Chapter 4:

Inner Peace

"I learned a new term yesterday," Bucky said.

"Oh?" his therapist asked.

Bucky had been sitting silently in his therapist's office for a few minutes now. He wasn't sure how to bring up the topic. He wasn't even sure he wanted to, but he heard a voice that sounded a lot like Sam telling him to.

"Yeah. It's called touch-starved," Bucky told her.

"And how did you find this term?" his therapist asked, taking out her damn notebook. Bucky hated that notebook. It reminded him of the medical staff back at HYDRA. Every time he went there, they would pull out that damn notebook and Bucky knew that he wasn't just there for maintenance.

"Google," Bucky deadpanned.

"Ok, let me rephrase. Why did you look up this term?"

Bucky remembered his pre-written notes he had on this conversation. That was still something he hadn't talked to his therapist or even Sam about. He knew that it wasn't the most healthy habit to have, but it helped his anxiety so much that he couldn't stop.

Angel put her head in Bucky's lap and he rubbed her ears.

"I thought that it might apply to me," he decided on saying.

"And why did you think that?"

"You have too many questions doc, you know that?"

His therapist sighed, "I'm here to help you James. I can't do that unless I know the whole picture. So why did you think that?"

Bucky huffed, "It's a long story."

His therapist gave him a go on look, so Bucky continued.

—

Bucky was invited to another cookout with Sam's family. After Sam repeatedly telling Bucky that he was not intruding on a family thing, Bucky had agreed to go.

AJ and Cass loved Angel. They didn't question why Bucky had a service dog, they just asked politely to play with her and Bucky said yes.

The people at the cookout were so nice to him, it was such a nice change of pace from Brooklyn. Despite Sam telling Bucky that he could eat as much as he wanted, Bucky ate a normal person's amount of food. Being a super solider meant that he needed to consume more calories to boost his fast metabolism. However, he didn't want to stand out even more (the people loved his metal arm much to Bucky's surprise), so he toned down his eating, even if he was still hungry by the end of it.

It was sunset and Bucky was on the porch with a beer in his hand ("I can't get drunk Sam." "Yeah, well I can, so take one.") watching AJ and Cass playing with Angel. She seemed happy to play with someone other than Bucky. Bucky knew that a big golden retriever like Angel needed a lot of exercise, so he took her out on walks often. But he knew that she loved to play fetch more than the walks.

Sam was sitting on the other side of the table on the porch, silently sipping his beer. Bucky had finished his a long time ago, as well as a second and third, and almost wanted a fourth one with the hopes that maybe this time, he could get drunk, but stopped himself. It would never happen, as much as he tried to convince himself that it would.

Sam had finished his beer and went inside to get another when it happened. As Sam was passing by Bucky, he patted his right shoulder and said,

"I'll be back. Don't do anything stupid."

Bucky wasn't paying attention to what he said though. When Sam had touched his shoulder, a zap of electricity went through him. Sam's touch almost burned when he took his hand away. Despite the burning feeling Bucky's shoulder had for the rest of the night, Bucky found himself wanted more of Sam's touch.

This thought weirded out Bucky. He had no romantic feelings for Sam whatsoever. He hadn't really had any romantic feelings for anyone since HYDRA. Steve didn't count in Bucky's mind because he was pretty sure that Steve was straight and the feelings he had for Bucky were more platonic than anything. Those were bad thoughts anyway. Sick thoughts that Bucky pushed down deep inside of him.

So why had he wanted more of Sam's touch? Why did it burn? He couldn't make heads or tails of the situation and it felt embarrassing to ask Sam about it because he didn't want Sam to take it the wrong way. Right now, Sam was his only friend and he couldn't risk losing him.

So when he got to his house the next day (Sam said he drunk too much to drive safely and refused to let Bucky drive even though he knew how to, just because Bucky didn't have a driver's license yet. So they stayed the night at the Wilson's House), he looked up Burning Touch. The first few articles that popped up had nothing to do with what Bucky experienced, so he changed his search terms.

This time he tried Wanting more touch. The first thing that popped up was an article on touch-starvation. Bucky read through the article and found that he agreed with everything it said.

After some more research, he finally was able to admit to himself that he was touch-starved. He was confused at first. He touched Angel all the time and she was fine. But it seemed to be human touch that set him off the most. He figured that it must have been his time at HYDRA. They never touched him, too afraid that he would bite their hand off (he did actually do that once) and if they did, it wasn't nice.

