Author's note: CW for child abuse, internalized homophobia, mentions of period accurate homophobia, slight cis teen boy problems, and also reference to a near-drowning incident.

-x-

The Muggle cinema day out had done wonders for Hope, as she was in an extremely good mood for the rest of the day. She kept swishing around the house, humming the songs from Some Like It Hot and sighing rather happily. Remus, on the other hand, could barely focus, barely do anything besides think about that ending. Almost as soon as they got home he went out to the woods for a bit, kicking at stones and hitting trees with a stick. Eventually he wandered back to the house to sit on the living room sofa, a book open in his lap that he wasn't reading. Couldn't read.

Nobody's perfect. With a smile. And the other guy didn't even seem too phased, his expression had been more of a 'huh' sort of expression.

Remus ran his finger down the page, the tip settling where the hero and maiden shared a passionate kiss. Man and woman, as it should be. That's what everyone said. That's what history said. Witch and wizard. Not…

He closed the book, not even wanting to see the words.

Were Muggles… different?

His mother was in the kitchen, mopping the floor, hips swinging as she sang one of the songs. "Runnin' wild, lost control, runnin' wild, mighty bold! Feelin' gay, reckless too, carefree mind all the time, never blue!"

That word… he knew what it meant in the song's context but…

"Mum?"

She turned, smiling. "Yes? Are you hungry?"

"Er… no. Um. I had a question." He started to come forward then stopped, not wanting to step on the wet floor. "About the film."

"Which one? I can't help with anything about the first one. It was too strange."

"No, the—the Marilyn Monroe one," he said, putting his hands against the door frame to steady himself. "The ending."

"Wasn't that romantic?" she sighed, pressing her cheek against the mop handle. "Her loving him even though he had no money!"

Frankly he thought the Joe-Sugar thing was a terrible plot, full of lies and manipulation, but he wasn't going to say that. "No, the other. The—the last bit. With… um, Jerry—with Jerry revealing he's a man."

"Hmm? What about it?"

"Well. Er. Wasn't it odd that—" He felt the words growing heavy. In fact now he wasn't sure if he could say them. His mother was looking at him expectantly and he wanted to run, to hide under his bed and cry. "W-wasn't it odd that, er, Osgood didn't—didn't care?"

"Didn't care about what?"

"That Jerry was a man," Remus whispered, not sure if she even heard.

Hope tilted her head. "What do you mean?"

"Osgood. He—he d-didn't seem to mind that—that Daphne was J-Jerry." His voice broke a little as he spoke. "Is that… is—is that something c-common in the—in—in the M—Muggle world?"

Hope seemed very puzzled as he stammered out his words and when he reached the end of his question she nearly dropped the mop. "Remus! Don't be silly. It was only for comedic purposes. It doesn't mean anything."

"So it's… a… joke…? In the Muggle world?"

She sighed, returning to her mopping. "It's just a film. Does it even matter?"

He stepped back, chest hurting as he tried to breathe. "No," he said without thinking. "It doesn't."

He retreated back to the sofa, entire body shaking as he sank back down. It doesn't matter, he thought, clutching his book. It doesn't matter to me at all. It doesn't—mean—anything!

So why did he feel like crying?

-x-

Hope talked about the film all through supper, telling Lyall more or less the entire plot. Lyall nodded as she spoke, making vaguely interested noises while he ate. When she finished and said perhaps they should all try to go to the cinema over the Christmas holidays, Lyall shook his head. He said he didn't think that would be a good idea. Hope wanted to know why, and Lyall mentioned money.

"It could be a Christmas present for us all," she said. "Remus really enjoyed going to the cinema. I really think we should expose him more to the Muggle world—"

"Why?" Lyall asked.

Hope bit her bottom lip. "As I said before, he is part Muggle—"

"I've told you before, we're not living as Muggles—"

"I never said it had anything to do with that!" she protested. "While I think it would be safer for Remus, I know you aren't keen on living as a Muggle. I haven't pressed the issue, have I? Going to see Muggle entertainment is a far cry from completely living as a Muggle."

