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When Yuan Shu declared himself Emperor of Zhong, he became an innovator in industrial regulation. He develpoed a standard length for chopsticks, which was good because merchants had been selling short chopsticks for too long. He also pushed for unionisation, and detractors such as Hua Xiong were provided with summary termination of life. These chages were ultimately despised by the other warlords, who were stuck in their traditional ways. During one of Yuan Shu's rallies, the Maroon Five launched a suprise attack. They completely ravaged Yuan Shu and his Zhong Dynasty.
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The Han people had this superstition that the size of your gall bladder determined your ability to betray. Jiang Wei and Lü Bu were said to have enormous, throbbing gall bladders. Hua Xiong had a tiny little baby gall bladder, as proven by Li Dian when he inspected it after the duel. But what suprised every scholar was Meng Huo's big fat gall bladder. Who had he betrayed, exactly? Well, it was discovered that Meng Huo actually used to be a vassal of Cao Cao, but he got bored of living in the big city and bugged out.
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Zhu Ran was chilling out with the crew in the school yard, when suddenly Yue Jin's Blue Meanies
raided the sacred grounds. They whirled their authentic replica level four weapons around and slaughtered many innocent children. Zhu Ran thought it was a prank until the caretaker Hua Xiong's head fell on his lap. Thinking quick as the tempest, he rushed over to the school's sport shed and collected the fire arrows. Then he and Lu Xun worked together to lure the enemy forces into an empty basilica. They locked the doors and initiated a fire attack on the Blue Meanies. Yue Jin got third degree burns, but he did barely escape. After that day, he decided to go on a spiritual journey to a foreign school.
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Liu Zhang's army had a secret technique. Before a battle, they would coat the top of their shields with aloe vera. The soothing vapours would give them ultra instinctive abilities. For example, it caused them to detect Pang Tong in the vicinity, so they swiss-cheesed him. Yan Yan was so on the ball that he was able to slay Hua Xiong, who had approached from a different vector to Liu Bei's invasion force, and also hold off the Hebei Axe Cavalry's "Serendipitous Serpent" formation. There was a sacrifice for this power though. After overheating, Yan Yan had to stand there and be dizzy for an entire twenty seconds. This led to his downfall when Fa Zheng took the opportunity to fish-fillet him.
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What the Han people ate for dinner is not often mentioned. Sure, Liu Bei ate that guy's wife on purpose, but that was not the commoner's typical meal. Instead the preferred to cook up "Uncle Bang's Fugu Flan" and serve it on a Han-dynasty-shaped lazy susan. The tradition was to conquer the entire meal by deploying your soldiers (rice) across the table. The ideal strategy for lesser family members was to eradicate the father/ paternal figure first, otherwise he would dominate and everyone else would starve. There was also this stupid gimmick implemented in later versions where one could swap places with another at the cost of a piece of clothing. They probably put this rule in so that women had a greater chance of nutritional satisfaction. Reportedly, Hua Xiong suffocated on a peck of rice during dinner with Wang Yuanji.
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In order to be considered Liu Bei's heir, Liu Feng had to undergo extreme brain training. He had to break a wine jar over his skull before every meal, allow Huang Zhong to cast rocks at his head and also go into battle without a helmet. The Hebei Axe Cavalry attacked him with their mighty hammers, which provided a load of experience by itself. Eventually his mental fortitude was proven when he was able to kill Hua Xiong by reflecting a mortal blow with the top of his rock-hard head. Liu Bei celebrated his adopted son's victory by hiffing him into a ravine, then hosting a coming of age ceremony.
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Zhang Jue revealed his plans to the board of directors, for a manned expidition to space (the "Mystic Realm"). Bo Zhang thought it was a bright idea, while Pei Yuan Shao thought it was a shite idea. Hua Xiong tried to slaughter Zhang Jue over this lunacy, but Zhang Jue burst him open with his microwave eyes. After some violent debate and a guqin session, the board agreed to fund the project. The Yellow Balaclavas constucted a giant crane without using cranes. It had auspicious long legs to promise a safe journey. When He Yi was in the cockpit and ready to launch, he looked out the window and screamed. Zuo Ci was pressed up against it with a crossbow pointing at His head. He Yi abandoned ship and Zuo Ci hijacked it. He flew the crane straight into the Han Trade Centre, killing thousands of history projection analysts.
