Published: 2021.04.28
Chapter 5: Procyon
Asuka sat on the edge of the bed, face buried in her hands. She couldn't understand why she had to think back to that one stupid moment over and over again. What did it matter if Hikari said that she thought Asuka could do whatever she wanted, because she did her best?
Asuka loathed the fact that she hated Hikari for saying it. She hadn't meant it as an insult, but it felt that way. Because if what she did had been her best, it meant that she had failed in what she wanted to be doing, and was now forced to content herself with whatever second or third or last option she was still able to pursue.
She fell backwards, letting herself bounce on the mattress until her momentum was gone. The stillness itched on her skin, and she threw herself onto her stomach. She wanted to scratch at herself or scream or do anything that would quiet down her thoughts, or rather, this one thought, this endlessly repeating "You did your best!" that just did not! – her fist hit the pillow – want! – and again – to! – another, harder – die!
A final punch sent a dull thump through the room, and her fingers gripped the pillowcase. Her best wasn't good enough – it would never be good enough! Why, just why, did this stupid thought not die?!
She rolled onto her back and draped her arm over her eyes. Why couldn't it be night already? Her fingers twitched. Maybe she could -
A quiet knock on the door made her freeze up. She held her breath – the awkwardness of maybe having been heard hung in the air. Contorting her face, she called out to Shinji.
"What do you want?"
"I … may I come in?"
Asuka took a deep breath, then she jumped out of bed. With three fast steps she was at the door and pulled it open, glaring at Shinji. Then she noticed the plastic bag in his hands.
"What's this?"
Shinji fidgeted. Instead of answering, he held open the bag.
Asuka leaned forward a little to take a look. Her eyes went wide in surprise. Hesitantly, she reached for what was inside.
"I thought you'd want it back." The plastic crackled as Shinji folded it into an orderly square.
Absentmindedly, she ran her thumbs over the synthetic fabric. It was as if she was holding it for the first time; she wondered when the sensation had become so familiar that she had forgotten how it felt.
"It's clean", she mumbled. Her brow crinkled, and her gaze went to Shinji again. "Why are you giving it to me only now?"
His hair was hiding his expression. "I thought you'd be angry because I touched it."
Asuka raised an eyebrow, then she shook her head, returning her attention back to the red garment. "You can go now", she muttered, turning to face the bed. "And close the door."
Shinji quickly followed her request, taking extra care to do so quietly, but Asuka didn't even notice, being fixed entirely on the plugsuit in her hands. This had been her whole pride. Now it was torn up like she was.
Asuka sent a glance towards the door, reassuring herself that it was tightly closed. She hesitated for a moment, then she brought her suit close to her face and inhaled deeply through her nose. Her eyes closed on their own as the scent of high tech composites and LCL filled her nostrils.
It smelled so much like Mama. She had to swallow at the thought. Mama had been so proud of her, and Mama loved her – always. She had finally proven it when she reached out to her and pulled her from her misery.
Her cheeks were still glowing as she sat down on the edge of the bed and cradled the suit in her lap. It didn't take long for cracks to form in this fondest memory of hers, as she was forced to acknowledge that afterwards, Mama had only been a vague, nebulous presence. Shinji had been so clear, so real, so why wasn't Mama just as palpable? She even seemed to drift away from her in that place, and Asuka still couldn't understand why. They fought and died together. There was no longer any reason to hide.
At least there shouldn't be, but what she saw in Instrumentality was so disjointed and contradictory that it threatened her with questions she didn't even want to ask.
The plugsuit squeaked under her fingers as she recalled her fall into the abyss: the feeling of slowly losing bits and pieces of herself to the perverse orgy of souls merging around and inside her, her thoughts and memories and drives displaced by those of strangers, her only certainty that she would vanish into that formless mass of people, stripped of everything that defined her, splayed open for everybody to see.
Cold sweat covered her brow; her heart was racing in the void that had consumed her chest. Hugging herself tightly, she dug her fingernails into her sides. A prickling burn crawled over her scars, the immediacy of the sensation helping her with slowing her breathing.
She still couldn't believe that Shinji had gathered enough hatred for her to condemn her to such a fate, and as much as she tried to kill it, the thought that she might have deserved it still gnawed at the tattered remains of her pride. And now, she came crawling to him every night, seeking relief from the pain he had caused her – the pain she brought upon herself. She truly was disgusting. Only somebody like him would put up with her now.
She hated how all of her thoughts seemed to involve him in some way lately. Since when was he so important? What a stupid question. He had affected the whole world, inserted himself into every facet of life. She could never escape his reach, no matter how hard she tried.
The suit in her lap suddenly felt heavy. Gently stroking the wrinkles out of it, she wished for Mama to be here, telling her that everything would be alright. But if she was honest with herself, she didn't even know who Mama truly was. Something big was missing from her picture, and she couldn't shake the thought that if she knew everything, or if Mama had been around the whole time, she would come to resent her, like she resented everybody else who interfered with her life. She still wanted answers. But if Mama were to return now, seeing with her own eyes what had become of her daughter … How much love could she possibly still feel then?
