Let there be stars and let there be you,
Let there be monsters, let there be pain,
Let us begin to live again.
Ryouga woke to something tickling his nose and blinked bleary and faintly-hungover eyes. Hair. It was hair tickling him. Small, strong arms were wrapped around his, plunging his wrist into what could only be a very female chest.
He swallowed then looked down past the red hair. He was still fully clothed. Experimentally he tried breaking the hold Ranko had on his arm.
He couldn't budge and he had to content himself to lie there while she snored at him. He sighed and tried to think about cold things. He was terrified she'd wake up and feel him getting excited. Her thigh was in a particularly sensitive area and it was the morning.
Ranko made a groaning noise and smacked her lips. "Uuuuuugh. Mouth tastes like dead rat." She moaned and opened her eyes, shutting them immediately from the glare. "I ain't never drinkin' again." She shuddered against him. "Then 'gain, said that last time. S'fun when you're doin' it though."
Her eyes opened again, and she looked at him a moment evenly. "You aright there, Ryouga?" He nodded. She shifted uncomfortably and moved slightly away, relieving him of pressure on certain sensitive areas. "Ah, sorry. Yeah you were poikin' me a bit."
"Sorry!" He said, nervously and she shrugged, letting go of his arms so he could have his hand back.
"Eh, s'jus' mornin' wood, Ryouga. I know what it's like." Ranko sat up on the bed and stared at him a moment as he sat up too, though he winced and felt stiff from the awkward position he'd been sleeping in. He cast a glance at her face and tried not to smile. "…I fell asleep in my makeup, didn't I?" He nodded, trying not to laugh. "I look like Pop after a cold bath, right?"
He nodded and she sighed, rolling off the bed and standing up, then wincing. "Fuck, it's too bright this mornin'." She complained. "Hey, you wanna get some rest, Ryouga, be my guest, I'm grabbing a shower." She looked over her shoulder and laughed. "Don't come in unless you wanna join."
He just looked confused and she sighed. "Get some sleep or something, I need you awake to tease you."
Ryouga gladly did so and only woke a little while later because of needing to go to the toilet. He followed the lines of string set down apparently by Nabiki and stopped outside the bathroom. He couldn't hear anyone inside it, and he wasn't sure how long he'd been sleeping for, so he opened the door confidently.
Only to be stopped in front of a surprised and very naked Ranko, who just eyed him a moment. He expected to be punted, or malleted or even yelled at for his trespass.
Instead she broke down laughing, full rich belly laughs like she'd used to. "Oh my GAWD Ryouga, that brought me some fuckin' flashbacks!" She chortled after she'd finally calmed down and wrapped herself in a towel. "About had one to the time I met Akane in my cursed form."
Ryouga had been confused but after a moment he saw the funny side. "Akane would've malleted either of us."
Ranko wiped tears from her eyes and chuckled. "Yeah well, like I said last night, I ain't 'Kane. I don't mind you sneakin' a peek, if it's an accident or I'm showin' the goods off. Heavens know I've had my share of mishaps." She laughed again, Ryouga decided he liked hearing her laugh more freely. "I'll try to reduce how much I wander my room naked, might save you the blood loss."
Standing up, she tugged on her towel to make sure it was secure and patted his arm on the way out. "Long as it's an accident no one gets hurt, but you go peepin' on purpose on me, or heaven forbid, Nabs, you're in for a world of hurt." She smiled to try to take the sting out. "Not that I think you will, you're pretty decent, nuzzling-sessions-in-Akane's-cleavage aside. I'll let you take a piss and have a shower, I've gotta get ready for a photoshoot." She made a face and walked out, shutting the door behind her.
Ryouga sighed and went about his morning business. He thought to go and get his pack for some clean clothes when he noticed a folded pile with his name on it. Looking at them they were his signature style, but better made and brand new. They looked pretty decent and he wondered who'd got them for him – Ranko or Nabiki.
Ryouga emerged from the bathroom in his clean clothes and hair dripping a while later to find Ranko sitting on a couch with Nabiki putting makeup on her face. The redhead was dressed in a slinky cheongsam again, and he remembered how she'd always wear Chinese silk clothes before. Obviously some things hadn't changed even if they were far more feminine versions of the attire.
