IV
When I was young Those were such happy times Every Sha-la-la-la When they get to the part Lookin' back on how it was
I'd listen to the radio
Waitin' for my favorite songs
When they played I'd sing along
It made me smile
And not so long ago
How I wondered where they'd gone
But they're back again
Just like a long lost friend
All the songs I loved so well
Every Wo-o-wo-o
Still shines
Every shing-a-ling-a-ling
That they're startin' to sing's
So fine
Where he's breakin' her heart
It can really make me cry
Just like before
It's yesterday once more
In years gone by
And the good times that I had
Makes today seem rather sad
So much has changed
Yesterday Once More, The Carpenters
Three Weeks Later
Despite their coming to terms with Blair's outburst, the relationship had cooled to a degree, Jo needing time to get over the hurt, Blair needing time to process what and why she had blown up at Jo. That's where Dr. Michelle Matthews came into play for Blair.
"I just don't know why I went off on her like that, Michelle", Blair had confided in the therapist. "She's been nothing but sweet, caring, attentive, and so damn patient with me."
Michelle Matthews shrugged. "It's human nature, Blair", the doctor countered. "When things aren't going the way we like, we often take it out on the most convenient target-in this case, you had had a lousy day, and Jo was there."
"Yes, but I just cut her to pieces. Bringing up that I was DC's biological mom, saying she had nothing to do with it. Accusing her of being a self-appointed shadow for me. I was just so vindictive. I'll never forget the look on her face. She was really scared I was gonna throw her out into the street."
"Did she have a right to be scared, Blair?" The question was blunt, meant to make Blair think.
"I don't know", Blair said with a crestfallen face. "I hope I wouldn't be that cruel to anyone, especially someone I had a long-term relationship with."
"Why do you think you let loose on her?"
Blair thought about that for a few moments. "Because I'm mad and frustrated at myself, not being able to remember what Jo and I had? That perhaps I may never find that feeling again? Maybe because I know I've put her through her own hell?"
Michelle nodded. "I think you're on to something there, but as I've told you, you have to come to your own conclusions, I can't do that for you. What are your feelings for Jo right now, today?"
"Gratitude that she's pushed me so hard", Blair said immediately. "Amazed at how she's put up with me, being in the same house with me, knowing we were once intimate, and knowing it's killing her that we're not any longer. Awed by her strength and determination."
"Sounds like a lot of things that go into loving someone, doesn't it?" Michelle Matthews smiled at her.
"Yeah, it does, but I still..." Blair paused to gather her thoughts. "I still don't feel that intimate connection yet. I think Jo is a beautiful, very attractive woman, but the me that I am now, would I want to date her? I haven't found that spark yet. It's out there somewhere, buried in my mind, but it hasn't surfaced."
"Jo was right, you know: you're still healing, mentally, emotionally and physically. It's amazing that, despite the difference in your circumstances, how similar the cases of the two of you are."
"Jo mentioned that", Blair said with a smile. "She mentioned about how I had put her through the ringer after she was found, and how I was stubborn and refused to give up on her. I minimized the similarities of what we went through, but thinking about it, it isn't so different."
"And do you think you understand a little more of what Jo was telling you?"
"I guess I do", Blair said, truly seeing that she and Jo, and their life-changing events, weren't so different.
Even with that clarity, there was still none in shaking her memories free. She and Jo were feeling their way back to where they had been before Blair's meltdown. It hadn't been easy.
Blair had been home with David, while Jo had done some grocery shopping, also stopping by her old motorcycle dealership to visit her friends there. Blair truly hoped that whatever ended up transpiring between she and the other woman, that Jo could pursue that part of her dream. It humbled her to know that Jo had sold it off to take care of she and David, even if money wasn't a factor in it. It was that devotion that made Blair want to remember her past.
Jo came home a few hours later.
"Hey blondie", Jo said as she spied Blair and David coming out of the little boy's room. "I think we're stocked up pretty good here for a while." Jo busied herself with putting the items away, while Blair came over using her walker, David doing the same with his "DC Mobile" as his Mama Jo was calling it.
"You buy those pork ribs I saw on sale? Those looked so damn good."
"Yep", Jo said with a smile that was still someone what reserved. "I'll make 'em tonight for you if you want. I can cut some of them up for DC. I think he'd like it."
"No sauce for him, at least not yet", Blair said firmly. "We don't need a toddler with an upset stomach tonight."
"I hear you, Princess", Jo laughed, still wary of calling Blair that, not able to hide it from Blair.
True to her word, Jo slow cooked the ribs for a few hours, set some aside to cut up for David, then she put a sweet/tangy honey barbecue sauce on the rest, bringing them out for her partner and their son.
"Those smell amazing", Blair said, practically drooling. "Smells like there's a little tang to that sauce?"
"There is", Jo confirmed, "but it isn't spicy, just a BBQ kick with the honey." Jo first took the pieces cut up for David and put them on a plate in front of him. It was more like baby food than ribs, but they didn't want him choking on the shreds of pork. "There you go, champ. I can tell you're gonna be a pig-sickle kind of guy."