A low cardboard box stood in one corner of the room. Stepping over to it and emptying its contents onto the floor, she used it to stow away her plugsuit, pausing before putting on the lid. She was obsolete now. A broken relic of the past. The only reason she wasn't thrown out with all the other trash was that there was nobody left to do it.
Shinji took a deep breath, but the weight on his chest wouldn't go away. It seldom did since his return: it felt like there was a vacuum inside, trying to crush him. He wanted to break open his sternum or cut a hole between his ribs, anything which would allow him to breathe freely again.
Asuka hadn't left the bedroom for quite some time now. The morning had been relatively peaceful so far, and for some unfathomable reason, that convinced him that it would be a good idea to no longer hide her suit and just be honest about it.
Three nights had passed since they struck their deal. Asuka had been much gentler with him, as she promised, but it still cost him a lot of effort to fulfill her demands, which he tried to do as best as he could. Part of him was sure that she would simply not accept no for an answer anyway, but he wanted to think that he did not do it because of that. After all, she had given him a choice, and he had accepted her offer and everything it entailed willingly. And … this choice felt different. Unlike with so many other things, he was certain that he could put a stop to it, if he truly wanted to. In fact, he was afraid of his own strength. He saw what he was capable of in Instrumentality and on the beach. And Asuka had become so thin ...
But what really made this different in his mind was the knowledge that they shouldn't be doing it in the first place, which also meant that nobody would force him to do it again, or make him feel guilty because he refused. This was only between them. Only Asuka would get hurt by his rejection, and since he did not want to see her hurt ever again, he would do what he could for her, even if it was hard, for as long as she wanted to stay with him.
And if she decided to leave …
His chest ached again. Moving to the counter, he set up a pot on the gas cooker to make some tea. He wasn't really thirsty. He knew he should not rely on her to make things better for him, that he had to do it all by himself, that he was just using her to fight his battles, was using her to satiate -
"I'm going for a walk."
Shinji whirled around, toppling over the gas cooker in the process, the pot loudly clattering into the sink.
"What's wrong with you?!" Asuka looked as if he had just insulted her.
"Sorry!" He leaned against the counter, gripping the edge to stop his fingers from shaking. "I – I didn't mean to startle you."
Asuka's shoulders sagged. "No, you never mean to do anything, right?"
"I'm sor-"
"Don't say it." Weariness muted her voice. "Ever again."
He nodded and lowered his eyes. "I won't do it again."
She regarded him with a long, pensive glance, then she sighed and shook her head. "You don't really believe that, do you?"
Shinji saw no other option: he had to shake his head.
She sighed again and left the kitchen. Shinji listened to her slipping into her shoes. As he heard the front door opening, his hand slapped onto the pocket of his trousers.
She was just out of the door as he caught up to her.
"Uhm …" He stretched out his hand as she turned to him. "You'll need this."
"Oh. Right." She reached for the key. Her fingertips lingered on his palm for a second, imbuing it with soft warmth. Then she left without another word.
Shinji looked after her, then he stared at his palm. His fingers curled, imitating her touch, and he released a sigh of relief.
She hadn't been angry because of her suit.
On his way back to the kitchen, he noticed that that tightness in his chest had also disappeared. Maybe it was the scare she had given him, but he didn't complain either way.
He made his tea, then he got to work. He had resolved to fill up the bathtub today, so that he didn't have to go down to the creek every time they wanted to bathe or use the toilet. Since Asuka had the key, he took a few pieces of wood with him to hold open the doors, and two buckets to carry the water with.
The front door moved with even more difficulty than before. The closer appeared to be malfunctioning, and he had to use all his weight to overcome its pull. Wedging the piece of wood between door and frame before it could close again, he began his work.
Asuka knelt down to retie her shoe. It wasn't even noon, but the sun already singed relentlessly. The burn on her face would probably get worse. Planting her hands on her hips she searched her surroundings for familiar landmarks. She hadn't really paid attention when Shinji led her away from the beach, so she decided to just take the direct route, climbing over hills of rubble and debris.
Her heart skipped a beat as something slipped under her feet, and, arms flailing to retain balance, she half fell, half jumped down the slope, landing on her feet as she reached the bottom.
She couldn't hide a hint of satisfaction at being able to remain upright. After realizing the extent of her scars, her biggest worry had been injury to her brain, but since her sense of balance was still as good as ever, she hoped that everything else was also still intact.
After the third hill, she had enough and decided to follow a more convenient path.
When she reached the final dune before the beach, it was already past noon. Foregoing carrying water with her had proven to be a bad idea, but she would not turn around now. Surveying the coastline in front of her confirmed that she had calculated her route correctly. The beasts stood to her right, some distance away. She turned around one final time, barely able to make out the three bridges leading to her valley.
