg." He pointed to the small desk fan sitting on his "head."

"Howdy," chirped Peg.

"Glad you all made it!" Tinselina said, so cheerful and warm that I almost forgot where we were. She had a knack for that, and I loved her for it. "Now to start things off, why don't we do some decorating?"

"I'm way ahead of you," Marlene said, opening her door. Billie removed a long rope of something frizzy and metallic, along with a few metal balls on hooks. One of the appliances had hoarded bits of wire and scrap metal to make tinsel and ornaments. It was rather sweet, even I had to admit.

There was only one problem. "Where are we going to hang those?" I asked.

Marlene looked at Tinselina, and then both of them looked at me.

Damn it.

A few moments later, I was all done up. Saint Nick himself would have applauded Tinselina and Marlene's work.

Tinselina gave the "Pick me up" signal. I lifted her to my eye level.

"Thank you," she whispered, and kissed me on the cheek before I set her back on the ground. If it made Tinselina happy, I supposed I could put up with it for a little while. Even if the tinsel scratched my panels.

Spinner sat a short distance away from us, fiddling with something I couldn't see. Marlene, Billie, and Peg watched him. "It's done!" the mixer shouted, triumphant. "Everyone, come and look, but please be careful."

Tinselina hurried over. I followed, setting my feet down gingerly so that no tremors upset Spinner's creation. He'd made a mosaic out of different bits of rock in varying sizes and colors. I smiled when I saw it - a Christmas tree surrounded by piles of presents and crowned with a beautiful angel.

"Nice work," I told Spinner. "You have quite an eye for detail."

"Thanks," he said. "Good to know some folks appreciate my work. I sorted more supplies, if you all want to make your own pictures." He gestured toward some small mounds of rocks.

We took him up on his offer. Tinselina and I worked together on a crude portrait of ourselves, showing her standing next to my right eye. Alfie's mosaic was of a stick-figure human and a toaster shaking hands. Er, the human shaking the toaster's plug. I gave him credit for his optimism, if not his artistic ability. Peg and Larry made a couple of snowflakes with intricate geometric patterns, while Billie and Marlene designed a snowman and a reindeer, respectively.

While the others worked, Spinner picked through the Martian soil, sorting more rocks into piles.

I said, "You like doing that, huh?"

"I do," he replied. "I know I'm odd - a mixer who separates things! - but I choose to embrace it. That's not always easy, though."

"Try being a fridge with mismatched enamel," Larry said.

"Or a vacuum with square wheels," added Billie.

Peg laughed. "What about a fan that blows hot air?"

"Or a microwave that freezes things!" Marlene interjected.

"We're all misfits," Alfie confirmed.

"So are we," said Tinselina. "I'm a Christmas angel who has never seen a tree, and Viking is a lander that walks."

The group burst into laughter.

A lander that walks, I thought, and joined in with them. What can you laugh at, if not yourself?

Maybe this party wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Larry finished his rendition of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" and bowed as best he could. After a brief round of applause, Peg took to the stage and sang "Santa Baby." Larry whistled.

(Tinselina and I exchanged knowing looks. Those two might have a tough time fitting in with the other Wonderluxe, but at least they had each other.)

"Who's next?" Billie asked.

Marlene said, "I think those two-" she pointed to myself and Tinselina "-should sing a duet."

"I'm not much of a singer," I protested, "so I don't know if-"

"Duet! Duet! Duet!" Marlene chanted. Soon the others had taken it up as well.

"Come on, Viking," Tinselina said. She batted her eyes at me.

My will is no match for those blue eyes. "Alright. But I get to pick the song. Let's do 'I'll Be Home for Christmas.'"

"Perfect. Why don't you start us off?"

Oh, what the hell? I thought. We're among friends.

I began, "I'll be home for Christmas."

"You can plan on me," Tinselina continued.

We sang the next line together, in harmony: "Please have snow and mistletoe and presents on the tree."

The misfit machines listened in perfect silence as we sang. Billie teared up a little, and Marlene wrapped her cord around the vacuum.

"We'll be home for Christmas, if only in our dreams," we finished, tweaking the lyric. It was fitting, considering how far from home we were.

"Bravo!" cried Alfie. The group gave us a standing ovation.

While the others were busy clapping, Peg opened Larry's door and retrieved what looked like a fishing pole from his shelfless interior. The object on the end of the wire wasn't a hook, but two leaf-shaped pieces of metal held loosely together with a pair of bolts.

"Peg brought out the mistletoe!" Marlene said with an impish grin. "You know what that means!"

The microwave had hardly finished speaking when Peg hopped over and held the mistletoe so that it hung right over my eyes.

The appliances gazed expectantly at Tinselina and I.

"Better not keep them waiting," I said, smiling.

Tinselina nodded. I picked her up. We kissed, and our friends cheered.

"And then the colonel yelled, 'Why weren't you at Toaster Practice?'" Alfie gave his commanding officer a cartoonishly belligerent tone of voice as he told the story. "So I said, 'I don't toast rye for the war machine, man.' I got assigned to cleaning duty for that, but it was totally worth it."

The sun had begun to sink below the horizon, casting blue light over our merry band, and the party was winding down. Once Alfie had finished his story and we'd all stopped laughing, our guests prepared to leave.

Marlene gave Tinselina a hug. "This was just lovely. Thank you so much," the microwave said. She turned to me. "It was a pleasure to meet you, Viking."

"Likewise," I said, shaking her plug.

She smiled at me. "I'm afraid I need my decorations back. Though I must say, that is a great look on you."

Tinselina laughed so hard she fell over. I helped her up, and then she and Marlene took down the tinsel and the ornaments.

The others bid us goodbye. Spinner left his masterpiece behind, and asked me to watch and see how long it lasted out in the open. I promised I'd keep an eye on it.

Larry and Peg praised our hospitality. Billie said that our party was the most fun she'd had in years. Alfie thanked us for listening to him. I told him that if he ever needed a friend, he knew where to find us.

After they said their goodbyes, the misfit machines headed back to base camp as darkness fell.

In the distance, the base camp's lights shone green and red and gold against the black sky. If you didn't know any better, you'd think it was a regular neighborhood, all decked out for the big day. It was almost pretty.

Tinselina signaled to be picked up. I set her on my back, and she snuggled in her favorite spot beside my eye.

"You're something special, you know that?" I told her.

"Oh, stop!" she said.

"It's true. You made Christmas magic out of Mars dust. I reckon it meant a lot to our friends."

Tinselina laughed. "I couldn't have done it without you, Mister Christmas tree!"

"I'm never going to live that down, am I?"

"No, you are not." She laid down on my back. "Viking?"

"Yes, darling?"

"I hope the Supreme Commander gets coal for Christmas."

"I bet he will."

Tinselina yawned. "Merry Christmas, Viking."

"Merry Christmas, Tinselina. I love you."