If I Forget Where I Am When I Wake Up, I Close My Eyes (Sometimes It's Better to Hide the Emotions and Stay Inside)

"And now does this beg the question: if we can stay in serenity? You're too afraid to learn to listen; that's what she said to me but you're gone. You made a promise to me and moved on, and now it's harder to breathe…"

('All or Nothing' by 'State Champs')

Izuku is dreaming again, but this one is a true nightmare.

Older Izuku is standing in his Hero costume at the end of a horrifically dark alleyway. The alley is mostly destroyed, with impact craters in the sides of buildings and in the ground and huge spikes of ice crystallized along the way. One of the buildings is not in great shape from where Shouto put what amounted to a glacier into it, and it will likely collapse when the ice melts.

Shouto is exhausted, absolutely spent, kneeling and breathing heavily at the far end from where the older Izuku finds himself. He's been stabbed in the arm and in the side; his Hero costume runs red. Without the finesse to use his fire in a real scenario he's in danger of frostbite, too. Izuku can see frost and ice crystallization on his face, and his breath is coming out with steam puffs as the air itself in the alleyway is chilled considerably.

Native is leaning against the wall. He's dead, having bled out. Little Izuku doesn't know it yet, but his older self knows now. Native will be Stain, the Hero Killer's final fatality, in spite of all the effort and blood and sweat and tears that Shouto and Izuku put into trying to save him.

On the ground, in a pool of sickening blood, is Tenya. His legs are gone at the knee and his left arm hangs by a thread. Izuku and Shouto were too slow to get there, and Stain has done his work on the would-be successor to Ingenium. Older Izuku looks at Tenya sadly; he doesn't need Nana's help to remember this part with perfect clarity.

Little Izuku is trembling, sitting on his butt and trying to scoot backwards as quickly as he can. Stain's quirk had worn off for a moment and Izuku had already figured out the blood type requirement. It just doesn't matter when he doesn't have the kind of control he needs over One for All, when Shouto cannot or will not use his flames, and when Tenya is too blinded by his need for revenge to think clearly. He's covered in blood, though most of it is Tenya's. A looming figure stands above him, clad in black, gray, and red, and he is dark and foreboding in the angry night.

Izuku will never forget what the Hero Killer said to him, even if the scene is eerily silent.

"You and Endeavor's brat did well. I respect that. I'm surprised that such a worthless villain like Endeavor produced such offspring, but I guess if you make it your life's goal to not be like Endeavor, you'll turn out okay." Stain walks forward as he speaks and young Izuku freezes up; Stain holds a dagger to his mouth with his left hand, licking it. In his right hand, he holds a katana; it is covered in blood, mostly Tenya's, and its wicked blade glints crimson in the moonlight.

"You, on the other hand, I do not recognize. You remind me of him however. I expect more from you in the future." Stain reaches little Izuku and rests the blade of his katana on the young boy's shoulder. The fabric tears and a pinprick of blood flows forth. Little Izuku cannot move, but his eyes are wide with fear. "Do better than your friend did. He was consumed by vengeance. Heroes should be above that."

Then Stain lifts his blade and walks away, twirling the sword and putting it back in its scabbard without a second glance to the two boys he's defeated, the one he's mangled for life, or the pro Hero who has been snuffed out on the side. He reaches the end of the alley, next to the older Izuku as he observes. He remembers this part vividly and it haunts even his normal nightmares. Izuku does not need to turn to know what is coming from behind him.

"PROMINENCE BURN!"

Brilliant orange flames shot forward from somewhere behind like a space shuttle launch. There is no heat or sound to the flames in Izuku's memory as they consume him, too. Stain is consumed by the fire as well; he makes no attempt to dodge.

But before he is, he looks right at Izuku - at the older Izuku, less than a meter away. Like he knows. That is impossible, Izuku is certain. Perhaps a distortion of the memory by One for All. Izuku is standing between Stain and Endeavor at the end of the alley, so that is the most rational explanation.

But the vision still haunts Izuku when he wakes up.

Izuku woke up with a start once more and found that he was sweating hard.

He'd torn his sheets slightly in his sleep, and his hair was matted to his forehead. He panted hard, trying to regulate his intake, but it came out shuddering and broken. The world was spinning, and the soft green light of his clock on the bed stand was blinding as he tried to blink and gain his bearings again. After many painful, long minutes he felt he could breathe normally again. He blew out a heavy breath and screwed his eyes shut, not sure what to make of the newest nightmare. He still saw Stain's face and heard his last words.

Heroes should be above that.

