warning: this chapter contains canon typical violence, character death, nausea and vomiting. it's a heavy chapter, proceed with caution.
action and adventure? in my romance story? it's more likely than you think.
Levi's mad. So fucking mad.
He's sick of being the last one to find out every single time. Somehow he's in the exact same situation that he'd been in nearly nine months ago - almost nothing has changed. Again she's done the exact opposite of what he expected and again she didn't see fit to tell him. Levi doesn't want to feel entitled, no matter what their relationship is - but giving him a warning or at least a fucking heads up wouldn't kill her.
Staying in the Garrison wouldn't kill her either. In fact, it would opposite of kill her, that's the whole idea. At some point, she decided that she was going to make a reckless, idiotic, suicidal decision - one that he'd in no uncertain terms told her he was glad she didn't make - and she made it all on her own. Or maybe she told other people, just not him. Who fucking knows, certainly not him.
The worst part is that Erwin is once again the one who told him this delightful piece of information. He dropped it casually, a relative factoid compared to everything else they discussed that day, just an offhand comment about an unexpected new recruit. Then he'd said, "Oh, Levi, you know her, don't you?" as though he hadn't spent half of his free moments in the past few months with the damn woman. Of course, Erwin doesn't know that, but still, some sensitivity would be fucking appreciated.
Why? What happened to all the fears, the doubts, the resolve? What had once been frustrating to him had become reassuring - even if he couldn't be with her, couldn't see her, (F/N) would be alive somewhere. Alive and happy and breathing and not a corpse. But no, she could never take the easy way out. Fuck, she's impossible.
It's not that he feels betrayed. Not this time. No, right now he's just absolutely furious.
So it's no surprise that when he sees her waving goodbye to someone, about to skip merrily to her new dorms, dawned in a dull orange uniform that proudly displays the fucking wings of freedom, he doesn't hesitate before grabbing her arm roughly and yanking her to his office. Levi ignores her protests and questions - he doesn't have to answer anything until she does.
He throws her in and she stumbles a little, but catches herself as he shuts the door behind them. Ever the nonchalant one, she faces him, sticks her chin out, and informs him snarkily, "That hurt."
"What are you playing at?" he demands. This isn't one of her fucking jokes. Nothing about this is funny at all. It's like she doesn't even understand what she's done.
(F/N) doesn't look apologetic. On the contrary, her mouth is curled in displeasure, most likely at being dragged in here for this intense questioning session. The sight is jarring; after weeks of seeing her smile and laugh and light up at everything, witnessing her frown at him is unsettling. But Levi doesn't care. In this instance, she has no right to be upset for the harsh treatment. If the woman couldn't handle being tugged around a little, then she'd hardly be able to deal with what awaited her outside the walls.
"I don't know what you're talking about, sir." Sir. There's an air of indifference in her tone, one that lets him know who he's dealing with - a frustratingly stubborn fucking woman. "Have I done something wrong?"
Levi stalks closer to her until she's against the wall. He slams a hand right by her face, caging her in. She barely flinches, only staring at him coolly as he glowers at her. Identical to the position he'd had her in the day before she departed for Utopia. Back then, he'd been bitter and confused, and she'd been apologetic. This time, neither of them are backing away, aware of the knowledge that this isn't a farewell, just a good and proper confrontation.
"Cut the shit," he hisses, "what the fuck are you doing?"
"I was going to turn in for the night. But now I'm talking to you. If you'd like a full report of the day, you'll have to give me some time to write it up."
"(F/N)." Levi growls her name. A warning. A stark difference to the times he'd pleaded and teased her.
Her gaze doesn't soften in the slightest. "I'm not sure what you want to know."
What he wants to know? Maybe why the fuck she's throwing her whole life away? There has to be a reason. She's not nearly as impulsive as she appears at first sight. No one makes this kind of choice without thinking about the consequences. Most people do it out of either necessity or goodwill. Nothing in her life suggests she did it out of necessity. So if this is goodwill, Levi would rather she turn into the worst person in the world than take this course of action.
"If this is some stupid romantic gesture," he spats, hoping she hears the venom in his tone, "then I don't want it. Your feelings shouldn't be clouding your decisions, I thought you were smarter than this -"
"Get over yourself," she cuts in, eyes narrowed, the polite mask finally slipping. "I didn't do it for you, and I don't expect us to rekindle our relationship. This has nothing to do with you, so just stay out of it."
