Finally, we get some idea why Christian is acting like this. I'll leave you to it. See you at the bottom!

Chapter 3

Christian

September 2016

I stare out the window of my hotel in Tokyo. The sun is beginning to rise. My phone buzzes on the table, flashing Ana's name and her beautiful face onto my screen. I've lost track of how many times she's tried to call today. But like the bastard I am, I just let it ring.

My goal to make GEH carbon neutral necessitated more on-the-ground work for me in terms of acquisitions. Making a company as large as mine more sustainable meant every facet needed to be re-evaluated, and it's resulting in a temporary loss of profit. So, to compensate for that, I'm having to twist more arms. I'm currently after a Japanese telecommunications company that could be big for us.

You're full of shit, Grey. You have a mergers and acquisitions team for this. You're here because you're avoiding your wife.

It was a conundrum even to me. I selfishly couldn't get enough of her, but I was avoiding her.

I knew she was exceptional from the moment I laid eyes on her, but ever since Teddy and Phoebe were born, Ana has proven herself to be Wonder Woman. She's the most loving, caring, hands-on mother, she's a devoted, attentive wife, she runs Grey Publishing with the finesse and instincts of a businesswoman decades her senior, and she still manages to turn every head in any room she enters.

You'd think I'd realize I'm the luckiest piece of shit in the world.

No matter what, Ana always has more love to give. She accepts me, even embraces me, for everything that I am. But she could do so much fucking better. Eventually, watching her be everything and more for someone as undeserving as me felt wrong to be doing if I love her, which, by God, I do.

In the beginning, all I cared about was getting her and keeping her. I was selfish enough for that. I just wanted her. But now I find myself questioning if it's wrong of me to be with her when I know she could be happier without me, and if it's the ultimate act of love to let her go.

I voiced these thoughts to Flynn almost a year ago. He tried telling me that this was my self-loathing flaring up, that all Ana wants or expects from me is my love and that's enough for her. He stressed that leaving her would hurt her because she chooses to love me with her eyes open. He doesn't understand, or he's the one choosing not to see what's right in front of him. I stopped seeing him over it. I can't keep trying to explain to him why I don't deserve her. I thought he'd understand, given the mountains of shit from my psyche that I've dumped on him over the years, but he refuses to hear it.

My phone buzzes again, distracting me from my dark thoughts. My baby is calling again. I sigh.

Ana isn't making it easy. She loves so fiercely, even someone as futile as me. She calls, texts, emails. She tries to get me to come home more often and stay longer when I'm there. She would never push me, but she makes her desire for more time with me clear. I can tell that my absence is weighing her down.

I find myself so confused all the time. I'm filled with anger and despair at the thought of her really moving on with someone else, but relieved at the same time that she might have the opportunity to find someone of her equal. I'm almost angry at her for being so wonderful that I have to go to these lengths just to push her away. At this point, I don't even know if I've consciously decided to let her go. I just know I'm being a rat bastard to her and sometimes I don't even know why.

I miss her and our children to the point of pain. It's like part of me is missing. I miss lying with her pulled against my chest every night and seeing those big blue eyes open every morning, being greeted by a glowing smile just for me. I miss Teddy jumping into bed with us on the weekends. I miss Phoebe reaching her arms up in her crib when she sees me. Every day, I'm missing so much of them and they're so young. But I know exactly what it's like to have a parent who isn't worth being one. I think I'm sparing them even if they miss me in the moment.

After dwelling on this a little more, I make a deal with myself. If I can make GEH fully green, I'll be making the world a better place. I'll be one step closer to deserving her and our family. But until then, I'm giving her the out.

My phone buzzes again. Resolved to what I need to do, I finally answer it.

"Grey."

"…Christian? It's, uh… it's me. I've been calling."

My heart stutters then picks up in double time at the sound of her sweet voice. "I've been busy."

"Oh… I'm sorry. I just want a moment. Do you know when you're coming home? Teddy has been asking and I think Phoebe is missing her favorite face in the morning," she rambles.

I sigh heavily. "No, I don't know when."

She pauses. "Well… do you know when you'll know? Or what has to happen so that you'll know?"

"Look, Ana, even if this job finishes up, there will be another. So no, I don't know exactly when I'll be free to just laze around at home."

I hear her sharp intake of breath and it registers like a knife in my chest. "No, I… that's not what I meant. I know what you're doing is important, but… aren't we important, Christian? Your family?"

Her words cut at me. I take a deep breath and go in for the kill. "What do you want from me, Anastasia? I'm trying to change the world. It's not about you. I thought you'd understand that."

