Chapter 5: The world isn't black and white

By: Alexa V.

Lily sat in waiting at the secret alcove that only very few students in Hogwarts know of its existence, she and Severus included. It was lunch time, after her charms class she briefly passed the great hall to grab a sandwich and immediately darted towards the secret alcove to wait for Severus. She recalls it was Severus who had discovered it after they both got lost and he needed to lean on the wall to think, but instead he fell right through it. After that day it had always been their little hideout. A space for the two of them, their own little world away from house rivalries, away from Potter and his group, and away from the rumored death eaters of school. As she continued to reminisce of the good times, she heard the familiar shuffling of feet beyond the wall until finally, in came Severus. Lily practically pounced him, as she hugged him she could smell the familiar scent of parchment, ink, and the dewy grass. Severus stood so still as Lily hugged him, but after a moment of processing what she was doing he couldn't help but hug her back, only this time a bit more tighter than usual. Memories of his future flooded him like a tsunami, Lily's death, the constant nightmares, the never ending urge to end his life every night, the constant reminder of her through her son's eyes in the face of his childhood bully everyday at Hogwarts, knowing the reason he is motherless is because of him. It shocked Lily to feel Severus hug her back, much more when his hug grew tighter at every second that passed. When they were younger and she'd go in for a hug, he'd always stand rigid at the close contact, but now he felt different. This hug felt sad and lonely.

"Sev? Are you alright?" Lily asked in a tight voice.

Severus didn't realize how tight he must have hugged her until he heard her speak in a choked tone. Immediately he let go of her, this parting gave Lily a feeling of longing, wishing the hug lasted a bit longer.

"I'm fine. It's just… I've been really stressed out lately." Severus said, looking away from her to sit at his usual spot at the alcove, across from Lily.

"Are you sure?" Lily asked, doubting him as she watched Severus walk away from her to sit at his spot.

"I'm sure." he said, giving her a small smile. Pulling his wand out, he conjured a ball of light that floated into the top and illuminated the whole alcove. Next he pulled out a copy of the book 'Secrets of the Darkest Arts' he borrowed earlier that morning before he arrived at the Great hall before breakfast.

The moment she saw the book it triggered Lily like a dog who had just sniffed out game. She tried to ignore that feeling for now so that she wouldn't ruin the moment. Trying to think of a topic other than the dark arts for now.

"How are your other classes?" Lily asked Severus as a startup conversation.

"Hm. I'm doing well, and you?" Severus said nodding and asked back.

"I'm good." Lily replied.

They both fell into silence while Severus continued to read the book. He was so deep into what he was reading that he didn't notice Lily fidget in her place.

'Why does the silence feel so awkward?' Thought Lily to herself. She decided to try and make conversation again, especially because she was curious about Iris.

"So you and Iris were pen pals?" Lily asked, trying to hold a conversation. Severus flinched at the question. But kept his cool.

"Yes." He simply said.

"I didn't know you had a pen pal for 5 years. Why didn't you tell me? I thought we were friends, best friends. You should have told me about her." Lily said, slightly pouting.

Severus sighed, he tried not to glance at Lily as he answered, he knew that Lily can always tell if he's lying to her through his eyes.

"We are Lily. It's just… It's a bit complicated to explain." Severus said, shooting down any sign for a conversation again. At this point, Severus' small talk began to tick Lily off.

"Why don't you want to talk about her to me?" Lily asked, inching closer to Severus to try and get him to look at her.

"She's just not someone I want to talk about." Severus said, still avoiding eye contact.

"Why are you avoiding me?" Lily asked, inching even closer to him.

"I'm not." Severus said, continuing to pretend to read.

"You are." Lily said, pulling the book down.

"If I was avoiding you, do you think I'd be here?" Severus said, finally looking at her.

"Then why wouldn't you look at me? Are you hiding something?" Lily asked, her tone becoming more questioning.

"Lily, I thought you wanted to hang out, why does this feel like an interrogation?" Severus said, sighing at Lily.

"It wouldn't feel like an interrogation if you'd just answer. Does this mean you're really hiding something from me?" Lily asked, at this notion Severus looked away from her again, crossing his arms as he gave a frustrated sigh. "Does she have something on you? Is she threatening you?" Lily asked even further, slightly raising her voice as she continued to question him.

