Brief British Cultural Notes:
'Taking the piss', if you didn't know, is mocking someone (not going for a wee!)
'She Loves You' is a famous song by the Beatles (I'm sure you don't need me to tell you who they are!)
Brief German Cultural Notes!
Seeing as I have a fair few regular German readers (including one super keen bean fan desperate to win my contest elsewhere: you have been noted!):
The German title of the song Voldemort sings is 'Sie liebt dich'! :) (I didn't just randomly translate that for a small, select group: I mean it was also translated and recorded in German!)
As usual, Google, Youtube, if you'd like to hear any music that features here.
I'll work out how to do an accompanying playlist for my work soon, so that you, too, can be like Voldemort, and not have to do all the hard work for yourself! ;)
Enjoy!
Chapter Four
On Pencils, Playing and Taking the Piss
He opened his pocket book. And began to write...
To do
1) Get rid of dolts
2) Bath
3) Him
4) Buy more whisky
5) Drink self into oblivion
6) Don't get so blind drunk you forget to save the Weasley woman's life
7) See Lucius after, if he's up for putting me up
'-SHE LOVES YOU! YEAH YEAH YEAH!
SHE LOVES YOU! YEAH! YEAH! YE-AH! YE-AH!'
Voldemort sang at the top of his voice as he continued to wait for his favourite servant.
He was stretched out on Severus's bed. Arms splayed, hands latticed, tucked beneath his head.
Of course he loved the Beatles! They had hardly failed to escape his attention, back in the day. They were bigger than Jesus! Before, even, he was!
So he told himself…
And going to their concerts had been a great way to pick up girls-
"'Think you've lost your love? Well I saw her-' When was it last? Bout, four years ago, give or take?
'It's you she's thinking of-'
Well she'd better bloody-well be thinking of me! If not... She will. After what I've got planned for tonight!
'She says she LOVES YOU!' And you know that can't be baaaaa-aaa-aaa-aaaaad!' It is, actually. For HER! Heheheheheh!"
His laugh soundly somewhat like that of 'Muttley'. The evil dog, from the cartoon 'Wacky Races'.
"And with a love like that. You know you should be GLAAA-AAD! OOOOOOOO! SHE LOVES YOU, YEAAH YEAAH YEAAH!"
He kept some LPs and a record player in Severus's rooms, of course. Saved carrying stuff back and forth. Yes he could shrink things but… well magic is exhausting, like running. More so as one ages… Even accio, used frequently.
That was a thought.
He went over to the bathroom. Severus's only mirror. How tedious.
Must get him a vanity set for the bedroom next birthday, or something.
He melted the sealant round its edge with his wand. Prising the mirror away from the wall, he tucked it under his arm.
"The things I have to do for myself…Argh!
When will I have a large enough army such that I won't need him to recruit the kiddies anymore?"
Of course, he wasn't playing the record right now. Just singing.
As he could sing much better than the Beatles. He was sure.
"They would just drown me out..."
Severus was the one who liked listening to records the most of the pair. Over and above hearing the master 'sing'.
Voldemort indulged his servant, and acquiesced to his requests.
He hunted around for any hair.
"Not a trace of the stuff in Sniv's comb!"
Neither was any to be found on the back of his spare cloak...
"The man only has two. The absolute peasant that he is!
As if he's been deliberately gathering his hair up to destroy it!
Or am I being paranoid…? For the first time in my life, I mean!
I am certainly NOT PARANOID!"
Dismissing the thought, Voldemort jumped on the bed, suddenly serene at landing on his back, and bouncing a tad.
He gazed lovingly at his reflection, with a smile.
"Girl bate, am I. Pure bloody girl bate."
He crossed his legs, biting his bottom lip coyly.
"And boy bate, for that matter…"
The only person, alive or dead, to have ever had naturally red eyes! Ever, in the world!
He grinned in satisfaction, reflecting on the fact.
The mirror had a painted white, wooden, square frame. Too plain and ugly to be worthy of his attention. But if it was dull, he reasoned, he more than made up for that with his own, hansom, beautiful reflection!
Holding the mirror with both hands, Voldemort turned it and his head at different angles.
"The most desirable, desired, handsome, clever!"
