AN: Hey y'all, surprise surprise.
So, this fic was finished, but I am opening it back up. I won't say that I don't like how the last chapter ended, but I do think the ending could have been more drawn out. Looking back it feels rushed. That's not why I am here though! Someone was kind enough to suggest an update and I really, really, reallyyyy appreciated it- so, here it is!
HUGE HUGEEEE shoutout to LiLaAir.
This offers context for Bonnie's bad mood and focuses on digging deeper into how Bonnie and Kai feel about each other.
WARNING- this was my attempt at combining intensity and fluff. I wanted to lean in to this warped(?) sort of tenderness, but I admit I am *really* bad at gauging what is Too Much fluff and what is not enough. So I really can't tell you whether this is overly sweet or not. Anyway, you can expect the tone of this to be a little different than previous chapters.
Let's dig back in!
Kai's hand hovers in the air unsure of whether to knock against the wood in front of him or tuck back into his pocket and pick at the lint there. He's been standing here, on the porch across the street, for the better portion of five minutes trying to weigh the best option.
To try and go inside (or at least get the woman inside to come out)? Or to turn around and fuck off back to his place to sulk even more?
After their scene last week, the pair decided it was best they take a break. By that he only meant they stop playing for a while, re-orient themselves, figure out what it was they were doing.
Apparently, they weren't on the same page because Bonnie had taken it to mean they should each pretend like the other didn't exist. She didn't pick up his FaceTime calls, didn't wave when they got home at the same time (which happened more often than it should, and definitely not because he waited to see her coming down the street in her little Prius).
Every time he texted her, she left him on read. On the fifth day he thought about sliding into her DMs then realized he was probably coming across as unhinged, so he fell back. If she wanted to be left alone then he could do that. He wasn't happy about it, but he got it.
Even so, he wanted to check-in. It isn't like them to go so long without talking, even if he can't hop right back into her good graces, he wants to make things right, or at least try. Last week, things got heated. Though that's a bit of an understatement, they unearthed new ground, and neither was quite sure how to tread it. Aftercare went well, but she remained largely silent.
When she made her way to the door to leave, he knew things had shifted between them, and not for the better. Even before his comment about her grandmother that broke the dam, she was acting bizarre. What set her off so badly that he had to poke at her familial trauma to get her to speak? He'd been wondering for the better part of their time spent apart.
He gulps and wills himself to make a decision, any decision. Whether he gives her more space, ignores her right back, or knocks so hard he breaks down her door matters less than him actually choosing one of them. Standing out here like this he feels foolish.
Before he can make the crucial choice, she opens the door for him. Kai wants to take it as a positive sign, but then she walks away before he can vocalize any greeting.
Great, she's still icing him out. At least she's letting him in physically, it's better than nothing. Though, he realizes she probably watched him squirm on her doorstep for the entire time and he's unsure of how to feel about it.
He follows her inside; she hasn't invited him in proper, so he stands awkwardly between the foyer and her living room where she is.
He's only been over to hers a handful of times since they always have their sessions at his house. His eyes wander around, looking from place to place, half out of curiosity and half in an attempt to figure out what he wants to say.
He doesn't have to wait long, the silence between them only stretches for a moment before she breaks it by speaking first, "I felt your intention before you even crossed the street. You really need to get better at masking. You don't know who could be around, it's dangerous."
"Maybe I want you to feel me, Bonnie." Cool eyes peer over at her and she doesn't know how to take his words.
When she doesn't respond he tries to balance the moment, "Besides, I'm a big boy, I can fend for myself. I appreciate your concern though, really, it's touching," he tries his best to coax the thin pressed line of her mouth into a smile.
Usually, she's charmed by his faux arrogance, but today she's having none of it. He's being a little flirty to diffuse the thick tension between them, but he isn't lying. He does forget to camouflage his aura, more often than not. He's the leader of his coven and mega-powerful, even before he had magic of his own, he rarely felt threatened by others. But with Bonnie, he just...doesn't care. If she feels it, she feels it; if she doesn't, she doesn't.
The thing is though, he knows she does.
It's not genuine apathy, he wants to let her in, to let her know how and what he feels. He doesn't bother to stop the tendrils of himself that fan out over the street because at least she can't ignore them.
She turns her back again and pulls a hamper of clothes up from the floor. After spreading out the clothes on the couch she proceeds to fold them, busying herself with faded tees and mismatched socks.
Ahh, so that's how it was going to be. From sixty to zero in less than a week.
The distance from where they were to where they are feels like its cliff height. It feels like he's been pushed.
Kai tries to ignore the new feeling of tightness growing in his chest and blames it on the chili cheese fries he scarfed down less than thirty minutes ago and not on the woman in front of him giving him her cold shoulder.
Seems his little spitfire has gone out and he hates it. Whatever rain cloud came over her last week has stuck around. If you asked him last Tuesday what her sullenness was about, he would have shrugged and mumbled something about seeing an Original around town and the fiasco that was Damon's Ripper mother.
Now it felt more personal as if it's about him specifically, but she hasn't told him why.
That's okay, he can be the bigger person, or at least he can try.
It's sort of funny considering between the two of them he literally is the bigger person. More than a few times while he had her bound, he referred to her as 'Shortstack'; only in his mind though. Comparing someone to pancakes while you've got your fingers down their throat kinda ruins the moment.
"I want to apologize," he says to her back as she tries to find the pair for the ankle sock in her hand.
"For?" She doesn't bother to look up at him and continues focusing on executing her chores.
"For last week," is there something else he ought to be apologizing for?
"Why?" She's still searching, but he can see her side profile from this angle and her face gives away nothing.
"Because things didn't go the way they should have, I shouldn't have said what I said." And you've been avoiding me since - "I get that you want me to give you space, but I think it's something we need to talk about, Bonnie."
"You do love deciding for me, don't you? I never said I wanted space, I just have a lot going on right now; my life doesn't revolve around you, Kai."
"What?" He's confused, isn't space what she wanted? As per all the one-sided communication?
"Where is this coming from?"
"It's coming from me, right now." Duh, she wants to add.
