Hard to Pretend

by NALEY23alwaysforever

Erin Voight had been in love with Jay Halstead since they were six years old. [High School Linstead AU]

4. Part 4

CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNING. This chapter has mild references to sexual assault during a scene in which Erin is on a phone call. I've tried my best to make sure the language and descriptions are not too graphic, but some people may still find it triggering. Please read at your own discretion.

A/N: Ahh y'all are the best! I was trying SO hard to get this edited and posted early this morning so it would be updated earlier for you all, but life got in the way :P

This chapter is jam-packed – a lot happens and there's quite a few gaps of information from previous part that I felt the need to fill in, so it's quite a lengthy one too. The temptation to split this and do Part 5 was strong, but you have all waited so patiently and came the frick THROUGH with those reviews that I figured you deserved the whole thing, no more waiting x

I hope you all enjoy this last part – props to quite a few of you that guessed several scenes/details that are in Part 4! Hopefully I do them justice.

Enjoy!

---

Erin had been home for two hours. She had paced her bedroom floor, trying to figure out what to do. When that procured no answers, she went out to the balcony and waited until she could see his headlights on their street.

Time moved slowly and Erin only wandered further and further down the rabbit hole she was creating in her head. Th was not how it was supposed to go. She was going to show up at his doorstep tomorrow morning, coffee in hand and ask him to go for a walk with her. She was going to wait until they were near the park that they used to go to as kids, and they would sit in the grass together and she would say that she had something to tell him; something that she should've told him earlier but was scared to do so because she wanted him to be focused on his exams and his last game instead of concerning himself with Allie's petty, dramatic antics.

She was going to sit there and tell him everything, no matter how long it took, and she would take whatever he threw at her after that. Anger, pain, sadness, anything. She would sit there and let him unload his emotions and then she would apologise profusely and hope to God that Jay would understand why she did what she did.

And now that opportunity was gone. He'd found out in a way she never would've expected him to, and now she just had to sit and wait until he came home and hopefully, they would be able to talk this through. He had to know that this wasn't her plan, that she wouldn't hurt him like this. Jay knew her and he would let her explain.

She just had to wait.

…

Jay didn't know where he was driving to. He just kept his foot on the gas and tried to let the wind in his face smack the thoughts out of his head, the anger out of his heart. But the wind made him think of Erin riding passenger and he can practically hear her grumbling in his ear about how she's choking on her hair. So, he pulls over. He's so mad, his heart feels like it's beating in his ears. Nothing makes sense.

Why would Allie cheat on him? Why would Severide do this? Why would Erin keep all of it from him?

Erin. That's what hurts the most. His best friend, the girl he now realises he's fallen in love with, was lying to his face and letting two people he thought cared about him hurt him all this time. What the hell kind of a best friend does that?

Jay knows he needs answers, and he's not going to find them here. He needs to go home and sleep off what has quickly become such a horrible night. And in the morning, he can figure this all out.

That was the plan.

Until he's parked in his car outside his house and sees the girl who's supposed to be his best friend sitting on his front porch steps. Erin's huddled up on the bottom step, her knees pulled into her chest and her jacket clutched tightly around her. It was nearing 1am, and the windy chill was relentless, Jay thinks she must be freezing out there.

Erin stands when the Mustang's headlights go out and Jay starts to get out of the car. She walks forward, standing on the front lawn as he approaches her. Erin opens her mouth to speak, but Jay shakes his head and holds up one hand to stop her before she can start.

"I'm not in the mood right now, Erin. I just want to go inside and go to bed. You should do the same." Jay says, trying not to look at her face, the tears held in her eyes shining clear.

Erin watches him walk past her towards his front door "I can't, not when we're like this. Can you- can you please just let me explain? I know you're upset but…"

"Upset?" Jay snaps "No, I'm fucking furious – especially with you – which is why I don't want to have this conversation right now!"

"Wait, what is that supposed to mean? Why 'especially me'?" Erin asks confused.

"Just … just leave it be, Erin. I'll see you in the morning."

"No. I get that you're upset, or as you said, furious. But you don't get to say shit like that and then just expect me not to defend myself!"

"Defend yourself? What is there to defend!?" Jay stops trying to unlock his door, turning and stomping back towards Erin "You're my best friend, and you've been lying to me for weeks! For what?"

"It's not that simple, Jay! You have no idea what was happening, okay? Just let me-"

"No, not okay! You're my best friend! You're supposed to be the one person that I can trust to tell me everything, no matter how hard or painful it might be. What reason could possibly be good enough to do something so damn selfish?"

"That's not fair." Erin whispers, blinking away her tears.

"You hurt me, none of this is fair." Jay scoffs "You're the person that I have always, unequivocally, trusted. How can I do that now? How am I supposed to trust anything you've ever told me?"

"Are you being serious right now!?" Erin exclaims "I have never once given you reason to doubt me before this, to not believe something that I've said. I've been honest with you even when you don't hear the truth in my words. Everything that I did was to keep youhappy, to help secure your future. You want to call someone out for not being a good friend, look in the damn mirror!"

Her outburst takes him by surprise. When did this become his fault?

"Uh, last time I checked I wasn't the one lying to my best friend for the last two weeks!?"

"No, you're just the one who let their best friend be constantly criticized by his girlfriend, made fun of by his teammates, and have rumours spread around the school by his so-called friends." Erin scoffs "Do you have any idea how many times I've had to bite my tongue around the people in your life, Jay? Do you know the kind of things they've said about me, the kids of things Allie says to me? No one cares that we're best friends, they just see a nobody trying to sleep her way into being considered a somebody."

"They … no one's ever said anything bad in front of me." Jay stutters.

Erin shakes her head, unsurprised by his response "Jay, how many times have I been able to tell something was wrong with you just from the look on your face? Or the song you choose to play in the car? I know you well enough to know when something's bothering you, and to know when you're lying to me. I thought you knew me the same. Do you really think that I would've said something about it while you're telling me how happy you are playing soccer, and how much you love your teammates, or how great your date went with Allie that weekend? I've never been the type of person to make you feel bad for doing something you love, and I knew telling you would do exactly that."

"Well, why have you never said anything to me before? Why are you only bringing it up now?"

"Are you serious right now? God, you keep preaching about trust and loyalty, about being best friends and telling each other everything. But you don't trust me enough to give me the benefit of the doubt. You don't believe what I'm telling you right now!"

I tell you your friends, your own girlfriend, have spent years belittling me because they didn't want me to 'forget my place' in that godforsaken school – and your response is that you didn't see or hear anything yourself, so I must be lying right?"

"I'm standing here telling you that your so-called friends, your own girlfriend, spent years belittling me because they didn't like me for one reason or another. But you find out that I knew about Allie cheating on you with Severide, and now everything that I say is questionable? Is that it? instead of letting me explain myself, you tell me that I should've trusted you with the truth, that apparently now my word isn't worth anything because you think I was lying to you because, what? I just felt like it? Do you really think I'm selfish? If we're such best friends, then why won't you let me explain!?"

"Because I'm too fucking mad to hear anything you have to say right now! Because you should've told me as soon as you knew! I spent the last hour driving around aimlessly trying to justify this, trying to figure out why you would keep this from me. But I just don't think there's a good enough reason in the world right now that I could think of for you to do this to me."

Anger bubbles up inside of Erin. Years of deep-seated frustration, resentment and hidden feelings was being unearthed all at once. Sadness hit her heart over how quickly this whole situation was unravelling. There were so many emotions pushing against her right now.

But anger? Yeah, anger was winning the war right now. The boy she cares for more than anyone is standing in front of her questioning her intentions? It felt like everything they had been through suddenly meant nothing – had it ever meant anything to him at all? He wouldn't be standing here talking to her like this, refusing to listen to her, if it had.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me." She growled "Everything that I did, everything that I have ever done, was for your benefit. Was to keep you happy because I love you! How can you not see that? How can you not trust in that!?"

"I know you love me, Erin but-" Jay's heart sinks at the emptiness of her laughter cutting him off. It sounds hollow, unlike her.

"No, Jay. I love you, like six-year-old me had a huge crush on six-year-old you after you kissed me, simply because Jake kisses Samantha in Sixteen Candles. Like that crush turned into something else along the years and resulted in me spending my entire adolescence figuring out how the hell I could possibly get over being in love with my best friend because he clearly wanted someone else. Like, no matter how hard I've tried to fight it I can't; I'm in love with you.

She looks at him, resigned. It's out there now. And she's tired. She's tired of doing this. Of trying to defend herself because talking to him right now is like beating her fist against a brick wall and waiting for it to crumble.

"You love me?" Her words strike through his heart. The haze of anger starts to dissipate, the only thought prevailing in his head constructed of three simple words: 'Erin loves me'.

"So much that I would rather sit and suffer in silence than ruin everything for you." Erin says, her voice softer; she has no more fight in her to give.

"Er …" Jay takes a step towards her, but she steps back and puts her hands up to keep the distance between them.

The tears finally fall down her face. She can't ignore what's in front of her anymore; no matter what Jay might feel in return, he doesn't trust her the way she always thought he did. This isn't the friendship that Erin believed it was."

"Allie has a copy of the tape from that night. Of you and Charlie." Erin coughs, trying to clear her waterlogged throat "I didn't do this for whatever selfish motivation you seem to think is driving me. I did it because I knew that she could ruin your entire future with that, and I love you too much to let that one moment define the rest of your life. That's how much of a best friend I am. And It's disappointing now – because I don't think I can say the same for you anymore."

Shame, regret, and shock are the first emotions that hit Jay in that moment. He doesn't know how to process this, but he can see it in Erin's eyes that what she is saying is the truth. Deep down, he knows that everything she's told him tonight is the truth. But it's hard to admit – to take accountability for how crappy he's been as her friend.

"Erin, I-"

"No. Don't." Erin lets out a shaky breath, "I-I know I hurt you, Jay. I'm not saying that what I did was right, and every moment that I kept it from you ate at me. I hated doing it, and I am sorry that you got hurt. That I contributed to that hurt. But you … you didn't care enough to give me the benefit of the doubt. You're right, we were best friends; you should've known me better than that. It doesn't make what I did right, but you should've known that I wouldn't have done this without a damn good reason."

His mind is stuck on that one sentence, 'we were best friends'.

"Were?" Jay asks apprehensively.

"Clearly this isn't the relationship either of us thought it was." Erin shrugs, slowly stepping back "Maybe it's better we just … let it go."

"Erin." Jay calls "Wait."

"I'm done waiting Jay." Erin says, turning and walking over to her house.

And once more, Jay doesn't stop her.

---

The pain Allie feels in her back when she wakes up is a close second to the painful pounding coursing through her head. The top half of her body is slumped off her bed, her hair touching the floor and her nose touching the edge of her wooden bed frame. Her body is twisted in the most uncomfortable way possible and the pressure on her stomach has her squirming out of her bed and face first into her toilet before she pukes all over her carpet.

Her entire world is spinning, she can't steady herself. it's decided; she's never drinking again. Her back is stiff but slowly easing up, her stomach feels a bit better now that she's emptied most of its contents, but the pounding in her head only grows. It feels louder and more persistent, and it takes a moment for her to focus through the disorientation of her thoughts to realise that the pounding is coming from her front door. Who the hell is knocking so damn early?