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Ding Feng had aquired a bad case of pissitis, an incurable disease which makes a person urinate at random and uncontrollably. This was very upsetting for Ding Feng because he would try to write out his poetry, but then ruin it with his mighty river of piss. The other officers and Sun Quan would laugh at him whenever it happened. But it did prove to be a lifesaver one time. Hua Xiong had Ding Feng on the verge of death, when his wee whistle sang out, soaking Hua Xiong in his saline soup. Hua Xiong inhaled the toxic fumes and asphyxiated.
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Dentistry was in high demand in these troubling times. Xiahou Ba famously had all of his teeth taken out and replaced with brass dentures. He wasn't much of a smiler though so it was difficult to notice. Red Hare had its teeth sharpened to make it all the more ferocious and carnivorous. Hua Xiong had to get a wisdom tooth pulled out. Tragically, he died on the operating table when Hua Tuo chiseled too hard. He was distracted as Lü Bu's daughter was walking past in a limited edition cat outfit, available only via pre-order. And of course Yuan Shu had the words "Ding Feng Deng Ai Dong Zhuo Dang Han" ("Illustrious Zhong Emperor Who Quells Foolish Orgies") engraved across his teeth.
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Cao Cao had a bit of a secret. Though he would on occcasion share his sugar with his top mates, his true stash of sweets he kept to himself. He would pull a scroll on his scrollshelf which was actually a lever. The scrollshelf would slide away to reveal a secret ice slide. Cao Cao would board a toboggan and ride it into his chamber of secrets. Inside there was a mountain of bars, which were made from imported peanuts and imported chocolate. While his strategists were busy planning upstairs, Cao Cao would be down here, snickering to himself and crunching on a bar or two. All of this was revealed after Cao Cao's death, when Hua Xiong tried to read the lever scroll. The scrollshelf mysteriously burst into flames and fell on top of him. He didn't survive.
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Famous strategists had this tendency to receive loads of fan mail during summer vacation. Zhuge Liang especially was inundated with plebian drivel. Unfortunately, most Shu villagers were absolute imbeciles who could only write in upside down. So when Zhuge Liang opened up a scroll, more often then not he would say "Whoops!", turn it over in his hands and exclaim "That's better." while his serfs tried not to laugh. As a prank, Sima Yi once eviscerated Hua Xiong and used his blood to write a letter to Zhuge Liang both upside down and in fractalese. It took Zhuge Liang SO long to figure out what it said.
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Long ago, Liu Bang uttered a prophecy so powerful, people actually believed it. He said in a gutteral voice that a man named Zhuge Dan would become the Emperor. So for the next few hundred years, heaps of babies were being named Zhuge Dan, even if their family name was Dian or something else. Coincidentally, most of these children would grow terminally ill or get mysteriously thrown off cliffs before age five. The Wei general Zhuge Dan made it to manhood, and because he successfully slew Hua Xiong, the weight of the peoples' expectations were on him. This and some other things led to him rising up against Sima Zhao, but Sima Zhao was cunning. He forced Cao Mao to name Zhuge Dan Emperor, then executed him two seconds after the prophecy was fulfilled. After that he had a pool party to try and impress Wang Yuanji. Wang Yuanji was not impressed.
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A lot of people would mistakenly refer to Li Dian and Dian Wei as brothers, since their phenotypes were remarkably similar. This led to some confusion at Dian Wei's funeral, because everybody was waiting for Li Dian to give a speech. He had not prepared a speech and in fact he had very little interest in mourning for his comrade. When Hua Xiong crashed the party, Li Dian was the one to send him to the grave, using his incredible Dian Wei's tombstone moveset. This only led a stronger conviction that they really were brothers. Thinking about it a little, Li Dian decided to go with it, in order to garner some sympathy. Now his fellow officers were buying him fish and chips out of the blue, which was so nice of them to do.
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Cao xiu went on a trip to Rome, and he reportedly had a lot of fun with the local concubines. On his was back, he encountered a menacing shadowy figure. Upon slaying Hua Xiong, he encountered another menacing shadowy figure. It was Liao Hua, who had somehow gotten lost. They had a quick battle, then chatted about politics and stuff. Cao Xiu led Liao Hua back to his lord Liu Bei, but not without a prank. Guan Yu and Zhang fei laughed SO hard at Liao Hua, because he had the words "I raped my own daughter at her funeral" written on a scroll stapled to his back. Hilarious! Cao Xiu got away with it.
