AN - The last chapter was supposed to end with Hermione stalking off and Harry smirking in a very self satisfied way, because obviously he wanted her to get really competitive about the whole thing. But then I decided that his attempt would backfire on him horrendously and I got a better laugh out of it. Also I am unreasonably proud of that Tom Lehrer joke.

As some of you might have noticed this story is updated rarely and my other one hasn't been updated at all, I haven't forgotten about them, I just feel more obligation to work on a non fanfiction story… which I'm not planning to publish anywhere until it's finished, which is going to take who knows how long… My logic is impeccable.

As usual my braindead ass remains unaffiliated with anyone or anything that owns the rights to the Harry Potter Franchise.

I'm pretty sure I mentioned this before but if it's worth mentioning once it's worth mentioning every single time I put my fingers on a keyboard! I have decided to use the lazy Fanfiction trope of ITALICS! To represent thought, there are exceptions and I hope they're clear, but if they're not then I am sorry!

Chapter 4 - Supp… Super… Suppose…?

A timid knock on the door echoed through the otherwise silent room. Severus raised his head from this month's edition of Brewer's Weekly, (The name confused him, had for years) curious about who would want his attention this early on a Saturday. He glanced back at the article, he'd barely started, and honestly it wasn't all that good so far, just some drek on the properties of 'phlogiston' or some nonsense. It was hard to tell who wrote it, the quillmanship was atrocious, which indicated a muggleborn author, but at the same time the few words he could make out felt like they'd dribbled out of a distinctly pureblood lexicon. It was… well it wasn't a mystery, that would imply it was worth solving, it was… ah, it was a waste of time. He looked at the door.

The knock repeated itself.

Ah what the hell, the article isn't going anywhere, or getting any more interesting. With a shrug he called, "Enter."

At his call the door slowly creaked open and a slim figure with downcast eyes crept through the partially open portal. This particular figure dispelled his boredom quite effectively.

Nothing about Potter was ever boring.

Severus waited for the boy to raise his head and make eye contact, as was his custom, making eye contact, not staring at his shoes. This lack of confidence was unusual, hmm, no, confidence wasn't the right word, but rather a lack of understanding of how the social order worked, yes that fit the boy's demeanour better. Which begged the question, WTF mate? After nearly a minute of waiting Severus gave up.

"Well Mister Potter, what brings you to my office this fine Saturday morning?" He asked neutrally.

Without moving the boy said quietly, "I've made a terrible mistake."

Severus couldn't help but tilt his head in interest at the boy's cryptic statement, maybe Potter would elaborate minimal prompting, "Oh?" he asked.

The boy finally looked up and met Professor Snape's eyes for the barest of moments and said, "Um, yes Professor, you see, I, er, that is…" he trailed off lamely, and ended up once again studying his shoelaces.

Evidently not… Severus sighed mentally (he would never be caught doing something so gauche as sighing out loud) even the brightest minds needed prompting from time to time, his mother was much the same, he said, "Maybe you should start by telling me what you've done."

The boy said quietly, "I Insulted Hermione Granger's intelligence."

Oh? That sounded like a terrible idea, what could have possibly motivated that decision? That sounded like the sort of stupid thing a boy with- a shiver ran down Severus' spine -a crush might do. To clarify he asked, "The Muggleborn girl whom all of my colleagues are," With varying degrees of annoyance, "hailing as a genius?"

The boy nodded and Severus' hand came up to rub at the bridge of his nose, "And what in the name of merlin possessed you to do that?" he asked, hoping desperately this wasn't going to result in a Talk.

"Well sir, I did it because she's more intelligent than I am," He paused for a second to add emphasis to his next word, "buuuuut she's got all the creativity of a garden variety Malfoy."

Severus' lips twitched traitorously at the idea of Draco's face if he ever heard that sentence, Potter continued while Severus tried to fight off a laugh, "Just replace 'My Father' with 'Well muggles can,' and you'd be hard pressed to tell them apart without close inspection. Ahem, anyway, I was hoping to convince her to… I don't know, be more creative maybe? Expand her repertoire? You know, get her to come up with weird ways to do magic just to one up me."

"I see," he didn't, he really didn't, "and why did you not simply ask her?"

The boy looked at him completely aghast, and with the slightest hint of disappointment, the older man found the idea of a child being disappointed in him deeply offensive and thus chose to believe that the look on the boy's face was in fact astonishment, because obviously the child's incomprehensible thought processes hadn't thought of such a simple solution, Potter blurted, "Because making people think it was their idea to do whatever I wanted is so much more fun!"