Tenya's Hero career was over after that night. He was the first student to leave UA's Class A that year due to injury or death - though not the last. The press dubbed 1-A the 'Hell Class' after that due to the incident with the Hero Killer, and the USJ attack. It was traumatizing to Izuku, and the fact that it had to be hushed up and kept between him and Shouto didn't help matters. Nobody else in the class ever knew the truth even to that day, and it had stuck with Izuku even without Nana and One for All making his life worse.

Izuku thought he should call Tenya, hopefully this week. Maybe later, however, given that the clock showed it was a bit after two in the morning. It had been about three months since he'd talked to Tenya on the phone. It had been more than six since he visited. It was hard when he was always working, Izuku knew. Tenya lived with his family still, and to their credit he and his brother had gotten to be rather well known in the wheelchair basketball scene of Japan. The Ingenium family name had shifted from being respected in the Hero world to respected in the sports world, though that thought still made Izuku a little sad.

Izuku resolved to call Tenya later that day if he could. He deserved the company, given how badly Izuku felt he had failed his friend.

The only good that had come of it, really, was that it was how he and Shouto finally became friends. Shouto regretted even now that he hadn't been able to use his fire properly to fight for Tenya and Izuku, and Izuku apologized to him for not trying harder to help at the Sports Festival. It was an awkward start, but it had resulted in a great friendship and partnership in Hero duties.

It just… wasn't how Izuku wished things could've gone, sadly.

Izuku rolled so he was laying flat on his bed, his arms and legs splayed out to his sides, and stared at the ceiling fan. His sheets and blankets were all soaked with his sweat and messed up to the point that comfortable sleep would not be possible without him getting out of bed and remaking the bed anyway. Never mind that Izuku couldn't precisely remember where he had put his other set of sheets and didn't really want to go digging through the things he left in the bottom of his closet.

He grumbled and got out of bed after a few moments, quickly pulling the blankets and sheets off the bed as well as his pillow cases off the pillows, then took the heap of laundry over to his laundry room. He was quietly grateful he could afford an apartment with built-in laundry, at the very least. He dropped the pile to the ground in the laundry room and began pulling articles out individually to toss into the washing machine. Once that was done, he threw some soap in and shut the lid quietly, then hit the button to start. He didn't pay attention to the settings, because he couldn't be bothered to care at that moment. He had half a mind to sit down on top of the washing machine and let the rumbling keep him awake, so he could finish and not leave laundry in there sopping wet.

He knew that was a preposterous idea - and he'd probably fall asleep and slip off anyway and have to go into work with a big old bruise the next day. Instead, he walked over to the chair he kept in the laundry room and picked up the notebook left by it. It was a smaller composition notebook with a dark navy blue cover, and on the front he'd written 'Post-Graduation Hero Analysis - Laundry Room.'

He was probably the most neurotic person of his graduating class, truthfully. He had three of these room-specific notebooks; one for the laundry room, one for the bathroom, and one for his kitchen when he was cooking. He didn't use them for anything too serious, usually just doodling or brainstorming something more concrete to write in his main notebooks, which he kept in his spare bedroom 'office.' He sat down and laid the notebook flat on his legs, flipping through the pages until he got to the newest clean one. He had been writing about her last time he was here, and theorizing about her support gear, what she had, and where she got it. He wrote down 'Uraraka Ochako - Stratosphere' at the top of his new page and huffed a bit of air at it in annoyance.

Without thinking very hard about it, he started to draw, quickly making long, soft lines with his pencil. He intended to draw her in her… villain costume - he was quickly realizing that 'villain' didn't feel like a good term for her, given her lack of interest in fighting or grand plots, but 'thief' made him feel stupid for not having caught her yet - so that he could make notes on it and maybe create some diagrams. He wanted to specifically focus on her boots as well as note down his new observations regarding her quirk and how he was now pretty sure it came from her fingers.

He sat there for a long time. His washer's cycle was at least thirty minutes so he had time to kill. He sketched long, light lines, though each of his blinks was coming slower and slower. But he was starting to feel his eyelids grow heavy, and he groaned when he realized that he wasn't going to be able to sit still long enough for the whole cycle. That was when he stopped drawing and looked down properly, hoping he hadn't smudged the images beyond usage.

He realized his mind had been wandering, and he scowled when he realized that instead of drawing Ochako's costume, he'd drawn a profile of her face from yesterday: chestnut hair, shaded lightly in pencil black and white, framing her pretty face; the blushmarks that never seemed to go away and the softness of the cheeks they sat on; her large, chocolate colored eyes looking at him in amusement. To his absolute mortification, he'd drawn her smirking at him, her cute, pink lips curled up at the edges slightly.

He sighed and snapped the notebook shut, then set it aside with the pencil. Maybe he'd throw it in the ocean later.

