This is a very important chapter, so I decided to step up my writing a bit. I'll try and maintain this level of quality into the future. This and MAYBE something after the CS1 post-game will probably be the last chapter for a while, as I need to get started on CS2 next and this chapter is sort of built to lead into Towa's CS2 bonding event (meant to layer it with a bit of sub-text). Hope you're excited for where we go next!
Rean x Towa: The Lost Chapters
A Short Story Series by Novem's Natural Roll
New Bonding Event 6: The Truth Hiding Underneath
Takes Place During: Trails of Cold Steel I – Chapter 6
Second Draft
The autumn chill was sweeping through Trista, but five days before Rean Schwarzer's class was to depart on their next Field Study, that coolness gave way to a window of warmth. The golden and brown leaves of the fall find themselves complimented nicely by the evening light, the few which had fallen from the trees are carroied by the warm breeze to dance across the grounds of Thors Military Academy. Rean takes a moment to appreciate the experience with his eyes and ears before stepping into the Student Union building through its aged set of wooden doors. Once inside, the nervous frown he'd had on his face before is washed through a combination of effort and his appreciation for the beauty of nature. Goal still in mind, he charts the now familiar route through the Cafeteria and up the stairs toward the office of the Student Council President.
The hallway outside stands empty, clubs having long since broken up by the need to return home. Despite the necessary flurry of activity from the preparations for the upcoming Academy Festival probably having made for a chaotic environment even just an hour before, the hallway is now at peace. That calm is in stark contrast to the voices of the Student Council members echoing out of the open door at the end of the hallway, an urgent discussion of plans underway for the construction of the more elaborate attractions which needed to be completed in the short window between end of classes and the beginning of the festival proper.
Rean can tell as he approaches that the meeting has been underway for a while, the tired voices of the council members trying to understand blueprints for an attraction called "Mishy Panic" reaches his ears despite their quiet. Towa's energetic voice stands out even more as a result as it clicks for her and she manages to confidently and quickly explain it in a way that's easy to understand to her otherwise hopelessly confused observers. Her confidence and intelligence cuts right through their torpor, leading them to bob their heads in acknowledgement, something Rean can see from the shadows cast by the golden rays from the office window, onto the floor just beyond the open door.
With that issue dealt with, the meeting quickly comes to an end, and Rean moves aside as the Student Council members beat their hesitant exit… clearly given pause by Towa's bold promise to complete a seemingly impossible task: drawing up plans for the schedule and staff necessary to ensure safety for the relevant class during construction, by herself, by tomorrow. The other members clearly want to help, but her stiff but polite assurances chase them away one by one, looks of guilt but not surprise or lack of confidence written all across their faces. They certainly belief she's capable, but are ashamed to leave it all to her, wanting to live up to Towa's work ethic but clearly stumped by the limits of their energy.
Rean isn't surprised then that when they'd cleared out and he steps inside himself, he is greeted by her already hard at work. President Herschel is bent over her desk, intensely scribbling something with a pencil… tongue sticking out with intense concentration. A concentration so fierce it's blotting out the world around her, causing her to miss Rean's presence completely. A surprise given her usual constant vigilance and awareness for others. It's a surprise the boy takes to heart, clearing away all the doubt he'd had left about what he needed to do. He clears his throat to get her attention.
Towa blinks in acknowledgement of the sudden stimuli. Her hand jerks unconsciously toward her back, as if she's reaching for something... but recognizing who it is, she gets it under control. After a short breath, she smiles and looks up slightly toward him... but avoids meeting his gaze directly. Despite her attempts to disguise it, Rean can see why. Her eyes are webbed by veins of throbbing red. The bags under her eyes are also so intense that even the makeup can't clear them up entirely. She'd probably been doing things like this all day to prevent the other Student Council members from noticing. Uncharacteristically, Towa looks back down to her work, somehow still giving a beaming smile in Rean's direction as she continues.
"Oh, hi Rean! I'd offer you some tea, but I'm really busy… Sorry!" Despite her clear exhaustion, her voice sounds no different from usual. He can see why no one else has been able to tell.
"Maybe you could bring some where we're going then." He says, crossing his arms in an attempt to appear authoritative. It's an awkward and unfamiliar look for him, but he wears it well enough... not that Towa would notice thanks to her insistence on avoiding looking up. Still, she can't help but be confused by Rean's statement.