Lyall set his fork down in a rough way. "Remus," he said in a tone that caused him to flinch. "Did you enjoy the… film?"

He had only been sorta paying attention to the argument up until then, his head still full of the whole Nobody's Perfect thing. However he had heard enough to know what the question really meant. Remus knew it was less of a 'did you enjoy this' question and more of a 'whose side are you taking' question. He did not like it. Did not want to take sides. But it was clear he had to, his father wasn't going to drop it.

"Well?" Lyall snapped when Remus remained silent.

"I—wh—while I—while I w-wouldn't w-want to live w—without m-magic—I—I do enjoy Muggle things," he forced out. "I enjoyed the—the films."

He prayed that that would suffice, that both of his parents would accept the hopefully diplomatic response. Both of them stared at him for a few seconds before returning to their food.

"If that's what you want to do, that would be fine," Lyall murmured.

The tension at the table was wretched and Remus gobbled down the rest of his food as fast as he could in order to escape, hurrying outside with a book. As he sat by the pond pretending to read, he wondered if Peter ever had similar issues with his family…

At least if his parents were arguing again he couldn't really hear them thanks to all the spells on the house.

He didn't agree with how his father said things, but he also wondered if there was a ring of truth to it. This was the second time Hope was insisting Remus embrace his Muggle side. He knew she would love nothing more than to take them and disappear in Muggle America, keeping Remus as safe as possible. Was she… still hoping for that?

If she ever finds out you have friends, that's exactly what's going to happen, he reminded himself, drawing his knees closer and shivering. He didn't even want to think about what his mother would do if she found out he not only had friends but that they knew the truth.

Remus thought about his other friends. Lily and Aegis. Sometimes he wondered how much they suspected. If they were ever close to the truth. In all honesty, if he had chosen any friend to figure out the truth it would have been Lily or Aegis, not any of the Marauders; Lily and Aegis were both very smart and interested in studying, schoolwork, and learning. But it had been Marauders—well, Sirius, really, who then told James and Peter.

It had been about eight months since that night, since Sirius said those words. We know you're a werewolf. Yet they stuck by his side. They cared about him even knowing the truth. They even helped him, as much as they could. It wasn't anything he ever expected; certainly nothing his mother would expect. He wished he could tell her. If she knew how fiercely they protected him…

But no, that could never happen. Hope would go berserk, and Remus would be taken away to wither away in another country.

-x-

Dear Remus, 17/7/73

Since you haven't sent any more letters since the reply to my first, I'm guessing Arthur isn't doing well. Or else you aren't. I hope you're both okay!

Not much has changed since my last letter including the fact I'm grounded, though this time for a different reason other than my hair. Mum is still FURIOUS about my 'joke'. I tried cutting my hair on my own but it went all raggedy so Mum took me to a hair parlor. It looks all right now though I can't wait for school to start so I can start doing fun things with it again! Mum still doesn't seem to understand that I can cut all my hair off one day and grow it back the next. With 'technology' like that, so to speak, who WOULDN'T mess around with their hair? I'm thinking about coloring it. Ooh Mum would DIE!

Speaking of dying… things around here feel like they are. Mum's not only having rows with me, she's also having rows with Petunia. Petunia says she's tired of living here and is considering moving which I suspect is because of me. I don't know where she would go, unless she moves in with Mr. Boring which she won't because that 'isn't how things are done'.

Oh! Right. Mr. Boring. She has a new beau who sounds absolutely AWFUL. He's ten years older than Petunia with this awful mustache (I spied on him bringing her home one night) and is an accountant. She wants everyone to go out to a fancy dinner some night but only if… of course… I'm not there. Mum and Dad want to meet John Dole. DOLE! Uck even his NAME sounds boring to me. Okay I asked Mum, Mr. Dole- no, Mr. DULL! isn't ten years older than Tuney, he's 'only' seven which is still an enormous amount, in my opinion.

