Summary:
He may not be able to love himself starting right now, but if it's with her by his side, he can always start seeing himself in a better light as a catalyst in her happiness.
Notes:
This is the follow up of my other fic "Danna-sama" and the second part of the series by the same name. The original story was inspired by Reactionist's Watching Him Die Again and Again and intended to make it a one shot with 'smut' and 'fluff', but due to my inability to write long chapters, I had to make 3 chapters of 'fluff' part and I ended up separating 'smut' and 'fluff' into two parts.
Before you dive into this, I'd like to mention /users/pseudocitrus/pseuds/pseudocitrus as someone who writes awesome Smuts and I love their works, specially the Tokyo Ghoul Smuts. I really like their writing style so I try to incorporate it into my own work until I can find myself adapting to a particular writing style.
You should surely check their works if you want if you like TouKen as a ship or The Tokyo Ghoul manga as a whole.
—
I have mentioned two songs that you can start playing on LOOP from, you'll find when to start in midst of the text.
The two songs are
1. Re: Zero Season 2 Ending 2 [Believe in You] by Nonoc
2. [Glassy Sky] by Yutaka Yamada from Tokyo Ghoul √A (yes the anime was shitty)
(See the end of the work for more notes.)
Work Text:
Emilia trails kisses down his mouth — she moves her gaze slowly, from his wet lips to his chin, from his chin to his neck, making it moist, wherever her eyes land.
Emilia feels Subaru's hands travel down her back — to her ass, he clutches it hard, and she bites the skin beside his throat between her lips — making them both moan at the same time.
"Emilia" — he sighs her name. He didn't know that she'd learnt about sex. "Ram taught me yesterday" — she answers his unasked question, somehow knowing what he was wondering. "When I needed visual references, Warden-san lent me some picture books called 'doujins', but he also called them the treasures of 'the cultured people'— though I don't understand what he meant by that." — she keeps sucking and pulling his skin, leaving a red mark there when she lets it go.
"Emilia-tan, if you act like this, I'll not be able to stop" — he tries to warn her. He's already stopped thinking about all this warden and shit for now because there is someone else who needs all his attention right now. She's giving him what he has wanted for so long — that he can't even remember anymore. His happiness was immeasurable when the person he loves the most said the words he'd always wanted to hear from her — and it broke all the bounds when she pinned him on the bed, taking advantage of her stronger body.
Emilia lowers her kisses further, reaching his collar bone — she licks it, sucks it, bites it, pressing her teeth on it. She lowers the zipper of his Tracksuit and looks at him — with a shit eating grin — "You are nooot the only one who's waited, Su-Ba-Ru-kun" she states — and opens the zipper to the end.
—
Subaru doesn't realise when — or how — but now he's lying on the bed, half naked — making out with her sitting on his thighs — her arms surrounding his neck, tight — her breasts pressing against his torso, hard — and his penis — which is extremely hard already, is hitting her crotch.
Emilia is feeling her body heat up when Subaru's tongue entangles with her. When he caresses her thighs, a warmth surges from her belly, hot enough to burn them both in each other. She pulls back when the lack of air in her lungs become intolerable and starts pecking him. She trails kisses, reaching for his left ear — licking his cheek wet along the way, until it reflects the light, shining like a mirror.
Reaching his ear, Emilia licks it richly, inside and out, making his ears tickle — she roams her tongue from his pinna to his lobe all over, again and again.
"A-aah" — she makes him moan in return, — biting his ear, turning them as red as hers and scratching his scalp with her nails — when he makes her do the same by wrapping his right arm around her waist and clutching her right breast in his left palm. Travelling down further, she presses her lips harder against his neck, taking a mouthful of his skin, sucking it, suppressing another moan and a shiver — when she feels him pinch her nipple from above her clothes.
She moves backwards — shifting her ass lower on his hips, making his penis hit her stomach. Now directly above his pectoral, she lowers her face on his chest, making Subaru stretches his arm further to keep clutching and squishing her breast. She sees his arm then, sees them, the remains of his pain, the scars — most of which not left by an enemy.