Posing. Pouting. Narrowed eyes. Bit lip.
Running his left hand up and down his cheeks and forehead-
Where hair should have been.
While his left eye winced in a grimace, he flicked his tongue to the left side of his lips, and then back again. He pursed his lips.
He might not be able to do anything about the nose but-
He fished about in his robes' pockets.
Removed the lid and wetted the tip of the pencil, drawing his eyebrows back on, aided by the mirror.
For a split second, he contemplated how he might draw his hair back on. Before dismissing the ridiculous thought an instant later, and replacing the makeup.
A wank! That would relax him! Then he'd forget….
How no potion would stick. Fix his nose. His head, bald as a baby with alopecia…
Yes. He'd have a fiddle. Play about- play! A song! Music! That'd make him feel better, too!
He shot up out of the bed.
"Music first! Severus and sex for afters! Oh he's gone and moved the piano again! Urgh! Must I do everything myself?!"
Voldemort huffed and slouched off in the direction of Severus's sitting room. He levitated the piano, planning to shift it back to bedroom. But stopped.
"It's all dusty! He's not touched the damn thing since before I went away, in all likelihood!"
Since he had been tired to accio the mirror (simply saving his energy for later, he told himself)... levitating so heavy an object was perhaps a tad over optimistic.
He put the piano back down. And sat down to play.
"Something dark. Fun... Some Chopin, I think! The 'Marche Funèbre'!"
Also known as 'Piano Sonata No. 2'.
If you think of the most stereotypical example of a funeral march that you can remember ever having heard: that's probably it. It goes something like:
'Duuun duun duun duun duuuun duun duun duun duun duun duun.'
If that really doesn't ring any bells (and really, I can't think why...): look it up, if it's important to you to hear what he played.
"Hmm. It doesn't sound nearly so lovely and macabre when the piano's out of tune. The boy's really let himself go if he can't even look after his piano! Well, I s'pose it's mine but, the point still stands!"
A gift. From many years ago…
The Dark Lord played a few more bars experimentally with his right hand, tapping at the piano with his wand in the other, humming and muttering to himself.
"I'm not nearly so good at this as Severus. But if I summon him by mark again, he'll take fucking forever!"
He slammed the lid down. And apparated away.
About half of Severus Snape's class screamed. Many made to hide under their desks. The Hufflepuffs.
The other half tensed, visibly, but sat in silence. All nervous. Some respectful.
The Dark Lord tilted his head to the right, raising a pencilled eyebrow.
So he could make children scream and cry and try to flee, even when he wasn't trying to?
Interesting.
"Oh, don't mind me, there's no need to stand!"
A handful of the less dense of the Slytherin element took this as the order that it was.
Voldemort winced.
"Next time, my little snakes. Stand to attention, immediately, without all this scraping and screeching of chairs. I won't warn you AGAIN!"
"My Lord."
Said Lord snorted on observing his servant at his side.
Severus gave a bow of the head.
A half-arsed attempt at an outward display of respect, to Lord Voldemort's mind.
"Would that you were half as respectful when you're at home. You only call me that when you want something, these days."
Or when you're taking the piss.
"May I be of... assistance?"
Translation: what the bloody hell are you playing at?
"Piano's out of tune."
"You have perhaps mislaid your wand?"
Voldemort glanced at said instrument.
"Evidently not," he replied, testily.
"Then I fail to understand to what I could possibly owe this pleasure-"
Mordred! He could hardly admit to not being as good at some sort of magic than his mere servant, could he?!
A brilliant bit of inspiration came to the Dark Lord.
"I do not waste time learning trifling bits of frivolous magic! I am a serious minded individual! I curse! I kill! Isn't that right, cowering kiddies?!" he called at the Hufflepuffs.
And… a handful of Slytherins?!
Which are they?
He bent in an attempt to observe- That would not do. At all.
Perhaps a demonstration is in order. What happens to those pledged to me who try to flee-
"Why, then, are you desirous of playing the piano?"
"What do you mean?" Voldemort snapped, turning to face his servant. "I just am!"
"You have taught yourself how to use a trifling little toy of muggle origin-"
"That's Slanderous!"