"I see," he did, he really did, "Well then little schemer, now that we have covered what you did and what you hoped to achieve by doing so," Thank Merlin I was wrong about that! "I feel compelled to ask you this, what went wrong?"

Potter shivered violently and paled. After a long moment he seemed to come back to himself, he turned away slightly and said with a- what was that muggle expression? Ah yes -a three thousand foot surveyance, "Everything."

That was… uncomfortably ominous, Snape cleared his throat and said, "That is neither particularly descriptive nor helpful. Perhaps you could tell me if you managed to achieve what you wanted then?"

The expression on his face somehow became even more grave, It would make a fine headstone, his face still so pale might as well have been chiseled from quartz for all the blood left in it, he said hollowly, "I have gazed into the abyss and it returned my stare, a thousand fold as intense. It had a face… no, it wore a face. A visage twisted with madness and cruelty… and hair… so much hair… how does it poof out like that? HOW!?"

Severus looked at the child and a cold, wet, fishy dread began creeping through him. Then he remembered Cthulhu was still very much Fhtagn in R'lyeh and the wet fishiness faded, leaving him with a much more pleasant cold dread.

It would seem my snakes need to be warned to avoid truly offending Miss Granger, lest they end up like Mister Potter… those who can still be saved anyway. That does raise the question, how do I explain to Lucius that he should think about trying for a new heir? …Nevermind that's a bridge too far, best not cross it until I have to. Back to the matter at hand…

The boy was still staring vacantly for a distance of five hundred fathoms, his face was so hard it looked like it might well have been chiseled on, Surely it isn't natural for someone to look like that? A 'stony expression' is supposed to be just an… expression. Ugh, thinking the same word more than once in a single thought, the shame. Ah! Nope it's not an 'expression' it's a turn of phrase! So there! A stony turn of- wait a second… Nevermind, have I stored the Gorgon's eyes properly? Severus made to stand but quickly thought better of it, I'll just leave that be for the moment, if there's something wrong then there's no reason for both of us to suffer the effects now is there?

I suppose it's time we get on to the heart of the matter, what to do about mister Potter's problem. An old memory rose to the surface, it brought with it a crooked smile, which it dropped right onto Severus' face, it probably won't help the boy but… His smile turned a bit cruel. It'll certainly amuse me.

He tented his fingers and leaned back in his chair, "Let me tell you a story from my own time as a student."

He waited until the boy appeared to be listening, it took a moment before the statuesque face turned his way and Severus almost swore the act of turning was accompanied by the sound of stone grinding on stone, he brushed it off as imagined hyperbole and began his tale, "I was in my third year here, and I, much like you, had a female Gryffindor as a friend, you have no proof of that statement and you never will so don't tell anyone! Ahem, and my friend, much like your Miss Granger, was far and away the most intelligent student in our year… However, unlike my friend, Miss Granger is a dunderhead."

One at a time each scene came to mind, describing so clearly the sequence of events it was as if he was standing there watching it happen all over again, "One day another student in our year, who happened to be both one of her housemates, and a werewolf, decided to do as you did and insult my friend's intelligence. I can't recall what he said nor the reason why he did so, but I can vividly recall what she did to him."

The boy's expression softened slightly, from granite to slate, it turned about the same colour too. I wonder if he would notice If I poked him… Severus quickly discarded the absurd thought, for now, and continued telling his story, "Now, I can't recall everything that happened but I can provide the three most important details; firstly I recall hearing her mention solutions of liquidus argenti. Secondly I know that she was researching a muggle device. It was… a… healing tool, I believe? Called a sup... erm, super? No, it had the syllable 'pos' in it somewhere… S-"

He suddenly interrupted himself, waving his hand dismissively, "Nevermind, it isn't important, not truly. However the third piece of information I can recall, the one that does matter, the one that I have burned into my mind down to the last excruciating detail," He pictured the scene, it came to mind so quickly and so clearly it was as though he'd been picturing it at least once a week for more than fifteen years, he got so caught up in the memory he let out a delighted, and slightly maniacal, laugh that interrupted his retelling.

Without acknowledging his insane laughter, or a notable response from the boy except more stone grinding on stone sounds… note to self, ask Poppy to have a look at his neck, that sounds painful, he continued sharing one of his most treasured memories, "One day my friend came down to breakfast with the most evil smile I have ever seen," He sighed wistfully, "I've been face to face with many evil people, truly evil people, and I swear to you Mister Potter, never has anyone come even close to the unrestrained, almost gleeful, malice that was so clear on her face."

