A/N: I'm really glad you liked the flashbacks, because here are some more.

Gossip – Heavy Cross

Anna Nalick – 2 AM (Breathe)

After sending the text, Olivia put her phone in silent mode and placed it on the countertop. She walked quietly towards Noah's bedroom and carefully opened the door to look at him sleeping peacefully in his bed.

She had no idea how he would react to this. It had never even been discussed as a possibility, him getting a brother or a sister. He had never asked about it, and she had never brought it up. It was just supposed to be the two of them and she had been fine with that.

So why doesn't abortion feel like a real option?

Two kids; a newborn and a seven year old, alone. Could she do it? While keeping her job?

Her mind wandered to a certain blonde detective then. Because she was proof that it was possible. Hard and probably exhausting, but absolutely possible.

Amanda had a way of making things work.

APRIL 2012

Olivia hadn't expected the bar to be so crowded, but more than that, she hadn't expected Amanda to look like that. Her smile was a little flirtier, her hair was a little messier and her eyes were a lot darker. She was definitely playing her part well.

An uptown gay bar, known for their level of discretion, had recently become the scene of two attacks on women leaving together. And because the victims were reluctant to talk, they had little to nothing to go on.

And that's how Amanda ended up sitting by the bar, with her white oxford shirt that gave away just a little cleavage, looking like it was just another night out to find someone to take home.

At first, the blonde didn't notice her and kept sipping her drink, making eye contact with random strangers. But then blue eyes locked with familiar brown.

If Amanda was surprised to suddenly see her colleague looking back at her, she didn't show it.

Olivia strutted towards her and pointed at the stool next to her. "Is this taken?"

"Nope, go ahead."

The brunette flashed her a somewhat shy smile before sitting down. After ordering a drink from the bartender, she leaned in and motioned for the younger detective to get closer. "Cragen wants to pull the plug on this, he says it's too risky."

Amanda leaned back a little and glared at her. "Bullshit." Her voice was low but angry.

"That's what I said. Told him you can hold your own."

"Thanks."

"But I still had to compromise. So hello, I'm the woman you're gonna flirt with tonight." Olivia said as she reached out her hand and waited for Amanda to shake it.

"Challenge accepted."

After thirty minutes, Olivia had learned that undercover Amanda was a recently divorced, stay at home mom who enjoyed kickboxing and art. While she herself was married to her job as a defense attorney, which elicited a smirk from the blonde.

The brunette realized that if they weren't on the job, they could've probably kept this going for hours. She was just getting to know the other detective and was a little surprised at how much of a kick she was getting from just sitting there with her and making things up.

"I think someone is watching us." Amanda muttered while leaning in to make it look like she was kissing Olivia's cheek.

The brunette gave the room a subtle scan and quickly picked up on what the other woman was talking about. "I think you're right. Put your hand on my leg."

She wasn't sure, but it felt like Amanda, who had acted so confident just a few seconds ago, suddenly seemed just a little bit shy.

"It's ok, I won't bite." Olivia said followed by a short laugh.

When she was sure they had the man's attention, she tilted her head a little and said with a husky voice "It's go time."

They left hand in hand, all while making sure that their little performance was working.

"Here." Amanda whispered as she pulled Olivia towards the alley.

They hadn't discussed the logistics of what came next, and once inside the alley they just stared at each other for a few seconds before the brunette took the lead. "Kiss my neck, I'll keep my eyes open."

Amanda hesitated for a short moment before she pushed her against the wall. Seemingly focused on the task at hand. Except, it felt less and less like they were working. And when Olivia tightened her grip on the other woman's hips and made a sound that sounded a lot like a moan, neither of them knew what was just an act and what was real.

Half a minute later they didn't have time to worry about it anymore when a man appeared from the shadows and moved towards them with determined steps. "Now." Olivia whispered.

Just as the man was about to grab Amanda from behind, she elbowed him in the nose, sending him knees first to the ground. They moved fast and coordinated, and a short moment later, the younger detective was reading him his Miranda rights, with a slightly amused look on her face.

As they watched their suspect being driven away in a police car, Olivia bumped her shoulder into the blonde. "Good work."

"Teamwork." Amanda snickered.

Later that night when she found herself on her back under David, she couldn't help but think how Amanda's mouth on her neck had felt just a little better than his. And when he said "god, you're so wet", she knew why.

Then she shut that particular part of her brain down and kept it shut for a long time.

Over the years she had made many excuses for why she shouldn't be thinking about Amanda like that. She's so much younger, she's a colleague, she's a friend, she's my subordinate. All to avoid the annoying, yet simple truth that lurked behind every excuse.

She was a woman. Probably a straight woman, at that.

And Olivia didn't date women. Sleep with them? Yes, sometimes. But not date. It terrified her, and she didn't know if it was some kind of internalized homophobia that only applied to her, or the fact that most men were just a little bit simpler, less complex. And more importantly, they rarely claimed or got access to her most vulnerable sides.

MARCH 2018

"Liv... Wake up." Amanda sat down on the edge of the bed, carefully touching Olivia's leg.

"Huh? What?" The lieutenant sat up before she had opened her eyes. She blinked a few times before her eyes landed on the blonde.

"You were having a nightmare."

"Did something happen? Did you find him, her… did you find her?"

Six year old Rosie Mason had been missing for twenty-seven hours and they had been working nonstop to find her. Amanda had eventually managed to talk Olivia into getting some much needed sleep, promising to wake her up after thirty minutes, or sooner if something happened.

"Here." Amanda said as she handed her a cup of coffee. "No, nothing happened. Carisi is still in interrogation one with the neighbor. Fin is working a lead that came in on the tip line, but right now it looks like a dead end."

"Oh, ok." Olivia dragged a hand through her hair, took a sip of the hot coffee and moved to get up from the bed.