"Huh?" She cocks her head to the side, temporarily stopping the scratching of her pencil. "I'm sorry, did we have plans that I forgot…? I can't imagine I would have…"
"You didn't forget, but we do have plans. They just didn't exist until I came up with them a few minutes ago, you see."
This confuses her even more. She sets down the pencil and finally looks up at Rean, squinting her eyes a bit to disguise the bloodshot white of her eyes a little. It's subtle enough that most people probably couldn't tell, but Rean could see right through it. He'd seen them wide and green enough times to know what they normally looked like.
"Rean, that doesn't make a lot of sense…"
Rean lets his arms drift to his sides as he smiles at her with closed eyes.
"Of course it does, don't you remember? I owe you a good time for all your help with assisting my class in figuring out what to do for the festival." Rean thumbs the fishing rod hanging from his hip as he assumes a thoughtful pose. "Plus, we were supposed to hang out again anyway, but you never came to me saying you had some free time, so here I am."
"Oh, Rean, I'm so sorry… Things have just been so hectic because of the festival and all…"
"What are you apologizing for? The outing's for your benefit anyways."
"Y-Yeah…" In a rare moment of pause for the Student Council President, she bites her lip. "I'm really sorry Rean, but could we do it another time? I just really have to get this done, the other Student Council Members are counting on me."
"Usually I'd say yes, of course, but Fall's coming in pretty fast… we don't have a lot of warm days like this left, and there's no guarantee we'll find the time on any of those days either. Especially with my Field Study and the Festival coming up. Besides, the Festival is still a ways away and I know those plans don't actually need to be finished until then. The other Student Council Members will definitely forgive a one day delay... so just take a break, okay? It's not going to go anywhere."
Suddenly, she gets unusually defensive.
"But, Rean… I promised."
That's all she says, but he understands the implicit meaning behind the words that she's too polite to say, "you of all people know how important it is for me to live up to the expectations of people who believe in me".
"I understand, but… if it makes you feel better, I'll let you say sorry to me a few more times to make up for it. You could even consider it paying back a debt you owe me!"
"Rean!" Incensed by his teasing, but too nice to get genuinely angry about it, she protests in the same cute way she always does.
"…though I'd really rather you not. Still, I'm not giving up on this."
Rean directs a steady gaze at her and says the last sentence in his firm voice to assure her of his seriousness, she stammers for a moment... then eventually smiles and stands up. The smile's very convincing, it even reaches up to her eyes, but he can see past it easily.
"I never knew you could be this forceful Rean." She giggles.
"It surprises me too. I can't thank my classmates enough for helping me become more confident." He places his hand on his chest to emphasize the point. Her faces wrinkles in all the right places as that makes her genuinely smile.
"Okay Rean, you got me, I'll come along." Rounding the desk to join him, she looks down in her continued attempts to evade his gaze. He pays this no mind and turns around.
"Well, let's get going. We don't have a lot of daylight left to burn."
As he begins walking away, Towa grabs his sleeve to stop him. He turns around a little bit, and she looks up to him and beams confidently.
"Considering we don't have long, maybe it's better to stay on the school grounds? Maybe that fishing spot Kenneth is always using by the garden?"
No, that won't work, if I'm going to get her to open up... it needs to be a private location. Rean thinks to himself. As he sinks into thought, Towa frowns.
"I-I guess the highway would be fine, though…"
As she says that, Rean has a light bulb moment.
"No, don't worry about it, I know just the spot."
Unclipping the fishing rod from his belt, Rean leads Towa out of the Student Union Building and toward the Old Schoolhouse. The trip had gone in silence for the most part, but here he says.
"Whenever I go by the Old Schoolhouse, I always hear the sound of rushing water. I'm pretty sure there's a river nearby, I just have to follow the noise."
"Oh, I know that river! There's actually an easy way to get there through the back of the Engineering Building. That does actually sound like a good spot for fishing."
As they're passing near said building at that exact moment, Rean takes a turn. Unfortunately, they find the door locked and George nowhere to be seen.
"Guess he went home for the day…" Rean says, scratching his head.
"Oh yeah, he said that there was some precise work that was going to take the night, and he wanted to go back home so he could jump in bed right when he was done." Towa says, taking on a thoughtful pose of her own. Suddenly though, she brings her elbows to her chest, also having her own light bulb moment. "But don't worry! I have a few keys back in my office, including one for here! We could just go back and grab it."
