Ma didn't say anything.
She didn't interrupt him once as he rambled on about John, about how he knew that he loved him, that he knew John couldn't help it when other men were interested in him; overall, Alex took great care to emphasise just how little his husband was at fault for this.
And then, he haltingly described how he had bumped into Brown in the corridor. How he had acted towards him.
Ma didn't interrupt just as she didn't judge. She just listened, and Alex was so grateful, because- as much as he loved his father, and he did love him dearly, he was so glad to have him, but he knew what this conversation would have looked like with him.
He would have tried to calm him. To comfort him, tell him it wasn't his fault because he was upset, that he certainly could have reacted better, but it was in the past now.
Ma offered a more passive kind of comfort. Her presence alone had a calming effect.
She gave a sharp nod of her head when he had finally fallen silent and took a moment to set her empty cup down on the nightstand before she carefully rubbed her hand up and down his bicep.
His own cup was still almost entirely full, and he took a lukewarm gulp of tea as he waited for her to formulate her answer.
"Perhaps you are overthinking this," she said at last, and Alex frowned. Of course he was overthinking this. That was what he did. "As I understand it, the thing you are most upset about right now is what you said to that young man?"
Alex worried his bottom lip between his teeth and nodded, staring down into the tea.
He could still see it before his mind's eye, Brown's face twisting with the cold, frightening realisation that someone knew.
"Don't you think the conclusion you jumped to is a bit of a reach, love? Why do you think he would assume you said those things because you were going to punish him?"
"What?" he said and raised his head, his brow furrowed in confusion.
Ma just looked at him with a small smile and squeezed his arm. "You just said John didn't want to kiss him. And, well- he doesn't. Why would he immediately jump to execution?"
Alex blinked, gobsmacked, and stayed silent.
What else would his conclusion be? That he was giving him some friendly advice in a tone that suggested he would like to saw through his jugular with that goddamn letter-opener?
"I wasn't exactly friendly when I said it."
"So you weren't," she agreed with a slight shrug. "But execution? He knows John, doesn't he? Would he really assume he would forsake him like that?"
And that was when it hit him. When it just backhanded him across the face like… too many men in his life, really.
"You don't understand, Ma," he said, flat, and rid himself of his own cup. Now it was her turn to frown at him; Alex covered the hand on his arm with his own to assure he hadn't meant any offense.
"You don't- um, being- being like this, it's dangerous. It's deadly. So many men are court-marshalled or executed with just the faintest whisper of proof to back the accusation, and- even if they are just court-marshalled, a lot of them end up dead, anyway. Loving like we do is difficult. And it's a death-sentence if someone finds out. I could see it in his eyes, Ma. How scared he was, the terror, I- I've seen men die in battle with more peaceful expressions on their faces."
His mother's face changed as she listened, her features slipping from the unbothered side of neutral into uncomfortable confusion, and ended up frozen in a worried grimace.
"Is that how you feel, Alexander? How you live? Every day?" she said, her eyes, the concern, the pity in them piercing straight into his soul, and Alex turned away.
"Yes," he whispered and swallowed, and a sensation like a thousand small needles prickling under his skin enveloped his whole body. "I'm scared. A lot, all the time, really, but- not for myself. I know Papa would move heaven and earth just to keep me safe, whatever the cost, but-" He broke off there, his stomach in knots.
Ma was silent for a moment; it stretched, even though it probably wasn't all that long.
"Your father would do the same for him," she said at length. It sounded odd to his ears. Detached, but not unsure.
She was certain of her words, but it seemed she didn't much like it.
"Not like he would for me. If he had to choose- if there was no other way, Pa would throw John to the wolves to keep me safe, and-" Alex blinked, his vision blurry with sudden tears, a lump in his throat. "And John would thank him for it."
His mother didn't respond to that. Alex hadn't expected her to.
He breathed deeply and made an honest attempt to pull himself together.
"Anyway. I- I know how Brown feels. How he must have felt when I hurled those things at him, he- he had that same expression of absolute dread on his face as John did that first time Pa walked in on us, and I never ever wanted to make anyone feel that way, not even some- some guy who thinks he can kiss my husband."
Alex didn't have it in him to call Brown a name now, not after he had wronged the man like that.
And he also couldn't swear in front of his mother. He had enough problems at his hands already.
"John... said something along those lines once," she said, quietly and a bit distracted, as if she was reliving the memory she referred to at that very moment. "That I could love my husband in a way he would never get, without fear."
Alex blinked, stunned. John had said that to her? To her face? Just like that?
