"Gun Hill Road"

Author: carmen_085

Disclaimer: I don't own any Third Watch characters. All original characters in this belong to me

Summary: In the years following 9/11 Bosco and Liz struggle with health issues and emotional trauma. But when Fred dies suddenly, Faith's children have no where to go. Can Bosco and Liz keep their own demons at bay and give Emily and Charlie a good life? (Sequel to "Last Exit to Brooklyn")

Chapter Four

Bosco sighed as he brought the Explorer to a stop in front of his house. It was almost midnight and he was exhausted. Inside the house he saw a light still on and a set of ears in the front window. Callie nosed the curtains apart surveying the front yard as Bosco shook his head. In the passenger set Emily had been quiet; not saying a word the entire ride while Charlie fell asleep across the back seat. They sat there in silence for a moment before Bosco turned to look at her.

"Come on…I'm sure you're tired." Emily nodded as she turned to look at Charlie in the backseat. Shaking his head, Bosco interrupted her thoughts. "Don't worry, I'll get him." She paused for a moment before conceding as she swung the door open and stepped out. Emily stood awkwardly on the sidewalk as Bosco slid Charlie out of the backseat and into his arms. Playing with the zipper of her jacket she realized that she didn't have pajamas or even a tooth brush. She had been more concerned with getting Charlie together and out of the house than herself.

She had been to Bosco's house a few times before; it was simple but clean and she always thought it was really cute. Not that he had much to do with that. So much had changed about her mother's partner since he met Liz, or LJ as she and Charlie called her. Despite her father's grumbling and her mother's frustration, Bosco had always been one of the best guys she knew. He was always there….no matter what he never let them down. But despite his good heart; she always thought him to be edgy and unsettled. Like he was searching for something that he could never find. The first time she saw him with LJ the thing she noticed most was how content he seemed. Whatever he had been needing so desperately he had found in her.

Careful to balance Charlie with one arm, Bosco slid his key into the door and turned the dead bolt. Callie was first to the door letting out an excited whine upon seeing Emily and Charlie as the boy stirred in Bosco's arms looking around.

"Are we home?" Emily bit her lip and looked away, they didn't have a home anymore. On the couch, Liz sat up the dressing still covering the front of her neck. Bosco nodding setting Charlie down as he cast a worried look toward his wife. She just got out of the hospital this morning, she should be in bed. Meeting his look she shrugged as she came to stand in front of them.

"Yeah buddy we're home." Bosco bent over, setting the boy down on the back of the couch as Liz ran her hand though his hair.

"Hey Charlie….I got the spare bed all ready for you." He looked up at her and smiled too tired to notice the gauze taped to her neck.

"Can Callie sleep with me?" The dog had already come to sit in front of the young boy sniffing his pants and any remnants of chocolate that might be left there. Liz let out a low laugh as she shook her head.

"She was already in the bed once tonight, warming it up for you." Charlie brightened a bit as Liz bent down to hug him. With his arms around her neck his seemingly happy mood evaporated as he sniffled. Whining into her hair he began to cry.

"My daddy's gone LJ." Behind Bosco, Emily turned away tears coming to her own eyes as she covered her face. Liz felt her heart break for the little boy that shuddered against her chest. Holding him close she felt him grab onto her and not let go. Charlie was nine but he was small for his age and despite his relative maturity given all that he had been through; tonight had somehow rewound him back to small child wanting to be held and carried. The boy wrapped his legs around her waist as he sobbed shaking uncontrollably in her arms.

Bosco watched a bit helplessly as Charlie fell apart. He reasoned that this was coming. Despite his anger at home and his outburst at the hospital, Charlie had pretty much sat silently with Sully and Davis while Bosco went through something similar with Emily. Liz picked the boy up much to Bosco's dismay. Giving her a look he shook his head. For Christ's sake she was supposed to be taking it easy; no lifting or work for two weeks. Careful to avoid Bosco's disapproving gaze, Liz turned and carried the boy toward the guest bedroom, Callie following closely at her heels.

When they disappeared around the corner Bosco turned around to Emily who was quick to wipe her eyes. "Honey it's ok to be upset."

She nodded trying to keep a fresh round of tears at bay before shrugging her shoulders in defeat. "I just don't want to upset him anymore than he already is."