Allie washes her mouth out, splashing some water on her face and making sure she didn't get any vomit on her boyshort undies or oversized tank-top before she slowly and carefully makes her way down the stairs of her house. The knocking continues, and she's both grateful that her parents aren't here being grumpily woken up by the noise, and annoyed that they aren't here to answer the door for her. She finally reaches the door and Allie squints when the bright light of the sun smacks her in the face. God, it feels like it's burning her eyes.

"Ugh." She groans, eyes shut and leaning against the door frame "Yeah, can I help you?"

"Here's your shit." The box dropping at her feet startles her, and Allie opens her eyes to see Jay's hard eyes.

"Jay, what are you …" the events of last night hit her like a freight train "Oh God."

"You can give me whatever I've left behind on Monday, after that I don't want to see or talk to you again." Jay declares and starts walking back to his car.

"Jay, it's not what you think!" Allie scrambles after him, trying to breathe through her nauseousness.

Jay scoffs "You know, I'm getting really sick and tired of people saying that to me. I don't care what excuses you have, Allie. I'm done. I'm so fucking done."

His lack of emotion irritates her. Usually when they argue it's all heat and frustration and yelling. His silence irks her in a way that she can't figure out. She can't figure him out.

"I just don't get it," Jay continues "I was a good boyfriend, Allie. Apparently, I've screwed up as a best friend, but I know damn well that I was a good boyfriend. I did everything I could to make you happy, even when it damaged other relationships in my life."

"You are a good boyfriend, Jay. I just … I was so lonely." Allie says softly "You spend so much time with Erin, and I-"

"Oh, come off it! You and I both know that whatever this is about, Erin was not the main issue! She's known about this for two weeks, but it's been going on a lot longer than that hasn't it?"

Allie ignores his question. This is Erin's fault, not hers. It's not her fault. It can't be her fault.

"It doesn't matter. He doesn't mean anything to me, Jay."

"No, but you mean something to him. I could see it last night. honestly, I can't believe I didn't see it before." Jay chuckles "I mean, the way he came to your defence when we were arguing, the way he would brush up against you or squeeze your arm? I should've known."

"I don't want him, Jay. I want you." Allie insists.

"You don't want me. You like the idea of me, the way I fit into your life and your parents' dreams for you with me." Jay breathes "Allie, I cared for you. Truly. But none of this was real. And you decided it was easier to just have your cake and eat it too, then be honest with me and say you wanted out."

"I'm not the only one of us who lied here, Jay! You don't think Isee the way you are with her? The number of times I've been looking at you, and you were watching her!? You're really going to stand here and tell me they were all just you being her best friend?"

"You're right. There are feelings that I have for Erin that are more than friendship. And I may have screwed that up forever now … but I didn't realise that my feelings were what they are until last night. Maybe I've always felt them, but I pushed them down because I was with you and I didn't think she wanted me. And that doesn't make it right, but I ended our relationship as soon as I accepted that I had feelings for her."

"You really expect me to believe that?" Allie scoffs.

Jay shrugs "Believe whatever you want Allie, I really don't care anymore."

"You're really just going to walk away from me? From us? We've been together since we were fifteen, Jay."

Allie's grasping at straws, she knows that, but she can't let him go this easily. It'll ruin everything.

"We've broken up like five times in that time, Allie. This is par for the course if you think about it; only difference is this time, I won't be coming back."

"Jay, come on, this is ridiculous! It was one little mistake; we can work through it!" Allie pleads.

"But it wasn't just one little mistake, was it? No, everything you did was calculated." Jay states "You cheated on me, with one of my closest friends! And what's worse is, I know that Kelly is a good guy and that's what makes this hurt even more. Because I may hate him right now, but at least I can see how remorseful he is. But you don't care about the fact that you hurt me, the fact you hurt him, not to mention you tried to bully Erin into staying silent."

"Oh please, Erin's always been jealous of me, because I have you! That bitch has always-"

"No!" the fire in Jay's eyes scares her silent "No, we're not doing this! I don't know exactly what the hell was going on, but you've always had a problem with her. And I ignored it because Erin never said anything about it, and that was wrong of me. Maybe some part of me just didn't want to acknowledge it because it meant having to look at my own feelings for her, I don't know. But I should've been better, for her. I'm not making that mistake again, you keep her name out of your mouth Allie; whatever issues you have with her is because of me. You want to direct your anger towards someone, then be angry with me. But she didn't do anything wrong."

"She lied to you, just like I did. Yet you're here defending her." Allie whines, crossing her arms over chest in such a petulant manner and Jay fights hard not to roll his eyes at her.

She always acted like such a child when they argued, and he let it go; apologised and placated her because he didn't want to upset his girlfriend. But now he's seeing that doing so opened himself up to be manipulated and to blind himself to the problems that she was creating for Erin.

"She kept something from me, yeah. But she did it because you threatened her. Did you really keep a copy of that tape?"

"Jay …"

"How could you!? You promised me! You told me that you deleted it, that every possible piece of that night was gone. You told me that you would help protect me, but really you were just protecting yourself? Keeping leverage handy for when you needed it. Who the fuck was I dating this whole time? Because this isn't the Allie that I fell for when I was fifteen, I don't even know who you are anymore."

And his words finally seem to resonate somewhere deep inside her soul, finally push her to the breaking point. She can feel every ounce of anger and grief that she's pushed down, forcing its way out and snapping her.

"Because I'm not that same girl! You have no idea what it's been like for me!" Allie cries "Do you know how much pressure I'm under!? Do you know what it's like to have to carry all these responsibilities on my shoulders? The expectations that are set out for me, that my parents have for me and you. I already lost my brother Jay, and now you're walking out on me? You can't, I'm not letting this happen. I'm not losing you."

"You lost me a long time ago, Allie." Jay sighs.

"That's not true."

"Yes, it is. You and I were never going to work, Allie. Partly because my feelings for Erin would've surfaced sooner or later. But mostly because I never fit into your world. Not in the way you need me to. I think we both let your grief pressure us into this relationship for much longer than we should have, and that's on me as well. But losing someone doesn't give you the right to manipulate people's lives like this. To be so focused on your own personal gain, that you hurt anyone that cares about you in the process. Look at Severide, Allie. That boy fell so deeply for you, and last night you crushed his heart. You told him he meant nothing; I saw the look on his face when you did. It's one that Erin's had on her face before, too. And I finally realise now how much I hurt her, which is why I know just how badly you hurt him. And you don't really seem to care."

"Kelly knew what this was when it started." Allie shrugs, trying to ignore what he's saying.

"That doesn't make it okay."

Jay watches her, waiting to see if she realises just how much damage she's caused. She doesn't. And he doesn't want to get any further into this. Allie's too stubborn and blinded by her own grief to see the consequences of her actions. So, he starts his car and tells her;
"We're done, Allie. I hope that you find what you need, that you can heal. But you've hurt so many people, and so did I; I'm not doing it anymore. Goodbye."

---

Three days pass. Erin tells her mum she's feeling sick, and Camille sceptically agrees to let her miss school today. She didn't leave her house over that weekend, barely leaves her room. She doesn't want to talk to Jay, and she doesn't really care right now if Jay wants to talk to her. He's sorry. She knows he is, but the things he said were so hurtful; the assumptions he made about her still had her reeling. How could he think those things about her? She understood feeling hurt, betrayed even, because she did keep something from him. And no matter how good of a reason she had for doing so, it was always going to hurt him if he found out. That was a risk she took. But to call into question her loyalty, to question if he could trust her anymore or trust her before that – that broke her heart on a completely different level. It fractured their friendship in a way she doesn't know if they will heal from.

Her mum checks in on her every hour and she tells her that she's fine, just tired after finishing exam week. Her Dad pops his head in every morning and asks her if she wants to come and hang out with him at the station; she offers him a half-hearted 'raincheck?' and begrudgingly, he takes it. Justin occasionally comes in and lays on her bed, complaining about how she's been under those covers for hours and he's bored – She tells him to go away and annoy someone else. She doesn't want to be around anyone right now; she wants to wallow and mourn what feels like the loss of her best friend for the rest of her life, but everyone keeps bugging her and it's starting to piss her off. There's a knock on the door and she groans as she sees the time, assumedly knowing who is on the other side of her door.

"I'm fine, mama. I just … I told you have a headache. I'm taking a nap."

"Really? Because it sounds like you're talking to me through the door." Erin freezes when she hears Katherine's voice.

The door opens and the older woman's head pops in, all bright grins and fiery, frizzy red hair. Erin cracks a smile at her appearance; Katherine Halstead had this way of looking graceful even when she was a complete mess. Her hair is poorly tied in a floppy bun, she's wearing a headband to keep the short layers of her hair out of her face, her favourite white Lacoste sneakers are on her feet despite the various holes that show her bright green socks with silver stars on them, and her orange short-sleeve top peeks out from under her overalls and showcases the various stains that have littered the worn-out material over the years because her overalls have a button missing on the front preventing the strap on the right side from being done up but she isn't bothered to fix it and simply says it 'gives the clothing character' every time her husband complains about it.

But Katherine in her wild, messy state is Erin's favourite. It feels the most comforting to her because it's Katherine in her truest nature and she loves that most about the woman she considers her other mother.

"Hi kiddo, heard you've been in kind of a funk."

Erin rolls her eyes, sitting up in bed so there's space for the other woman to sit by her legs "Mum's being paranoid. I'm fine."

"Normally I would take your word for it but considering my son has been sitting on the couch the better half of the last two days with a sour face, I'm not buying it."

Erin focuses on her hands in her lap, trying not to let the woman's stare intimidate her "It's nothing, Mama H. We'll figure it out."

"And how do you expect to do when the two of you are both holed up in the house?"

Erin shrugs and Katherine makes an exasperated noise, her fingers under Erin's chin lifting her face to look at her "You two are best friends, sweetheart. I don't want you to lose that because you're both too stubborn to talk to each other."

"I think we already did," and suddenly Erin's bursting into tears, Katherine pulling the young girl into her arm as she cries.

"I'm sure that's not the case. It was just a silly fight, right?"

"No. This was different. I-I don't know what to do anymore."

"First, you're going to take a deep breath. In, out. Again." Katherine demonstrates and waits for Erin to follow her "And then, you're going to sit here and tell us what happened, and we'll figure it out together."

"Us?"

Camille walks into the room, a guilty look on her face as Erin realises her mother was outside waiting for her best friend to get her daughter to open up to her. Erin glared at her mother as she walked into the room and sat down on the other side of the bed.

"That was a dirty trick." She mumbles.

"It worked though." Camille smirks and Erin smiles half-heartedly.

"We had fight. Allie was cheating on Jay, I found out and I kept it from him. But it was to protect him. Allie … she knew something that could jeopardise Jay's chances at a scholarship. He found out anyways and he was really mad, and he said some really hurtful things. We both said so many things."

"Wow. Well, he said they broke up but I didn't realise it was that bad." Kathleen says.

"I don't understand, sweetie. What could be so bad that you would keep that a secret from him?" Camille asks.

"That, uhh, that's not really my place to say." Erin says hesitantly "Jay's a part of this story too, and as angry as I am with him, I won't betray his trust like that."

"Erin, if it's something bad then we need to know." Katherine insists.

"It's really not an issue anymore, I promise. And uh, Dad kind of already knows what happened for the most part."

"What?" Camille snaps "Your father knows, and he didn't tell us?"