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Plenty of false historians would have their scrolls burned publicly. Luckily, the names of the destroyed works were preserved. Examples of incorrectly recorded biographies include "The Passion of Liu Bei" By Chen Shou, "Cao Xiu's Overseas Experience" by Defecatus, "Mailman Ma Chao" by Han Sui, and "Han Dang" by Han Dang. Another work of anonymous origin titled "Romance of the Three Kingdoms" was also burned, but tales from it survived by word of mouth. Hua Xiong tried to record his supposed victory at the Battle of Si Shui Pass. He himself was burned at the stake by Lu Xun for commiting such a horrid crime.
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All He Yan did all day was do drugs. Every SINGLE day he would be on the floor, sniffing up some five mineral powder and depleted uranium, while a quartet of ladies danced in the background. Like seriously, he just did drugs and more drugs afterwards, it's the only thing he was known for. One day, a very upset Hua Xiong charged his way into He Yan's villa, slaughtering two of the dancing ladies, who continued to dance for eight more seconds. He Yan drunkenly got to his feet and asked the party crasher what he wanted. "Glorious victory! I'ts always just beyond my grasp, so I must reluctantly consider you a worthy opponent." Hua Xiong replied. He threw He Yan a sword and spun his sextuple halberds in between his fingers. With a roar and a sweep of steel, Hua Xiong had ruined He Yan's drug selection. He Yan was furious, but still inebriated. He took the sword in his hand and did a tantric shuffle toward his opponent. He swerved out of Hua Xiong's hurtboxes' way in a very unintentional manner, clutching at his head for having got up too quickly. Hua Xiong raged and sliced off one of He Yan's arms and his hair. He Yan suddenly sobered up and fell to the ground, screaming. Hua Xiong stood over him and prepared to deliver a killing blow. However, He Yan rolled in between Hua Xiong's legs and thrust his sword upwards into him, touching his heart with the tip. "This was my chance!" Hua Xiong bellowed.
The eyewitness account of what happened next should be considered unreliable. They report seeing malicious black energy stuff pouring out from Hua Xiong's anus. The image of an evil, roaring dragon enveloped He Yan and slammed him through a wall. Then He Yan vapourised. Poof, he vanished just like that. Then Hua Xiong exploded and the blast destroyed the entire villa.
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While Zhuge Liang was busy doing Nanman Holocaust, the Wei forces, led by Yuchi Kai were up against the Ogre Army of Goguryeo. Unfotunately for him, his subwoofer cannoneers proved useless against the rabid men of the peninsula. Their ears were always occupied with the relentless screaming of their comrades, and extra noise only encouraged their frenzied rampage. The vangaurd of each army met, the ogre men receiving spears in their breasts and the Wei forces succumbing to broken faces from the impact of spiked bats. The ogres weathered their damages and overwhelmed Yuchi Kai's men, trampling them into the dirt. The Ogre General Mil U personally rode out and dueled Yuchi Kai. Yuchi Kai fought well with his trinity rapier, but was momentarily distracted by Mil U's nightmarish screech. He ended up skewered on Mil U's dreaded cone lance. Having acheived total victory, the Ogre Army advanced to the nearest town and proceeded to rape its inhabitants for three days straight. They were only interrupted when Hua Xiong charged in to dispense justice. He spun up his sextuple halberds to twenty hertz and went about the place, cutting the Goguryeo soldiers into all manner of fascinating divisions. after stopping for a snack, he hurried onward to the house where Mil U was staying. He burst in through the back entrance, but did not catch the ogre general off guard. mil U caught Hua Xiong with his dreaded cone lance and thrust his body into the wall and stuck him there. Then more men came and battered Hua Xiong to death with spiked bats.
At each strike of a bat, Hua Xiong's body was letting out more and more blood. The amount being spilled accelerated, resulting in the formation of a knee high pool of malicious crimson blood. Mil U figured he ought to leave now, but when he went for the door, it was locked. He tried the back door. It was locked too. The pool of blood grew deeper still and heated up. Everyone in the room dropped their weapons and tried to clamber onto shelves as the blood approached its boiling point. The ordinary Goguryeon screams became gargles of terror as they were drowned and boiled.
