authorsnote: it is update time bbyyyyy
apologies for the delay on this one - end of financial year at work, spreadsheets making me want to claw my eyes out
anywho, do enjoy! so much damn angst! I love it, and be warned - if you're not an angst fan this is not the fic for you!
songrecs: fighter - christina aguilera
She knows she should go back to her friends, find the Prefect car, even help patrol the corridors. She should go back, no doubt they are worried about her, looking for her. With Harry's newfound Malfoy paranoia (which she realises with a sigh he was right about), he's probably bouncing off the walls with anger and worry, Ron too is probably concerned she hasn't returned. She should go and find them, go back to them.
She doesn't.
Instead she just sits in the train car, rain lashing on the window, curled up in the seat as she looks out as they pass the forests, as the night rolls past, as Hogwarts approaches.
She has no idea what has happened, no idea how to process it.
Soulbond, werewolf, not ready, not deserving.
How can she process any of this when she has no answers? That is what she thrives on! She doesn't know something – she finds it out. She isn't sure of an answer – she looks it up. She has no idea what a soulbond means and Malfoy won't tell her? What can she do? She has a horrible feeling that research will only get her so far.
She needs to talk to Malfoy, though based on their last conversation that seems neither wise nor possible. He was a nightmare to deal with before, a bully, a racist, elitist; he won't be any easier now. Her stomach curls with dread just at the thought.
She can't talk to anyone else. She decided as soon as she awoke - she couldn't tell her friends. She won't burden them, not Harry, poor Harry, already with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Ron, dear Ron, who she had been crushing on for years, but now when she searches for the tendril of longing she'd still felt not days earlier? Gone.
How can she tell them when she doesn't even know where to start? How can she explain to Harry that yes; his suspicions are correct, but now she's entwined with Malfoy in some unknown way? How can she explain to Ron that just weeks earlier she'd been daydreaming about him, but now like a vanishing spell cast those feelings are gone? A product of the soulbond she guesses.
But doesn't know because Malfoy won't tell her.
Fuck.
She's going to have to speak to him, to make him speak to her. She can't be left in the dark like this, it isn't right, it isn't fair. She remembers the gold light, Malfoy's insistence that she isn't ready; what could that mean? She needs to be ready; she needs to know.
With a sigh she leans her head against the window, the cold helping some, she didn't realise how flushed she felt. Once she gets to Hogwarts she'll find Malfoy, demand he give her answers, then she can process, then she can understand, then she can stop feeling so numb with confusion, the flickers of fear held at bay only be adrenaline.
She feels a little sick, perhaps it's a migraine coming on, she isn't sure. She feels so jumbled, something she is not used to feeling and when she does it always knocks her off kilter. She doesn't like feeling this way and she lets her eyes slide close as she leans against the train window, it helps some, to try and blur everything else out as she focuses on what she needs to do; what she must do.
She'll find Malfoy and demand he talk to her, for what else can she do?
Nothing. That is the answer, there is nothing else she can do. She needs answers, and she needs them now.
She realises, unfortunately that when the train docks and she steps into the station it won't be that simple, even as she spots that familiar wash of blonde hair further down the line. Well, at least he's here, that makes it slightly easier.
Barely.
What can she do? Ambush him when they reach the gates? Stop him before they get to the carriages? Try and ride up with him? All seem like a nightmare, after all she and Malfoy don't interact outside of him sneering at her, she doesn't want to cause any suspicion.
She feels keeping their … situation, between them for as long as humanly possible is probably the safest plan. She doesn't even know what is between them, what it means, she hardly needs anyone else sticking their noses in, speculating and trying to get involved.
She knows Harry will react with anger towards Malfoy, Ron will be furious at him too and her, Ginny will be worried, Luna will probably offer some insight that is so vague it will infuriate her and Neville will be so sorry. No, she doesn't need that right now, none of it.
She thinks over her ideas then, snapping herself back to logistics, that works best for her, and then here; what will work best? She knows what will actually work best is waiting until they reach the Castle, eat dinner, wait patiently through, and then grab him after. That would be the most discreet, non-suspicious way to do it she is sure. She glances down the line again and can see him, but he doesn't look her away, she can see it's him though, by his hair.
And if she's not mistaken the fact that he has a bit of a glow now. Not like the blinding (but oddly beautiful) light that she'd seen been smacked with before, but now it's faint, almost mistakable but she can see it, the light glow that clings to him – golden.
She briefly wonders if she glows to him and then dismisses that thought as silly, her cheeks heating just a touch – what does that matter?
She knows she should wait, be patient, but patience has never been one of her best qualities. She can't wait, not for hours, not when her curiosity is squirming inside of her, desperate to break free. She is not the type to simply sit idle and wait for answers to come to her, she goes and finds them.
She can't wait that long no. She's not the patient type, never will be.