Blair was drinking her Pepsi and almost spit it out. "Pig-sickle?" Blair started laughing. "Where in God's name did you come up with 'pig-sickle', Jo?"
"From the TV show M*A*S*H. We watched it a lot together. There was this one episode when Hawkeye orders ribs from Chicago to be mailed to Korea, and he called them pig-sickle's."
"You know I'm gonna have to watch that episode, tonight, after we eat", Blair said, still laughing at the word and the image it engendered.
"And this here pig-sickle is calling my name right now", Jo said with a toothy grin, picking it up and tearing in to the meat.
Blair laughed again. "You are such a barbarian, Jo. The way..."
They both stopped, Blair putting down her Pepsi, Jo dropping the rib onto her plate.
"Barbarian", Blair repeated, almost to herself. "My barbarian...that's what I always called you, isn't it?"
The site of Jo starting to cry while there was barbecue sauce on her fingers and her face would have been comical if it wasn't so overwhelming to both of them. "Yeah...you did, Blair. You've called me that since we met at Eastland."
Blair's eyes shifted around in thought. "There's something...another..." She fumbled over the words, then looked back at Jo with wonder. "Grease monkey! I also always called you grease monkey!" Now Blair burst out into tears, Jo tearing around the table to hug her.
"You remember? You remember us?"
"Not everything, no", Blair admitted, "but I remember you hitting me when we were in school. I remember a time when you had your own meltdown after you came back...I can see it in my mind." She looked at Jo with a tearful smile. "I think it's starting to come back, Jo." Blair leaned in and hugged the other woman. "Oh, my God, I think I finally may be getting my memories back."
Jo realized she had put her hands with the sauce on Blair's blouse, and had smeared some of the sauce that was on her face onto Blair's when hugging her. Realizing this, Jo turned ten shade of red, holding her hands up in disgust, looking sheepishly at the blonde.
Blair exploded in laughter, David thinking it might be a good idea to laugh as well. The sudden hilarity overtook Jo and, this time, after wiping her hands and face, she gave Blair another hug, then went over to David and kissed him on the cheek.
It took a while, but the hilarity died down. The joy at this partial memory retrieval didn't. "Okay", Jo said, "I still don't want this dinner to go to waste-even though I left some on your clothes, ahem", she added, Blair laughing again, "so let's really enjoy this meal, okay? Don't sit there over-thinkin' now."
"Yes, ma'am!" Blair gave Jo a sloppy salute. "Jo?"
"Yeah, Princess?"
"Thank you for sticking with me. I still have a long way to go but...I'm glad you're going through it with me."
Jo simply nodded with a beautiful smile at Blair. "So am I, Princess, so am I."
That night after dinner, Blair called her mother to inform her of her breakthrough, Jo calling her parents, then both of them calling Mrs. Garrett. They were more optimistic now than they had been since the accident, the blow-up between them forgotten.
After David had gone to bed, Blair had gone to the bedroom to change for the evening. When she alighted from the bedroom, She saw Jo looking out the window in the living room to the street outside, obviously deep in thought. Blair came up behind her with her walker, stopping and gently putting a hand on Jo's shoulder.
"Penny for your thoughts?"
Jo didn't jump, even though she hadn't heard Blair come up, instead she smiled, grasping the hand on her shoulder. "Just thinkin' again that despite everything, how damn lucky I am, Princess. Yeah, we've lost some things, but I think back where I was all those years ago-in dark alleys, or in homeless shelters, shooting up, wanting to die, but thinking of you all those years, and then what we're going through now. I'm still luckier than ninety nine percent of the people on this planet."
"So am I, Jo", Blair said, Jo squeezing her hand. "Come sit down with me?"
Jo joined Blair on the couch. Without being beckoned, Blair moved to hug Jo, then leaning against Jo's chest, both of them closing their eyes, feeling a peace that neither had felt in months. "To think what I said to you not long ago, Jo. What an idiot I was."
"And that's different in what way?"
Blair snorted a laugh, hitting Jo on the arm. "You are a barbarian, aren't you?"
"God, I love hearing you call me that again", Jo said with thick emotion. "But put that fight outta your mind, Blair. I think there's some light at the end of a tunnel."
"Better not be a freight train", Blair said sardonically.
"I don't think it is this time, sweetie", Jo responded seriously. "I think you're getting there. We both knew, after you woke up, it wouldn't happen overnight, but it just shows how damn close I came to losing you forever. I get shivers thinking about that."
"You know, I may never walk normally again, Jo", Blair noted, snuggling a little closer to Jo. "I also won't probably have full range in my left arm any longer, and I may not ever remember everything from my past, but you know what?"
"What?"
Blair sat up and looked into Jo's eyes. "There's no place I'd rather be right now than here." She leaned in and gave a gentle kiss on the lips. "I'm still not there, but if you just stick with me, I think I'll get there."
"I do love you, Princess", Jo said, something she hadn't said out loud to Blair since the accident. "I know you're not to that point with me, but I'm never giving up on you."
"Don't ever give up on me, Jo. I think we just might make it."
They ended up falling asleep in that position for hours, with smiles on their faces.