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The "Gong Fu Chu Shen" cook-off, held anually at Jianye, had its most successful turnout in 239 AD. An entire three contestants made their way to the Eternal Suffering Kitchen, in the middle of the hippodrome. The first was Shamoke, who wanted to smoke the competition. The second was Xu Huang, was sent over to spy on Lu Xun, but accidentally signed up for the contest. The final competitor was Zhuge Lingqi, a wannabe local who had very large meat buns. The first round was a breakfast food challenge. The contestants rushed to their stations and slammed together their dishes in the ten minutes provided. Shamoke served a smoked spicy duck egg corn fritter. Due to semantics, this exotic dish counts as a breakfast food. Xu huang served a hash brown sausage frenzy. It was slightly burnt. Zhuge Lingqi served a plum cola cereal. The judges loved it and awarded her the most points. The second round was a deep frying challenge. Shamoke deep fried a smoked salmon. It was an instant hit. Xu Huang deep fried potato fries*. They were too salty. Zhuge Lingqi deep fried chicken tendies. They were mediocre, but the judges were convinced to award her more points regardless.
The last round was the Ultimate Smashing Dinner Plate round. The food was required to be so good that the judges would involantarily throw their plates across the hippodrome and swear in front of the live audience. Shamoke made his signature dish, smoked wife's leg with mango reduction. Xu Huang just left some potato crisps** on his platter, then hurried off because he was late for Lady Zhen's ballet recital. Zhuge Lingqi wowed the crowds by meticulously skinning a rabbit and flavouring it with her genitalia. Before the judges got to have a taste of the three meals, Hua Xiong crashed the party. Luckily, Shamoke had anticipated an ambush. He pulled his elephant out of the kiln and fought off Hua Xiong's sextuple halberds with his ivory filleters. Hua Xiong was slain in front of the booing live audience.
Hua Xiong's corpse erupted with malicious white salt, which dissolved Shamoke and lightly dusted the contestants' dishes. The judges tried all three dishes. They threw the plates across the hippodrome and swore in front of the live audience, as their skin bubbled, cracked and squirted pus everywhere. They clawed their own faces off as they died. Zhuge Lingqi was offended and tried some of her offering. She passed away in similar excruciating pain. The audience were getting bored and made to leave, but the elephant trampled them.
*T/N: fries means chips
**T/N: crisps means chips
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Legend tells of a great, legendary warrior of legend. Nobody knew if it was Zhao Yun's wife, or just his concubine, who donned exotic armour and rode out to battle as the mysterious Ma Rider. Either way, she would effortlessly tear through enemy outposts with her Musou Jian. However, she seemed to be quite delusional, for the Ma Rider would also tear through innocent villages. The heads of ordinary humans would fall beneath the hoof of Ma Rider's mount, who was claimed to be neither speed nor steed. During one of these foul incidents, Hua Xiong rolled into town, his sextuple halberds seeking payment for the bloodshed. Ma Rider engaged him with the mercy of a goat on steroids. Though Hua Xiong put up a fair fight, he was ultimately powerless against a fruity nutter with passion. Before he was sliced in twain by a Musou Slicing, a simple "Please" departed from Hua Xiong's lips.
Before Hua Xiong's body hit the dirt, a malicious vermillion ring phased into existence in front of him. It slowly advanced toward Ma Rider and eventually passed through her. She simply disappeared without a trace.
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"I am Sun Ben, the Cum Lion!" Sun Ben would often declare to the empty streets in the dead of night. He had filled out an application to join the Five Tiger Generals, but that was months ago. No one had responded to him. And every time Sun Ben tried to meet his "comrades", Han Fu would stand right in front of him, blocking access. So Sun Ben finally ejaculated publicly in a wheelchair and took the name Cum Lion. This night he did ejaculate again, and it offended Hua Xiong, who was seeking a worthy opponent. Hua Xiong did not expect Sun Ben to whip out his chakram and do a spinning saucer super slice. Hua Xiong cursed the Cum Lion's villainy as his life was cut short, nary with a chance to use his sextuple halberds.
A sinister buzzing sound was reportedly heard at that time. Then the buzzing abruptly grew loud, as a malicious magenta cuboid filled the space that Sun Ben's head occupied. The Cum Lion's body dropped to the ground, his head gone forever.