Post 22x12
There was a gentle knock on the already open door to his office followed by a, "Hey, counselor. You have a minute?"
Dominick Carisi looked up at the unexpected, but not unfamiliar voice. "Detective Tamin..." he began cautiously when he saw her standing there holding a drink carrier with two coffees. "What's wrong?" He dropped his pen on his desk with a sigh and closed the file he had opened.
"Wrong? Nothing's wrong." She said casually – a bit too casually for his liking- as she took a step into the office. "Can't a colleague share an afternoon coffee with another colleague on a random Wednesday afternoon? Or is that something that's reserved for just you and Rollins?" She added under breath, but just loud enough for him to hear her.
He ignored her remark as he eyed the Starbucks coffee cups suspiciously. "Maybe, but you clearly went out of your way to get Starbucks instead of something from the coffee cart around the block. You have an agenda, Tamin."
"Yeah, okay, well, maybe I do," she conceded, as she sat down in the chair across from his desk and handed him his coffee.
"And you thought I forgot how to be a cop..." he reminded her with a slight smile.
"Yeah," she winced. "Sorry about that, Carisi. But we've been pretty good lately, right?"
"Mmhm," he commented as he took a sip of his coffee before he turned his attention back to the law books on his desk.
"Well, we might not be so good anymore."
His eyes flew up. "So, you were buttering me up. What's this about? The Peterson case? Did we lose a witness?"
"No...no... it's not about that case." She was clearly stalling.
"Kat," he warned.
"It's about Sara Harper's case."
"Sara's case?" His brows furrowed. "That's not even my case. Hadid has that one."
"Yeah, I know. I mean, maybe it's not really about Sara's case per se. It's more about Sara's sister..."
His patience was running thin. "Spill it, Kat. What's Nicole have to do with this? Did she go to the media again? You want me to do some damage control or somethin'?"
"I may have said something about her in front of Rollins. I referred to her as your girlfriend this morning when Fin and I were talking about the reports and she heard me." Kat said quickly.
His face froze.
"Rollins looked blindsided, Carisi."
Sonny stood up from his desk and walked over to the door. He drew the blinds closed and pulled the door shut with more force than necessary before returning to his desk. He chose not to sit down, though, he braced his hands on the desk as he replied to Kat. "Yeah, well, she didn't know about her."
"No shit. I gathered that much." Kat snorted. "What the hell were you thinking by not telling her? I can get not telling the rest of us flat out, but come on, why didn't you tell her? You owe her that much."
He wanted to scream – because I'm in love with her- but instead he replied with, "Because she's my best friend and I didn't want to hurt her feelings."
Kat crossed her arms. "For being such a smart man, you're really stupid sometimes."
He rolled his eyes. "Just spit it out, Kat. Whatever it is you're trying to say, just say it."
She uncrossed her arms and leaned forward. "If you're more worried about her feelings than Nicole's feelings maybe you're dating the wrong woman, Carisi." He muttered under his breath and Kat couldn't make out what he was saying. "I didn't quite catch that."
He sighed. "I said – don't I know that."
"So, you do love Rollins." She stated simply.
"Of course, I do! I've been in love with her for years!" He blurted out – after years of trying to deny it, it felt so natural to admit it to someone besides his own subconscious.
They stared at each other in silence as Kat patiently waited for him to say something else – even though she was giddy with excitement and was mentally doing her "I knew it" dance in her head. She also was sure to notice that he said he was in love with her, not that he just loved her.
"Maybe I didn't tell her about Nicole because it's over with Nicole." He finally said, his voice barely a whisper as he tried to avoid Kat's intense gaze.
"What? Since when?"
"Since I spent nearly the entire day with Amanda in the hospital waiting room." He finally sat back down in his chair, sighing heavily in the process. "Everyone thought we were a couple – or married even - and I never bothered to correct the assumption. I cancelled dinner with Nicole again that night to be there for Amanda instead and I realized that I could never feel about Nicole the same way that I felt about Amanda. I chose Amanda over the girl I was dating twice, Kat. What kind of guy does that?"
"The kind of guy that wasn't in love with the woman he was dating," she shrugged. "Nicole was..." Kat struggled with what to say. She wasn't a fan of the woman, but she didn't want to be too brash either.
"Well, Nicole. She was nice enough," she forced herself to say, even though she didn't believe it. Kat had a gut instinct that Nicole's disdain for the police would cause tension for their relationship when she realized that Carisi would always be part cop. She figured Nicole would break up with him over that before he came to accept whatever his feelings were for Rollins.