Suddenly, the arm he was squeezing her with is snatched away from her chest and is held between her two hands above his chest. She is staring straight into his eyes and he can practically see their corners slowly watering. He's about to panic that he's made some mistake, or she didn't like him touching her without permission and 'now she's mad at me and she'll hate me and leave' — his brain freezes when he feels a moist softness on his palm.
Goosebumps start from the tips of his fingers, reaching every last corner of his body when he sees her sensually flap and wraps her tongue around his fingers, leaving soft bites on his nails. She sucks his thumb like a lollipop, wrapping her pink tongue around it, complimenting the similar colour of her face. Subaru feels his already goosebumped skin shiver when he feels her fingers trace the near unnoticeable silky depths in his skin.
'I didn't want her to see them.' — he thinks. They were the reminders of his weakest times, memorials of the nights when he's felt so hollow that pain was the only thing that had allowed him to verify his existence.
He tries to pull his arm back — but fails against her incomparable strength. Now she is looking straight up at him, he turns his head aside to not let her see his shameful face — "You know" — she states, with a heavy voice, reaching her hand to his face, making him face her. "Beako told us about it, about you hurting yourself in nights" — 'wow, now everyone knows my shameful self' — he laments, not liking others knowing his dishonourable self, not liking her knowing his disgraceful side.
"You know, I may be able to not hate myself, even when knowing that I am the biggest reason for your pain, because I want to believe in you and your love for me, but I'll not be able to forgive myself. After all, I'm still the reason for my beloved's suffering." — she says, already being on the verge of dissolving into sobs, again. He has been surprised so many times today by her that he cannot even count anymore and now he is surprised yet again for the nth time when he sees for the first time just how similar they both think of themselves (and each other).
But he is certain of one thing, she is not what she thinks she is. She may be clumsy, overly ignorant, and stupidly innocent, but she is neither incompetent nor weak. If she were weak then she couldn't have passed the trials, couldn't have kept the Rabbit at bay and this is what he truly believes. He says the same to her, telling her that it's not her fault that he suffered, rather he suffered because he was weak, because he was incompetent, that it's he who does not deserve her, that she should see herself the way he sees her.
[PLAY Re: Zero Season 2 Ending 2 "Believe in You [Full Version]" IN LOOP from here for a better experience, if you are not too lazy.]
But when he sees her face, he does not expect it to be an angry scowl. She shifts herself forward on his torso, shifting her ass to sit on his chest. "How can you say something like this, Subaru?" — her voice is louder, she is scolding him. He turns his head aside, knowing he made her angry, but looks back at her again when he feels warm, wet taps on his chest. She is crying now, he tries to wipe her tears, but she snatches his other hand, bringing them together. She holds them both between her palms and plants small kisses on them, over and over again.
"How can you give all the credit for your deeds to me Subaru? How can you say that it was me who passed the trial? How can you forget that it was because of you, who believed in me — the only one — was I able to pass the trial. I saw, you know, the other loops where I failed again and again. Had it not been for you, my beloved, I would have never been the Emilia I am today, I would have still been that naïve, stupid, little girl in a big girl's body who knew nothing of her past and this world."
"B-but, I failed in the other loops, I was not able to believe in you, believe in others. Doesn't that make me incompetent, weak, foolish, selfish?" he asks. He sees her sob more, seeing her tears makes his heartache and he can only loathe his good-for-nothing self for making her cry again.