She can't help her tone and she doesn't mean to snap, but it seems the words come out before she can stop them. Despite what he thinks, she's not mad at him, it's everything else she's upset with, but Kai is here so he's become the dumping ground. He doesn't deserve it, but it feels good to let some of the angst out.
Realizing, in the long run, she'll only feel worse unloading on him for things he didn't do, she decides it's best to send him away.
"Listen, thanks for the apology, but I've got chores that aren't going to do themselves so…"
"They could if you wanted them to," he blurts out in a bid for more time.
"Doing some things without magic is important, Kai- you can't use it for every little thing."
"Why not?" Now that he had magic, he used it for everything, from turning on the TV to wiping his ass. Making up for his magicless childhood no doubt.
Cooking is the only time he uses his hands; he likes the ritual of it. The preparation grounds him. He doesn't want to take shortcuts or make it easier on himself, he loves the challenge and all the moving parts of making a meal. Other than that, he uses his craft indiscriminately and unapologetically.
That and sadism.
He doesn't like to use magical shortcuts when causing pain, it feels cheap. He uses magic in his scenes with Bonnie, but only ever to enhance, not cut corners. Cutting her from her ties using magic was an exception made for her safety and he'd do it over again in a heartbeat.
This attempt to stay isn't working though, he can see by her tense shoulders he only bought himself the one sentence. She still wants him to leave, and he doesn't know how to change that as quickly as he needs to.
"I thought...I thought we were doing something here. Something more than what we claimed?"
This is the problem with leaving things unsaid, why she is so keen to pretend is beyond him.
"Yea? Well, you thought wrong, it was just training, after all, right?"
"Apparently so..."
She continues to move around the living room, cleaning and organizing, paying him no mind again.
"Well, that's all I wanted to say. I guess, if you're busy, I'll get out of your hair..." he wants her to stop him, to say something- anything.
"Kai, wait-"
Yes! He can't help the sappy hope in his eyes or the tenderness in his voice as he turns back to face her, "Bonnie?"
"Can you hit that switch next to the door on your way out?"
Shit, anything but that.
"Yea, sure thing," he practically deflates.
He gets closer to the exit but stops before reaching for the light. Quickly he turns around, his stare accusatory, "What's your problem?" The question slips out practically of its own volition, his mouth speaking his mind.
"What's my problem?"
"Yea, that is what I asked." No sense backing down now, the question is out in the air, he has no choice but to stand behind it.
"I don't have a problem, Malachai- but it seems like you do? So go ahead, lay it out."
"I've been trying to figure out what's up with you, but you won't talk to me."
"What is there to talk about? What do you want from me now?"
"What do I want? I've never needed or wanted anything from you, what the hell?"
She's not making sense, all he wanted was to figure out the cause of her sudden retreat. He was standing here in front of her because he was worried and frustrated.
"What was it you said? Oh, that's right- If I want something from you, Bonnie, I'll just take it," she mimics shrilly, sounding nothing like him.
"You know that's not how I meant that, don't twist it around just because some bug crawled up your ass." Her attitude is starting to annoy him, he came here to play nice and makeup, can't she see that?
"So then what did you mean? You thought we were building something? Really? Or did you want to get your hands on me? God, you're so selfish."
"Excuse me? No- you came to me, remember? You showed up on MY doorstep at the ass crack of dawn. You pushed this, you escalated it. I was content to just be your neighbor- don't put this on me. You wanted it as much as I did."
"Oh, so, I lured you? I'm the Big Bad Wolf? I forced you into beating my ass three times a week? Is that it?"
She keeps twisting things around and it's making this even more frustrating.
"Bonnie- that's not what I said. What's going on? Because everything was fine, and now we're here. I figured it was typical Town Witch exhaustion. You've been hanging at the boarding house and I knew you were stressed, but you came in like...like a ghost. I'd never seen you like that before."
"I had a bad day; it happens to everyone." Bonnie shrugs as if she gave a perfectly reasonable justification for herself, too bad he isn't buying it.
"A bad day? You didn't say a single word to me the entire time we were together. From the second you came to my place you were different. We used the pins, and you didn't make a single sound. You've barely said a word to me since! You think you can fool me, but I know what a bad day for you looks like and it wasn't that."
It's not like he's totally stumped by her behavior, he has a clue what the issue is.
"It's just...everything! I'm spread too thin, and I feel so-" she stops in the middle of her sentence, at first he thinks she needs a moment to collect herself, but seconds pass and it seems she's trying to wordlessly move on.
"Say it."
"Say what, Kai?"
It's an exasperated reply, but she hasn't kicked him out yet, so he presses forward gently, "I want to hear you finish your thought. Why can't you tell me how you feel?"
He keeps his tone even and something about it sets her off.
"How I feel? You wanna know how I feel? Jesus fucking Christ, Kai I feel like my friends don't even care about me!" She shouts loud enough that she flinches at the sound of her own voice, but she doesn't stop.
"I feel like the walls are closing in, and the only person who makes me feel anything at all is a dude I meet up with three times a week to get hurt. I feel like a loser, Kai! How fucked up am I that getting choked by my neighbor is the only way I can feel anything? You think you're a freak? Look at me!"
It stings to hear her trivialize things between them, is that all he is to her? Just some dude? Worse than that, she's lumping him in with the people who use her, he can't accept it.
"So, you're a masochist? So what? You think you're the only person who likes pain? I don't think I'm a freak because I got through my shit and shame years ago. I get it, I do, but this- this pity party? It isn't you. Being a masochist isn't your worst trait, Bon, being so damn self-sacrificing is. You suffer here, with me, for yourself. Out there you suffer for them- and you think what we do is worse? Because we both like it? What about them, huh? Klaus? The Originals, Damon?"
They're in the thick of it now, the two of them wired and raring, but at least they're not leaving things unsaid anymore, far from it.
"Do you think they don't like seeing you suffer? At least I make sure you get off, at least I hold you afterward. What do they do? Chew you up and spit you out. The only people who even visit you here are Caroline and Matt. The rest of them? They call when they need you and you just go running. They say jump, you ask, 'How high?' But it's me who selfishly likes your pain? Me, who's bad for wanting to hurt you?"