Shinji hadn't followed her.
Inhaling the heavy scent of salty LCL filled her with anticipation as she walked towards the water's edge, carefully looking out for footprints. When she left the sea she had been close to Shinji, and, according to his memories, he had been close to the remains of Unit 02 and her own corpse when he … dissolved. So if Mama came back, it would be logical to assume she would reappear somewhere around here as well.
A line of faded footsteps became visible in the white sand. Residual LCL had made it crisp and sticky, preserving the impact craters of the raindrops hammering it a few days ago. Tracing the prints back to their origin, she realized they were her own: this was the place where she had emerged. She still couldn't remember how she had managed to swim ashore.
A double line of footsteps went further down the beach, but she didn't have to follow them to the end to know they were hers, too. Beyond them, there were none. Slowly making a full rotation around her axis, she took in her surroundings, but nothing betrayed the presence of another human. She could probably have searched for weeks without finding anything.
She sighed and closed her eyes: she wouldn't find Mama today.
Retracing her old steps and keeping the white giants in her peripheral vision, she reached the place where she had lain with Shinji. Small indentations where his knees and toes had dug into the ground lined the faint outline of her back. There was a third trail now, ending in a confused pattern. Shinji must have been searching for her while she was gone.
Glancing at the dunes, she wondered what it must have looked like to someone spying on them. There had been no haste in Shinji's movements. They would probably have mistaken it for a desperate lover's embrace. The irony drew her lips into a bitter smirk: she had left the world with violence, and was greeted by violence upon her return.
Hunkering down, she took a handful of sand, rubbing it against her palm like she had done before. Slowly she let the sand run through her fingers, watching it form little hills inside her outline.
Back then, when Shinji was resting on top of her, one thought came to dominate all others: I am home. She still felt that way, even though the thought itself seemed strange to her now. There was nothing familiar in her surroundings, except for the smell of LCL; nobody was here to greet her besides Shinji. The world was empty now - or maybe it had been that way all along.
Her fingers traced the little hills, flattening them one by one. Maybe it wasn't the world that was empty, but her. Maybe that was why, of all the places she could go to, she felt most drawn to this unremarkable speck of sand in the middle of nowhere, where she had nearly been killed again. She could only imagine what had gone through his head as he tried to squeeze the life from her. To her own surprise, she wasn't even angry at him for trying, and her throat became dry as she realized that a part of her was still disappointed in him for not trying harder.
Pushing the thought from her mind, she stood up again. Keeping her eyes down so she wouldn't have to look at the beasts, she went to the water's edge. Standing in the damp sand, she wondered if there was anything left of Unit 02, hidden in the depths. She had seen the Geofront rise in Shinji's memories, along with Unit 01 and the beasts – and those fell back down to earth, too.
Inhaling deeply to stave off the feeling of tightness in her chest, she finally took a good look at the petrified giants, taking in the injuries she had caused. A twisted grin curled her lips at the memory of punching her fist through one of them. She still remembered the ungodly strength bulging her sinewy muscles and pulling them taut, a heart the size of a building pumping rivers of scalding blood through arteries as cavernous as industrial pipes, bones made of steel bending under the strain of her titanic efforts, the earth itself trembling under her step.
Her grin turned into a frown as her bony fingers traced protruding ribs under the paper-thin skin of her tiny frame. Her field of view was dominated by her murderers: monolithic bodies of stone, at least thirty times her size, threatened as much by fists of flesh and bone as a boot was by an ant. Even in death, with their heads missing and their cores shattered, they were mocking her. She didn't even know who did it to them. Of course not. She was long dead when that happened, because neither Shinji nor his mother lifted a finger to help her – help she only needed in the first place because the beasts had cheated.
Images from the battle began to replay in her mind, and for once, she let them, just to feel a hint of triumph underneath all the bitterness again. Her own memories mingled with Shinji's – how he burst out of the cages, only to be faced with the mangled corpse of Unit 02. His scream rang in her ears, and the impression of his despair, left inside her in Instrumentality, still felt as if it was her own. There was a sad irony to it all: never before had he shown her just how much he cared. Too much to even care about the spears piercing his palms. And then, when he finally tried to struggle, it was too late. The thought stung more than she wanted to admit: he tried with all his might, but his Eva wouldn't move.
The realization hit her like a sledgehammer. Her eyes went wide as the whole extent of her error became clear. A second later, her face turned into an ugly grimace, teeth grinding against each other. How could she have been so stupid until now?
"You bastards!" The scream was out before she could contain herself. The spears – Shinji couldn't move his Eva because of the spears! And she – she had been struck in the head, which obviously was much worse than being hit in the palms. It was a miracle that she made her Eva move again at all, but that didn't change the fact that she never stood a chance to begin with. The beasts had the spears in their possession the entire time. They could have killed her in an instant, as soon as they arrived, but they didn't. What she mistook for sluggishness and stupidity had been cruel mockery all along. They toyed with her, never taking her seriously until she was about to crush one of their cores, and then, they swatted her away like an insect. And even if she had known about the spears beforehand, there was no way she could defend herself against nine of them. The fight was lost before it even began. Her sacrifice changed nothing, and it never could have – the beasts knew she couldn't influence the outcome in any way: they would have removed any true obstacle to their plans right away.