Nabiki nodded to him as she concentrated and Ranko just sat there. Once Nabiki had finished, Ranko stretched and unpinned her hair from the single bun it had been in for convenience and let the red curls spill down her back. Ryouga blinked.
"I never knew your hair was curled in that form."
Ranko grinned. "Eh, it's more ringleted and we used some stuff to make it a touch curlier. Also you only ever saw me with it in a braid." She sighed happily as Nabiki fetched a brush and started running it through her hair. "Glad to see you found the clothes." She said, looking him over in approval.
"Wasn't hard to source some good quality versions of what he wears, though if you're planning on bringing him to the lounge tonight for more drinks I think we'd better get him into a suit at some point." Nabiki muttered. "Took a lot of fast talking last night to get you in, you know?"
Ryouga nodded. "I can wear a suit." He said. "I'm interested in hearing all about how you became… as you are. You're uh, very different."
"So're you, in a lot of ways Ryouga. You're way more mature in some. Still get nosebleeds and stammering when you see a girl though." Ranko grinned at him. "It's real sweet."
"S-sorry about earlier." He said. She shrugged.
"Accident. It happens. Used to happen to me with annoying regularity."
Nabiki laughed. "At least that's not too problematic anymore, huh?"
"Got that right, Nabs." Ranko leaned back as Nabiki put a set of hairpins in, then stepped around to look at her critically. "I mean 'Kane'd call me a pervert for yanno, normal shit like bathing with women and stuff but she's the most repressed person I've ever met."
Nabiki went back behind Ranko and started fiddling with the pins again until she was satisfied. "I think we're done. Photoshoot's on the deck now, better get to it. Breakfast first though."
Ranko stood up and nodded. "Let's go." She said. And before his eyes she subtly changed. Her stance morphed from the feminine but relaxed one she'd been using all morning into a sharp, ladylike step. Her entire demeanour changed until he was certain he was looking at someone else. It threw him for a moment before he shook himself. Ranko had always had a thing for acting at times.
Ryouga watched as Ranko ate. And ate. And ate. She ate daintily, perfectly politely and yet the food still kept disappearing. He couldn't catch any of the food vanishing and whenever he looked, she was still eating with impeccable manners. It was infuriating, and he knew she was aware of it judging by the smirking that she kept casting to him. Nabiki just ate like any normal person, minus the food vanishing into thin air when he wasn't looking.
"So, let me finish my story about thinking, then later on I'll tell you the aftermath when I went to Nabs at the end of it. This bit's pretty short."
"Felt like forever to me. You weren't trying to steer the madness." Nabiki shrugged and took a long drink of her coffee.
Ryouga kept eating his food as Ranko laughed.
"Yeah. I don't think 'Kane knew what the hell was going on. Confusing her seemed to completely trip her anger issues to off. This one time she caught me in the furo…"
Akane walked in on Ranma sitting fully clothed near the furo after finding him missing from the rest of the house. She'd not taken her own clothes off as she was looking for the sticker from one of her bottles of conditioner and she was positive she'd accidentally dragged it into there.
Walking in on each other had happened a couple of times before with them both being unclothed, even recently. But rather than punting him to orbit, she'd just apologised and closed the door, bright red but not wanting to disturb their peace. Ranma had reacted like she'd been about to hit him the times he'd walked in on her, but all she did was sigh and close the shouji, leaving him to shout a quick apology. His reaction had ashamed her a little for some reason and she'd been thinking recently how nice it had been that they'd not argued so much.
Anyone with half a brain could tell something was going through Ranma's mind. She wasn't sure what. He'd grown quiet, withdrawn over the last couple of weeks. Was it something Nabiki had done?
She thought a moment. No. Nabiki and Ranma had… almost been getting on. And that was weird – Ranma was getting on with most people. With him in this thoughtful state of mind, he didn't put his foot in his mouth nearly as often. Nor did his ego seem to be making him claim to be the best.
In fact, he was hardly talking at all. Just sitting there at night with his eyes closed and legs crossed, an expression of searching on his face.
She'd asked Kasumi, but her eldest sister had simply shrugged. "He's probably going through some things, trying to think about the last year. It's certainly been a busy one!" She'd said, and then refused to speculate more, citing that Ranma had little enough privacy as it was, and it was about time he got room to think.
