Mono No Aware

First off, to the people leaving anonymous reviews er begging/demanding me to update my Total Drama fics; please stop asking. I try my hardest to juggle every project I have along with living a life, and the Total Drama-based projects are more difficult to finish than the rest. Besides, I've been needing a lot of energy I usually put in my creative efforts to survive and not burn out. Where Total Drama Action All-In is concerned, I have a good chunk of the next chapter written, but it takes time, especially now, and I can only ask you to wait and send me a polite private message if you have questions or worries. Thank you.

With that out of the way, enjoy!

To do some light shopping was on Lori's to-do list for this summer. Among the many targets, there was this boutique at the mall to open soon. But of all the stores Lori imagined visiting, the DIY shop certainly wasn't one of them.

Lori and her mother carried numerous cardboard boxes stacked into each other up to the former's bedroom. As Rita took the stacks apart and sorted them out, Lori instead sat down to catch her breath. It was a quick trip to the store and had returned back home before noon, but it had unexpectedly left Lori exhausted as if she have had a full day behind her already. That so much variety in something mundane as cardboard boxes actually existed still dazzled Lori.

''There,'' Rita stood back up and admired her work. ''ready to be packed!''

Meanwhile, Lori's index finger agilely danced over her smartphone. Earlier, Carol had sent her a link to a handy to-do list with essentials, tips and advice for moving to college. It couldn't be that hard, Lori thought, but it was best to have it at hand.

''Do you want some help?'' Rita asked her oldest child after realizing she had been rather quiet.

Lori pondered for a second before answering. ''I'm fine. I'm sorting out what should go in what box first and then pack some small things I think…''

''Good idea, take it slow! We still have the whole summer to get it done.'' Following an affectionate rub on Lori's cheek, Rita stood up and headed for the door. ''I'll be away for a while, you are in charge.''

''Okay mom.''

Lori remained seated on the bed, inspecting the boxes in front of her closet. Packing boxes should be as simple a task as it sounded, but she was left feeling hesitant and confused. Where she going to start?

When she did get the will to begin, she straightened herself and put her gaze on focus and the list returned to her smartphone's screen. The first category of essentials the list discussed were important documents, such as ID cards, insurance papers and bank passes. The search for an appropriate box began. At first, Lori was a little lost: she accidentally messed up the orderly presentation her mother left her with and began digging blindly through the pile. It was baffling how quickly Lori could get fed up with the tan cardboard color so quickly. She searched for longer than she should have, seeing that she found the perfect box being inside a bigger one: small, oblong; it was perfect for her documents and hopefully it was worth the search. Setting the box apart, Lori wrote 'Documents' on the side of the box with a thick marker.

With the first necessity taken care of came the next point of the checklist; clothing. Fairway University was a rather posh college, and students were expected to wear a uniform when classes were in session. As such, it was tricky to guess how often she'd wear casual clothing, as she hadn't decided yet to change out of her uniform after class as it didn't occur to her before this moment. It was something she could only decide on the moment was there.

Glancing back at the boxes, Lori was unsure what size of box she needed. For convenience sake, she choose the biggest of them all. It seemed a little risky to mark the box for its designated content already but instead, Lori went inside her closet and browsed her clothing with list in hand. Her Fairway uniform was due to arrive by mail in a week. By reference of her list, she still was going to wear the first pieces of clothing she spotted in her wardrobe, as well as underwear and swimwear, it was still summer after all, while she wasn't even sure if it was practical to take a formal dress with her to begin with. Getting dizzy from the indecisiveness, Lori just grabbed two random sweaters and tossed them in the box as a means of marking its purpose.

Lori sighed and ran a hand over her face in a attempt to recollect herself.

''Alright, what is next?'' She muttered, exasperated but determined. The list moved on to toiletries and school supplies respectively; self-explanatory. For the former there was a convenient case, but Lori begrudgingly ducked back into the pile of boxes for the latter.

''Lori?''

A voice, soft as it was, sent Lori jolting from mild shock. Leni stood in the door with a look of nervousness on her face.

