AN: sorry for the delay. In my defense, I got married and started a new job... but it did take me forever.
Thank you all for reading!
I was prepping lasagna because I know it was Jacob's favorite meal. My dad sat at the table, peering at me wearily. I could see the question form in his eyes before he asked, and I felt dread sweep into my stomach as my father studied me.
"You might as well just ask, dad." I said bluntly. It was out of character, but I was tired of the game everyone seemed to be playing with me. I was tired of people walking on eggshells and treating me like I could break at any moment.
I guess I was being unfair. I had broken down before and shut my father out. I can't imagine my stint as a "walking zombie" had been easy on my father. Still. I wasn't falling apart. I wasn't breaking to pieces, and I was sick of people acting like I was. The last two weeks had been hard, certainly, but I felt I had handled it well.
Or at least better than I had in the past.
"I don't even know where to begin, Bella." My dad replied. "I have so many questions."
I stared up at him, giving him time to form his questions. The air had been tense between my dad and I since he had found out about the motorcycles. He hadn't given me the opportunity to explain why I had been so reckless, and I honestly wasn't sure that I could explain if I wanted to. How do you tell your father that you are so completely messed up that you were hearing voices? How could I explain without telling my father the truth about everything supernatural?
Jacob was still petitioning with his tribe and pack, asking them to allow Charlie in on the big secret. Sam fought against him vehemently - the tension between the two wolves was unbearable. When they were around each other, Sam and Jacob weren't friends, weren't brothers. Their relationship had dissolved into something more promise, wolf-like. Jacob couldn't stand to be in the same room as Sam anymore. He didn't want to be Alpha, but everytime Sam and Jake disagreed, Jake could feel the pull to challenge his friend. It was making him angier, tenser then he had ever been, and controlling the rage that accompanied the wolf was becoming undeniable. Jacob had confessed that he only felt like himself around my presence.
I still wasn't sure what to do with that.
Jake had been true to his word, at least as far as he was able to. Although he still was relatively touchy - holding my hand, slinging his arm around my shoulders, and pulling me into warm hugs - he hadn't tried to kiss me or do anything outside the realm of platonic friendship. He hadn't brought up his feelings or my feelings for Edward.
Although, having been grounded for the past two weeks, I had barely seen Jake, at least in comparison to how it used to be. We talked on the phone, almost every day, and he had been allowed to come over for "supervised visits." Charlie and Billy had remained in the living room and allowed Jake and I to have the kitchen to ourselves, though the TV remained on the lowest possible volume setting. We were both convinced that they were trying to hear everything that passed between us.
Of course, a grounding couldn't really keep Jake away from me. He visited late at night, though he had insisted that I come outside to him, saying that we shouldn't push our luck at the possibility of Charlie finding Jake sneaking into my room late at night. Honestly, that was fine by me. It was difficult enough for me to keep my hands off of Jake when we were alone together. Adding a room and a possible romantic setting would only make matters worse.
My father sighed. "Can you be honest with me?" He asked. "We only have about 20 minutes before Jake and Billy arrive, so I doubt I have time for all of my questions, but…" I allowed him to trail off.
I nodded my head. I couldn't necessarily be as honest as I would like to be because my life had basically been turned into one big, all consuming secret. I didn't know what questions my father would ask, but I was hoping they would be the realm where I could answer honestly without coming close to the secrets that defined my life.
"Why motorcycles? How could you and Jake be so reckless?"
"I brought the motorcycles to Jake. The Marks were giving them away. I saw them and wanted to ride them. That was the day I called you and asked for directions to the Blacks." I looked at him guilty.
"You went to Jake because he was a mechanic." Charlie frowned. "That's it?"
Shame flooded through me. "That's how it started, yes. But I quickly realized how much I liked spending time with Jake." There was a pause. "Don't blame Jake for any of this. It's all on me. I knew from the first time I met Jake that he liked me. I knew if I took the bikes to him, he'd help without asking questions."
Charlie blinked, a sour look crossing his face. "You used him?" He asked. "I thought you and Jake were friends."