A long, howling scream echoed over the beach. All her sacrifices, everything Mama did, their death – it had all been for nothing.
Shinji swallowed hard. His chest was crushed in a vice again. The bathtub had long been filled; the buckets lay discarded in the corner. Even without a clock, he knew she had been gone for hours.
For minutes now, he had stood in front of the pile of Asuka's clothes which lay on top of the washing machine. He should have done the laundry already, but hadn't found the time. Quickly glancing over his shoulder to make sure nobody was watching, he reached for the pile, gingerly tugging out the shirt she came back with. He felt like a criminal, but after everything he had done, one more perversion could hardly matter.
Crumpling up the shirt and hiding it under his own, he hastily tiptoed to the bedroom, closing the door before he hid under the sheets. Everything smelled of Asuka here. Carefully, he brought up her shirt to his face, inhaling deeply through his nose. More of Asuka filled his nostrils. Not the refined, somewhat artificial smell he had become used to during their stay in Misato's apartment, but the raw, much more intimate one she often carried now.
He curled up under the sheets, tightly hugging her shirt to himself, and pretended that there was more of her here than this meager rag. He imagined her lithe hands softly embracing him from behind, her slender body pressing against his back. He could almost feel her breath against the back of his ear, and his own warmth, reflected by the sheets, almost felt as if it came from her. His left hand caressed his face, while his other moved to his back, and as the illusion became complete, he dared to lift the lid off the bottle in his chest, allowing his pent up feelings to seep out into the darkness surrounding him, whispering words he'd never be able to say to her in person. He so desperately wished for an answer, but even in his fantasy, she remained silent.
Asuka stared at Rei's fallen head, hugging her knees to her chest. There were still tears in her eyes from when she dug her fingers into her scars, upsetting them fiercely, but that had been necessary. At least she knew she hadn't cried, and now, she felt too empty for that to be any danger.
Rei spoke to her one last time before letting her return. About truth and memories, dreams and reality. Asuka didn't understand back then – she had made her choice: all she wanted was to get out. Now she understood far too much.
Rei was still smiling, but Asuka didn't know why. Rei was dead and could never return. All she could do was watch from afar. She remained a doll to the end, blindly following Shinji's wishes. Too bad for her that what had crawled out of the ocean bore only a faint resemblance to that boy she cared for enough to hand him the fate of the world. Rei's hopes, too, had been in vain.
Pushing herself to her feet, she walked a short distance and picked up her interface clips. While she fixed her hair, she noticed that the collar of her tank-top was torn. Her shirt was floating in the surf. She'd get another one. She'd take the sunburn on her arms any time – there was no way she'd fish it out of the ocean of dead people
They all got what they deserved, and Asuka's only wish was that they could see what had become of the world. They all watched and cheered as she was torn apart because they wanted her dead the moment she was no longer a useful tool for them, even though she had done nothing but give it her all in protecting them from the Angels. And then, all their plans and hopes and dreams had been for naught, unmade at the hands of Shinji. Shinji ... a boy they had used and broken but never cared for.
Holding her stomach with her right arm, protectively placing the left on top, she trudged back towards the leveled city and the valley beyond. Her eyes felt coarse and grainy.
She stopped on the crest of the dune, looking back one final time, towards the ocean of amniotic fluid and menstrual blood – the unbirth of the abortion that was humanity.
Her voice was hoarse and tasted like iron.
"I feel sick."
A glimpse of red was all he needed to be flying down the stairs in no time. The front door couldn't slow him either, and he came to a stuttering halt right behind her, panting heavily. She was sitting on her heels, her back towards him, but he could see that she was drinking from the creek. He wanted to tell her to stop: Kensuke had told him on their camping trip how dangerous it could be. He pushed the thought away, other issues being much more pressing.
She splashed some water onto her face and stood up afterwards. If she did notice him, her posture betrayed no sign of it.
"Asuka?"
She stiffened, but there was no reply.
Shinji's face scrunched up, as the burning need to ask her why she would put him through so much uncertainty again overwrote all other concerns. His vision was already growing cloudy, and before he knew it, he just blurted it out: "Where were you?!"
Her shoulders slumped. Then she turned to him, and Shinji recoiled a little.
"Didn't I tell you?" Weariness was dripping from her every pore. "I went for a walk."
"But … !" A tingling heat welled up in his neck, and he took a forceful step towards her, which made her straighten out her posture. "You were gone the whole day!"