"We asked him not to. Jay and me. Dad was … he was helping us help someone else, and I can't tell you more than that because it's not my place. You know him; he wouldn't have kept quiet if he thought that doing so would put us in any kind of danger or trouble."

The two mothers share a look, Erin can tell they're having some kind of silent conversation, but she has no idea what they're saying.

"Okay, we won't push; but I will be asking Jay about it, and letting Pat know." Katherine says.

"And I will definitely be having a conversation with your father about this." Camille huffs.

Erin grimaces. She knows that whatever her Dad's got coming his way is not going to be pleasant.

"It really isn't his fault, Mum. It could've been much worse, you know, if we hadn't have called him. He agreed to keep it between us because it was safer that way, and because he knew we did the right thing calling him even if it meant we risked getting into trouble with all of you. Just, go easy on him, okay?"

"It doesn't matter right now, the focus here is you and Jay." Camille says with a shake of her head "I think you should talk to him. Give him a chance to straighten things out."

"He doesn't think I'm worth trusting anymore, what exactly is there to straighten out?"

"I'm sure he didn't mean it like that, love. You were fighting, emotions were running high; people say things in the heat of the moment all the time. Lord knows your father and I have had our fair share of those."

"Us too." Katherine agrees.

"It doesn't matter." Erin says stubbornly "He hurt me, and I know that I hurt him too but he wouldn't even give me the chance to talk to him. He assumed that I was in the wrong before I had the chance to say anything."

"Erin, you two have been best friends for too long …" Camille begins but Erin stops her mother before she can push anymore.

"He called me selfish," She whispers unsteady "I waited outside the door for two hours just to talk to him, to apologise for hurting him, and the first thing he said was that he was the maddest at me in all of this. And then he called me selfish for hiding the truth for him. I tried so hard to protect him, to make sure he was happy and that his future was secure, even though it hurt me to do so. It's always me that ends up hurt."

"Erin, sweetie, I'm not trying to put the blame on you when I say this, but why did you do it?"

"What was I supposed to do!?" Erin exclaims "You don't get it, you don't understand! What she has could have taken away every scholarship opportunity he was chasing. It could have turned every single scout away. I wasn't going to risk that just so that Allie might finally get what she deserves."

"I understand that part, Erin. I do. What I don't understand is why you didn't ask us, or someone else for help. You said you told some of your friends, right?"

"Greg. And Nadia."

"Right, so you told some people what was going on. I'm sure they offered to help somehow, right?" Erin nods in response "So, why didn't you let them help you? Or at least try to."

"It wasn't their burden to bear. I wasn't going to risk making Allie angry, who knows what she would've done?"

"That's exactly the point, I think, that Kathy's trying to make." Camille gently interjects "We understand why you agreed to what that girl was threatening you to do. But you had opportunities for help from people, but you didn't because you were afraid of her. Why do give her so much power over you Erin?"

Erin frowns "I didn't give her any power."

"Didn't you though?" Camille asks, "Because you've changed a lot in the few years that she's been in your lives, and I didn't really make a connection with it until now but it seems like she's the reason why you changed so much."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Katherine holds Erin's hand firmly, pulling the young girl's attention to her "It's like, one day you just changed. You stopped being that whip-smart, witty, sarcastic girl we love. Sure, she shined through in rare moments – like you forget all your troubles and allowed yourself to just be for a few minutes. But somewhere along the way, you've shrunk yourself down to fit into a box that other people made for you, and I just wish you could see the girl I see. That all of us see because she's still inside of you; I know she is. And she's worthy of being set free; you deserve freedom, Erin. From all of this, from all of them. Stop letting them define you."

"… It's easier said than done." Erin weeps.

"I know it is, angel." Camille pulls her daughter into her chest "I know."

"It just hurts, mama. It all hurts." Erin cries against Camille's shirt "And he hurt me too. He's my best friend, and he hurt me the most. And I don't even think he realises just how much."

"He does, honey-bunny." Katherine pushes Erin's hair away from her face so she can see the young girl, her eyes shining familiarly at the old nickname Katherine used to call her by.

She looks at Erin and sees the little six-year-old she once knew, blushing in front of her mothers after her best friend kissed her. She still reminds Katherine of that sweet, young, innocent little girl and all the older women want right now is to protect her heart from any more pain. Even though they both know it's inevitable.

"He knows he hurt you, and I know he regrets it deeply. No one ever wants to hurt the person who loves them."

Erin sits up slightly, looking between Camille and Katherine in surprise. The two mothers smile knowingly at her, and Erin feels the wind knocked out of her.

"H-how did you know?" She stutters. This is all a lot to handle right now and she's still reeling.

Katherine smirks "Please, I've known you your whole life, bunny. I watched you shoot out of your mot-"

"Okay, I get it! Moving on." Erin groans as the women both laugh, and Camille reaches forward to wipe her daughter's wet cheeks.

"My point is, I've always known. You've had your heart set on that boy for as long as I can remember. It was impossible not to see it; we knew very early on, but you fathers figure it out rather quickly as well."

"I think even Justin and Will have caught on by now." Camille jokes.

"It's funny. It was impossible for everyone not to figure it out, except for the one person who I really needed to know it." Erin sighs.

"Oh sweetheart, soon enough you'll grow up and learn what Cami and I have known for a long, long, time. Men are stupid." Erin giggles at her succinct logic "I spent six months trying to hint to Patrick that I wanted him to propose to me. One night I got so mad I threw a pan at him."

Erin's eyes nearly pop out of her head "You did what?"

Katherine chuckles "Oh yeah, I mean I didn't hit him of course. I remember he looked at me in completely shock and said, 'What the hell? Are you trying to kill me, woman?' and I stomped right up to him and told him that if he didn't ask me to marry him soon enough, I just might."

"I can't believe he still wanted to marry you." Erin snorts.

"We had been dating for years, it took him far too long as it was." Katherine narrows her eyes at Erin "My point is, occasionally men need to be hit over the head with things. Sometimes frypans, but mostly love. They don't always take the hint; so, you've got to be willing to bite the bullet and put your heart out there first."

"But … what if it doesn't work out?" Erin whispers.

Camille smiles, "What if it does?"

---

Friday rolls around painfully slow. It's been the slowest week of their lives; Erin avoids Jay and Jay avoids Allie and Severide. He spends a lot of time sitting with his teammates, which annoys Erin more than anything because she's told him how much they badger her, and he'd rather sit with them then apologise to her. But they're both wilful and she's not going to be the first to break either, especially now.

Their free period is spent apart. Erin camps out in the library while Jay sits in the courtyard trying to read the required chapters of his text for English class this afternoon. He rereads the same page too many times, the words aren't absorbing because he's too distracted. His thoughts are everywhere else. He's been trying to hang around his teammates as much as possible these days, trying to eavesdrop of conversations and deduce any comments about his best friend, no matter how small or subtle. He wants to hear it himself, see it with his own eyes, because he's realising, he's been doing a crap job at protecting her and while he's still pissed off, he also feels remorse for the way they're conversation went and the fact that Erin now thinks Jay doesn't believe her. Of course, he believes her. But he wants to catch his teammates in the act and read them the riot act. He needs to correct this.

"Hey dude, haven't seen you around lately." Jay looks up from his book to see Greg, Nadia, Kim and Adam standing before him.

"Hey, uh yeah, I've just been hanging with the team. Everyone's still celebrating the win, you know how it is."

Nadia shakes her head "Of course." she mutters.

"Excuse me?" Jay asks.

Mouse rubs his girlfriend's arm as she stands tucked into his side, silently begging her not to start anything "Nothing."

"No, not nothing." Nadia shrugs his arm off her "You're seriously still hanging out with those assholes; despite everything they say about Erin? I know she told you."

Jay sets his book on the table, focusing solely on the girl staring him down "What do you know about that? Have you heard them say things?"

"You haven't?" Mouse asks.

"No, I … I wouldn't have let them if I knew."

"Because Erin didn't want you to have to pick between the game you love and your best friend." Nadia sighs "She knew if you found out about the things they say behind her back, hell even to her face; she knew you'd snap."

"She should've told me." Jay says angrily.

"What good would that have done, Jay?" Mouse sits down across from him, Nadia next to him while the other couple stand behind "You would've quit the team or you would've done something that got you kicked off the team. You're protective over her, we all know it, and so do they. Why do you think you've never heard them say anything? They're probably very careful about who they say it in front of."

"But they've said things in front of you two. Why didn't you tell me anything?" Jay's eyes flit between Greg and Adam, turning to look at the Kim and Nadia "Why didn't you make Erin tell me?"

"It wasn't our place, Jay." Kim says softly.

Nadia nods "She kept insisting she could handle it. That she could take whatever they dished out, because she loved seeing how happy you were when you play."

"Look, I tried to be a buffer between her and Allie as much I could. But Allie's relentless; I honestly have no idea why she's so malicious when it comes to Erin. I mean, I get she's threatened by her because of her importance in your life, but she just … she takes every opportunity to talk Erin down. And she says it in this way that sounds so nice until you really hear the words she's saying. She made every little dig at Erin possible, she tried to break her down – to ruin her self-esteem and her belief in herself. I'm proud that she stayed that strong, that she didn't let Allie get under her skin as deeply as she could have; but she shouldn't have to endure any of that." Kim adds.

"We've heard them call her a doormat, say she's lying about being a virgin because she's just a place keeper for whenever you and Allie 'take a break'. We told them off when we heard, but I don't think it's that effective. They just think we're defending Erin because our girlfriends are her only friends in this place." Adam shrugs.

"She should've told me." Jay repeats.

Mouse groans, growing annoyed with his friend's lack of understanding, "You're focusing on the wrong thing here, Jay. Whether or not she should have told you is irrelevant now. She didn't, but it was for good reasons. It was to make you happy because she cares that deeply for you."

"She, uh, she loves me. She said she's in love with me."

Kim smiles "Well duh, we could've told you that." The group all nod in agreement.

"… I love her too. That's why I broke up with Allie. Our conversation made me realise, she's always been there for me, she cares more than anyone I've ever met. I want to be with her."

"Have you told her that?"

Jay shakes his head "She won't talk to me. And as much as I know I love her, I'm still so mad at her."

"Being angry doesn't get you anywhere, Jay. She knows that she made mistakes too, but until one of you is willing to take the first step you're going to continue growing apart." Nadia says.

"She kept things from you, but it was to protect you. Can you honestly tell me you wouldn't have done the same thing in her position? If you were her, if Allie was threatening you with what she had, would you have taken that risk?"

Jay sits silently, letting Kim's words absorb. If he really thinks about it, he can understand why she didn't tell him about Allie. But every time he thinks about it, he remembers the words he said to her as they sat on the balcony just a few days before everything went to shit.

"Promise me something? Don't keep things from me anymore. I'm your best friend, I'm supposed to help you. You gotta let me help you, okay?"

His emotions were intense and varied, his heart at war with his head resulting in Jay acting irrationally and refusing to see reason. But when he sits down and looks at the bigger picture, he knows that Erin had the best intentions when she did all this. Deep down he's always known it was done out of love, and he proceeded to call her selfish and a liar anyways.

Jay rakes his hands through his hair, resting his arms on the table as he holds his head in his hands.

"I would have done the same thing she did." He finally answers "God, this is such a mess. How did we let it get to this?"

"Because you're both as defensive as each other, and when your walls are up there's no talking you down." Adam chuckles "Look, you two love each other man. That should be a good thing! So, talk to her and apologise and tell her you fricking love her so we can all move on with our lives."

