I'm part of his efforts to make amends? I opened my mouth to lash out at him, but nothing came out because of his stare. His intense stare still made me feel small but now I felt insignificant.
Small, insignificant but also angry. He will never be James 'Bucky' Barnes. Not in my eyes anyway. My mouth wouldn't dare let me speak and the only peep I made was an incredibly shaky breath that had a whimper on the end of it. I swallowed the painful lump that formed in my throat loudly.
"Do you have anything to say, (Y/N)?" Dr Raynor asked me, picking up her notebook and setting it on her lap. I tore my eyes away from Bucky, breaking the intense staring contest that he was easily winning to look at Dr Raynor. I noticed her fingers touch the pen that was looped into the little pocket of the book, ready to pull it out and start writing.
"N-No." I stuttered, before uncrossing my arms and rubbing my sweaty palms over my jean covered thighs.
"James?"
Silence.
"Very well." Raynor sharply let out a frustrated sigh through her nostrils, picking up the pen to start writing.
"Oh, come on. Really?" Bucky groaned out, tilting his head to the side, his brows furrowing. "You're gonna do the notebook thing? Why? It's passive-aggressive."
"You both don't talk. I write." She sassed.
A sigh. "Okay, okay." He nodded slowly and kissed his teeth, deciding to take control. But it was very clear that he did NOT want to participate in whatever this was let alone be here in the same room as me and Dr Raynor.
One thing we had in common.
"What did you read in the file?" Bucky's attention turned towards me now, that same pinning stare looking right into my soul. It made me dig my nails into my thighs hard as I once again felt small and hopeless. I don't want to be here.
A sudden form of bravery washed over me for a little bit, but I know my eyes still showed flecks of fear as I stared at Bucky. "Not much. But I don't really have to read the file do I?" I tilted my head to the side, unable to stop myself from acting like a total bitch, "I already know what you're like. It's only a matter of time before you wrap that hand around someone's throat and slowly squeeze the life out of their eyes. Want to know why?" I tormented.
A small part of me hated myself for acting like an asshole but another part of me screamed at me saying he deserved it for what he put me through.
"Humour me." He ground out, the glove on his hand squelching as it formed into a fist. My eyes trailed down towards his fisted hand which rested on his left leg. I noticed the leg begin to tremble a little bit out of anger and I got the feeling that he wanted to do something to me as I pissed him off.
My bravery dispersed once I saw the leg shake and I fell silent as the fear for him took over once more. This man made me feel all sorts of emotions and it made me feel like I was a psychopath.
He made me feel angry.
He made me feel small and insignificant.
And the fear I had for him was immense, especially now that I was sitting in the same room as him a few feet away.
The therapist said something to us to get our attention but the two of us just drowned it out. We were too preoccupied with each other. I hated how much intimidation he held over me along with how quickly my bravery thinned out.
"Exactly what I thought." Bucky scoffed as I continued to remain silent, licking his bottom lip and shaking his head as he continued to stare into my soul with those goddamn eyes. He was feeding off of my fear.
"Alright, this is just not working." Dr Raynor threw down her notebook, causing it to clatter on the end table beside her chair and the sound made me immediately twitch. The clatter was loud and it reminded me of the gunshots that came out of Bucky's pistol and I shifted in my chair once again, my elbow propping up on the arm rest. I leaned my head down on my palm so it could hold me up.
"My apologies." Dr Raynor noticed the trigger she unintentionally caused me before going back onto topic, "Steve Rogers made it aware that, Bucky, you have to watch over her. (Y/N), as much as you don't want it, you don't get a choice and provoking him is not going to help either. I know the damage he caused you and I could never ever understand how it feels but you have to try and give him the benefit of the doubt. The soldier in him is gone. Steve wouldn't put you under his protection if he believed he couldn't deliver."
Her last words caught my attention and I silently rattled all over the pros and cons of this settlement, however, the cons outweighed the pros because of one big factor: my parents.
I knew no matter how hard I tried to backtrack away from it all and avoid him even being my protector, it wouldn't work. I might accept it, but that didn't mean I had to like it. "Fine." I ground out through my teeth.
