Time for Clary and Deeks to talk about Wes. Two people that want to help the same person, but having two vastly different relationships with said person. Nope. This is totally going to go well.

I hope you enjoy!

Warnings: Talks about murder and death, talks about depression, child abuse, underaged drinking. Still in the process of writing so check here for new warnings as I go!

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Running a hand over his face Deeks watched the lights from the TV flickering over the wall of the kitchen. All he wanted to do was sit there and watch and forget about the shitty day that he had. Just focus all of his energy on the lights. Maybe if he did that he could stop himself from thinking it was a good idea to bash his head into a wall until he passed out. That or they'd soothe him until he fell asleep. As long as he was unconscious and no longer thinking he'd be fine.

He couldn't believe that the day had turned out as badly as it did. When he had woke up that morning he had actually been excited to start the day. Callen was going to be joining him in the office and that was always something that he enjoyed. It wasn't as if they didn't spend a lot of time together, but there was something about being there that made it feel different. Feel like before.

There were points in time when he really missed the life he used to have. Running around with the team, taking down bad guys, protecting innocent people. There was nothing quite like it. He was never going to be able to do that again and he had come to terms with it. He liked the life he had been able to build for himself away from that.

In his office though, when he was looking at case files and figuring out the next step he needed to take to protect people, it felt similar. On the days that Callen decided to join him though it felt like so much more. Like he hadn't lost himself. Like he was still a part of the team that he had lost all those years ago. Like he still mattered.

He knew that it might not be the best way to think about it given how easy it was for him to just completely stop when he lose his hearing. Nate had told him time and time again that he needed to stop believing that his worth was tied to his work and to his old life. It was a process that he was still trying to figure out, but he thought he was getting a little better. At least he hoped he was.

Deeks found himself shaking his head at that. He had really started to think of his office as a safe place for him. The world always seemed to stop for a moment and he could just get lost in whatever he was doing. Even on the days that Callen was there it was as if he was transported back to the past for a moment and he could just breathe. Until today that was.

Standing up he made his way to the refrigerator and pulled out a pitcher of lemonade. His eyes quickly flickered over the bottles of beer that were there and his fingered itched to grab one. It wasn't as if he was going to get drunk or anything like that from one beer. He would be perfectly fine and it might even help him feel sleepy enough to go to bed.

Expect he knew that it wouldn't be just one beer. It was never just one when his head was the way that it was. He wasn't an alcoholic. Not by any means. He knew though. He knew that it would be easy for him to fall into the bottle like his father had. So to be safe he had promised himself that he would never drink when he was feeling like he wanted to avoid all the thoughts in his head.

There had been a point in time when he wondered if he had been the problem. When he was younger he hadn't given any credit to that thought, and he still didn't, but now that he had children himself it was harder to just throw the thought away either. It was possible that having a child like him had pushed a man already close to the edge over it until he snapped.

He could still remember all the times his mother told him stories of the man his father had been before he was born. How he had would always walk her home from work no matter what time she went in. How he used to carry around strawberry lollipops in his pockets because they were her favorite. How he never failed to make her laugh even when she felt like her heart was breaking.

He always remembered all the stories she told about how he'd been when he was younger. How he used to cry for hours on end until he passed out from exhaustion when he was a baby. How he threw fits so often she couldn't even take him to the store without him breaking a display when he had been a toddler. How he had been an absolute nightmare for them.

There was a part of him that almost dismissed everything she had said about him as a kid. Yes, they were rough and he had no doubt that it was difficult for the both of them raising him, but the stories were typical kid things. Babies cried, toddlers threw fits. When babies are too young to say what they needed or were feeling it was a nightmare. That was how it went.

Still, he had never been able to stop himself from wondering how things would have been if he had never been born. It wasn't as if she had been trying to blame him, but with every story of the wonderful man he had been before he couldn't help feeling exactly that way. Like him not being born would have saved the both of them so much pain and…

Maybe his father never would have started drinking if he hadn't had the added stress of a baby. Maybe his mother would have left him if he did start going down that path. Maybe his father wouldn't have lost his temper and his mother would still be alive. Maybe they could be living a wonderful family life if he had just never been born.

That wasn't what happened though. The two of them didn't get a happy ending. His father was an alcoholic that beat them for many years until one day the man ended up killing his mother and he ended up shooting his father. It wasn't a good ending, but it was an ending all the same.

At least it would be as long as he remembered and didn't drown his sorrows. Every time he picked up a bottle he forced himself to think of that man and remember all of it. He couldn't change his past, but he wasn't going to fall victim to it either. He would never do that to his family. No matter how much he wanted to some days.

Alright, so he didn't want to get drunk or anything like that. He wanted to relax and stop thinking. It was a slippery slope though and one he wasn't comfortable trying to go down after the day that he had just had. Though if he thought about everything that had been happening lately it felt more like they were hitting a crescendo.