Whenever she talks about him all I can think of is could someone live a more boring life? I wonder… did she latch onto him because of that? Maybe she wants as boring and dull and normal a Muggle life as she can possibly get, to get away from me and my 'abnormality'. She called me a freak again. I took a page out of the idiot Potter's book and spelled some of the feathers in her pillow to tickle her. That's why I'm grounded again. I tried to apologize to Petunia and she dumped a pitcher of milk on me so I don't think things are going well. I asked her if that's how she treats Mr. Dull and now she's not speaking to me again. I might sneak into her room next time she's out and enchant the photo of Mr. Dull she has so his mustache dances.

I suspect I'm going to be grounded again soon.

Anyway, I hope your holidays are better and that you and your mother are both well. Please reply when you can!

Love, Lily

-x-

Remus had considered mentioning, in his letter back to Lily, about the ending to Some Like It Hot. Try to get from Lily the Muggle viewpoint of—of that sort of thing. In the end he chickened out and only loosely talked about the films (as well as expressing sorrow over how Petunia was treating her, and a few ideas for pranks she could do) before managing to attach the letter to Bessie and sending her off.

It still plagued him. It wouldn't stop, wouldn't leave him alone. He even had a hazy sort of dream where he was in the dress he wore for the Valentine's dessert prank, on a date with Sirius, and when he revealed he was really Remus, Sirius simply shrugged and said he didn't care, voicing the same words from the movie: Nobody's perfect.

When Remus woke up from that he had to draw a cold bath, plunging himself in to stop the heat from getting too bad. To stop some problems… well, one problem in particular from literally rising.

It doesn't matter, he thought later that day, trudging through the woods with his hands in his pocket. Even IF Muggles were a little more accepting—which, let's face it, they probably aren't… it has no bearing on the magical world. Fact is… that sort of thing is extremely wrong. All the gay witches and wizards in history were known for one thing which was being wrong, being disgusting, for being killed and/or hurt for that.

It's wrong, he thought, kicking a stone, and I'm already wrong enough as it is for being a werewolf. I am NOT like that, not—not! He stopped and leaned against a tree, covering his face for a few seconds before raking his fingers through his hair. The flushes of heat and excitement he sometimes got from—from… not girls… were… weren't… they didn't mean anything. It was even written down that it meant nothing! He had gotten a book about puberty, and in it it stated that those sorts of things often happened for no reason to young boys growing up.

Which was proof that it didn't mean anything like that.

He reached a stream and perched on a rock, watching the water flow, occasionally tossing in a leaf or flower. Soon I'll like girls, he told himself, watching a leaf spin in circles as it drifted off. He thought about when he and Lily kissed. Twice, in case the first didn't count. Remus hadn't really gotten anything from it, but since Lily hadn't either he wasn't too worried. Either he wasn't ready yet, or else it was because he kissed Lily who was one of his best friends.

What would kissing Sirius feel like? a nasty, horrible voice whispered.

"No!" he snapped out loud, getting to his feet so fast he nearly tumbled into the water. "No." UGH he wanted to reach into his head and rip these thoughts out. It wasn't FAIR! Why was he having them? They were WRONG and he didn't WANT them! He wanted thoughts about girls! He wanted to be normal! Even though he could never be with a girl or have a girlfriend, he still wanted whatever caused a boy to like a girl to hurry up and kick in for him.

-x-

Ever since the 'argument' about films and Muggle things, Remus had noticed his father was grouchier than usual. He didn't seem to be taking his anger out on Hope or Remus, at least, but Remus figured the wisest thing would be to avoid him. Or try to. On Sunday afternoon, Lyall asked Remus to talk.

Remus joined him in the living room, wondering what was going on. Wondering if he had done something wrong. Was he going to be punished? Lyall didn't look very happy, which made Remus feel more nervous.

"I thought it was important we talk about your third year at school," Lyall said after a couple of long, agonizing minutes of awkward silence.

"Wh-what about it?" Remus whispered, stomach twisting into knots. Had Hope convinced Lyall to keep Remus out of Hogwarts…? Was he about to be told he couldn't go back?

Lyall folded his arms across his legs, leaning forward with a look on his face Remus couldn't decipher. "It's about your electives. Now, we spoke before about how difficult it's going to be. Money-wise, I mean."

Oh. Remus looked down at his lap, still feeling sick though not quite as afraid.