"Adam, be nice." Kim says slapping his chest "But, he's kind of got a point. She's too hurt right now. She's facing all these emotions that she's suppressed for years. You're going to have to go to her first."

"I will. But first you're going to sit here and tell me what people have been saying about her, what Allie did to her. Every. little. thing."

---

"It's been a week-and-a-half. I think this is the longest they've gone without speaking to one another." Hank sighs and sits down next to his wife at the table.

"I don't what else to do. We spoke with her, but she's really upset." Katherine says "Jay's tried to talk to her a couple times, but she's just not ready."

Pat takes a sip of his coffee, looking out the kitchen window at Erin sitting on the patio furniture on the deck in the Voight house's backyard. She's bundled up in a blanket and he can see her fuzzy socks pocking out, there's something in her hand but he can't quite discern it. Whatever it is, it seems to have her attention well enough because he hasn't seen her move even an inch in the half an hour that the four adults have been sitting at the table over afternoon tea.

"Maybe there's nothing else for us to do," He shrugs "Maybe we just have to let them be."

"That's ridiculous, we can't just let them stay like this. They're best friends, they're family, they're in love with each other for crying out loud!" Camille exclaims "I'm not just going to sit here and keep my fingers crossed that they one day decide to make up."

"You may not have a choice in the matter, Cam. They're both hurt, they need time to heal before they can hope to work it out. Look, I hope it doesn't last forever. I would hate to think that they could lose the next few years of friendship over one argument, but maybe that's what is meant to happen for them to be able to come back together, stronger."

"I don't like it either, this can't be what's meant for them." Katherine looks up at her husband "She's right, Pat, they're best friends. They're family. They need each other, whether or not they want to admit it."

"You know, we should probably stop saying they're family in reference to them being in love with each other." Hank mumbles against his coffee cup "It's weird."

"Oh hush, Henry. You know it's not like that." Camille scolds her husband, slapping his shoulder and making his coffee shake against the cup and threaten to spill over his hand.

"Cami, geez!" Hank grumbles "Watch it would you."

"It's different for them and you know it, it's never been like it is for the four of us. For Justin and Will. Their bond has always been different, it's special. Whether or not they end up together remains to be seen, but they were never going to be family in the way that we are. But I'll be damned if they just separate from each other's lives."

"You can't force them to talk, Camille. As much as I hate to agree with them, they have a point. If we push too hard, we might just do more harm than good." Katherine sighs.

"Well lucky for us, they can't skip out on this weekend. They know the rules." Camille says and the smile on her face growing bigger when she sees the lightbulb go off in her husband and friends' heads.

Katherine chuckles softly "Oh, you're good."

…

Meanwhile, Erin stares at the phone number sitting on the screen of her phone. She can't determine if this is a good idea, or if she's just opening herself up to more pain. It's been well over a year since they last spoke, the letter came four months ago, and she never responded; he probably didn't want to hear from her anymore anyways.

Charlie Pugliese was a part of her past that she had trouble reconciling. She had done her best to forget about him, but Allie's manipulation had brought him and their history back to the forefront of her mind.

'Hi, I'm Erin. Lindsay. Erin Lindsay. Uh, I'm the tutor from Chicago Prep. I mean, you probably already knew that. You wouldn't be here otherwise.'

The boy just stares, one eyebrow raised as he studies her. His long wavy hair blocks her from seeing his face clearly and Erin can't tell what he might be thinking or feeling right now.

'You talk. A lot.' He crosses his arms over his chest.

Erin awkwardly looks down at the table 'Oh. Sorry.'

'I didn't say it was a bad thing. Just making a point.' The boy states, reaching out his hand 'I'm Charles Pugliese. You can call me Charlie.'

Erin smiles politely and shakes the boy's hand 'It's nice to meet you, Charlie. Now, shall we get started?'

Charlie shrugs, his worn-out leather jacket scratching against the chair as he does.
'I guess. I gotta warn you, I suck at this. Algebra ain't my shit.'

'Well, lucky for you I am an Algebra whiz. I'll have you mastering Quadratic Equations before you know it.' Erin says.

Charlie fights a smile, watching Erin excitedly pull out her books and laminated notes.

'You're kinda weird,' he says, 'Lucky for you, I like weird.'

Charlie had grown up in a house on the wrong side of Chicago with an addict for a mother and a no-show father. His mum used to sell drugs out of their house for her creepy boyfriend, Scotty, and when she passed away Charlie was left to deal with the 'debt' she had racked up with him.

When Erin first met Charlie through a tutoring program that paired students from private schools like Chicago Prep with students in the public school system who were struggling to maintain their grades and were at risk of dropping out or having to repeat the school year. She'd bonded with Charlie more and more every week, and eventually they started to hang out after school. They talked about everything; Erin told Charlie all about Jay, her feelings for him, the way his friends treated her and the bullying she endured at Allie's hands. And Charlie let Erin into his life in return; he told her all about his shitty childhood and the mess his mum had left him to clean up. When he showed up at Erin's house one night after Scotty had injected him with something, to 'test that it was legit', Erin decided she couldn't watch her friend suffer anymore. He deserved a better life.

She was supposed to help him get out. That was the plan. Hank had helped backtrack documentation for Charlie as a Confidential Informant, and his team would help orchestrate a sting to arrest Scotty and his men and hopefully grow one step closer to dismantling the Narcotics Network that seemed to be rapidly spreading in Chicago. But the night he had shown up at Allie's house had changed everything.

Maybe this was a bad idea after all.

But the words calling out to her, and for some crazy reason Erin wants to believe in them. To believe that Charlie's changed. Maybe it's because she's mad that Jay didn't give her the benefit of the doubt – that she now feels the need to give the boy, who was once someone considered a good friend, the benefit of the doubt like she had wanted. And before she can question herself anymore, she hits 'call'.

"Hello? Uh, yes … Extension 459 please. Erin Lindsay."

The line goes quiet, a faint static noise in her ear as she waits for the call to connect."

"Hello. Erin?"

She inhales sharply. His voice triggered her memories more than she was expecting it to.

"Hi Charlie."

"Hi. Wow. I-I didn't think you'd call."

"Neither did I, honestly."

"I, uh … I don't know what to say now. How are you?"

"As well as I can be, I guess." She pauses "Um, how are you?"

"I'm better. Eight months sober."

"Eight months?"

"Yeah, I've been in the centre this whole time but … let's just say it's kind of hard to go into recovery when you're on pain medication."

"I'm sorry."

"Eh, it's not your fault." Charlie sighs "And, how's Jay? Finally fess up and tell him you're insanely in love with him?"

Erin bristles at the mention of Jay. Truthfully, she has no idea how he's doing. They haven't spoken, she's not seen him at home, she avoids him as best she can at school, her Dad drops her off in the mornings and she takes the bus home in the afternoon. They're living separate lives at the moment; they're both hurting and miserable and too stubborn to be the first to break.

She must've been silent for too long because Charlie continues talking,
"Sorry, I shouldn't have asked. I didn't mean to overstep."

"No, it's fine. Jay's fine."

"And from that lack of response, I'm guessing you're still willingly putting yourself in the friendship zone?"

"It's … complicated. Uh, his team just won the championship though; they're riding a bit of a wave of attention at school, I guess. Bigger than normal, at least."

Technically, it's the truth. Everyone at school seems to be treating the soccer team with more privilege than they already did. Whether or not Jay's enjoying it, she has no idea. From the few times she's really seen him, the look on his face seems to suggest he isn't.

"Wow, that's awesome, he deserves it. Tell him I said congrats. Or maybe don't actually." Charlie laughs "I doubt he's happy you're even calling me right now."

"I didn't tell him."

"That makes sense."

"He just wouldn't understand." Erin adds.

"And what exactly is there to understand?" Charlie asks.

"I … I don't know." Erin sighs "I just wanted to hear that you were alright, I guess."

"Why? You should hate me, Erin. I hate me." Charlie says

"You weren't in your right mind, Charlie."

"It doesn't change the fact that I could've raped you that night. And if you had managed to get me to stop … who knows how I could've reacted to that. I might have hurt you. I've hurt people before."

"They were bad guys. And you didn't hurt me, okay. Yeah, you scared the hell out of me, but you didn't hurt me. You were handsy, and you didn't listen when I told you to ease up, but it stopped before it got that far."

"You mean Jay stopped me before I got that far." Charlie clarifies.

"Yeah. Yeah, he did." Erin whispers.

"He did the right thing. In a way, I'm glad he stopped me."

Erin's surprised at his words "You're glad? Seriously? He fractured your eye socket with how hard he hit you."

"Yeah."

"He-he could've killed you that night."

"No, he wouldn't have. Besides, he didn't."

"He could have." Erin argues.

"No, he couldn't, Erin. He threw me to the ground and then he beat the crap out of my face. Yeah, he knocked me out, but I wasn't gonna die from that. I didn't die from that. I'm alive, I'm sober and I'm out of that life. That wouldn't have happened if he hadn't put a stop to me that night. I probably would've ended up sober, but in jail."

His logic throws her for a loop. Charlie seems so at peace with what happened, with the way things played out. He doesn't sound angry, or bitter, but more at peace; like he's accepted the way things are. It reminds her of the boy she first met during the tutors' outreach program.

"Are you doing okay now?" Erin asks in an effort to avoid the stroll down memory lane "Like, you're healed and everything right? You're not trying to soldier through some remaining injury without any medication?"

"I'm fine, really Erin. The only reminder of that night is the shame that I feel over how I acted. I know you got the letter, but I need you to hear it from me; I am so sorry I forced you into that situation. I never wanted to make you feel pressured in any way. And I mean it when I say that I'm grateful for the way things happened, because I would've woken up the next morning and hated myself even more than I already do. What Jay did to me may have been extreme, but it was what finally got me out of that life and onto a better path."

"That's only because my Dad stuck you in a rehab centre to make sure you wouldn't be able to press charges or something." Erin scoffs.

"He was trying to protect you guys, Erin. Look, one of the first things I learned in here was why the whole 'accepting the things I cannot change' mentality is so important. If I held onto that anger, that resentment, it would've eaten me alive. I never would've been able to get clean because that part of me … it's like a demon, and it's eating me alive and the only way to silence is it the drugs. It's trying to push everyone away so that it can stay alive, so that it can keep making me feel like I don't deserve to escape. Part of conquering the demon is accepting what I've done and what I feel has been done to me. It's the only way to be able to move forward. I can't change what's happened, I had to accept that, but I want you to know that I will never stop feeling regret over what I did."

"Charlie … It's in the past now. I've moved on, I let it go. You should do the same."

"Thank you, that means a lot coming from you. But it's just not that easy."

"You're a good person, Charlie. I truly believe that."

"Even after everything? You still have faith in me?"

Erin shrugs in response before telling him "What would the world be if we didn't have a little faith in one another?"

She can hear Charlie's smile through the phone, and she knows that he's thinking about the first time she said those words to him.

'You can get out of this, Charlie. let me help you, please. My Dad's a police officer, he deals with these kinds of situations all the time.'

'What's the point, Erin? I'm never going to be worth anything to anyone. I'm not important.' Charlie groans and lifts off his knees, hunching over the toilet bowl in Erin's guest bathroom as his stomach twists.

'You're important to me.' She says, sitting down on the bathroom floor next to him 'I don't want you to die like this. You could be so much more, Charlie. I know you could.'