Fuck. That had been a shot in the dark, yes, but a part of him had been hoping she would say that any lingering affection were the reasons behind her irrationality. He could have talked her out of it that way. It would have required hurting her, which wouldn't be easy, but he'd rather she hate him than ride outside those stupid walls and have the light snuffed out from her eyes.
Following a pregnant pause in the air, he speaks lowly. "There's an expedition in a few weeks. They're going to make you go, you know that, right?"
Her jaw sets irately. "Yes, after the sixth person telling me, I think the message finally sank in." She looks him straight in the eyes. "I know damn well what I've just gotten myself into. I don't need your coddling, Captain. I'm not a cadet anymore, and you are no longer my personal trainer. So please, kindly back off."
Clearly, she means both literally and figuratively. Levi takes one step back, but he doesn't dismiss her, not yet. They've established that her foolish decision has nothing to do with their ill-timed affair, and that she's conscious of what this entails. But...he'd known that already, much as he'd like to kid himself. And it's clear that she has no plans to tell him what her actual reasons are. Only one question still hangs in the air.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he whispers, not caring how pathetic he sounds for a single second.
For the first time since he brought her in, (F/N) averts her eyes, staring at the ground, abashed. Her voice drops an octave, like she doesn't want to answer out of fear that her answer isn't the right one.
"Same as before. I thought you'd try to talk me out of it." Her hands curl into fists. "I thought I would listen."
Levi turns away from her, now focusing all his attention on the eggshell colored walls behind his desk. "Get out," he says flatly.
Out of the corner of his eye, he sees her salute respectfully before she walks away, not as much as a slight hesitation in her step as she opens and closes the door, leaving him alone with his thoughts.
Really, what had he been expecting? That she'd kiss him again, admit she'd made a mistake and then transfer back? Had he expected her to cup his cheek and lovingly tell him this was all one big prank? He can't believe how stupid he's allowed himself to become when it comes to this woman. He can't afford to be stupid. There's too many people counting on him.
Levi resolves that on the upcoming expedition, he's going to fall back on what he's supposed to do - look after his squad and give the right orders, follow Erwin's lead, and slice titans open like sheets of paper. He can't focus on her - it's not his place to be worried about her. The farewell they'd shared at the top of the wall hadn't been the goodbye he thought it was, but it was still the end of everything they'd shared. He has to honor that. Has to trust that she can handle it.
And if she ends up dying, then he'll just have to deal with that too. It's too late to have regrets now. (F/N) is not his responsibility and she obviously has no desire to be, so he's going to respect that and shove her out of his mind entirely. And if that fucking kills him inside, so be it.
Unnervingly, there is not a single noise coming from anywhere in the base. You've kept your ears peeled for an hour now, and all you can hear are the soft snores of the other two girls in the room. Aside from a creak here and there, the hall outside is completely silent, adding on to the nerves that you're trying desperately to soothe.
Your first expedition is tomorrow.
In a few short hours it'll be morning and you will ride outside Wall Rose into titan territory.
All you can think of are how they look from above, large and invincible. There's a weak spot, sure, just one that's several meters high and always out of reach. You attempt to remember everything you ever learned in the Training Corp - the titans had been dummies then, but you'd been relatively good at killing those dummies. Second place in the ranks, you're no weakling.
Somehow you doubt that the titans will care where you placed. Still, it's the only comforting thought you have to fall back on, the only reasonable thing to combat the gripping fear in your chest. It has a hold on you, and it'll drown you if you're not careful.
You don't want to die. You doubt many do. But it's specifically the idea of dying without meaning, without purpose, just thrown aside as collateral damage, that really turns the blood flowing through your veins into fiery ice. If you die tomorrow, you wonder who will bother remembering you.
Okay, that's not fair. You have friends. Plenty of them. Close ones too. Ricky and Stephen would remember you. Millie would grieve deeply if you were to get eaten. Perhaps your mother might finally break her cold demeanor just to give you a proper funeral. And maybe he would miss you too.