"Libellous."
"-Thank you- That's libellous!"
Voldemort was always polite, when flustered. Returning to 'childhood mode'.
"Hang on- I was right! It is slander! That's the spoken, not written one, yeah? You're trying to trick me- So I lose face in front of the children! How dare- I'll give you a bloody good seeing to later, you bastard son of a whore of a blood tra-"
"You were going to anyway," stated Severus, simply. "I may as well do something to deserve it."
A handful of children had observed the bitching and flirting and banter, and concluded that they were themselves, personally, out of the woods. Some students started to sit back down, slowly. More clocked the acts of the others, and made to copy.
"Which of these children is your favourite, Severus?"
"I don't have favourites-"
"Ooh, so I'll have to guess, then? That'll be fun! This little lad?"
"Don't move, Carlisle! Just face the front!"
"Or perhaps... this little lady?!"
"Stay still, Brennan! Avoid eye contact!"
"Or… this one-"
"Just look straight ahead, Miss Greengrass!"
"Miss? You fancy her!" Voldemort crowed.
"I do not!"
"He does, children!"
"He's just playing mind games! Ignore him!"
The Dark Lord put his arms around the Greengrass girl from behind, and hugged her tight. Leaning his head on her shoulder, with his arms diagonally crossed, his hands rested on her desk. Clasped in a saintly fashion, he felt. As though in prayer.
"I'm sure Miss- Daphne, is it?- And I will become the best of friends in no time at all-"
"What do you want?!"
"Or you can come and play with the piano-"
"Very well-"
"And me. Your choice, Snivellus. It's always your choice."
The man winked.
"I shall come. My Lord."
"Oh, I do hope so. But not before me!"
The Dark Lord cackled at his servant's mortification.
A/N:
I'm sure most of you got the joke without needing me to explain but there are readers joining us from around the world, so for the benefit of my non-native English speaking readership, who may not have come across sexual innuendo in the course of their studies (I expect most of us don't in any foreign languages we've tried to learn):
'to come' can mean to ejaculate, or to orgasm more generally (i.e. can refer to men and women). Conjugate as you would with the verb in its more common sense (he comes, came, will come, etc.)
Voldemort used the term 'girl bate' first before adding 'boy bate', as the former term was in common parlance when he was a young man, and relations between same sex couples weren't exactly tolerated. Hence also his keenness to pick up girls at concerts in the 60s: he could do that openly without embarrassment, well, at least, appear to be desirous of courting the opposite sex, if it was not possible to be too open about having sex outside marriage in those days. And perhaps he didn't become comfortable with his attraction to men until it became more acceptable, decades later, if at all. Being gay was an especially difficult time with the AIDs crisis in the 80s and the unfortunate attribution of it to and blame of male same sex couples, there was hysteria and disgust and fear at a time when it was a fatal disease with no apparent prospect of a cure. I doubt then that things had improved much by the 1990s, when this is set, and also I imagine wizarding society, certainly pureblood circles, are very socially conservative, being so closed off and unforgiving about things like marrying outside the community, to muggles etc. (also no known LGBT couples in the books- presumably all have to hide it? If we take my premise of interpreting the books as real from the canon source material). So think on that and whether there may be any unfortunate sense of shame, guilt or self loathing etc. and how that might affect any characters and the relationships depicted, when you consider that against the rest of their personalities, and the strain of spying in secret plus strains from taboos from society, whether that may be LGBT relationships in particular or indeed sex outside of marriage generally (e.g. on Severus and any other Death Eaters who may be working for more than one side). And don't get me started on poor Ginny: women get enough crap as it is ('loose'; 'slack' vs. men who are 'players'...) without her having to grow up in an enclosed introspective likely very socially conservative society. I expect, in the wizarding world, if anything happens to a girl in the way of an assault: it's probably the view that it's always the woman's fault (at the very least in pureblood supremacist circles but have we any evidence that 'the Light' are any more enlightened?)
I believe by the way Voldemort actually likes men more than women, but is bisexual, as you will see, if you read on.