She does manage to hold back a little though, to slip behind one of the pillars at the station as she spots Harry and Ron, to put a poor disillusionment charm on herself (not her best, but it covers her well enough). She feels an awful curl of guilt as she see's them storming through the station, clearly worried about her. She'll need to assuage their worries later, but not now, right now she needs to soothe her own.
And then she sees Malfoy walking past, at the back of his pack of cronies (unusually), and she see's her chance, as the students begin to filter out, she's just thankful he's at the back.
As his group walk past her pillar she makes her move. Sure, a few students will see Malfoy get yanked by a mysterious force but she can't worry about that now, she is being as discreet as possible without putting herself through the torture of dinner without answers.
"What the f…" Malfoy exclaims as her hand shoots out and she grabs him, hard. She's thankful he's taken by surprise, that he can be yanked by her, that he doesn't fight back for a split second. It gives her just enough time to cast a dissolve on her dissolusionment charm and then quickly throw up a privacy charm to cover them both.
She isn't sure what to make of the fact Malfoy's body seems to relax when he realises it's her, though his eyes remain hostile and his words worse.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" He basically growls at her and she is proud she manages not to flinch, and just throws him a vicious glare back.
She feels less scared than earlier, just mad.
How dare he withhold such important information from her just because he's angry? How can he?! Of course she shouldn't be shocked, considering it's Malfoy, but she still feels a hot spurt of fury that he would keep her in the dark about something so important.
"I think I am carrying on our earlier conversation" She hisses at him, because though she's put up a privacy bubble, the station is still busy and privacy bubbles won't cover yelling, which she feels they could devolve into quite quickly.
"And I thought I cut it short" He sneers back at her and she fires right back, her anger overtaking anything else.
Call her a Mudblood? She'll glare and then cry at night. Erupt at her like he had earlier? She'll act embarrassingly un-Hermione Granger like and scared. But withhold vital knowledge from her? Then the claws come out.
"Why because I hurt your feelings?" She sneers then, and he blinks a little surprised. An outsider would comment that her sneer is almost a copy of his, though he'd never admit that, neither would she to herself.
The idea that she has anything in common with Draco Malfoy is something she'd deny to her grave, even when several examples could spring to mind.
"Fuck you Granger" He says, managing to gain his composure, the flash of his own curiosity at her response long buried beneath a hostile glare, "I told you you're not ready"
"And you get to decide that?" She fires back.
"Yes I do" He says furiously, and she can see his temper bubbling again but this time she glares back, she won't flinch in front of him, not again, "On the account of I'm the fucking half-breed"
"Don't say that" She says her tone full of disapproving and anger, and she ignores Malfoy's eyebrows shooting up, "And I'm in this too" She says, frustration seeping through her now, can't he understand? This isn't just about him! Though she isn't surprised he'd make it that, "Or am I? I don't know, since you won't explain"
He just growls then, shakes his head and turns away from her, she can see he's frustrated as well, and she knows a softer approach might work now but she can't bring herself to do it, to play nice, not when he's being so selfish.
Hermione Granger is known for having a vindictive streak a mile wide. She's nice enough but not selfless like Harry, not kind like Ron, she's not like that, not fully, and she can't stand to be nice to Malfoy of all people when he's pissed her off so much, even if it might work.
Thankfully it doesn't come to that, especially because she can't help the words that come next. "What? Scared to tell me? I've taken you for many things Malfoy, but coward…?"
She doesn't get to finish the sentence.
It's like in the train car, he's on her again, hands clutching her biceps and she is actually lifted off the ground as he presses her to the pilar. She does notice he's a little gentler this time, but he still holds her hard as he places her down and just pushes her back against the post. She squirms but his grip is like iron.
"Get your hands off me" She growls now, and Malfoy just gives her a vicious glare.
"You want to know?" He says and she does have a creeping of fear entering her again, he sounds worse than before, worse than anyway she's ever heard him, and he slams her against the post then, it doesn't hurt, but certainly jolts her. She's tempted to reach for her wand, she only doesn't for two reasons.
Can't.
Won't.
And she needs answers, she won't interrupt Malfoy with a well-placed hex when she feels she might actually get them.
"Oh, did I give that impression?" She says sarcastically and through her teeth, sensing that it is actually goading that will get her what she wants here, and she can't bring herself to try any other technique.
She needs to know.
"Fuck you're such a nightmare" He growls, and then he shakes his head, even nearly laughs. "You really want to know? Want to know how fucked we both are?"
She just nods then, how can she not? She's suddenly terrified about what he'll say, what earth shattering news he'll tell her, terrified yes, but she'd never deny knowledge. It's not her.
When he speaks she kind of wishes it was. Why does she have to know everything? Life would be simpler if she didn't. But that has never been her, and never will be.
"This is it Granger" He says, and his hands still clutch her biceps, his voice is still full of fury but he seems different, a little more resigned, though still angry, it creeps into his voice, "For you and me, this is it"
"What is it?" She asks, for she can't help herself and Malfoy is hardly forthcoming.