Izuku stood up and stretched. Then he was pathetically startled by the washer beeping to indicate it was done. He rubbed his eyes vigorously, knowing he'd have eyebags in the morning. All he wanted was some decent sleep, though Nana was intent on that not happening. He made his way over and began the process of transferring the laundry to the dryer. He finished, closed the dryer door, and turned the dial to 'more dry.' Then he hit start and walked off to go to the kitchen without a second thought, deciding he would have more coffee.

If he had to stay awake, he'd have some damn coffee.

His apartment's living room and kitchen were an open floor plan, so there was just an open doorway to his kitchen. On the other side of the white pillar there was a bar-style kitchen island behind the sink, and he had three bar stools sitting on the side that faced the living room. He sat on the left-most bar stool and pulled his phone out. He'd plugged in the number she'd given him as 'Uraraka Ochako,' so he wouldn't have to keep the card. Izuku also did that so that if Shouto ever saw his phone for any reason, he would not get mercilessly teased more than he ever had in his life.

(the card was also on his refrigerator, hidden by a magnet; he would never admit that out loud)

Izuku sighed and started a new message chain on his phone.

Yeah, I'll come.

Tell me when and where, and I'll let you know if I will be at work or not.

Then he pressed the sleep button on his phone, set it face down on the counter, and leaned over to rest his head on his arms. He was out in less than ten seconds, his idea of getting coffee long forgotten.

The nightmares are ceaseless.

Older Izuku stands in the main observation area of the Central Tower of I-Island. His younger self is pinned by Wolfram against the wall with a cascade of twisted metal, on the losing end of a fight he wasn't really ready to face alone, while Melissa is weeping above her father's motionless form. Her father has been shot twice, and he will not survive the night. Izuku remembers this moment vividly, straining against steel in a desperate attempt to save David Shield, and how bitter it all was to be for nothing.

The dream flickers.

Now, little Izuku and Toshinori challenge Wolfram together, twin Bearers of One for All, as adult Izuku looks on from the side. It is a magnificent sight to behold as an observer and Izuku can't help but feel a little proud about it. It is the only time he ever got to fight alongside the Eighth Bearer of One for All as the Ninth Bearer of One for All, and he desperately wishes that there had been more times.

But between the death of David Shield and the reveal that All for One had definitely risen once again, it doesn't feel like a victory when they prevail. Izuku never forgets the sorrow and hurt that Melissa has on her face after the fact - or how utterly destroyed she looks at the funeral later on. He attends that funeral with Toshinori in a plain black suit, feeling utterly useless - like he'd always been told that he was.

Melissa was heartbroken, and Izuku regrets to this day that he couldn't even explain to her what her father died for. She doesn't always show it, in day-to-day life, but he knows that she is still devastated by it every day.

He doesn't know how he could ever make it up to her.

Izuku once again woke up very sweaty and with a start, and almost fell off the stool he was sitting on.

He caught himself on the edge of the counter and groaned when he felt how sore he was from his awkward position. His whole body hurt like he'd been on the losing end of a bar brawl, and he tried in vain to work the crick out of his neck.

"Why do you keep showing me this?" Izuku whispered to no one in particular. The vestiges of One for All were mysterious figures and rarely responded to him directly, but with how poor his sleep was getting to be he figured he had to try. Tsukauchi's words about 'just asking them' also echoed for him, and he hoped desperately that maybe just one time Nana could explain things to him properly.

He jumped a little when he felt a hand on his right shoulder, but it didn't feel like Toshinori and that kind of alarmed him. He turned slowly and saw a shadowy female figure, glittering in the dull light of his kitchen appliances. She wasn't… She was made of shimmering stars, like the personification of the universe itself, and he couldn't make out any features or eyes on her. But he felt warmth - an incredibly pure, powerful feeling from her - all the same.

She was important. You needed her.

Izuku blinked in confusion, sleep still in his eyes.

"Nana…?" He breathed. Then she was gone. He stood up and turned slowly to scan the room, already knowing it was a pointless gesture. He did it more for himself than anything. "I just don't… understand. Please, help me understand," he begged to an empty room. No response was forthcoming.

He was distracted when his phone buzzed. He reached over and turned the screen on, and found that it was now about six in the morning. He also had some missed texts, which he found unusual.

That's wonderful. We'll be meeting in a semi-public place.

There will be food. Plan for next Thursday at seven.

The next text was a link to his maps app showing where he was meant to go. He looked closely at it and it was… a restaurant? He'd never heard of it and its name wasn't in Japanese.

Wear something nice.

He narrowed his eyes at that, but decided it was better to let it go. It was all just a game; that was his mantra as he struggled not to be annoyed at her.

Fine. I'll be there.

Izuku grumbled as he typed out the reply, then shut off the screen. Then he shoved his phone in his pocket afterwards. He started padding down the hall back towards his laundry room. It was too late to sleep more, but he figured he might as well make the bed before he left, lest his future self be very displeased tonight.

Nana Shimura's words echoed through his thoughts, clear and bright as day as if she were speaking from within and not as if it were something he was remembering for himself.

She was important. You needed her.

Izuku didn't understand, but he resolved that he'd find out even if he had to drag it out of the vestiges in his own head. He knew it was something about his memories and about this case. He knew that he felt pushed to take this case… and maybe he had been wrong all along that it was his own latent impulse that carried him to do so. Izuku needed to figure things out, though, if he was ever going to get some decent sleep.

He was quietly afraid he might turn into Aizawa at the rate things were going.

It wasn't until about eight in the morning that Izuku decided to call Tenya before he had to get ready to go in for work.

Tenya Iida was an early-riser; even after his budding Hero career was cut short he still liked to get up at the crack of dawn and go to bed around nine or ten at night. He was punctual, consistent, and most of all, a bit formal. Tenya saw a lot of specialists and therapists after the incident with the Hero Killer, both to accommodate his disabilities and to deal with the trauma of what happened. Mei offered to build Tenya prosthetic limbs, but Tenya declined when they were back in school.

Izuku always kind of suspected it was some kind of matter of pride or shame to Tenya - like he didn't feel like he deserved it. That was utterly tragic to Izuku, given that he thought it was entirely his fault that things went so poorly for the speedy Hero-in-training. But Izuku felt it wasn't his place to bring up or discuss that kind of thing so he let the thought pass unsaid in the past.

Tenya's phone only rang once.

"Good morning, Izuku! What a pleasant surprise!" Tenya said, sounding far too awake for the time. Izuku awkwardly cleared his throat.

"Ha, yeah, good morning Tenya. How are you doing today? It's uh… it's been a while, I'm sorry about that…"

"That is no problem. I know you are very busy protecting Japan. I am doing quite well today, I was about to go practice with Tensei," Tenya said. Izuku smiled to himself at that.

"Basketball?" To his surprise, Tenya made a negative humming noise into the phone.

"No, he and I have taken up musical lessons. I am learning the violin!" Tenya declared, catching Izuku by surprise. He was a little torn at that. On the one hand he was glad that Tenya was never wanting for things to do, but on the other he felt bad that he wasn't caught up enough to be aware of what was new for him.

"That's really cool," Izuku said entirely sincerely, and he pushed his own feelings of conflict aside. "How is that going for you two?"

"Honestly, we are still in the 'learning how to read the notes' stage of things, but I am optimistic that things will progress smoothly!" Tenya said. Izuku smiled and imagined his animated gestures with his one hand, like a little robotic dance. He never did break out of that habit, even nearly a decade later.

"Does that mean you finally took Mei up on that offer for a new arm?" Izuku asked, connecting some dots in his head.

"I did, yes. She and Melissa are working on that now." He sounded… melancholy about it, but Izuku was hopeful that things would work out. Distantly, Izuku also hoped that wasn't what Melissa and Mei had been accidentally exploding the day before. "They informed me the process will require some surgery, so that will happen sometime next spring."

"I'm excited for you, Tenya! Let me know when you have a firm date, and I'll try and schedule some time off to come visit you in the hospital."

"That sounds lovely. Are you sure that Japan will survive if you take time off, though?" Tenya deadpanned. Izuku stifled a snort at his friend's tone. Was Tenya Iida making a joke at him?

"I couldn't tell you, I don't take time off unless Shouto puts a gun to my head," Izuku said with more than a little mirth. He was finally waking up properly now and the coffee he had sitting next to him on his little table next to his recliner was helping. He'd finished his laundry and remade his bed, and wiped down his kitchen table, too.

"Maybe you should consider taking it easy, Izuku," Tenya replied, his tone noticeably softer now. Izuku blinked in confusion at that. Tenya was the last person to suggest something like that.

"Wow, I must be working too hard, huh?" Izuku said, trying to make light of it.

"I rather think so, all things considered." Izuku didn't respond right away, so Tenya continued. "You are a great Hero, Izuku. Japan needs you - and that means it needs you in good shape, not just physically."

His tone was fairly heavy and meaningful, and Izuku made a small noise of affirmation.

"I'll keep that in mind, Tenya. Thank you… it means a lot to hear you say that."

"I am glad to know I helped. I must go now, as Tensei is gesturing for me to accompany him, but please consider taking things slower."

Izuku said his goodbyes and ended the call after that, dropping his hand with his phone down to his lap. He looked over at the framed photo he had of Class 1-A that was taken the first day of school. UA had organized them all together - nineteen students in total, a number caused by Izuku's status as a special recommendation student and associated organizational issues - and taken their pictures in their school uniforms.

There weren't nineteen when they graduated and it killed Izuku to feel like that was his fault.