Rean considers that for a moment, and then shakes his head.
"No need, we can just climb up the incline to get the river. That'll be faster."
"Rean… I think you're overestimating me just a bit…"
"I can help you, don't worry about it. You won't even get dirty, promise."
"Okay, don't worry, I trust you."
And so, the two walked the rest of the path into the Old Schoolhouse Courtyard. Once there, Rean found the closest point between the ground and the top of the outcropping, bent his legs, and leapt up on top of it in one bound. Turning around, he extends his hand for Towa, who grasps it without hesitation. This angle lets Rean recognize what she'd been reaching for when he startled her earlier. Clipped to the back of her skirt is a small Orbal Pistol. He knew that it was the weapon she used in combat classes, but he'd never actually seen her wearing it, certainly not just while hanging around the campus. The sight shakes his heart a bit, if reaching for the gun was her first response to fear... He shakes it off, that's exactly what this outing is meant to address. Towa's about to wonder what's taking so long, but then he squeezes her hand and gently lifts her from the ground all the way up to the top. She then points toward the river not far away, and he follows her to the river's side. Rean extends the fishing poll and starts baiting it as he speaks. He decides against bringing up the gun for the moment.
"You remember how to use this from last time right?"
"Yep, I just have to wait for the fish to pull and then use the crank to drag it in."
"Do you want to try casting this time?"
"Honestly, I'm a little afraid I'll get something… or someone… with the hook."
"Haha, don't worry, I'll help you."
Placing the fishing rod into her hand, he waits until she assumes the stance and then stands to her right side. Displaying through gestures, he has her practice the casting motion with the hook all the way to the top, to avoid accidents while she practices.
"So you turn your upper body to the left like this, pointing the rod a bit behind you… yep, just like that. Then you quickly turn back the other way and flick the rod toward your target. You'll get more precise aim over time, so don't worry if you accidentally over or undershoot it the first time."
She flicks the rod as instructed, her form is messy. Moreover…
"Rean, why didn't the hook go towards the water? Did I do something wrong?"
"Not really, I just haven't shown you the button you need to press to release it yet. Let's just go through the motions a few times first."
Once her form is to his satisfaction, Rean points out the button on the rod.
"Hold this down, then at the end of your flick, release it. The hook will fly out towards wherever you aim. Try for the middle of the water, or you might hook the ground or a tree by accident. Aim a little higher than you think you need to though, just so we can avoid any accidents."
"Okay… a little scary but… I… got it!" Her form is better now, but despite her seeming to put all her effort into it… the hook doesn't fly far. Luckily it still hits the water just fine. The current of the river is decently relaxed, so it luckily doesn't get dragged away. She smiles broadly in joy at her accomplishment. "Hehe, I did it!"
Rean claps.
"Great job! I knew you could do it!"
"Rean… I know you don't mean it that way, but it kind of feels like you're treating me like a child right now. I am still your senior you know…"
He scratches his head as he grins awkwardly.
"…sorry. Got a little ahead of myself there."
She shakes her head, smile never leaving her face.
"It's okay, I probably shouldn't be so prideful."
"Nothing wrong with being proud of yourself every once and a while Towa, as long as you don't let it go to your head. And I know that you never would. Only one at risk of that here is me, I'm not as amazing as you are."
"Rean…"
She's about to respond to that point when the line suddenly tugs. Panicked, her hand desperately tries to cycle the crank, but this only succeeds in making her hand shake and leading to her panting. Rean narrows his eyes, the fish isn't strong this time, he can tell just how little pressure there is on the line. Even if Towa was as weak as a literal child, this shouldn't be trouble... yet sweat is beading on her forehead none the less. He isn't surprised. In fact, he outright whispers to himself… "I knew it…"
"Here, let me help you!" Rean jumps into the action. It embarrasses her a little bit, but Rean uses his hand over hers to help her crank the line. Even with just a little pressure on his part, the small fish rises out of the river presently. Walking over, he unhooks the flopping fish from the line, identifies it with his eyes (a small carp), and then tosses it back into the water. It should be a proud moment, and Towa is even grinning with glee, but Rean's face remains stoic. With a sigh, he turns around to face his companion. It's time to face the music.