"Your letter with the list should be coming in soon," Lyall continued. "We won't know until we get it. But I want you to be prepared with the possibility—the probability—that you won't be able to take all the electives." He sat upright then leaned back, crossing one leg over the other knee. "Have you thought much about them?"

"I—" Remus had nothing to say on the matter.

"I'm thinking the best choice for you to take is Study of Ancient Runes for sure, it's one of the most practical electives there is."

Remus stared up at him through his fringe. "Are you saying I should only take one?"

"No, no," Lyall laughed, clearly meaning yes, that's what he was saying. "Divination is… very impractical. As is Arithmancy. I don't think either of those are things you'll need in life. Ditto for Muggle Studies. You—as your mother has been saying practically nonstop this summer, you're half Muggle as is." He couldn't even pretend to hide the bitterness in his voice at those words. "You don't need to learn about them. And—well, Care of Magical Creatures doesn't really seem to be something you'll need."

Remus's stomach had long dropped through his feet, through the floor, and was currently hurtling headlong into the center of the earth. "So. You're saying I should only take one."

"I'm saying you need to be practical," Lyall said in an agitated tone as he got up and began pacing. "We might not have the money to afford the books and tools you'll need! Most likely you'll have a new book for Defense, since you'll have a new teacher, and you'll need the third year Charms book, and you need new uniforms, don't you?"

"Yes," he muttered, tugging at his sleeve. The uniforms he had been wearing for his first and second year still mostly fit but they were practically falling apart at the seams, as they had been secondhand (or thirdhand, even) when Remus bought them. Plus the color spells on his ties and uniform accents were wearing off. Most first year uniforms when bought new, the spell on them that allowed the tie and accents to change to house color once one was Sorted could last a lifetime. But for someone like Remus who had to buy used… the spell had been 'reset' and wasn't working so well anymore.

Lyall held his hands out in a 'see?' manner. "We'll do what we can."

"What if I—" Remus stopped, biting his bottom lip.

"What if you what?"

"We could—I—I could sell some things?" He stood as well, tugging now at the hem of his shirt. He thought of the old books Lyall had given him over Easter holiday, a bribe to like his room. "Some of the books…"

"Your old textbooks?" Lyall asked.

Remus felt that like a punch to the gut. "N—no, not—not those," he said swiftly, not bearing the thought of losing any of his schoolbooks! He needed them all anyway, just in case.

"I don't think you could get enough for some of your books to make the money needed," Lyall said, putting a hand on Remus's shoulder. Remus immediately winced, half-expecting to be hit. Lyall rarely touched him, and often when he did it was to deliver discipline. But no, this time seemed to be Lyall trying to comfort him. "Look. We'll wait until the list comes and see how much things will be, and then you can make a decision."

Remus mumbled something.

"What was that?"

He looked up, twitching his head so his fringe swept away from his eyes—so he could look directly into his father's eyes. "I made a decision, Dad. To take all of them." Lyall's jaw clenched tight and Remus thought he might strike out. "I—I'd like to take as many as I possibly can."

"Yes. Well. We'll see."

"We could sell my fur."

The words were out before he could stop them. It felt like a spell, freezing the room. Lyall gaped openly at Remus who stood stock still, unable to believe he said what he said. Too late to take it back.

"What did you say?" Lyall whispered. Remus let out a slight squeak. "You did not… say what I think you said."

He swallowed, looking down at his feet, trying not to tremble. "I didn't—it—it w-was just a thought—"

"A thought. A thought?" Lyall's voice rose and before Remus could react he was being grabbed, yanked up to his tiptoes. "Do you want to be fucking executed!?"

"D-dad!"

Lyall shook him hard. "Do you have ANY idea how DANGEROUS it is to sell parts of a werewolf unless you have a connection to a werewolf on the registry?!"

"I d-d-didn't—"

"Do you have any sense of safety?!" Lyall flung him loose, sending him to the ground. Remus hit his backside against the floor so hard his teeth snapped together, feeling like they might break his jaw. "We have sacrificed EVERYTHING for you and you are out here trying to waltz into the arms of the Werewolf Capture Unit!"