When he had first noticed that something was wrong with Wesley he had tried all the tricks that normally worked on him. The teen felt so deeply sometimes that he had a list of things to do that got him to relax and open up about whatever it was that was bothering him. Talking, hugging, cooking his favorite meal, going for a walk. It was fairly easy thing to do.

Which had worked, sort of. Wesley told him about the dance and how Connor was just making everything difficult. So he tried to convince him to tell a teacher or Clary what was going on. It was really the only solution that he could think of that didn't end in tears or blood shed. If there was one thing that his son was though it was stubborn. If he wanted something than no one was getting in his way. Especially not a bully.

Despite what it may have seemed Wesley could take care of himself. He knew what he was doing and he wasn't going to stop until he got what he wanted. Deeks had to trust his son and the way he had been raised. He had to stand back and watch as his son dealt with Connor and everything he threw the boys way.

Deeks could admit that he was not doing well at biting his tongue. Every time he saw the younger man he had to fight to not say anything. He hated feeling as if he was allowing his son to be hurt over and over without doing anything to stop it. He hated feeling as if he was failing to do the one thing that he promised he'd always do. He was supposed to protect the boy from things like that and he was just watching.

Than there was Callen. In all the time Deeks had known his husband he had seen him fall apart only a handful of times. Which given everything that had happened in his life was pretty good. At least it would be if his falling apart didn't usually end with someone, usually him, bleeding out and close to death.

Ever since they started their family though, at least ever since he retired from the force, the older man had been a rock through everything that happened to their family. He loved seeing how much the man had grown. From the type of person that ran at the first sign of emotion to the person that was running head first into whatever his family needed from him.

Callen had really grown into the father that Deeks knew he could be. Watching him interact with their kids and seeing the love and devotion in his eyes filled him with pride and joy. In those moments all he doubts and dark little thoughts that plagued him fell away and he just had faith in him. In their family.

Seeing the man fall apart because he thought he was a bad father broke his heart. After all that he had been through, all that he had seen, all his husband had done for them, the idea that he didn't see what he meant to them was too much. The last thing Callen should feel was that he wasn't a good father.

At the same time though he could almost understood where he was coming from. Having an absent or abusive father threw a lot of things off balance. It also made it damn near impossible to believe that they could be anything other than the men that raised them to be.

It was why he didn't drink. He didn't even particularly like drinking, but whenever he started his mind was filled with so many memories that unless he drank a little too much there was no way he was going to be able to relax. It was also why Callen took a few days alone sometimes. A few days with Sam away from everything that he never allowed himself to dream of having was a good reminder of how running solved nothing.

They might not be the best solutions for their pasts, but they weren't destructive either. Doing things like that also helped them face what happened instead of hiding it away until it exploded and they did something they regretted. It wasn't as if the kids weren't aware that something was going on when it happened either.

Still, early on they had tried to hide it. Well, he tried to hide it. Back when it had just been him taking care of the kids alone it had been hard. He had been doing his best to make sure that everything around them was running smoothly. They had enough to deal with constantly being worried about Callen. The last thing they needed was to be concerned about him as well. Deeks had done everything in his power to make sure that they never saw him like that. He was their dad. They needed him to be that person, to be strong and take care of them.

So he pushed those thoughts and feelings away until he was basically just running on autopilot throughout the day. It got a little easier when they started to go to school and he had some hours to himself to breathe and figure out what he was supposed to be doing. Or, if he was honest, to lay in bed doing absolutely nothing.

It wasn't until Callen had basically retired that he started to show a little more of that side of him. Not that he had actually meant to do that. He had just been so tired of hiding all that he was thinking and feeling. Then his husband was right there and they were both realizing that somewhere along the way they had lost the people that they had been and… He broke.

All the time he had spent being conscious of not falling apart in front of them was for nothing because in that one moment he couldn't keep it together anymore. He couldn't even remember what it was that set him off. Just that he couldn't take anymore. He couldn't keep pretending that he was okay when that was the farthest thing from the truth.

He had ended up curled in the bathtub for hours just crying and he hated himself for that. For letting his children see how broken he was. No matter what he should never allowed that. He should have left the house or gotten Callen to take them away or anything other than what he did. He shouldn't have let them see. Not after everything he saw with his mother and her depression.

Back then he hadn't known what it was he was seeing. All he knew was that he had to watch as her smile slowly but surly faded away until he forgot what it looked like. Then she started to stay in bed more and more until he was spending all his time laying with her. After that she quit eating unless he forced her and even then she didn't always keep it down. Then she was just gone.

