He walked toward the beach, the one near Sam and Addison's houses. It was peaceful, the waves crashing on the sand calms his troubled thoughts. Now, he somewhat understands Addie's insistence on being zen in L.A. because this view can just alleviate any stress and chase away any anxieties.
Hope was dying out and he was the only one holding on. Yet he was in denial that it's hope, and doctors of St. Ambrose just aren't competent enough to know when a patient can survive.
Or maybe, they just don't know Addison as well as he does.
He sat down on the sand, letting the sunlight bite his skin. He felt refreshed, comfortable, yet incomplete. And he knows what could make him feel complete.
"I threw the rings. Back in the ferry. And then I came back here." Derek's head turned to see the woman in his thoughts, now wearing different clothes than before. His face felt hot as he saw her, heightened emotions resurfacing once again. It's refreshing to see her standing, instead of being unconscious for the whole day.
She sat down beside him, an arm's length away.
He wanted to be near her, to hug her, to wrap her inside his arms. It was one of the things he had taken for granted all these years. And now, she's so near yet so far, and he never felt as incomplete as before. And he knows she was the missing piece. She's here, but she isn't real.
"I threw both our rings. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done… but I did it." Derek's eyes teared up as he looked at Addison's carefree smile. "I thought you were gonna be there. But I'm glad you weren't, or I would have never been able to throw our rings."
He wasn't sure how true it was anymore. He did not know whether the real Addison got rid of the rings by throwing them in Seattle water, or if she burned them, or buried them. As he imagined the rings that manifested their vows sinking deeper into the water, lost forever, and the first time he got hold of Addison's ring and slipped it on her finger, regret washed over him.
He wants to go back to a random night back in his marriage with Addison, a random night where he still saw her and they were happy, when they were struggling to catch up with each other because of long hospital shifts, when they did catch up and tucked the other safely into their arms... and stayed there as if they will never have that again. Where it was them against the world and it was only the two of their young selves supporting the other.
He wants to go back when no one cheated, got hurt, or was dying.
He watched her stand up and go nearer to the water, her bare feet sinking. She was beautiful, face as carefree and young as the day he first laid his eyes on her. It looked as if she was content and happy and Derek wondered whether she still would be when she wakes up.
He wanted nothing more than to stay here forever, half of him desperately wishing that he's unconscious too, that they could both leave everything behind and be together again.
"Join me?" Addie asked him, hand stretched, inviting him to take it. It was a no-brainer so he stood up and took it, and she gently led him knee-deep into the ocean. He felt her, arms wrapped around his neck, head resting on his chest. His hands were lightly resting on her waist, afraid she was gonna disappear with his touch. The waves crashed on their legs and it felt as if it was only the two of them standing in the California waters.
He could stay here forever.
"I think I'm gonna stay here." He cannot even make up a response, as his mouth and throat felt dry. Instead, he finally gave in and hugged her back tightly, his chest heaving as sobs exploded from him. This is what he longed, to be able to wrap his arms around her again, and this time, never let go.
She felt warm, warmer compared to her slightly cold, still hand back in the hospital, as if every single moment of this was real even though Derek knows it isn't.
"Say something, Derek." His heart skipped a beat as Addison pulled back slightly, looking at him in the eye. He felt her hands ghost his cheeks, as if wiping his tears.
Addison's back in the hospital and this is not real. She's going to wake up soon and… what then?
"It's very calm here, isn't it?" He could only nod. "You wanna stay here… with me?"
He jumped when he suddenly felt a hand land on his shoulder. When he opened his eyes, he was back inside Sam's house, standing just by the doors leading to the beach, with Sam standing beside him.
"It's one of her favorite views." Derek gripped the glass he was holding a bit tighter. He wanted to punch Sam so badly for pulling him away from where he was before. He wanted to shout about minding his own business yet he knows he couldn't. He wanted to stay there forever, and never leave the beach, never leave Addie.
What do you want, Derek?
His mind replayed Meredith's voice, from when he finally answered one of her phone calls.
I want us to be over.
"We have to go back to the hospital… Charlotte called and they said she's gonna wake up anytime now." Derek's heart raced. His feet were stuck, as if his entire body just froze.
He looked back at the beach, and saw a redhead standing, smiling back at him, he couldn't help but smile back. It's all coming to reality now.
Soon.