Her eyes flared alive with their familiar sharpness. "So what?!" Her hands shot up, then she let them fall down, exhaustion returning to her eyes. "We've got a deal, don't we?" Her voice turned towards dejection. "I won't be the one to break it first."
Shinji's heart skipped a beat.
"Come on." Asuka absentmindedly walked past him. "Let's go home."
He had never even suspected that their deal included any form of reciprocity. Now he felt ashamed for ever having doubted it in the first place. The corners of his eyes began burning.
"What are you waiting for?" Her voice already grew distant, but had regained some of its usual harshness.
It felt so incredible. Something pulled towards his center, coalescing into a sphere of warmth. He had trouble taking even one step, but he somehow managed to do so still.
Asuka was battling with the front door when he caught up to her. Having to hold the key in the turned position to disengage the locking bolt left her with only one hand to pull. When she threw all her weight behind it, she managed to open it a crack, but the closer easily overpowered her. She continued to exert herself, each futile attempt being weaker than the last. Eventually, she stepped aside and balled her fists.
"Just going to watch?"
Her words shook Shinji out of his daze. "Oh, sorry. I'll help." He quickly wiped his eyes and reached for the door handle. He felt the powerful need to thank her – to let her know about the incredible relief she had given him. It was so obvious in hindsight: she had always valued fairness, going so far as to shield him from the acid of the ninth Angel to repay him for his good deed in the volcano. That she still treated him the same way, even after everything they went through and the numerous ways he failed her … He couldn't help but smile as he depressed the handle. It was just so -
"What's with that stupid grin?"
He winced at her words. "Sorry, I -"
"Stop apologizing!"
He hung his head and closed his eyes. "I was just …" He felt the warmth in his chest turn into searing heat.
Asuka crossed her arms in front of her chest. "You were just – what?"
He pressed his lips shut and glared at the door.
Asuka groaned. "Just spit it out."
Shinji shook his head. "Doesn't matter."
"Well, if it doesn't matter – then shut up and open the goddamn door!"
That's how it always went, wasn't it? Nobody ever considered how he felt, only what he could do for them. Even Misato said it: she wouldn't pity him. Get back in the Eva; if all you do is cry, you can just curl up and die.
He should just leave – see how far Asuka would get without him. But he was better than that.
Shinji's eyes were glued to the bowl in front of him. The rice in his mouth tasted like nothing; he had been chewing on the same morsel for the last minute or so. Asuka hadn't really touched her portion either. Why did he even make an effort at this point?
Asuka put down her chopsticks. "Why were you smiling?"
Shinji stopped his movements, then he forced himself to swallow the gruel in his mouth. "I said it doesn't matter."
"Obviously it does, or you wouldn't be so angry."
He clenched his jaw. He really did not want to tell her. He had dared to be happy for one moment, and she had taken most of it away from him. If he told her now, she would take the rest, too.
"Are you going to tell me or not?"
So this was what this was all about – she wanted her answer, everything else didn't matter, his feelings least of all. She simply couldn't stand not knowing something. But this time he wouldn't lose.
"Stop ignoring me", she hissed.
"Fine!" He slammed down his chopsticks and glared at her. "You want to know? I was happy! Because you said our deal goes both ways, and you wouldn't break it first! Happy now?!"
"Of course it goes both ways! Why would you even -" Surprise widened her eyes, then she looked off to the side. "Thanks a lot", she muttered.
It stung, but Shinji felt in no mood to make this all about her feelings again. "Doesn't matter, does it? You hate me anyway."
Her head spun around, and she bared her teeth. "Of course I do. You know what you did! You really think I could ever forgive you for that?!"
"For what? For the hospital? For letting you die? Or for trying to kill -"
"For raping my mind!" She jumped from her chair, utter hatred burning in her eyes, and Shinji felt as if somebody had dropped a ball of lead into his stomach.
"I didn't give you what you wanted, so you violated me! And then you let everybody else have a go at it, too!" She clenched her fists; her voice was close to cracking. "So don't give me this shit about me hating you! I could never hate you as much as you hate me!"
Shinji croaked, nausea rising from his stomach. "I …"
"Was it because you saw what the fifteenth did, huh? Did that give you the idea?!"
"I didn't mean to -"
"Liar!" Spittle flew from her mouth. "Rei said it! That was the world you wished for!"
"No!" He desperately shook his head.
She reached him in two steps and grabbed his collar. "You told Rei to do it", she pressed out. "That was what you wanted."
"No, I wanted you dead!" Finally he met her gaze, hoping that she would see the honesty behind his words.
Asuka was taken aback, but only for a second. "I know what you said to her", she snarled, pulling at his collar. "But it didn't happen. You wanted me to suffer first!"
"No!" Now it was his turn to scream. "No, I …" Tears shot to his eyes. "I just wanted you to die … I wanted to die. I'm so sorry. I wanted everybody to die."