Bosco nodded slowly as he leaned against the back of the couch. "I know….." He looked down at the floor remembering his first few days in Brooklyn and how hard it was to keep himself together. He never wanted Liz to think that he was weak or the she had cause for concern. It was so hard never letting anyone see the cracks. The older Emily got, the more she reminded Bosco of Faith. The one who, at all costs, kept the family together. The trauma of tonight was still fresh and although he wanted to give her some hard won advice on how to process loss he decided it best to just let her feel whatever she was feeling in this moment. Not to change it or take it away but just let her feel it and be there.

"You can sleep with Charlie tonight or with LJ in our bed. I can take the couch." Emily shook her head quickly.

"No…No. The couch is fine." Bosco raised an eyebrow about to insist before she cut him off. "I want to watch some TV…" She hesitantly met his gaze. "If that's ok." He nodded quickly.

"Of course it's ok…You guys know you're welcome to whatever you want." Emily nodded still standing awkwardly near the door unsure of what to do next. Bosco disappeared down the hallway in search of sheets and a blanket to make the couch up for her. Exhaling, Emily slowly unzipped her jacket looking around the room. She was comfortable here and never felt anything but welcome yet….yet it still wasn't home. Shrugging her jacket off she put it on the back of a kitchen chair.

"Oh honey…"She heard Liz come up from behind her as she turned into the older woman's waiting arms. Emily exhaled a shaky breath out against her as she shook her head slowly.

"I'm scared, LJ." There it was. She had finally said it. She was afraid….more than anything else she was afraid. Why couldn't she say that to Bosco earlier? Maybe she was more like her mother than she knew and a small part of her had that same tendency to want to protect him. Strange as it sounded; it was what she had watched Faith do over and over.

Emily had always liked Liz. She was so cool and funny. She knew when to be serious and according to Bosco she was one of the most kick ass cops he had ever known. Her daddy told her that Liz had gone down to the Trade Center on 9/11 to find Bosco and had almost gotten herself killed. She searched for him for hours and hours until Sully all but drug her back to the 55. She was tough and loyal, and she loved Bosco more than anything in the world. Emily called her once in a while for advice on things that she just couldn't ask her father. Liz even had her over their house from time to time to eat Pizza and talk about boys or make up, why girls were so mean, and how to put a tampon in. She was like a big sister in so many ways and she softened the void left by Faith…if only just a little bit.

Liz stroked the back of Emily hair. "I know you are but we're here and we will figure this all out." Pulling away from the young girl she looked her in the eyes. "I promise." Emily nodded as she exhaled, feeling a fraction of the weight on her chest lift. Eyes drifting to the gauze on her neck a worried look came over her face.

"Does it hurt?"

For a moment Liz didn't even know what she was talking about. "Oh…..just a little." A smile quirked up on her lips. "I've had worse."

Bosco reappeared with the bedding as he shook his head ruefully. "And you're going to have worse again if you don't start taking it easy." The bite in his words shriveled behind the genuine concern in his voice. Liz spared him a cursory glance before turning back to Emily rolling her eyes. A slight smile broke out across her face as she reached out to touch Liz's now shorter hair.

"I love your hair….it's so cool." Liz smiled back at her.

"I wanted to buzz my head like Bosco's but he thought the ninth avenue hookers would be all over me." Bosco stopped what he was doing to look up at her.

"Really?" Watching them banter made her forget everything for just a moment, but only a moment as the reality of tonight nipped at the edges of her mind. Smile fading, she looked down at the floor.

Noticing the shift, Liz was quick to add. "Let me get you something to sleep in." Finishing with the bedding, Bosco jammed his hands in his pockets.

"You sure ? I don't mind." Emily met his eyes as he gestured toward the couch. Quick to rebuff his offer she shook her head. She didn't want to be any trouble. This wasn't her home. Swallowing hard, she silently took the clothes that Liz handed her and disappeared into the bathroom.

Bosco waited until the door clicked shut to exhale. He knew that his wife was looking at him, knew that she wanted to ask him everything. He wanted to tell her everything. But for this moment they stayed silent. Lord knows he had been in enough situations that caused people to whisper when they thought he wasn't around. It was an awful feeling… to be talked about behind one's back. To feel self conscious in the company of a friend or family when you are at your weakest. Bosco swallowed the sour taste in his mouth as he pointed toward the back door.