"I just didn't see any chemistry or anything with you two," she added, honestly. "But with you and Rollins...wowza. You know what I'm saying?" She chuckled, raising her eyebrows up and down. "I don't believe that you two never-"
"Alright, Kat." He cut her off, knowing where she was going with that line of thought, as he shook his head.
"I'm just sayin'." She was convinced that something happened the night they had a little too much to drink after her match last year before the pandemic began and no one could convince her otherwise.
He tapped his pen – aggressively - against his desk as Amanda's voice echoed in his mind – I would be fine if you were right here beside me!
And he knew in the depth of his soul that was exactly where he wanted to be- at her side- forever.
"You know what?" It was rhetoric; he continued without waiting for Kat to say something. "Nicole's sister was abducted and I was barely there for her the way I was there for Rollins when all that stuff was going on with her dad. I knew what Amanda needed and how to help...how to comfort her and it's not because we have a history and it came naturally...it's because I wanted to. I didn't want to with Nicole, and that's horrible, but I know that I'd always pick Amanda first. I'd always drop everything when she needs me. I want to make her burdens less and take care of her. And Jessie and Billie? I really do love 'em like I would my own kids– and not out of obligation because I'm their godfather or anything like that. I love 'em because they are a part of her. I love all three of them so much. Those three Rollins girls are the best thing in my life and have been for a long time. I can't imagine a future without them in it."
He stole a sideways glance at his filing cabinet that was adorned with an array of artwork from those two special little girls and wished that he never would have removed the picture of Jessie and Amanda that he once had on his desk.
He sounded so disappointed in himself when he talked about how he had treated Nicole and Kat took pity on him. But she was enamored by the way he talked about how much he loved Billie and Jessie and the way he talked about wanting to be there for Amanda. She smiled sadly and said, "Then why the hell aren't you and Rollins together? She looks at you the same way you look at her." She wanted to yell at him in order for it to make sense, or hit him upside the head with a file folder, but she decided it was best to use a gentler approach now.
"I...I don't know. It's always been complicated with us."
"Maybe it doesn't have to be."
"We have too much to lose if it doesn't work out." Years of friendship, the bond they formed as partners, the perfect relationship he has with Jessie and Billie -everything became a risk. Three or four years ago, he would have jumped in with both feet without a second thought. His ability to be an eternal optimist would have won out, but now...now things just seemed different. Practicing law every day changed something about the way his thought process worked. It made him change the way he evaluated risk and sometimes he thought maybe playing it safe when it came to having a relationship with Rollins was better than losing everything if they tried and failed.
"Do you really think it won't work?" Kat asked with genuine concern.
"No... but how does anyone really know anything, you know? What if I'm crazy and just reading too much into something that's not even there."
Kat shrugged. "Well, you won't know until you try. And for what it's worth, Carisi, I don't think you're crazy. Remember the NYE Amber Alert?"
How could he forget, he thought to himself.
At his head nod, she continued. "Well, I told Rollins that I could handle things and she could get back to the girls, but she said that they were "at home with Carisi." She waited a beat, but he didn't say anything so she continued. "Don't you get it? She didn't say "Carisi's babysitting" or "Carisi's watching them." She said "they're at home with Carisi." Home. With you. She thinks of you as her home!" Kat threw up her hands in frustration and almost knocked her coffee cup over.
"Maybe you're reading too much into things, Kat." He tried to dismiss what she was saying. "That's a … stretch. I was at her home...that statement could be taken literally."
She sighed. "Well, I can't tell you what to do, Carisi, but maybe you and Rollins need to at least talk about this. It is exhausting being a bystander in all of this... I can't even imagine what it's like for you two." She picked up her purse and prepared to leave his office. "But one last thing..." she called over her shoulder as she stepped into the hallway. "Rollins took a late lunch today. She went to that diner she likes...do what you want with that information."
Sonny nodded slowly in her direction before he picked up his pen and attempted to get back to work. He paused for a moment and studied the little desk calendar propped up near his computer monitor. It had been a Christmas gift from Jessie and she had been so excited to give him the quote of the day calendar, proudly telling him that she picked it out all by herself, just for him. He smiled, thinking of Jessie like he always did when he saw the calendar and noticed that it was still on yesterday's date.
He ripped off the old sheet and crumpled it into a ball as he read the quote for today's date and it hit him like a gut punch.
"Take the risk, or lose the chance."
He pushed his chair away from his desk, logged off of his computer, and quickly slipped on his jacket – mentally calculating the quickest way to get to the diner near the precinct.
He didn't want to waste any more time or lose any more chances. He was going to take the risk – and he could only hope that Amanda would be willing to take the risk with him.