"I… I just…"

Hearing her broken whisper, I can't bear to keep the charade up anymore, so I just hang up.

If I'm going to put this plan into place, I'll have to keep away from her. I can't do this if I have to watch her fall apart, see her and my children and have that physical reminder of what I'm giving up.

I will set her free. I have to show her the monster so she can be free. One day, she'll see.

Until then, I feel the hot tear rolling down my cheek as I look at my Ana album on my phone. Like I do every waking moment I can.

No matter where she goes, it'll always only be her for me.

Maybe we'll have a chance again once I can get this done. Maybe then I can be enough.

March 2017

Ros regards me with barely concealed disdain as I sit across from her. We are in a hotel in New York and we've just finished a collaborative meeting with other green companies detailing the finalized sustainable changes being made to the main headquarters of GEH in Seattle. Everything has finally been accounted for, from our power sources down to what kind of paperclips we use.

"So, how's Ana?" she asks. She is fully aware that I'm freezing out my wife, though of course she doesn't know why, but she's never actually addressed it with me.

You can't even remember why. This is fucking stupid. You love her.

"I imagine she's fine."

"Christian, what the ever-loving fuck is wrong with you?"

This surprises me. Ros is well known for calling me out on my shit, but this is a new level. "Excuse me?"

"Let me say this as simply as possible. You are married to a perfect human. She has the biggest heart in the world, she pops out perfect angel babies and still looks like a supermodel, she runs a company and still has time to make both of said angel babies happy with zero nannies, and she doesn't say boo about you running around the world and ignoring her. So I repeat, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Maybe our relationship isn't what it seems, Ros." On my side, anyway.

"Don't give me that shit. You and Ana gave each other nothing but goo-goo eyes for years and then all of a sudden, you were declining all of her calls and never going home. Are you saying she did something?"

I wince at the way she describes my neglect. "No, she didn't do anything. I guess things just… don't work out sometimes." I really have no idea how to justify this shit to someone else. I can hardly justify it to myself anymore. Fuck.

"You're a real fucking bastard sometimes, you know that? She adores you and you've just decided you're not that into her anymore? The least you can do is be honest with her instead of never talking to her. Hell, does she even try to call you anymore?"

The calls had tapered off about six months ago after my trip to Tokyo. She gets updates on my whereabouts from Andrea or Taylor now. "No. And it's not that I'm not into her…" I can feel the dam about to break.

"Then what the fuck is it?"

"Ros, just fucking drop it. This is none of your business. I don't deserve her and I fucking know it."

"You don't deserve her now, that's for damn sure. But you used to be husband of the year. The sun revolved around Ana to you and she fucking felt it. Do you even see your kids anymore? Teddy and Phoebe, remember them? Perfect angel babies with 50% of your DNA?"

"Gail sends photos," I mutter. "And we FaceTime. I see them when I'm in town."

"So every couple months then?" Ros sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose. "Look, Christian, I don't know where this 'poor me, I don't deserve my perfect hot wife' shit came from, but you easily could deserve her. All she wants is you and it's pretty clear that she's fucking miserable without you. Anyone could tell that just from her paparazzi photos. She's lost weight she didn't have to lose and her eyes are just vacant. You two were stupidly happy together before you decided to give her the cold shoulder. But if you don't want to be with her, don't fucking drag this out anymore. Let her go and find someone who will actually talk to her."

The thought of Ana with another man makes my fists automatically clench. Sure, this is the same shit my inner monologue has been saying for all this time, but hearing it from another's mouth is a whole different thing.

"Goddamn it. You're right. I need to fucking wake up," I say, more to myself than to Ros.

"Halle-fucking-lujah! Let's just hope you didn't completely fuck it up." With that, Ros heads to her hotel room to pack. The jet is leaving in a few hours and we'll be back in Seattle by early tomorrow morning.

What the fuck am I doing? I've barely heard a word from the love of my life for the past six months and it took a fucking dressing-down from my COO for me to wake the fuck up? GEH is already well on track to becoming green. There's no discernible excuse for me to be doing this much work anymore.

It's like a wrecking ball smashes through my psyche. I need to be with my wife. I need to be her husband. I need to be my children's father. I need to be with my family and that's all that matters. I know I'm a piece of shit, but I'm a piece of shit who fucking loves his wife and family and needs to start acting like it.

Quickly, I make plans. As soon as I land in Seattle, I'm going to Grey House to delegate this shit. GEH will be carbon neutral, but I don't have to fucking do it all myself anymore. I have a marriage to save.

I grab my phone and scroll through my contacts to a number I haven't called in a long time. As it rings, I pray to whatever deity might be living in the sky that I get through.