Hope appeared in the doorway, hearing Lyall's yelling. She stared wide-eyed at Remus on the floor. "What's going on?"

Remus got up, rubbing his butt. "Nothing. I'm sorry. It was stupid—"

"It was more than stupid," Lyall hissed out. "Go. Just go!"

Remus disappeared down into his cellar room, curling up in bed and hugging his stuffed dog to his chest. He knew it had been a mistake to suggest they sell something from his werewolf form. Why had he even said it in the first place? He knew it was too dangerous! Yet the words had rolled off his tongue, regardless of whether he wanted them said or not. Now Lyall was furious, and he could hear his mother being upset since he assumed Lyall told her what was said. What Remus had said. What Remus had suggested in order to pay for his books.

Risking myself. Risking them. Stupid. So bloody stupid, he thought miserably, pressing his face into Gwyllgi's well-worn fur.

-x-

Dearest Remus, 22/7/73

Thank you for the letter, and thank Peter for me for allowing you the use of Cocoa. I am very sorry to hear that Arthur isn't well enough to make letter deliveries. I've included a treat for him. I've also included a 'treat' for you. I know you love double fudge chocoballs!

How have your holidays been going? How did your moon go? Hopefully better than last time. It was rainy here though I believe it was clear in your area. During that time of the month I used to think of nothing but my sister. However, since we met you fill my thoughts as well when the full moon rises.

I do wish that I could come visit you during the summer. I understand your parents' fears of having people coming into the house, though since I already know your secret I don't quite understand their decision. But it is your parents' decision and I will respect that. I'm glad to hear you're practicing your Occlumency as best you can. I'm eager to see how you are when we see one another again in September.

I'm also looking forward to training Peter and James in Occlumency as well. It's going to be interesting, to say the least. I expect Peter will be similar to you. Perhaps that is because he seems more like you than James or Sirius. Quieter, I mean. James… is going to be the interesting one. Let's hope he can sit still long enough!

In addition to the chocoballs I've also included a small vial with Floo powder. Since Arthur is not going to be able to deliver a letter, I've decided to give this to you in case of an emergency. I know the pub in Dragon's Field has access to the Floo network. If you need me please do not hesitate to come to me.

Yours always, M. Fawley

P.S. Also if anything surprising should happen in the next few days, play along with it.

-x-

Remus had no clue what the end of Miss Fawley's letter meant, but he was happy to have a letter from her. He wished she could come visit him, too. In the two years they had spent together (since Dumbledore hired her to teach him Occlumency) they had grown very close. At the end of his second year she had suggested trying to come in every week or two to keep up his Occlumency however when Remus asked his parents, neither were very pleased at the idea. Lyall had shot it down quickly, insisting he wasn't comfortable with strangers in the house. Remus tried explaining she wasn't a stranger, she was Miss Fawley, but Lyall shook his head. He was not going to have it.

Remus stared at the vial of Floo powder, knowing Lyall was the reason for the 'emergency escape'. Miss Fawley had seen in his memories Lyall disciplining him a few times and got it into her head it meant he was abusing Remus. No matter how hard he tried to dissuade her, Miss Fawley didn't believe him. Lyall was a very sore spot between them. And now she gave him a way of running away if Lyall 'abused' him again.

He shook his head and put the vial in a desk drawer then changed his mind. Sometimes his mother went through his things and he needed someplace more private.

The previous summer Remus had been hiding everything from his friends in his mattress, constantly cutting into it and mending it after. Now, though, he had a proper hiding spot.

Along one of the inner walls of his room one of the stones was loose. His father had tried to repair it when they made the cellar livable, but Lyall wasn't very good at repairing spells. He had shown it to Remus, and Remus said he'd repair it. But he hadn't. Instead he hollowed out behind it and kept his letters there. A large stack of letters from James, Sirius, Peter, Lily, and Miss Fawley. He only hid Miss Fawley's letters since he didn't want his mother seeing any mention of her opinions of Lyall.

He stuck the newest letter there along with the vial. When he pushed the stone back into place it sat perfectly flush in the wall, no sign of anything behind it.