"She's not! She has done none of the sorts. Why are you even so interested about her?" Severus asked, his voice slightly raising as well.

"Because I saw her spying on you at the common room! People are on guard because of her, she doesn't even use a wand most of the time, isn't that strange? Peeves is terrified of her. While she's stuck to you like glue and we don't even know her intentions." Lily said, as she stood up. Frustrated at Severus for not feeling the least bit on edge with Iris' presence.

"Stop this Lily. She wouldn't hurt anyone, not without a reason anyway. What's wrong with not using a wand? It just means she has more control over her magic and doesn't need training wheels unlike us, who still need wands. Just stop trying to meddle in Iris' affairs." Severus said, who also stood up in frustration. Trying to close the conversation about Iris into a final note. Severus tried to walk out of the alcove. But Lily was far from satisfied.

"Are you not the least bit concerned by any of the things I had just said to you? Why are you still defending her?" Lily said, by now she had completely raised her voice.

Severus swiveled at her direction abruptly, his stoic features where now replaced by an angered one.

"Because she defended me!" Severus argued.

"So what am I to you? Air?!" Lily argued back, she felt insulted.

"You're one to talk. You? Defend me? You couldn't even defend me from your own house while your friends called me a death eater in the works, right in front of your face!" Severus yelled, approaching Lily.

"Sev, you know that's-" Lily tried to defend herself but Severus cut her off.

"Don't think I don't hear what they say about me to you. Also you hate being seen in public with me! Do you even realize how quick you are to walk away from me when any of the Gryffindors are in the area? Look where we are right now, in a hidden alcove where no one can see us. You're embarrassed of me!" Severus pointed out to her.

"Sev, that is not tr-"

"You didn't defend me when I was being hoisted in the air or laughed at while my books, bag, and my own mouth was scourgified or blasted half of the time in a single school day. Iris only saw it happen once and she helped me."

"But I did-"

"Sure, yelling at Potter to stop rather than actually reversing the spell with your own wand, you're the best in Charms, Lily. Yet you'd still rather wait for Potter to reverse it himself while I'm still either dangling, choking, or wriggling on the floor for everyone to see. Great way of defending me, it really makes you look like a martyr, Lily." Severus said, saying the last sentence sarcastically.

"At least Potter and his gang aren't using or studying dark magic. Unlike you and Mulciber and his gang!" Lily pulled out of her mouth, throwing Severus' dark arts book at him. If she could, she wanted to take back her words and shove it back in her throat. She didn't mean for the conversation to go to this point. She had planned out how she was going to settle the dark arts issue in a more passive way. But it was too late, anger had blinded her by then and so did for Severus.

"Just cause what they're using on me isn't dark magic doesn't automatically make them saints, Lily! And don't you dare lump me in with the likes of Mulciber!" Severus said, picking the book up from the floor and shoving it in his bag.

"You and the rest of the Slytherins laughed when Mulciber pulled that awful stunt on Mary! You called it a joke, but Mary ended up in the hospital wing for a week!"

"I'll admit, I was pretty fucking stupid to think like I did before, and I am well aware of that now. But did you not think that had I not went along with it, Mulciber would have done the same thing to me? I sleep in a nest of snakes while the lions roam outside! There is no safe place here for me, Lily! Not even from you! I had to choose a struggle!" Severus said, yelling the last sentence as if his heart was about to jump out of his mouth.

A deep and uncomfortable silence swept the two. Processing what Severus said, Lily felt like a huge ball of dragon dung at this point. She wasn't aware of the extent of his struggles until now. Severus approached her closer, their faces inches away from each other. Had the atmosphere not been full of anger and sadness, this closeness would have sent butterflies in Lily's stomach.

"And may I remind you that just because I study the dark arts doesn't automatically mean I want to use it. Couldn't you have thought that I am studying it so that I know what happens when I or anyone is attacked by it? And how to reverse it? No. That's because you keep looking at the world through rose colored glasses. Magic doesn't necessarily mean light or dark, good or bad. It's not what kind of magic you're using, but the intentions behind it."