Something in his chest throbbed with unadulterated affection.
That man. That wonderful, stubborn, fearless man Alex loved so much.
Ma raised her gaze and looked him dead in the eyes.
"I suppose I haven't given those words as much thought as I should have. I'm- I'm sorry, love, I never looked at it that way."
No, she wouldn't have. He doubted Pa had, either.
And even if they had tried to put themselves in their shoes, they would never understand what it truly felt like. The underlying anxiety, attached to them like a shadow, there in the most comfortable and innocent of conversations.
The little voice in the back of his head, whispering to him that if he slipped up just once, if a single poorly phrased joke landed wrong enough, it could plant suspicion in someone's head.
If someone caught him staring at John when his thoughts wandered, if someone saw their fingers brush when they were standing next to each other, thinking nothing of it–until they noticed that neither of them had pulled away, that their fingers perhaps arched a bit to chance another touch-
It was a lot.
She wouldn't understand.
Alex all of a sudden felt very alone.
"You just always seem so at ease," she said, the words carrying a twang of… curiosity? Alex arched a brow and waited for her to continue. "With your comrades, I mean. Don't think I haven't heard of the lovebite that mysteriously sprouted on Lieutenant Colonel Laurens' neck overnight, Alexander. That's quite daring, wouldn't you say?"
Alex flushed and ducked his head, averted his eyes. "Pa told you about that?"
His mother made a sound like a snort, and he glanced back at her. "No, love. The maids were giggling about it this afternoon. Colonel Brown is not the only one drawn to your John."
Your John.
Despite the intense embarrassment gnawing away at him, his heart was enveloped in warmth.
She had never referred to John like that before–most days, she was hard pressed to refer to John by name at all. To acknowledge their relationship so clearly, it was- good.
It felt good.
"But you dodged the question, my sweet. You and John seem so comfortable around the other boys."
Alex hummed, thoughtful. "We are. We are comfortable around them, they are our friends, and- and a few of them actually know about us, but- I don't know. It's just a lot easier to not think too hard about what could happen if they were to find out. How fast some of them would turn on us."
A long moment passed by, silent.
She heaved a sigh, tired and with an underlying sadness Alex was too familiar with, and her hand slid down the length of his arm until she could gently grasp his hand in hers.
Alex hated it when her eyes clouded like that, as though she was trapped in a horrid memory just because he had opened his stupid mouth.
"Alexander," she said, not quite meeting his eye. Quiet, subdued, uncomfortable. She squeezed his hand, and Alex squeezed back. "My darling, that's no way to live. I- I'm not saying this because I want to tell you what to do. I'm not trying to sway you, this is not me expressing disapproval, but- are you absolutely certain this is how you want to live your life?"
His mother raised her head and brushed her thumb over his knuckles, and Alex went cold. First his chest, then his stomach, and then the frost seeped out into his limbs, crept along farther and farther with every new beat of his heart until it froze the tips of his fingers.
He didn't answer.
"I don't mean to sound harsh. It's just, your father said you find yourself attracted to both men and women? If you were to find a wife-"
"I don't want a wife," he cut in, barely any louder than her. His throat was too tight to produce anything above a whisper, and Alex struggled to fight down the faint betrayal bubbling up from a pit near his heart, struggled to resist the urge to pull his hand from hers.
Ma wasn't saying this to hurt him. She was worried.
"I want John. Just John. No one else."
She nodded slowly, reached her other hand over to rest it on his upper arm. "Can you promise me he will be enough for you? That he'll make you happy in spite of the secrecy and fear? That- that you won't wake up in ten years and ask yourself what you're doing with your life, without a family of your own, unable to let anyone else come close for fear they'll find out-"
"Ma," he croaked, and she fell silent, watched as Alex took a few steadying breaths and wiped a numb hand over his stinging eyes. "Mama, I'll be fine. Don't worry. As long as I have him, my world keeps turning, I- I love him. And I promise we will be enough for each other. He swore to spend the rest of his days making me happy, and John- he keeps his promises." He sucked in another breath and let it out through his teeth. "We promised each other a lifetime, and that's what I intend to give him."
Ma just looked at him for a beat. Two. Three.
Her gaze was intense but not uncomfortable, and there was no disappointment behind it, no judgement, nothing that made Alex think she would not accept the answer he had given.
No, her eyes were simply searching him, evaluating his sincerity, trying to read from his face if he had told the truth, if he was certain.
Alex was, so he didn't worry.
"Alright," she said, her voice so soft, and yet Alex almost jumped when the silence shattered into pieces and the odd tension between them with it.