—

"So yeah," Bucky said, "That's what happened."

His therapist was silent for a bit.

"I don't know what to do with it though," Bucky admitted.

"Well, you figured out the hardest part, which is the why," his therapist said, "Now we come up with a treatment plan."

Bucky groaned. He has had enough of these treatment plans. He knew deep down that they were important, but they required so much work that often found Bucky punching holes into his apartment walls.

His therapist gave him a list of ways to incorporate touch or mimic it in his daily life. She also implored Bucky to talk to Sam about it. She said that since Sam was his only friend (he needed more friends, but they would work on that later), that he would play a pivotal role in this treatment plan.

Bucky was already planning how to start the conversation with Sam in his head by the time his session was up and he was on the way home.

—

Bucky was pacing back and forth in his living room. Angel was pacing with him, sometimes cutting in front of Bucky as if to stop him. He took no notice of her though. He had planned to talk to Sam during movie night on Friday, but his therapist said that he needed to go out more. So he thought that he'd invite Sam over to his favorite diner. But there was a problem. Bucky didn't know how to ask in a way that didn't suggest it like a date.

He really didn't want Sam to take things the wrong way. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to have the conversation in public. The thought of having a panic attack in public didn't sound appealing to him. But he had spent all of yesterday in his apartment, going over the treatment plan his therapist gave him, and he really needed to go out and do something.

Angel started herding him towards the couch and pushed him down. She put her head in his lap.

"Sorry, sorry," he said to her, petting her head. He took a few deep breathes. Angel brought over one of her toys and Bucky got on the floor and started playing with her.

In his small apartment, it was hard to play games such as fetch, so they played games like tug of war instead.

Slowly, the racing thoughts in Bucky's head died down. Bucky smiled down at Angel, who was chewing on her toy. She knew exactly how to calm him down.

—

The next morning after Bucky went on his run, he sat down at his kitchen table with his bullet journal in front of him. He started writing conversation starters for his conversation with Sam. Once he was done with those, he planned out the actual conversation, including any responses Bucky thought Sam might have.

He looked up at the clock. It was almost lunch time. Perfect. The plan was to ask Sam if he wanted to go out somewhere for lunching then take a walk in Central Park. There, he would talk to Sam about the "touch-starved" stuff.

Bucky pulled out his phone. Now to start the conversation.

Bucky: hey, I recently found this great diner. My therapist recommended it. Want to go with me for lunch?

It took Bucky quite a while to come up with a way to ask Sam for lunch without making it sound like he wanted to go on a date with him. He still wasn't happy with what he ended up with (his therapist didn't actually recommend the diner, he found it by himself), but it would have to do. It wasn't long before Sam answered.

Pigeon: sure as long as you pay

Bucky: Fine, see you at 12?

Pigeon: send me the address dumbass

Bucky: Right, sorry

Bucky sent Sam the address of the diner and started playing the planned conversation in his head. Once he was happy with what he came up with, he put on Angel's vest and clipped her leash on. He pulled on some gloves and headed out towards the diner.

—

Bucky made it to the diner before Sam. The waitress recognized him from the dozen other times he had gone to the diner. She sat him down at his favorite table, the one in the back corner where he could see everyone who entered the diner, and asked,

"The usual?"

Bucky nodded.

"Ok, coming right up."

As Bucky waited for Sam, he once more rehearsed in his head what he wanted to say. It would start with casual conversation, and then Bucky would ask Sam if he wanted to go out on a walk since the weather was nice (as nice as it could be for it being the end of autumn in New York), and during the end of the walk (Bucky had planned on where they were going to go), he would sit down with Sam and tell him about his treatment plan.

"Hey, hey, earth to Bucky," a voice said. Bucky blinked and looked up. He was so caught up in his mind that he missed the fact that Sam had sat down across from him.

"Sorry," he said.

"That cyborg brain of yours computing?"

"Something like that."

"Here's your food," the waitress said, putting down a plate in front of Bucky. His usual was a stack of regular buttermilk pancakes, three scrambled eggs, an english muffin, with a side of bacon. It was a lot, more than Bucky could of had back during the depression, which is why he got it. The notion that he could have breakfast for lunch and no one could stop him also made it why this was his usual.