"Wanna tell me what that nightmare was about? Sounded kinda bad."

"Just… You know."

"This must be a hell of a trigger for you."

No one except Amanda would've been allowed to be so blunt around her, especially not when she was so on edge and sleep deprived.

"I used to be pretty good at talking to parents in situations like these, used to be able to calm them down, but after what happened with Noah… I just… remember how everyone was trying to calm me down and it only made it worse."

She was sitting next to Amanda now and out of nowhere she got a sudden need to just rest her head in the detectives lap. Rest there and sleep for hours. Instead, she cradled the mug in her hands and stared down at the black liquid. Willing herself to wake up.

"If god forbid anything should happen to Jesse, you are the one person I would want next to me."

Olivia looked at her with a sad smile. "Me? What about Carisi?"

"I'd pick you any day of the week." With a firm and loving squeeze on the brunette's shoulder, Amanda got up and walked towards the door. "Come down when you're ready. We'll get her, Liv."

And they did. Seven hours later.

It was moments like that, moments where Amanda made it feel like it was them against the world, the two of them together, invincible, strong and vulnerable all at once, that made it so incredibly hard to deny what she was really feeling. But she kept on doing it, all while they were both pushing boundaries time and time again.

NOVEMBER 2019

"Liv, what are you doing here?" Amanda asked with a puzzled look on her face after opening the door.

"I wanted to call, but then I remembered Bucci destroyed your phone, so... Just wanted to check in."

"I'm ok. I'll be ok." The detective attempted a smile, but she just ended up looking even more exhausted. One part of Olivia wanted to leave her alone, let her rest, but the other part, the one being very loud right now, needed desperately to just be close to her for a few minutes. To know that she was actually safe.

"Are you gonna invite me in, or...?"

"Yeah, sorry. Come in."

Olivia watched as Amanda checked the locks three times before she turned around and walked into the kitchen. "Tea?"

"Tea would be good." The brunette said as she sat down on the couch where she was greeted by Frannie who looked like she was mildly offended for being woken up.

"Down girl." Amanda said to the dog before she handed Olivia a mug and sat down next to her.

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes before the blonde turned to the woman next to her. "I'm ok, Liv. Really."

"You know, as captain I'm supposed to keep my shit together all the time, no matter what happens. But Amanda…" Olivia grabbed her hand and hugged it tight. "I was really fucking scared."

"Me too." The detective admitted with a low, trembling voice. She was biting her lip like she often did when she was trying not to cry.

Olivia placed the mug on the table and pulled Amanda into her arms. When she felt the blonde's tears on her neck, her heart broke just a little. "I can't lose you." The captain whispered, wondering if she had just confessed to something she'd been pretending wasn't there for so long.

"You won't." Amanda whispered back before she sniffled a few times, her forehead now resting on Olivia's shoulder.

Later that night, Olivia couldn't sleep. She was still running high on adrenaline and her brain kept on creating worst case scenarios that could've happened, but didn't. Amanda shot in Dr. Hanover's office. Bucci losing control of the car in a heated argument. Jesse and Billie losing their mom.

She kept twisting and turning against the mattress until she finally managed to calm herself down enough to stop moving. Amanda is alive, she is physically unharmed, she is home with her girls, safe. And she had smiled her usual smile when Olivia had left her apartment. She had let herself cry in Olivia's arms, hugged her back when Olivia tightened her grip.

And it had felt so good. Right. Like they belonged in each other's arms.

She had wanted to kiss her on the forehead, and if she was being completely honest with herself, she had wanted to kiss her everywhere else, too.

Olivia turned on her stomach and puffed into the pillow. Sleep would not come easy tonight. Or any of the nights that followed.

"Thanks for meeting me." The captain said as they sat down across from each other.

"You sound so formal, is this a business meeting or something?" Amanda joked, sounding a little tense.

"Not exactly."

"Can I bring you ladies something to drink while you look at the menu?"

"Just water, thank you." Olivia smiled at the waitress.

"Same for me."

"You're allowed to drink, you know, you're not the one who's pregnant."

Amanda noticed how Olivia almost whispered the last word and wondered if she was still partly in shock, three days after the positive and life altering test. She had tried to check in with her a couple of times, but the brunette had shut her down with a simple "we'll talk on Friday".

"I'd kill for a glass of wine right now." The captain admitted.

"Is something wrong?"

Olivia didn't answer. She just stared at the blonde as her fingers mindlessly fidgeted with the top of the menu. Eventually ignoring the question all together as she started to talk about how she'd been craving pad thai all day.

"So, what did you want to talk to me about?" Amanda asked after the waitress had taken their order.

The captain couldn't help but notice how the blonde's voice had a slightly higher pitch. She's nervous, too. She sipped her water carefully and thought about how alcohol would've made this so much easier.

"I just… Lately, or for a while now… I've been having some thoughts, feelings. I've been so confused. And now, I guess I have no idea what I'm doing." She cleared her throat. "Obviously."

"I know how confusing this is, believe me. But, you still have time to make a decision, Liv."

"No, I'm not talking about tha-" Olivia winced as her hand grabbed the edge of the table.

"What? Is something wrong?" The detective asked with worried eyes.

"No… No, just got a little queasy. I think the morning sickness is more of an all-day sickness for me."

She gritted her teeth as another sharp stab of pain spread in her belly. "I'll be right back."

As soon as she had locked herself inside one of the stalls, she let out a quiet sob.

Shit, this hurts. It hurts too much.

When Olivia hadn't returned to their table after several minutes, Amanda walked with hurried steps towards the restroom.

"Liv? You still in here?"

At first the room was dead silent, until one of the doors opened and the brunette walked out with a pained and worried expression on her face.

"I'm bleeding."

A/N: I'm sorry.