They tried it again- the night out. He'd told her to be ready at six and, like always, she was. He'd told her it was nothing fancy. She wasn't one for a lot of fuss, his Lizzie. He'd learned, hadn't he, that she just wanted his time and his attention. So he gave her both. He got her a bite to eat. He took her dancing. He took her to the cinema for a show. And she smiled. Fuck, it'd been awhile since he'd seen Lizzie smile for him, for something he'd done for her.
The next day he took her for a walk about the property. She told him stories about when she was a girl. About her dream to have a place of her own- one no one could take from her. He'd told her about France- in fits and starts- about the boys and the horses. He wanted to tell her about the tunnels. He'd never wanted to tell anyone about the tunnels. Not since Grace.
It didn't feel like a betrayal- sharing something with Lizzie that he'd given to Grace. It didn't feel wrong to hold Lizzie's hand as they walked about. It felt easy. It felt right. The feeling of her being his wife- truly and for the right reasons- was easy, too. The guilt was faded, now. The ache of losing Grace, of missing Grace- it was less. And without the guilt, without the ache, he could give Lizzie the things a wife deserved. He could give her himself.
She was still a bit wary at times, even after being back a few months. Tommy would catch her watching him sometimes and he'd see it- the questions she wasn't asking. She still thought a night out was for business rather than for them, but he was working on it. He'd decided- one day she'd have no doubts. But in the meantime he kept taking her out for walks and for dances. He kept popping in to see her during the day instead of locking himself in his office. He kept holding her hand and giving her little kisses for no reason except he wanted to. And fuck, wasn't it something to just want to.
The door to his office opened and Tommy glanced up in annoyance. Standing in the door was Ruby, tears in her eyes. Pushing back his chair, Tommy held out his hand. "What's this, then?" Ruby came over to his desk. Picking up his girl, Tommy set her on his lap. "Now. What's the matter, Little One?"
Ruby snuggled closer, head resting on his chest. "I was runnin' and I fell. And it made my foot go the wrong way. And now it hurts and mum went to see Auntie Ada and I can't find nanny Sarah. And it was hurtin' really bad and Charlie told me to find you. So I came and found you and then that's it." Tommy shifted a bit to move the papers on his desk out of the way. Then he sat Ruby on the desk. "Not s'posed to sit on the tables."
Tommy glanced up from taking Ruby's shoes off. "Yeah, well special circumstance, eh?" Ruby nodded. Tommy pulled off her little stocking so he could see her foot. It was swelling up already. "Wiggle the toes?" She did. He pressed his fingers around her ankle a bit, though he knew it hurt, but nothing felt out of place under the swelling. He figured it probably wasn't broken, just a sprain. "Alright, Miss Ruby," he said as he let go of her foot. "Seems we've got a bit of a bad foot." Ruby's eyes went wide and the tears that she'd kept from falling were suddenly spilling down her cheeks.
"No! No, Daddy! I don't a want to get shot!"
Tommy froze, trying to understand what Ruby was on about. Had someone threatened her? Was someone outside? He turned to look out the window, but there was no one about. He looked back at his girl. Her little hands were gripping onto his waistcoat tight, her eyes were turning red and getting puffy from crying. He put a hand on her head and ran his fingers through her hair like he did to calm Lizzie. "No one's getting shot. No one's gonna shoot you, Ruby, I won't let 'em."
But she just shook her head, tears leaving damp spots on her cheeks and clothes. "But when the horse got a bad foot, you told the man to shoot it. And when the dog got a bad leg you told the man to shoot it, too." Tommy took in a deep breath. He remembered the times she was talking about. He hadn't thought she was paying any attention at the time. Hadn't thought she'd understand. "Daddy, please don't tell the man to shoot me. I'm better, I promise, see?" She wiggled her toes again even though he knew it hurt her to do it.
"Stop, stop it, Rue. It's alright. The man's not gonna shoot you, promise." He sat back down in his chair so he was closer to Ruby's height. "The horse's foot wasn't gonna get better and she was always hurting. And the dog's leg wasn't gonna get better either. Didn't want them to be hurting forever and it not get better, right?" Ruby sniffled and nodded. "Right. But you, my girl, you'll be better in a few days. And it'll stop hurting soon, too."
Ruby wiped her face with a clumsy little hand. Her eyes were big and round and she looked so like her mother it was a bit eerie. "So the man isn't gonna shoot me." Tommy shook his head. "And i can still play?" He nodded. Ruby sat for a bit, and he could imagine this was the look Lizzie meant when she said Ruby looked like him. "Okay. But it still hurts now."
Stepping over to the door, Tommy looked into the hall. The nanny was just coming down the stairs, "Sarah, Ruby's sprained her ankle. Run to the kitchen and bring a bit of ice here." The woman rushed off, and Tommy went back to Ruby. "Nanny Sarah's brining some ice to make the hurt feel a bit better." Picking up Ruby, Tommy moved over to the short sofa and settled in with his girl. "We'll lay here for a bit, yeah?"