"Christian? Is this a wrong number?"

I exhale in relief. "No, John, it's not. I fucked up. I need help."

Dr. Flynn takes a long pause. "Look, I have some time now, but something tells me this is going to be a much longer conversation than one phone call will be able to cover. So I have to know if you're willing to really do the work, Christian."

"Yes. God, I'll do anything. Anything." I have to save my family. I have to get her back.

"Okay. Time will tell. What's going on?"

These days, Taylor ignores me unless I address him. I can feel the disapproval at my actions rolling off of him most of the time. I can't even find it in me to be mad at him for it, because I'm so wrapped up in my own cloud of doom most of the time trying not to call my wife.

"Taylor?" I get his attention as we buckle our seatbelts.

"Sir?" he replies impassively.

"I… I've been a real fucking idiot. But it ends today. I want Ana. I want my family. And I want to apologize for dragging you along in this mess all this time." My palms are sweaty. I'm Christian Grey, self-made billionaire, and I'm quaking in my fucking boots trying to apologize to someone.

Taylor smirks. "I'm glad to hear it, sir. I appreciate your apology and I wish you and Mrs. Grey the best going forward."

Me too.

As we land in Seattle, I couldn't be more nervous. I haven't laid eyes on my wife or children for weeks. I barely speak to Ana. I can't actually recall the last time I heard her voice. I usually leave whatever communication is absolutely necessary to go through others.

How could I have let things get to this point? I feel like I'm in withdrawal.

As we walk onto the tarmac, Ros squeals when she sees Gwen standing there waiting for her. I watch the two women embrace and my chest throbs as I walk to my waiting, empty car. Ana used to be so anxious for me to return from trips, she'd always be waiting on the tarmac too. Sometimes she'd bring the kids, even when they were tiny. I loved that. Being away from any of them was torture.

And now you're just getting back from a self-imposed exile, you goddamn idiot.

The car ride home goes by in a blur as my anxiety climbs with every passing mile. When Taylor pulls up in front of the house, I think I nearly flatline. She's in there. My lifeline. My everything.

I take a deep breath, exit the car, and open the front door.

Immediately, I hear tiny frantic footsteps and a whirlwind with copper-colored hair rounds the corner into the foyer. "Daddy!"

I drop to my knees and catch him, tears pricking at my eyes. My little boy. He's changed so much since the last time I saw him. I swallow the guilt and just close my eyes and hold him to me.

Then I feel a certain electricity enter the room. I open them and see the living, breathing goddess herself. God, she's stunning.

Teddy registers her presence as well and runs up to her, grabbing her hand. "Mommy, look! Daddy's back. He's back!" He tows her over to me.

I pull Teddy back to me and stand with him in my arms, all while hypnotized by those crystal-clear blue eyes that I see every time I close mine. Her expression is fairly blank, maybe bordering on confusion, but she's never looked more beautiful to me.

"Daddy?" Teddy looks at his mother and then back to me. "Kiss Mommy hello?"

Ana immediately freezes and looks down, breaking our eye contact. No, please. Come back. "Teddy, I'm going to go check on baby sister so she can have pancakes too." She kisses Teddy's cheek, my heart rate spikes as her scent washes over me, and then she's gone.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. This is even worse than I thought. She can't stand to be near me.

As I go into panic mode, I'm vaguely aware of my son's chattering as he yanks me towards the kitchen. Gail is flipping pancakes. She gives me a very hollow smile. "Mr. Grey."

I sigh. "Hello, Gail." Teddy has paused his monologue and is looking up at me, just smiling like he can't believe he's really seeing me. It tears at my heart.

"Ted, I'm just going to go check on Mommy and Phoebe, okay? I'll be back in one minute."

He nods warily and I bend and give him a kiss on his head, then bound up the stairs to my daughter's room, as quickly and as quietly as possible.

I linger in the doorway and see Ana smiling and snuggling her mini-me. She again freezes and turns around to see me. My breath catches in my throat.

Phoebe looks at me inquisitively and points. "Daddy?" she asks Ana.

Pure, unadulterated guilt washes through me. My daughter is so young and she's spent her formative years thus far looking at her father on a screen. You fucking idiot.

"Yes, babydoll, Daddy," Ana murmurs, with eyes only for Phoebe. She walks forward and places her into my arms then goes to make a quick retreat. Oh, no, you don't.

I reach out and grasp her hand. Her skin feels warm and soft and just right against mine. God, I've missed her. "Ana, can we talk? Just us?" I plead.