You know, he-who-shall-not-be-named, the one whose door you want to knock on and fall into his embrace, to beg him to reassure you that everything will be fine, and to stay in his arms until some semblance of safety returns to you. Even if the two of you were on speaking terms, you know that these wishful thoughts have little root in reality. Levi never embraced you, never tugged you close at night. You don't hold it against him, it's a feeling you might have gotten addicted to way too quickly, so he made the right choice. Whatever he'd been willing to share with you was all you needed.
Despite that, you'd always felt colder the nights you saw him press against the opposite end of the bed, the distance between you two unbearably uncrossable. Some cold would be preferable right now, actually. You're not sure whether it's the nerves or if the bed is just that stifling, but the heat is becoming intolerable, and with that discomfort realized you stand up and make your way out.
A glass of cold milk, that's what you need. Your favorite drink should do wonders to calm you down and put you to sleep. Or at least you hope so.
As you trot to the kitchens, the nakedness of the empty hall causes shivers to go down your back. The chill in the air radiates the fear that is plaguing everyone, or maybe it's just you. Everyone must fear the titans a little, right? They're monsters. They're scary. It makes sense to fear them. So why do you feel so weak? Like a helpless little girl? You haven't been helpless in a long time, so why...why…
The sound of footsteps break your line of thought, bringing your attention to the kitchen doors in front of you. You grimace, opening the door a bit just to peek inside. When you see bright red hair, your shoulders sag and you relax.
"Couldn't sleep either?" Stephen questions, stirring a mug of what you assume is kale juice from its violently green hue. You shake your head wordlessly, and he beckons you forward, taking out a carton of milk to pour into another cup. A rush of affection wells up inside you as you watch him.
On the counter, Stephen's notebook lies open. The page is flipped open to a nearly finished drawing of a woman who is sporting a wide smile. Under the page the name Lily is scrawled hastily.
You tap on the notebook to catch his attention. Once you have it, you raise a brow.
"Shut up," Stephen mumbles, cheeks reddening to match the shade of his hair, "I don't find every person I draw attractive."
"I know that much. You drew me, remember?"
He gives you an odd look, but doesn't comment. Instead he passes you the cup of milk and you gratefully take a long sip, letting out an exhausted sigh afterwards. Eventually, you and him sink to the floor against the cabinets next to each other, slurping your respective drinks until you're both holding empty mugs.
"Don't feel pressured to do anything crazy, or pull any cool stunts," Stephen says out of nowhere, "always be ready to shoot off a signal flare. You must have memorized the commander's long distance formation by now, so just remember to stick with it. Don't separate from your group. Listen to your group leader. You're going to be with Ricky's team, right?"
"Yeah." Your fingernails suddenly look very interesting. "Not like he wants to talk to me right now." Seems everyone is peeved at you lately.
"I think he was just shocked. No one expected you to join. And you didn't tell anyone either. You can't blame him for being worried, right?"
"Why is everyone worried about me?" you blurt angrily, fists clenching. Stephen doesn't ask who everyone is. "I ranked higher than both of you! You're only one expedition more experienced than I am. So what about me makes you all think that I'm so weak?"
He looks at you in surprise. "It's not that we think you're weak. I've never thought that, neither has Ricky." He chuckles to himself, and then prods your shoulder to get you to look at him. "It's just, you're everyone's happy person, (F/N). Don't you know that? No one really wants to see you lose your smile."
That makes you feel even more irritated. "So what, I'm just some fragile little bird that needs to be protected?"
"That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying Ricky thinks of you like his sister, and he never wants to see you upset. We don't think you need protection, we just...prefer to see you happy."
You cross your arms, feeling guilty and mad and frightened all at once. Of course Ricky thinks of you as such, you've known that for a long time. "Well, I'm not his sister. And I can do whatever I want."
"Of course. That's what I told him too."
Your head whips to the side, meeting pretty emerald eyes. "You...support me joining?"
"Truthfully, (F/N)." Stephen leans his head back, offering you an earnest grin. "I feel much safer knowing you'll be out there. I think you're going to be great."
When you hug him, then, he doesn't move for a few seconds, taken aback by the unexpected action. You find solace in his embrace as he curls his arms around you, holding you against his chest. He strokes your hair gently, burying his face in your hair.
He believes in you. He doesn't think you're weak. And for now, that's all you need.
After the sixth time checking your saddlebag to confirm it has everything it's supposed to have, you're finally confident enough to mount your horse. A beautiful Andalusian, he lets you on with no hesitancy, trained to stand proud and strong and ride quickly and precisely. Next to you, the rest of your group waits patiently for the order to move into line behind the gate.