Akane shook herself from the memories, but Ranma simply looked up at her and actually smiled. "Glad we're fully clothed here 'Kane. Don't wanna get punted." He said. "I'll be out in a bit, I'm just testing stuff."
Akane looked at him and nodded. "Alright. What's going on?" She folded her arms and leaned against the wall.
"What do you mean?" He looked shiftily from side to side and she balled her fists.
"Don't treat me like I'm stupid, Ranma, what's your plan?! You're always up to something when you get quiet like this!" She stopped as she saw a hurt look in his eyes. He clenched his fists and almost rose, but then stopped, deflating. She caught a look that she'd never seen in his eyes. A pained, miserable look. He schooled his features but the small glimpse she'd seen sent a hollow pit into her stomach.
"Yeah, usually, I guess." He admitted. "Not this time. I'm seeing how my different sides feel." He indicated the hot and cold water.
"Why?" She asked.
"I dunno, just workin' through some stuff, I guess. Plus, it makes sense, yanno?" She blinked.
"Oh, because you can practice better to compensate for the change?"
"Yeah, somethin' like that." He said. "You mind givin' me some privacy?"
"Oh… uh, sure." Akane walked to the door. She stopped. "Hey, Ranma?" She asked.
"Yeah, 'Kane?"
"When you've finished with whatever it is you've got planned… you think we could… try to keep it civil like we have recently?"
He smiled at her. "I'd like that, 'Kane. I think we'll always fight sometimes, though."
"Well, if you weren't such a jerk…" She smiled and tried to show she didn't mean it entirely.
"An' if you weren't an uncute tomboy…" Ranma had a weird smile on his face. She forced the anger down; it had obviously been a joke. After a moment she smiled and they both laughed. "I'll try if you do, 'Kane, but I can't promise I'll always be good."
"That's alright. As long as you try. I'll try too." Akane left, feeling like despite the lightness of their words, something significant had passed between them. She bit her lip as she walked down to her room to have a think.
Akane wasn't stupid, she knew that something was changing between them. Something huge. She wasn't entirely comfortable with it.
Was this what childhood's end felt like? Sometimes she felt way older than eighteen after all of the crazy stuff that had happened. She shuddered to think how old Ranma felt, given more had happened to him.
Ranma, meanwhile looked at the two cups in front of him, one full of hot, one full of cold.
"Once more." He said softly and reached for the cold to confirm.
Ryouga couldn't believe the way the crowd had just… parted for Ranko as they finished their breakfast and walked to another destination on the ship, and how she took it in a warm, yet distant way. Shouts of 'Ranko-sama, look this way!' were common and she simply acknowledged them with a warm, demure smile and a nod, or a wave, or a blown kiss. But the crowd parted anyway until she reached a door and entered in, casting a wave to what had seemed an adoring crowd.
Following between her and Nabiki, he was blushing at some of the things they've been saying about his presence near to her, speculating that they were secret lovers, or family or something. Ranko didn't seem to notice but Nabiki just kept a mysterious smile on her face and every time someone in the crowd asked her who Ryouga was, she simply replied with "No comment." And moved on.
They emerged into a wide space on top of the ship, with a screen and a few other pieces of furniture scattered around, as well as an enclosed area to the front. Lights were already set up and Nabiki quickly seemed to switch to cold professionalism.
It was on the deck that Ryouga watched Ranko and Nabiki work, and he had to admit even with the limited amount of knowledge he had of the professional model's career, the two of them were good. Ranko had a natural affinity for the posing and movements needed and Nabiki had the eye for photography.
Watching the two of them move around one another, bouncing ideas and laughing, he could see how close they were. Nabiki hadn't been lying when she said Ranko was her sister.
Ryouga simply sat in a place they'd set for him and watched as they worked, and worked, and worked. A change of clothes (he'd turned around so as not to see) later and Ranko was wearing another dress. It was exhausting just to watch, but the two of them just kept going and going.
Eventually they wrapped up and both seemed satisfied. They made him turn around again and when he was told it was alright to look, he found Ranko in a simple green sun dress. She held out a bundle to him that one of the help had brought while he'd been sat there. "We're heading to get some food, there's a bit of a dress code. There's a shirt, some pants in there. A jacket, though you don't need to wear it. And you'll have to change your shoes. The help'll take our other stuff back to the suite."
