We're in that damn tunnel. Squad 451 and I are lurking through the cold water, trying to make our way to the Capitol without being detected by the peacemakers. An uneasy feeling washes over me, and I have the sudden urge to check the holo for pods even though we are deep below the streets. Peeta is in front of me, and Finnick is guiding him. He was such a good friend, trying to protect us both.
It's only then that it crosses my mind that Finnick is dead, so how is he standing before me? I roll my eyes. It's another nightmare, and this is one of those times I'm conscious for it. That always means its going to be bad.
There a murmur in the tunnel, and it behinds to smell like burning flesh all around us. My stomach twists as Peeta shouts out, "Run!" We all follow his orders. Seconds later, I see the first lizard creature. Gale easily kills it, but another takes its place.
We keep running, and it seems like the water is getting higher. It's also getting harder to run in it. It feels like forever until we finally make it to the ladder. The fight continues as each of the squad members climbs up the ladder until there's just me and Finnick.
He yells at me to go, but I can't. I take a knife from my belt and begin to help him, but there's too many. "Go!" I yell at him as I kill another lizard. He refuses and insists that I go, but I can't. I can't let him die.
The lizards are gaining on us, and the water is so high that I almost can't see them coming anymore. I panic as Finnick screams in pain. One of the lizards bites at his shoulder, and I see the look in his eye. He pleads with me to go up the ladder to safety, and I have to go. Just as I make it to the top, Peeta appears over the entrance with that dark look in his eyes.
He's holding the holo up to his mouth, and I gape in surprise. How did he get that? "Peeta!" I yell as he drops it.
"Nightlock! Nightlock! Nightlock!" I hear him say as the device gets closer and closer.
The next thing I know is I am on fire. My skin burns and cracks like it did after the final explosion in the Capitol. I can't stop it. I can't feel anything besides myself being burned alive.
I wake with a start and hear my scream die as I realize I am in my own bed. I'm sweating and can still feel the fire lapping at my skin. I throw the think blanket off of me and jump out of bed. Recently, I have been finding comfort in my closet. I sit on the cold floor and wait for the sun to come up. If the demons come, I can look them in the face as the take me away. Maybe I could even fight back if I saw them coming.
The closet is not helping. I break free and run down the stairs to my couch. The cool leather does nothing for my blazing skin. It only reminds me more of the lizards. The next place I run to is the kitchen, thinking I can wait there until Greasy Sae comes in the morning. Then, it hits me. The imaginary smell of blood. More specifically, Gale's blood. I'm standing feet away from where my mother and sister nursed him back to health after his flogging.
Unable to find relief, I run out of my house again. I used to never do this. The house was always safer than the outside world, but lately the house has too many memories. It's suffocating.
The position of the moon surprises me. It felt like the dream lasted for forever, but it's not even midnight. The night is still young, and it has started to rain. The rain- that is the only thing that has helped my hot skin. Why didn't I think of that sooner? I could have gotten in the shower. Instead, here I stand, looking up the stars like the rain will wash away all of my problems.
I'm not that lucky.
As I stare at the stars, I'm reminded of the time Peeta and I sat on the roof of the training center. There were parties and fireworks, but the stars were still shining. Peeta didn't want to be a piece in their games. I just wanted to live. How ironic that all seems now?
The stars were bringing up too many memories, so I looked down at my feet. I wasn't expecting to see primroses, and I briefly wondered if this was also part of the dream. Then I remembered the rain. It is real. The flowers were Peeta's doing, and I hadn't thought of them since I saw him planting them. I never visited. It hurts when I think of her.
My serenity was broken by the sound of footsteps approaching. I looked up and was stunned to see Peeta carrying an umbrella. He's still in his dress clothes, so he must have just finished at the bakery.
"You're going to catch a cold," he tells me in a monotone voice.
Suddenly, the chill from the night hits me, and I shiver. As I cross my arms, I'm reminded of the very thin, silk nightgown I am wearing. It was in with the other outfits Cinna had left for me, and I thought wearing it might comfort me. Was it the reason for my vivid nightmare?
I could feel the tint on my cheeks, so I tell him, "I had a nightmare."
"I still get them too," he replies, his voice still serious. Then, his mouth breaks out in a smile, "But I don't think they've ever made me run outside in the rain."
I want to laugh at his joke, but the feeling is still too fresh. "I just couldn't be in that house any longer."
"Do you want to come to my house?" His question takes me by surprise, but everything tonight has been surprising. I glance back at my house and then to Haymitch's. He is the only other option, but I don't think my stomach can handle the smell of vomit, alcohol, or the bleach Sae uses to clean the two up.
"Sure," I say with a nod. He leads me inside. Despite our houses being the exact same model, he shows me to his lower level bathroom. He grabs a towel out of the cabinet and hands it to me.
"I'll bring you some dry clothes," he tells me, disappearing before I can protest. His absence gives me time to think about what I am really doing here. Another large chuck of my imaginary wall is breaking, and I will have to call Dr. Aurelius again tomorrow. My mind shifts to the fact that I have never been in his house, even before the Quarter Quell. He's been to mine and Haymitch's, and I'm sure he's invited us over. How strange?
The door opens again, and Peeta hands me a pair of his sweatpants and a shirt before closing the door again. For a second, I'm excited to wear his clothes and to be surrounded by his scent. I really wasn't expecting him to bring me his clothes.
I turn away from his mirror like I do in my own house, but not before I catch a glimpse of myself in the nightgown. It's a golden color, Cinna's favorite on me, but it is a stark contrast to my red and white scars from the burns. The thin straps show off my arms and upper chest, and I have no doubt that Peeta also saw them.
I want to run again or cry, maybe both at the same time. I'm embarrassed and ashamed that he saw me like this, or that anyone has seen my like this. I look like a mutt that the Capitol dug up from the grave and sewed together with another person. It doesn't feel like my skin. I don't feel like me.
I hear a noise from the kitchen, a few rooms away. It reminds me of where I am. I can stare at my skin later, but Peeta is somewhere worrying about me. He probably thinks I am in the middle of a breakdown. While I do get those too, this is not the same. The nightmare just seemed so real, and I felt it.
Peeta! Peeta was the one that killed me in the nightmare. It wasn't cruel except for the fact that I did not need to be killed. I was almost free. I felt betrayed. Is that what Finnick felt when I did the exact same thing to him? No, that was mercy. He was begging to be put out instead of suffering. I did the same thing for Cato during the first games.
Yet, I couldn't do it for Gale. Gale and Peeta couldn't do it for me.
As I dry off and peel off my wet nightgown, I feel strange. I feel like I never stepped off the train after the victory tour. I know that I did, but I still feel like a piece in their game. A game that has yet to end. I was their Mockingjay, the symbol for the rebellion. The Girl on Fire that light a match and started a wildfire. The freedom we have today is because of me being their pawn, and I made everyone else their pawn too. Gale their official and military expert, Peeta their weapon, and Prim their casualty.
Their pain weights on my shoulders everyday, and I visualize it in my dreams. The only time that I felt like I truly escaped it was in Peeta's arms. That was when the world felt calmer and simpler. He fought off the nightmares, and here he was about to do it again.
Gale once said that I would pick the one I can't live without. I have learned in the last nine months that I can live without Gale. He's made no effort to contact me. I have made no effort to contact him.
I don't know what Peeta is to me yet. I know what I don't want him to be, and I know how to keep him at arm's length. This situation will mostly likely let him inch his way back into my life. I should go, but I have no where else to go.
As I put my drenched nightgown in his bathtub to dry, I come up with a strategy. Find out what Peeta means to me and get out of here before the wall comes crashing down.