Some of you might also be interested to know why Voldemort and Severus are so casual with one another, and in public. What follows is a long (!) explanation of how I came to characterise Voldemort and Severus's relationship, for anyone interested, answering this question, and more. Read as much or as little as you like, or skip accordingly (next chapter ready to go for next time!)
So in the political offices and places I've worked there are no (openly) toxic relationships like this of any kind (that I know of). But people do gossip and flirt a bit and insult each other in an affectionate way. In Britain everyone is very self-deprecating and takes the piss out of themselves and each other. Like a typical comment is 'Where are you from?' 'Such and such place.' 'Oh the only time I've ever been there is to change trains to get away from there!' Everyone laughs as it's a famously boring or ugly town etc.
So Severus's and Voldemort's relationship… They go back a very long way. First met when Severus was recruited as a very young man, a teenage boy. In many respects they're very relaxed and comfortable around each other and can openly insult or criticise each other in a very typically British way, affectionate and fun. Severus had some concerns for not behaving in a certain way in front of the children but he's resigned to the fact that Voldemort doesn't give a damn, he just had to put up with how Voldemort is, since getting upset would never resolve anything. There is perhaps now a blurring of their public and private behaviour and forgetting to adapt to audiences, since they are so used to being in each other's company. Severus tries to give back as good as he can get anyway as he can get away with it: it might be that it is very clear in Voldemort's mind who is wearing the trousers, but on some level he finds his sycophantic followers boring, for always being the same, so servile, and Severus's jibes are amusing and refreshing and he indulges Severus for these, so Severus keeps the banter coming, knowing being different from the others is what marks him out as a special servant. Then Voldemort is relaxed and comfortable. Then he speaks indiscreetly, reveals his plans, his secrets, to Severus. Then Severus can pass them on to his spymasters. That's why Severus can speak so openly critically in front of 'the master' but occasionally it is in jest and occasionally he is genuinely expressing annoyance. He just tries to come across as normal, so he doesn't behave in an odd way, and give away his spying, and normal people of course occasionally share jokes, or flirt, or fight, and then kiss and make up, with certain others in their daily lives.
Voldemort is, of course, someone who likes to surround himself with lots of young men, and a few women, and who makes people call him 'my Lord', and who speaks of his followers as his servants. I didn't originally actually set out to deliberately explore the sexual dynamic of the Death Eaters in my writing. I started with the premise that I wanted to treat them, their war and the whole Harry Potter world as if it was real. How would that really work, with the freedom to write an M work, so with the freedom to write how people normally speak, swearing occasionally, without the strictures of children's literature.
Well pretty early on it occurred to me Voldemort has got to have a very sexual element to his operations and that needs to be explored. He's a King holding court, taking mistresses (and... other masters?!) Only it goes beyond the court of the King. He's started a personality cult. Expects almost religious levels of devotion and fervour. And cults often have a leader who expects sex with followers, more like acolytes. So it seemed so obvious and natural that that must be what was going on with the Death Eaters, to my mind. Since he surrounds himself with mostly men much younger than himself, and only a few women, and all the people from his generation are gone, who he was at school with: I thought most of his generation are dead because he got bored with them or they were too old and ugly for him (there are some other reasons too which we'll explore as we go, finding out what happened to Abraxus etc.)
So for that reason I thought well he must be bisexual as he likes all these much younger men in their 30s when he's in his late 60s/ early 70s in the books. But he's not gay as there are some young attractive women around close to him too, like Bella. So in this scenario, people try to curry his favour by variously either seeking him out and wanting to have sex in exchange for favour, reward and power, or such people as his followers endure, but don't initiate, relations with him, for the same benefits, i.e. some merely tolerate attentions. Possibly some simply don't turn him down as they're too afraid by this point, given his apparent reputation and power (How much of that is genuine, his 'most powerful wizard ever to have lived' mantra, and how much is just rumours that he started that are so common now, everyone just accepts all those stories as fact? You decide!)
On the one hand: Voldemort hates being rejected. And that is to put it mildly. On the other hand, he is the sort of inadequate insecure type who enjoys causing others pain, and observing how upset he can make people, and having power over them, all of which he takes pleasure in. And Severus knows all this. And that he has to keep the man on side, while remaining undercover. Severus is more than capable of bottling everything up. But he does allow a little bit of his nature fear to show through. To keep up appearances, I believe, and so as not to show just quite how good an occlumency he is.