Asuka grabbed his chin, forcing him to look into her eyes. Slowly, her expression morphed from anger to pained realization, and at last, she pushed him away and took a few shaky steps back. A bitter laugh erupted from her throat: it was so obvious in hindsight, wasn't it?
Shinji blinked, completely at a loss at what was going on. "Asuka?"
"Don't you understand?" She shook her head and turned to him, wearing a twisted grin. "You didn't get a choice. You didn't even know what you were doing."
"But – I did!" He sniveled and wiped his nose. "Kaworu was there, in the clouds, and Rei, and she granted me my wish!"
"Did she? Really?" Her eyes turned hard. "So you were lying before?"
He frowned and shook his head. "I didn't lie."
"Then what did you wish for?"
"A world where …" It felt almost too shameful to say out loud. "Where we could all understand each other. A world without pain."
"Hah! How can you possibly believe she was trying to give you that?"
"Because my -" He bit his lip. "Because my mother was there", he mumbled. "She asked me what I wished for, and Rei made it happen."
Asuka shook her head again in mocking disbelief. "You still trust that bitch?"
"Ayanami?"
"Your mother! That goddamn bitch ..."
Shinji's eyes widened. "What did you just say?"
"That she's a bitch! She let me die!"
"No, it was my fault, I didn't -"
"I've seen your memories! All of them! I know what happened! She waited until I was dead – that's what she did! You really think you had anything to do with that? Don't make me laugh!" She spat out those last words. "You just sat there the whole time, thinking that you couldn't do anything and drowning in self-pity like the little boy you are, and you were still doing that when she finally moved! Do you understand it now, Shinji? Do you?!"
"No, I -"
"She wanted me dead! That bitch wanted me dead!"
"Stop calling her that!" Shinji jolted to his feet, causing Asuka to take a step back and hunch over slightly, ready to defend herself. "She didn't! She only wanted me to have a chance! She showed it to me, showed me her memories! Everything she did was so that I had a chance!"
"So it was all about you?!" Asuka grit her teeth. "Are you saying I don't matter at all?!"
"No! She did it for all of us! For humanity! Every living being has the heart to keep on living, that's what she said! As long as you have the will to live, anywhere can be paradise!"
"If that's true, then where is she now? Where is her will to live? Why isn't she here, in her paradise, marveling at this wonderful place positively drowning in life, playing family with her precious little boy?!"
Shinji clenched his eyes shut and shook his head. "I don't know!"
"Then I will tell you why. She's gone, Shinji. Just like Rei and Misato and that boy you loved so much! They betrayed you, and now they are gone! They abandoned you! They're probably laughing at you right now, because you were stupid enough to play their little game!"
"That's not true!" Shinji had to fight the urge to hold his ears shut, trying to maintain at least a shred of dignity. "It's not their fault! You said it yourself! I wanted it, I was the one who -"
"But we are NOT DEAD!" Asuka nearly lost control of her voice. "Whatever you wanted, it didn't matter! Rei didn't give you happiness, and she didn't let you die! She never cared about your wishes at all! Just like your mother never gave a shit about you!"
Shinji clenched his fists. "Shut up!"
"She chose the Eva over you!" Asuka leaned forward. "And now, she abandoned you again!" she hissed.
"Shut UP!" He shoved her – as hard as he could.
Asuka was thrown backwards, the back of her head crashing into the wall behind her. Immediately she bounced back, throwing a punch on trained reflex. Her fist connected with his cheek, barely inside her reach; she distantly registered the jolt of pain shooting through the scar on her arm, but Shinji took the hit without showing much reaction. She pulled back for another jab, but stopped midway through: Shinji was trying hard not to sob. Maintaining her stance, she watched as he stumbled backwards, awkwardly feeling for the chair behind him. He pushed one of the bowls off the table as he collapsed into it. The crack of the bowl shattering on the tiles startled him, and a second later, as tears formed in his eyes, he hid his face in his hands.
A black wave of dizziness rolled over Asuka, and her head began to throb. Her body suddenly felt light, her fingers cold; the adrenaline was leaving her veins. She straightened herself out, trying to brush off the timidness his physical strength had forced onto her, but she couldn't stop herself from shaking as she watched him break down completely.
When his tears eventually stopped, Shinji looked up and saw Asuka leaning against the wall; her arms folded in front of her chest, she was staring towards the balcony. She hadn't said a word the entire time, but now, she spoke.
"At the creek ..." She didn't turn to face him, and her voice remained low. "You really thought I'd be that selfish, huh?"
Hot waves of guilt washed over him. Looking at the ground, he said the only thing he could: "I'm sorry."
Asuka sniffed, but remained silent otherwise. After a few seconds, she pushed herself off the wall.
"Truth hurts, huh?"
Shinji took a deep breath. He really wished she would give him some time to come to terms with it, but she wasn't wrong. Mother left in her Eva, and she told him it had been part of her plan all along. He had pushed away the thought as hard as he could, but there was no way to deny the facts any longer: after everything he went through, Mother had left him behind.