"Towa, not to interrupt… I can see you're having fun and you have no idea how much it hurts me to ruin it for you… but… can we talk? It's important."
"Don't worry Rean, this isn't unexpected."
She's unperturbed by his request, reeling the line all the way in before walking over and handing him the rod. This doesn't surprise Rean, he knew that she'd know something was up from the beginning, but this time he doubted that she actually knew what it was about. She probably thinks she does, but the problem isn't with him this time so there's no way she could possibly read it out of him. After collapsing the rod and clipping it back to his belt, he gestures toward the Old Schoolhouse.
"Can we sit? There's some benches over there by the Old Schoolhouse we can use."
She nods and they proceed back down to the bottom of the slope in the Old Schoolhouse Courtyard, this time he lowers Towa to the ground rather than pulling her up. They both sit down on the bench right next to each other. She looks calmly toward him, a warm and inviting smile as per usual as she patiently awaits some confession she's expecting. Meanwhile, Rean's expression hardens as he looks forward. Towa jumps a bit in her seat after a few seconds of this.
"Oh no… I forgot to bring the tea… Sorry, Rean…"
"That's okay." He says, still not meeting her gaze, especially considering she'd probably just turn hers away with them sitting so close. "Towa… I'm not as good at this as you are, so I'm sorry if this seems a bit blunt. But, there's something wrong, isn't there…?" He closes his eyes. She stammers again, unsure of how to respond. "I could be wrong, I can't read you as well as you do me at all. But… well… I guess I've never been that great at connecting with people."
"Rean…" She looks at the ground. "You…"
"I know you want to reassure me right now, and believe me you have no idea how much I appreciate that… you've done it so many times in the past and it's always helped me. Maybe we don't actually know each other that well, but I've come to know over the course of this year of school that I can always rely on that understanding of yours, and the incredible advice you give me as a result. But this time, it isn't about me. You can't just reassure me to make things better." Rean looks over to her, she tries to avoid his gaze as expected. "I don't know this for sure, but I think the reason you're capable of seeing through me so easily is that we're pretty similar. That's why, before you say anything, I want you to know that while I might not be able to see the things you're not saying… If you lie to me here, I'll know. Not that I blame you or judge you for it, not at all… I'd do the same thing… I have done the same thing. That's part of the reason I'd know."
"Rean, thank you so much for worrying about me, but… I… well, why do you think there's something wrong in the first place?"
The question's familiar to him, he can't help but grin… a little sardonically. It's almost like he's listening to a gender-flipped recording of himself.
"Well, I first caught on when I found you sleeping in the computer room before."
"I'd hoped you'd forget about that…"
"Sorry." He smiles a little bit at her embarrassed reaction, but then refocuses. "Anyway, you've been sleep-deprived basically the entire time I've known you. I'm trained well enough to see through all that make-up you put on to try and cover it up."
"Wait, you saw that the whole time…? That's so embarrassing…"
"Sorry for that too." He chuckles. "Regardless, you've never gone so far with it that you actively fall asleep on the job. Honestly, you're usually so responsible and on-top of things despite that sleep deprivation that it immediately seemed out of character to me. Now I come to check up on you today, and it's gotten even worse. The bags are starting to show through the make-up, your eyes are bloodshot, you really wanted to avoid the highway for some reason, you're carrying your gun around campus when you usually don't and jumping toward it just from being startled, and you can't even muster the strength to turn the handle against a weak fish. I'm guessing that was probably even why you couldn't catch the fish last time! I think I know why it's gotten so bad too…"
Towa doesn't respond despite Rean's offer of time, he sighs and continues as she guiltily looks down. He keeps his gaze focused on her.
"The Student Council may have been tricked by you coming back full force, and I mean… you've always been totally unflappable so that isn't surprising. I was even tricked when you came to thank me. You're so reliable, of course you wouldn't look worse for wear. Plus Angie, George, and Crow have known you for a lot longer than I have and they didn't seem suspicious of it at all. I thought you must be fine. The fact of the matter is though, what happened with the Trade Conference affected you, didn't it? Or maybe this even goes all the way back to Heimdallr? Or before that?"
Rean pauses and looks ahead, he takes a deep breath. He continues.
