(During Episode 05 and after Episode 06)
(The songs mentioned in this chapter are Billie Holiday,'s The Man I Love - from 1939, and Body and Soul, from 1957 respectively.)
See the end for Notes.
Part V - A dream over the wreckage
Joaquin watched as Sam remained quiet for a long time. His drink untouched.
- What's up?
- Worried. - Sam replied while looking away.
- In general or for some particular reason?
- Imagine a deeply lonely person. Who finally finds someone with whom he identifies, someone with whom he is not afraid to be himself. Oh, God, I think I just realized that this is true for both of them.
- Both who? Dude, I'm not getting it. - Torres had an idea of whom Sam was talking about, but he need to be sure he was really understanding after all.
- My friend and the person he should never have helped and now that he no longer needs to help, that's exactly when he most wants to be able to do something.
- Okay, go on. - Yes, the younger soldier got it very well, he didn't need names.
- He has no one. And the only person he felt in touch is the person he needs to let go to where he could no longer reach. - Taking a breath, Sam tried to drink, but it didn't help.
- Crap.
-He doesn't open up, he doesn't talk about the things that still hurt him, he thinks I don't know anything about his relationships, but in fact I do. I just don't mention it directly because it's ... at the very least, delicate.
- Delicate, kind very personal or the person is fucked for this and talking can fuck even more?
- The fucked-up kind.
- And why can't he just be with the person he's with right now? - Almost rhetorical, but Torres wished to listen where Sam was going with his thoughts.
- I didn't say he's with the person ...
- Well, between the lines, you said.
- Look, he can't because the person has to go back to jail.
Sam and Joaquin stared at each other for one moment. Them both knew exactly what they were talking about. And now, them both were worried.
- Yeah, that's fucking delicate. Do you think he can do it?
- Do what needs to be done? Yes. But to be okay with that, definitely not.
###
"Steve... every day I wake up wondering why you're not here anymore. Every day. Everything about you tearing me apart, all the time. I live in the shadow of what we once were. Everything about you still burns in my heart. And yet... this same heart ended up letting in another feeling... too fast, in the most unlikely place and it hurts like hell. Why do I have to let go... someone who doesn't want to go? ..."
...
Sokovia, evening.
Bucky walked alone down the unfamiliar street, in the dim light of a few poles. The uneven cobbled streets were practically empty, nothing stood up in the face of old, worn-out architecture, a ghostly place that seemed to have been very beautiful once, in a distant day.
The memorial was empty when the soldier passed by. He knew it would be the last place there, but if it was empty, if Bucky was still alone in Sokovia, maybe a little more time would be a gift.
So he knew where to go the moment he looked at the monument carefully. He knew the handwriting, typical of left-handed, in which the address was written. Beautiful handwriting that he kept in the middle of the small notebook, hiding in his coat pocket. He no longer had many physical memories of anything and wanted, maybe foolishly, keep that one.
Bucky remembered very well the first time he had come face to face with Zemo. He remembered him writing, for some reason he had fixed in mind the man's left hand in tracing the paper with the pen. Perfect lines.
Imperfect feelings.
...
The soldier looked only once at the facade of the house, the first floor structured in stones. Above it stood a sumptuous building, despite the wear and tear, with ornate arches on each balcony. Of the three floors, the second one was lit. Climbing the small stairway that separated the front door from the street, he took the keys of the house in Riga out of his pocket. The key completely different from the others, served in the lock, making him understand why Zemo had given him those when they arrived in Latvia. Sam had no keys and Zemo had taken the extra key that opened only the front door. All the while, he had planned to have some way of meeting Bucky in Sokovia. Or, at least, he had wanted Bucky to go there.
So, Bucky was there. He knew at once that this house was the place Zemo's father used to live, to where Zemo had tried to escape destruction with his family, but they had never arrived. The village, outside the city, where they would be safe.