Also, it must be so hard avoiding letting the mask slip by itself under so much strain: he's been in the field so long, and now Dumbledore's gone... No wonder his mask slips, poor sod. I very much doubt someone would ever be undercover for years without being moved around or a break and with only one person giving instructions in real life, and then just told he was to be left on his own to deal with it, having to keep under cover for as long as it takes (for Harry to come to him to pass on that one crucial piece of information! A whole school year to wait?! What if Harry had gone off abroad and taken years?! Sooo inefficient!). Severus knows he's been left on his own with no support, like Albus must have said he should expect. And he's just got to use his own judgement now his spymaster's dead and the world hates him... And in real life there would be attempts to recruit many spies by many sides, pinch them from each other, so you're covered if something goes wrong. Someone might defect, get found out and killed, have a breakdown, do a runner/ refuse to carry on, just be crap at it in practice having been good in theory/ on paper, get found out and need to be helped to escape before the enemy kills the traitor/ extracts secrets from threats or bribes... any number of things could happen. Surely Severus must know/ have known all that?
And all that pressure, two entire canon spying operations, of both the Light AND Dark sides, everything which could possibly go wrong, the future of all that is good and pure and the commonwealth of the entire wizarding world... rested on the shoulders of just one man?! Sheeeeesh! No wonder the poor sod's turned to drink...
It is a very difficult dance. To put it mildly. But I rather get the impression that, at least, for all that he's had very little guidance about the way forward from the Light side, Severus knows how to wrap Voldemort round his little finger. To play him like the prettiest of little 'frivolous' piano pieces. Now he just needs to work out which pieces to play, using Voldemort, as it were. First plan, then action. What do you think?
I always like to say I don't like to tell the reader what to think. I see them and I hear them, the characters; I record it all faithfully (like one of those little muggle dictation machines). And I often am surprised or sad or excited for characters, at an unexpected turn of events, or find myself laughing at their spontaneous jokes (Severus's "I shall come" was genuinely intended as "I'm on my way now", it was going to end there, but the "Oh I do hope so" of Voldemort's was completely spontaneous. Even I have to concede Voldemort is capable of wit! But Severus will never acknowledge the fact to his face!) All that sort of thing comes from nowhere, since they do things of their own accord through no apparent control of my own, despite any best laid plans for plots… Such is the mystery of the writing process…
The point being: I reflect on what I find in front of me and have my own thoughts about what is going on and why so and so does such and such. But I'm always keen to hear your thoughts and interpretations. My style is probably not to everyone's tastes, but I don't want to copy a trope of whatever everyone else likes that's popular on here: it may be more interesting for you to read something that's a bit different, rather than samey and like the type of thing you've read before (I know not all writing's the same, don't mean to generalise, but I'm guessing it's not so common for characters to have snatched chats about songs and quotes and I want to let such conversation flow naturally rather than interrupt constantly to explain this refers to that). Hence I provide cultural notes, which I know some of you like, and which you can read or skip accordingly (just as you can skip this!) I've tried to research spycraft from what's in the public domain as thoroughly as I can too, which I think is also a USP of all this.
I am keen both to write stuff that I like (it'll be better quality for you if my enthusiasm shines through!) but I also want to write what you like. I want you to enjoy reading my work and if you don't, or only like some bits but not others, that's absolutely fine! But you know, I'm writing, sharing and publishing as I want the reader to have fun, or find it interesting, or thrilling, or learn something, or whatever, too!
And so if you have any thoughts at all at any point, on this or any of my work, I'd really appreciate hearing, in the comments, or messages: what do you like, what works well, is there a character you'd like to see more of, maybe something you don't think works so well. Or an idea or a plot request for a future chapter or one-shot.
I do take plot requests but only if they work or would be realistic. The person who asked me to write a whole vampire story: I could see a way to how Severus could become a vampire. I am very seriously thinking about that for Love and War are Far From Fair. But. I don't seem him as trying to seduce a young Harry at school, I'm afraid. So, as I say, no plans for that specific request for a whole multi-chapter story but I am very seriously thinking about the vampire part, will continue the Voldemort-Severus stuff that you know and love, here and elsewhere, FYI the reader with that request, and I hope you enjoy this.
