Shikamaru was unimpressed. His desk was overflowing with fan mail. He picked up one envelope and stared with trepidation at the lipstick kiss mark that had been placed directly under Gilderoy Lockhart's name.
Nope. He would not deal with that.
"Minky!"
The house-elf immediately appeared next to him. "Professor Lockhart, sir, is calling Minky?"
"Yes," Shikamaru nodded at the envelopes. "Is there a way to check these are safe?"
Minky looked at the mountain of mails and her eyes lit up at the sheer amount of work. "Minky can look! Minky will be busy for at least six hours!"
Shikamaru threw her a strange look. For some reason, the house-elf sounded like Naruto when he was about to start – or end - a rigorous training day – positively elated.
He unconsciously edged away from the eager elf. Who knew if this passion was contagious? The last thing Shikamaru needed was being infected with the magical equivalent of "Narutoness."
"I will leave it to you then," Shikamaru stretched and left the happy elf in his office.
He stepped out of the door and was immediately assaulted by an overenthusiastic Hermione Granger. "Professor Lockhart!"
Shikamaru suppressed a sigh. "Yes, Miss Granger?"
The girl fiddled with her robe. "Uhm, I wanted to write home to my parents to get me some sports gear for your class and I thought you could give me some input on what I should get, sir? If you have time, of course," she added quickly.
Now that was a rather well-thought-out question. Shikamaru inclined his head. "I was on my way to lunch. We can talk on the way."
Hermione nodded eagerly.
Shikamaru did not really feel like explaining, but since he was saddled with this teaching-business, he might as well do it right. Now, what had Iruka-sensei said about choosing gear? Ah, yes. He remembered.
"Our lessons are going to involve a lot of physical training. Get something you feel comfortable wearing, but make sure it provides you with protection as well. The ideal gear is light, practical, and easy to maintain."
Hermione took out a notebook and quickly jotted it down.
Shikamaru was mildly amused. "Magic provides you with quite a lot of benefits. You can increase the durability of your gear, make it waterproof or fire-resistant. While you have cleaning charms, it is paramount that you learn how to take care of your gear without magic in case you ever lose your wand. "
Hermione nodded thoughtfully. "I see." She looked up and smiled at him. "Thank you, sir."
"Of course," Shikamaru replied. "Ah, I see the staircase. This is where I will leave you. Until later, Miss Granger."
Shikamaru disappeared in a swirl of leaves.
Hermione stared wide-eyed at the spot he had just vacated.
That was not supposed to be possible!
Lunch was a pretty… boring affair. Shikamaru only had to deal with six requests for autographs upon entering the Hall, and a screaming letter sent by a woman declaring her undying love.
He quickly decided that this was the first and last time he attended any kind of meal in person and proceeded to make a strategic retreat.
Meaning: He literally vanished from his chair, leaving only a couple of leaves behind.
The entire Hogwarts population emulated the same expression Hermione had worn earlier.
"Albus!" Minerva McGonagall whirled around to stare at the Headmaster. "He disappeared!"
The Headmaster nodded gravely and helped himself to a piece of lemon sponge cake. "A wise decision. Who knows if there are not more Howlers on the way?"
Minerva spluttered.
Over the next two weeks, Shikamaru's collection of fan letters grew to almost frightening proportions.
Minky had the time of her life sorting through it, but Shikamaru was quickly running out of cupboard space. Not to mention that it was getting quite tedious to be showered with papered love every time he opened his wardrobe.
On the positive side, however, his nightly dream visitors were too busy bickering among themselves that Shikamaru's sleep remained mostly undisturbed.
He had also not seen the deity for a fortnight, and while it was a welcome change, Shikamaru was getting rather apprehensive. He was quite sure Death was not done meddling around.
He would have to stay vigilant.
But first, he would take a nap.
Somehow the stairs looked rather inviting today.
The students of Hogwarts knew that Professor Gilderoy Lockhart was an eccentric person with the strange power to appear and disappear at his will.
But it was still a befuddling and disconcerting picture to see him napping on the bannister of the main stairway, six stories above the first floor.
The students gasped loudly when the staircase moved and Professor Lockhart simply opened his eyes, muttered "Troublesome," and casually walked down the railing before vanishing in a swirl of leaves and appearing right in front of the assembled students.
He stretched and casually sauntered out of the main door.
The last thing the students heard was a quiet "Tch. So noisy," before Professor Lockhart left for the grounds.
Fred and George stared after him with open mouths.
"That was –"
"- totally awesome!"
Shikamaru knew it had been too good to be true. Of course, death had to appear just when he had found a nice spot on the courtyard's column after being rudely chased away from the stairs.
The deity loomed over him and blocked his view of the flower-shaped cloud. "What do you want this time?"
The deity grinned. "So…I have been thinking. Since you were so unhappy with Hidan and Kakuzu interrupting your precious sleep -"
Shikamaru sent him a flat look.
"- I came up with a different solution!"
Shikamaru sighed. "What is it?"
Suddenly, something black and heavy closed around his right wrist and Shikamaru could feel a second presence in his mind.
'Are you Nara Shikamaru?' A deep voice inquired.
Shikamaru sighed. Great. Just great. 'Troublesome… but yes…?'
'I am Pain. The deity at your side promised me to help me in my quest to bring peace to the world, should I aid you.'
Bring peace? Death?! 'You do realize that this deity is Death? The peace it's talking about might be more eternal than you want.'