''What?'' Lori spared her a indifferent peek over her shoulders before continuing digging through the pile.

''What's the best way to help others with their homework?'' Leni asked as she leaned against the dresser.

''It's summer vacation, no one has homework.''

''Oh… oh yeah.'' Leni hummed on the realization. ''And if it's not vacation?''

Lori sighed, and looked up to her. ''Then you help them by searching for the right answer and teach them how to remember it, same as always.''

''Okay. And Lori?''

Lori glowered, by now she was getting annoyed with Leni, which manifested in a flatter tone of voice. ''Yes?''

''What if they don't want to do homework?''

''What do you think you should do?''

Hesitating on the answer left Leni tapping her lips. ''Ask them kindly?''

Her first answer was a indifferent head tilt from Lori. ''Exactly.''

''Ah… thank you.'' With that, Leni shuffled back and disappeared into the hallway again.

It earned her a quiet scoff from Lori: from waking up to the last moments of consciousness before drifting off to sleep, Leni had been battering her older sister with questions for days on end asking about how to be in charge. She should normally know already, because Lori had given her clear and thorough instructions on how to be the next oldest sister in the house. Leni obviously didn't have any ill will, but they were inconvenient and at times annoying. It was quite the surprise Leni hadn't come running to Lori yet this morning, and a relief.

Right… where was she? Documents were accounted for, toiletries, clothes were under control; there couldn't be that much more that she needed to prepare packing for. Phone in hand, Lori scrolled down the list. Brief as Leni's interruption was, it left Lori disoriented and she scrolled down much further down the list than she intended. At first she thought she had opened a new article, but she checked, then double-checked, but it was still the same list: bedding, storage crates, assorted furniture. Lori rose on her feet, her thumb kept sliding over the screen. She could keep scrolling down without hitting the bottom of the page. The deeper Lori went the more dejected she grew, overwhelmed with the realization packing only these boxes was far from enough to prepare for Fairway. The trip to the DIY shop this morning was strenuous enough as it was, but to get under bed storage boxes, a small safe, a laptop and the likes meant there were trips to the furniture store in the offing and thinking about it, probably multiple trips to Fairway to prepare the room. And how was she going to afford a new laptop? Lori's head spun from the prospect and the worry alone.

Outside her bedroom window, Lori heard shrill, childish laughter that lured her to take a look. Leaning over the windowsill, some of her younger sisters were playing in the front yard: Luna held Lily, swung gently on the tire swing as Lily's overjoyed giggle sounded through the yard; Lola was skipping rope while singing herself a ditty and Lana played keep-away with Charles the dog. Lori rested on the windowsill and looked down at them in envy: they were allowed to be carefree, have the time of their lives and remain blissfully unaware that one day, it would be in the past. Meanwhile, she was expected to sacrifice the brunt of her summer vacation to pack and prepare; it wasn't fair.

With more anguish than will, Lori put the list back on the smartphone's screen. By now, Lori was starting to loathe her beloved phone because of it. In the time she spent resenting her sisters, a notification had popped up at the top edge of the screen, coming from her calendar app.

'Upcoming event: birthday'

A jitter slivered over Lori's back but unlike the ones birthdays usually caused, this one didn't feel exciting. Laying eyes on the calendar made her groan miserably thinking of it: everyone being happy for her turning eighteen and not going to stop reminding her of it. Her birthday on August 25, only five days after the twins' birthday and thirteen days behind Leni's, was only a few days ahead of the day she was due to move to Fairway. It made for a finely tuned blend where all of the dread in her life came together nicely.

Lori didn't mean to torture herself, but from 'M-day' she counted back the amount of days she had left: 38 days… that was left to live in this warm house, to sleep in this comfortable bed before she was supposed to have fully settled in at her new digs. Lori's face fell glum; It didn't feel like she had so much time left as her mother's reassurance made it sound. All the activities already in her planning, from the odd daytrip to the camping trip due later in the summer felt like burdens that chewed away her valuable time. She didn't want to go anywhere right now, just try to enjoy herself at home now that she still could.