Henry Davies, the group leader and the man you'll be getting your direct orders from. Luciana Romano, a tall messy-haired woman who hasn't spoken to anyone yet. Sonia Carter, a much shorter woman who had shared pleasantries with you over the quick breakfast you'd had this morning. Ricky Belle, one of your best friends. And you, (F/N) (L/N). You have no idea how to feel about this little squad, but for the most part everyone looks like they know what they're doing. You hope you exude that same confidence too, even if you don't really feel it for yourself.
Loud galloping sounds by your position, and then someone - Major Hange - is riding up to the five of you. "Commander says to fall in formation!" she sings merrily to Henry. Her cheeriness makes you feel a little lighter, especially when she looks at you specifically and says, "All good, (F/N)?"
You had no idea that she even knew your name. Still, you nod with what is hopefully an assured look. Whether or not she believes in your carefully poised facade, she offers you an affirmative nod in return and then rides off. Henry straightens on his horse, raising his voice as he speaks to all of you.
"Now, I want you all back alive! Understood?"
No one can really promise something like that, and yet you all echo a chorus of, "Understood!" back at him. He looks satisfied, ordering you to ride to the gate behind him before he gallops forward. Sonia and Luciana go after him, and you're about to promptly follow when Ricky grabs your arm. Then he does something he's never done before, and leans over to drop a kiss on your forehead.
"Good luck, twerp."
You smile at him weakly. Try to show him you're not afraid. "Thanks."
The two of you catch up quickly, and all too soon you're in the crowd with all the other Scouts, now as a member of them. Hair in a tight bun, shoulders tensed, eyes focused, you're a soldier, awaiting your commander's orders.
The gate starts to rise. From your position near the back of the cohorts, you spot raven hair several horses ahead, but quickly tear your eyes away, choosing to look at the wall taking up your line of vision.
When Erwin shouts out his command, everyone listens. You may not be particularly fond of the man, but you think you'd obey his orders in a battle any day.
"Today, we take one more step forward! Today, soldiers, I ask that you give me your hearts and your souls, and you give your all to humanity! The fiftieth expedition to take back the land outside the walls starts now! Scouts, move out!"
Cries of encouragement, terror and bravery sound around you as you lean forward, take the reins, and advance.
The wind rushes through your hair and hooves stomp loudly beneath you. You ride until you're covered in darkness, only to emerge in the light once more. Nothing inherently changes - the weather is the same, the sun doesn't grow any dimmer. And yet you're struck by how wildly unfamiliar it feels. It shouldn't seem this strange, you've rode through these gates before. You've been on this land before. Hell, you spent at least a year here before the fall of Wall Maria. This isn't a foreign country.
You spur your horse forward, gripping onto the reins so tightly your knuckles turn white. This is yours. You will not feel alienated in an area that humanity has staked its claim on first. Fuck the titans, they can find some other place to terrorize. You're a part of the Scouting Regiment now, and you're going to help them take it back.
The first time you see a titan up close, you manage to keep your cool.
Henry shouts for Sonia to signal the others. The creature is slow, struggling to emerge from the rubble it's caught in, the residue from a house that it no doubt fell on, stopping it from getting too far. It must not have emerged in time for the people on the front lines to see it, giving you a front view seat since no one gave the call to reroute. Sonia raises her flare gun and fires a red smoke signal that rings through the air loudly.
Your eyes are fixed on the titan, and for a second it looks back at you. Its eyes are wild as its jaw opens and closes furiously, silently asking why you won't just give in and let yourself be eaten. As your heart pounds, the area around the titan becomes more clear. Piles of wood. Two lanterns crushed and strewn to the side. This had been someone's home.
The titan's beady eyes give you no indication that it understands why your lip curls in disgust.
When you look up, there's green smoke joining all the bouts of red, and your group rotates appropriately.
Three hours of riding later, and the regiment finally stops at an abandoned city. The order is given to let the horses rest for a bit before you can continue onwards. There is a crick in your neck that doesn't go away even when you dismount.
So far, there hasn't been anything to damper the mission. Everyone is in high spirits. Of course, that is due in part to you not having quite reached the parts of territory that the titans have completely taken over and in part to the commander's genius formation. The village looks to be void of man-eaters, but caution is still advised, naturally.