"We are!" I said. "I went to Jake because I knew he wouldn't say no to spending time with me, but it wasn't ever like that. We spent a few hours together that day and if he had told me he couldn't have fixed the bikes, it wouldn't have mattered, we still would have hung out just as much as we do. He made me laugh for the first time in forever. He quickly became my best friend - the motorcycles just gave us common ground."
I willed my dad to understand, though I understood his frustration. He cared about Jake, and what I had done hadn't been fair. Although, I am fairly certain that Jake knew all along. We were just connected in a way that I know he understood.
"Fine." He said, accepting what I said. "Why motorcycles though?"
I took a deep breath, debating on lying to my father. I looked at him and realized I couldn't, at least not about this. "I'm not sure you are going to like my answer. When Edward left he made me promise not to do anything reckless in his absence. When Jessica and I went to Port Angeles, I saw something that reminded me of Edward, and I heard his voice in my head, telling me not to do anything reckless. And then, whenever I did something life threatening I could hear his voice, clear as day."
My father studied me. "How often could you hear his voice?" He asked after a moment. I couldn't read the expression on his face.
"Only when I did something reckless. When Jake and I first rode the motorcycles and then again… when I went cliff diving."
Charlie's face was all anger. "You! You what?" He practically growled.
"Jake was supposed to take me, but then he was busy. He was angry, too." My words did nothing to ease Charlie's mind, though I doubted they would. It was practically just word vomit at this point, there was no controlling the words that were leaving my mouth.
"Jake was willing to take you?" He asked, still angry.
"Yes, dad." I sighed. "Again, you can't really blame him. He wanted to go with me to keep me safe; he's always keeping me safe."
"He could have talked you out of it!" Charlie yelled.
"No, he couldn't. He knows me. If he didn't go with me, I would have gone alone." This was the truth. I had gone without him. I acted stupidly and rashly and I was only alive today because of him.
Charlie pursed his lips and clenched his jaw. I could see the anger bubbling beneath the surface, but he was trying his best to keep it in check. My father's questions weren't done, and we both knew it. Whatever anger - and possible consequences - that was building because of my honesty would have to wait. He wanted more information.
"Be mad at me. Not Jake. All Jake has ever done is try to make me happy." My voice broke, my sentence ending in barely a whisper.
"Does he?" Charlie asked, softer now that he had seen my pain.
"Does he what?" I asked, putting off answering.
"Does Jake make you happy? Are you… together."
"I am certainly the happiest when I am with him." A let a few seconds pass by without speaking again. "Jake and I aren't really together. I've asked him to give me more time. I'm not ready… not after everything that has happened."
"But a part of you wants to be with him?" Charlie asked.
How the hell did I answer that question honestly? A part of me - a big, overwhelming part - wanted to practically rip what little clothing Jake wore off his body ever time I saw him. Whoa. I steadied myself. That was absolutely ludicrous.
"Yes." I whispered. "But another part of me feels like I'm betraying him... how can I be so tied to a person who left me behind?"
Charlie looked at me with a curious look, and took a deep breath. "Sometimes I forget we are so similar. You can't hold on to someone who doesn't want you."
"I know." I sighed. "I just don't know how to let go."
He studied me for a second, before swiftly changing the subject. "I have a few more questions. What happened with Jake when you were fighting? You were so convinced something was wrong. Billy said that you had led Jake on, and Jake got hurt, but everything you just said doesn't align with that."
I took a deep breath. It was best if I stayed closest to the truth or Charlie would know I was lying. But I'd have to do some lying here, there was no way around it.
"We were fighting about where our relationship was headed. Jake was never subtle about what he wanted, and I knew even before he told me. I told him I was broken, that I wasn't sure there was a part of my left that could feel that way again."
This was all true. I took another shaky breath, trying to bridge the gap between where I started and a believable explanation Charlie would understand.
"He seemed okay with it at first, but then he became angry. He was more angry at the Cullens and Edward, but he was also a little angry with me. He said us being together would be as easy as breathing, and perhaps in another life it would have been. But I'm so broken. Even though I may want something with Jake, I can't heal myself overnight."
Charlie frowned. "Is Jake… pressuring you?"
"What? No! But I see why he's frustrated. He can read me so well. A part of me really wants this with Jake. The other part needs time to heal. I'm giving off mixed messages."