Severus is placed in a position where someone is being very domineering and dominant towards him but he's not naturally someone who puts up with being putting in his place, he has got an extremely tough side to his character as well. So whilst Severus will have his struggles (and with good reason: he must surely have PTSD, the extraordinary pressure he's been under!) he's not just going to take it all lying down, and mope about sad, but he's a fighter who'll fight back. I hope that'll fun for us to explore.
My Voldemort isn't a sexual predator because of wanting to set out and write a story about that, but it just evolved that way and seemed a natural extension of his massive ego from the sanitised (but very insubstantial, 2D-villainy) canon character, which I want to flesh out. What little was in Rowling on Voldemort made it clear to my mind that he's a sadist who likes hurting children/ people he believes to be weaker than himself (the caves business), and I want to write canon-inspired, realistic characters.
While I don't see Severus seducing a teenage pupil: I do see him as the sort of person who would be fiercely protective and intervene to protect an underage child from the advances of Voldemort. Now then if of course the monster of a man is going to insist on fostering his attentions on her, and worse, and there is the whole war at stake. This places Severus in the most difficult of positions (yet again). His natural protective instinct as a teacher towards his pupils. Vs. the possibility of considering Ginny a casualty of war and somehow putting up with a 'most regrettable' situation, to avoid blowing cover (she's the daughter of the enemy: why would Severus care to protect her, we often hurt our enemies for fun as an organisation. So Severus's attitude is all highly suspicious, runs Voldy's direction of thoughts, if and when Severus is too insistent on trying to protect Ginny later). But Severus is a man, a sexual being, capable of forming attractions, who we know from the books is attracted to women (his complex relations with Voldemort aside, we know he was deeply attracted to Lily). So, if Ginny (I've just realised: also ginger) and he are to be "thrown together"... Well he may do his best to master his emotions and more. But he himself does not consider that he's a saint, either. It will all be incredibly difficult and complex for him, the direction this story will take...
I only feature sexual exploitation and coercive control in my work if it's relevant, it works (I think what we know of the canon characters corresponds to my attempts to flesh them out), and it essentially amounts to a baddy or baddies abusing their power and position and taking advantage of the vulnerable, as that is what happens in real life. Or, more interestingly, ordinary, seemingly outwardly respectable people, I occasionally depict in this way. Who go on to do terrible things for the first time when that becomes socially acceptable in a group setting (the Death Eaters' 'muggle torture', alluded to in the books, must surely amount to something horrifically brutal and sinister, and I'm not talking about the Cruciatus).
While I try to step back and not take sides, to be as neutral author as much as possible, I think deep down I do root for the goodies to triumph and beat such exploitative, nasty, abusing baddies in the end. But not too much, as we mustn't have a plan for a nice, neat happy ending necessarily, where everyone on the side of good and justice and decency survives and wins just for the sake of it! That's not war. That's not politics. And that's not realistic! And that would be too boring and easy! Realism first and foremost! Plus excitement and adventure! (With a few songs and bits of banter in between!) No more hints about which way it is all going, now! But, as I say, please consider letting me know what you think! What you'd like to see going forward!
Here endeth the essay… If you read it to the end. Well done you.
"What were you expecting? A sticker? A lollypop?" (Severus Snape.)
In all seriousness, guys: cheers for your support. :)
A tout à l'heure!
(See you soon! Blame Lucius Malfoy if I occasionally dip into French. I don't do it on purpose but have been spending 'far too much time with him' lately. Lucius liberally peppers his speech with French, which is not uncommon in Middle/ Upper Middle Class British society (he's definitely the latter, at the very least!), but he does so full well knowing that others in the wizarding community don't understand, and flaunting how much cleverer than others he feels he is, to make others feel inferior.
He is an insufferable, pretentious, jumped up git. But I love him, all the same, somehow! Hope you will feel the same, when you 'meet' him, too!
You can always read 'Love and War are Far From Fair', if you haven't already, for a snippet of the sort of thing to come! Lucius's funniest bits to date are Chapter 15!)
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