Ryouga took the bundle and went to the corner he'd had assigned to him, casting a glance back. Both women were resolutely looking the other way, chatting. He quickly changed and found that the clothes fitted him well. His hand brushed his hair and he took the bandanna off, wrapping it about his wrist. He pushed a hand through his hair but there wasn't a lot he could do with it.
"I'm done." He said, standing and feeling awkward in the shoes, pants and formal shirt that he'd been given. His new clothes were in a pile and he waited while they turned around. Ranko gave a thumbs up. Ryouga had kept the jacket off and simply hung it on his arm.
"You clean up nice." Ranko said happily. "I mean, I thought you would but hey. Hungry?"
His stomach growled and she snickered. "Lunch and story time it is!"
They soon found themselves more or less alone in a larger room. Everyone else seemed to be outside enjoying the sun and he noted it was later in the day. Ranko had ordered 'the usual with a bit extra' and the staff had simply bowed to her and carried on. Clearly, they knew how much she could eat.
As they waited for their dinner, the redhead turned to him. "Hopefully this next bit's a tad more positive than last night's." She commented as she picked up a breadstick from a glass and ate it in seconds, still politely, somehow.
"You came into my room and broke down." Nabiki pointed out. "As I recall there was a lot of pain there."
"Yeah, but this was good pain. It set me on the path to start looking for who I was, not who I wasn't. And gave me the name to that feeling I'd had my whole life. All in all, I consider it a positive thing. Better than what I'd been doing anyway." There but for the grace of the god of culinary arts went five more breadsticks, faster than he could blink.
Nabiki shrugged and sipped at the wine she'd ordered. "Well, let's tell him or he'll be in limbo forever. Want me to take this bit up?"
"Please. I'm gonna go mad without more food. Lemme go hunt breadsticks." She stood and walked to an empty table, snatching the glassful from there, though they'd all gone by the time she returned to their table.
Nabiki turned to Ryouga. "So, there I am, orchestrating the chaos that was Nerima in the bad days. Juggling Amazons, Kuno, Akane, Ranko's dad, everything really. The only help I have is from Kasumi, and then this snot-nosed kid here." She pointed at Ranko who stuck her tongue out as she walked away for more breadsticks, "Comes into my room three weeks into possibly the greatest working of my life to tell me what she'd found and then broke down completely."
Nabiki sighed and rubbed her temples as she sat at her desk. She had one more week of this to go but it had been a migraine inducing mess from the word 'go'.
Ranma did seem to be using the time well. She'd seen him sitting in the dojo, or with his eyes closed at the dinner table after eating at a reasonable speed. She'd found him in the bathroom a few times, alternating between splashing cold and hot water on himself.
If he could find out about himself through this then it'd have been worth it. She had to admit, it had also been kind of fun to orchestrate everything that happened. A lot of it was obvious manoeuvring of one person to target another. A rumour here, a sighting there. A letter arriving in haste. She'd never worked so hard on a scheme.
Someone knocked on her door and she walked over to open it. Ranma stood outside in his girl form, looking unsure. There was a deadness to his eyes, a sort of hopelessness that she'd never seen. He had hollow circles under them and the way he carried himself was about as far from his usual cocky posture as it was possible to be.
He rubbed the back of his head. "Er… hey onee-san." He said awkwardly. "Can I talk to you again?"
She eyed him, then motioned him in, closing the door behind him and letting him sit on the bed, where he didn't migrate to the bed post this time. She sat at her chair and looked him up and down.
"You look like crap." She observed. He shrugged and let out a bitter laugh.
"Don't see the point in looking any other way than how I feel."
"Did you find what you needed?" She asked. "I've got a week of this left in me, then it'll collapse. There'll probably be fallout."
He winced but bowed his head low. "Thanks, onee-san for your help."
"That's so unlike you."
"Y-yeah well…" He sighed. "I've done nothing but think…" He trailed off.
She waited a moment, then arched an eyebrow. "…And?"
"Nothin'." He said, looking down. "Found nothin'."
She shook her head and sighed forlornly. "You're really something special aren't you? What a waste of-" She stopped. Tears were tracking down his face, dripping into his lap.
"…No, I f-found. Nothin'. Deep inside of me." He sniffled. "L-like I was… just a shell." He sucked in a deep, shuddering breath. "But it's all… a lie. I'm just… nobody. There's nothing I have that's me. Just everyone else's honour and duty and…" He choked back a sob. "There's nothing inside me."