"Alright?" he repeated, a bit unsure of her meaning. His mother let go of his hand and reached up to take his face into her hands instead, shot him a sweet smile that made him see Patsy for a split-second, and he swallowed around the renewed lump in his throat.
"Alright." Her thumb moved gently back and forth over his cheekbone, and Alex leaned into the hand cradling his jaw, the tension and anxiety seeping from him like sand slipping through his fingers. "As long as you're sure this is what you want, and as long as he makes you as happy as you always claim he does–I'm glad."
She paused to press a kiss to his forehead, then returned to watching him from adoring eyes, and Alex blinked a few times, desperate to keep the tears at bay.
"When George first brought you home, I- I thought that you looked so sad. So hurt. And you were so shy in the beginning, it took you two months before you could even call me anything other than 'Ma'am', and- and the only thing I ever wanted for you was to have something to smile for."
Alex looked down at the sheets, not able to bear the painfully honest expression in her eyes, but she tapped his chin and made him return her gaze again.
"I only ever wanted you to be happy, my darling," she said. Alex's sight blurred, but he didn't avert his eyes again. "And if John Laurens gives you a reason to smile every day, I can suck it up, be an adult, and be happy for you."
Alex couldn't help it–he sniffled a little, and a lone tear escaped him and fell down his cheek despite his best efforts.
This- this was more than he would have asked of her. All he'd wanted was for her to try, to tolerate John and their relationship if she couldn't accept it yet, to see how far and violently he had fallen for that man, even if she couldn't understand it.
This, he wouldn't have asked of her. He'd hoped she would be ready some day, of course, but it was so much sooner than he'd dared to dream.
Alex shifted on the mattress, tucked his legs underneath himself instead, and reached out to pull his mother into a tight embrace. She made a soft sound of surprise, but wrapped her arms around his shoulders to reciprocate immediately.
"Thank you, Ma. Really, I- you don't know how much this means to me. Thank you. I- I know you would really like John if you gave him a chance, I mean, Pa does, and Pa doesn't really like anyone at all-"
"Alexander," she interrupted with a soft chuckle, took him carefully by the shoulders, and pried him away until they could see each other's faces again. "It's alright, my sweet. I'll be staying with you for at least another eight weeks. I think I could arrange for some free time within the next two months to get to know my son-in-law."
Son-in-law.
Alex felt like his heart was about to burst clean out of his chest.
But before he could sob out a response, she went on, "Right now, though, I think you have a young man to apologise to. That's the more pressing matter, wouldn't you agree, love?"
Oh.
The thick fog of pure delight that had clouded his thoughts ebbed away and vanished, revealing the issue of his own making that had brought them there in the first place.
Elijah Brown–she was right, Alex had to apologise to him; he just hoped John had explained the situation already.
"You're right, Ma. Of course, I- I'll go," he said and shook himself, attempted to get a grip on his turbulent emotions before he went and got a whole other set of his feelings twisted around and bent out of shape.
She nodded and smiled at him, tenderly brushed the dried tear-track from his cheek, and kissed his forehead once more.
"We can talk more tomorrow," she said. True to form, she didn't make it sound like an offer, but more like a decision she had made for the both of them without consulting him first.
Alex had the sudden realisation that she was probably the only person he didn't mind taking orders from; his father was a different story, he had to take his orders when he was his chief aide, but as his son?
Alex preferred to do as he pleased, and Pa had always been very aware of that fact.
"Sure," he replied, leaned in to press a quick peck to her cheek, and jumped back to his feet. A few moments later, he was back in his boots and already putting the words swirling around his brain into a semblance of order.
"Thanks, Ma," he said, easing the door open. "This… was a good talk. Helped a lot."
"You're very welcome, my darling," she said with a smile and made a slight shooing motion, telling him to get on with it without saying the words.
Alex took his leave, and by the time the door had closed behind him, his small smile dropped from his features like the deceptive calm that had settled over his mind.
John was probably mad at him now.
He had to be, what kind of person just did something like that? And then left poor fucking Eli all on his own in most likely a panic, not to mention that Alex had unintentionally incriminated John as well by throwing into Brown's face that he had told another person about the kiss.
Alex shook his head at himself and forced his spiralling thoughts back in line as he jolted himself into motion.
John would hear him out. He always did, he wasn't the kind of person to hold Alex's… emotional outbursts against him.
He rounded the corner and, lost in his own head as he was, ran into solid mass, for the second time that night.
Perhaps he should put more effort into watching where he was going in the future.