Suddenly, his tone changes, he folds his arms over his chest and turns his ego back on in full, "Did we go about this all wrong, Bonnie? Would it have been better for me to join you and the Scooby-Doo crew in one of your countless inane bullshit brawls then throw out some 'friendly fire?' Or would you have preferred I drag you to Portland to fight rouge heretics with my coven and watch you kill yourself to clean up my mess? Is that what you want from me?"
"That's not fair, you know I only ever asked you for help those few times."
"Fair? You want to talk about fair? What's not fair is how you're trying to sabotage what we're doing because you had a shitty day."
"Wow, you are so-"
"So what? So right? So spot on? Admit it; that's why you're mad- because it's the truth and you know it."
His words land and she's speechless, mouth open in shock. The tension between them ascended to its peak.
"I think it's time for you to leave, now."
Shit, shit, shit. He scrambles to take his words back, "No, Bonnie, wait, please I didn't mean to say all that, I-"
"I said get out!"
He wants to stay here and hash this out, air out everything they need to say but it's clear this is a loss. Rather than push it's better to head home, re-strategize, and try again.
Maybe she'll be more receptive once more time passes. He reaches the threshold and it feels like a mirror of how this all started.
Bonnie watches him go, unsure of how things went from his simple good faith apology to them yelling at each other in her living room. Maybe she can turn this around yet.
His feet make it onto the stoop when he hears her throat clear, it's the last thing he expects, "I can admit should have communicated with you better-"
He closes her door and rushes back to where he stood, words tumbling out of his mouth while she's still speaking, "And so should I, Bonnie I should have-"
She puts her hand up, "Let me finish- please."
He makes a show of closing his lips tightly and pretending to zip them.
"What you said about me, what you said about Grams... you were right. It got to me because it's true. Even now- everything you said is accurate. It's been going on for so long and nothing has changed, she tried so hard to keep magic from me because she knew the potential it had to go wrong….to become what my life is now." Her eyes are still focused on folding, but she's giving him more than she was moments ago.
"She wanted to keep me from being used, from being hurt for what came naturally to us, she died trying to keep me safe and- and I've never felt safe since," she chokes, but quickly swallows it.
When she sees from her periphery that he's reaching out to her she quickly shakes her head, and he stills.
"All I want, all I've ever wanted, is to make her proud of me. I never had anyone else, it was always me and Grams, no one ever loved me like she did and what'd she get for it? A pointless and thankless death. She died for nothing and I'm still here picking up after the people responsible."
After he cut her loose, she remembers feeling so embarrassed.
Kai's seemingly flippant comment had destroyed her. He tossed it out so casually and it ripped the air from her lungs, but she still wasn't mad at him. It was the way he so effortlessly saw through her combined with how he touched a nerve that was freshly frayed.
Earlier in the day, she ran into Rebekah Mikaelson at The Grille.
She had been supposed to be meeting up with Damon, Marcel, and Elena to discuss the plan they had been working on for the better part of two months. It involved coming up with a way of stopping Klaus, who had become a bigger threat since acquiring the power of some mysterious Celtic relic with the help of some powerful foreign coven under his conscription.
Marcel had come down to join them about a week ago, it was shortly after that his paramour popped back up around town too.
1 week ago
Bonnie was charged with doing recon and sharing what she discovered.
All week she balanced her work life with the mission; reading old grimoires she managed to track down and borrow from other covens and talking to the leads she found on her own. At least she learned some things that would help them, hopefully.
She checks her phone and sees she's early, so far no one else has arrived.
Except for Rebekah, that is. An unwelcome surprise.
The blonde vamp had been seeking her out more and more since she arrived, trying to get Bonnie to get together with her. At first, she thought she wanted to talk about the details of the plan, assuming she was somehow involved, but she only asked her if she was free for, ' manis, pedis, and mimosas.' Bonnie told her she couldn't go because she had work, but she would have blown her off regardless.
It was weird, the two of them hadn't talked since high school. Even then they weren't friends. Yet every time they crossed paths the ancient was trying to invite her someplace.
Shortly after that, they ran into each other at the convenience store. The other woman asked if Bonnie was free for drinks and Bonnie almost thought she was coming on to her. She made up an excuse about already having plans with Care and left as fast as she could.
Now, here she was again, if Bonnie didn't know better she'd think the other woman was stalking her.
"Marcey's in the bathroom," the Original says, gesturing to the back of the restaurant with a nod.
"He told me I should sit here so you wouldn't think he didn't show up. I told him it didn't matter because I doubted you would come anyway. He's very bothered you know, he showed up thirty minutes early out of respect, thinking your crew would do the same, I tried telling him it was only a waste of time. Imagine my surprise seeing none other than little Bonnie Bennett come strolling through the door five minutes ahead of schedule. Kudos to you, Bennett, your punctuality is appreciated."
She smiles so wide that it pulls her face into an almost believable grin.
"Not by your friends, of course, I mean, where are they? If they cared about punctuality, or you, then they'd be here, wouldn't they? But between me and you, I don't think they're coming. I swear I heard Damon mention something about a lead over on the Eastern Shore, I'm pretty sure they left this morning. Marce flipped when I told him, he's on the phone yelling about it now. Of course, I waited until we got here to share, it must have slipped my mind. Oopsie," she says sounding not the slightest bit apologetic.
The Eastern Shore? Since when?
Bonnie opens her phone and pulls up Instagram, she checks Elena's story and sure enough there the two of them are smiling with their thumbs up, sitting in front of the Camaro. Damon is holding a thermos; presumably filled with blood, and smirks in his signature way. Across the top of the screen is a caption that says, "I think we're in the wrong California…" with an animated map pin that reads, 'California, Virginia.'
Her former classmate watches her from across the way, "Oh, did they not tell you?"
She laughs to herself lightly and Bonnie cannot hide her upset. She re-pockets her phone and tries to stop herself from raging out in the middle of the bar.
"You should see your face right now, actually I think I have a compact in here somewhere," she says digging around in her pocketbook.