"I don't kill anymore." His voice was low and laced with danger. My eyes trailed away from Dr Raynor and to Bucky. His eyes were flickering with anger and torment and they blended together into a storm that wanted to be released, "I am no longer The Winter Soldier." His voice spat through his teeth, his jaw clenching tightly.
"James, remember the three rules." Dr Raynor warned him.
"What was rule number two again?" He asked, his eyes flashing to her.
"No one gets hurt." She clasped her hands together in her lap, an irritated sigh causing her shoulders to fall forward. "It's kind of a big one."
His eyes moved back towards mine then, his stare turning into a glare. "Then why isn't it rule number one?"
The sounds of the room around me drowned out and all I could hear was my heartbeat racing inside of me, causing my blood pressure to skyrocket. Was that him implying that at some point, he'd hurt me? Still, I couldn't fight down the bitchy side of me that wanted to erupt once more.
"I have a life to get back to with actual friends. As much as I would love to stay here and get to know the murderer before me, I have a date and I'm sure he'd like to get back to well... you know. Brooding about previous days." I pushed myself up off of my chair, no longer wanting to look James in the eyes because I was afraid of what he might do to me or better yet, what I might do to him.
"(Y/N)." Dr Raynor harsh voice stopped me and I closed my eyes for a little bit, letting out a huffy sigh before looking down at her, "Give him your number." She demanded.
"What? No!" I exclaimed. Was she crazy?!
"I wasn't asking, (Y/N)." She warned me before her eyes turned towards Bucky who was still sitting down but now staring into nothingness, probably reminiscing about his soldier days. "Give her your number." Suddenly his eyes flashed up towards mine but I looked away immediately, avoiding them. The doctor ripped out two pieces of lined paper from her notebook, outstretching her hands to both of us, gesturing for us to take the papers.
I reluctantly snatched the paper out of her hand, not happy with the fact I had to give my number to him. "This is stupid." I grumbled childishly as I took her pen and scribbled my number on the piece of paper roughly before offering it to Bucky who was still scribbling his number down with his own pen, shoving the paper in his face. "Do me a favour and lose it, will you?"
"With pleasure," Bucky smirked before taking the piece of paper out of my hands. His fingers brushed over my bare ones and I flinched slightly, an ice-cold chill rushing down my spine from the touch.
"He could do anything he wanted to you at some point. You know that right?"
My mind teased me and I immediately returned to reality, seeing Bucky waving the paper with his number on it in front of my face to get my attention. I snatched it angrily, scrunching it up into a ball and shoving it in the opposite pocket that held my keys and the old photograph of Bucky and Steve.
"Can I go now?" I whined, looking at Dr Raynor. She rolled her eyes, having lost her patience with the two of us for today.
"Go." She waved her hand to shoo us away and I made sure I was the first one out of the door and the entrance of the building. My eyes fell upon my car and I smiled for the first time since pulling into the parking lot, having missed my vehicle.
"Hello, baby." I whispered apologetically, "Sorry, I called you a shit box." I took one step off the ledge of the pathway, ready to walk to my car but a leather hand wrapped around my wrist, halting me. This caught me by surprise because I immediately turned around, my fist lashing out to punch as a knee jerk reaction but Bucky grabbed it with his other hand that felt relatively harder; his metal hand.
We stood there, staring intensely at each other with his hands wrapped around my wrists and my heart began to pound against my rib cage once more. I gulped, swallowing nothing but dry air as I was dehydrated.
"I could see it in your eyes, you know?" He leaned down, closing the distance between us and whispering in my ear. My chin lightly touched his shoulder from how close he was and I tensed up, feeling heavily intimidated but also annoyed at myself for letting me feel this way. One minute I felt brave enough to challenge him, and the next minute I was ready to run away in fear.
"See what?" I rasped.
"The fear." Once he said those last two words he dropped my wrists and took two steps away from me. "Enjoy your date." He turned on his heels and walked off and I saw the piece of paper I had given him, sticking out of the back of his denim jeans pocket.
Please fly out.
Please fly out.
Please fly out.
My eyes watched him turn a corner, disappearing from my view completely. The only thing that was remained of him was his scent which reminded me of the forests I would go camping in as a little girl and the nature that surrounded me.
God, I hated him.