Nabiki stood up, walked to the bed and sat down, pulling the sobbing redhead into a hug. "It's alright." She said, not knowing what else to say.
"It's not!" Ranma bawled. "I j-just dunno what ta do anymore! I-It's all a l-l-l-lie an' I don't know e-even who I a-a-am! I'm empty! Hollow!"
Nabiki kept soothing him, murmuring nonsense. Ranma eventually managed to calm down but was still sniffling as he sat back. "Well. So." Nabiki floundered. "I'm going to admit something here. I don't know what to say or do."
Ranma nodded morosely. "I know the feelin'. I just keep thinkin' how pointless everythin' is. Like… what's the point in carryin' on if there's nothin' inside me?"
Nabiki looked sharply at him. "You are not committing seppuku on me." He blanched and she sighed. "Sorry."
"S'ok, Nabs, I know you don't mean it badly. I just… what do I do now?"
Nabiki was silent a long moment, tapping her chin, putting her thoughts in order. "I'll have a think while we talk." She brightened. "Speak of something else for now. Did you think about that other stuff we discussed?"
Ranma curled in on himself again and nodded. She eyed him.
"I'm a freak." He said softly. "…I think… I'm a girl. Inside, outside…" He held the tiny hands of his girl form in front of his face. "This body feels so nice. And it's right. Like everythin' just… clicks when I'm in it. Everythin's grey when I'm not like this."
Nabiki nodded. She'd figured this herself recently. It hadn't hurt that she'd known a few trans girls in her past and had seen similar signs. "How do you mean?"
He sighed. "There's this… feelin', I guess. When I'm in boy-form it's oppressive. Wrong, like everythin's just out of line. I didn't used to notice it but when I realised it was there it just… grew, and grew, and grew. Now I cant ignore it. It's like my mind's screamin' at me when I'm in boy-form. But it goes away when I turn to girl-form." He put his head in his hands. "Kami-sama, I'm such a pathetic freak… I can't stop cryin', I'm a boy who thinks he's a girl…"
Nabiki gently took his hands and removed them from his face. "Ranma, you are not a freak. This is normal, you're just discovering something about yourself. Do you know what the word 'transgender' means?"
"Er… No."
"At its simplest, it's someone who was born in one gender but identifies as another. It's… a lot more complex than that, really, but that's the basic gist. Someone born a girl might feel that they are a boy, for instance, or…"
"Someone born a boy feels they're a girl…" Ranma nodded. Nabiki smiled.
"Yeah. That feeling you described? It sounds like something called 'dysphoria'. I've had friends who were transgender too and they said similar stuff. It doesn't make you a freak, it just makes you a little different. And that's not a bad thing."
Ranma looked unsure, so she pressed on. "Let's try something. I'm going to say some stuff about you as a boy, then as a girl and I want you to tell me how each makes you feel. OK?"
He nodded and she grinned at him, letting go of his hands. "Alright, first… Ranma's my little brother. He's a sweet guy sometimes and I love him, but man is he an annoying shit. He'd be a cute boy if he didn't put his foot in his mouth so often trying to be a man amongst men."
Ranma shuddered a moment, rubbing his arms together. "That felt… weird. Wrong. Yanno, like when you put shoes on and they're supposed ta be your size but they're all pinchy?"
Nabiki nodded. "Alright, how's this for size?" She made a warm smile. "Ranko? Yeah that's my babiest sister. She can be such a little shit, but I love her. Sweet girl when she wants to be, which isn't very often because she's got chronic foot-in-mouth disease."
Ranma's face had a smile on it that wasn't intentional. "That felt. Uh… that felt nice." He said. "Like it was… Yanno, right."
Nabiki nodded. "Yep. Thought so." She looked at him directly. "So. What are you going to do about all this?"
Ranma's face crumpled. "I… dunno."
"Ranma." Nabiki sighed. "Alright, let's plot something up. I've got a weekend away planned for this weekend. It's part of the plan, as I'm going somewhere the idiot crowd won't attend, and I've set up a bunch of wild goose chases for them in the meantime."
"Alright… but what's that ta do with me?"