'How do you do that? How do you believe in someone like me, believe that I'm worth more than what I am? You barely know me, Erin.' Charlie mutters weakly.

Erin musters up a small smile, reaching over grabbing the wet tea towel from the vanity to wipe the sweat off his face.

'What would the world be if we didn't have faith in people? I have faith in you Charlie, and I know that you want more than this.'

'I do. I don't want to be like this anymore, Erin.'

Erin smiles too, "Um, I probably won't call again Charlie. I just, I wanted to check in on you. Make sure you were okay. Clear the air. But we shouldn't …"

"I know," He replies, and she can hear the sadness he's trying to hide "I appreciate you calling at all. For allowing me the chance to apologise. And thank you, Erin. You're a big part of why I'm clean now. I have another four months in here, and then I'm moving to Wilmington to live with my uncle. Gonna finish school, and he's gonna let me work with him at his garage. I couldn't have done that without you. You believed in me when no one else did."

"You just had to have faith in yourself Charlie. That's all I ever wanted for you, was for you to see your potential like I saw it. And it's not too late you know, there's still a lot of life waiting out there for you."

"I know. For the first time, I really believe it."

"I'm glad."

"Thank you, Erin. And just between us; I know one day, he's gonna see you. But, if he doesn't, you have a bright and beautiful future waiting for you regardless, I know that with all my heart; no one deserves it more."

Tears prick her eyes, and she fights hard to speak
"Take care, Charlie."

She ends the call and looks out at the setting sun in the distance. No matter what happened, at least she knew some good had come out of all this. That thought alone gave Erin more peace of mind than she had felt in days.

---

On Sunday, they're just passed the two-week mark. Fifteen days of silence. Erin and Jay both skipped Sunday night family dinner the week before; Erin stayed in her room with a 'stomach-ache' and Jay stayed at the Halstead home with a 'migraine'. Their parents had let it go the first time, but they weren't getting off so easily this week.

"Mum, I really don't want to do this right now, please. I'm not ready." Erin groans.

Camille ignores her daughter's complaints, grabbing a pair of jeans and a green silk top from the closet and throwing them onto Erin's bed.

"This is family night. And family night is non-negotiable until you leave for college. You know the rules." Camille says.

"Mum, please."

"We don't have much time left before you go to college, Erin. How many more family nights are guaranteed, really? Who knows what might happen, your father works such a dangerous job and with my health…"

"Are you seriously trying to play the death guilt card right now!?" Erin looks at her mother, eyes wide and mouth dropped open in shock.

"If it means you get your butt out of this room and sitting at that dinner table, I'll use play whatever I have to." Camille shrugs "I'm sorry Erin, but this has gone on long enough. You two are best friends, and now you're just being ridiculous. How do you expect to solve anything when you make every effort to avoid him?"

"Maybe I don't want to solve things," Erin huffs as she pulls her jeans up against her hips "Maybe I'll just ignore him for the next two-and-a-half months, go to college and never come back."

"Oh, well now you're just being dramatic." Camille sighs.

Erin grins "I learned it from the best."

"You must be talking about your other mother."

Erin laughs at her response. Katherine and Camille both had a reputation for the dramatics, but neither of them would ever admit that.

"Look, it's two hours; we'll sit and eat, then the adults will be in the living room and you kids are free to do what you'd like. If you want to use that time to talk with Jay, I won't complain." Camille shrugs, walking out of her daughter's bedroom.

Erin rolls her eyes "You're impossible."

"Love you too, dear." Camille calls.

…

"I'm not going."

"The hell you aren't." Pat says, "If you two want to let this fight destroy your friendship, that's your choice, but I will be damned if you two think you're getting in the way of Sunday dinner."

"Mum, come on." Jay looks hopefully over at Katherine.

"Sorry sweetie, you know the rules. Sunday night is non-negotiable."

"You let me skip last week!"

"Because you told me you had a migraine. Or did you lie right to your mother's face, Jay?"

Pat stifles a laugh at his son's expression. His wife was good.

"Fine. I'll go, but I'm not happy about it." Jay stomps up the steps to get ready.

"Cry me a river, kid. We leave in ten!" Katherine yells, not bothering to look up from the skirt she's ironing.

Pat walks up to his wife, wrapping his arms around her from behind and holding her close. Katherine grins, setting the iron down and turning in his arms "Patrick John Halstead, what are you up to?"

"Nothing. Just enjoying a moment with my wife before the madness ensues." He teases, kissing her nose. Katherine reacts and scrunches her face up in that adorable way he loves. "Seriously, Kit-Kat. Pushing them like this might not get the results you and your partner-in-crime are hoping for."

"At this point, if it gets us anything at all I will take it." Katherine sighs "I am sick and tired of watching that boy mope around this house, Patrick. And poor Erin, have you seen her lately? She's a shell of herself. This separation isn't doing either of them any good."

"Forcing them back together won't do them any good either. Not if they aren't ready to reconcile thing themselves."

"I know. I know, Pat. But these are our kids, our babies. I can't just stand by and watch them suffering. If it blows up in our faces, then it blows up in our faces. But at least you can look back on it and say we tried."

"I guess- wait, what do you mean we tried?"

"You and me, obviously."

"Oh, no, no, no. I am not involved in this cockamamie plan you and Cami cooked up. You will not drag me down with you, woman."

"Baby, you lost the right to not be involved in my 'cockamamie plans' the day you put a ring on this finger." Katherine teases, flashing her wedding band and engagement ring.

Pat sighs, resigned "Don't I know it."

Will comes down the stairs a moment later, Jay's hard footsteps following shortly after. Pat looks at Jay, who's sporting the most annoyed face he thinks he's ever seen. Normally it would be amusing, but Pat feels for his son right now. He knows Kath and Cami are only trying to help, but the pain in his son's eyes is evident and he doesn't know if Sunday night dinner is going to be enough to reunite Erin and Jay. Pat also thinks that's why Jay avoided dinner last week – he's scared to see what Erin is going to say to him, what might happen when they're finally face-to-face. Jay seems terrified that they're friendship won't survive.

…

Sunday night dinner was business as usual. The adults conversed across the dinner table; Camille and Katherine were discussing the PTA club and the Graduation ceremony they were overseeing for this years' class, while Hank and Pat traded work stories. Will contributed to the conversation occasionally but spent his free time texting Natalie. And Justin was too focused on scoffing down his food to really entertain conversation, but he still answered when one of the parents asked him a question, mouth full of food or not.

Erin and Jay sat quietly next to each other. There had been no further conversation other than a murmured 'hey' to one another when the Halstead family walked in the door. The dinner table was loud all around them – voices talking over one another yet somehow still sounding completely coherent to the people engaging in the conversation – but Erin and Jay were silent.

Jay thought about talking to her. Asking her how she's been, why she's been avoiding him so hard. Some naïve part of him thought they would keep their routine – that she would still sit in the passenger seat of his car on Monday morning even if she was still angry with him. That had always been how they were. He didn't know what they were doing now, but the longer their silence drained on the more frustrated Jay felt and the more his anger lashed out. Erin cut him out so easily, ignored him like it was nothing. What the hell was up with that?

He couldn't really blame her though, could he, when he had done the same. He hadn't gone out of his way to not see her, not like she did. But he did skip Sunday dinner, and he did avoid joining in conversations with her. But now, he had the information he needed from people that he could trust to tell him what's fact and fiction; he wanted to apologise but she wouldn't entertain it for even a second.

"Erin, can we-"

"Will," Erin says suddenly "Would you pass me the butter please?"

Both Halstead brothers look at each other confused. The butter dish was clearly much closer to Jay, but Will leaned across the table to grab it and pass it to her anyways.

"Thank you." She smiled sincerely.

"Seriously? You're just going to keep ignoring me? You're unbelievable." Jay mutters.

"I don't know what more there is that you could possibly want to talk about. Feels like we've said everything we needed to, or did you have more assumptions to make about me?" The conversation around the dinner table quiets down, the four adults focusing on their kids' discussion.

"This is ridiculous."

"Jay…" Kathleen warns.

"Now I'mbeing ridiculous? You're the one still hanging out with those douchebags at school, after I told you how much they've hurt me."

"How else do you expect me to figure out what the hell is going on when you won't explain it to me yourself? You won't talk to me, Erin."

"Because I decided to keep my distance from you since you were hanging around people that make me feel bad. That make me feel like I'm some insignificant loser, that I'm not worth anything. Would you like me to apologise for that, Jay? For putting my needs above yours for once – How dare I!"

"Erin, that's enough." Camille tries but is also ignored.

"No!" Erin snaps "No, you were right mama, I shouldn't let anyone try to make me fell less than who I am, right? Well, I refuse to let our friendship put me in the same circles with your idiot friends who keep trying to reduce me down to nothing. I deserve better than that, especially from my best friend."

"I've been trying to apologise; you won't give me the fucking time of day!"

"Enough. Both of you." Hank's cadence sends a chill down everyone's spine. No one makes a sound as he stands at the head of the table, knuckles clenched and leaning against the hardwood "We're not doing this, not now. If you two can't sit here and have a peaceful and pleasant time with everyone, then I suggest you take it elsewhere. Otherwise, eat your food and talk after. But I will not tolerate this behaviour while we are trying to have a family dinner. Am I understood?"

"Yeah. Sorry, H." Jay says.

"Sorry Dad." Erin murmurs before she stands and walks out to the backyard.

Jay watches her go, contemplating if he should follow her or not. He can feel their parents' eyes on him, his stomach is in knots, but he stands and walks after her anyways. She's standing on the edge of the deck, where the wooden stairs meet the grass and she's huddled in on herself; her body is slightly hunched over as she keeps her arm wrapped tightly around herself and Jay feels his heart break further at the sight.

"Erin," He says once he's outside "Can we just talk about this, please?"

"I really can't do this right now, Jay."

"Please, Erin. I just want to explain, to apologise."

"Funny, I said the same thing to you. And you refused to listen to me."

"I was angry." He speaks.

"I know you were. I know I hurt you. But you can't just push me away when I want to talk and then expect me to be ready when you want to. That's not fair."

"I know. I know," He says softly.

Erin turns to face him "Do you have any idea how much you hurt me? The things you said, the way you see me. I've spent the last week trying to tell myself that it was just the heat of the moment, that you didn't mean those things."

"I didn't, I was-"

"And then I watched you spend the entire hanging out with your 'friends'. The exact people that we got into this argument about, the same people that I told you have spent the better half of our high school life talking shit about me." Erin exclaims "I survived everything they threw at me, I stuck it out and I did my best not to let it bother me because their opinions didn't matter to me. No matter how many times they wanted to make the 'sacrificial virgin' jokes or poke fun at my body, or how awkward I seem, or how you must only be friends with me because you pity me. None of it mattered because I knew the truth, I knew how strong our friendship was. But seeing you this last week … hurt more than anything you said to me that night."

Jay takes a step towards her, desperately trying to take control of the situation "It wasn't like that, Er. I swear, I just- I just wanted answer. I wanted to know what they were saying about you, and we weren't talking, so I thought if I hung out with them enough someone would slip up. They didn't. But I talked to Nadia and Greg, Kim and Adam. They told me bits and pieces; things they'd heard and things you'd told them. I didn't … I didn't know it was this bad. I'm sorry, Erin. I'm so sorry."

Erin walks closer to him, and Jay feels a glimmer of hope.

