A/N: I do not own anything you recognize.
Summary: Some people may never be the same.
Note: the reason that Coulson jumped to that conclusion was because Natasha and Katya asked for the file of Anastasia, and he decided to make a farfetched claim because reasons. I think you'll just have to ask Coulson. Now it's time for some mother-daughter bonding – yep, this chapter is full of fluff, but assassin-y fluff. What else can you expect from Nat and her daughter? Oh, and by the way, all the quotes except the one for Chapter 2 are personally made by yours truly. Anyways, please review! On to the chapter...
Quote: "Hereditary craziness is always a hopeless case."

The only SHIELD people who knew of Katya's existence or identity other than her mother – Fury, Hill, Coulson and Barton – were usually scarred for life during if they walked into their bonding time.

"So, you do it like this?"

"No, sweetie, the position you're doing is a little skewed. Turn your wrist a bit...yes, now stab, no, no, not aggressively, more, ah, gracefully...that's good, that's good. Now pull back, not with force, honey, yes, yes, you're doing well," Shik! "Perfect!"

"I did well?"

"Yes, malyutka, that was wonderful: you have successfully learned how to remove a man's testicles!"

Agent Phil Coulson at first stares at what is transpiring in front of his very eyes: the most terrifying woman he was ever met, teaching her daughter, an equally terrifying person (who is a kid, for god's sake, but why does she scare him so damn much?) and formerly world-famous, notorious, assassin, how to do any man's nightmare. Some would say he is being overdramatic, but have you seen how absolutely petrifying it is to see them practicing on a dummy which looks like a real man?!

And here he thought mother-daughter bonding involved nail polish.

"Of course, you can always shove a handy nail polish bottle down his throat to choke him."

Correction: applying nail polish.

Tsarevna

Clint was overjoyed that Tasha had begun to open up to him again, now that her kid was under her own protection, which meant frankly near untouchable.

Of course, his enjoyment doesn't last long when he is the new target for their bonding time – damn scary female Russian assassins. Honestly, what makes them think he is the perfect victim, he will never know.

"Mama, do you think he's here?"

"Of course, he's probably hiding in the vents and listening in to our conversation."

"That is...a surprisingly helpful skill. No wonder he is such a valuable spy."

"And sniper,"

"That too, of course."

The way those two speak about spying, sniping and assassin-y skills, compliment people using the so-called better ones, and call some of them "rookie techniques" astounds him.

(He refuses to admit a fourteen-year-old scares him witless.)

But, his boldness – or stupidity, whichever way you go by it – commands him to say something, and say something he does, "I know, so less people are appreciative of my awesomeness!"

His long-time partner groans, "Great, you've expanded his ego."

"Hey!"

Skunk.

Of course a knife embeds itself too close to his knee for comfort and somehow passes through the steel of the vent. Why must he always be the living and should-be-unhurt target of a Russian redhead's knives? Oh yes, he was reckless when it came to them.

"Let's go to Fitzsimmons – I swear they're stalling too long. Maybe we can brush up our matchmaking skills."

"A wise course of action, my daughter."

Did he just hear what he thinks he heard?

Tsarevna

Agent Maria Hill prides herself on being one of Director Fury's most trusted agents, his second-in-command and part of his inner circle. She also prides herself on being a perfect SHIELD agent who passed the entering test with flying colours, who has perfect intuition.

At first, when Agent Coulson bought Barton, she knew she was in for a difficult time – boy, was she right. But, the archer's recruitment had advantages too, she had to give him that.

Then he bought in the Black Widow. Agent Coulson was banging his head, while Director Fury was furious (no pun intended): she partially agreed with her superior officer, but also felt that Romanoff would be kind-of-good help. She was right again.

After that, Romanoff and Barton came from their mission in Budapest with a teenager in tow.

So, naturally, she asks the obvious question when the two ladies enter with around ten bags each, which seems to show they have very nearly bought the whole street.

"Whose money?"

And if the answer is a synchronized "Fury.", then she is obviously going to slip out and ask her boss to check his bank account.

"I know." He answers; dare she say it, sounding like he's holding back tears? "They've decided to ditch their accounts for my money these days..."

Ah well. It is understandable.

Fury has more money than he can possibly think what to do with; it deserves to go to a noble cause. Shopping is just that.

Perhaps she should join them.

Of course, no one will ever know that Maria Hill, the she-dragon of SHIELD, goes crazy over a bunch of clothes bought by Director Fury's money – save her partners-in-crime, Natasha Romanoff and Katya (false surname yet to be decided).

Tsarevna

Nick Fury swears those two lady assassins have made it their purpose in life to drive him to alcoholism. They break his favourite agents, shop with his money, nearly cut is best sniper, try to get his two best scientist-agents together...

The fact that he eggs them on the last one will be respectfully ignored: Fitzsimmons is an important couple that needs to get together ASAP, or else he loses his bet with Coulson about when they will get together. Time is passing quick.

Anyway.

He walks into mother-daughter bonding time fully intending to explain the consequences of their actions, despite being warned by three different people – two of whom he explicitly trusts with his life and secrets – to not go to them at that time.

(Later, he will bemoan not listening to his agents)

"That is so cool!" Katya's voice calls out full of awe. He wonders what that is about.

"I know, right?" Is Romanoff...fangirling (or whatever the word is) with her daughter?

"Mama, can you buy me one? Please? Pretty, pretty, pretty please?"

Here he is, eavesdropping on the Black Widow talking with her daughter, the Deianira, with the latter asking for something like a child with a Christmas wish and saying "pretty please" of all things. Soon enough, he learns that mini-Romanoff wants a Wilson Combat Classic Supergrade handgun for Christmas.

How has this become his life?

A/N: Hehe, poor everyone really. Well, except Hill: she's getting to shop with Fury's money. And Nat and Katya, they are obviously not one bit affected...and yep, Fitzsimmons need to get together, obviously, so I decided "why not add Natasha's matchmaking skills in this?" Don't worry, I'll probably add it in a chapter.

Katya: also, author says she wants reviews. I agree. Reviews are good, you should give them to her.

Katya, who let you in here? Aren't you supposed to be breaking agents and tearing dummies?

Katya: you can't make me do anything. I'll go wherever I want.

Actually, as the author, I-

Katya: shuddup. I'm a master assassin. I sharpen my knives daily.

Touchy, touchy...fine, I'll leave you be.

On another note, three pages of Chapter 12 for "Queen Elisabeth, the Tudor Rose" are done. Yay me! Also, again, please review. I need your feedback!

Question: what should Katya's surname be?
Option A1: Zhukova; Option A2: Zhukoff
Option B1: Shastakova; Option B2: Shastakoff
Option C1: Petrova; Option C2: Peterson
Also note, I've set up a poll for you to vote, which will be closed on the 22nd of April.

I thought of adding Romanoff or Romanova too, but that just kills the purpose of hiding Katya's identity. No pun intended.