The ticks of the clock above the door her suddenly sounded like hammer strikes on an anvil, each ominous beat bringing moving day closer. They commended Lori to hurry up with pre-packing as the value of spare time had suddenly boomed. A attempt to stand up was fruitless; Lori limped back on her mattress almost immediately. She didn't have the will for it anymore, leaning back and slowly rolling out over her bed to stare at the ceiling. To give herself any idea of being productive, Lori idly read some do's-and-don'ts spread out throughout the list. It were rather obvious tips that were read half-heartedly: coordinate your furnishing with your roommate, don't bring anything illegal onto campus…

'Don't be afraid to bring a stuffed animal!´

Lori's brows lifted in curious surprise. Inspiration struck her and rolled off of her bed. Going up to the attic with a quick thread in her step, she went from digging through one set of boxes to another: from the future to the past. Lori quickly found her plush companion; Patchy the elephant.

Almost like a baby, Lori gently carried Patchy to her room and laid it down on its back in the box of sweaters, but it immediately felt wrong: Patchy deserved much better when it had already spent years in a box. Lori scanned her room, but felt stressed out to only see the mess of boxes and its supposed content spilled everywhere in her corner. Instinctively, Lori pulled Patchy close to her chest when anxiety began to overwhelm her. In a few beats with the plush close to her, Lori smiled weakly and for the first time today she became aware of a tinge of happiness as the stuffed animal calmed her grievances as it did when she was a young girl. Patchy was a relic of a happy time, and it would make a great source of comfort far away at college.

It was given a nice spot on the dresser: in the light, where it could overlook everything. Lori felt soothed, enough to try again to get the boxes organized and even managed to start noting a list of objects and matters Lori still had to take care of.

''Lori!''

Leni's voice broke Lori's concentration. She rolled her head, exasperated and ready for another hypothetic question.

''What is it this time?''

''Help me!'' Leni said. Now Lori heard the urgency in her cry. ''Luan and Lynn are about to fight!''

''But you can break them yourselves-'' Lori's attempt at reason was overruled by the pressure in Leni's voice. She stood up and followed Leni. Luan and Lynn's angry calls were heard by both once they left their bedroom. Going through the living room, they passed Lucy reading a book either ignoring the fight or having stopped caring for fights since long ago. As they went into the kitchen, Lori and Leni found the pair of sisters arguing, trading not only insults but also a bunch of bananas as they wrestled each other for the fruits. Lori groaned inwardly: it seemed like a silly conflict and she already regretted having to intervene.

''Okay.'' Lori talking and approaching wasn't enough to stop Luan and Lynn from arguing, but a loud clap of her hands immediately did. ''What's going on here?''

''Lynn tries to take these bananas from me!'' Luan said.

''I need some power food for my jog!'' Lynn replied.

''But I wanted to use them for cream pies!'' Luan protested.

''They're not yours, I had them first!'' Lynn held the bananas away from Luan, who attempted another try to snatch them with Lynn pushing her off with a foot.

''You don't need so much bananas!'' Luan said while straining to reach for the fruit.

''Then you don't know how intense my runs are!''

''Enough!'' Lori called. She snatched the bunch from Lynn's grasp and eyed her squabbling sisters sternly. ''Lynn, where did you get the bananas from?''

Lynn jerked a thumb over her shoulder to a dish on the kitchen counter. ''From the bowl, the usual spot.''

Lori then turned to Luan. ''So you hadn't claimed them yet?''

Luan confirmed with a reluctant shake of her head.

Lori sighed and came to a verdict. ''Lynn gets the bananas; she got them first.''

Seeing Lynn grin as she got the fruits left Luan feel dejected. ''But that's not fair!''

''Drop the attitude, Luan. Fruit in the bowl is public domain. But if Lynn would be so kind to go jog to the supermarket and buy a new bunch then everyone's happy.'' Lori said.

Luan glowered at Lori. ''It's still not fair.''

''Life isn't fair.'' With her job done, Lori didn't look back to any other faces, gestures or objections her sisters may have had while leaving as Leni kept looking as inquisitively as she had been since entering the kitchen.