Those were the last memories he had of the woman that raised him, the woman he had loved more than anything. She had been ripped violently from him, but he even if he didn't know what depression was he had been able to tell that he was losing her. It might have been his father that took her from him in the end, but he wasn't sure how much longer she would have lasted if he hadn't.

He felt a shaky breath escape him as he placed the pitcher back in the fridge trying his hardest to push away the images playing in his head. The last thing he needed was to get lost in his own thoughts. Not when Callen and Wesley needed him.

As he closed the door the lights flickered on and off causing him to spin around. Clary stood in the doorway a hand rubbing at her eyes as she slowly made her way into the kitchen. She must have just woken up. Given the last time he saw her she had been passed out on the couch with Wesley it wasn't a hard guess though.

"Why are you awake, kiddo?" Deeks signed slowly knowing how hard it was to focus when first awake.

"Bright lights," she replied her mouth dropping in a wide yawn, "What time is it?"

"Late. I already called your Mom. She knows you're staying the night."

"Thanks, Mr. Marty. I didn't think we'd fall asleep."

"I don't know why. You usually do."

Clary stuck her tongue out at him as she moved to the counter and grabbed the lemonade. Rolling his eyes at the teen he watched in amusement as she took a sip before spiting it out in the sink. Covering his mouth with his hand he did his best to cover the snickers that he knew he was making. The glare that she shot him told him he failed. It also made him laugh all the harder.

"You're cruel, Mr. Marty," she signed pouting heavily.

"If you didn't add almost a pound of sugar to yours you would have been fine," he offered smirking down at her.

"It's not my fault your old person taste buds can't handle sugar."

Letting his mouth drop open Deeks clenched at his chest dramatically. A wide grin came to the teems lips before it slowly slipped away. When Clary had first walked into their lives he hadn't known what to think. He knew instantly that she and Wesley were going to be friends for life and that he'd get used to having her around a lot.

It wasn't until later that he realized what it was he liked about her. She was a mini Kensi. Pure fire and quick wit ready and willing to take down whatever threatened the people she cared for. There was nothing more important to her than her family and friends. In the end she had grown to be like a second daughter to both him and Callen.

Now looking at her he felt his heart drop into his stomach. For the first time in a long time she looked every bit like the teenager she was. So scared and lost and yet still trying to be strong. A part of him wanted nothing more than to wrap her in a blanket and try to protect her from whatever it was that was coming, but they both knew that wasn't going to happen.

Nothing was coming for either of them. The ball was in Wesley's court and both of them had been pushed to the sidelines; far enough away they might not even be heard. At least he was. Clary was closer to the field, but something told him she wasn't being heard any better than he was. He just hoped she wouldn't stop trying anytime soon.

"What you got for me, kid?" Deeks questioned after a pregnant pause leaning against the table.

"I can't give you details," Clary signed shaking her head, "Not yet."

"Okay."

"Best friend rules."

"Clary, I get it. I really do. I'm not interrogating you. Have Wesley and I ever told you about my best friend?"

"I don't think so."

"His name's Ray. We've been best friends, brothers, for as long as I can remember. He's part of the reason that I am the person I am today. Haven't seen him in a few years and we can only talk every few months if we're lucky."

"Why?"

A sad smile came to Deeks lips as he thought about his friend. It really had been a long time since he was able to get in contact with the man. He had taken being in witness protection seriously. Not that he could blame the man. He had a family to protect and the last thing any of them wanted was for his past to come back and put any of them in danger.

Sometimes though it hurt knowing he couldn't talk to the man whatever he wanted to like he used to. He hadn't been joking when he said Ray had been in his life for as long as he could remember. They knew each other inside out without either of them having to talk about it at all. That had always been the way they were though.

There was no doubt that over the years they had more than their share of fights that ended up causing them to not talk for awhile, but they always came back together. If he remembered correctly the longest they went was a good three years before they gave in and put whatever they were fighting about to the side. No matter what happened they were best friends, bothers. There was nothing that was going to change that. They were far too stubborn to let that happen.

"Ray and I started along the same path when we were younger," Deeks started to explain.

"A bad path?" Clary asked her head cocking to the side.

"Yeah, a very bad path. A path that could have gotten us both arrested more than once. One that did get him arrested more than once. If I remember correctly I almost arrested him. Ended up convincing him to become an informant instead. Things got messy. Really messy. He had go into witness protection to stay safe."

"Woah."

"Yeah. You know, at first, when we were kids, I followed every move he made. I never questioned anything he said or did. I was quiet and obedient no matter what happened. No matter how much it killed me inside what we were doing to people. No matter how much I wanted to scream and run. I stayed and I stayed quiet because he was all I had left and I thought if I questioned him he'd leave me alone for good. I couldn't take another person I cared about leaving me."