She forcefully quiets her sobbing and looks at him — "I was a bit sad when I saw you couldn't believe in me, you know, but do I even have the right to blame anyone? It was because I was so useless that you couldn't put your faith in me. It was because I couldn't face them, that Puck had to seal my memories. I can totally understand why you couldn't share your burdens with me, which were never supposed to be yours in the first place. But, I was happy, I was so glad when you did. I will always remember the moment when you kissed me for the first time. So, Subaru, if you could believe in someone like me, then why can you not believe in the person I look up to the most, the person who is even more amazing to me than the Dragon, the Sword Saint and the Sage themselves. Say Subaru, can you believe in yourself for this selfish me? Because if you believe in yourself because of me, then I will be able to believe and love myself more." She finishes with his hands grasped so tightly to her chest that he could feel the vibrations of her heartbeat through his fingers. He could only stare at her in wonder, with a special feeling budding inside his heart which he was feeling only for the third time in his life. It was very oddly familiar to what he had felt with Rem in the Capital and with Satella in Echidona's Window-XP Island. But this time, it was much, much greater than any other time, and if he were to reason it, then it would be because of the person in front of him.
He nods hesitantly, slowly at first, but gives another firm nod then. "I may not be able to believe in myself just now, I may not be able to love myself very much just now, but I'll try to believe and love 'me' like Emilia-tan does no matter how long it takes." He gives his honest answer. After all, his self-doubt cannot just be cured in one day, even if it's the person he loves the most is doing so, but he's sure, that with her by his side, as long as she loves him, he'll be able to find the confidence to love his own self again.
When he says the words, she smiles. This is the first time he has seen her giving a full blown, toothy smile today and he thinks that there won't be a better time for him to start loving himself again, as a reward for making her smile.
"Then, let's make a promise Subaru" — she cups his cheeks in her palms, bringing her face closer to his, almost touching their noses. "From now on, we will sleep together, and whenever you get nightmares I'll give you a lap pillow. Whenever you feel your thoughts shatter your heart, I'll hold your hand." — she brings his left arm close to her mouth, and starts trailing kisses on every single one of his scars — "And whenever your scars pain you, I'll kiss that pain away." — she puts his left hand on her left breast, pushing it hard enough to make him feel her booming heart — "So, promise me Natsuki Subaru, from today on, until the last day we live, we will never hide our pain, our self-doubt, our wishes from each other."
"I-I promise" — he answers, as if hypnotized by her sight — "that from now on, until the last day we live, we will share our pains and insecurities from each other, and of course, joys and happiness as well." He finishes with a relieved smile on his face. Emilia pressed her forehead against his with a grin when he finishes.
"Natsuki Subaru, I love you" — she tells him, pulling back for a second. He stares into her eyes — "I love you too, Emilia" — and announces.
[Now stop it right here, yes right here.]
—
[Now, I wrote all of the next part listening to"Glassy Sky" from Tokyo Ghoul. If you want the same feel as me, then I recommend it, though with low volume ON LOOP for the rest of the chapter]
They roll on the bed in a renewed heat surging like a waterfall — Emilia travels her tongue from his lips to his nose, from his nose to his ears, from his ears to his neck. She bites his shoulder, shuddering, trying to suppress her moans when she suddenly feels his hand reaching her thigh, and the other tilting her face aside, making it easier for Subaru to lick her ears.
"Mnnh" — she moans aloud when Subaru bites the tip of her elongated elven ear. She moves further down and captures his nipple in her mouth, and the other between her fingers, resulting in them growing hard and him groaning in her ear. His hot breath makes her tickle more, so she bites his nipple lightly, then flicks it to get back at him, resulting in him moaning louder in her ear.
She's now sucking his other nipple between her teeth, caressing it with her tongue when she feels his already hard cock pressing against her belly throb harder — then something snaps in him and now their positions are reversed — he is pinning her down, sucking her ears as if he is sucking the sweetest candy in the world, making her moan like a cuckoo and his hands are unbuttoning her blouse with an unexpected familiarity.
The next moment she finds a sense of sanity from her unrelenting moans — which she had tried her best and failed in suppressing even when biting her fingers and closing her eyes — she can feel the colder air of the room on her belly, making her shiver. She looks down to see the front of her blouse opened, revealing everything below her neck, from her white bra-clad breasts to the belt of her skirt — and a Subaru licking the skin above her breasts. He next opens the knot of her collar, revealing her smooth, white neck and a slightly pronounced collarbone, which immediately attracts his attention — and now he is leaving love bites all over her neck and she's lost in unrelenting moans again, not even trying to suppress them this time.