He gave her a small nod, and Asuka disappeared into the living room.
He found her sitting on the couch when he finally found the courage to follow her, hugging her knees to her chest and resting her chin on top. Fixing his gaze on his toes, he remained standing in the door frame.
"I still can't believe it", he whispered. "What you said about the others."
"Why would I lie to you?"
Asuka's tone of voice made him look at her again. She had turned her head towards him, meeting his gaze.
"I was the only one who wanted to tell you the truth", she quietly continued. "About Unit 03. And Toji. I never coddled you like the others. I was the only one who actually told you the truth about yourself, even though it wasn't my responsibility. I wasn't your guardian, like Misato, and I wasn't ordered to do it." She lowered her head, hiding her eyes behind her hair. "Everybody needed you for something. They needed you to pilot. That's why they pretended to care about you."
For the second time this day, Misato's words came back to haunt him. It was part of her job, she had said. For a time, he didn't think too much about it, but now? His teacher had taken care of him because his father ordered him to, as well. Nobody at NERV ever spoke to him if it didn't involve his duties. Kaji was barely there, and his friends just left. In the end, only Asuka came to him, even after he defiled her and let her die. A lump formed in his throat.
"Asuka … do you mean -"
"I meant exactly what I said." She grimly stared at the table. "Don't make me repeat myself."
Shinji nodded. It didn't feel good – in fact, it hurt deeply – but it felt right. With a deep sigh, he hung his head, fatigue getting the better of him.
"Asuka ... what should I – what should we do now?"
She shrugged. "We can do whatever we want. There's nobody around to tell us what to do. So it doesn't matter, as long … as long as nobody ever knows." She locked eyes with him, leaving no room for argument in her expression. "Remember that! Not a single word to anybody, no matter what happens! Not about Instrumentality, not about the past, and not about ..." She waved her hand, indicating the apartment.
Shinji found himself nodding again. He had never thought about it that way. He was freer now than at any point in his previous life. There were no rules, no laws, no obligations – nobody telling him what to do. And yet ... he really doubted that he could ever make the right decisions on his own.
His gaze was drawn to the tip of his toes. "Sorry for pushing you."
"Stop apologizing!" She made a small pause. "We fought, that's all."
Shinji managed to look up, deep worry in his eyes, but Asuka truly seemed indifferent. "Does ... does it still hurt?"
She waved off his concern, but felt for the back of her head with her other hand. "I've felt worse, even in training." She scratched the nape of her neck, then she turned her head towards him, just enough so that she could see him with her healthy eye. "What about you?"
"Oh, it's nothing."
Her eyes narrowed. "Really? That bump looks like it hurts."
Shinji rubbed his left cheek and winced. "Yes, it does." He hadn't really felt the hit, but now the left side of his face pulsed with dull pain.
Asuka smirked. "Thought so. Good for you that you gave up so quickly." Shinji remained silent, and Asuka's expression turned sour. "Yeah, right." She stared at the table again. "Figures that you would stand up for your stupid mother, but not for yourself."
Shinji frowned but held his tongue. He was still not entirely convinced that she was right in her assessment, but he didn't want to argue with her. Partly because he didn't want to upset her - and partly because he feared that she would only make her arguments even more convincing.
Not that it could make things much worse. Having learned that he had something in common with the fifteenth, even if he didn't intend to do it … He saw what that Angel did to her – and the irony of only understanding how cruel that monster had been to Asuka because he did something similar wasn't lost on him either. Even if Asuka was right, and it was Rei's fault, it certainly didn't feel that way. He didn't know how Asuka could ever move on from something like that, or how he himself could ever come to terms with it. It was simply too much. He needed space, time to think.
He had already taken two hasty steps when Asuka's voice stopped him.
"Where are you going?"
"I ... I just need to clear my head, and ..." He trailed off. He felt the need to find some place to hide, to get away from everything, if even for a moment.
"We still have a deal."
"Yes!" He turned to her, hoping that eye contact would dispel any doubts she might have. "I …" He stopped himself. Promising her not to break it seemed impossible, as he was sure that, sooner or later, he would. He still needed to get away, but leaving the apartment was out of the question now. "I'll clean up the kitchen."
Asuka shrugged and rested her chin back on her knees. "You can do whatever you want."
She didn't leave him alone in the kitchen for long. Leaning against the door frame, she watched him pick up the pieces of the bowl. Then she observed him as he cleaned food stains off the table and the floor, helpfully pointing out where he missed a speckle. When he was done, she sat down to finish her meal. He heated it up for her again, as it had long gone cold.
"Doesn't look so bad", she commented as he sat down her bowl, pointing at his face when she saw his confusion. "The swelling should go down in a few days."
"Oh, uhm …" His hand went to his cheek, and he awkwardly shifted his weight from one foot to the other as Asuka began to eat.
"Not going to eat something yourself?", she asked between two bites.