"How long have you known them for?"

"What?"

"Kim, Adam, Greg and Nadia. How long have you known them?"

"Well, we've known Kim since middle school, so seven years. And the rest of them, I don't know. Three, four years at the most?"

"Okay, so somewhere between three to seven years for all of them. And Allie?"

His confusion grows but Jay answers anyways "I mean, she started with us in Elementary, but I guess three years is most accurate right? I didn't really know her that well before we started dating."

"Alright, so she slots in that three-to-seven-year timeline as well." Jay nods "You've known me for eighteen years." She states softly, and he finally understands what she's getting at with this.

"You've known me for eighteen years, our whole lives Jay. We've grown up together, we were best friends, we're some weird way of family, and I know that I hurt you with the whole Allie and Severide mess. But you were so quick to dismiss what I was telling you, to doubt me. Yet, when it's our friends telling you – people you've known for less than half the time you've known me – then what I'm saying is considered the truth? I just … can't understand how you could be so quick to dismiss me like you did. After everything that we've been through together, I deserve more credit than that. I thought my word meant more to you than that."

"It does, Erin. You know how important you are to me. You know me."

"Do I? Did I ever really? Because right now, I'm looking at you and I just don't recognise you." Erin whispers, tears threatening to fall again "The Jay that I know, the boy that I fell in love with; he wouldn't have doubted me for a split-second. He would've given me the benefit of the doubt because he knows me well enough to know that I would never set out to hurt him or keep something from him unless I really believed there was no other option."

Jay doesn't answer. How can he argue that? Erin can see the realisation on his face, and it hurts to know that she's the one putting him through all this turmoil. But the foundation of their entire friendship is breaking, and she needs him to know her heart. To know how she's feeling because otherwise, what was all of this for?

"I don't, I don't want you to be mad at me." Jay says softly, and Erin can see the vulnerability he must be feeling right now "I love you too, Erin. I don't want it to be like this."

Erin feels her heart ache at those three words. Words she's wanted to hear for so many years, imagined Jay saying to her so many times. But she'd never thought it would be like this.

"This is not all on you, Jay. Clearly, neither of us have been the best friend we thought we were. And I'm not mad, I'm more disappointed than anything and I just- I don't know if we can fix this."

They stand in silence, not knowing what to say, and Erin decides the only thing that's left to do is to walk away. She moves past him slowly, telling herself that she just needs to get inside and up to her room and then she can let herself break down. But his voice stops her before she reaches the door and his words hit her in a way she can't describe.

"We can. We can fix this. I'm going to prove it to you."

---

Pat and Hank watch from the window of the Halstead's living room as Jay sits in the car, waiting for Erin to come out. Their talk last night seemed to trigger something in the young man, and he'd asked Hank to let him drive Erin to school today. 'H, I gotta do something. And I can't show her that I'm still the best friend she's always known, if she won't even be around me'.

The protective 'Girl Dad' in Hank Voight wanted to say 'hell no'. But Jay was like a son to him, too. He loved both Halstead boys as fiercely as he loved his own children; that's how it's always been between the two families. And when Jay had explained what exactly Erin had been preventing Allie from exposing, he'd agreed to step aside and let the boy try it his way. So, he parked his car in the Halstead's garage and enjoyed the rare late start to work with a cup of coffee and a catch-up with his old friend.

"You think she's gonna go for it?" Pat asks.

Hank shakes his head, taking a sip of his coffee first "Probably walk right past him and head straight for the bus stop."

His phone beeped with the message he'd been expecting from Erin; 'Dad. Where are you?'

'Sorry, big case. Left early in the morning, didn't want to wake you. Jay said he'd drive you to school today.' he typed back.

A minute later her reply came through and Hank chuckles as she shows Pat the small screen; 'No worries. I'll take the bus.'

"She's nothing if not persistent." Hank says.

"She's scared, Kath was the same way when we first starting dating. When I told her I loved her, she got up and she walked out of the restaurant. I didn't see her for four days." Pat smiles at the memory "She didn't want to get hurt again, like she had before. I had to prove to her that I was different. That I was staying."

"Yeah, Cami was the same. She put me through my paces, that woman."

They hear the front door slam shut and turn their attention back outside. Erin emerges in the Voight's driveway, stopping for a moment as she looks at Jay's car parked just in front of her. He has a wide grin on his face, but both Pat and Hank can see the nerves behind it. Erin starts to walk past him when Jay says something and sticks one hand out, holding a cup of coffee out to her.

"He knows her well." Hank smirks.

Erin pauses again, turns and takes the coffee then continues walking. They both chuckle at the surprised look on Jay's face, flustering with the keys in the ignition and haphazardly reversing out of the driveway to follow her.

"Remind me to give that kid a driving lesson." Pat sighs.

"I think that's the least of their worries right now."

"And just whatare you two up to?" Pat and Hank startle, turning to see their wives standing close behind.

"Oh, just enjoying a cup of coffee. Hank's not heading in until 10 today, and I don't have to be at the hospital until midday." Pat smiles.

Katherine and Camille look at their spouses knowingly, the men dispersing from the window and heading into the kitchen to sit at the island bench.

"Those two are terrible liars." Katherine whispers.

Camille snickers "When it comes to those kids, they're just as bad as we are."

---

"Erin, come on. You're gonna be late if you take the bus now." Jay calls out.

He's driving the car at a snail's pace, blocking up the traffic on their street and forcing people to go around him whenever the oncoming traffic lane is clear. Erin ducks her head, feeling embarrassed by the people who stare as they walked past them. He's doing this to annoy her, to get under her skin, and it's working.

"Jay, just leave me alone. There's nothing else to talk about. Just … live your life, and I'll live mine."

"No, there's still plenty to talk about." Jay says, "But if you get in the car, I promise to be silent the entire drive to school."

"Please, you and I both know you don't have that kind of self-control."

"If it means you'll let me drive you to school, I can."

She stops and turns to stare at him, trying to figure out what he's getting at. The cars continue to honk, Jay continues to ignore them, and people keep on staring at her as they walk past.

"Come on, Er. I know how much you hate being late." He teases.

"Ugh, fine. No talking!" She gives in, chucking her backpack on the back seat with his and getting into the car.

She slumps down in her seat and stares out the window, arms crossed over her chest. It's not that she's enjoying ignoring him. She's just trying to make this as clean a break as possible. If she stays out of his way, soon enough it'll be like their friendship never happened. She doesn't want to be the person that she's been with him these last few weeks; she hates the way things have been between them, but it's like they've opened Pandora's box and she can't pretend that things are fine. She doesn't want to sit here in this car like it's just a normal Monday morning. Too much has happened now.

"You want to play a song?" Jay asks.

"No talking." Erin grumbles.

Jay chuckles softly and grabs his iPod when they're at a red light. He finds the playlist he spent all night making and plugs the aux cord into its socket, the speakers crackling before the soft and sultry melody of '16 candles' by Stray Cats starts to play.

'Sixteen candles, make a lovely sight.'

She can feel his eyes on her, and her heart races as he leans over and takes her hand.

'But not as bright as your eyes tonight.'

Jay smiles when Erin doesn't pull away from him. It's a small victory, but it's still progress.

They keep driving and Jay doesn't let go of her hand. The song comes to an end and suddenly the upbeat tempo of 'Come on Eileen' starts and Erin lets out a laugh before she can stop herself. It's the song that her mother plays on the morning of her birthday every year. Camille had deemed it her song after her water broke dancing to it in the living room because she was three days over her due-date and was desperate to bring on labor.

Every song that played had meaning in some way. 'Wannabe' by the Spice Girls because for Erin's 15th birthday she wanted a 'Spice Girls' sleepover party and so Jay had dressed up as Posh Spice, Kim was Sporty Spice and Erin was Baby Spice. It was one of her favourite nights.

The last song that played before they reached the school was 'Wonderwall' by Oasis and Jay heard Erin's sharp breath at the lyrics began. They'd listened to this song while lying on the floor one night in her bedroom, and Erin had said something about how it was a nice song to dance with somebody. Jay had laughed at that and said they weren't really the most romantic to dance to. Erin told him that she liked the idea of an imaginary friend coming to save you from yourself. So, Jay had jumped up and taken her hand and started to clumsily dance with her. When Erin had asked him why he was doing it, he'd told her "because you don't need an imaginary friend to save you, when you have me right here. As you best friend, I'm obligated to dance with you to this song now."

It was the silliest logic he'd told her, but it made her heartbeat wild inside her chest all those years ago and it had that same effect now.

Jay lowered the volume as they pulled into the carpark. He turned the ignition off and turned to face Erin. He could tell that she was overwhelmed; they'd barely spoken in the last three weeks and now suddenly they were in his car holding hands and reminiscing to the soundtracks of their friendship. Her body tensed up and she pulled away from him, reaching to grab her bag and get out of the car.

"Thank you. Um, for the ride." Erin said.

She saw the disappointed look on his face before he could hide it with a smile as he said "You don't need to thank me. That's what you do for people you love, right?"

Erin doesn't say anything, giving him a small smile as she walks away.

---

On Tuesday, Erin stared at the school newspaper in her hands in shock. Kim had run up to her during their first break, thrust the paper into her hands and simply said "read the message board". Erin had looked at her like she was utterly crazy until she read the piece that Kim had circled.

Bear,

You looked beautiful today. And every day. That dress you were wearing looked so soft and warm; I just wanted to cuddle up against you.

I saw you editing someone's work this morning; I love how you try your best to help everyone. You're so kind. I'm sorry if I ever took that for granted.

I hope your day goes well, and that we talk soon.

love, Bird.

"It's him, right?" Kim asks excitedly "Jay's mum used to call him Bird, didn't she? He knew you'd get it – he totally wrote that for you!"

She was right. Katherine used to call her youngest son her little Jaybird, because when he would whine as a baby it sounded like a little bird chirping and she always found it amusing. Erin used to call him Bird sometimes when they were kids; when he was feeling sad, it always comforted him to hear her call him that.

"That's, no, that could be for anyone."

"Oh really, Er-bear?" Kim smirks "You know it's for you."

"It doesn't matter." Erin shakes her head, handing the newspaper back to Kim.

"Erin, come on. He's trying, that's got to count for something."

"Of course, it does."

"Then why are you trying so hard to ignore this, to ignore him? Why won't you give it a chance?"

Erin looks down at the ground, avoiding Kim's gaze "I don't want to get hurt any more, okay? I'm scared because he decided so quickly that I was no longer someone he trusted, and what if he changes his mind about me; decides that our friendship no longer worth the hassle? I just … it all hurts and I don't know how to make it stop."

Kim pulls Erin into her arms, hugging her friend tightly as she says "I can't promise that you'll never get hurt again. But I know that you're going to regret it if you let this moment pass you by. You've been in love with that doofus for as long I've known you," Erin giggles tearfully against Kim's shoulder "He's finally here, he's ready and he wants you and he's willing to show you how much. This is what you've been waiting for, Erin. Don't let your fear ruin it."

---

Jay drives Erin home on Wednesday afternoon. It was unexpected; she'd reluctantly let him drive her to school for the last three mornings, but she kept her hands out of reach from him. Jay respected that; he didn't want her to feel uncomfortable in his effort to win her heart. He was nervous, but optimistic, and all he wanted was to sit down with Erin and talk things out. He hoped that would happen soon.