Sarah brought the ice and a cloth. Tommy wrapped Ruby's ankle. They laid back on the sofa, Tommy's legs hanging over the edge. Ruby sprawled over his chest. He didn't know when they'd fallen asleep, but Lizzie was there when he woke up. The ice on Ruby's ankle had been replaced and a blanket was draped over the two of them. "Leave for a few hours and this is what I come back to? Melted ice and a broken kid." Tommy held out his hand and Lizzie slid hers into it. She nodded toward a still sleeping Ruby. "What happened?"
Tommy glanced down at Ruby. "Fell and got a sprain running around." Lizzie nodded. "Thought I'd have the groom shoot her." He almost smirked at the way Lizzie startled. "The horse and the dog." Understanding settled over Lizzie's face and Tommy did smile then.
"Stop scaring my kid, Tommy."
She was teasing, he knew she was, but he remembered a time when Ruby was scared of him. And it wasn't all that long ago. He let go of Lizzie and ran his hand over his face. It was strange, how he'd loved Ruby but done such a shit job of it. He'd looked at her and seen Lizzie and it had kept him from seeing anything else. Now he looked at her and saw all the things Lizzie had told him- all the things he'd barely cared about. He loved his daughter. He wanted her clothed and fed, safe and cared for. But it'd been a distant thing, before. It'd been a love removed from having to actually know her.
All because she was Lizzie's and not Grace's.
"Where'd you go, Tommy?"
He opened his eyes and looked at Lizzie. Really looked at her. She'd always been there. She'd always been good and strong and smart. She'd always been kinder than he deserved and put up with more of his shit than she deserved. And he'd told her she wasn't enough. He'd told her she'd never be enough. Even though she always had been. John had seen it. Arthur had seen it. Even Polly had come around after a while. And him, the one who knew her best had been too stubborn to let himself see her.
"Why'd you come back?"
She didn't ask when. She didn't ask what he meant. She didn't look away or try to brush the question off. She would have, before. But he wouldn't have asked before. Or if he did it would have been to hurt her. Now, though, he asked because he couldn't understand her. He asked because it was safer and better and easier for her to stay away. Six months she'd been without him. And she'd looked better. He'd heard her laughing with Polly and Ada in the office. He'd seen her out with people that weren't him. And she'd looked happy and light.
Lizzie sighed, then she settled on the floor before meeting his gaze. "I came back because I knew I could leave." His eyes narrowed a bit at that. He didn't like it- the idea of Lizzie leaving again. But he kept quiet. Because if anyone had a reason to leave him behind, it'd be this woman. Lizzie's head fell back as she set her words in order. He'd watched her do it in the office, when he'd have her type a letter and she'd have to make it sound a bit posher than he how he'd said it.
After a long moment she lifted her head and looked at him again. "I'd loved you for so long. I'd been hurt by you for so long. But I stayed, didn't I? I stayed and I took it and I told myself it'd get better. If I didn't want too much. If I didn't bother you. If I kept Ruby from underfoot." Tommy forced himself not to look away from her. He forced himself to face her pain, her truth. "Because I loved you, sure. But also because you were safe. I knew you. I knew your family. Yours was the closest thing to family I'd had in a long time."
He knew that. He remembered her mother's funeral. He remembered her father getting on a train and leaving Lizzie barefoot at the station with nothing but a coat and herself. She'd barely survived those first few months, he remembered. Pol had given her a pair of shoes. Mrs. Weatherby had found an old dress for her. And then the men had given her coin- in exchange for her taking the dress off.
"You gave me a way out. Gave me something other than whoring to do." She was wrong. It was Lizzie who'd taken the typing course. It was Lizzie who decided to get out, she just hadn't found the opportunity yet. "Being your secretary- your wife… It was a dream. Being able to use my head instead of my cunt. Being able to hold my head up in the grocer's. I couldn't give up. And what if things went bad? What if something happened and I had to go back to whoring? No, it was safer with you no matter how it hurt."
"But then you left."
She nodded. "Yeah. I did. For her," she said nodded towards the girls curled into Tommy's side. "She needed a mum who was in one piece. She needed to see what a good husband looks like and she wouldn't if I stayed the way things were. Because I'll be damned if she thinks our marriage is what marriage should be. So I left."
"Why'd you come back, Lizzie?"
She pulled her knees up and let her head rest on them. "Because Ruby missed Charlie. She missed nanny Sarah and the horses. Because I missed Charlie. And if I'd left once and been alright, I could go again if things weren't better. Pol or Ada'd bring Charlie if I asked. Your uncle Charlie'd let her ride one of the horses at the yard. She'd be fine. And if I wasn't around you, if I found someone else," Tommy tensed at that- at the idea of Lizzie having someone else. "Well, she'd see what a good marriage looks like with love and respect and affection. All the things she wouldn't see if I stayed with you the way things were."
"But things are better, eh?" She nodded and Tommy felt like he could take a breath. "You were right to leave. And I was wrong to have made you." He watched her, the way she still didn't believe the nice things he said. The way she still didn't trust him to mean it. But it wasn't as bad now. Maybe that's why he said it then- because he knew she wouldn't quite believe it. Because it was less frightening if only he knew it was true. "You know, don't you? That I love you? You know it, right, Lizzie?" She didn't. She didn't and she didn't pretend she did.