With that being said, Severus picked his bag up and walked out of the alcove, the ball of light dying out the moment Severus left. Leaving Lily behind in the dark alcove. The moment Severus' presence left the small room, the alcove suddenly felt colder and lonely. Lily didn't realize she had been crying until a tear drop landed on her hand. By then she had completely broken down, the conversation didn't go as she had planned.

"You idiot… You just had to blow up at him like that." Lily muttered to herself in between sobs.

Thinking back to their conversation, she couldn't help but feel like shit. Their relationship was already rocky, by now it was practically in crumbs. The fight with Severus had broken her heart. But at the same time Lily still needed answers, she realized that the best way to find out Iris' intentions was to approach her directly. Hearing the clock tower chime, signifying the end of lunch. She wiped her tear stained face to head to her next class, Herbology. As she was walking to the greenhouses, she realized that she was in the same class as Iris. It seems that she'll be getting those answers sooner than later.

When Severus walked out of the alcove he didn't know where his feet were taking him, he just wanted to be as far away from the alcove as soon as possible. Severus didn't realize how far and long he had walked until he found himself in the forbidden forest. Making sure that he wasn't in earshot of anyone or anything. He threw his bag on the ground and began to yell his heart out. Aiming his wand at trees and yelling his own made spell, 'sectumsempra'. Slice marks filled the tree trunk in quick successions, one after another. Some slices deeper than the other. Once he was worn out he laid on the dirt, staring up at the sky, trying to catch his breath. Suddenly a face appeared, looking down at him.

"What's the old pine tree ever done to you, Viper?" Iris asked Severus in a stoic tone.

"Leave me alone Iris." Severus said turning away from her. Iris remained stoic to Severus' reply to her. Looking around the forest she speaks again.

"What an odd place for you to release your anger."

Sitting up in an upright position and his back to her, Severus asks. "What are you doing here? Don't you have Herbology?"

"Oh I did, I was having a wonderful conversation with a lovely pot of Fanged Geranium when I saw your red knight walk in. Only a fool wouldn't notice her swelling eyes. After that I just knew I had to find you. I take it the alcove meetup wasn't a great one?" Iris said, glancing at Severus with the corner of her eye.

Picking himself up to dust the dirt off his already tattered robes, Severus replies without turning to her. "I'm sure you already know what happened, maybe you even heard it."

"It might come as a surprise, but I didn't. Like I said, I'm trying to lay low so that my colleagues can't find me. So I can't expand my all sight throughout Hogwarts for more than a minute, I only used it to find you here. Additionally, that Fanged Geranium was surprisingly a great talker so I was slightly distracted." Iris explained, gently touching the trunk of the sliced pine tree, healing its marks with a sweep of her hand.

The two fell into a silence, the only thing that could be heard was the soft rustling of tree branches as the wind passed them. After awhile Severus spoke.

"I feel stupid." Severus mutters.

Iris didn't reply, waiting for Severus to continue speaking.

"I've already lost her once, and now I'm losing her again. I don't know what I should do, so many things are clouding my mind right now. So many things I need to do in order to avoid the worst. Choosing my actions carefully as if I was walking on glass. I've been given a second chance at life and yet, it feels like living in the future all over again." Severus said, turning to face Iris who continued to stare at him. "I don't want to lose her in this life too."

"If that's so, then maybe the problem in this life isn't you." Iris said to Severus. Walking closer to him. "You've already made too many first steps, now it's her turn. Give her time, only then will we see how much you mean to her."

Severus stared at Iris who was half a head smaller than him, slowly bringing his head down and staring at the ground he nodded his head at her suggestion. Iris nodded at him with an approving smile.

"Don't let what happened cloud your mind from your goal right now." Iris said. Severus looked up at Iris.

"Regulus Black." They both said in unison.

"What's your plan?" Iris asked Severus.

"Simple." Severus said, summoning his bag to him. He pulls out the parchment he had written earlier of what he knew about Regulus. At the end of the list was Kreacher's name that was encircled rather than scratched out unlike the rest. "Pull his heart strings. If it's worked in the future, it'll work now. No matter what his mother had set in stone."

Iris nodded at him.

The two walked back towards the castle, at a window of an empty classroom at the 7th floor, a young boy was watching the two students come out the forbidden forest.