She looks at me with a poker face fit for Vegas. "Sure. After they eat, please." She firmly removes her hand from mine and disappears down the stairs.

Phoebe wriggles in my arms to face me and puts a chubby hand on my face. Her wide, guileless grey eyes stare up at me. "Daddy," she says again, like a confirmation.

"Hello, my princess," I choke out and hold her tighter. She still has the baby smell Ana always talks about. I inhale a fortifying breath of it and walk downstairs, guided by the smell of blueberry pancakes.

Teddy is talking to Ana about a friend he made at preschool while she smiles down at him and cuts his pancakes. I locate Phoebe's highchair and attempt to strap her in, but Ana appears and takes over, not even sparing me a glance. I stare at her profile for a moment before Teddy summons me to sit next to him, and I'm all too happy to oblige.

Teddy keeps us from descending into silence. Ana studiously ignores me and attends to Phoebe. To anyone, she would appear like a relaxed mother spending time with her daughter, but I know her body well enough to see the tension radiating off of her.

Soon enough, Teddy cleans his plate and ambles off to enjoy other four-year-old activities. I watch Ana as she lovingly gazes at Phoebe, who is gingerly eating her pancakes with a fork. I feel the guilt creeping up again as I realize Phoebe wasn't using utensils yet the last time I saw her. I've missed so much.

When I do break out of my thoughts, I realize that I'm alone in the kitchen. I see in the great room that Phoebe has joined her brother on the couch, who has a protective arm placed around her and is telling her all about the characters on screen. My heart feels like it breaks all over again watching them together, the two products of our love.

I go off in search of my wife and find her picking up stuffed animals around Teddy's bed. She doesn't look at me, just continues her task. "Ana? Can we talk in our bedroom?"

"Okay," she mumbles, putting the toys down on the bed and sweeping past me towards the bedroom. She busies herself making our bed, which I notice only one has side messy from sleep, then finally sits down on the edge and gazes at me, presumably waiting for me to talk.

I swallow the lump in my throat. "I need to go into the office today." To give all my work to other people so I can win you back and spend the rest of my life with you.

She looks like she has a bad taste in her mouth for a second, but quickly recovers. "Okay."

I feel my hands in my hair, a familiar stress response. Shit, I have no idea what to say to her. "I… I was hoping you could bring the kids over for lunch. We could spend some time together, all of us?"

She blinks, furrows her brow for a moment, then simply says, "Okay." She looks down at her hands folded in her lap. "Was there anything else?"

It feels like I'm being stabbed in the chest every time you can't meet my eyes. "Ana, look, I… I know that things haven't been right lately…" Understatement of the century, Grey. "…but I want us to talk about that."

She looks up, some spark finally reflected in her eyes. "I want us to talk about that too, actually. But I can't right now. The kids and I always spend the day together on Saturday and they're already waiting. If it's possible for you to be home tonight, I would like to do so sooner rather than later."

My world feels like it's crashing down around me. She already has something in mind to discuss and my gut is telling me that can't be good. "Of course I'll be home tonight… I want to have dinner with them and help with bedtime."

"I'm sure they'll like that," she says, returning her gaze to her hands.

I try to think of something else to say, anything that could alleviate the tension between us, but she gets up and exits the room before I can.

I move into the closet and change into a different suit. I don't bother to look in the mirror. I don't think I could stand to see that bastard right now.

As I head downstairs, I hear my son asking where I am and suddenly I wonder how many times that's happened over the last year. "We'll see Daddy again at lunchtime. We're going to go to his office. Would you like to get dressed up like a big boy to go downtown?" Ana asks patiently.

I stand and watch her. She smiles at our children and moves towards the couch to sit with them. I blink back the stinging in my eyes and head towards the car where Taylor is waiting. The status quo is about to change, baby. I promise.

A/N: I was going to try to wait a little longer to post this, but you're so persuasive! I have some things to do today so I decided to post early so I don't forget and leave you hanging off that cliff from last time.

So, my friends, Christian is still very much in love with Ana. Though I have much respect for the original books, I always thought they glossed over Christian's residual trauma way too quickly. Unfortunately, those things don't just go away just because you fall in love. I wanted to explore what it might be like for Christian and Ana if those demons reared their heads again down the road. We'll explore this even more later, such as what might have happened to trigger Christian to go to such drastic lengths. Any ideas?

By the way, I did a little bit of research into how corporations can become more sustainable, so I tried to include some of that in here to the best of my ability. I don't like talking out of my ass lol.

Next, we'll see more Christian POV... including what happened with Lena behind closed doors. Please let me know your thoughts on today's chapter and thank you for being here!