Closer to the center of the village, all the special operations squad leaders discuss what to do next. Erwin talks directly to Mike, Levi and Hange as their respective squads stand watch. For your part, you stroke your horse's fur gently. Not that it's the time to be thinking about what to name him, but your mind wanders nonetheless. After hours of tense riding, it's relieving to be able to have this.
Ricky clearly shares your thoughts, since he makes small talk with Sonia a few feet away. Henry munches on an apple from his bag. Luciana loads the crates that you had gathered from an old storage unit a couple of minutes ago onto one of the cargo wagons. Everyone's posture shows that they're prepared to fight if necessary, but are hopeful that it won't come to pass. Their faith soothes you too.
As you go to help Luciana with the boxes, you hear her muttering to herself about utter idiots and so forth. The woman isn't looking for a conversation, but you offer her one nonetheless.
"Something wrong?" You take the heavy crate from her hands, dropping in on the wagon.
"Push it back to make room. Nothing's wrong - not yet, anyways. Just wondering why we have to stop just so that Commander Erwin can have a tea party."
You frown. "They have to plan, don't they? And the horses need rest."
"They can go on a bit longer. At any rate, it's not a good idea to have everyone in one place like this." She huffs through her nose, setting the last box down. "I know it's temporary, but we shouldn't be stopping at all."
There isn't much you can do besides take her word for it. A packed gathering is sure to attract titans, yes, but the higher-ups know that, which means this pit stop must be necessary, worth the risk. Besides, even if a few titans break through the ranks, people will see and be able to stop them in time. At least you want to believe so. A bubble of hope is rising in you, as much as you tell yourself that it shouldn't.
In fact, the day is almost a nice one.
And then, in a flash, it isn't.
You catch it right before it happens - out of the corner of your eye you see Section Commander Mike's head shoot up. He sniffs the air like a bloodhound, and his sharp eyes turn both ways before he shouts, "Two abnormals, heading this way!"
Right after his declaration, the ground starts shaking. And then you see it.
Dangerously close to you, a titan comes charging at full speed. There isn't any time to think, to strategize, or even to fear. It's making a break for the center where the most important people in the Scouting Legion are, and your group is the closest.
"Engage it!" Henry screams.
Your cables fire without a moment's hesitation. In an instant you're up in the air, swords out as you land on the roof of a building. Eyes zeroed in on your target, your hands don't shake. You don't tremble. You grit your teeth and plant your feet. It isn't getting to the special operation squads. Not if you can help it.
Sonia and Ricky both dive down to go for the titan's legs. With how fast it's going, they're both only able to give it small knicks on the ankles. Shit. You start running, mind racing a mile a minute. The nape the nape the nape, you have to get to the nape. On the roof across from yours, Luciana roars for everyone to get away.
She fires her hook into the wall directly in front of the titan. But it's an abnormal, it's not going to have any eyes for her, unless she's trying to -
Fuck!
You vaguely hear Henry calling your name, shouting for you to stop as you leap off the building. You have no intention to stop, and you're certainly not going to let Luciana die in some stupid selfless suicide attempt.
In two practiced motions, with trained muscles, you slice her wire open right before she can jump, causing her to scream furiously. You've rendered her gear useless, but if it just saved her life, then you don't give a single shit.
You don't have much time to care either.
The monster is upon you.
Before you can hit the ground, you fire your cables straight ahead, one into each of the titan's shoulders. In its haste, it probably considers you a fly in the ground as you let yourself be yanked right up into the air, past the titan's mouth, into the open sky. You wait less than a second and then twist your entire body around in midair like you'd done so many times before sparring with people.
But you miscalculated.
The titan's grubby hand reaches out, apparently not abnormal enough to deny food when it offers itself up on a silver platter.
You're going to be grabbed and that'll be it.
The end of you.
You're done.
Whizzing by you, Ricky moves faster than you thought he was capable. With a loud roar, he slices the titan's fingers clean off. The blade barely misses you. The titan retracts its hand, leaving its weak spot exposed.
Your path is wide open.
"Do it, (F/N)!"
Writhing around the titan's flailing arm, you connect your hook to the structure behind it, dive down and cut. Ten centimeters across, one meter down, the same as the dummies back in training.
