This is back to 'the future', soon we'll be going backwards. Thanks for all the feedbacks, every review lifts my spirits.
The green eyed woman was holding her friend's hand as they were following the last strokes of light for the day with their eyes. They rays were fading in the purple horizon over the Atlantic.
Melanie's voice disturbed the silence - "Do you remember what you wanted to do when you grew up?"
She felt sadness, but she didn't need time to think over her answer -
"I thought I'd be a surgeon, but it wasn't meant to be.."
"I used to dream of me being a queen, or at least a bride."
"You married Ash. at city hall and we celebrated in your tiny flat at the dorms, Mel."
"You're a fine one to talk."
Scarlett smiled "I used to fantasize of such a huge wedding, with flowers and a tiara over a pull up styled hair"
"You should have a party when Rhett returns. Renew your vows."
"At the divorce court?" she answered dryly.
"There'll be no divorce. But before we touch that subject I must say that I thought you wanted to be a super-star."
"I had to work at what I could after the army. You know that. Pa went bankrupted or Chapter 11, I never liked the terminology, he sort of lost it after Ma died..."
"Your childhood sort of ended too early."
"Whose didn't?"
"Mine did not."
"Melly - you were an orphan of both parents by your third year."
"But I had Pitty and Peter."
"Pitty is half a child herself and you were tending to her most of the time."
"She and Peter kept me in a safe space as long as I needed it."
"Well, I didn't have a safe place, except for Tara. I think. Or was it all in my head?"
"You had a safe place at Charlie's" she reminded her softly.
Scarlett smiled "I miss your brother. He was my real BFF."
"I envied him."
"What on earth for? You had Ash."
"Scarlett. I was in love with you as much as I was with Ashley. It took me years to let go and realize that you are as heterosexual as they come."
"It took me two minutes to understand what you insinuated, and to know that you and Charlie are the family I need."
"When I saw you with Rhett at Afghanistan I realized the battle was lost before it even started."
"All these women that visit you daily - were they all lovers?"
Melanie smiled - "Most of them."
"How did Ashley handle it?"
"Ashley had his share of male lovers and we sometimes we even shared. We did try to form a threesome with you, unsuccessfully - I might add. Didn't you and him go anywhere?"
"Base-wise? Only a kiss, and only once. I thought he courted me the same summer before I became pregnant. It flattered me that he'd talk to me, we even went to two concerts at the time. The first one was horrible - I fell a sleep, the second one I chose and he nearly vomited." She laughed at the memory "He never was too fond of hard rock or the pop music I love. Then I found out he was seeing me for your sake. I think he was always flattered by my admiration. I always admired all of you, for being so well read. That sure got Rhett insanely jealous. But Ashley loved only you. "
"In women you're right. But he has his share of male lovers."
"How could I have been so blind?"
"Ashley is not like me. He had a real hard time coming out with his other tendencies, shall we say. Only after he left the army, when Beau was three years old, I simply brought a friend home, and than we-"
"TMI - please stop!" Scarlett was blushing furiously at the thought. Her friend laughed gently.
"You are still such a child. Yet, despite it you managed quite nicely."
"Have I? "
"Oh, honey, look at you, you are gorgeous and so successful-"
"Not at loving, and that's the only thing that ever drove me to do anything -"
Her friend squeezed her palm lovingly ignoring her words-
"Even now, instead of working you are with me, at this beach house because I wanted to see the ocean one last time before-"
"I sold it all." Her voice was dry.
"The businesses?"
"Yes. The opportunity came."
"Scarlett, honey, when I'm gone - you'll have to work, you'll go mad if you don't, or Ella and Wade will. You will drive them crazy if you become a full time mother. If you want your money spent on anything but life-long therapy-"
"Ouch! You're becoming mean at your death-bed?"
"It's liberating. You are the only one I can talk with regarding my coming death. Pitty begins to cry, Peter tags along, and Ashley, poor Ash... You'll have to find him a wife, you know that don't you? Even if he loves men, for some odd reason, he needs a woman for a wife. You know I would have left him if I had a chance with you? That's why I convinced you to enlist, at the time. God, I was so selfish - keeping Ash at bay, taking you from Wade - than I saw the way you looked at Rhett "
"God - stop! Ash found you on his own, thank-you very much, so he'll find some grad-student who loves that Danish Sorn or some other idiot."
"You mean Soren Kierkegaard, not Sorn." she was giggling again.
"Probably. What difference does it make if I don't articulate his name properly? It's not as if he's taken offence of my superficiality. He's dead, isn't he?"
"Long dead." She kept smiling but then she stopped "You underestimate yourself, hon'." Her voice was soft but firm - "You are one of the smartest people I've ever met. If it interested you you'd be an intellectual and put us all to shame with your wits."
"But as you've put it clearly, I'm not interested."
"Really? I saw you crying when I read to you yesterday."
She restrained her usual instinct to hide her emotions knowing it is few days before the real storm of her life will have arrived in the form of yet another beloved dead soul mate, and whispered.
"I never heard the end of it, Melly, the words in the middle caught me - of chance toying with the lovers your Polish poet wrote about."
"I wish she was mine. She won Nobel prize", and Melanie began reciting from that same part -
'it pushed them close, drove them apart,
it barred their path,
stifling a laugh,
and then leaped aside.'
The green eyes were tearful.
"Silly, aren't I?"
"I rest my case. A person who cries at Szymborska's words, is never superficial. It's funny though."
"What's funny now?"