She next finds her mind returning from the borders of insanity when he's seemingly done playing with her neck leaving red bites everywhere and is awkwardly fiddling with the clasp of her bra. She can clearly see his embarrassment on his crimson face — and her own equally red face in his gentle eyes. She's about to help him in opening the clasp of her bra — but then he has suddenly opened it by himself, which is faster than she expected him to, considering the dunderhead he is.
She is not able to make fun of him in her mind for much longer — because the next thing she knows is that his fingers are pinching her right nipple, his mouth sucking her left nipple; his other hand already inside her skirt, groping her ass — and she is clutching handfuls of his hairs in both her hands and pushing him further on her breasts as if asking him to suck them harder. He's giving her the same treatment she had just given him, but somehow her own breasts are so sensitive that she's moaning more loudly than she has ever shouted.
She's feeling a heat rising within her, growing higher and higher the more he sucks her. Somehow her fingers are reaching for her crotch instinctively due to the mind-numbing pleasure, believing that she'll be able to go beyond the limits of this world if she can touch herself there, but her hand is snatched mid-way, and now he's sucking, biting her other nipple while intertwining their fingers, and keeping her arm aside, not letting it reach where she wants it to. She tries to lift it up, but somehow she, who can easily overpower him in strength, is not able to feel even the tiniest amount of strength, enough to be able to lift a finger. The pleasure skyrockets and she screams — when he is suddenly pulling hard on her nipple between his fingers and the biting the other harder between his molars, stuffing more than half of her breast inside his mouth.
She is almost on the verge of fainting due to the never ending pleasure when he stops sucking her like a baby, leaving a trail of saliva between his lips and her hard as stone pink nipples. Somehow she is still able to feel a buzzing in the tips of her breasts even when he's already left them.
Next she is feeling him trail kisses down her underboob towards her navel, his hands unclasping her skirt. He's about to continue his charade of kiss-teasing her when she interrupts him.
"S-subaru… N-nooo fair" — he hears her say with a pout, pointing at his sweat pants with cheeks as red as an Appa, though he is sure, if he saw his face in a mirror, it won't be any less red. Understanding her complaint, he is now removing his sweatpants, trying to not die of embarrassment, for there is something very important yet to do and he can't die yet.
The next moment they are both in one garment and his tongue is dipping inside her navel, licking it inside out like an ice-cream cone. His hands are kneading her breasts roughly like bread dough, though they are bigger than his palm, resulting in her soft flesh splitting between his fingers. He teases both her nipples with his fingers, making her moan louder and louder, not letting her rest.
Next, his mouth is trailing kisses, going lower and lower until he's reached her last piece of clothing. His hands leave her breasts and now his fingers are inside the sideband of her underwear, his other hand caressing her damp crotch, meanwhile, he is licking the deliciously wet insides of her thighs.
Emilia is in a trance the moment he's started caressing her vagina, even if from above the cloth. She gains clarity again when she feels him sliding her underwear down. He has soon brought it to her ankles through her smooth legs with such proficiency, that had she not known, she would have thought of him as an expert in the art of undressing women.
She kicks her underwear aside when he tugs it at her ankles, and now she is truly and
completely naked in front of him. Next, they are both so lost in the excitement of each other they don't realise when he has started kissing her slit.
She cannot help but shudder uncontrollably when he suddenly taps and starts rubbing her clit with his thumb and now she has gone beyond the limits she was wanting to achieve previously. She is pushing his head against her vagina, lost in her lust, with full force, allowing him not to even breathe.
—
He feels a wave of liquid flow down Emilia's pussy, and now she's pushing him against herself, tightening her hold around him with her spasming thighs pressing against the sides of his head. The paroxysm of her first orgasm lasts a few minutes, and she is breathing and sweating heavily when she regains her clarity.