The titan's nape is sliced open like a piece of meat, never to regenerate again.
Abruptly, as quickly as it began, the fight is over, and the creature topples down right as you roll onto the rooftop, skidding to a stop before you can crash.
Only now is it that your fingers tremble. The rush of the fight leaves you in a whoosh, the adrenaline giving way to the overwhelming relief that you're alive. You're alive. You didn't die, in fact you killed the threat. You did it.
A wide, ecstatic smile breaks out on your face. In a gleeful salute to Ricky, you cry out, "I killed it!" His expression mirrors yours, pride welling in his eyes. Turning, your eyes scan to find the next person you can brag to, the euphoria fueling your body to move on its own.
It's with that same wide grin that you witness your final look at Stephen as he is crushed between another titan's teeth.
.
.
.
Mike had said there were two abnormals.
.
.
.
Everything freezes around you. All you're aware of is someone grabbing you around the middle, restraining you as you scream. The image is violently burned inside your mind. Stephen's horrified face. The light leaving his eyes. The spattering of blood. The lack of acknowledgement in the monster's eyes. No. No.
Stephen isn't dead. How could he be dead, when you're not dead? He...he has more experience than you do. He was in the top ten of the 101st Cadet Corp. He's smart, skilled, clever. He can't - he couldn't possibly -
There is a scary, alarming cry that rings through the air, and it takes you a second to realize that it's coming from you.
"Let me go! Let me go - there's another one - let me go, it's going to kill him - no!"
The other man in the titan's grip is shoved unceremoniously into its mouth, and you scream again, thrashing this way and that.
"Get a grip," Henry hisses into your ear - it's only then that you realize he's the one holding onto you so tightly. But how can you get a grip when Stephen - when he just -
When he just died?
A brown haired girl comes up behind the titan and strikes it down. Like it was never there at all, it falls flat on its stomach, but Stephen doesn't reappear. The kill doesn't bring him back. Bile rises in your throat.
You clamp a hand over your mouth, moaning out a shaky, "Oh God." Henry releases you immediately as a queasy feeling bubbles up inside you. The sight of the blood pooling by the titan's mouth is too much. Doubling over on the roof, you empty the contents of your stomach on the tiles below. What little you had had to eat for breakfast leaves your body until you're a shaking mess.
Sonia catches you before you can stumble, worry evident on her face. "Stay with me, (F/N), okay? We have to be alert. There may be more where those came from."
More? Wasn't this enough? Wasn't this the end of the world? You don't think you can handle more.
A wretched sob sounds from down below. Helplessly, your gaze falls on Ricky, who is breaking down, with a stream of tears openly flowing down his cheeks.
You'd done this to protect him. To protect both of them. How could you have failed?
You're not sure how long you stand there, chest heaving as your mind grows dizzy with nausea. Stephen is dead. Stephen is dead.
Somewhere, in some world, Erwin urgently gives the order for everyone to mount on their horses and move forward. As though nothing has happened. As though everything hadn't just got sent straight to hell.
Oh, Stephen. Your sweet, helpful, kindhearted friend, what had he ever done to deserve this?
You have no idea how you make it back onto your horse. You have no idea how you continue riding. You have no idea how you don't throw up again, even as things start taking a turn for the worse, and you see more and more people brutally meet their end, until Erwin decides that the Survey Corp must retreat. The two abnormals that had attacked the town had only been a precursor to a whole valley of them, hungrily awaiting the legion's arrival.
The fiftieth expedition outside the walls is, like all the others before it, declared a miserable failure.
As you're taken back to Wall Rose, one thought rings in your head, louder than all the others, perhaps the only coherent thought you can make out.
You'd been the one to convince Stephen to join the Scouts.
Everyone has gone to bed. There had been people who lagged behind, some who had even approached you to advise that you get up and get some rest.
They must think you so selfish. Many people lost someone today, so what gives you the right to sit in the mustiest corner of the Mess Hall and stare blankly at the wall while everyone else wearily has dinner? Stephen's death replays in your head again and again, yet you are keenly aware that others are experiencing the same horrors that you are. But still, you can't bring yourself to move from this spot, or go talk to Ricky, or start writing a letter to Millie to tell her what happened. Everything is numb. You can't feel anymore.