Shinji's first impulse was to say no, but looking at her questioning expression, he realized that he really wanted to do anything but. Giving her a firm nod, he decided on a helping of cup noodles, and sat down opposite to her a few minutes later.
She took her time, so that they finished almost simultaneously. Then she watched him do the dishes, asking for a cup of tea when he was done. Eventually, as the sun was near the horizon, she fetched her hairbrush from the bathroom and went to the couch.
Shinji looked after her. He really thought that he wanted some space, but now that he got it, he wished she hadn't left. Part of him wanted to go after her right away, but an indistinct "should not" that refused to turn into an actual reason held him back. He wiped off the counter once more, mostly to help him focus while he tried to make sense of it all. He was too tired to cook tea for himself, so he opted for water instead. Setting down the bottle on the counter once he emptied it reminded him that this had been the last one they had left. He did want to get more today, but that had fallen flat.
By now, he felt completely worn out. There were a few tears in his eyes, this time born out of pure fatigue and the need to forcefully keep them open. His feet and back hurt badly. Everything that happened today began to blur together into one incomprehensible mess. All he wanted was to rest, if his mind would only show a tiny sliver of good-will and quiet down for a moment.
Dragging himself to the living room, he found Asuka sitting on the far end of the couch, still absentmindedly brushing her hair, her gaze fixed on her interface clips on the table.
He hesitated only a moment before deciding that he might as well take a risk, and collapsed onto the couch. Almost immediately he had to stifle a yawn.
"You look like a corpse", Asuka commented, in the same low, hoarse and dejected tone she had spoken in all evening. Shinji was glad that there was no outright anger and disdain mixed in, but the gloominess felt so wrong, coming from her. She almost sounded defeated.
"I'm just tired." He had trouble not slurring his words.
Asuka set down her hairbrush, then she rubbed the slightly reddened skin of her arms. "I'll need sun cream. And a hat. Or a cap. I don't want to have a sunburn forever."
Shinji nodded. "I'll try to find something. Oh, we … we also need to get bottled water. I drank the rest. Sorry."
"Stop saying sorry! I already told you I don't want to hear it." She side-eyed him, then she reclined into her seat, crossed her arms in front of her chest and stretched out her legs.
"Did you really not mean to do it?" She guardedly watched him out of the corner of her eye. "Invade my mind?"
He shook his head. "No, I … I wanted an end to the pain. That's all."
Asuka watched him for a moment longer, then she turned away. "That's not really possible", she said tonelessly.
Shinji sighed deeply. "I know."
"You … you really have seen everything, haven't you?"
"I don't know. I've seen ... a lot. I'm sorry."
Asuka tensed up a little. For a few minutes, she sat uneasily, shifting her position in irregular intervals, shooting him elusive glances. More than once she looked as if she was about to speak, but she remained silent.
At last, she took her interface clips off the table.
"I think it'll rain tomorrow."
Shinji turned to her. "Why?"
"Just a feeling. There's some static in the air."
"How do you know?"
Asuka held the clips to the back of their head. "It tingles." She looked at him quizzically. "Did you never notice?"
He shook his head.
She lowered her arms. "You never wore them much, did you?"
"No."
Her gaze lingered on him, then it was drawn back to the clips in her palms, growing distant as she ran her thumbs over their glossy surface. Eventually, she slipped them into her pocket.
As the sun disappeared below the horizon, a cool evening breeze came from the sea, and Shinji lost the struggle against his own eyelids. Darkness took him – and disappeared seemingly in an instant, as he jolted awake again when Asuka tried to push him off her shoulder.
He didn't want to stand up. He wanted to lean against her again, hold onto her and stay there forever. But it was not to be, and he knew it when she rose, took his wrist and urged him to follow her.
The moon was just coming up, and as soon as they had wandered into their bed, Asuka closed the curtains. They undressed – Asuka under the cover of the sheets – but she stopped him before he could touch his briefs, pushing him back onto the mattress instead. She draped the blanket over both of them, and Shinji felt her lying down besides him with her back turned to him, resting her head on his outstretched arm. Her hand reached for his wrist, tugging his other arm around her waist, and, unsure what else he was supposed to do, he followed her movement by rolling onto his side.
Asuka curled up so as to not allow his arm to come into contact with her midsection. She moved his hand to her breastbone, holding onto it afterwards, shifting until she found a comfortable position.
Shinji's sleep-addled brain didn't object when he acted on an impulse and gently moved to hold her more closely. Her scent enveloped him for the second time this day, and he could feel her ribs against his chest, prompting the need to strengthen his embrace even more - as if she was a tortoise and he was trying to become her shell.
He reminded himself that he should not get carried away – this was all just part of their deal, nothing more, and he couldn't help but feel a pang of regret at the thought, soon followed by all too familiar guilt. He still got so much more than he deserved. But when he heard her breathing become slower and shallower, his thoughts finally quieted down, and he drifted off to dreamless sleep himself.