What the fuck, this is so fucking like them! To ask her to come then stand her up. They were always leaving her out, she was always the last to know. They treated her like an afterthought and never apologized for it.
Bonnie doesn't respond to the antics, Rebekah is only trying to get a rise out of her, but she's not to blame for this.
The vampire scrunches her face and leans to the side of her stool as she appraises the other girl, "Can't say it's that much of a surprise though, is it? You've always been their little lap dog, haven't you? You won't even stay mad at them. Elena will smile and Damon will do that awful thing he does with his eyebrows and you'll be right there for them next time. The show would be entertaining if it weren't so predictable."
"Excuse me?" is all Bonnie can muster, she's overwhelmed.
This is the third time they've pulled something like this in as many months. The first time they neglected to tell her they were headed to Virginia Beach for a lead, the second they 'forgot' to tell her she didn't need to hang around the graveyard waiting for a contact they'd already met with. As if she didn't have better shit to do than hanging around the dead any more than she already did.
Rebekah holds the mirror in her hand, but doesn't hand it to her, point already sufficiently proven. It doesn't stop her from addressing her question, though, "Oh, should I repeat myself? You know, Bonnie, you've always been very powerful. Even back in high school, it's something I always admired about you. I thought if you just could step out of that shadow, you'd really be something."
She lifts her glass and scrutinizes it before frowning and setting it back down on the bar, "After I left, I thought of you from time to time, I was just sure you were off gallivanting the world doing bigger and better things. When I heard from my brother last year that you were working together, I was disappointed, but not surprised. Now look, a year later here you still are."
Why do her words sting so badly? Rebekah is no one to her, she doesn't matter, so why is this getting to her?
"You want to know what I think, Bonnie?"
She can't say that she does, but she's been stunned into silence. She flexes her mouth but try as she might no words come out.
"I think you like it because you don't know who you would be without them. You exist in the opposite. You're afraid there's no you without them; it's how you anchor yourself... I think you don't know who you are if you're not playing hero. If you stop saving everyone, you'll have to face that there's no one to save you. It's your whole identity. Bit of a waste, don't you think?"
Bonnie has been silent this entire time, rendered speechless.
When she does manage to speak, she wants to kick herself for the words that come out, "Is this because I wouldn't go to the mall with you last weekend?"
Rebekah tilts her head and looks at her as if she's addressing a small child, "I admit it hurt me a little that you didn't want my company, but that's not what this is about, do you honestly think me that petty?"
Bonnie raises an eyebrow and the woman opposite her only smiles. In the entire time they'd known each other the girl had been unapologetically shallow, or so she thought.
Shrugging she turns back to face the bar and orders two shots of tequila.
The bartender has obviously been compelled and reaches for the top shelf without needing to be told, "Fair enough. Listen, I'm not saying this to upset you, maybe you just need a little shove, some things need a nudge to get them going. You've been here too long; I don't want to see you here if I come again. You've done a lot of shit scraping and mess cleaning. Do yourself a favor and live a little. For yourself ."
The man behind the counter places the two shots down in front of them and winks at Rebekah who returns it. When he walks off, she reaches for the small glass of amber liquid and raises it in the air, "To selfishness and self-preservation- may you know the difference and mind it well. Cheers, Bonnie."
She clinks her glass against the other, which still sits atop the counter, and takes the shot. For the sake of appearances, she winces and acts as if the liquid is burning down her throat before turning back to her company.
"I came back to Mystic Falls as a favor to my lover, otherwise I wouldn't be caught dead in this town. Well, at least not more than I already am. Marcey is only here at this loathsome establishment because I told him I wanted to stay for a bite, he's still taking that call and if my ears don't deceive me, he is about to hang up and return. I'd love for us all to toss a few back, but if you leave right now, I promise I won't mention that I ever saw you; I'll keep it just between us girls. Us Timberwolves have to stick together, right?"
She signals the bartender again and orders another shot, this time her eyes go wide as she tells him to leave the bottle.
"Oh, and don't worry about Marcel, he has a soft spot for you. I'll put in a good word and let him know Damon and Elena fooled you too."
Bonnie doesn't need to be told twice not to stick around, she wants to know why the other girl is doing this, but she doesn't want to risk the other vampire coming back before she can escape. As Bonnie turns around to leave, she hears Rebekah from over her shoulder.
"I'm staying at the cutest little Airbnb just outside of town, stop by if you fancy yourself a drinking partner, something tells me you could use one."
Bonnie makes it outside and almost crumbles to her knees.
She kept thinking if she could ignore it all then it would go away, become unreal. She had no such luck though. If Rebekah could see it then everyone could, everyone but her. For someone who had been gone for so long to cut her so deeply and so casually, showed how things hadn't changed. Not for years, not for generations.
She was part of a cycle.
How long was this supposed to go on? Rebekah's harsh wake-up call turned her in on herself as it rang through her head for the rest of the day. Her silence inside the bar attached to her like a second skin and she couldn't find her way out of it.
Present
Moments after things had ended, Kai held her close and stayed with her until she stopped shaking.
It was what she needed, but it didn't stop shame from consuming her the moment she got up from his loving bed. She felt so humiliated, Kai's words brought everything full circle and opened a wound. Rather than leave herself exposed she tucked her tail and ran.
During their week apart she stayed to herself, hiding out in her apartment and only leaving for work and necessary errands. It wasn't that she was isolating without purpose, however. The time alone allowed her space to lean into that same self-preservation Rebekah mentioned at the bar. She ignored all the distractions and took a good hard look at herself and her life. It was time she made herself a priority.
Unfortunately, Bonnie was learning the hard way that self-discovery was often as painful as it was tiresome. She wanted to respond to Kai's messages, but she was so worn out. Maybe if she pretended to ignore him, he would leave her be.
She should have known he wouldn't let things go so easily.
"You know, I used to call myself Town Witch as a badge of honor? I come from such a long line of strong, powerful witches. Witches who were incredible; for so long I thought I was doing right by them and their legacy, but all I do is trail behind people who have brought me so much pain. All I do is and keep other people safe." At the expense of myself.