"Do they need to go out?" Atlas was standing between them, like always, his graying tail easily swaying side to side.

Liz shook her head, the ghost of a smirk on her lips, "Callie pushed the back door open by herself a couple hours ago," She paused as Bosco looked toward the guest bedroom sighing; he was going to have his hands full with that one. Pointing downward, "He was sleeping like a rock though, missed the jailbreak entirely."

Liz watched the muscles in Bosco's jaw flex as he nodded. She wanted to be there for Emily and Charlie, of course she did, but she also wanted to make sure she was there for Bosco too. He looked completely exhausted; emotionally and physically. She had seem him looking worse, that was for sure, but those days were long behind them…at least she thought they were. Swallowing she fought not to wince, her neck was sore but she had no intention of complaining. Looking at the dark rings around his eyes she felt a pang of guilt aware that she was at least partly to blame. Brushing past her she reached out and touched his arm. Their eyes met for a brief moment as he exhaled a ragged breath. The exchange lasted just a second but in that moment she learned everything she needed to know. Talking without saying a word; it served them well not only out in the street but also at home.

Emily stared at herself in the mirror. She didn't think anything as she started at her reflection; she just stared at her strawberry blonde hair and her glassy green eyes. She looked just like her mother. Her mother…..she felt a sob rise up before she swallowed it back. She wished her mother was here right now; she would take care of everything. The only thing Emily would need to worry about was feeling sad that her daddy was gone. Feeling sad…that seemed like a luxury right now. She was terrified, overwhelmed, and anxious; she didn't know how she was going to sleep tonight or any other night for that matter. She also didn't know if she would ever have the time to grieve her father, to let herself feel the loss of him in her life. Loss in the sense of never seeing his smile across the kitchen, or feeling his arms around her, or the sound of his voice telling her it was time to get up for school. All she had was loss in the sense of stability; the loss of her life as she knew it. Tears slid down her cheeks as she felt a sense of panic bubble up in her gut. No. She couldn't do this…she had to keep a brave face for Charlie. That was her job.

Exhaling she wiped her face viciously with the back of her hand; angry that such a lapse had occurred in the first place. She could do this….she could be strong. Opening the door she balled her jeans and t-shirt up and as she walked out of the bathroom hesitantly, half expecting Bosco and LJ to be whispering about the whole sad ordeal. Instead she found the living room empty as she let the breath she was holding escape her lips.

Liz appeared around the corner just as Emily nervously placed her clothes on one of the kitchen chairs. She didn't want to make a mess anywhere. Her eyes fell upon the young girl, her slumped shoulders and the way the oversized NYPD t-shirt made her look smaller and even more scared than she already was. Emily made brief eye contact before offering a small, reassuring smile. She wanted them to think everything was ok; that they didn't need to worry, that she could handle this all on her own. That facade would break eventually. What she had been through most adults would't be able to handle. Setting the peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the coffee table she place a glass of water down bedside before making sure the remote was also there.

"If you need anything at all just help yourself…you know that, OK?" Emily nodded, a few strands of hair falling around her face. Liz paused, staring at her hesitantly. "Do you want me to sit up with you for a while ?"

They had done that before, sat on the couch and talked late into the night, on happier occasions of course. Emily looked a the floor; she just wanted to be alone right now.

"I'm really tired." She realized how unconvincing she sounded after the words already left her mouth. Emily's eyes wandered to the couch with the blue sheets and fluffy green comforter and the coffee table with the glass of water and peanut butter sandwich. She suddenly felt guilty. They were being so nice to her and they didn't have to; they had their own problems right now. "If that's ok…."

Liz's face softened until it almost looked like she was about to cry. "Oh honey….it's ok. Don't ever worry about us. We are here for you and your brother. To take care of you guys and make this easier if we can…". Emily swallowed hard, a tear sliding down her face. Bosco was just her mother's old partner, a co worker if you wanted to strip it right down. Of course a partner was more than a co worker and Emily knew that a long time ago. Still, he wasn't blood and he had no obligation to take care of them. And LJ was just his wife, she had never even met her mother and had only known them for a couple years. She was battling cancer, and even though neither of them said much about, she also knew they were still dealing with the lingering physical and mental effects of 9/11. They didn't have to do this…and they sure didn't have to be this nice or this caring. They wanted to, though, and for that the gaping hole in Emily's heart was filled with something she could not yet name.