"Hah, I-It felt otherworldly." — she makes an unintended pun when he has moved up to look at her. She is looking at him with a gentle, fulfilled smile.
"I love you, Emilia" — he confesses to her again, reaching down to deliver a soft kiss to her lips. "D-do you… want to continue?" — he asks hesitantly, "We can stop here you know."
She brings her hand to his cheek, pulling it down to plant a soft kiss on his lips too. "I love you too, Subaru." — she says — "And it's not some halfhearted love. If I receive all of your love, then I cannot return anything less than all of my own, you know." She states with a smile.
She pulls him in a hug, caressing his back with her hands. She plants a kiss on his cheek and says — " I reaaaaally reaaaaally love you, my Su-Ba-Ru. I love you the most in the world, and I always will love you the most for the rest of our lives. I want to spend all of my life with you,
Subaru, this is just the first step in our love life, I want to experience many things with you and never stop. A-i-shi-te-ru-yo, Su-Ba-Ru. I love you Natsuki Subaru and I don't want you to stop loving me tonight — or ever— so please, keep loving me with all your desire today. Don't stop, never stop, until we can't stay awake anymore". She pecks his lips again with a sweet smile.
He kisses her back and she starts pulling his underwear down by the sides of the waistband. The next moment they are both completely bare, and pressing their bodies together, while one of her hand is caressing his chest and the other exploring the shape of his cock, which unexpectedly was bigger than the length of her palm.
He pulls back from their kiss because of lack of breath and now she is lost in his almond honey like brown eyes. "P-please be gentle with me, Subaru" — she asks with a tiny voice. She sees him grin — 'he is happy with my words' — she thinks, and now she is smiling in return. She is glad that she can make him smile, relieved that as long she can make him happy, she'll be able to love herself.
He aligns his cock against her slit, ready to become one with her, to fill her, and she is excited at the prospect of feeling him inside her, which can be easily seen from her expectant and desiring expression. But her excitement turns into probing when he is suddenly frozen and his eyes are wide, staring at her.
"W-what's wrong Subaru?" — 'maybe I did something wrong, maybe I hurt him, now he is going to hate and leave me, what did I do, how can I be stupid' — she's about to panic, her face looking horrified when he awkwardly answers her previous question. "Um-m E-Emilia-tan, we… we don't have protection. W-what if you become pregnant? T-then won't you have to drop out of the Royal Selection? I cannot sacrifice your dream for momentary pleasure." — he explains, he is about to pull back when she locks his waist against her in a leg lock.
"B-baka, baka… Subaru no baka, baka, baka, baka, baka, I thought I did something wrong, you idiot, dunderhead Subaru. " — she shouts at him, punching his chest softly, looking aside, pouting in embarrassment, her face redder than any Appa. He can't stop himself from giggling, finding Emilia throwing a temper tantrum' the cutest thing in the world. "Emilia-tan, you better not do this in front of anyone else, or Beako will not forgive you for acting cute like her." — he laughs out loud when her cheeks deflate with a "poof" sound because of him poking them.
She cannot help but giggle at the thought of Beako — "I think she will be like, 'You are not allowed to act cute like Betty, I suppose. Betty has copyrights claimed for her cute shenanigans, in fact', fufu".
Subaru, for once can't help but laugh uncontrollably in such a long time at the thought of Beako claiming copyrights.
The heat they previously had, has somewhat faded, if it were possible then he would love to just stay like this, the warmth of her body, and the softness of her breasts clinging to his own chest makes his cock throb again.
Emilia seems to realise this too — she pats his head, gently smiling at him and explains —"You don't have to worry about that, Subaru. Demi-humans can only get pregnant two times in a year during the winter and summer mating seasons, so even if I wanted to, I will not be able to get pregnant right now." — (though I won't mind if it's your child) goes unsaid.