"You're not telling me something." Charlie accused.
Internally, I chuckled. How long had I been hiding things from Charlie? Maybe I wasn't as good at hiding things as I thought I was. Maybe Charlie just hadn't been looking. Or maybe he didn't want to find out what he was purposely avoiding.
A knock thudded through the silence, startling us both. I wondered vaguely if Jake had hear any of our conversation. I wonder what he would think about my thoughts.
"There are some things you may find that you rather not know." I said, as I got up to let Billy and Jake in.
Billy entered first. I stepped aside so he could roll past me. The second he was past me, Jake pulled me into a bone crushing hug. His hands were in my hair, his face on my neck, blowing warm breath against my ear. I shivered.
He pulled away slightly, though he kept me in his arms, only pulling away enough to look at my face. He smiled at me, though the warmth didn't reach his eyes. He looked so incredibly tired. The last two weeks had been hardest on him, I realized.
"I made lasagna for you." I said softly. "I know it's your favorite."
His eyes lit up this time, the warmth spreading across his whole face as he beamed at me. He pulled me in for another hug, his head bending down to rest on mine.
He pulled away after a moment and released me. "You didn't have to do that, Bells." But I could hear the gratitude in his voice.
We walked out of the entryway and into the view of our fathers. The first thing I noticed was Billy's grim expression. I hadn't noticed it before in my hast to get to Jacob, but now that I had I felt dread pool in my stomach. Whatever Billy had to say was serious.
"How long until dinner is ready, Bella?" Billy asked in a voice that sounded eerily similar to his son's.
"30 minutes." I answered quietly. He sounded so like Jake. I could, in this moment, feel the anticipation and dread laced in his voice. We shared a glance, Billy and I, and I braced myself, fully aware that we would be altering my father's view on the world irrevocably.
He nodded and turned to my father. "There are things we must discuss, Charlie. Before I continue, you must promise your secrecy. What I have to say has never been shared with someone outside of our tribe, excluding your daughter."
"You dated a vampire?" Charlie demanded. "Is that what you meant, when you said there were things I was better off not knowing?"
In the end, it had been Jacob phasing that had convinced him. He had chuckled, following us to backyard as if to humor his old friend. After Jacob had phased - I had turned away as he stripped off his pants, my face burning - my father had blinked a few times before requesting to sit down. He made Jake phase again after fifteen minutes of sitting in stunned silence. Only then had my father believed. Now he was asking all of us questions.
"I - I..." But words failed me.
"You dated a vampire, and now you're kind of dating a werewolf." He repeated. "Are there any other suitors I should know about? Goblins, ghosts, wizards?"
Jacob sent me a look and a raised eyebrow. The "kind of dating" comment must have caught his attention. He winked at me. The audacity of that boy.
"No, Dad. There are no other mythical creatures. At least, to my knowledge." Although, at this point, nothing would really surprise me.
"Is there anything else I should know?" He looked at me, his glare accusing. "I was promised the truth, remember?"
"There's a red headed leech after Bella. The Cullens killed her mate, and now she's hellbent on killing Bella." Jacob growled, the wolf changing his features, making them feral and dangerous looking. "Some of the Cullens have returned to help protect her."
Jacob said "Cullen" with extreme loathing. The sharp edges and hard lines of anger hasn't left his face yet.
"Is she in danger?" Charlie asked, fear spilling into his voice.
"I won't let anything hurt her." Jacob said in the same rough voice. He looked at me, his features softening. "I'll protect her no matter what."
Jacob had said similar things to me before, but in this moment, I couldn't still the frantic beating of my heart or the flip of my stomach. He still looked like the wolf was in control, but it no longer baffled me. Now I looked at the hard lines of his face and realized that I found it completely alluring.
"Don't be afraid, Bells," Jacob whispered to me. He must of heard my the tempo of my heartbeat increase and assumed fear.
"I'm not afraid." I whispered back as comprehension dawned on his features. His face softened further and a wide grin transformed his face. He slung his arm around me and kissed my forehead softly, content knowing the effect his words had on me.