"Thank you." It come out as a whisper as she briefly met Liz's eyes before ducking her head. The older woman offered her a sincere smile before disappearing down the hallway. Flicking the lights off, Emily sat down on the couch in the dark exhaling for the first time tonight.

The house was dark when Bosco stepped back into the kitchen quietly shutting the door behind him. Atlas's toenails clicked across the kitchen floor toward the bedroom as Bosco paused to peer into the living room. In the meager street light he could see Emily laying on the couch under the covers. For moment he thought about checking on her just to make sure she had everything that she needed but then stopped himself. If she was sleeping he didn't want to bother her. He was sure that Liz had seen to her and made sure that she was comfortable before going to bed. Exhaling softly, Bosco looked at her sleeping form before slowly walking toward the bedroom, the clock on the microwave glowed one am. Maybe things would be better in the morning.

Liz heard the door open as she rolled over in bed seeing Bosco illuminated by the nightlight in the hallway. Even in the darkness she could see the way his shoulders slumped, tired from carrying the weight of the world. Atlas slipped through the door behind him and without much hesitation jumped onto the bed settling himself at Liz's feet. Bosco felt dead on his feet although he wasn't sure he would be able to sleep as he pulled his t-shirt off and kicked his jeans onto the floor. Sitting with a groan on the edge of the bed he exhaled the breath he had been holding all night.

"How was it?" He felt her arms wrap around her shoulders pulling him down to lay next to her. Bosco didn't resist, couldn't resist, her arms were home to him and he had been longing for this moment all night.

Sighing he shook his head, "Awful…" They adjusted themselves around each other until they found a position that was both comfortable and familiar. Liz rested her hand on his chest stroking his skin lightly with the pad her thumb. The gentle touch made a chill roll down his spine as he shuddered. "I'm really worried about Emily…."

Liz was quiet for a moment thinking that over as Bosco ran his fingers through her short hair. "She puts a lot on her shoulders…..it's hard, she's still just a kid."

Bosco's hand drifted down to her shoulder squeezing her into him. A reassurance that she was still there. Burying his nose in her hair he inhaled deeply. "I know….it was just at the hospital. She wasn't even crying but somehow she was still just….inconsolable. I didn't know what to do." Pausing for a moment he sighed. "I really wished you had been there."

Tilting her head up she kissed the corner of his mouth before snuggling back against him. "I'm sure you did the best you could. Those kids adore you." Bosco bit down on his bottom lip wondering if he should tell her about Shirley Yokas. Next to him he felt Liz' s breathing even out as her hand stilled against his chest. With is his own free hand he adjusted the comforter so that they were both covered before closing his eyes. He would tell her in the morning and she would help him figure it out.

The room was dark as the curtain blew in the gentle late spring breeze. Bosco jerked awake looking around in confusion. He hadn't been sleeping particularly well; shallow and dreamless tossing back and forth most of the night. But still something had caused him to wake with a start. Eyes wandering to his wife he briefly studied her face completely relaxed and asleep. He was relieved that she was resting. The gauze on her neck was clean and white, no bleeding, as he subconsciously exhaled. The door was halfway open and Atlas was no longer in the bedroom as Bosco swung his legs over the side of the bed. Resting his elbows on his knees he rubbed his face resting it in hands. The bedside clock glowed four thirty. Exhaling he stopped cold hearing a strange noise from the other room. Normally he would not think twice about walking around in his boxers; it was his house and he could do as he pleased. But not anymore, there were children here now and he needed to act like. Pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a blue t-shirt he ran a hand over his hair smoothing it back down.

Closing the bedroom door silently he peered into Charlie's room seeing the boy buried beneath the covers with Callie laying protectively next to him, one of his little arms across her fluffy middle. When he reached the end of the hallway, Bosco stopped and leaned against the wall as he stared for just a moment. The sound he heard was Emily. She was sitting in the dark on the floor in front of the couch; the coffee table pushed forward and out of the way. Atlas lay across her lap in steadfast support. Even in the dark he could see the way her shoulders were shaking as she buried her face in the dog's thick fur.