"The half-blood's got guts. He's different than before. Do you think they shagged in there?" Mulciber said, chuckling to Avery who sat across from Rosier.

"You really can't get over him beating you in less than a minute can you? Queen to h5." Asked Rosier, without looking at Mulciber, as he and Avery played wizarding chess. Rosier's Queen smacking Avery's knight into pieces.

"Let him be, Evan. It's a good practice for Mulciber to feel motivated. It's called sportsmanship. Pawn to c4." Avery said, chuckling. His pawn smashing into Rosier's pawn.

"Sportsmanship? Mulciber doesn't know a thing about that, if he did he'd know how to play with us right now without flipping the board at a second's notice his pawn was smashed into smithereens. Bishop to c4." Rosier teased, his Bishop piercing a hole into Avery's pawn.

"Are you two mocking me?" Mulciber said through gritting teeth. Walking away from the window and closer to the two.

"Merlin, No. We're simply describing you. It's not mocking if it's factual. Knight to c6." Avery said with a smirk. His knight moving into place.

"Precisely. Pawn to g6. " Rosier added, moving his pawn a step forward.

"But honestly Mulciber, after what had happened at the dorms, do you really think you can face Snape head on?" Avery asked. "You said so yourself, he's different. Rook to a5." Avery said, his rook smacking into Rosier's rook, it's broken pieces flying off the board. "To be perfectly honest, I could give a dementor's wit about whatever the hell Snape wants to do. He's won fair and square. You however, think otherwise."

"Then what do you two 'brilliant geniuses', suggest?" Mulciber asked, crossing his arms in front his chest.

"It's no doubt that Snape, despite being a half blood, is a genius himself. He would be a great asset to the cause." Rosier said, turning to Mulciber. "It's only a matter of using the right moves to catch him where we want him. No matter how small the ways. Pawn to g7." Rosier's pawn moves one step forward, trapping Avery's King that sat in h8, while his Bishop guarded g8.

"Merlin's bloody balls." Avery muttered in defeat.

"You see Mulciber, it's not about what you do to him, but how you use him for your benefit. Snatch him right under his feet. Present him to the Dark Lord yourself and watch as you rise up the ranks." Rosier said, patting Mulciber at the shoulder. Taking an Ice mice from his pocket to pop it in his mouth, the squeaks of the Ice mice, being chewed by Rosier, filled the quiet classroom as Rosier kept staring out the window. "It seems it's going to rain soon." He mutters to himself.

Lily and the rest of her classmates in her Herbology class were walking from the greenhouse back into the castle. After class had ended it began to drizzle first until it completely started to rain cats and dogs. By the time she had entered the castle she was completely drenched, she was already heartbroken about what happened between her and Severus. But the fact that Iris had suddenly disappeared in the middle of class as well made her day completely sour. Her, being drenched, was like the icing on top. Using a quick drying charm, she dried herself off but it made her uniform crease. She felt like she just wanted to get in her dorm and sleep for the whole day. As she was walking towards the Gryffindor tower, before she could turn a corner at an empty hall she heard familiar voices. Leaning close to the walls she slowly peeked to see it was Iris and Severus.

"Alright, you know what to do. Now wipe your face, your housemates will think you were crying." Iris said, putting her hand to his face to brush a thumb over his cheek.

"Tsk, I wasn't crying you're over exaggerating." Severus said, lightly smacking Iris' hand away from him. But he wiped his eyes and cheeks for a good measure.

"Whatever you say, Viper. Watch your back by the way. I saw a few particular boys who tried to curse you in your sleep while watching you last night." Iris said leaning on the stone wall.

'Watching him last night? But she was in bed the whole time.' Thought Lily who continued to pry into their conversation.

"I'm not surprised. It's happened a lot of times, it's why I place protection charms before I sleep. But Iris, you need to be more careful at Gryffindor tower." Severus said, approaching Iris closer while eyeing the halls.

"You don't need to remind me, I'm sure you've heard from her. I was careless but it won't happen again." Iris said while clicking her tongue. "And one more thing." Approaching Severus to whisper into his ear. Lily couldn't hear what she said, but she could see Severus' face turn bright pink.

