trigger warning (including f-slur)

Chapter Four: Get Your Ass Out of Bed

"Come on, Siri. We have to get to breakfast."

Sirius shook his head, not moving from Remus's bed. "'M not hungry."

Peter sighed. "Get your ass out of bed, Sirius."

"Don't wanna."

"I'll hex you," James threatened.

Sirius groaned and rolled out of bed. He followed James and Peter down to the Great Hall. He was a mess. His hair was wild, his eyes were bloodshot and swollen, he had refused to take off Remus's hoodie.

Everyone's eyes were on them as they entered the hall. A thousand tiny whispers erupted, spreading like wildfire. Sirius shrank in on himself, pulling the sleeves over his hands. He felt James's arm loosely around his own.

They made their way to the Gryffindor table without incident. As they passed a handful of older Gryffindors, one of them muttered, "He had it coming, fucking fag."

Sirius stopped. "Say that again."

The boy turned around and stood up. It was the same seventh year, Louie, who had beaten up Remus that one night. He was significantly taller than Sirius. "I said, Lupin deserved what he got, the fucking fag."

Sirius punched the older boy in the face, catching him by surprise. Louie slowly wiped the blood away, glaring at Sirius. "Now you'll get it, faggot," he spat.

Sirius saw red. He ran at the boy, kicking and hitting him, sobbing as he did. Everyone was watching, but no one seemed to want to interfere. Finally, James managed to pull Sirius away. He was crying and bleeding from his nose, lip, and where the skin had split at the top of his cheek. Several Gryffindors held Louie back.

"Let me go, James!" screamed Sirius. "I'll kick his ass! Did you hear what he said about Remus? Let me kick his ass!"

"Sirius, you need to stop," hissed James urgently.

Professor McGonagall hurried over to them. "What on earth is going on?"

"He started it!" said Louie, pointing an angry finger at Sirius.

"Liar!" yelled Sirius, panting and out of breath. "He- Remus- he said- he called- Remus-" He turned helplessly to James.

"He said Remus d-deserved it," said James softly. "And he called him and Sirius slurs."

Professor McGonagall frowned,rning to the older boy. "Is this true?" He shrugged, not seeming to care. "My office. Now." She turned back to Sirius. "Potter, you and Pettigrew take him to the hospital wing."

James and Peter led Sirius to the hospital wing. He was crying again, tears of absolute despair. Madam Pomfrey hurried out of her office when they entered the hospital wing. "Mr. Black? Again? What happened?"

After a glance at Sirius, it was clear that he wasn't going to be able to answer. "He got in a fight," said James.

She sighed, waving her wand over the wounds, causing them to disappear. "Try to keep him out of trouble," she said to James and Peter. "I know he's grieving very badly, we all are, but continuing to deliberately get himself hurt isn't going to do anyone any good."

"I know. We're trying."

"Good. Thank you, James."

"Of course."

When they finally got back to their room in one piece, Sirius ran into the bathroom. He pulled the box of Remus's blades out of his pocket, took one, and then put the box back.

He held the blade, looking at it, seeing the ways the light glanced off of it. It was fascinating. Just from looking at it, he could tell just how sharp it was. He ran his finger along the edge, not enough to break the skin, but just enough to feel the blade. He wondered what it would be like to cut.

James opened the bathroom door. "Siri, I've been knock-" He froze, seeing Sirius. "Ok." He took a deep breath. "Ok. Sirius, put down the blade."

Sirius didn't look up. ""M not going to cut."

James tried to keep his voice steady and even, trying to not let the fear seep into it. "Sirius, I can't know that. Can you please put down the blade?"

And suddenly, Sirius was back to that night in the bathroom with Remus, only the positions were reversed. Remus was the one with a blade, promising he wasn't going to cut, and Sirius was the one trying to talk to him. He started to cry again, for what felt like the thousandth time in the past day. Or days. Time was fucked up, and he didn't even know how long it had been since- since- fuck, he couldn't even think it.

He gripped the blade tighter. "Please don't take it," he whispered.

James took a cautious step closer. "Sirius, I have to."

"No, you don't." Sirius shook his head. James didn't fucking understand. He needed to keep the blades. He wasn't going to use them. But they were Remus's. And it hurt to think about Remus using them. There was something there, though, that Sirius couldn't put a finger on. He just knew he needed to keep them.

"Please, Sirius," begged James. "Please, just give me the blade."

"No," whimpered Sirius. "Don't take it."

And then James was right there, and he was taking it out of Sirius's hand and putting it in his own pocket, and Sirius just wanted to slap him, to take it back. It didn't fucking belong to James, it belonged to Remus. And Sirius's head was spinning, reality blurring with memories, and he just wanted it to stop.

James pushed up Sirius's sleeves, making sure his arms were clean, then pulled him into a tight hug. "Where'd you even get it?" he murmured, mostly to himself.

"It was Remy's," Sirius said softly.

"Oh, Siri," breathed James, hugging him even tighter. "Oh, Siri."

And then they were both crying. They were standing in the bathroom, hugging each other, sobbing into each other's shirts. It felt like the one thing they could both do to cope. Sirius was angry, and he coped by taking that anger out, either on himself or on others. James was confused, and he coped by making sure that the others were ok. Because he couldn't be there for Remus, so you could be damn sure that he would be there for Sirius and Peter.

"I miss him," sobbed Sirius.

James stroked his hair gently. "I know," he whispered. "So do I."

A/N:

more angst :)

ya know those days when everything comes crashing down and you just want to bury yourself in a hole in the ground and sob until you die (preferably sooner rather than later)? yeah. today at dinner my mom asked me to move to a different seat than the one i always sit in, and i swear i almost started crying bc it made me so anxious. and my sister that i share a room with is driving me insane and getting under my skin and i can't fucking do this. and i think i got a c- in physics for the quarter, and i'm terrified that my parents especially my mom will be pissed (i usually get a's and sometimes b's). and every time they use my nickname (which i hate, i've gone by my full name for 4+ years, it makes me so dysphoric, and they know i hate it but don't make an effort), and every time i fucking hear "sister" or "she" i want to rip my skin off and die. and i want to cut so badly because who even cares anyways. and i have friends at school, but i don't fit in, they don't really know me as well as they think they do, and i just want to kiss someone because i'm so fucking lonely. and i see people but it doesn't help bc i can't be myself. and i'm so used to just being invisible bc i went for so long without talking to anyone. and maybe i should just die because who the fuck would even care, who the fuck would even notice, and maybe then things would be better

take care, drink some water, take ur meds. ur doing amazing. i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn