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Home Sweet Home
Since the day was warming, I cleaned the fish and then skewering it, cooked it over the open fire. I had pulled on my long underwear, trousers and my shirt but only partially buttoned it and left it untucked; there was a sensuality hanging over us that made me reluctant to pull on my boots, signaling the end of our Edenic existence. Kopakashe sat beside me as we waited for our breakfast. She had wrapped herself in a blanket, her long, dark hair hanging about her shoulders and down her back. God, she was beautiful. Her small, narrow feet stuck out from the cocoon and they were so lovely in themselves, I had to fight the urge to lift them to my lips and kiss each delicate toe, tipping her over in the process and then…well, my imagination ran to the indecent.
She reached out and touched my cheek, saying something and the blanket dropped off that shoulder, exposing one breast and revealing a rashy red streak along her right collarbone. I realized I had done that last night while burrowing my face against her; I wondered where else I had left my mark.
"You telling me I need a shave?" She only stared at me, touching my cheek again and I grabbed her hand and kissed the small fingers that curled about mine. "I love you, Kopakashe. I really do." And I kissed her hand again. I wondered if it was easy for me to voice my love, to open my heart to Kopakashe because she didn't understand me. I had never really been able to say those things to a woman before, not even Darla; I had tried but found I practically choked on the words. But this little Shoshone squaw drew out all my tenderness, all my kindness and all my lust—a volatile mixture. I caressed her face and suddenly, she raised her voice and pointed to the fire, alerting me to my fish. The flaky, white flesh was separating and the whole fish threatened to drop into the fire. She handed me a shallow clay bowl and I held it under the fish with one hand while with the other hand, I gingerly slid the stick out and our breakfast was served.
I cleaned up, tossing the fish spine and any other detritus into the fire while she sat wrapped up, watching. "I'm doing all the work here," I told her. She smiled slightly. "I would think after all that energy I expended last night and then this morning, you could be a bit more helpful. But I guess I'm just a fool for love. Now you get dressed while I let the chickens out to scratch up their breakfast and hitch and load up the travois."
I opened the latch on the chicken cage and the two in there were reluctant to leave. I tipped the cage and they rolled out and once their panic subsided, they went about scratching in the dirt and grass for bugs and what-not. I was heading to fetch Little Lou but Kopakashe called my name and when I looked, she motioned for me to follow her. I had no idea where she was going but I'd be damned if I was going to let her go off into the brush and trees wearing only a blanket. But a few yards in, the blanket dropped away and I was chasing her while she laughed as if it was a great game. She ran as nimbly and lightly as a young deer, on her toes, never landing flat footed to avoid any stones or rough pieces of wood. I wasn't quite so "graceful" and found myself, yelping "Ow!" a few times, favoring one foot or the other after a meeting of my tender arches with a rock. But she led me to the edge of the creek although I was practically hobbling by then.
"Oh, no, you don't. That water's as goddamn cold as a well-digger's ass."
But laughing, she stepped into the water, shuddered at the cold but then turning, she looked at me and swam in deeper, ducked under the surface and then rose again downstream to face me. "Ad-am! Ad-am!" She beckoned to me and said something else which was probably an insult about my cowardly ancestors being too afraid of a little cold water. I pulled off my trousers and shirt, peeled off my long johns, practically falling over I was in such a hurry, and steeling myself, stepped into the creek up to my waist and made a big show of shivering. She laughed so I ducked under the water and came up behind her. Kopakashe spun around and laughing, slipped under the water again and like a slick, boneless eel, seemed to wrap herself about me. You'd think the shocking cold water would quell any desire in me, but no. Once again, but this time more slowly and far more exquisitely, we joined and there was something far more serious about it, a different tenor. Perhaps because we were in the water which is almost a deity in itself to the Shoshone. I didn't really know, but I felt such strong emotion that my throat threatened to lock on me. Kopakashe wrapped her slim legs about my waist, and as she rested her head on my shoulder, her arms about my neck, her small breasts pressed against my chest, I feared such acute happiness might just kill me.
~ 0 ~
I loaded the travois once I attached it to Little Lou while Kopakashe sat and combed out her hair with a carved wooden comb with thick teeth. About her neck she wore the strand of turquoise and shells I had bought from the old Bannock woman; it had fallen out of my shirt pocket when I picked it up by the creek and Kopakashe looked at the gemmy strand that landed on the grass. I told her it was for her and slipped it over her head, flipping out her thick, wet hair from beneath it with the backs of my hands. She smiled at me and touched it and said a few words and she looked more beautiful than any other woman wearing a strand of rubies and diamonds. I bent down and kissed the red spot on her collarbone, noting a few other places that were abraded by my whiskers, and she was taken aback; she may have thought it was an overture to sex again, not that I would have necessarily minded, or that it was just an unusual action, but she smiled and touched my mouth. Then she hurried off, heading back to camp.
I saddled my horse, Kopakashe was riding bareback, while she deftly braided her wet hair into a long braid. I looked about to see if I had forgotten anything, wondering what my father, Hoss, Joe and most of all, Hop Sing would have to say about her coming back. Then there was the issue of my father's "roof". I wouldn't be able to stay away from Kopakashe now that I had tasted the forbidden fruit, and I doubt she would be separated from me by a mere set of doors. Hypocrisy seems to be only a white man's sin and communicating that we couldn't spend our nights locked in an embrace, well, she would find it ridiculous. And to be honest, I did too. I'd deal with that though once we were back home.
I turned my horse toward home and Kopakashe, paying no heed to me, continued easterly, leading Little Lou behind her. I rode about and grabbed her horse's reins.
"No, no, no," I said. "We're heading back to the Ponderosa." I would have liked to think she had only become confused about directions, but I knew she hadn't; I realized she had no intention of going back but I tried anyway. Still holding the reins of her little Appaloosa, I pulled its head about, encouraging it to go west.
She spat out something and tried to jerk the reins from me but I held tight, refusing to let go. She obviously recognized the name "Ponderosa" and was determined to go on her way east, but as far as I knew, nothing was out there for her. She obviously didn't want to return to her tribe or she would have headed north, but from what I knew, danger was all that lay ahead for her in the east, just homesteaders and Army forts. We sat on our horses, staring at each other, trying to imagine what the other might be thinking. I understood why she wouldn't return to the Ponderosa on her own, but not why she wouldn't return with me. The past night and morning had been blissful…for both of us. I recognized her pleasure in my embrace, her ineffable desire for me. So wouldn't her love for me be enough to override any disdain for my family and our home? I felt it should. And then I recognized what a selfish bastard I was.
It's odd. I don't think women and men really understand each other when it comes to desire. A woman might desire a man but I don't think it's to the same degree a man desires her; in any relationship with a female, for men, that's what comes first—the want. We want and want and when we finally take the woman, we think, aha, now she's mine! We think we possess her but actually, if love's involved, it's the other way around. Men are such fools, kept hostage by our male member. But Kopakashe could easily have left me, just ridden away and lived out her life and probably, hopefully, often thought fondly of me, but I could no more leave her than cut out my beating heart and continue to exist.
A thought came to me and I pointed to the south. She looked at me suspiciously but when I started to lead her horse in that direction, she allowed it and we rode for another three hours or so until we came to a line shack, the closest one to the ranch house. And there we stopped.
I guess the name says it all. It's a shack, a tended one but still a one-room shack with a cowshed behind it. It's there so the hands who, when out on the property, can bed down if they'll be away from the ranch for a few days or even overnight. My family used this one and the others that were dotted about the Ponderosa, when we checked the perimeter of our property. But for now, it was going to be our home. At least I hoped so. I dismounted and so did Kopakashe, not waiting for me to come about and lift her down.