"So, please Subaru, love me, and let me love you." — she says with her hand holding his face, and a wanting expression on her face. He licks her lips and aligns his cock against her vagina for the last time and pushes inside.
"Ahhh" — they moan together, feeling the burning heat of each other's respective parts. He feels as if he'll melt if he stays inside her, for too long, yet he pushes himself further inside, slowly hollowing her insides.
She cries at the slight tinge of pain when he impales her with his cock. "Subaru" — she whispers his name near his ear, in pain, feeling his hot, full length, slowly reaching deeper and deeper inside her, until her insides are hollowed till the very end and until there is neither anything left to go inside nor any space to left be hollowed. Her whimpers die down when he is fully enveloped inside her, reaching her deepest depths. "I love you" — he whispers absent-mindedly in her ear, and she replies — "I love you, too" — with the same absent-mindedness.
They stay still like that, only caressing each other for a few minutes until Emilia pulls her hips back, signalling him to move. He pulls himself, slowly out of her, feeling incredible pleasure from her, rough, warm, tight folds rubbing against him. When he has almost pulled himself out, he pushes back inside, in a much slower, gentler than before thrust. Her tight walls make it hard to move further inside, he tries not to push harder, to not cause her more pain than what she is already feeling.
She scratches his back with her nonexistent nails, leaving white marks on his skin in an attempt to disregard the pain. The pain lessens when he kisses her neck and his fingers start flicking her nipples. He moves his face further down to her breasts, sucking them with a fervour never seen before. She's moaning now, feeling his wet, moist, rough taste buds tease her nipples. She is getting addicted to this feeling, feeling of his tongue roaming around her nipples, and she falls more in love with his mouth — when he gently bites her hard nipples between his incisors, twists them between his canines and scratches them with his molars, blowing hot breaths on them — making her scream his name.
The pain has already faded when he's done with her nipples and goes up to kiss her lips, sliding his tongue inside her, vehemently exchanging saliva. She feels a never felt before pleasure when his thrusts become harder, faster and deeper.
He clutches her ass tightly in his hands — leaving marks of his fingers on her skin — crushing himself even harder against her, his tip poking her womb. Her incredibly wet folds spatter tiny droplets of fluids on their bellies with his every successive thrust.
His penis is already throbbing, ready for release and his knees are feeling weak, on the verge of giving out. He holds her one leg over his shoulder and uses the other — previously clutching her ass — to dab her clit repeatedly, scattering more of their fluids on their bodies. He is on the verge of exploding when he feels her walls tighten around him harder, sending him over the edge. "I'm coming" — she screams and now she is having another series of spasms, her leg held above his shoulder twitches repeatedly as her eyes roll back.
"I'm cumming" — he whispers to her in midst of her orgasm, pushing himself the deepest he can inside her to finally go beyond the peak of his pleasure.
She feels a warm liquid fill her sensitive insides, and now she's spasming harder, her orgasm more pronounced. He lets her leg fall from his shoulder and hugs her tightly, snuggling against her violently shuddering post orgasmic body, to help ease her paroxysm.
They share a brief kiss when her orgasm dies down, and now he is laying his head on her breasts, exhausted, breathing heavily, but content, while she is brushing his soft black hair, her muscles still twitching occasionally. "I love you" — he whispers in his exhaustion, — "Me too" — and she replies, clearly much more spent than him.
ーーーーー
To not be Continued, Yes this is the End —
OMAKE
Emilia sang this lullaby to Subaru to help him sleep better when they washed up and went to sleep together on the bed, naked. Yes NAKED, hot, isn't it? Then I hope you read it till the end.
*Emilia clears her throat*
*A few coughs*
*More clearing throat*
We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
Notes:
LOL, SORRY FOR THE RICKROLL
TRANSLATION TIME
Ya-ku-so-ku (やくそく) — is a Japanese word which means "a promise", like the one they made above.
Was lacking creativity so just used the standard word, lol.
Baka — Idiot
Please give your thoughts in the comments and criticize *without* death threats.
~me out~