Charlie glanced over, observing our closeness and sending me a sharp look. My stomach plummeted as realization hit. Isn't this just what Charlie and I had just discussed? This was the heart of the problem. Jacob knew the second his actions affected me, could literally sense them as they happened. There was no controlling my heart beat or my automatic inhale of breath.
I could control how I acted, which I was really trying to work on. But my body knew what I wanted, even if my head and heart weren't fully there yet.
Jacob shifted ever so slightly, not pulling away, but putting a little distance between our bodies. Huh. Charlie's glare hadn't been for me, but for Jacob. I felt a rush of appreciation for my father, even if his protective instinct was misguided.
"And you really think you can protect her?" My father asked, softening the glare he had pointed in Jake's direction.
"I'm specifically designed to do so. My body is ten times stronger then any normal human, I heal quicker, and I can run much, much faster. As a wolf, all of these traits are heightened, making me incredibly lethal. And it's all to kill vampires." Jacob smiled cockily.
It's so bad that I even find his arrogance is attractive.
He quirked an eyebrow at me, his annoyingly attractive smugness growing further. I furrowed my brow, not understanding how Jake could possibly know, but his satisfied smile told me that somehow he did know. I just didn't understand how.
Dinner was scarfed down in silence. Billy and Jake left shortly after we finished eating. Whoever said the truth will set you free, obviously didn't understand anything about resentment and oppressive silences.
Charlie was restless the rest of the night. Jacob promised to stay and patrol, which eased his mind a little, but I could hear him moving around at four in the morning. Morning dawned on two very bleary eyed and tired Swans.
"I've thought a lot about this, Bells." Charlie said, startling me from my sleepy haze. "I think you need to talk to someone. You've dealt with a lot of trauma and you need to move on."
You need to move on. You. Need. To. Move. On.
The words were so easy, but I had no idea how to accomplish it.
"How can I?" I demanded. "I can't tell the truth."
"I've found, that in life, there isn't one truth. The truth is still the truth, even with a few details omitted."
I scoffed. "I'll keep that in mind for the future."
Charlie rolled his eyes. "No. We will be completely transparency from this point on."
"Fine. How do I tell half truths to this supposed therapist?"
"You were hunted, stalked, and threatened by someone named James. He tricked you, hurt you, and had every intention of killing you. The Cullens saved you. All of the trauma is there, Bells, with none of the supernatural side effects."
"You really think this will help?
"You said you wanted to move on, but you didn't know how to. Maybe a therapist will teach you how."
"Dad..." I whined.
"I can't teach you how." Charlie admitted. "And I won't let you live my life."
"He'll come around," Jacob assured me, though I had my doubts. Charlie had gone to work, and Jake had come over after school.
I sighed, leaning into Jake's warm embrace. "Are you as tired as I am?" I asked.
"Nah." He replied, but his exhaustion was clearly outlined on his facial features.
"C'mon." I pulled Jacob up the stairs and towards my room. "Let's take a nap. I'm too exhausted to do anything else."
"You want me to sleep with you?" He asked, with a suggestive look.
Heat spread through my body. For a second I imagined what I'm sure he imagined: our sweaty bodies intertwined under the covers as we passionately embraced over and over again.
Jacob hummed, leaning forward, resting his head against mine. His hands gripped my hips, and his lips found my neck. He pulled away just as I leaned in. "I'm sorry. It's impossible not to touch you when you're like this."
"Like what?" I questioned, confused. I hadn't done anything to prompt this reaction from him. Sometimes it felt like Jake could read my mind. A flush spread on Jacob's face, and he looked at me in what he thought was a meaningful way.
"What?" I asked, still not understanding.
"Bella, I can't keep my hands off you knowing that you're... excited. Especially knowing that I caused it."
I sputtered. "I'm not excited!" I countered. "You're so full of yourself."
"Full of myself?" He half growled, pinning me against the inside of my bedroom door. His voice lowered, huskiness fading into raspy tones. "Bella, I can smell you. You're not just a little excited, you're practically dripping right now, your scent is so fragrant."
I blushed. Of fucking course. Of course he could smell my attraction to him. He basically just told me that he knew I was wet for him. I wanted so bad to be indignant, but it was really hard when we both knew he was right.
I looked down, a blush spread across my entire body. "That's not fair! I'm trying so hard to be fair to you. I can't control the way my body reacts to you. I can't control my body's automatic responses."