The next step of the memory played in his head and he described it to the boy, "I recall walking to her table and asking her what she seemed so pleased about, she just smiled and said, 'You'll see.' I was about to ask her how long it would I would have to wait, when the ma-" he cleared his throat as though something has caught in it unexpectedly, "Ahem, moron and his friends came into the great hall, they approached the Gryffindor table and sat down, presumably to have breakfast. They weren't very far from us as they tended to sit near my friend, one of them was rather obsessed with her, and that one was about to say something, when my friend cut him off and said, 'Hello Romulus Dogboy,'"

Severus chuckled and mumbled, "Ah, that still makes me laugh, the boy's name was Remus, and Romulus…" the boy's visage remained hard and emotionless as the walls of the castle, causing him to trail off awkwardly, "Nevermind, you obviously don't get it. 'Dogboy' was a running joke about his surname. Ah, that's right you don't know his surname, it was Lupin just to be clear."

Potter's face continued to be utterly impassive. I never said it was a particularly witty joke but you could at least pretend to smile, kid, he cleared his throat again and continued his story, "Anyway, he was going to respond, likely to correct her, but my friend kept going, 'How are you this morning? Good? Good! I'm happy to hear it! I have a question since you're so much smarter than I am. See, I've been trying to get a solution of liquidus argenti inside- you know what liquidus argenti is right? Oh good, I can tell by the look on your face that you know exactly what I'm talking about. Anyway, my question is, I think I've figured out how to do what I wanted, would you mind giving me a hand to test it? Since you're oh so much smarter than I am, you should be able to tell me anything I've done wrong.'"

Severus sighed and chuckled again, "Maybe there's a patina of fondness from years of nostalgia but I swear she managed to say that in a single breath." He wisely decided to ignore Potter at this point.

His smile widened into a full grin as he continued, "She removed a rather large capsule filled with silver liquid from her pocket and showed it to him, she told him, 'You see Romulus, the problem I'm having is that I need to ensure this capsule will last long enough to deliver the liquidus argenti where I want it, when I want it there.' then she held it out to him, oh the look on his face was, ah I can't describe it, somehow he looked proud as a peacock and like he'd taken a bite out of a lemon at the same time, it was magnificent."

With a happy sigh he detailed the next event in his memory, "He reached for the capsule, I assume he wanted to examine it more closely, but the moment his fingers touched it there was a flash and it vanished. He stiffened so fast it was almost like he'd been hit with a spell, he made a sort of strangled squeak and he looked so shocked, it took a second for the shock to wear off but when it did he left the great hall as fast as his stiff legs would carry him. His three… companions got up and tried demanding answers from my friend, but she just smiled that same evil smile without saying a word. Once again, maybe my attachment to this particular memory is adding details that were not present in reality but I truly believe that there was a good deal of satisfaction mixed in with her cruelty."

He shook his head and said with pride, "The three of them barely lasted a few seconds against that smile, to be frank I was more than a little afraid of it myself, they broke rank and chased after the werewolf. I can barely remember much more than that as I was laughing too hard at them finally getting some measure of comeuppance."

"Ah," Severus leaned back into his chair and said, "I have no idea what she did and she wouldn't tell me, but the werewolf couldn't sit down for more than a month after that incident and he never insulted my friend again." Severus ended his story with a fond smile.

When he returned from the past he met the Potter child's empty stare, eye to… um, eye?, "It may be that my story is of no use to you, in which case a curious young mind such as yours would do well to remember that Hogwarts is a vast repositor… y… That was it! The muggle healing tool is called a suppository!"

A harsh crack rebounded off the walls and Severus had no idea where it came from until he saw that Potter's mouth had opened just a tiny bit. Slowly, so slowly it felt akin to watching the continents split, the boy's lips parted further, a fraction of a centimetre at first, but as life returned to his face it contorted more quickly, not in mirth as Severus had expected but in unbridled horror.

Without so much as a 'by your leave' the boy turned around and stumbled through the door. As the dazed boy departed from the office he left Severus wondering at his parting words, "But I didn't want that telescope anywhere near my heinous…"

Ending AN -

I was rereading this after a while and I stumbled across the bit where I subbed 'three thousand foot surveyance' for 'Thousand yard stare' and it surprised me so much I laughed for like a minute.

Anyway I hope you enjoyed this, I'm not sure what the next chapter will be but I have a vague idea of Harry apologizing to Hermione. I think that should wait one more chapter though.