"Sorry, that was too intense. It sounds like I'm accusing you and I don't mean it that way. Plus, I really don't want to pry, it's probably none of my business. But… you're the one who showed me how important it was to talk with someone. Problem is, if you're anything like me – which I suspect you are – then you're probably worried about being a burden. And I get that. But you showed me something else too, not everyone sees it that way, even when you do. When we have tea and I talk to you, it really doesn't feel like I'm dragging you down, it just feels like you're pulling me up.
"This is going to sound pretty selfish, but… I want to be that kind of person for you. I want to be the one you're honest with, so I can help you the same way you helped me. But I understand if I'm not the person you want to talk to. If you want to talk to Angie or George or Crow instead, I get it. They're your friends, and you've known them a lot longer then me. It'll make me happy just knowing that you're not keeping it all inside, like I used to. I… I don't want to see that happen to someone else, and… this is going to sound presumptuous, but… I especially don't want to see that happen to you, Towa."
With that, Towa finally looks up at him and meets his gaze. Her smile is gone now, replaced by an overall look of exhaustion. She begins speaking.
"When I was at the conference, I was in a small room with a few other aides and secretaries. A few of them needed help keeping track of all the paperwork, so I put myself into that. Eventually though… the terrorists attacked. I just remember hearing explosions and gunfire. I tried to go out and help, but the soldiers made me go back inside. I didn't want to get in their way, so I focused on keeping all of the secretaries safe. I ordered them to barricade the door. And then… we waited." Towa looks away from Rean, down towards the ground. Her fingers whiten on the bench. "It wasn't bad at first. I had done what I could, like I usually do when things get hectic and people need someone to look to and take control of the situation. I focused on making a plan and executing a plan." She closes her eyes. "But once the adrenaline wore off, I realized something. When things like that happened before, Angie and George and Crow were always around to keep me safe. I was never that good at fighting, so I figured out how to back everyone else up the best I could, and so they always looked to me when they needed a plan or some help. I was happy just to be useful to them. But… at the trade conference, I was alone. I couldn't stop thinking about what would happen if the terrorists busted down the door. I didn't even have a weapon! And if they came in I almost certainly would've been outnumbered. That was the first time in my entire life where I wondered whether or not I was going to die."
"Towa…" He looks over at her, a little taken aback, but ready with some reassuring words. She continues before he can disclose them.
"I couldn't help it Rean. I was scared that I was going to die. And… I hated myself for it. I was so guilty, that in that moment I wasn't scared about what was going to happen to everyone else, but to me. That wasn't the only thing I hated myself for thinking either. When the soldiers came and told us everything was okay… I was happy that they'd taken down the terrorists. But then I learned what the mercenaries had done to them. They massacred them, Rean. Maybe I hadn't meant it that way, but I felt like I had basically celebrated their deaths. And I… I never wished that on anyone."
"So, you felt weak…"
Towa nods.
"I tried to move on from all of it without bothering anyone. I tried to just go back to normal. But when I learned about what happened with your class and the Railway Guns, I realized just how powerless I'd been." She frowns. "I should be dead. The guns fired, everyone there – me included – was just lucky that they had been loaded with blanks, and you had enough time to intervene after."
"There's no guarantee those guns would've hit the tower…"
"But they could have, and even if they didn't… people would've died, and I wouldn't have been able to do a thing. Once I realized that, I started having nightmares. When you found me in the computer room, that's one of the few times they didn't bother me... I'm guessing it had something to do with your coat, if I'm being honest, hehe... But it only helped that once. They just came back the next time I slept. I've started dreading sleeping. I might not have slept too well before, too much work to be done, but now I just don't want to at all. I don't want to think about all the people I could've let down, or how disgusted I was with myself… of how selfish I could be… I just wanted to make up for it all. But… seeing as you noticed there's something wrong… I guess it didn't work. Just another way I'm weak, I guess…"
Rean considers this for a moment, then smiles and crosses his arms.
"I see. Yeah, you're definitely weak Towa. But… as you already know… I'm weak too. A lot weaker than you in fact. So I understand."
"You aren't weak, Rean. I've never seen you that way at all."
"But I am. I mean, the reason I came to Thors in the first place was because of that weakness, because I was too afraid to face the darkness that's inside me. Even now, I'm surely weak enough that I'm not facing other things about myself too. Maybe I'm in denial or too afraid deep down, but there's surely more flaws with me that I still don't recognize. But… even if I was running away… I'm really glad I came to Thors. Do you know why?"