"You saw me in my-"

"It's not like I haven't seen it before, Viper. But we do have to go shopping for new pairs, you're two sizes bigger than those graying ones." Iris said, pointing below Severus' waist. Severus instinctively tried hiding his crotch with his hands.

Lily almost coughed out loud, even she felt embarrassed hearing them. "What does she mean she's already seen 'it'?" Lily turned bright pink.

"Do you not have a shred of decency?" Severus said, eyeing her with a horrified look.

"Believe me I do, but I know a good package when I see one and that's a compliment coming from me. Just please join me in Hogsmeade at the weekends." Iris pleaded, while crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"Fine. Even if I said no you'd still make me go so what's the point in arguing." Severus said turning away from Iris to walk the hallway across from her leading to the lake.

"And where are you going this time? I already brought you back in the castle from the forest and now you're going out again? It's pouring." Iris asked.

"I need a certain plant that only grows at the beaches of the lake. It helps aid in knee pains." Severus said, pausing to explain to Iris.

"Ah, I see. Will I be seeing you at dinner?" Iris asked.

"No, not tonight. I'll be brewing and possibly finish reading this." Severus explained, looking into his bag to see what other ingredients did he need and pulling out the Dark arts book.

"Alright, see you tomorrow then. Happy brewing and make sure you learn well." Iris said, smiling.

Severus continued to walk away but suddenly stopped to put his hands behind his buttocks.

"Stop looking." He said sternly.

"I swear, I wasn't." Iris said. Putting her hands up as if she got caught red handed.

"I get chills whenever you look at me so don't weasel your way out of this. Stop looking." Severus said, finally walking away to head to the lake.

Iris giggled to herself, walking away to the stairs to head to the Gryffindor tower. Lily followed her from a good distance. But rather than head into the fat lady's portrait, she brushes past it and continues to walk towards the empty classrooms. Lily continued to follow her, suspicious of Iris' intentions. Iris entered an empty classroom and Lily followed suit. Slightly opening the door, she saw Iris staring out the window at the far side of the room. Seeing that she was doing nothing, Lily was about to leave when Iris suddenly spoke.

"Took you long enough to arrive. I was beginning to think I might have been walking to quick for you to follow."

Suddenly the door swung open and Lily felt like she was being pushed by an unseen force into the classroom. The door closed shut and locked itself.

"What are you doing?" Lily asked defensively, brushing her fingers to her wand.

"Don't act like a cornered feral cat. It doesn't suit you." Iris said, looking away from the window to glance at her. "I know you've been looking for me the whole day, now that you have me alone. What is it that you wanted to ask of me?"

Lily approached Iris, still thumbing her wand. She looked out the window to see what Iris was staring at, only to find her staring at Severus who was at the beach of the lake looking through different plants.

"Why are you spying on Sev?" Lily asked in a demanding tone.

"I'm not spying, I'm watching. There's a difference between the two." Iris answered without glancing at Lily.

"It is when you're doing it secretively." Lily said through gritted teeth.

"It's not a secret, he knows I'm watching him. If a god's eyes were on you would you call it spying or watching?" Iris asked, turning to face Lily.

"Why are you doing it?"

"To protect him."

"He can protect himself."

"Pffft… I doubt that, especially when everyone is hostile towards him."

"Not everyone-"

"And do you mean, you? You're only one of so many students in this school, the ratios don't add up."

Silence followed them for awhile. Iris continued to watch Severus. Lily spoke again.

"How were you able to keep watching Sev last night? You were asleep, I saw you."

"Now look who's spying." Iris said rolling her eyes at Lily. "That's for me to know and for you to never find out. Of course you might be aware by now that I have my ways."

"How could I not be aware? You skipped herbology in the middle of a lecture and no one saw how you did it." Lily said eyeing Iris closely.

"Is this all you want to ask me?" Iris said turning her head lazily at Lily. There was a long pause before Lily spoke again.

"Why are you supporting him studying dark magic?" Lily asked.

Iris turned to her, she began to approach Lily without breaking eye contact. Lily suddenly felt terrified but she held her ground, never looking away from Iris.