"Did you know when she was my age Grams once took on an entire vampire den down in South Carolina without breaking a sweat? She told me about it once, said by the time she really got started they'd all retreated, even their leader." She stares off as she remembers her grandmother, caught up in the memory and how bittersweet it is to re-open.
"It's so hard without her here, I miss her so much. She was so powerful and look at me; what does she think of me? What do my ancestors think? For so long I've known what you said is true- you saying it wasn't the first time I've heard it- I've been telling myself that for years, I guess I just never really let myself accept it..."
Her clothes are folded and there are no more distractions, she lets her eyes meet his and his soft gaze, absent of judgment or condemnation, eases her stress.
"This town's legacy with my family is...the same. Manipulation, using us then keeping us as their secret. We put our blood, sweat, and tears into this place and what did we ever get for it? I've tried so hard not to confront it, but I can't ignore it or bury it anymore. What you said hurt me, but it wasn't wrong." It was what I needed.
"Still, I should have checked in, I shouldn't have pushed you so hard. I knew you were on edge; I knew something was bothering you, and I didn't handle it the way I should have."
"That's the thing though- I agree we should have talked, but that's not why I was upset. I was so out of it, I wanted you to push me, to break-"
She catches herself, "Is that bad? Before you I never..." her words stop short as she weighs what she wants to tell him.
"Sometimes, it's like you're in my mind," she switches, "It's like you...it's like you're in my head; like you know what I want before I tell you, and, Kai, it scares me." She finally turns to him and her eyes catch his.
It feels like there's a ball of hot gas in his chest; like he's got indigestion.
Damn fries.
"I've never had a relationship like this before, I've never done whatever the fuck this even is," she gestures between them. "You think I've ever let a warlock tie me to his living room furniture and paddle me and put clothespins between my toes?"
He doesn't even think about her bottoming for other witches, he's stuck on the word relationship. Of course, he knows that it's a word that describes any sort of personal association, but... still.
"When I came to you those months ago, I was so desperate, but more than that I was tired, exhausted. I told myself I wanted to be better, that I wanted to be stronger to help everyone around me, but I think I wanted something for myself, you know? Something all mine, just for me."
"To be honest, I was completely shocked when you asked me. I never expected to see you on my doorstep and asking me to hurt you. At first, I thought I was dreaming, it felt too good to be true, but when you told me it was to help your friends I knew it was real. In my dreams, you never bring them up." Kai laughs remembering finding her that night.
"I was annoyed at your reason but it didn't matter, because I just wanted to be with you any way I could. It didn't matter how, and it still doesn't, I don't care how we got here, I just care that we are."
He wants to tell her that yes, he is hers. All hers. That he has been for a while now.
Before she stood naked in his doorway, before they worked their way up to heavier impact play, before she began confiding in him, probably even before that fateful night when she propositioned him. Kai has been the property of the Bennett witch since he first touched down on her coast and made his way to her town.
He wants to tell her that he is in her head, the way she's in his. They've burrowed into each other and to be honest...he doesn't want to crawl back out.
He thinks of her as more than his sub, more than his scene bottom.
She's...she's everything. This relationship of theirs has been the best thing he's had in his life. College showed him what masochism was, that it was possible to get off on pain without harm, but Bonnie- Bonnie has shown him that this dynamic can be so much more. Her pain matters to him because she craves it just as much as he does.
And that's the thing- he knows how much she wants it, and why. It feels good, and it feels good to choose it. When he watches her working through the pain he inflicts, it feels like he's solving problems by proxy. The shit they deal with outside is so complex, even though he's never been part of her little merry band of misfits he deals with his own chaos as the lead of his coven.
He thought being the Top Dog would mean he could act however he wanted, but with a coven as bureaucratic as his, he was beholden to so many people. Low councils, high councils, super-secret archaic ask-no-questions councils, and then some. He had an advisory board that he felt was just as often against him as they were for him. He had envoys to direct and different committees (and their subcommittees) too. Kai could relate to being spread thin, nights with her were one of the few times he had purely for himself.
They were an indulgence and an opportunity to leave behind all the other shit in his life if only for the short window they were together.
He imagines she gets a similar thrill.
Inside his bedroom, they don't do anything for anyone else. Only for each other. It's about give and take, and the pair of them are so used to giving and giving and giving. Kai indeed deals with different sorts of bullshit than she does, but it's hot and steaming all the same.
As a child he often resorted to silence when things got too overwhelming, it's part of why he's such a chatterbox now, he was making up for the lost time.
Seeing Bonnie so folded in on herself was maddening. She didn't talk as much as he did most days, but it wasn't just her silence. It was in the way she moved, the way she looked- he could tell she was upset the minute he saw her.
"Seeing you like that... I hated it. This isn't just about clothespins, or paddles, or making you cry for me, I don't want you to think that's all I want from you. I am here for you; you can talk to me, okay Bonnie? I want you to know that. What we do in my bedroom...yea I like it, but even if we never do it again, I want you to feel comfortable with me, I want you to feel safe. You can trust me, okay? I've always wanted us to know each other, even if it's only as friends."
'Friends'- given everything they've done the word sounds so tepid. But maybe some tepidity is what they need. If they ease back on the intensity maybe they can avoid the occasional explosions.
Relationships, all of them, are about maintenance along the way. Pretending this is something cut and dry has worked against them. It blew up in their face because they committed more to convincing themselves they wanted nothing more, instead of being open to how far they had come.
The warlock eyes her thoughtfully, typically he causes her pain, but right now he only wants to offer relief, "I knew her, you know," he says, rounding the corner of the table, "Sheila, I mean."
"What?" She moves the slightest bit closer to him, whether it's to receive the comfort he wants to offer or to better receive his answer isn't clear.
He proceeds regardless, she'll push him back if she doesn't want him, "Well, 'know' is a strong word. It wasn't like we were buddies or anything. I mean, first of all, she was like...forty years older than me. I didn't see her much, different coasts and all, but my mother loved her. She stayed with us a few times and she would always brag about you and show us pictures. I thought you were pretty cute; I had a little crush if I remember correctly."