"Come with me. Let's give it a test. Sticking around here won't be good for you figuring yourself out. We'll call it a girls' weekend out. The whole time you can be Ranko-chan, my littlest sister. We can make sure what you're feeling is right. If it's not, we had a fun weekend smashing gender identity stuff around, if it is then you've found the key to who you are." Nabiki grinned.
"I... dunno. Won't 'Kane get suspicious?" He frowned. Nabiki smiled dangerously.
"Leave that to me. She'll think I'm just stringing you along like I used to. I'll infer you owe me a debt or something. My reputation precedes me." The girl with the bobbed hair grinned wider. "In fact, we could do some photoshoots while we're out there. Half and half profits when we get back. Nabiki's honour."
Ranma blanched. "I'll uh… think about that one."
"You're one of the cutest girls I know in a swimsuit."
"I said-"
Nabiki laughed. "Aww come on, Ranko-chan, don't we both deserve a little profit from the madness?"
He was silent a moment.
"…Ranko." He said, staring at her. "…You used that name we use to trick Ma."
Nabiki nodded. "So I did. Easiest one to think of. You like that name?"
"I… guess."
"Well hey, there's the first step. For both your problems. Do you want to be Ranma or Ranko?" Nabiki smiled and he looked up at her, confused. "My friends, who are like you, they chose a new name for themselves. Your mom calls your Ranko, and it seemed to perk you up a bit. Maybe give it a whirl for a couple of days? You don't like it; you can always choose a different name."
"…Yeah, alright." He nodded. "Ranko. Saotome Ranko." He tried. He rolled it around his head. "I'm Saotome Ranko, pleased ta meet'cha."
"Then there's pronouns." Nabiki nodded.
"Pronounce?"
Nabiki facepalmed. "You know, it's a good thing you're cute because you've not got much else in that head of yours." Ranko grinned at her for the first time that day and stuck his tongue out. She rolled her eyes. "Anyway, pronouns. You know how people call you 'him' and 'he'?"
Ranko nodded sadly. "…Yeah. Now I'm thinkin'… It feels weird, yanno? Kinda like… every time someone says it, I get a little cut or something, but it's inside my chest. I've only been noticing it since I've been thinking but now I can't stop..."
"That seems pretty normal to me. So, let's go with calling you she and her from now on?"
Ranko thought for a moment, then switched into a cross-legged meditation pose. "Gimme a minute. Gonna try something."
Ranko closed his eyes. Focusing on that dreamstate world. What was that dumb line from that dumb anime again…?
I… am I.
"Hi, I'm Ranko. Please take care of me!" Said in polite, feminine tones. Maybe not quite that polite.
I am I.
It felt like a switch flipping inside. One to the other, or more precisely setting right what once was wrong. Like when Kasumi was mixing a batter and she was helping and they used the wrong setting and it went everywhere until they put the mixer to the right speed. Something inside just clicks into place as if it had always been there.
I am I.
That tiny little ball inside, empty of anything had something in it, suddenly. Nothing concrete, and so fragile it might disappear at any time. But it was there. A spark, a desire to know.
I am I. I am Ranko.
Pleased ta meet'cha!
Ranko opened her eyes and smiled at Nabiki, tears in her eyes. "…There's something in there now." She said softly. "Something new."
She looked around the room. Nothing had changed, nothing on the outside. But it was like seeing for the first time again. Looking through new eyes.
"Feel better?" Nabiki asked.
Ranko looked inside. She was still mostly empty. She didn't know who she was. Everything was new and perhaps the world wasn't ready for her yet, but she was here. She knew who she wasn't.
It was terrifying, exhilarating, wonderful and appalling all at once.
Exit Saotome Ranma, stage left. The lead actor, leaving the role for the last time, secure that whoever came after would be better.
Enter Saotome Ranko, stage right. The understudy taking over from the lead as if born to be.
Ranko smiled at Nabiki again and took in a shuddering breath. "…Yeah." She said, softly, and started to cry again.
Nabiki put her arms about the shorter girl again and held her close.
"Why are you crying, squirt? You've found something that's yours and no one can take it from you. Not a thing to be sad about."
Ranko took a moment to breathe normally, but still crying, she managed to speak a few words.
"I'm not sad. I'm just." She sniffled. "I'm really happy."
Nabiki smiled. "I'm glad you are, little sister." She said as she held the redhead close.