So, I guess it's time to address the proverbial elephant in the room: Beck. Things have always been weirdly complicated with him. Most people look at us as a couple and wonder how the hell I managed to land a guy like him. What they don't know is that I've asked myself that same question millions of times. I can never come up with an answer. I seriously don't know what he sees in me. Maybe he's secretly a masochist or maybe he really loves a challenge. We've had some hellish fights over the years. We've broken up more than is probably normal. But we pulled through it. We weathered quite a bit.

Then he moved.

He got a really great opportunity, a free ride at the New York Film Academy in South Beach, Florida. It was everything he was hoping for. So I told him to go. He asked me to come with him, but I couldn't. I didn't want to. I'm a west coast girl, born and raised in the depraved insanity of Los Angeles. I didn't want to leave it. I couldn't. Even for Beck. I don't know why. It just didn't feel right. It was one of those rare flashes of insight.

We didn't break up. Neither of us wanted to part on those terms. We kept in touch through texts and video chats. We still shared our big life news with each other. But it was different. We both sensed it, I think. Relationships are a big commitment, especially when you're in that weird state between being a kid and being an adult. Long-distance relationships were even tougher. They could work. I just wasn't entirely convinced ours was. I guess I could have fixed it and left for Florida. But I didn't. Make of that what you will.

Despite the slowly growing gulf between us, Beck was still the first one I texted when I heard back from Liz. She called me the morning after our meeting at Bots and said that she loved my script and that her production company would be "thrilled" to produce it.

I'd read her script as well. It wasn't my usual area of interest, not by a long shot, but Liz was a damn good writer. I'd have been an idiot to pass it up. The character's voices were all distinct and clear, and there was a lot of subtext packed into the twenty pages she'd sent me. Her lead role, a girl named Sara, jumped right off the page. She was, of course, ridiculously pretty, but in that humble, cutesy, small-town way, as if she didn't really know it herself. She was slender, with flowing brown hair and dark skin. She had a persistent (one might say relentless) optimism about life and her chance at happiness. Things came easy to her for most of her life, so of course, the big dramatic moments of the film were when she actually had to work for something, really fight for it.

Liz's writing was so vivid, it felt like I knew Sara before I even finished my first read-through of the script. By the end of my second read-through, I had an actual voice in my mind and a vague impression of what she might look like. After a third read-through, it occurred to me why this girl seemed so insufferably familiar. I felt a little nauseous.

When I texted Beck to let him know about the gig, I attached a copy of the short and a little message: Might get to direct this. Does the MC remind you of anyone?

A few hours later, his reply confirmed it: Congrats, that's awesome! It's a great script. MC reminds me of Tori. Thinking of casting her?

I was relieved that it wasn't just me. But there was no doubt, Sara and Tori might as well have been the same person. The irony of it all wasn't lost on me. My first big opportunity to direct and the specter of Tori Vega was right there with me. I didn't want to cast her, but even if I didn't, there's no way I wouldn't be reminded of her in every one of Sara's lines. Just when I thought I was rid of that perky beanpole and her incessant optimism. I had no interest in reconnecting with her so soon. Or at all. The very thought of putting up with those ridiculous cheekbones, or that radiant, infectious smile, or her dark skin and huge, gorgeous eyes, or those long legs…

Dude. Stop. What the hell are you doing?

I physically smacked myself across the face.

Bad Jade. Bad! Jade!

Another smack and I had shaken myself out of it. Where the hell did that come from? I went from bitching about her to thinking about her fit, slender, flawless body in a matter of seconds. No. Just no.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I heard Cat's voice, from a conversation we'd had months ago.

"Ever since Tori came along, you've started acting more like a friend. And I've seen how you look at her sometimes. It just seems like maybe you feel more for her than you let on."

I had nearly wrecked my car when she said that. As far as I was concerned, I felt nothing but contempt for Tori. The intensity of said contempt ebbed and waned over the years, but it was ever-present. Which was great, because it had always kept her on her toes around me. She never knew which version of me she'd get so she was constantly walking on eggshells, trying not to piss me off. But it also led to her making overtures toward me now and again, moments where she'd do something so ridiculously, incredibly kind, it actually made me stop and realize that despite my best efforts, there was something about her I was drawn to.

Like the time she took the fall for giving me a black eye (which I faked, to get her in trouble), even though she knew I had faked it. Or the time she refused to kiss Beck during one of our break-ups because she didn't want to hurt me. She didn't know it, but those were big moments between us. Those were the things I'd never, ever forget. Those were the things that made me really think about my feelings for her.

They were also the things that pissed me off to no end. Up until Vega showed up, I had a nice, simple life. I worked hard at school, I hung out with my boyfriend, and I got to express myself all the time, through song, through acting, through directing. Then she crashed into my life and suddenly nothing was simple anymore. I hated her for it. And yet, there was something about her…

It killed me to try and sort through it. I was overthinking things. I couldn't stand her. She had flashes of being all right, and I admit I had moments of weakness where I may have let it seem like I liked her. But I didn't. I absolutely didn't.

Stop lying to yourself, idiot.

I was ready to smack myself again, but I heard the key jiggle in the lock as my dad stepped in. He seemed surprised to see me. I could tell, because he stopped moving for half a second when he saw me sitting on the couch, my PearPad in hand.

"Why aren't you at work?" he asked in his typical flat, no-BS tone. He started shuffling through papers on the coffee table.

"I took a vacation day. I got hired for a side project. Wanted to get started on it."