But he'd said it. He'd said it to her and now he could start making her believe it.
That night was different. He wasn't drunk. He wasn't high. When he touched Lizzie it was just the two of them in the room and just her in his head. She kissed him and he kissed her back. He touched her, slowly, properly, taking in everything he'd never paid attention to before. Like the beauty mark just on the inside of her thigh. Like the way her eyes turned a darker shade of green when he tugged her hair just so. Like how fucking sweet her cunt tasted- sweet and sharp and so very Lizzie.
He noticed everything that night. The way her thighs shook when she was trying not to come. The way her breath caught when his tongue flicked across her nipple. The sharp sting of her nails biting into his skin- he loved it. Loved the way she sighed and moaned and whispered his name as he moved inside her. Loved the way she scratched and bit and cried when he had her right on the edge but wouldn't let her fall over it.
Because she was fucking lovely, his wife. All needy and wet and aching for him. She was fucking perfect, his Lizzie. All tight and warm and smiling. And he couldn't let it end yet. Not when he was just getting to see it- really see it- for the first time. He fucked her hard and fast, then soft and slow, and then some mix in between. He tasted blood from biting his tongue to keep from coming yet.
"Tommy…Tommy…Tommy…" And wasn't that just the more perfect sound? He shifted his weight a bit, hiked her leg up a bit higher, got a deeper angle. "Tom, oh fuck, Tommy please. Please, I'm so close." And she was, he could feel it- how tight she gripped him. But he pressed his forehead to hers, shook his head. God, the way she whined, so sweet, just for him.
He pulled back, sat up on his knees and pulled her up too. Her arms draped over his shoulders and her head fell back. He licked the line of her throat. Nipped the sharp edge of her jaw. His hands settled on her hips, guiding her up and down his cock. Not letting her go too fast, though he knew she wanted to. "Not yet. Not yet, Lizzie." She lifted her head and met his eyes. Her breathing was unsteady, and her hair was a bit mussed but he'd never seen a lovelier sight than her in that moment.
She gave a shaky nod of her head. Bit her lip and closed her eyes as he pulled her down particularly roughly. His lips found her, tongue tangled with hers. A hand wrapped around her neck, fingers speared into her hair. To keep her close, to keep her with him. And it was so fucking good- the two of them together. Him and his pretty Lizzie.
Then he felt it. The way her cunt went tighter, the way her breathing stopped, the way her head fell back and her nails drew blood. He pulled back a bit so he could see it- see her as she came. Fucking perfect. Chest heaving, lips parted, tears caught in her lashes. And this was his. She was fucking his. "Tommy!" Her voice, high and needy and breathless, sent him over.
"Fuck! Fuck, Lizzie, fuck!" His arms banded tight around her, holding her to keep himself together. Some things never changed. White spots danced before his eyes and he struggled to catch his breath, to keep them both steady. His cock ached from coming so hard. And every little twitch of her hips, every little pulse of her cunt made it better and worse. Because, fuck, he wanted to stay like that forever.
It took a bit before he could think enough to loosen his grip. Before he could think to lay her down again. He followed a moment later, arms reaching to pull her into him. Then it was the sound of her catching her breath. The feel of her, warm and solid, beside him. And after a while of silence Lizzie turned over to face him, her hand coming to rest on his sun tattoo she loved so much. "It's never been like that with us before." He held her a bit tighter.
"No."
She traced the lines of his tattoo, then down to his navel. "Why not, do you think?" And with anyone else, it'd have been a dig at him. Anyone else it'd have been them rubbing his mistakes in his face. But not Lizzie. And that was almost worse. Because he knew what was different. "Tommy?" She tilted her head back to look at him a bit better. "Why do you think it felt so different this time?"
"It felt like this when I was with Grace." He winced when he felt Lizzie tense. She pulled away and he almost reached for her. Because it wasn't like she was thinking. He'd been with her- Lizzie- for every single second of things that night. But he let her have the bit of space. "It felt like this with Greta, too." He turned and saw Lizzie watching him- wary, but maybe coming around to see his meaning. "It always feels better when you love someone- when they love you back. And I love you back."
Lizzie stared at him for a long time. Stared, and didn't say anything. But he watched her. He watched as the wariness faded- slowly, so fucking slowly. He watched as the hope grew just that little bit stronger, then stronger still. And as much as he wanted to pull her to him, as much as he wished he could go back and undo all the things that had made her so reluctant to trust him, he couldn't. She had to come to him on her own. He had to let her come to him- let her trust him again- on her own.
Slowly she laid back down. Slowly, she slid back over to him. And after a while, a long while, she let her hand rest on his chest again. After a while she let her legs tangle with his again. And he knew she still wasn't sure. He knew she still didn't quite believe him- he'd been holding on to Grace for too many years for Lizzie to trust him yet. But he'd keep showing her that she could trust him.
For now, she let him hold her, and that was enough.
It wasn't until he was nearly asleep that he realized.
Lizzie hadn't tapped.
Not once.