Once back in her room, Lori expected that she'd be able to resume her chore with the productivity she had earlier, but it didn't come to fruition. Her second wind had blown over: looking over her self-made index, she couldn't concentrate, which in turn frustrated her severely. Lori's eyebrow twitched; why was everyone hungry to ruin any good vibe she had?!

A soft rapping sounded on the door. Lori saw Leni standing in the door opening; she could've been standing there for as long as Lori had gone back into their bedroom. Regardless of how cautious Leni acted in her body language, her presence still caused Lori's anger to come to a head.

''Can't you leave me alone for just one shitty hour?'' Lori called in frustration, louder and harsher than she probably intended. Leni scurried back a few steps, and seeing her spooked immediately made Lori mellow out in regret.

''No, Leni- I'm sorry for that. Come here.'' Lori walked over to her sister with arms spread out, and pulled the skittish Leni in a quick hug to calm her down. ''I'm just a little annoyed with these boxes, that's all.''

''Can I still ask you about something?'' Leni said,

Lori broke away from Leni, and gave a stern yet warm glance. ''Okay, but I want to something first: why are you asking all these questions? And why did I have to come down to break Luan and Lynn up? You know how to do that, it's not the first time you were in charge.''

Leni recomposed herself, folding her hands on her stomach and tilted her head forward sorrowfully. ''I ask lots of stuff because I don't think I will be a good oldest sister. I know you had taught me some stuff, but it doesn't seem to work for me!''

''Why doesn't it?'' Lori asked patiently.

''Like, when mom and dad and you went to Fairway a while ago, Luna and Lynn started to squabble so I tried to make them stop but they didn't listen to me, like, at all! They wouldn't stop quibbling and then they almost fought with each other! I had been keeping them apart for ten minutes before you came home and you make them stop like…'' Leni snapped her finger for emphasis, or tried to and failed repeatedly to make them click. With a quick groan, Leni stopped and continued where she left off. ''They're not listening to anything I say, but you make it look sooo easy!''

''Well… I think you just need to get familiar with asserting your authority.''

''Huh?'' Leni raised her eyebrows in confusion. ''I thought I needed to show who is the boss.''

A flat glare was sent into the distance by Lori to cope with Leni's silliness. ''Yeah, that too.''

Leni hunched over and chewed her lower lip. She obviously struggled with the idea. ''I try to raise my voice like you said, strict but not too loud.''

''Uh huh.'' Lori mumbled.

''But when I actually have to tell them down, I chicken out.''

''Why?'' Lori asked, her glare turning neutral again.

''I'm scared they may get angry with me, and I don't want them to!'' Leni said, sounding closer to desperation.

''You're lecturing them so of course they're not going to like it.'' Lori stated formally as she crossed her arms. ''Remember that one night mom and dad went to Pop-Pop's fundraiser dinner? Lola didn't want to eat up her peas, so I made her sit at the table until she finished them while the rest of us went to watch TV. Every time Lola got off her chair, she thought she could ignore the rule I set for her and go do her own thing and every time I put her back no matter the kicks or her screams; I even found a bitemark later on.''

''Oh yeah. It took three hours until she could go, right?'' Leni asked, which Lori confirmed with a nod. Leni then slumped her shoulders. ''I felt really bad for Lolz, even with the cries and the kicking.''

''But this is why you have to be a little nasty sometimes in making them follow the rules or they'll walk all over you Leni. Mom and dad leave you in charge and they expect that you keep the place from falling apart.''

''But how do you do that without them hating you? You can scold everyone and be super mean to us,''

''Gee thanks.'' Lori mumbled bitterly in-between.

''but still everyone will go to you if someone needs some support, like Lincoln.'' Leni suddenly clasped herself onto Lori with a dire need for an answer. ''I need to know how I can be both; you have to tell me your, like, trick!''