Licking at his lips Deeks looked down at the ground as he remembered how scared he had been back then. Ray had meant everything to him. In his mind he had owed the man everything and then some. If the man hadn't handed him that gun he would have been dead too. He had thought that Ray had saved him. When he was old enough he figured out that they were just two scared kids who had no idea what they were doing.

He really wished that it hadn't taken him so long to figure out. The things that he had done once upon a time because he had thought not doing them and ending up alone… There were a lot of things in his past that he wasn't proud of doing. A lot of which he only did because Ray asked him to. He didn't force him into anything he didn't want. Deeks was perfectly capable to doing that all by himself. All Ray did was bring him along and point him in the direction. After that it was just them doing whatever needed to be done safely get out.

"I didn't really think about it either," Deeks continued lifting his head to look at the girl, "I just did what I thought I had to. There was no middle ground. The way I figured it if I didn't have him than I didn't have anything. And if I didn't have anything…"

"So what did you do?" Clary asked leaning towards him, "So did you stop? How did you change?"

"We did something really, really bad. Someone got hurt because of it. We didn't mean for that to happen, but it did and it was on us. That fear and self-hatred I felt was too much. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't become a person I hated to be with someone that I loved. As much as it killed me inside to do it I quit talking to him, hanging out with him. Whole nine yards. For a good three months. Longest I went without talking to him up until that point."

"What happened?"

"A fist fight. A very bloody fist fight. Ray got a broken nose and twisted knee and I broke my wrist and a couple of ribs. We both ended up getting arrested, but since it was a little fight they let us go with a warning and slap on the wrist."

"And Ray? What happened with Ray?"

"We talked. I told him what I had been thinking and how I wanted to stop. How I couldn't live with myself acting the way I was. How I wanted to be a lawyer. I thought he was going to hate me."

"Did he?"

"Nope. Actually, he laughed at me."

"He laughed at you? Why would he laugh at you?"

"Because he was my best friend, Clary. He knew me better than I knew myself. He could tell that I wasn't happy. He also knew I wouldn't say anything until I was pushed to it, until I felt like I had no choice. So he pushed. Over and over. He put me in worse and worse situations to remind me of who I was. Who I wanted to be."

Deeks watched Clary closely as she slowly progressed through everything he told her. He knew that on the surface the story he had just told her didn't make a lot of sense with what they had been talking about before. She was smart though. It might take her a minute to get what he was saying, but she would get it.

At least he hoped she would. He knew better than most exactly what it meant to always have someone in your corner. Clary was that for Wesley. She was his person. Through everything the world through at them she was going to be his best friend for his entire life. They could go years without speaking but that fact would never change.

He just had to give her a small push in the right direction. The last thing he wanted was for them to fall into the pattern he and Ray almost had. If it wasn't for the older man seeing what their life style was doing to Deeks things might have ended a lot differently for him. He really did not want to think about what that life could have been.

The situation wasn't the same between the teens, he hoped, but that didn't change anything. It was all too easy for any type of relationship to start falling apart because one of the people felt like they couldn't be who they were. The only way to fix that was to have the other one be confident enough in what they had to say something. Even if that something hurt and got the other mad at them.

"I'm worried," Clary finally signed chewing at her lip her eyes flickering towards the living room where Wesley was still fast sleep.

"Not enough to tell me though," Deeks replied with a smirk.

"Not yet. I think that he's thinking, trying to figure out… What it is that's going on in that head of his. I want to give him a chance to figure it out or come to you if he feels like he has to."

"Do you believe he will? Truly believe he will come to us?"

"I…"

Clary looked as if she wanted to sign something but her hands fell to her sides a moment later a defeated look on her face. Her eyes dropped to the floor as her head shook. Feeling his heart drop Deeks swallowed roughly and turned his head to the flickering lights. He wanted nothing more than to go into the living room and make his little boy talk to him, but he knew that if he did all that would happen was tears and anger. He couldn't do that. Not yet.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Marty," Clary offered when his eyes were back on her, "I'm trying. I'll keep trying too. I promise. I won't stop until…"

"Until?" he prompted staring at her.

Clary slowly pushed herself off the counter and started towards the living room. She was a few steps away from the doorway when she turned to look at him. The cinnamon eyes had that fire to them that reminded him so much of Kensi. Under any other circumstance he would be almost proud of that look. Now he just hoped it meant she understood why he had told her about him and Ray.

"I swear to you," Clary signed looking more serious than he had ever seen her, "I swear I will help him. And if I can't I swear I'll come to you and Mr. G. I won't let him lose himself."

Smiling softly he moved forward and wrapped his arms around her holding her tightly. His eyes stared up at the ceiling blinking back tears. When all of it had started he hadn't realized just how close to the edge everything really was. How easily it would be for everything to fall apart. Knowing that Clary was helping Wesley though helped soothe some of the ache in his heart though.

"Thank you," Deeks muttered against the top of her head.