"I read it to you on account of that ball, at the ending there are three sentences that drove me to recite it to you. You never heard them?"
"I'm listening now."
"Something was dropped and then picked up.
Who knows, maybe the ball that vanished
into childhood's thicket?
"Melly, you're hopeless if you think that I can go back to that game, or was it The Ball, when I told him he'd never hear me say I loved him?"
"It's time to leave the forest, Scarlett."
Her eyes widened. Without such translation she never would have realized that the poem directed her to leave that forest in the first place. Or had it?
Melanie was talkative -
"I had so many dreams for my adulthood as a child. I remember wanting to be a teacher, then a chef then a doctor when the sweet doctor told my father that he didn't need to make me take a pill for the chicken pox. At the end I became a psychologist because of Fanny's anorexia - I couldn't bare seeing her starve herself to death and-"
"She has that horrid mother of hers to thank for that" Scarlett muttered dryly. She felt her friend's hand loosen her grip "We should enter, you are becoming weak and it's pitch dark."
But the other woman seemed to not listen - "I had to stifle my laughter when I saw you eat like a herd of horses through that barbecue in front of that old witch Elsing."
"I did it on purpose."
"I know! It was hilarious to see you offer her greasy French fries dipped in mayo and tell her it's divine."
"Or when I offered to pour some whipped cream in her mouth?"
"Fanny was happy. She told me that her mother kept talking of your bad manners for days."
"I think her daft mom wanted me dead that very minute."
"You took Fanny out of her woods. She hospitalized herself the following week for a while and never returned to starving herself."
"Mell, that's all well and fine, and I understand that you have a few more days, but if I'm to stay alive and raise both your child and my children we need to enter the house. I'm freezing."
"Honey, I know you won't be mad at me and even if you - well, with the few days we have left you'll get over it,-"
The hold of her hand became firmer and she heard Scarlett gulp but she continued -
"Don't start crying, honey, I got a few more days, weeks at the most. Your nursing days will soon be over whether you like it or not."
Scarlett sniffed and trying to make light of the situation she spoke "I hated being a paramedic in Afghanistan. All those crying men, needing, complaining. I realized that being a surgeon is much easier with sedated patients. They are at least quiet!"
"You don't say?! You could have fooled- actually no one. You hated it and you were as grumpy as those two old figures in The Muppets Show, but you were good, as ever. You should have become a surgeon. You would have been the best." when Melanie Wilkes spoke cynically she still added sweetness to her words. "I always thought that Charlie would have been so proud of you."
"I wish I'd never gone there."
"You don't mean that darling - you would have missed on all the action, and I'd be long dead."
"Someone else would have been with you Melly, though it's sweet of you to put it otherwise, and Wade would have grown normally."
"You would have missed the Captain."
"Thus, I wouldn't have broken Rhett's heart. Can't see the downside of that."
"Scarlett, if you were someone else, I'd tell you a story about a place where there are no sorrows, no tears, no heart-aches, and no happiness either."
"Mell, don't start with stories and riddles, I won't understand the bottom line anyhow and it'll irritate me."
"Fine - I'm so glad I had you there- in the army - that you actually agreed to my madness and came. Plain enough?"
She huffed and after a while she added "I didn't think I could be a good mom to him. Never being able to look him in his eyes. He cried so much and always vomited. Not in Mammy's arms or yours though."
"You were barely 18 years old when he came-"
Scarlett cut her off "Have I ever told you of Charles's last letter to me?"
She knew that it was very hard for her friend to talk of Wade, and she had told her what she wanted so she let at slide and allowed the change of subject "Not that I recall."
"He had sent me a poem about death and war. For years I was sure he had written it to me on his own."
"Oh? Did my sweet brother plagiarize so as to impress you?"
Scarlett laughed "Not completely - the poet's name was Charles Hamilton too".
"Sorley?"
"Yes."
"Charlie sent you his poems?"
"Not poems. Only one."
"Could you read it to me?"
"I'd rather not. It makes me cry."
"So that's where you took those words from!"
Scarlett paled "I only used them once."
"I wondered-"
"I was begging."
"So you were. You wanted him to stay. It's not his forte, to say the least."
A.N. Both poems I use are rather beautiful - Szymborska Love At First Sight
They're both convinced
that a sudden passion joined them.
Such certainty is beautiful,
but uncertainty is more beautiful still.
Since they'd never met before, they're sure
that there'd been nothing between them.
But what's the word from the streets, staircases, hallways—
perhaps they've passed by each other a million times?
I want to ask them
if they don't remember—
a moment face to face
in some revolving door?
perhaps a "sorry" muttered in a crowd?
a curt "wrong number" caught in the receiver?—
but I know the answer.
No, they don't remember.
They'd be amazed to hear
that Chance has been toying with them
now for years.
Not quite ready yet
to become their Destiny,
it pushed them close, drove them apart,
it barred their path,
stifling a laugh,
and then leaped aside.
There were signs and signals,
even if they couldn't read them yet.
Perhaps three years ago
or just last Tuesday
a certain leaf fluttered
from one shoulder to another?
Something was dropped and then picked up.
Who knows, maybe the ball that vanished
into childhood's thicket?
There were doorknobs and doorbells
where one touch had covered another
beforehand.
Suitcases checked and standing side by side.
One night, perhaps, the same dream,
grown hazy by morning.
Every beginning
is only a sequel, after all,
and the book of events
is always open halfway through.
The other poem will be brought hence -but for the curious ones it is- Such, Such is Death - Charles Hamilton Sorley