Lowering himself down next to her he wrapped an arm around her shoulders pulling her into his chest. Emily didn't resist him as he covered her face with her hands trying to keep her sobs as silent as possible. The last thing she needed was to wake Charlie and have him see her so upset. With his other hand, Bosco stroked her hair gently. "Shh…". He knew after the hospital and her tearless, albeit physically jarring reaction, that this would come eventually. "It's ok…" It wasn't really ok but he didn't know what else to say.

She inhaled sharply unable to control herself as Bosco tightened his grip unsure of what else he could do. "It isn't ok…" He could barely make out the words as she moaned them into the fabric of his shirt. "It's my fault. It's all my fault…"

"No….sometimes things just happen, honey. It's nobody's fault." Atlas shifted but didn't move sensing that his steady presence was needed right now.

"NO!" You don't understand." Pushing herself back she met his eyes although his face was nothing but a blurry smudge to her. Looking into her face, Bosco began to fear that he was missing some huge piece of the puzzle. That there was something he didn't know that would make this whole awful situation even worse. Swallowing hard he looked back at her taking his free hand and pushing her hair back from her face.

"What ? What don't I understand, Em ?"

"It's my fault that he's dead…it's all my fault." Gasping she shook her head as the words began to tumble out. "He hadn't been to the doctor since before my mom died. Hadn't had a check up or blood work or anything. I was worried about him…" She moaned as she looked away. "I just kept bugging him until he made an appointment. He didn't even want to go." Bosco's mind began to click as the pieces fell into place. "He was there because of me…because I wanted him to go." She stared at him like he was stupid for not knowing all along that she was to blame. Shaking her head she added mournfully, "If he wasn't in that stupid building and in that stupid elevator, someone could have helped him. Doc and Carlos would have come and Doc would have known what to do…" In the dark, Bosco's jaw flexed as he exhaled slowly. It seemed so simple on the surface but life was anything but. No matter what you did or how the situation was spun differently; odds are when it was someone's day there was little anyone could do to change the final outcome. Bosco knew that….God did he know that. Still the burden of another life was a crushing weight to carry. It was enough to nearly kill a grown man, and here was Emily, still a child, carrying that exact same weight.

Emily cried against his chest as he felt her tears begin to saturate the thin cotton. Rubbing her shoulder he sat there, not really knowing what to say to make this better. Reassuring platitudes might calm her down but it wouldn't make her feel any different. She would still hate herself the only difference is that she wouldn't be crying. Bosco closed his eyes, an image of himself sitting in the bath tub with a gun to his temple flashed in his mind. The night Faith died he was so consumed with guilt he felt like the only way out was a bullet to the brain.

"You would have helped him too….right?" Bosco snapped out of it as he nodded his head.

"Yeah Em, you know I would have done anything for your Daddy and for you and Charlie." Pulling out from under his arm Emily shook her head, voice raising an octave or two as she met his gaze.

"That's why it's so bad….if he had been anywhere else someone could have helped him….someone WOULD have helped him. He didn't have to die. But he did. He died alone in a elevator and it's all MY fault." She looked away before looking back at him. "Do you know what that feels like ?" Meeting her gaze in the dark a sad smile crossed his face.

The first hints of dawn reflected off the marshes as the Explorer skimmed over a ribbon of asphalt. Cross Bay Boulevard was deserted, it was still early. Emily stared out the window. She felt numb; not better, not worse, just numb. Every peak and valley of emotion had fizzled into a dull, empty hum. She was tired but she couldn't sleep, she was sad but she couldn't cry, she scared but she couldn't run.

Bringing the car to a stop, Bosco turned the key as they both sat staring out at the beach. The car was illuminated in the purple gray haze of early morning as Emily sighed.

"What is this place ?" It was a warm morning although they wore jackets to protect against the cool sea spray.

"I used to come here as a kid when I wanted to get away. I also came here the night your mom died." Slamming the door Bosco walked over to a white bench on the boardwalk which connected the parking lot to the beachfront. The place was empty as he sat down exhaling, feeling at peace with a moment of complete privacy and anonymity. Emily sat next to him pulling her hands into her jacket as she stared out at the water. "Do you remember that night?"