While their morning car rides had felt more at ease, Erin seemed off when she got in the car this afternoon. He tried to talk to her when they pulled into his driveway, but she got nervous and told him she had to study and that she would see him in the morning. It was weird, the state of their friendship; they weren't sure how to act around one another. They hadn't really acknowledged their fight, or Erin's defeated admission that maybe their friendship wasn't meant to last, nor Jay's promise that he would prove her otherwise. Jay was trying his best to prove to her that he was still her friend, that he was still the boy she loved, and Erin seemed to be letting him even though her guard was up. Admittedly, Jay was feeling a little less hopeful now.

"Hi, honey." Jay smiles at his mum as she walks towards him "Hi, mum."

Katherine sat down next to Jay on the porch swing, holding his hand in hers.

"How are you doing?"

Jay shrugs, looking back out at the kids playing on the street "I don't know. Okay, I guess."

"Look, Erin told me a little bit about your fight, but I don't know exactly what happened to cause such a rift between you two. If you'd like to tell me, maybe I can help you fix it?"

He's not sure if it's the best idea but he's desperate. He needs the opinion of someone who knows both himself and Erin to help him understand the situation better. To tell him if he's wasting his time. So, Jay sits with his mother and talks her ear off; detailing every word, action and feeling exchanged between himself and Erin that night. And when he finishes, Katherine proceeds to slap him upside the head.

"Ow!" Jay yelps as his mother scowls at him "What the hell, ma!"

She thumps the back of his head again "Jay Alexander Halstead, I raised you better than that!"

"Aw geez, do you really need to full name me?"

"How could you say those things! To Erin, to your best friend?" Katherine exclaims.

"I know, okay I know! I just- I just got so angry, and she lied to me!"

"To protect you!" Katherine scowls "And you're going to explain to me and your father exactly what this 'leverage' is that your supposed girlfriend was holding over Erin."

"Great." Jay grumbled, crying out when Katherine pinched his arm "Jesus, ma. Stop hurting me!"

"I will when you stop acting like an immature child and start acting like the young man that I raised! That girl is your best friend, Jay. She's family. And she may not have gone about it the right way, but she was trying to protect you. Can't you see that?"

"Of course, I see that."

Katherine takes a deep breath, regaining her composure while she listens to her son.

"I was mad, but when I sat down and really thought about it; of course, she did all this to protect me. That's why I'm trying so hard to get through to her, to apologise and fix us." Jay sighs and softly adds "She said she loves me."

"Of course, she loves you." Katherine says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"No, like love, love. Like how you and Dad love each other. And H loves Mama V."

"I know what you meant." Katherine smiles at the surprise on her son's face.

"How did you- when did you-"

"Oh sweetheart, anyone with eyes could see just how much that girl loves you. Do you really think she would have done this for just anyone? Or that she would be this upset about it if it wasn't you who said those things to her?"

"I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying, but she's still freezing me out. I just need to know that, even if she's still upset with me right now, it's not going to be like this forever. Right?"

"It won't be," Katherine promises "She's hurt. She's been hurt a lot, and it wasn't all your doing, but it was because of people that you were associated with. It's hard for her to separate all those emotions right now, just don't give up on her. She'll come around."

"I hope so." Jay sighs.

…

Later that night, Jay sits on his front porch steps watching the moon in the sky. He couldn't sleep. There was just too much weighing on his mind, and his Dad had suggested that he get some fresh air and try to clear his head a little bit. What he hadn't expected was for Erin to come outside, blanket bundled around her to sit on her front steps as well.

"Hi." He speaks.

Erin jolts and turns her head to him "You scared me."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to." Jay says softer, feeling silly. This wasn't starting out well.

"It's okay." Erin smiles "Can't sleep, huh?"

Jay shakes his head, looking back up at the sky "Too much on my mind."

"I know the feeling."

They sit in silence for a little while, both savouring each other's presence. Erin looks over at Jay, and even though they're sitting quite a distance from one another she can still see how tired he looks. It's more than a physical thing though; this tiredness feels like something more, like there's an emotional and mental fatigue inside him. Erin knows because she feels the same way.

"I didn't think I had another choice." She suddenly says.

Jay looks at her in confusion and so she clarifies, "I didn't know what to do, when Allie said that she had that tape. All I could think was that she was doing such a terrible thing to you, she was hurting you. But telling you the truth felt like I was inflicting more pain, not less."

"You promised me, Erin." Jay shifts to leans against the balustrade so he's facing her, and Erin does the same "I asked you, not two days earlier, to promise that you wouldn't keep any more secrets from me."

"I know you did."

"I think that's what hurt me the most, honestly. It's not even the lie itself. I understand why you did it, I really do. But it's like … I want to let it all go, but I just keep replaying that moment, sitting on the balcony, and asking you that. And it makes it hard to not be frustrated over this whole situation."

"I'm not asking you to excuse what I did, Jay. I knew that it was a risk, and I knew that either way it would hurt you. I just wanted to give you the best chance at securing your future that I could. I was going to tell you the morning after your game, that was the plan. I didn't want to mess with your head before that, it wasn't fair to you. I'm sorry, truly I'm sorry."

"None of this is fair." Jay sighs "I'm sorry too. I should never have called you selfish. I was angry, and I was feeling hurt by you and I wanted to hurt you in that moment. And that wasn't either because you didn't deserve it. And realistically, I knew that you would've had a reason for not telling me. I was being an ass, that's all there is to it."

"You were hurting. I get it." Erin shrugs, "I really am sorry, Jay. I'm sorry that you got hurt, and I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you, even though I thought it was for the right reasons. I'm sorry I broke my promise to you."

"It's okay. I understand why you did it." Jay replies.

"Still, I'm glad I got to explain it to you. That we got to talk about it like this."

"Me too. Maybe now, we can start to try and move past all of it?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I think I'd like that." Erin nods.

Jay smiles tiredly "I, uh, I should probably head inside. Try to get some sleep."

"Yeah, me too." They both stand and look at one another for a moment before they head to their doors. Erin pauses as she holds the doorknob, "Hey, Jay?"

"Yeah." He calls out

"Thank you for your message, Bird. I loved it." She smiles over at him before opening her front door and walking inside.

Jay smiles brighter, watching her retreating figure as he whispers, "I love you."

---

The rest of the week goes smoothly, and Jay and Erin find themselves falling back into a more comfortable and familiar routine. Their late-night conversation had been a starting point for them to journey on a path of forgiveness. Jay had given Erin the opportunity to explain, and in turn she apologised for the role she had in hurting him and they both left that night with a greater understanding of one another's headspace during that time and had gotten the closure they needed. The wounds were still fresh, but now they were starting to heal.

Erin was still distant though. Jay was doing his best to be patient with her, to let her work through the lingering hurt that was plaguing her. Deep down, she knew it wasn't hurt that she was holding against him. Erin had just grown so used to feeling less than, to feeling like she wasn't worthy; especially when it came to Jay. She was having a hard time letting go of that voice inside of her head that was telling her to run; to keep her walls up being the other shoe was going to drop and her heart would get crushed all over again.

Jay had driven them home and they'd hung out for a little while at his house, sitting on the couch together and watching a movie. She'd gone home for dinner with the agreement that they would see each other tomorrow; they were going ice-skating with Kim, Adam, Greg and Nadia. The six of them had kind of become their own group as of late, and it made Jay realise just how uncomfortable Erin had been around his old group. With their friends now, she was lighter and happier and she seemed more at ease being surrounded by them than she ever had when they would sit with Allie, her cheerleaders and the soccer team during lunch.

"You're heading to bed already?" Camille asks her daughter.

Erin stops at the staircase, looking at her parents cuddled up on the couch "I'm gonna sit outside for a bit and read."

"Alright, be careful." Hank says "Love you, kiddo."

"Love you too, goodnight."

"Goodnight, sweetie." Camille says.

"You tell Kathy?" Hank asks when his daughter is out of earshot.

"Texted her as soon as Erin finished the dishes." Camille smirks.

"I hope this works." Hank sighs.

"Of course it will. You worry too much, Henry."

"She's our kid. Worrying is part of the job description." Hank answers gruffly "I just want it to work out for her. She deserves the world."

Camille kisses his cheek and says "Yes, she does. And I think she's already got it there; she just has to be willing to let herself have it."

…

One month. Four weeks. Thirty-one days. seven hundred and forty-four hours. That's how long it had been since Erin was last out on the balcony, the night of her and Jay's fight. She'd not wanted to come out here in the last few weeks because there were too many memories attached to it and she didn't want to taint that. But now, she and Jay are feeling steadier, and she's missed being able to sit outside and read under the peace and quiet of the night sky.

"I was wondering how long it would take for you to come out here again." Erin startles when she hears him.

"God, are you trying to give me a heart attack? Quit scaring me like that!" She exclaims, closing her eyes and clutching her chest.

Jay chuckles "Sorry, I wanted to surprise you."

When she opens her eyes again, she takes a step back, "Yeah. This … this is definitely a surprise."

There are fairy lights wrapped delicately around the balcony railing, a soft blanket covering the cold concrete floor, and her favourite flowers are wrapped in a bouquet on the little stool she keeps out here. Some candles sit in the corner and a speaker with his iPod docked into it, softly playing the same playlist he showed her a week ago.

"Jay, what is all of this?"

"This is a part my apology to you." He starts off.

Erin frowns, "We already did the apologies thing, it's all good; we're good."

Jay shakes his head "We're not good, because I haven't apologised for how shitty a friend I've been. You were right, Erin. I haven't always looked out for you the way that I was supposed to. The way that you've looked out for me. You've done so much for me, and I'm sorry that I let you down."

"It's okay. Seriously, you don't need to apologise. It's in the past, I've forgiven you." Erin insists.

"I know, but I needed to say it to you. I wanted to tell you in person, and not just assume that were good because I know you well enough to know that you've forgiven me. When we hurt someone that we love, we apologise. I hurt you, and you deserve a real apology.

Her breath catches at his words. 'When we hurt someone that we love.'

Jay smiles nervously as he says, "I was so scared to admit the way that I felt about you, that I threw myself into my relationship. I let that cloud my ability to be a good friend, and I shouldn't have because everything you've done in our friendship has been motivated by the love you have for me. And instead of doing the same, I ran from that love; because I was worried that I was going to ruin our friendship."

"Jay."

"I love you. I need you to know that. I'm not running from it anymore. I love you. And I don't know how it happened or when, but I am so sorry that I didn't tell you sooner."

"Jay …"

"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I let my fear nearly destroy our friendship. It almost cost us everything else we could have together."

"Jay, I-"

"I just need you to know that I mean it, okay? I'm not just saying it because I think I have to or something like that. I love you. I'm in love with you and-"

Erin steps forward and grabs him by his leather jacket, pulling on the front of it so he stumbles into her. Jay tries to keep talking, to disjointedly apologise and confess his love to her all at once, but Erin's lips press firmly against his and he loses all his words.

It feels like the world has tilted and is spinning on a completely new axis. Jay has one hand on Erin's neck, cupping her jaw and the other is firmly against her back holding her to him with every ounce of strength he has. Erin's arms wrap under his jacket around his waist, holding him with just as much fervour.

They were three words that she had heard a lot from him over the years. But now, she heard the tone in his voice, felt the weight of his sincerity so clearly. It was as if she was finally waking up, finally seeing what he had been telling her all those times before. Jay Halstead didn't just love her; he was in love with her. He had been for a long time, and she was finally ready to let go of her self-doubt and accept that love.