"Thanks," Bucky said, flashing the waitress a smile.

"Of course!" she turned to Sam, "And who is this gentleman?"

"Just a friend," Bucky said.

"Just a friend huh? Here's a menu," she said, sliding a menu over to Sam, "I'll be here when you're ready to order."

Sam took the menu and thanked her as she walked away. He faced Bucky.

"You come here a lot then?" he asked. Bucky froze. He didn't have a response prepared for this.

"Uh, yeah," he stammered.

"Just casual conversation, that's all," he reminded himself.

"The food's the closest I can find to what I grew up with," he continued after swallowing a mouthful of pancakes.

Sam hummed and opened the menu. Bucky could feel Sam's eyes glanced over the menu to look at him from time to time as he ate. He pretended not to notice though.

The waitress came back and Sam ordered his lunch. Actual lunch, not breakfast like Bucky.

They waited in silence for Sam's lunch to arrive. Sometimes Sam would open his mouth to say something, but close it at the last minutes. Bucky nervously petted Angel's head, waiting for the right time to ask Sam about the walk. All of the planned responses sounded wrong.

Sam's lunch appeared and they ate in silence. Bucky had finished his breakfast and waited for Sam to finish swallowing before saying,

"The city's changed since I've last been here." The in the 1940's was left unsaid, but Bucky knew that Sam knew what he meant. Sam looked up at him. Bucky continued.

"I've been trying to find my way around Brooklyn, but the streets are all different."

"You want a tour guide?" Sam asked. Bucky nodded.

"Sure."

"After lunch I'll take you on the official tour of Brooklyn Grandpa," Sam said with a smile.

"Thanks," Bucky said. He tried to sound enthusiastic about it, but his heart was beating so loud and his hand was all clammy that he had a hard time with it.

—

After lunch (Bucky paid like he said he would), Sam took him on the Official Tour of Brooklyn. He made sure that Bucky knew where the best places to eat were at, which places he should avoid, where tourist attractions are so that if he wanted to he could go, but Sam recommended that during tourist season he should avoid those too. Sam showed him all the subway stations (Bucky stood clear of the entrances, not wanting to get on one of them) and how to get in and out of Brooklyn.

Bucky's head was spinning by the end of it with all the information he was given. He knew that this was part of the plan, but he wasn't expecting to get so much out of it.

Near the end of the tour, Bucky asked Sam if they could go to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden, one of his favorite places to go to after a particularly hard night. He made sure that they were nearby it when he asked so that way he didn't have to take public transportation. Sam looked surprised, but said yes, so they headed there.

Bucky took Sam to his favorite spot, an area secluded by trees and a beautifully carved bench. He often sat at the bench with Angel at his feet, reading the newest book he got from the library.

Here was the spot he planned to have this conversation with Sam.

He sat down and Sam sat next to him. Angel slayed down at Bucky's feet, enjoying the cool breeze that swept through the park.

Bucky took a deep breath.

"So," he started, "I, uh…"

And just like that, he forgot what he was supposed to say. All his preparation went out the window as he looked down at Angel. His breathing picked up and his vision went blurry. Angel sat up and put her head in Bucky's lap. He shakily reached out his hand to pet her head. Sam put his hand on Bucky's shoulder. His right shoulder, the human one. Bucky tensed.

"Hey man, just take your time," Sam said, not noticing how Bucky tensed. Bucky took some deep breathes.

"Fine," he thought, "I'll go off the books, since my stupid brain won't work. You hear that brain?"

"My therapist said that I should talk to you."

"About?"

"About my new treatment plan," Bucky said, not looking Sam in the eye. He was delaying telling Sam about being touch-starved and he knew and he knew that Sam knew it.

"And what is this treatment plan for?" Sam asked, trying to get more information out of Bucky. Bucky could feel Sam's eyes on him, could see the worry in his face.

Bucky rubbed his hand down his face. Why couldn't he remember the plan? Why did today, out of all days, have to be the one that messed him up?

"Bucky, it's ok—" Sam started.

"I know," Bucky loudly interrupted him. Bucky sighed and said in a quieter voice, "I know. I'm trying. This… This is hard for me. You know, in the 40's I would have been put in the looney bin by now."