"What sort of side project?" he asked, moving to the end table next to me and continuing his search.

"Directing a short film for Grim Productions."

I could hear his eyes roll. "That sleazy horror movie company?"

"They're not sleazy," I said harshly. "And if this goes well, it could lead to more work with them. So it's a good, long-term investment."

"Only if you do well."

I took a deep breath. I had too much to do and fighting with the old man was the last thing on my mind. "Obviously," I said through gritted teeth. "Look, I've heard all this before. Can I just work on this please?"

He picked up an envelope from the stand he was searching. "I was just here for this. I'm heading back to work."

He tucked the envelope into his jacket pocket and disappeared out the door. I didn't really expect much else. He was a man of few words and even fewer emotions. I'm pretty sure he was half-android, at least when it came to dealing with me. He had plenty of affection for his latest wife. At least this one didn't have a yappy dog. Small favors, right?

I went back to the list of actors I'd collected. I'd worked with most of them before and knew they'd be up to work for next-to-nothing. I didn't have a budget to speak of, so the cheaper, the better. I wasn't that far into the list when my phone rang. I was glad to see Beck's number; it had been a few days since we actually talked. I answered on speakerphone.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey." It was great to hear his voice. It was so soft and calming, I felt the tense muscles in my back loosen up just a bit. "So you didn't respond to my text. Figured I'd see how it was going."

I winced; he was right, I hadn't replied. "Yeah, I know. I was going to."

"No, you weren't. You were going to leave it hang there for a few hours and then ask me something else to change the subject."

He knew me so well. That was both reassuring and very irritating. "That still counts as a response," I said.

"You don't want to ask her, do you?"

I groaned. I really didn't want to deal with the questions. Beck should have known better. "What do you think?"

"I think you know she's perfect for the part."

"Oh, of course she is," I snapped. "She's always perfect for everything."

"That's not true," he said. I could almost hear the smirk on his face. "I wouldn't cast her in any of the films or plays you've written. She's definitely not perfect for those."

I huffed and crossed my arms, wishing he were there to be distracted by the cleavage.

"You just crossed your arms, didn't you?"

Damn, he was good. "No," I said.

"So what's the big deal? Just don't cast her. Maybe there's someone else out there who'd do good with it. What's your budget?"

"Zero dollars."

"Ouch. Maybe I could use some context. Why are you doing this? The script was really good but it's not your usual thing."

"I guess I didn't give you any details. So the screenwriter, Liz, she's also the head of Grim Productions."

"I love those guys," Beck said. "She wrote this?"

"Yeah. She's is trying to make a deal with Paramore to get funding for a script she optioned from Jay Malloy."

"Nice. He's really good."

"Yeah, but Grim's never done a mainstream movie. Paramore wants to see they can handle something like this before they'll commit."

"Ah, I get it," Beck said. "So this Liz hired you to direct her mainstream short."

"Exactly."

He was silent for a moment. "Has she seen your work?"

"Yes," I said quickly. "She thinks I can handle it."

"What do you think?"

"Of course I can," I said, sounding about as convincing as Cat would before a physics test. The truth was, I was nervous about it. This frustration over finding a lead was, realistically, a small issue. One any other director would be able to get over quickly. I mean it's a no-brainer. Suck it up and worth with someone you don't like so you can get the project done. But here I was, stumbling right out of the gate.

Beck knew it, too. I could hear it in his voice. "Uh-huh," he said. "You sure?"

"No. Not at all. Damn you for making me say it."

"You've been thinking it or we wouldn't be having this discussion."

"What's the big deal? Why can't I just call the little princess and tell her I need her?" Wait, that didn't sound right. "To be in my movie," I added quickly. Too quickly, and not quickly enough.

"Right," Beck said slowly. There was something in his tone I didn't like. "Look, you've always been kind of…mixed up about Tori. Sometimes you seem to be okay with her, sometimes you want to ruin her life. Naturally, you're struggling with it. Weird, maybe. But pretty normal for you."

"What do you mean mixed up?" I asked indignantly. "I'm not mixed up at all. I can't stand her. I don't want her involved with this."

"Okay," Beck said in a way that suggested he didn't believe a word of it. "Then don't involve her."

"Fine. I won't."

"All right." I could hear him take a breath. "Look, I hate to cut it short, but I've gotta go," Beck said.

"Already?" I tried to hide my disappointment, but I doubt it worked.

"Yep. It's morning here, still. Gotta get to class. I'll call you later if you want."

"Sure. I mean…if you're free."

"Cool. See ya."

"Yeah."

And then he was gone. I stared at the blank screen for a few minutes. Something inside of me felt every bit as vacant as the screen. I hated the distance. I hated how we were drifting.

And I hated feeling sorry for myself about it.

I flipped open my contacts and scrolled down to the Vs. There were only two: Cat Valentine and…and the one I didn't want to hit. A wave of nausea hit me. It came out of nowhere and passed almost as quickly.

Oh my god. What the hell was that?

I took a deep breath. My thumb hovered over her name. My hand shook as I tried to force it down.

Come on, Jade, hit the damn name!

My chest felt tight and it got tighter every time my thumb dropped.

What the hell is wrong with me? You've talked to her hundreds of times, press the damn…

I realized as my thumb finally hit her name that I'd been holding my breath. Everything spun for a second as I gasped for breath. I barely registered the rings. But I heard the voice when it picked up. Vega's voice.

"Jade?"

Shit.