He chose not to look at what was not on the first floor, not at that moment. He crossed until he found stairs and went to the second floor, following the low sound of the music, much more familiar to him than anything he had heard in the few years he had been able to be aware. A phonograph music player. Billie Holiday's voice filled the place, and suddenly Bucky didn't feel out of place, for an instant when he allowed himself to be carried away by the song, the old house and the yellow lights in each corridor.
"Someday he'll come along
The man I love
And he'll be big and strong
The man I love
And when he comes my way
I'll do my best to make him stay"
The soldier smiled to himself, he was a fool but he no longer cared.
"If you think you can win me over even more... you're completely right..."
At last he entered the room where the music came from, he had barely managed to look at the place, Zemo was already in front of him and he lost his first words when he saw Bucky's face, the wounds caused in the fight against Walker still persisted.
- Oh, dear, how did this happen? Come, let me clean this properly... - A gentle hand led Bucky to the other side of the room, near the balcony, making him sit on the long velvet divan.
- Don't worry, it's gonna heal soon... is much better than a few hours ago. - Bucky tried, but it didn't help.
- Was worse?! - Zemo returned and sat down, carrying clean cottons and a glass, wich it's contents poured into soft cotton before carefully passing the other's marked face, the liquid quickly soothed the burning in the wounds.
- Walker tried to kill Sam and me. You were so damn right. Is a too big risk letting this serum exists, almost everyone who got this, fast went crazy and violent. Their morals torn, their selfish views rules them. Mercy and compassion disappears... Thank God that you destroyed almost all the Nagel's serum.
- I missed one and it went in the worst hands...
- It's not your fault, he did hit you with the shield IN THE HEAD, you could have died. - Bucky stroked the baron's light hair, taking care not to end up pressing the wound he knew was there, hidden among the soft strands.
- Luckily I had you to carry me home to recover. - The smirk back on Zemo's face was a relief.
- I'd carry you home, far away from all that shit, even if didn't have all this strength.
- I know. I have no doubt that you would. Is the point, James. Your heart IS the same. I was mistaken about one more thing... "there has never been another Steve Rogers, has there?". Yes. Has there one more perfectly uncorrupted. - The baron easily told to that point.
- Then there's a failure in your line of thoughts?
- No, there's an exception for this. Oh, yet I went too far, James. Too far. - He was not really regretting it. Finishing taking care of the soldier's face, he left things on the coffee table.
- I didn't get it. - Bucky got confused for a moment.
- I can't stop my feelings for you. I don't want to. - And was everything true, everything Zemo needed to confess, yet he though Bucky knew, he didn't want to let anything dubious, even not clarifying which feelings were those, his actions and his way with the soldier showed it very well.
- Sam told you were gonna mess with my mind. He was right, you did. But not in the ways he thought. You also messed with my heart. - All that craving for something to be kept in heart suddenly was becoming real, what they had, what they felt, what they were.
There was no more reason after all the game to be able to get a time that they did not have, no more reason to not be as they wanted to be, closer, much more together.
The soldier wrapped the other's body in his embrace while looking for the kiss that had captivated him. The Baron's hands on his face and neck, hands he thought were beautiful, a touch Bucky didn't want to miss.
When the kiss was broken, they remained embraced, one forehead against the other, despite their chaotic beginning, they had become sweet to each other, holding on to this truth even in the melancholy of painful words.
- We are prolonging this for too long, there is no way out this time. We must to end this. - The baron whispered as he kissed his soldier's jaw line, until he reached the chin, provoking him so contrary to his words.
- We will end this as we need to do. But not tonight. You came for where I found you easily, you're not running. I think I'm trying to run much more than you. - "Not now... I don't want to run from this..."
- No matter how you will choose to end this... will be fine, dear. If you look carefully, we already did to each other what most people in long relationships with any kind of label, never got closer to do for the person at their sides. - Zemo's words made Bucky think of things more distant than perhaps he was saying. Maybe that was exactly where the baron was headed. And he was not wrong, regardless of the intention.