Jacob blinked, for once lost for words. He still looked smug, the bastard.
"You knew last night, too, didn't you?" I mumbled.
He grinned. "Yes. Though I'm not really sure why you were so... affected."
"We are not having this conversation." I said, pushing him off of me. "Get in bed."
"Gladly. But, Bella, be gentle. It's my first time." He smirked at me, as he settled himself on my bed, arranging himself in a perched position, purposing allowing me a view of his shirtless muscles.
"You're ridiculous." I said, face flushing. I counted backwards from ten to one in my head, trying to reign in my hormones. There was absolutely no reason for my body to be this responsive to mere words.
"You know, if I wasn't a superhuman wolf, I may actually believe you. But you want me."
You want me.
God, was that ever true. I did want him. But I had to be fair to Jake. Letting into my desires would only continue to give Jake the wrong message.
I sighed loudly. "Will making me say it make you feel better?" I demanded.
"Bella..." His eyes were wide, his confidence waning against my aggressive tone. The bastard did not understand why I was angry.
"I'm just not sure what you want, exactly? What would hearing me say that I want you actually accomplish?"
He blinked at me. "Besides fulfilling a fantasy that I've been dreaming of since I met you, you mean? I suppose it doesn't have any other point." His voice was a little sarcastic, but his eyes bore into mine. I returned his stare, unsure of what exactly I wanted and hating myself because of it.
Beat. He looked defeated for a second. "Come here."
Jake patted the bed, and I walked over to him. He pulled me into his arms and into a laying position, situating himself around me in such a way that I felt fully surrounded by him. "I'm sorry." He breathed. "Its just hard not to react when I can literally smell, hear, and see that I am affecting you. I swear I'm not trying to push... But your reaction... it gets to me."
His tone was completely husky in my ear, which did not help the situation at all. I knew that Jake was perfectly in tune with how my body was responding to him. I could feel his heart beating against my back. Despite the absurdity of our situation, I felt his steady heart beat extremely comforting.
"You're affected? Besides being a little too smug, it feels like I'm the only one being affected." I wondered if we had used the word affected enough. I knew I was blushing like crazy. How could I not be?
"God, Bells. Of course I'm affected. I've wanted to be with you since the second I laid eyes on you. How could I not be affected?" He pulled me closer to his body, and I gasped in shock.
It appeared that I was, in fact, having an affect on him. I could feel his obvious arousal against the back of my leg. My eyes went wide as I twisted to looked up at him.
"Relax, Bells." He breathed. "I don't expect anything. But how could you think that I don't want you? I didn't know how else to prove my point."
"Jake..." I begged, not really sure what I was asking him. One part of me really wanted Jake to ravish me in my bed. The other part knew that would be a horrible idea. Allowing anything to progress would give Jacob the impression that I was ready for our relationship to grow to the next step.
And what if Edward returned?
I flinched, effectively ending the moment between Jake and I. He sighed, turning me around before mumbling, "Go to sleep."
I hated myself. I truly did. Because despite everything, despite realizing I was angry at Edward, despite knowing that he had the ability to rip me to shreds, despite knowing that Jacob was, in every way possible, the better option, I still wanted to be with Edward.
I wouldn't take him back, not at first, but if he did return, and he did want me... I would eventually cave.
I hated myself... Hated what it would do to Jacob. But it was still were I was.
Jacob fell asleep quickly, content to sleep curled around me. He pulled me tighter in his sleep, and I knew that this was exactly what he wanted. I didn't fall asleep, though I was glad he got some rest.
As he snored softly beside me, a thought took shape in my head. I had never really given Jacob a chance, had I? I never tried to be what he wanted me to be. I knew that there was a chance that Edward would be back, but there was very little chance he'd want me back. But Jake wanted me. I wanted him too, that much was obvious.
So what if Edward came back? Us being in the same vicinity wouldn't change anything. Being with Jake would change everything.
So I made a life changing choice. I decided to give myself to Jake. It could be the single most vulnerable thing I've ever done, but if there was one thing I knew, is that I could trust Jacob not only with my life, but also with my heart.
AN: Thoughts?