''Leni, there is no 'trick', okay?'' Lori insistently said as she gently yet firmly pushed Leni off of herself. By now, she had to keep her irritation with Leni's clinginess from surfacing. ''Everything I learned I had to get from experience and so will you. How else did you think I got the hang of it? I had no older sister to teach me.''

Leni shrugged hesitantly. ''That's true…''

Pointing out to the door, sharper than Lori intended, she prepared to conclude their little conversation. ''So you go out there and learn what it is to be the oldest sister in the house and if you need me for emergencies, I'm here.''

Leni folded her hands on her stomach and hung her head.

''But not for long…''

The calm tone Leni replied in was dusted with dread and peppered with grief. Lori's mood swung completely: finally she began to understand what was going on, and felt incredibly stupid for not doing so earlier.

''Sit down.'' Lori pointed at their beds. She shut the door and seated herself on her own bed, opposite of Leni.

''Is that it? Are you nervous for me leaving?''

Casting her glance away as she rubbed her shoulder to curb the jitters, Leni nodded her head. ''I feel safe knowing that you will come in and make everything right when I mess up.''

Lori cooed endearingly, pressing her hands against her chest. ''Aw Leni you never messed up!''

As Leni rested her head on her arms, she pondered. ''But also, I think I'm going to miss having you as a roommate.''

''I will too, Leni.'' Lori admitted as she laid her arms on her lap and leaned her head closer to Leni's.

The only noise in the room was the clock ticking above them. In the calm, Leni kept staring at the carpet, and Lori tried to guess how much grief really was burning behind her weighty glance.

''Aren't you afraid to go to Fairway?'' Leni asked, suddenly.

''No…'' Her answer preceded another short, solemn pause. She got a flashback to a few days ago, and the feelings that question evoked were exactly the same. ''I'm ready, and you will be too.''

''I don't feel like it. I won't be able to run things like you.'' Leni squeaked insecurely. ''Can't you just, like, stay?''

''Leni, that's enough.'' Lori called. Suddenly, the caring disposition was gone and an assertive attitude took its place. She became insistent without sounding harsh: ''We both forget that I wasn't always a perfect sister either. You do what you have to do whenever you need to. You have to believe that you're not incompetent.''

Leni straightened herself and scowled, she seemed equally offended as confused. ''What does me peeing my pants have to do with it?''

''No… incompetent- oh never mind.'' Lori grabbed her by her shoulders and stared at her sister, decisive to assure her of the facts once and for all. ''Mistakes will be made, but they will forgive you. You are soft and kind; you know everyone in the family so well and can solve every issue with our sisters literally better than I did, without yelling even! Be the sister you always were to the others: play with them, listen and console them if they cry, but do know when you have to make them behave. You are going to do okay and once you accept that, you're ready.''

''O-okay?'' As if she had seen something otherworldly, Leni seemed overwhelmed with Lori's encouragement, and reflected on it even after Lori had retracted her hands. It gave Lori some time to consider her plans: with what she just did, she didn't feel like packing for college anymore so instead she tried to think something up to lighten their mood after this conversation.

''Come on, we wait for Lynn to come home and then I'll treat you all to some ice cream!''

With a light prod, Lori got Leni to shuffling after her as she was still confused with what she was just told, but Lori was certain that would come with time... she hoped it did.

As Lori fetched some money, she gave the past two minutes one last thought:

She felt guilty sounding as pressing to Leni as she did, but Lori decided it was important that she kept up a sense of fearlessness. Giving in to the emotion of some of her family wasn't going to make it easier for Lori to keep on carrying the burdens that her back was not strong enough to bear. Either way, it was a certain way of reassuring to know there were more people in the family who didn't look forward to her departure; she was going to be missed.

I swear I can't keep these chapters as short as I want to even if I try. It makes me worry that once I actually do post a shorter chapter, it either looks underwhelming or I become afraid it might disappoint people.

It also bothers me that the conclusion to Leni's problems seem a little too alike to Lincoln's last chapter, even after I rewrote her bit. Good thing next few chapters are certainly going to be more different.

With that said and done, I once more thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you enjoyed it and continue to do so with subsequent updates!

:D,

-Q.W.