"Shut up, you did not!"
"Well, I probably did. I always had a thing for girls with green eyes, even as a little tot."
The moment feels calm again, back to their norm, if not a little residually charged.
"Bonnie, Sheila loved you. She thought the world of you and all she wanted was for you to thrive. She would be so proud to witness the witch you've become, even if you're not where you want to be yet. I don't like to see you share so much of yourself with people who don't reciprocate, but it wasn't my place to say what I said- at least not like that. It's one thing to be right, it's something else to be cruel. I am glad you've processed it, but that doesn't make it okay."
He cradles her face in his hands, "I am sorry, and you don't need to forgive me, I just need you to know, okay?"
"Okay," she says.
It's unclear who moves to the other first, but they meet in the middle all the same.
They kiss hard and it's like a collision, like a cosmic force. Worlds come to life, planets die, and stars explode. They cling to each other like a second skin frantically pulling at each other and touching wherever their eager hands can find purchase. These days have felt like eons, passing so slowly he thought time itself had stopped. Now someone's pressed play again and he can finally breathe.
He hoists her up onto her counter, knocking all her freshly folded laundry to the floor where it messily heaps. She makes a small sound of protest, but before she can pull away to assess his clumsiness, he snaps his fingers and the clothes right themselves instantly. He snaps again and the clothes and the basket disappear entirely, presumably back to her bedroom.
She smiles into the kiss and speaks against his mouth, "I thought I told you it's important to do some things yourself."
"And I thought I told you that I didn't care?" He grins back against her.
"Hmmm, what do you care about?" She hums, lips still pressed to his swollen ones.
"Why don't you let me show you," he says, lifting her again and pressing her into the wall a few feet away, where he places her down gently.
She's leaning next to a light fixture breathing through her nose while she tugs at his bottom lip the way she knows he loves.
He's appreciative and wedges his thigh between her legs, pressing it directly against her. Instantly the smaller witch bears down, pressing back into him and rubbing herself over his jean-clad knee. This maddening friction is not enough and too much all at once. Absence has indeed made their hearts grow fonder (yes, yes, hornier too).
They make out that way, in the light of her hallway, until they are breathless. When his lungs burn, and he can no longer lean into the welcome suffocation of her kiss he leans his forehead against hers. It was meant to be an intimate way of catching himself, but quickly that intimacy takes over until it's the only thing between them.
Kai drags his hands down her sides, savoring the feel of her. When they get to her hips Bonnie pulls at his wrists until he lets go, he thinks she's trying to push them lower, but she only strokes his palms gently.
In an instant, he understands what there is to love about gentleness. Usually, it was something he did for others' sake, reigning himself in and showing restraint or moving slowly because others wanted it from him. Right now, though? This moment is all theirs. He needs it just as much as he knows she does.
It's this for him, this polarity.
This sweet transition from their heated makeout to hand stroking in the hallway. It's the way he wants to lead her by the hand into her bedroom and make love for the rest of the day (and night, and the next day) as much as he wants to lead her there and tie her to the ottoman and cover her stomach with hot wax.
His mind has been blank, too focused on breathing her in to form actual thought, but when she next speaks, he realizes she's saying the one thing he's felt since she left him alone in his place ten days ago.
"I missed you," her voice is small, absent of its usual challenging tone.
She brings her hands to his jaw and strokes it then leans against his chest and somehow manages to curl tighter against him. From his jaw, her hands wrap around his back and she holds him as if she wants to make up for the time apart.
"Awww, Bon, that's pretty sappy, not gonna lie." He says, but she can tell he doesn't mean it flippantly.
His own arms wind their way around her and they're hugging each other. She won't admit it out loud, but he's right, it is sappy, but he doesn't care and neither does she, this is nice. Not nice as in simple, not nice as in alright; it makes her feel safe to be cradled by him. Bonnie loves feeling Kai, she loves it when his hands connect with her skin and she can appreciate every sensation passed between them. It's not just the intensity, it's not just this moment of solace, it's him. All of him.
Who has she been fooling? These last ten days were miserable. Damon had momma drama, Elena had Damon drama, and they kept trying to involve her. Neither has even bothered to apologize for last week with Marcel. They just expected her to be over it and at their beck and call again.
Halfway through the week, Caroline had come by to check on her. They spoke for a long time, about the past, the future, and all the crap in between. Talking with her friend was illuminating. Rebekah had been acting like they were besties too; the only person she wasn't fawning over was Elena. Maybe she should take the girl up on her offer of manis, pedís, and mimosas one of these days before she left. Marcel was leaving at the end of the month and she was certain Rebekah would be returning to Louisiana before then.
Care was a welcome refresher to her sulking. Leave it to the bubbly blonde to distract her, but when she left Bonnie was alone with her thoughts again.
All week the one thing she wanted, the one person she wanted, sat across the street aching for her as ardently as she did for him. Shutting Kai out was hard, every day it felt like he was reaching out to her, each day it grew closer.
Over the weekend it made its way from the middle of the street, halfway between the two of them. Tuesday, she felt it at her front door. By Wednesday, it had jumped to the foot of her bed and the next morning she woke up with his magic swirling above her. It progressed until she woke up the morning of the sixth day of ignoring him with the tell-tale cobalt grey of his magic's aura stuck to her skin. More than once she wondered if he was doing it on purpose.
For her part, she didn't let her magic reach back out. She kept hold of herself and tampered it down, suppressed her desire and her powers so it seemed one-sided.
As impulsive and detached as Kai can be, to say he's unemotional is a lie. It's the opposite, he's hyper-emotional. She feels his mood changes from across the street- when he's overjoyed at a new recipe coming out perfectly on the first try, when he's yelling because the team he's rooting for on some gameshow is losing, when he gets annoyed because his father is calling for the fifth time after being sent to voicemail.
