NOTES: Fortunately this chapter didn't take me too long, so here it is. I have tried a few new things with this one, I hope you'll like it, enjoy!
chapter 4: Shadowplay
Asuka looked through the closet, Misato asked her to find her old red jacket from her days at NERV, she looked for a long time. She went through different winter jackets, dresses, coats, she was surprised to find so many different types of clothing mixed together. At the end of the closet she found something she never expected, two different jackets, Shinji's jackets.
After the angel war and the SEELE crisis that came after it NERV was absorbed into the JSSDF and a NERV section of the JSSDF was created, all NERV personnel we're kept their ranks, and pilots became first lieutenants, they were all given two sets of uniforms, a full dress uniform for official events which they wore to many different galas, speeches, and even military parades. The second uniform was something akin to a standard BDU a soldier would wear in the field.
Asuka found Shinji's uniform jackets, olive coloured jackets with the name Ikari on the chest, a Japanese flag on one sleeve, the NERV crest on the other, shoulder boards indicating the rank of a first lieutenant, one being the BDU jacket the other the full dress one.
Asuka thought that Shinji would have dumped his uniform, or given it to Kensuke who was an avid collector of military equipment, but she was extremely surprised she kept his, she kept her uniform too, but she left it in her small apartment in Berlin.
Misato noticed Asuka staring at the jackets
"I see you found Shinji's uniform jackets" She said startling Asuka.
Asuka jumped loudly exclaiming "Scheiße!"
as Misato giggled. She quickly calmed down and started wondering about something relating to the jackets.
"Hey Misato, can I wear one of them?" She asked timidly.
"Yes, I think Shinji won't mind you wearing one of his uniforms, I even think he'll be happy." She answered
"Thanks Misato" Asuka said while putting on Shinji's BDU jacket.
somewhere else...
Gendo sat in his cell waiting for a guard to get him, he heard the news of what happened to his son, he applied to be allowed to visit his son in the hospital and to visit his son's family, for one day he would be a free man, although he would be carefully monitored at all times by an undercover agent.
"I know they won't take too kindly to seeing me, I know he won't like me visiting him, but I have to, this is the least I could, I know he and Yui hate me, but I have to repent, I have to repay for my sins towards my family anyway I can, I need to regain the right to call myself an Ikari" Gendo mumbled staring at the ceiling.
He heard a knock on his door, and then he heard it open, he heard a rough voice say "Ikari", the voice was filled with contempt and disgust, but he was used to being treated like that, he deserved it after all.
"I did everything, everything I wanted to
I let them use you for their own ends"
The Kaji-Katsuragi household was celebrating news they had received from the hospital, Shinji was recovering very quickly and might wake up in the coming days, all was well.
Kaji was back from his business trip, here to spend time with fiancé. They all sat by the table having dinner, loudly talking and enjoying a simple family dinner, Asuka's presence filled up the void caused by Shinji's absence, at least to a certain degree.
The radio was on, giving everyone a taste of the everyday news, things felt normal, everyone felt like everything will be alright in the end.
outside of the door to the apartment
Gendo was anxious, he knew that the reaction to his presence will be harsh, he expected to have the door simply shut in his face, he even considered the possibility of being assaulted, but he knew deep down that he deserved it, he almost caused third impact after all.
Dressed like an everyman, albeit a bit raggedy, deprived of his gloves, sunglasses, and uniform, he stood in an old raggedy beige coat, with a shirt and tie visible underneath it, a change of style reflecting his fall from grace.
He anxiously stood by the door, trying to muster up enough courage to knock, seconds like minutes, minutes like hours, hours like days. But at last he decided to finally do it.
He knocked
Gendo heard a voice he recognised, a voice of one Ryoji Kaji saying "I'll get it!" on the other side of the door.
The door opened
Kaji stood face to face with the man who almost sold the world; Gendo Ikari.
Kaji was furious, he expected to never see that man ever again, he thought he was free from him, yet Gendo stood before him just like 5 years ago, but something was different. Gendo had no pride in his stance, no arrogance, he looked meek and vulnerable.
Gendo broke the terrifying silence
"I have come to make amends, and to see my son, if you and your family don't want to offer me a chance at redemption I understand, and I will be on my way."
Kaji was honestly surprised, he saw something in Gendo, he saw real will to change, and so he silently moved to the side and let Gendo in.
Gendo thanked him quietly and moved through the hallway like a shadow.
He walked into the kitchen where Misato, Asuka, and Pen Pen were enjoying their meal, as soon as they noticed him their faces started expressing a mixture of rage and surprise, Kaji stood beside him looking at the floor.
The room was silent, the only noise to be heard was the newsman talking about some tourist named Dimitri dying after falling off of an escalator in one of the Tokyo III malls.
"He has something to say"
Kaji said in a serious tone
"Why the fuck should we care about what he has to say? Ryoji did you forget what that man has done to us? Did you forget about him planning to end the damn world?" Misato shouted
"I have been released for 48 hours to try to make amends, I came to you first because I thought that you were the most deserving."
Gendo said in a meek tone, effectively silencing Misato
"I have been used by SEELE, I knew that, but I thought that in the end I would be the one using them to get Yui back. None of this excuses me, I have committed unforgivable crimes and I have hurt too many people to count, moments such as the Bardiel incident haunt me endlessly, but this is a well deserved fate. I have failed my wife, I have failed my son, and I have failed every single person that ever associated with NERV. I do not ask for forgiveness, for I know that I am unforgivable, but I will do my best to fix things." Gendo began his monologue
"Nothing will excuse my cruelty, and the fact that I was willing to destroy the lives of many people including my son just so I could be with my wife again.
I have ruined too many lives, including the ones of the people present here. I am truly sorry for all I have done to you, you are all wonderful people and I wish you all of the best in life, thank you for letting me explain myself, I will be on my way now, I don't want to intrude on you any longer."
With that Gendo turned around and started leaving
Misato spoke up, which made Gendo stop
"I understand, honestly I am close to forgiving you, not yet, but I will consider it."
Kaji and Asuka were absolutely shocked
"Misato! What the fuck are you thinking? Scheiße have you lost your damn mind? Did you forget everything he did?" Asuka yelled at her host
"I haven't Asuka, he is clearly doing his best to atone for his sins, he is in a position where he can't do much, apologies are everything he can do unfortunately." Misato explained herself to Asuka, she turned her attention to Gendo
"Now go to your son, reportedly he is in good condition and may wake up soon, but I am sure that you were planning on visiting him already, goodbye Ikari, and thank you."
With that Gendo nodded, and left for the Tokyo III hospital.
"In the shadowplay, acting out your own death, knowing no more"
Gendo made his way to the Tokyo III hospital where his son laid in a comatose state, me moved quickly, with his head down. He did everything he could so he wouldn't be recognised, being assaulted would throw a wrench in his plans and take up valuable time, time that he didn't have a lot of.
The streets of Tokyo III have changed a lot since he has walked them for the last time, the city was much different than the one which he practically ruled over with an iron fist during his days as the supreme commander on NERV, but those days were behind him now, and it was for the best. As he walked reminiscing and thinking of how he can make amends with all of his severely limited resources he bumped into someone.
He fell to the ground, heart racing, his plans to move quickly and unnoticed were laid to rest by an accident, he accepted his fate, he understood that now he will be going to the hospital not as a guest, but as a patient.
But to his surprise he bumped into someone who he recognised; First Lieutenant Shigeru Aoba, a former member of the NERV bridge crew
Aoba extended his hand to the man on the ground helping him up
"Hey sorry old man, I should have paid more attention to where I was goi-"
Aoba lost his words as he noticed who he was talking to, his mind immediately bombarded him with thoughts of punching the man, but Aoba had enough reason to not throw away years of his life as a victim of Tokyo III's tough on crime policies.
"Ikari" Aoba said coldly, his voice filled with spite
"First Lieutenant Aoba, what a coincidence" Gendo replied in his new found meek tone, he decided to use this encounter as a chance to try to make amends with another victim of his hubris and derangement.
"I know that if you could you would beat me to a pulp, but I am here for a reason, I have been given 48 hours to try my best to make amends with my victims, currently I am on my way to the hospital to see Shinji. I know I don't deserve this chance at redemption, but please if you can and will, meet me me in some time, I have a lot of explaining and apologising to do."
Aoba was shocked by this, he never expected Gendo
Ikari to have a side like this, the cold, distant, uncaring and merciless supreme commander of NERV was someone who nobody expected to have a side like this. The bastard who was ready to throw away humanity just to be with his wife again trying to redeem himself?
Aoba was not a person who believed in miracles, but what was happening right in front of him could be only interpreted as one, he decided to accept Gendo's plea, knowing that this is his last chance at closure.
"Alright Ikari, I'll hear you out, meet me near the train station in two hours, consider yourself lucky because I shouldn't be giving you this chance." And so Aoba walked away, leaving Gendo surprised, but this feeling soon gave way and he continued his way to the hospital.
He took in his surroundings as his rhythmic footsteps took him to his destination. Every building he passed drowned him in thoughts of what could have been, useless thoughts only there to torment him, but to him this torment was a form of motivation, motivation to do better.
Every second he was struck with an impulse to turn around and look for SEELE moles, forgetting that the old men were either rotting in prison or six feet under, being their puppet was always a source of paranoia for him, even when SEELE left his life, this paranoia remained.
Everything around him would be in a state of ruin, everyone around him would've been reduced to LCL if he wasn't stopped, was being with his wife again worth sacrificing humanity? He was ashamed it took him so long to realise, and that he hadn't broken of SEELE's strings and truly rebelled against them back when he was the supreme commander of NERV, back when he was one of the most powerful people on the planet.
But his time for thinking about the past has ran out, he had reached the hospital. He stopped before it's entrance, did a person like him who threw away so many lives at a whim belong in a building built for saving lives? No, but he came here for a reason, and he didn't get the chance at redemption to just throw it away like that, he had no plans to spit in the face of destiny like he used to. With these thoughts he slowly but surely entered the hospital.
He approached the desk like a ghost leaving walking out of the fog, with a gradual influx of courage he asked for the room number of a coma patient by the name of Shinji Ikari, he was thankful that so far nobody recognised him, the less trouble he encounters the better.
His plans were ruined by the receptionist's question, any small amounts of courage or confidence he had swiftly disappeared. He was asked who he was to the patient, why was he visiting the patient. Gendo promised himself to lie no more, and to speak only the truth as a part of his attempt to redeem himself, so he reluctantly answered.
"Father."
The receptionist was satisfied with the answer and informed him of the room number
"Room 2137"
With the information he needed he left to look for the room in which his son laid in a coma, only when he was well on his way did the receptionist realise who she had just talked to, the father of Shinji Ikari, former supreme commander of NERV; Gendo Ikari, the man who tried to sell the world.
He stalked the hallways of the hospital like a lost soul roaming the depths of hell, moving by each room on his way to his son. Gendo remembered the times of the angel war and the few times that he visited it during that turbulent time, the place had an aura of misery and death, the halls practically echoed with screams of agony of family members crying over their relatives, now the hospital was different, it was in much better condition and the atmosphere wasn't as heavy and the staff weren't as busy, despite these changes Gendo couldn't stop thinking about how many people have slowly slipped away and faded away from life in this building.
He finally reached his destination, now his mind turning it's attention onto his son, just like it should have had when his son wasn't in a coma, back before he still had a true chance at being a father to him. He opened the door coming into the room, it was silent like a grave, silent like a chamber of ages. Finding a chair he sat down beside his son's unconscious form.
Gendo grabbed Shinji's hand and started his monologue, possibly his last words to him in the coming future, or eternity.
„Shinji, my son... I came here to try to right my wrongs, but I am not sure I can do it anymore, I have done too much to be able to just beg for forgiveness and expect it... Out of everyone I try to make amends with I think you are the most deserving, I harmed you the most.
I have no right to call myself your father, I abandoned you, and used you, this is unforgivable, during the times when I should have been raising you I was too busy trying to exchange humanity for a chance to be with Yui again, but if she ever saw me again she would not forgive me, she would hate me for what I have done.
Oh Yui... What did you get us into? Shinji, I'm proud of you son, you have done a great service to humanity during the angel war, and you're a great person, you always do what you have to for the ones you love. I know it's partially me and Yui's fault you're in this bed right now, we have failed you as parents, fortunately enough you have Katsuragi and Kaji, they have done what they could where we failed and I'm glad they have.
There are too many things to say but not enough time and words for it, I am sorry for this lacklustre apology but that's the best I can do right now, I promise if I'm ever allowed another leave I'll visit you and I'll try to make it up to you. Take care Shinji, and remember; you can be happy, not all hope is lost, I believe in you. Goodbye Shinji."
And so Gendo got up and left the hospital room, he felt deflated, his steps were slow and heavy, his mind was filled with fear, fear for the future.
Gendo had no time to mope around and linger, he had many things to do, one of them being a talk with a former member of the NERV bridge crew; Shigeru Aoba.
On his way to the train station he was supposed to meet Aoba at Gendo started to fall into a now familiar trap, his mind started descending into an avalanche of thoughts that could be only described as ruinous. He wondered if his son will ever forgive him, or even consider him as his father, he thought such conclusions to be very unlikely, yet he still had a small glimmer of hope that things may turn for the better.
Tokyo III, Shinji Ikari's hospital room
Shinji laid in his hospital bed, still in his comatose state, but his consciousness was elsewhere, his subconscious was projecting itself, he was dreaming again, which is a very rare occurrence amongst people in comas, but this was a world with ethereal immortal entities taking material form and 70 meter robots.
Shinji wandered the lands created by his mind, a white beach with LCL instead of water, a Rei-like form in the distance and stone figures of EVA-like beings. It was a place he knew from his nightmares, it wasn't his first time here.
He looked at himself, his form was very similar to his 14 year old self, which was a common theme in his nightmares. He looked at the sea of LCL that stretched out before him, it was his third time scanning the almost infinite sea of the orange blood-like fluid, but this time his sight fell upon something new, something previously unnoticed.
A form which looked like Asuka nearing the coast, noticing her he quickly got on his feet and ran as fast as he could to her. Shinji dragged Asuka from the sea of LCL to the white beach, he was quickly overcome with an urge to strangle her. He lost control and put his hands around her throat, and so he began strangling her.
As he strangled his victim for reasons unknown to even himself, she reached out and caressed his cheek.
He stopped
His eyes started to burn
Tears started leaving his eyes and falling onto his victim
Two words escaped her mouth
"How disgusting"
He just sat on her crying his eyes out, while she caressed his cheek, how pathetic
And then he opened his eyes, eyes that haven't been opened in almost two weeks.
He stared at the ceiling above his bed, he couldn't stop himself from saying something that he hasn't said for over 5 years
"Another unfamiliar ceiling"
EXIT NOTES: I hope you enjoyed this new chapter, and I hope the descriptions weren't too bad, unfortunately I was never good at describing things. This fic will now also appear on AO3, unfortunately it seems that it may take me a longer while to come out with another chapter so please be patient!