Towa smiles, immediately understanding what he's getting at.
"Because you've gotten stronger, right?"
"Right as always. Because of my classmates, because of the field studies, because of the instructors, and because of you and so many others… I've gotten stronger by coming here. Through interactions both big and small with all of you. I can't thank you all enough for that." He places his hand on his chest again. "But that's not the point I wanted to make, instead let me talk to you about probably the most important thing I've heard since I got here. It was back during the Field Study in Celdic, something that Laura told me which completely changed the way I look at things. Back then, I couldn't stop talking about how unskilled I was as a swordsman, how I was nothing special and that I was just a dropout who's never been able to progress past beginner level. It was pretty pathetic of me, and she pointed out something I've never been able to forget. That by saying things like that I'd shamed myself.
"Now, she essentially meant that I needed to take pride in myself more, but that wasn't exactly what I got out of it. Instead, I realized something more important, not that I was too ashamed of who I was… but that I was just making excuses. The reason I was saying those things and repeating them so adamantly wasn't self-awareness, it was me admitting that I'd stopped trying to improve. That I'd given up. That I was holding myself back. And, as long as I kept doing that, I was never going to grow.
"I realize that all of this doesn't totally apply to your situation Towa, but to me… and I'm really sorry if this sounds rude… it seems like you're just running away from the parts of yourself you're ashamed of, instead of trying to face and overcome them. The same way I was running away from the darkness inside me or my weakness as a swordsman, making them all out as things I couldn't change when that wasn't true. I think the same applies for your situation… if you don't confront your problems, you'll never move past them.
"I think that if you do own up to the parts of yourself you don't like, not necessarily to me or anyone else... but to yourself, then… even more than you already are… you'll be the strongest person that I know."
Finishing, Rean looks over at her. She's agape, and she stays like that for a long moment. Eventually though, blood rushing to her cheeks, she faces forward and sits up stock straight. She lets out a little squeal that makes Rean raise an eyebrow before clapping her hands against her cheeks.
"Ahhh, I've been so stupid!" She says. Then, she smiles and lowers her hands. Even though she's still blushing deeply, her tone is somber. "You're totally right Rean. I can't believe I didn't realize it before now. It's so obvious in hindsight…"
"It wasn't all stupid Towa. I know this is rich coming from me, but there's nothing wrong with being afraid to die. That just makes you human."
"It does, doesn't it…? But, still, the person I want to be is the person who always worries about others first."
"I-I see. Haha… that is very much like you, so I guess I can't say I'd want you to change."
Her voice is playful now.
"I wouldn't even if you told me to Rean."
Suddenly, she stands up.
"Now as you said, it's probably time I stop running away from sleep. I'm going to go get some right now. I'm not sure if the nightmares will come back or not, but I'm sure they're not going to go away if I don't face them head on."
Rean smiles broadly.
"Something tells me they won't trouble you again. And when you wake up, you can get right back to work the same as you always do. Not that it would hurt to relax."
"Maybe I will, but now's not the time." She looks back at Rean. "One day when it is though, I'm going to catch that fish. All on my own."
He nods, and she begins to walk away. After a few steps, she turns back to Rean.
"Can you do me a favor and not tell anyone about all of this? It's not necessarily that I'm worried about being a burden or something like that… but… I don't want the people in my life to lose their belief in me. I don't want them to stop coming to me for help, worried that it might be too much for me to bear. Helping people, but especially my friends… it makes me happy. I don't want to lose that. And in your case, I'm sure I can trust you not to treat me any differently despite all you know…"
"I'll take it to the grave, and I'll pretend we didn't even have this conversation until you're ready to talk about it some more." She nods and turns away. Meanwhile, Rean adds while closing his eyes. "One of these days though… I hope you can show me how you really feel, instead of just telling me."
Towa has to stop herself from shaking as she walks away, tears she'd been hiding up till now building up at the edge of her eyes. Not turning to look back at him, she speaks in a perfectly steady voice despite all the emotions clearly tearing through her. Knowing he'd see right through a lie, just as he had with her disguising the emotional outburst she's holding in, she instead decides to dodge.
"I can never thank you enough for everything that you said Rean."
He respects that maneuver, and says nothing as she walks away.