Emily cast a glance at him before looking down at her shoes. If anyone else wanted to talk about the second worst moment of her life while she was currently in absolute worst moment she would have told them to piss off. But this was Bosco…and he shared that grief just as much as she did if not more. Swallowing hard she replied quietly. "Yeah, kind of hard to forget it." It wasn't said with sarcasm, just as the fact that it was.

Bosco nodded, "What do you remember ?"

Emily worked her lower lip as she stared out at the ocean again. "I remember my dad telling me that something had happened and he needed to go to the hospital. I remember him coming back, his hands were bleeding and he was angry…..so angry." Bosco's eyes drifted shut.

"I've been waiting for this day a long time." Winding up he laid another devastating punch squarely into Bosco's jaw. His teeth rattled from the blow as a terrible pain shot through his head. The black night flashed to white as his right eye was squashed back into its socket.

"This is all your fault, Bosco. If it weren't for you always screwing things up Faith would still be alive!"

It was Fred. Bosco lay on the ground trying to find the will to get up and fight back. He always knew that if anything ever happened to Faith he would need to answer to Fred. He deserved this beating more than he had ever deserved anything in his entire life. So he didn't fight back. He lay there limp on the concrete letting Fred do whatever he wanted.

She paused for a moment before continuing. "He told me that my mom had gone to heaven and I would never see her again. I didn't believe it, I knew you would always protect her….so I guess I had to hear it from you." For a moment his heart seized in his chest. I knew you would always protect her. Nothing could cut him deeper than that.

"Uncle Bosco! Please open the door!" Spitting, Bosco hastily wiped his mouth with a dishrag. Running the kitchen sink, he quickly washed his mouth the door open, Bosco's suspicions were confirmed as he laid eyes on a very scared and distraught Emily Yokas.

"Emily! What are you doing here?" The eleven year old girl was clutching a backpack as tears streamed down her face. Sniffling a bit she hesitated to meet Bosco's eyes.

"My daddy says that mommy isn't coming home. He said she went to heaven. I don't believe him, though. Do you know where my mommy is?"

She was silent assuming that he knew the rest. For a moment the only sound that passed between them was the lapping of waves on the shore. "I was going to kill myself that night."

The words fell off his tongue before he could think if that was something appropriate to share with a fifteen year old. Emily was no ordinary fifteen year old, though, and this was no ordinary situation. She paused for a moment before turning to look at him. At first Bosco was hesitant to meet her gaze. He had done a lot of things he wasn't proud of but that was probably his most shameful moment of all. Her face was blank; not judgmental or surprised, not scared or disappointed. Looking down at her shoes her voice was uncertain as a breeze blew her hair around her face. "Why didn't you?"

It wasn't what he was expecting but it was honest and it was what she wanted to know. Exhaling he looked away, "Because you knocked on my door."

"What ?" She froze for a moment, not yet understanding the pivotal part she had unknowingly played.

Bosco leaned forward resting his forearms on his knees. Looking down he shook his head. "I was in the bath tub with my gun to my head and the only thing that stopped me from going through with it was you knocking on my door." Her lips parted slightly as she stared at him. "I was ready to die. I wanted to die. But when you knocked I just…I guess I just snapped out of it…."

Bosco stared at his gun like it was the first time he'd ever seen it. Turning toward the bathroom he let the pistol fall to his side. It felt heavy in his hand; heavier than it ever felt before. Perhaps it was the weight of decisions made, perhaps it was the weight of sorrow hanging tightly to his shoulders, or maybe it was the weight of responsibility for the partner that he failed to protect.

Climbing into the bathtub, Bosco sat down resting his head against the white tiled walls. Once he committed to this; there was no turning back. Sliding the clip in and out he heard Fred's angry words again and again, 'If not for you always screwing things up, Faith would still be alive.' He wasn't going to screw up anyone else's life. This was it. Locking the clip in place, Bosco brought the barrel of the gun to his temple with a shaking hand. Taking a deep breath he cocked the hammer back. Bosco closed his eyes. This was it.

Suddenly, a feverish barrage of knocking at the door caused him to jump. The gun fell from his unsteady hand into the tub. "Uncle Bosco!" It was a little girl's voice. In one swift motion Bosco jumped out of the tub.

"Jesus Christ…" He stared dumbfounded at the gun. What was he thinking? He almost killed himself.