"Ok, first of all, the looney bin is not called that. It's called a psychiatric hospital, and it is not a bad place. They don't put you in straight jackets or anything like that anymore. The people there are there to help you when you can't help yourself. Second, you've made a lot of progress with you therapist so far, but I know that saying things out loud are scary, I know. So if you're not ready to tell me, then don't. We can just sit here."

Sam finished his speech. Bucky had tears in his eyes now. He wiped them away before they could fall.

"I want to tell you," he whispered, "I just need a minute."

Sam patted his back and that zap of electricity came back. Bucky rubbed Angel's ears.

"So, my therapist and I found out that I'm touch-starved," Bucky said, looking at the ground. Sam took his hand off of Bucky's shoulder.

"I've heard of that. That's when-"

"That's when I feel like I'm burning when someone touches me, yes."

"And you just figured this now?"

"I guess that I never really had time to process it. Ever since I woke up from HYDRA, it's just been one battle after another and I never really had any time to myself to figure things out," Bucky said, running his fingers through his hair. He left it down today. He had gotten into braids lately, but felt it weird to be going out with Sam with a braid in his hair.

"I see," Sam said, "You mentioned something about a treatment plan?"

Bucky nodded, "Yeah. My therapist gave me a treatment plan and you're part of it."

"And what am I supposed to do? Hug you all day?" Sam joked.

"Yeah, basically. Hugs are part of the plan. I was supposed to get a weighted blanket, but I don't know what that is. Baths are good too," Bucky told Sam.

Sam was silent for a bit before saying, "Well, would you like a hug now?"

Bucky shrugged his shoulders before nodding. Sam leaned in close to him and hesitantly wrapped his arms around Bucky. Electricity ran through Bucky's veins and then a sense of calm washed over him. He wrapped his arms around Sam, leaning into the touch.

This was the first hug he had gotten in a long, long, time. Steve might have hugged him once or twice, but mostly it was just pats on the shoulder.

Bucky didn't want to let go, ever. He held on tight to Sam. Soon, he found himself crying. He, the Winter Solider, was crying into Sam's, Captain America's, arms. For no reason other than a hug. The feeling of calm that washed over Bucky, he had only felt that feeling once before, and that was back in Wakanda.

Bucky didn't know how long they were hugging, but to him, it felt like forever. Sam held onto him as he cried, rubbing circles into his back. When Bucky stopped crying, they stayed together for a few more seconds before Sam pulled away. It took everything in Bucky's power to not whine at the loss of contact.

"How many hugs a day am I supposed to give you?" Sam asked.

"I don't know," Bucky mumbled, "Thank you for the hug."

"Yeah man. Thank you for telling me. Touch-starvation is a real thing that can get pretty serious, so anything I can do to help, let me know."

"I will," Bucky told him.

Sam scooted closer to Bucky so that their shoulders were touching. They stayed that way, watching the sunset through the trees. Bucky closed his eyes. The peacefulness of the scene was so surreal to him. When he told his therapist that he wanted peace, this was the kind he wanted. Inner peace, to feel comfortable with himself.

He'll get there eventually. Right now, he was going to get a lot of hugs and blankets and baths and whatever else was on that treatment plan. He wanted this peace to last forever, and he would do whatever it took to keep it.

—

A/N:

Hey guys! Sorry this is a shorter one. I've had a bit of writer's block writing this one, which is why I haven't posted lately. I really like the idea of Bucky being touch-starved from his time at HYDRA, so I tried my hand at it.

I'm going to be honest with you guys, I don't really like how it ended up, but I hope that you enjoyed it. If you have any suggestions of what I should write next, leave a comment.

I hope to create a schedule for these and post every Friday or Saturday, so that way you guys know what to expect.

Also, I want to point out that in this fic, Bucky often feels like Steve doesn't love him back to ignored him on some levels. I think that Steve did love Bucky and if he knew that Bucky felt the way he did, that Steve would chastise him and tell Bucky that he loved him too.

In this one shot, Bucky also points out that having romantic feelings towards Steve is sick. Being LGBTQ+ does not make you sick in any way. I just thought that Bucky hasn't had much time to actually get used to the 21st century and doesn't quite know that being LGBTQ+ is ok. I will write a one shot of him realizing that in the future.

Thank you for reading and I hope that you have a fantastic day.