Pain was quiet for a moment. 'Sometimes peace can only be acquired through suffering. There is no greater pain than losing the ones you love most. You need to understand pain if you want to understand peace.'
Great. Just Great. First, he had to sleep with a maniac gushing about Jashin-sama and now he had a revolutionist stuck inside his head who called himself Pain and wanted to bring peace through suffering.
How was this supposed to be an improvement?!
Death grinned. "I knew you would like it! I am off now! Have fun."
'Well, child, shall we begin?'
Shikamaru groaned as the man started to lecture him on advanced chakra control.
Well, at least he could rest his eyes while listening.
Shikamaru's mind-guest proved to be just as unamused by the amount of fan mail as Shikamaru was.
'What exactly are you planning to do with these… atrocities, child?' Pain inquired when Shikamaru stalked through the mountains of envelopes covering the office floor. 'I refuse to spend further time in an office like this. It looks worse than the stacks of paperwork on my desk.'
Revolutionists had paperwork, too? It seemed like there was really no escaping it, no matter which profession you took.
Shikamaru shrugged and glared at the letters covering his shogi board. 'I have an idea.'
Madam Hooch was quite surprised when Professor Lockhart appeared at her rooms, gifting her one of his sparkling smiles and inquiring after the charms used on the quidditch equipment.
She answered his questions readily and even spent quite a bit of time demonstrating how to cast them.
It was way past curfew when they went to bed that night.
The next morning, the student body found another man-sized cardboard sitting on Professor Lockhart's chair.
It read: 'Don't eat anything before my lesson or you might throw up.'
The students were both excited and worried at the same time, wondering what their Professor had planned.
And while the students were wildly speculating about the contents of the lesson, Minerva McGonagall was complaining about children needing nutrients to grow.
Albus Dumbledore nodded absently and ordered the house-elves to distribute lemon drops among the house tables.
Neither the deputy headmistress nor the majority of the student body was particularly impressed with this decision.
At the Gryffindor table, Fred and George Weasley happily accepted the treats.
"Never turn down free sweets," Fred Weasley told the room sagely.
"Unless you don't know the person it came from," his brother added.
The Hogwarts' population came to a general consensus that day:
The Weasley Twins carried a wisdom that belied their age.
Hermione Granger was probably the most excited student Shikamaru had ever seen. Aside from Naruto, of course, but luckily enough he was not stuck teaching that particular ball of energy.
Shikamaru always got tired just from looking at him.
Still, the way Hermione wrote down absolutely everything he said was rather amusing. Although the hearts he could see on some notes were rather… alarming.
But as long as she did not start to request autographs written with lipstick, everything was fine.
Pain was silent inside his head. Shikamaru had quickly pegged him as someone who did not indulge in unnecessary conversations and preferred to observe instead.
Shikamaru stretched and casually walked down the tree. "Good morning students."
The mixed group of second-year Gryffindors and Slytherins stared in disbelief at their teacher, who was standing vertically on a tree, looking just as unbothered and unenthusiastic as ever.
"Wicked!" Ron muttered in awe.
Harry nodded quietly, equally impressed.
Draco Malfoy glared at his teacher. "How are you doing this?!" he demanded to know.
Professor Lockhart shrugged and lazily walked down. "Magic."
Some Gryffindors and a few Slytherins snickered at his response.
Draco Malfoy looked angry. "That's not an answer!"
"It is a reply I gave in return to your question," Professor Lockhart replied and leaned against the trunk. "I believe this is the definition of answer."
Draco spluttered.
Professor Lockhart walked past him and gave his students a blinding smile. "I hope you all followed my instructions."
The class nodded wearily.
"Sir?" Hermione asked eagerly. "What are we going to do?"
Suddenly a gigantic bag appeared next to their teacher. He opened it and smiled. "Dodge."
His sparkling smile was the last thing they saw before thousands of letters shot out of the bag and descended on the unsuspecting students.
The children screamed and tried to flee, but they were surrounded from every direction.
A heavily perfumed letter hit Draco Malfoy directly on his head.
Next to him, Pansy Parkinson tried to run from a pink parchment.
'So this is what you had planned,' Pain commented as they watched the children ran around in chaos. 'A rather ingenious use.'
Shikamaru hummed. 'I was planning on teaching them to doge anyway, and I needed to get rid of the letters. Papers are the softest objects to be hit with.'
'But they leave nasty cuts,' Pain added.
Shikamaru flopped onto the floor. 'Those cuts will be healed in seconds–and they have blood replenisher if they need it.'
'Indeed.'
Shikamaru took out his shogi board. 'Say, Pain-san, do you know how to play shogi?'
'Certainly,' his mind-guest replied. 'But you will have to move the pieces for me.'
'No problem.'
And while the second years enhanced their dodging skills, Shikamaru spent a nice morning playing shogi against Pain.
The winner, however, remained a mystery, because a stray love letter swept the board clear with the sheer strength of the feelings it carried.
A/N
So, I kind of considered discontinuing this story on FFN because dealing with the sheer amount of ...unpleasant and rather toxic guest comments and PMs I have received is getting a bit tiresome.
I am going to try it out once more, but if it continues, I will only be updating on AO3. - In this case, I'll let you know, though, so you can still read it over there. Just consider this a heads-up. =)
In any case, I hope you enjoyed the chapter :D