"Why I'm supporting him? Simply because I know he'll never use it for ill purposes. As his supposed 'best friend' I thought you knew him well enough to know that too." Iris said, her blue eyes looked as if it shimmered while she spoke.

"But it's dangerous and it corrupts the wielder's magical core. Like the death eaters who follow, 'he who must not be named'." Lily said, whispering the last sentence as if it was taboo.

"So that's how you were all taught in this school? You all really need a new set of teachers with an open mind." Iris said chuckling.

"Why are you taking this so lightly?" Lily asked. Iris walked back towards the windows.

"Because I am aware of the thought that magic is not based on whether it is light or dark, but from the intention it was used for." Iris said, noticing that Severus had already picked up what he needed, he began to walk back into the castle. Iris walked away from the windows to sit at the teacher's desk at the front of the classroom. "Light magic doesn't necessarily mean good magic. What if I were to tell you that a witch, mother to 2 young beautiful children, twins, who sadly were born squibs. Killed them by scourgifying them in the mouth to choke them? Scourgify is not dark magic now is it? Such young lives, too young to cross the bridge." Iris said, whispering the last sentence for herself to hear.

"I-" Lily tried to say but Iris cut her off, jumping off the desk to approach Lily as she talked.

"Maybe a light potion perhaps? Let's say Amortentia. It's not labeled dark, but what of the intentions behind the user? You said so yourself last night, 'isn't it wrong to make someone do something they don't want to do'? Such as falling in love with someone they don't love back?" Iris said, circling Lily like a predator. "Can you imagine suddenly waking up to find yourself pregnant by a man or father to children you do not know or not even love? Isn't that called rape? And yet, I don't seem to see Amortentia in the list of forbidden potions yet, along with the other forbidden potions and spells that are labeled too dark to use."

Lily was stunned, she had no words to say. But Iris' lecture was far from over.

"Let's say I were to use Petrificus Totalus on you and Levicorpus you out of this classroom for the whole school of Hogwarts to see your knickers. Is it still light magic when the intention is awful? Let's see for ourselves." Iris said in a delighted tone.

Lily reached for her wand in her pocket but Iris was too quick, in one swoop Lily was in a full binding charm and began to float next to Iris as they headed for the door. Glancing at Lily, Iris could see the fear in her eyes. Iris began to chuckle until it became a full laughter.

"Oh you little hypocrite. See how terrifying that was? I haven't had this much fun since the oblivion of the first mortals." Iris said in-between laughs. Muttering the last sentence to herself, while trying to hold in cackling laughter so much she began to vibrate. "Now imagine how Viper must have felt since it actually happened to him, and you had the galls to compared him to Potter." Iris said, wiping a tear from her eye.

Dropping Lily down on the floor ungracefully and undoing the binding spell, Iris walks away while Lily picked herself up.

"You were bluffing?" Lily asked, while trying to collect herself from the nerves and fear. "And how did you know I compared Sev to Potter?"

"Of course I was bluffing, I don't have ill will for you." Iris said rolling her eyes at Lily. "Also because he told me when I found him screaming his heart out in the forbidden forest. But I hope this helps you see-" Iris approached Lily, crouching down to her level. Their noses inches away from each other. "-the world isn't black and white. There are gray areas, right now I am supporting Severus to study and understand both sides so that he can stand in his own gray area. While you right now-" Iris stood up to walk out of the classroom. "-are only standing on one side while closing your mind from everything else. Why do you think gods stay silent when the world is in ruins? It's because they are aware of both sides, when you know too much you'd rather prefer to stay silent." Iris said, leaving the room, speaking the last sentence in a dark tone. Leaving Lily still on the floor to contemplate.

Author's note:

Hi my lovely readers! I know I keep missing my update marks, and I am terribly sorry about that. I hope you like this chapter and thank you for all the wonderful reviews :) They keep me very motivated despite having to juggle college life and writer life. I am not only writing this fanfic but I am also writing my own action novel so please bare with me for the meantime. My publisher is also chasing me down the street for late chapters haha sad. Once my summer break begins I will pour my heart out on this. So don't you worry! By the way, I've been considering to post this fanfic in ao3 as well, what do you guys think?

Stay safe my beautiful readers! And happy reading!

Alexa V.