So when warm hands grasp you by the arms and guide you to stand, walk out of the mess hall and stride all the way across the base, you don't fight it. Your legs move on their own. Only the soft murmurs of, "Come on, (F/N), enough" keep you grounded and give you a hint as to what is happening. You barely even register that it isn't the female barracks that you're being led to.
You're carefully lowered down onto a bed. He squeezes your shoulder roughly, and that's all the comfort he can offer. Normally, anything he gives is more than enough for you, but today your selfishness overcomes you. Already you feel like a terrible person, so what's one more egocentric action? Nothing can make you feel worse than you already do.
Before he can leave, you reach out to grasp his hand and desperately plead, "Stay. Please don't leave me alone. Please stay, Levi."
And as he sits down, with not a single protest, you wonder how you'd ever brought yourself to be angry with him. His hand finds yours, and you clutch it in the dark, intertwining your fingers. You can't see a thing, but flashes of the expedition play on loop. Blood, death, destruction. Your absolute helplessness. How you couldn't even -
A hand covers your eyes, nudging your eyelids closed. "Enough," he says again, somehow knowing exactly what kind of demons you're being subjected to, "I'm staying, so go to sleep."
So you fall asleep, dreams shielded by the captain who dutifully watches you right up until the moment you lose all consciousness.
The mission had been terrible.
Granted, Levi has never been on a scouting expedition that wasn't terrible, but this one had been particularly nasty, especially towards the end. That was to be expected since it was their first outing in months, but shit, losing a good twenty five percent of their regiment is fucking nightmare fuel. As always, Nile and Zackly have some shit to say too. They've called Erwin in for a verbal beat down that will probably end the same way they all end.
He's not going to let the commander take that alone, so of course he'll go too. A good night's rest would have been a smart idea, but even if there wasn't a sleeping woman sprawled on the sheets, he can never relax enough to go to sleep after these voyages. So he sits behind his desk, a cup of black tea in his hands, and stares dully at the wall.
Levi faintly remembers talking to the redhead once or twice. He'd always been nervous and jittery around him. Sometimes he'd wondered how the two of them could be so close given her exuberant personality. The man hadn't deserved such a gruesome end, though. No one really did.
Now having seen countless people lose their innocence to this war, the dead look in her eyes last night wasn't surprising, but it was still painful to witness. The promise he'd made to himself not to worry only lasted until the expedition was over, and suddenly all he'd wanted to do was comfort her, somehow make the spark inside those eyes return. It seems like ages ago he'd told himself he'd never allow her to cry.
Well, that promise he hasn't broken because as far as he can tell, she hasn't cried. He'd taken notice of her before. She'd screamed, struggled, even thrown up. But she hadn't cried, not even when they came back. It surprises him, how her reaction can be so...well, mature isn't the right word for it - crying for people who have been taken from this world isn't childish by any means. But to some, her reaction might seem cold, to not shed tears for someone she supposedly cared about so much.
Levi doesn't think she's emotionless. How could he, when he's seen her happy and sad, angry and amused, nervous and determined? But she's not emotional, either.
To him, her reaction shows how strong she really is.
"Captain," comes a soft voice, from the side of the room.
He looks to the source of the sound, where his connected bedroom is. She stands by the doorframe in complete disarray, hair messy and bags under her eyes. She'd looked so tired earlier that he hadn't even bothered to ask if she wanted to get her nightgown.
Levi stands up as she walks towards him, exhaling gingerly. A few measly hours of sleep never really do anything to numb the pain. "Are you hungry? I can -"
The air is stolen right from his lungs when arms are wrapped around his waist and her face is pressed into his neck. No tears coat his skin, but her lashes tickle it ever so gently. His hands are frozen in midair as she hugs him tightly, hands clutching the back of his shirt in a search for comfort, comfort that he's nowhere near adequate enough to provide.
But if this is what she needs from him, then he can try his best. Slowly, he rests his hands on her back, letting out a sigh at how natural it feels. It shouldn't feel like this - no matter how intimate they've been together in the past, they'd never really been together like this. If it takes the haunted look from her eyes, though, he'll gladly start doing it on a regular basis.
That's assuming she chooses to stay after this.
(F/N) pulls away all too soon, staring at him with a guilt-ridded expression. "Sorry, I - I just...I need...shit, I don't know." Her gaze drops from his face down to the empty teacup. "Do you...want me to refill it for you?" The request is whispered, as an attempt to leave, as though she thinks she's a burden.