For the last ten days, five hours, and however many minutes, she's only felt his upset, his agitation, his sadness, and buried beneath all of that- his desire to see her again. Bonnie could tell exactly how much Kai wanted her and she could tell it was about more than their shared propensity for violence- she felt him missing her, wanting to show her some meme his sister sent him, wanting to get her opinion about how much more cayenne to add to the buffalo cauliflower he was making. It felt like he was with her, but it only made the aching worse. She felt like he was so close and so far at the same time, whatever comfort it offered was canceled out by how it magnified their separation.
She mumbles her thanks to the universe that they are together again.
She kisses the column of his throat until she hears, and feels, his moan reverberate beneath her lips. Kai leans further against her and she takes deep joy in watching him come undone as easily as he's able to do with her.
When she trails kisses down to his chest and begins to push at the lapels of his flannel shirt, he stops her.
"I don't want us to rush back into this," he says holding onto her hands, both wanting to move them gingerly down to her sides, where it's safe, neutral territory, and to press them against the wall above her while he takes care of the buttons himself.
He's not torn, but he is tempted. Even so, he keeps his hands on hers and neither encourages nor pushes them away.
Kai swallows thickly and tells her the truth on his mind, "I want us to take our time if that's what we need. This is important to me, Bonnie."
You're important to me, she can tell he means.
He's important to her too, she doesn't want to jump back in quite yet, but that doesn't mean this moment has to be over so soon. They just found their way back to each other. They can at least savor it a while longer and that doesn't have to include anything more than being with each other.
"What if we just, you know, hang out?"
They've both cooled down a bit and the charged moment has passed, but the intimacy lingers.
"Hang out? Like we're teenagers?" He nuzzles her jaw until she bats him away playfully because it tickles. It's funny because less than moments ago they were making out in the hallway like teens, groping and grinding against each other as if discovering it for the first time.
"Yea, good ol' fashion company sharing. Remember that? We could pick out a movie, order some shitty takeout, curl up on the couch, and make a night of it."
She smiles at the prospect of her suggestion, "More making out with your knee between my legs optional of course, but always encouraged," she says kissing his jaw then sucking his lower lip into her mouth again.
Bonnie kisses him until she feels his grin pull taut beneath her lips, "No way are we eating shitty anything on my watch, Bonster, let me pop back over to mine and I'll grab all the ingredients for the best spaghetti carbonara you've ever had."
Kai says it through a smile, and it's so sincere and brilliant, his eyes are completely lit up and she can see the flecks of grey interwoven with the blue of his irises. She doesn't want him to leave, even for the mere minutes it would take for him to go to his house and come back.
The girl waves her hand and the contents of his kitchen magically appear on her island, a bag of flour, a cartoon of eggs, cheese, something that looks like bacon, some bread she suspects he made himself, and a bag of peas, among other various items.
Kai only smirks at her; mouth cutely curled on one side as he crosses his arms over her chest and clears his throat.
"Oh, shut up, this doesn't mean you're right," she rolls her eyes, "it was just easier."
"Actually, babe, I think it does," he says, following her to the kitchen and organizing the supplies, making sure she didn't miss anything.
He snaps his fingers, and an apron materializes around his neck with a little chef hat and lipstick stain that says, Kiss The Cook.
So, she does.
Bonnie gets on her tippy toes and pretends to scoff at the corny garment before pecking him several times in quick succession. It's the first pet name he's used with her and they're both a little stunned, but they both decide they like it. This lightness is fun, it's easy.
"Pfft, yeah, whatever," she says back, moving to snatch the baguette that she manifested and pretending to hit him with it, " babe ."
She lays one on him again, deciding that one more peck won't hurt him. After all, pain is more her thing than his.
6 hours later
"Okay, but I am just saying it's not realistic! It isn't believable!"
"It's a movie about an ogre whose best friend is a talking donkey being commissioned, by a fascistic man child, to go get a princess from a tower, who's secretly also an ogre, with narcissistic parents- which part of that made you think it was supposed to be realistic?"
"Blah, blah, blah it's called 'temporary suspension of disbelief', babe."
"Okay, so then use that here?"
It's the twelfth time he's called her babe since he first said it in the kitchen, not that she's been counting or anything.
"For a donkey? Fucking a dragon? He's not even a big donkey or anything! He's regular-sized, probably smaller, and I am supposed to believe they got together and had kids? No way!"
"I don't really want to think about this..."
"The mechanics of it don't make sense!"
He's waving his hands around wildly while she sits cooly watching, "How would you know how big a donkey is?"
"Siri," he leans toward his phone until the accented voice replies, "how big is the average donkey?"
He turns back to her before the bot can reply, "and why the hell is his name 'Donkey' anyway- everyone else has an actual name. Lord Farquaad- that sucks, but at least it's interesting. Fiona, Shrek- whatever the fuck that even means- but the donkey's name is just, 'Donkey' it's fucking lazy!"
"You're like… really upset about this..."
"Because, Bonnie! It doesn't make sense! It's totally ridiculous! How can a dragon and a donkey make the beast with two backs? And produce offspring?"
"Well, it's weird so most people probably don't actually try to think about it like you are...because, you know...gross,"
"And inter-species breeding isn't even scientifically possible!"
"Did you miss the part where all the little fairytale creatures unionize? In a swamp? With a man who bathes with onions? And uses slug guts to brush his teeth?"
"Shrek is not a man, he's a God."
"You got me there," she says, pelting him with a malt ball.
She aims another at his chest, but he somehow weaves and manages to catch it in his mouth, whatever smoothness is immediately nulled by him promptly choking on it. Good, serves him right. If not for his weird Shrek rant they could be doing other things, like polishing off the rest of the pasta, queuing up the sequel, or kissing each other senseless.
They throw candy back and forth until he gets tired of wasting it. Then he holds up his hands in surrender, but she gets one more well-aimed piece right in his eye. Of course, he promptly catches the treat before it falls and pops it into his mouth, and winks with his abused eye.
Kai gestures for her to scoot towards him and when she gets close enough gathers her up and pulls her flush against his chest. He moves to lie down, bringing her with him, and then they're spooning together on her couch. Occasionally he'll whisper a joke or observation to her, each time he does he ends his talking by kissing her ear softly.