"As in no one else" He roars and she flinches, "You and me? That's it, for fucking life" He says with a shake of his head, "No one else, ever" He rips away from her then, turns away, his hands going to his head. She wonders if he turned away because he can't stand to look at her or because he was worried he'd hurt her.
She suspects it might be both.
She feels cold she realises. Her head feels like it might have been submerged for a minute, underwater, and now she's back up. She doesn't feel foggy or confused, just cold, and she realises then she's shaking a little, she wonders if it is just adrenaline keeping her standing, she thinks so.
"No" She manages to say, though she feels like her mouth is moving and she isn't thinking about what she says, it's just what comes to her, and 'no' is her first reaction, though her most visceral comes next, "No way, no, no, no"
"Exactly" Malfoy sneers, not offended by her disgust but if anything, understanding of it. Neither of them want this, not at all. No, no, no.
This isn't some star crossed, romance novel with a sweet heroine and kind but brooding superhero. This is them, he's a bully, she the kind of person he hates. No, no, no.
Just them? It isn't hard to work out what he means. No. Discounting Ron (who she hates that her crush has evaporated, no doubt this stupid soulbonds doing), and Viktor, she's never had a proper crush! It's not fair that all of that will be robbed from her, especially because of Malfoy.
No way.
"You must be wrong" She spits back, for what else can she say? This can't be happening, what he's suggesting. No, absolutely not. She'd be horrified at the idea if it was someone she liked, it's even worse that it is Malfoy, childhood bully and bigot. No, no, no. "You must have got it wrong"
He laughs then and that sends a chill down her spine, his anger is dissipating now, to bitterness and that is worse. That has something cold settle in her stomach, that Malfoy has graduated to bitter means acceptance, which she cannot and will not do. No.
"I fucking wish" He says with a shake of his head, "I wish I'd got it wrong" He says and then she feels a trickle of rain, it doesn't matter, none of it matters, not when she's faced with this.
"You must have" She insists but then he's sneering at her again.
"You may live with a book shoved up your arse and have an inflated ego from being the teachers pet but don't doubt my knowledge Granger" He says, and she hates that she knows he is educated, he is smart, almost as much as her, she's not dealing with some idiot who read something wrong, and that is terrifying, because he knows more about this than she does, she can't dispute him. "This is it"
"It can't be" She finds herself whispering then, and if it were anyone but Malfoy she could swore she saw a flash of pity in his eyes, but then it's replaced with a glare and she knows she must have imagined it.
"There" He says, motioning with his hand, "Happy you know? Happy you nagged me in to telling you?" He mocks, "Happy to know that I'm it for you? And you for me?" He shakes his head again, "I'd rather not know myself, and it's me"
"It can't" She repeats, and then Malfoy laughs again, it's hollow and she feels like she might vomit.
"It is" She gets an odd sense he is revelling in shoving this in her face, perhaps it is the only joy he can get out of it, perhaps it's his way of coping.
"No" She's barely speaking now but Malfoy hears her, she knows he does.
"I know" His voice drops a little then and her eyes find his – Malfoy seems to be borderline trying to empathise with her? Seconds earlier he'd been roaring, shoving, and glaring, now his tone drops to hers – mood swings, she presumes that is part of his condition, and they give her whiplash.
"Where did you find this out?" She asks, her voice raising a little now. She is not the kind to accept this, she absolutely will not. She won't lie back, take Malfoy's word as gold, and just meekly go along. She is Hermione Granger, logical, thorough, genius. She's not just going to accept it.
She can't.
"Some books, Greyback" She flinches at his name but Malfoy doesn't sneer at her for that, anyone who has any sense of self preservation would be terrified of Greyback and she feels a streak of pity that Malfoy has to deal with him, she suspects he is the one who bit him but she doesn't dare ask. "And I just know"
"You just know?" She doesn't completely mean to sound mocking but she does.
"Yes" She's surprised Malfoy doesn't go on the defensive at her tone, again he just looks bitter, "Trust me, if I could claw it out of me I would"
"What? This weird way you know we're soulbonded?" She wrinkles her brow then, "You'd get rid of it? What point would that be?"
"No" He shakes his head, and his smile is so bitter it practically cracks, "I mean I'd claw it out of me"
"What?" She knows the answer, of course she does, but she has to ask, she is Hermione Granger after all.
"My soul"
And then he's gone, in the direction of the school. She doesn't have the heart, willpower or even desire to follow him.
sooo thoughts?
pov wise I do want to point out - this will be dual pov but primarily hermione's, it just makes more sense to tell the story more from her perspective but rest assured draco's pov will be a very regular occurrence too. just more 65/35, not 50/50.
I do hope you enjoyed! let me know if you did! and how d'you feel about angst? love it? hate it? tell me!
as always do fav/follow
speak soon