"No," he answers, voice steely.
"I won't make it, promise, one of the kitchen workers are probably up by now -"
"No," Levi says again, pulling her back into his arms and holding her there. She doesn't resist, but she does let out a shaky breath, bowing her head to rest her forehead against his shoulder. His lips press against her temple, not kissing her but letting her feel that he's there.
He still can't comprehend what possessed her. This is what he'd feared, that the flame inside her would be snuffed out in a single instant, never to be found again. Of course he can't be angry with her, not when she looks so broken, but the confusion remains within him. Her reasons are her own - technically, on paper, he's no one to her. She doesn't have to tell him anything. But he wishes she would, so he could cup her face and tell her why this had been unnecessary. How, as skilled as she is and how efficiently she'd succeeded in killing a titan, she didn't have to do any of this. Everyone who ever met her could see her work ethic and her talent. She didn't have to prove anything.
Her head tilts down as her eyes shut. "Thank you," she whispers, "I'm sorry."
And these four words she continues to whisper like a mantra, and he lets her, not knowing whether they're directed to him or the friend whose death she'd been forced to witness. Either way, he holds onto her tightly, and lets her drown in the inescapable sorrow.
Weeks go by. Life continues. Some semblance of normalcy always comes back, and this is no different. Eventually, Oluo starts flirting with Petra again and she starts rolling her eyes at his pick-up lines again. Laughs are heard around the base. People finish their meals. Erwin finds it in himself to chuckle at the dry comments thrown his way. Tearful, screaming relatives become scarce. Mike doesn't scowl everytime they sit down to eat and there aren't as many people as there had been before. Hange finally starts talking his ear off again, and Levi pretends like he doesn't enjoy it. The world seems to become colorful once more.
She starts to resemble her old self as well. They only talk here and there, usually "hello"s and "how are you"s in passing. Neither of them bring up the early morning after the expedition. Neither of them really find any reason to. Sometimes, she even cracks a smile in his direction.
But bright smiles have turned to polite ones. Shining eyes have become dim. Glowing expressions have been tamed down to mild ones.
It's times like these that he realizes the ridiculously unfair ways that the world finds to be this fucking cruel.
Lavender zinnias seem appropriate for the occasion.
You place them down, remaining on your knees even after they're set perfectly in place. Ricky stands behind you. Despite the hot summer air, he doesn't look warm at all in his suit. Lemon hair that is in major need of a haircut falls in his eyes as he bows his head. Your attention shifts to the stone in front of you.
Perhaps it's stupid. Mourning in front of a grave that doesn't even have a body.
Perhaps this whole thing is stupid. It sounds stupid if someone takes the time to properly think about it. Enemies surround humanity on every side, enemies that are significantly larger than them and that have an absurdly greater advantage when it comes to this war. It doesn't take a cynic to point out that the Survey Corp is fighting a losing battle.
But if that's the case, then it looks like you're just going to have to live with being on the losing side. Because you're not going anywhere, not this time. Your friend had believed in you, and you know that if it hadn't been for your actions that day, Luciana Romano would be dead, and someone else would be here, grieving besides you.
Something Levi told you once comes to the forefront of your mind. "I've learned that if I have regrets, I'll never be able to make any of these fucking deaths count," had been his exact words. Is that how you're meant to live too, with no regrets?
No.
You don't regret your decision, but if you let go of all regrets, how are you ever supposed to prevent something like this from happening again? You have to regret, to hurt, if you want to have any chance of moving forward. There is no turning back now. This is the path you're set on. Your path. Whatever regrets those come with, you'll accept them.
Standing and taking Ricky's arm, the two of you stand in silence for a few more minutes before he flicks your cheek and offers to buy you something to eat. You chance one last glance at the gravestone, memorizing the inscription and vowing privately to never forget it, before nodding and walking off arm in arm with him.
.
Stephen Hansen
827 - 847
An incredible person, amazing son, dedicated soldier and wonderful friend
i know this is a levi fic but i just wanted to say i am confident i could pull jean and i wanted to share that.
anyway bye stephen i'm certainly not going to miss you, but if any of my readers do, that's not my fault and i am not sorry
everybody ready for the last chapter?