Their lungs start to burn, and Erin pulls away reluctantly. She rests against him, foreheads touching and noses grazing gently against each other's as she sucks in as much as air as she can.

"I love you, too." Erin breathes heavily "I always have."

Those words spark something inside of him, and Jay lifts her in his arms and hugs her tightly as she squeals. "I love you." He says as he peppers kisses over her face "I love you. I love you. I love you so damn much!"

…

"When did you know?" Erin asks softly.

She and Jay are laying together atop the blanket, watching the stars glimmer. He's on his back with his right arm outstretched and she's tucked into his side with her head resting on his chest. They had lost track of time under moonlight, talking out everything that had transpired over the last month. It was cathartic, like they were creating a clean slate for them to start this part of their relationship with.

"Honestly? I can't really pinpoint it for you. I don't know when it started, but it was like I woke up one morning and everything just clicked. All the unexplainable feelings that I kept getting when I was around you, suddenly they all made sense. They were clear and present and telling my heart that what I was feeling was love. I don't know when exactly it happened, but those feelings have been sitting in silence for far too long. I wish I hadn't waited all this time."

"It doesn't matter. We're here now, and here is good." Erin replies.

"Here is perfect." Jay agrees "… Hey, you want to know something?"

Erin hums contemplatively "Depends. Is it a good something, or a bad something?'

"I think it's good," He reassures and she nods "I don't know when I fell in love with you, but I can tell you this much; I've had the hots for you since the beginning of puberty."

Erin snorts "Yeah right."

"I'm serious! You know how many times I've had to physically move myself out of viewing distance from you? You just have this innocence about you Er, you'd wear those summery dresses, or a v-neck top and you didn't realise how sexy you were without even trying. How much it drove me crazy. I may not have known that I was in love with you then, but I knew damn well that there was a part of me that wanted you. Bad."

"Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"I don't know. I didn't want to make things weird, we're family."

"Ew. If you tell me right now that I was like a sister to you, I'm seriously going to throw up." Erin exclaims.

"What? Ugh, no!" Jay groans "I just mean the way we grew up. I was protective of you but not in a sisterly way. It was more that you were so sweet and innocent but at the same time you were this attractive young woman in the making. And I've known you since the womb, you're one of the most important people on this earth to me. And, I don't know, am I even making sense at this point?"

"I think I get it." Erin takes his hand in hers reassuringly, "It's familial in the way that you wanted to keep me safe, like you do with the rest of our family. But the love that we have is different. It's … more. It's special, something uniquely ours."

Jay's hand reaches down to brush through her hair as they bask in the comfortable silence, and the action comforts Erin in a way she's never felt before. She's never known peace like this. She's always felt comfortable with Jay, but this is a whole new level and part of her feels a bit uncertain because these feelings are running so deep into the core of her being that she doesn't know what she'll do if she ever loses it.

"I'm really scared." Erin says suddenly.

Jay turns onto his side, looking down at her as she plucks a piece of lint of his sweater. He tips her chin up so she's looking at him as he asks, "What are you scared about?"

"… of how much I love you." She says softly, "I've never done this Jay. I've never had a real relationship, and I don't want to do anything to mess this up."

"You're not going to."

"You can't guarantee that." She argues.

Jay pauses for a moment, and it makes the knots in Erin's stomach tighten "Erin, there's no pressure here. We don't have to rush anything."

"Jay, we leave for college in a couple months. You can't tell me there's no rush."

"Er, if there's one thing I know with certainty; it's that you and I are going to be in each other's lives forever. So yes, there is absolutely no rush. As cheesy as it sound, I think we just have to trust in the way we feel, the love that we have; and let it guide us through."

"You really believe that?" She smiles even wider when he nods "We can just- we can go slow. Take it one day at a time?"

"One day at a time. I like that." Jay says.

"It's a deal." Erin says gleefully.

"Hmm, I do believe that deals are supposed to be sealed with something right?" Jay smirks.

"You want a handshake?" Erin teases.

"A handshake's a good start." He says, leaning in to kiss her again.

"You're so silly." Erin laughs against his lips.

"You love me for it, though."

"Yeah, I do." Erin says holding her hand against his cheek as he leans into her touch "I love you a hell of a lot, Jay Halstead."

---

(three months later)

Erin can't keep the smile off her face as she stands on the stadium and faces the crowd of her peers. She's about ready to burst with excitement; they've been waiting for this moment and now that it's finally arrived, she doesn't know what to do with herself.

"And now, it is with great pleasure that I present to you this year's graduating class of Chicago Preparatory." The Dean proudly announces.

Cheers echo through the auditorium as a sea of graduation hats are thrust up into the air. Erin waits until the Dean motions them off stage, and she rushes down the steps and through the lines of chairs until she sees Jay. She pushes past the students standing in that row and he opens his arms out to her as she reaches him.

"We did it!" Erin yells excitedly "We're graduates!"

"I can't believe it." Jay grins and hugs Erin tightly "Congratulations, Valedictorian.

Erin blushes and Jay's grin widens at the sight. He loves making her blush.

"Thank you." She leans up to kiss his cheek, but Jay moves at the last second so his mouth is in line with hers.

Erin giggles happily against his lips and wraps her arms around his shoulders as he hugs her around the waist. They're lost in the moment, wrapped up in one another and the anticipation of starting this next step of their lives together.

"You know, I don't recall paying for a show with the Graduation dinner." They break apart to see Greg standing behind Jay, a cheeky look on his face as he eyes his two friends.

"Fuck off, man." Jay chuckles and shoves his shoulder "Can't you just let me celebrate with my girl in peace?"

"I would, if you weren't blocking the way for the rest of us to get out here."

Erin looks around and realises that their peers have all started to disperse, except for the ones that are stood behind Greg waiting to exit the row Erin and Jay were occupying.

"Sorry," Erin says, hiding her face in Jay's chest once they move out of the line and allow the other students to finally exit "That's embarrassing."

"Eh, who cares. We're not gonna be seeing them anytime soon."

Erin rolls her eyes at his comment, "Come on. We should go find our families. We'll see you at dinner, Greg?"

Mouse smiles and gives her a thumbs-up in reply as he walks over to where his family is waiting.

Erin looks around for their families and Jay takes her hand in his while they begin to walk around the auditorium. It's not long before they hear the high-pitched, enthusiastic voices of their mothers.

"Look at you two!" Katherine says as she rushes towards them "Oh my gosh, you look so grown up in your cap and gown. Cam, where did our babies go?"

"Ma, please." Jay groans "Can you at least wait until we get to the car before you start crying?"

"Be nice," Erin scolds "It's a big day for her, too. Oh, geez."

Jay stifles a laugh when he sees Camille already clicking away as she takes photo after photo. She loved capturing every second of the big moments in all their kids lives.

"Oh, you look adorable. Kathy, wipe your eyes and smile with your kids for god, sake!"

Erin and Jay both look pleadingly towards their Dad's, who are standing back with Justin and Will. They simply get a shrug in response and let their wives' fuss over their babies.

"Okay, I think that's enough photos mum." Erin says after Camille snaps the flash of the camera in their faces for the fifteenth time in a row "You're going to burn my eyes."

Camille eases up and their Dads and brothers finally decide to join in, hugging them both and offering them congratulations. Katherine keeps kissing Jay on the cheek and saying how proud of him she is, and Erin stays in her father's embrace. The older man holds her firmly around the shoulders and Erin lets him have his moment in peace; she knows it's an emotional day for their Dads as well.

"So, do we finally get to know what the plan is?" Justin pipes up.

Erin and Jay share a look and smile. They'd kept tight-lipped on their arrangements for college, wanting to make sure that everything was organised and confirmed before they told their families any news.

"California State University offered me a complete athletic scholarship. As long as I keep my grades above the requirement, I play for the team and they'll cover my tuition and lodging. I'm thinking about studying Sports Medicine, or maybe business; I could be a sports agent or something like that."

"Congratulations, Jay." Pat hugs his son "I'm very proud of you."

"We all are," Camille says, Hank and Katherine nodding in agreement.

"So, you're going to CSU together?" Justin asks.

"Not exactly," Erin smiles knowingly "I'm actually going to be at Stanford, studying journalism and teaching. They're giving me a partial scholarship, and they have one of the best education programs. It's the best fit for me."

"That sounds amazing, kiddo." Hank says reassuringly.

"Thanks. I'm really excited." Erin tells him.

"Long distance? You guys are brave." Will jokes.

Jay lets go of his mum and walks over to Erin. Hank takes a step back towards his wife and Erin stands with Jay amongst their family and friends.

"Nah, we got this." Jay confidently states.

It was a five-hour distance between CSU and Stanford, which is more than they've been apart their entire lives. But if anyone could handle it, Jay and Erin could. And if it turned out to be completely unmanageable then they would figure it out – one of them would move to a closer school or transfer to the other's college. They didn't have a concrete plan yet, but neither Jay nor Erin was willing to let the other sacrifice their dreams. They knew that they would be able to make it work; they loved each other enough to make it work.

Erin leans up at him and kisses his cheek, never taking her eyes off his as she says,

"We're going to be just fine. We'll just take it one step at a time."

---

And they were right. They lived day by day, took it one step at a time and let the love they had for one another guide them.

That love would carry them through everything. Through four years of long-distance dating in college, before Jay graduated and he and Erin moved into their first apartment a block away from Stanford so they could be together while she finished her studies.

It guided them through to the day that Jay takes her out to that balcony of theirs at the Voight's house where he asks Erin to be his wife, and she of course says yes; making both their mother's cry and scream 'I told you so!' at their husbands.

To the day Erin told him that their wedding would have to be postponed because she didn't want to be sporting a baby bump under her dress.

That love continued to grow as Erin's body did along with their first child, a daughter named Matilda. And the moment they first held their little girl in their arms their hearts grew tenfold.

Their love only grew stronger when they finally stood in front of their families and friends with their two-year-old between them as they vowed to live as husband and wife for as long as they lived.

Through all the ups-and-downs they face, Erin and Jay stood true to that promise they made the night they got together. They took it one step at a time and let their love for one another guide them wherever they were meant to go.

And it was the greatest decision they had ever made.

THE END.

---

A/N: And there you have it. It took a while, but much like Jay and Erin, we finally got there!

Apologies for any spelling/grammar mistakes but it's 1:55am, I have work in three hours and I've been staring at this document for the better half of the last 24 hours 0_o

I was kind of nervous about this chapter truthfully. I worried that there was too much unnecessary info and that I was rushing the resolution part of it all. And then I got nervous about the ending; the part in italics was the original way I was going to end this story and I kept it in, but it's supposed to kind of serve as an additional little note to wrap up their story – kind of like the voiceover at the end of an episode.

I tried to select music that was from the years that Jay and Erin would've actually been teens (based on their actors ages), because that's kind of the time the storyline was intended to be set during, around the 1990s. It didn't really end up reading that way for most of this story, but the playlist was one of the first ideas I came up with when creating this little world and I couldn't part with it or the song I'd already chosen :)

But all in all, I'm actually quite happy with the way this chapter came out. I never imagined when I started writing out this idea that it would be four parts long, and ending in a TWENTY THOUSAND WORD CHAPTER (!?)

I appreciate you all for sticking with me through this – Please leave a review and let me know what you think, one last time.

Thank you for reading 'Hard to Pretend' 3