She can feel candy pressing into their skin as she savors the feel of him wrapped around her but cannot be bothered to care. They wind together lazily and melt into each other, along with the wayward malt balls and gummy pieces.
They're tucked together, leftover carbonara, popcorn, and littered candy spread all around them.
"Hey," she says, wiggling her toes sandwiched between him and the sofa cushion. He's been playing with them absently all night and she makes a mental note to add 'Foot freak' to his endless list of weird traits.
"Hey, yourself," Kai replies, holding them still, resisting the urge to ask her which little piggy went to the market.
"This is nice, isn't it?"
"Oh, it's more than nice," he says watching her suck on the jolly rancher in her mouth.
He lets go of her foot and pulls her leg until she's almost flat on her back.
Bonnie cranes her neck up, leaning toward him but the other witch pushes her shoulders and leans over her, bringing his mouth down to hers. He runs his tongue along the seam of her mouth tracing her lips until she gets the hint and yields to him.
This time the kissing is slower.
He takes his time as he explores her mouth, savoring the sticky sweet taste. She tries to use her tongue to push the candy further behind her teeth, but he pursues and pushes his own tongue deeper, ultimately stealing the sweet.
She pulls away to see his nonplussed face and grimaces.
"What's wrong?" He asks it and she can hear the candy clacking around his mouth. His tongue is already turning blue.
"Ew, Kai! Stop it, that's gross!"
"I used to spit in your mouth every other day?" he says, sucking his newly acquired confection, "Candy sharing is where you draw the line?"
"That's different."
"You're right, it's worse."
As he says it, he lifts and moves to tuck her feet back into the blanket they were sharing, "But it's also hotter," he winks before spinning to the kitchen to get more wine and pack another bowl.
"I'd have honestly never guessed you were such a pothead," she says, opening a bag of cheddar caramel corn and tucking into it eagerly.
"It's not me, it's Jo. She harvests all this magical weed on the side and every time she works with a new strain she sends me some. I barely even smoked until she started sending me all these freebies, not that I'm complaining, obviously."
"Three cheers for your generous twin sister,"
"For she's a jolly good sissy, for she's a jolly good sissy," she hears him sing absent-mindedly from the kitchen.
Kai stiffens a little when he returns with the lighter and weed, "She really is, would you uh, would you ever want to meet her? I think you'd get along." She can tell he's nervous and not just because of the way his cheeks tinge rosy and he glances away after he asks it.
When he reaches out to hand her the bowl their fingers graze and she can feel his innermost feelings, how he wants to share more than pain (and weed and half sucked-jolly ranchers) with her.
"I'd like that."
He lets her spark first and she returns the favor by grabbing him by the collar for the second time that day and blowing her smoke into his mouth.
"Me too," he says once again, wedging his knee between her legs.
They stay on her couch making out off and on and arguing about movies and feeding each other for the rest of the night.
This is a turn in their interactions.
Pain, transformation, and catharsis have their place- and so does respite.
She's coming to understand these little interlude moments are more important than they seem. It's not just the consensual pain and space to explore vulnerability that helps heal her, it's these tiny bites of sweetness. These slow little days where they do nothing but watch movies and reheat food. Trying to make this neat and efficient only burned her, she was tired of pretending she only wanted him for 'practice' sessions on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Kai's often told her she needs to be greedy and she's going to let herself, she deserves to indulge. She wants the weekends (and Tuesday and Thursday too). She wants him morning, noon, and night (okay, they probably need some breaks here and there to make sure the violent games stay sexy only).
Maybe she should invite him to the mani/pedi day. She suspects he and Rebekah would hit it off given the opportunity. They're both so blunt and smug and they both (oddly) seem to want the best for her.
A Rebekah/Kai tag team sounds like a nightmare the world is hardly ready for, but it would also be endlessly entertaining, and he could use more friends. Chatty as he is, the dude is a perpetual loner. But back to the present, the future can wait.
Right now, it's just the two of them on her couch. No lies, no pretense, no games.
Just them and their honesty; hanging out like teenagers, wrapped up in the joy of spending time with the person you've always wanted.
The credits roll in the background and neither of them moves to pick another movie.
They're still on the couch, wound even tighter together. Bonnie is the little spoon and her head barely peeks out above the blanket he got for them shortly after they smoked their fourth bowl and ate through the rest of the pasta. Underneath it, their hands have found each other. This time he's stroking her hands, tracing delicate patterns against them.
"Hey, has anyone ever told you that you have really nice palms?"
She makes a face and pulls forward a little to glance up at him, but allows his fingers to keep dancing across her hands, "Somethings not quite right about you..."
"You're just now figuring that out?" Kai bends forward to peck her on the nose and slots himself tighter against her back as he wordlessly uses magic to clean up while she drifts off, too tired to reprimand him for it.
It's so calm and domestic, the first time they've ever tried this, but it feels natural- like they've done it a thousand times before. What matters most, and what fills them up, is that they both know they'll do it a thousand times more.
AN: It's funny that this began as a silly little songfic, I'd have kept the lyrics going, but I used them all with the previous chapters and I didn't want to re-use them or add a new song. I also didn't use the lyrics to guide me the way I did before. Now that this addition has been posted, I am not sure how I feel. I kinda want to add more, but I also like the idea of leaving this open-ended. Initially, I wanted this story to be short, but writing this chapter was pretty fun and I am toying with the idea of where to take it. I am not sure what else there really is to say, though. Maybe some more kinky shit? Idk...
I stayed away from heavier kinks- like needle play, bloodplay, etc because I didn't want to come across as too severe. This is still just a fic so I didn't wanna deep dive into the full spectrum of kink. I also want to be clear because I didn't say this before- what you're seeing here is not reflective of BDSM best practices. Don't look at the scenes I described and take them to mean I am depicting the way scenes should go. This is a fic with tension, and angst, etc- trust and believe actual BDSM isn't quite like this. I worked to make it realistic, including the errors and how those are navigated, but this doesn't give you a guide for how kink should be. (These really do gotta work on their communication.)
This chapter is longer than all previous combined, idk how that happened. Drop me a line, leave a review, I really really appreciate hearing from y'all. Happy Friday