"This is where we'll stay for a while, at least until I can build us a home. Do you remember that place I showed you where I talked…well, where I said I'd thought of building a house? I will but I can't start for a while, I mean at least until spring roundup is over. Then I can manage it but I'll put in an order for special beams and such..." Kopakashe said nothing and I felt myself flush with embarrassment; here I was, a wealthy Cartwright and I was bringing my bride to a shack as her first home and blathering about building some vision I had entertained since a boy. "But we can stay here. It's close enough to the Ponderosa that I can get there in about an hour and, well, it's far enough away that we can live here and not worry…it's the best I can do right now. It's no fancy house but it has some comforts and it's stocked with canned food. The rest I can get, bread and such because I don't think I could stomach anymore of those oat cakes." I found it amusing that we ate the oats intended for the horses and she fed the carrots to the horse after first taking a bite herself, to clean her teeth apparently. I opened the front door of the line shack and looked inside. "C'mon," I said, beckoning her over. "Look at your little honeymoon cottage."
Kopakashe slowly came over and peeked inside, craning her neck, unsure of what she would see. She started to step in but I scooped her up and held her in my arms. She grabbed my shirt, clasping the bear claw necklace as well and said something but once I laughed and spun about with her in my arms, she smiled and laughed as well. "The groom carries his bride over the threshold of their first home and my wife, this is it, for better or worse." And looking down at her, at her smile and her large dark eyes, I knew she loved me. And although it wasn't a tradition of the Shoshone, I lightly kissed her sweet mouth. She was surprised, her eyes widening. She then reached up and touched my mouth and then hers. Then, like a child, she swung her legs while demanding to be put down and I did. And my bride looked about the dusty shack that was her, or should I say, that was our, new home.
As she walked about the small room, looking at the ceiling which was only the underside of the roof planks, the stove in the corner and the shelves filled with cans of beans, peaches and various vegetables, I opened the two windows to air out the place. Then I pushed the pump handle over the sink and on the second pump, water gushed out. I pumped it a few more times until the water ran clear of any rust from the pipes "See? Water at your lovely fingertips. And look, there are beds," I said, patting the upper bunk.
I didn't expect Kopakashe to be impressed—and she wasn't—but I hoped she would recognize that I was trying to take care of her. I wanted to head over to the Ponderosa to tell my family where we were and not to send ranch hands to this line shack, and to fetch some of my things; I longed for the feel of clean clothes and to get my razor, not just for Kopakashe's sake, but my cheeks and chin itched. But most of all, I longed for my guitar. I wondered how I could leave and have Kopakashe know I would return? I started by letting out the two chickens; hopefully she wouldn't have snapped both their necks and have them roasting when I returned. Then I unhitched Little Lou from the travois, putting her and the Appaloosa in the cow shed, and started putting Kopakashe's belongings, the pottery and such along with the blankets and furs, in the shack. She watched me, not quite sure what to make of what I was doing but finally, I finished. I pulled off my hat and wiped my sleeved arm across my forehead before replacing my hat.
"Now," I said, "I'm going to the Ponderosa." I put my hand on my chest and then made the roof facsimile with my hands. "I'm going to get some things but I'll be back. Here!" I pointed at the floor. Kopakashe was expressionless, probably wondering if she had joined herself to a madman. "I'm coming back here to you afterwards. Okay?" She stared at me. I pulled her to me and quickly kissed her again. Her lips parted and I said, "Kiss," and did it again. She stepped back, furrowing her brow. "I'll be back soon," I said and headed out the door. I saw my trail coat tied on my saddle by the bedroll thongs and untied it, went inside and hung it on the end post of the bunks. Then I pulled off my hat and hung it on one of the hooks by the door. I hoped that she would understand that by leaving my coat and hat there, it meant I was returning.
Once on my horse, I looked back and Kopakashe stood in the open doorway, watching me. I gave a slight wave and headed toward the Ponderosa, my stomach in a knot, fearful that when I returned, she would be gone. If Kopakashe left me twice, I wasn't sure I wouldn't just let her go.
TBC