Alex had already opened his mouth to apologise when two warm but firm hands settled on his upper arms and held him steady, and he snapped his eyes up, ready to break someone's nose if he needed to-
"There you are. I was getting worried," John said in a low voice, and Alex's shoulders slumped when all the energy that had already gathered hot and tingly under his skin dissipated again.
And then he remembered that John wasn't necessarily the best person to run into, after all.
He averted his gaze and studied the floorboards at their feet instead of returning John's gaze, shame blooming in the spaces between his ribs.
"Did Brown find you? Is he alright?" he asked, and the hands slipped from his arms and fell back to John's sides.
"He sure did find me," he said, the relative gentleness of his voice replaced by an edge, and Alex willed himself not to flinch. "But I wouldn't say he's alright. He was… very upset, and it needed some convincing and me explaining the-" he paused, and Alex glanced up to see him checking if someone was coming up the stairs before he went on in almost a whisper, "nature of our relationship to get him to calm down. That- why would you say something like that to him? To anyone?"
The question didn't even sound accusing from John's mouth. It was a talent of his, he thought, to make anything sound genuine when he said it in that smooth, calming voice.
Alex bit his lip and crossed his arms over his chest, ducked his head. He didn't like that they were having this conversation out in the open, where anyone could come across them.
"I don't know," he admitted quietly, and John let out a loud breath. "I, umm, I really didn't mean to scare him. I didn't think before I started talking, he'd just asked me if I'd seen you, and I was- I was angry at him, and it all came out really wrong-"
"Alex," he interrupted, calm but without room for argument, and Alex shut his mouth. "You can't lash out like this at other people. I can take it, I know you don't mean it when something like this happens, but Christ. Eli was convinced he would be facing a firing-squad in the morning."
Alex squeezed his eyes shut, as if that would do anything to make those words less real. The guilt enveloped him steadily, like sparse drops of rain that marked the beginning of a proper shower, multiplying in their numbers until it was full on pouring and he was soaked from head to toe.
"I know, I'm sorry, I- I was on my way to apologise before I bumped into you-"
"Good. But can we make it a proper apology? None of that backhanded stuff you're so fond of, alright?"
He opened his eyes then to meet John's gaze dead on, a little bit offended. "Of course. I wronged him, so he's getting a real apology, why would you even question that?"
John sighed, and his lips curled into the beginnings of that crooked smile that made Alex swoon every time. "Because you are jealous of him and a very petty person."
"I'm not petty!" Alex shot back immediately, trying and failing to keep his voice down.
"But you're jealous?" John said, a single eyebrow raised, and Alex deflated again, the short flare of indignation dying down as fast as it had sparked to life.
He stayed silent for a second, thinking to himself that yes, he was both jealous and petty, and he hated himself a little for it.
"Of course I'm jealous," he said, a bit put out. "All that flirting, and then that kiss- but that still doesn't excuse my reaction."
John softened and reached out to raise Alex's chin so he would look at him again. "You're right, it doesn't. Even though I can't say I would have reacted any better if I'd been in your place, to be honest. And… I'm a bit miffed about that kiss as well. That's why you should ask first, but I digress. We can make this right, darling."
Alex nodded, shot John a hesitant little smile. The term of endearment did a lot to settle his nerves and reassure him John wasn't actually too mad at him, and the use of we was also very encouraging to hear.
They were still a team, even after Alex had fucked up again.
"Absolutely," he agreed, and John's lips stretched into a proper smile at that.
"That's what I like to hear," he said and stepped up next to Alex, fit himself to his side, and wrapped an arm around his waist. "After you, Colonel Hamilton."
"John," he gasped, a bit scandalised. "We are in public-"
The arm around his waist reeled him in even closer, and Alex couldn't help but melt a little at the possessive gesture, even if it did make him feel like some swooning maiden.
"If someone were to see us, I would just tell them you had too much to drink," he answered flippantly as he dragged the both of them down the dark corridor, back to their room.
Alex snorted a laugh and tried to sound equal measures offended and sarcastic. "Thanks."
"That's what you get," he teased–it was good-natured, and bizarrely, Alex felt more at ease at that very moment, pressed up against his husband where anyone could see, on their way to confront a man Alex had both antagonised over the past few days and deeply wronged on top of that, than he had all evening.
They reached the door, and that sense of comfort evaporated. Something cold and heavy settled in the pit of his stomach; John gave an affectionate squeeze around his middle and pressed a brief kiss to his temple, and Alex relaxed a little.
He drew in a breath and reached for the doorknob.
It was time to right his wrongs.