Then Remus wrote out a reply, thanking Miss Fawley for the treat for Arthur and the chocoballs, refraining from mentioning the Floo powder. He wrote a bit about how the last few days had gone, and told her he was looking forward to September. Once the letter was done, he approached the owl she had sent his way. The owl hooted angrily when Remus came near to it and Remus nervously tried to attach the letter. Most owls… most animals didn't like him. They sensed the wolf inside of him. Arthur was the only owl that liked him, though Peter's little tawny owl Cocoa tolerated him.

"What's going on?"

Remus jumped, whirling around. "Mum! Oh, good," he said, trying not to sound nervous. Thank Merlin she caught him with a letter to Fawley instead of one of his friends! How had he not heard her come down? "Could you get this letter attached?"

"Letter?" she asked suspiciously.

"To Miss Fawley." He held it up, very happy to show off Miss Fawley's name scrawled on the front. "She asked how my Occlumency has been going." Hope frowned but attached the letter. The owl allowed her to do so then fluttered up to the window, stepping out before flying off. Remus closed his window. "What are you doing down here?"

"Do I need a reason to see you?" she teased.

"No, just… it's late."

Hope tilted her head. "Your father received a letter from Ms. Crouch. There's been an outbreak of flobberworm flu in Caerphilly so she is shutting the store down until things get a little better. Your father will be home for a while."

"Oh… okay."

Remus wasn't sure what it would be like to have his father around every day since that had never happened before, and it turned out to be awful. Lyall was extremely upset about losing a few days of work and kept storming around the house grumbling. When he wasn't complaining he was trying to fix things that needed fixed, swearing loudly whenever anything went wrong. Remus found himself tiptoeing around, trying to keep out of his father's vision since his temper was so bad.

Thursday should have been nice, since every other Thursday was Hope's knitting club. The previous time Remus was left home alone for a couple of hours, which was great. This time Lyall was home and Remus wasn't going to get any privacy. Since the weather was decent, he wound up hiding out in the woods with a book until Hope got home. He was very ready for his father to return to working! The flu was starting to get better and Lyall had said he figured by Monday he'd be able to go back.

I hope so, Remus thought Thursday night as he slid under his covers. I can't handle much more of this! He turned off his light. Also, please no nightmares tonight….

He snuggled against Gwyllgi, expecting to have them. Not a night went by anymore without nightmares. Mostly of the night he was bitten, some mixed in with the whole cave-passages thing he endured at the end of his second year, and a little of… strange… nobody's perfect sort of nightmares.

It was one of the cave ones tonight. Of nearly drowning. He felt the cold water around him, his chest feeling tight as he couldn't breathe. He kept flailing around, a stream of bubbles bursting from his lips as he tried to find the surface. He could hear someone tapping out a beat for him to follow to the surface and he kicked towards it. Tap-tap-tap! He kicked and kicked—tap-tap-tap—and kicked and—

And woke up with a gasp, legs tangled in the blanket he had been kicking at. Nightmare, he thought, slumping down. Just a nightmare.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Remus froze, slowly turning to stare at his window. It was a very cloudy night out, not giving much light. Thanks to his lycanthropy, he could see decently enough in the dark to see a shadowy figure crouched at his window.

Not an owl.

Bigger than an owl.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Remus swallowed and slid out of bed, a trembling hand reaching for his wand.

Knock-knock-knock!

Whatever was out there had gotten tired of light taps and was now rapping against the glass.

He considered lighting up his wand but—but he didn't want to give the shadowy figure an advantage. If he lit his wand the figure could see him but it would reflect off the window, making Remus unable to see out.

A shadowy figure in his room, grabbing him, jumping out the window into the waiting jaws of a wolf—

He took a step back, intending on getting his parents, when suddenly he heard his name being called.

A familiar voice.

Remus went forward, climbing up onto his dresser to open the window. "Lumos," he said, bathing the figure in a golden-y light. He stared up in shock. "Sirius?!"

Sirius Black was crouched in front of his window, a huge grin spread on his face. "Heya, Remy!"