Emily looked at him, her mouth now closed. He could see her turning something over in her head; he'd seen that look before on her mother at least a thousand times. Shaking her head she looked away. "I never thought you would do something like that….just give up."

Her honesty was cutting but he was also grateful she wasn't holding back. That was the point of bringing her here. Still, he couldn't deny this was difficult. They were talking about the worst moments of his life right now and all the things he wished that he could forget. "I know. And you're right; that isn't something I ever saw myself doing either." Sitting back he looked into he face seriously. "But I want you to understand what guilt can do to a person…..how it destroys you and everything good in your life. It's like a monster, Em…and it eats everything until you have nothing left. Until you're empty."

A fresh round of tears pricked her eyes as she exhaled a shaky breath. "But it's just a fact. He wouldn't have been in that elevator if not for me…." She shrugged her shoulders; it just seemed so hopelessly obvious how much she was to blame.

"He could have been in the back of the warehouse at work, or on a delivery alone, or in your house while you and Charlie were at school and the exact same thing would have happened. It isn't your fault, Em. He was going to the doctor because he loved you and he didn't want you to worry." Tears spilled over her eyes as she sat back against him. The ocean looking like a blurry dark blue smudge. "And I don't want you to blame yourself because I did that. I've been there and that's no place to be. It almost killed me….almost stole my whole life away." He laughed a humorless, ironic laugh. "I loved your mom….she was my best friend and my partner. But more than that she was my person. The one I always knew I could call for help. The one who would always be there no matter what. And I was that for her…at least I tried to be. I always thought I could protect her but then when it mattered I couldn't protect her at all. That was the one thing I just couldn't and still can't get over….that I didn't protect her and she…well she paid for my failure with her life."

Emily sighed, "She wouldn't have blamed you…she never did."

That statement gave Bosco a moment of pause, "I blamed myself though, and for a long time I was swallowed up in that guilt. That it was my fault that she was dead….all my fault. I couldn't see out of it so I did some stupid, reckless things….I almost got LJ killed more than once….I built a wall around myself so high no one could see inside. But you know what ? No matter how much I hurt myself or anyone else it didn't change the fact that she was dead and life had to go on." Leaning forward again Bosco dropped his head into his hands. "I'm not telling you this so that you feel like I've been through worse and you should just get over your daddy. I want you to feel what you're feeling; to miss him, and cry for him, and love him …but what I don't want you to feel is guilt because it isn't your fault and believe me, Em, blaming yourself will only make this worse."

She nodded her head slowly, her eyes glassy and her bottom lip quivering. Looking away from him down the beach she was quiet for a moment before letting out a painful gasp. A sob erupted from her throat as Bosco sat back putting his arm around her shoulders pulling her in against him. "I'm scared Bosco….I'm so so scared right now…" Tilting he pressed his cheek against the top of her head.

"I know you are, honey." His voice was soothing as she realized in that moment how much comfort she had always found in her mother's partner. In the sound of his voice, in the way his lips turned up in a smirk, in the feeling of his arm around her when the whole world was falling apart. He was familiar and he was all she had left from the life she knew.

"What if someone takes us away ? What if we end up in foster care? What if I never see you or LJ or Charlie ever again ?" She moaned into his chest as he felt his heart squeeze. God…he wished that he could promise her none of that would ever happen. Emily wasn't the only one who was scared right now.

"I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen." She lifted her face looking at him through red rimmed eyes. "And no matter where you or Charlie go I will always be there, and LJ will be there. No matter what. I promise." Emily slowly nodded. She knew that he couldn't promise anything else. If she were younger she would have wanted that but now…well now she knew just how complicated it was to be an adult. "We'll get though this….someway we'll get through it and you'll see one day your life will be good again. You'll find happiness…" He trailed off.

"Did you ?" Bosco looked down at her as she met his eyes. "Did you find happiness again?"

A smile tugged at the corners of his lips as he shook his head. "There is one thing I know for sure….and that is that happiness and love can be found in the darkest place." Emily was silent as she thought that over. Wiping her eyes she exhaled all the tension inside of her as she relaxed against him closing her eyes. The sun finally crested the horizon as a jet roared overhead headed out into the endless blue sky.

TBC…please review. Going to make a concerted effort to update once a month at minimum. Thank you all