- And this makes me wish it could last so much more... It should last...
- Despite of our desires, it won't. But we'll never be the same as we were before.
"How could I be the same after wanting so much that you would be mine? Is the most insane thing I've ever done. You shall make me more crazy than I already am, but I don't care anymore... You should be mine. And really forget one day circumstances made us enemies. This is all gone. Feels better having you in my arms like this..."
...
Bucky stopped, lying on the other's soft body, resting his elbows on the divan as he held the Baron's hands in his, bringing them to his face, kissing his palms and fingers slowly.
- I'm gonna miss this feeling... your hands... I just love your hands... And it's all scary because... a little more time and I'm afraid... I could love every part of you... - Without letting go of the other's hands, the soldier looked into the baron's beautiful brown eyes.
All of him was perfectly beautiful laying down over the dark red velvet, his light hair so messy now, sweet marks in his neck and chest, left there for everytime Bucky hold himself to not telling out loud "mine".
- You don't want me to tell everything that I crave, I already told so much but it seems that you refuse to understand. - Those brown eyes showed sorrow and affection.
- I want to deny all about you and forget that I had this time by your side... and it's just because I... I don't feel strong enough to let go a love for the second time... - "A love... oh, God, am I confessing?"
- Your words are changing fast... - "You wouldn't commit a mistake like this. Love. Neither saying it for me, neither... feeling love... for me... But you said."
- My feelings changed fast. You went from my enemy to circumstantial ally to my lover in less than two days... - Bucky lowered his head, resting on the curve of the baron's neck, he was sure he would not forget that scent that had made him intoxicated since he was close enough to smell it, even before they used Sharon's couch in Madripoor.
- Your lover... I wasn't that wrong wishing to keep you for me. - One hand escaped to caressing the soldier's face, while kissing his forehead.
- If it was what you wanted, so you got.
- I want you, James. Did I get?
- You got. No matter where you will be tomorrow... I'm damned because you got me. You won me. - "And I wish there'll be no tomorrow, then I could stay here, in the warmth of your skin, in a dream someone like me should not be dreaming…"
After a silent moment, the baron's voice came again, whispering against Bucky's hair:
- The keys of my place in Riga and also this place here, keep them with you. Oeznik will give you something else.
- Why this? - The soldier adjusted himself a little better in the embrace, looking up to see the Baron's eyes, waiting for an answer that came simple, but all the meaning implied there was immense:
- Calm places to stay if you want either to forget or to remember.
###
The empty glasses and plates had stood aside on the kitchen counter, two bottles of wine that Bucky's retirement could never afford, and now they were back in the room in pajamas, because it was the only thing comfortable to wear and easy to take off, and which still kept them warm even with the drafts in the village's cold house.
Zemo scoured the shelves in the living room, running from book to book while Bucky sat in the armchair next to the phonograph, watching what his lover was doing, curious.
- What are you doing? - He finally asked.
- Looking for something that you missed about american poetry. - Zemo answered without turning back.
- So Marvin Gaye is not the only american stuff you do like?
- You are an american stuff that I like, dear James. - The Baron took out of the shelves one copy of a blue hardcover book, turning to show it to Bucky. - Oh, here, this book. Read when you can. I'll mark one page for you.
- I thought you were going to show me... to read...
- No, better not. I would appreciate very much, but not today. There things in life we can share when far away. Others don't. Let's do the things we won't be able to share being far...
- You're right. Turn on the music again.
Zemo didn't understand at first what were Bucky's intentions, but left the book in the coffee table. He was changing the vinyl on the phonograph when the soldier standed up and came for him, embracing him from back, holding his waist while resting the chin in his shoulder. The well known rhythm came with Billie's voice one more time.
"You're making me blue
All that you do seems unfair
You try not to hear, Turn a deaf ear to my prayer
It seems you don't want to see
What you are doing to me
My arms are waiting to caress you
And to my heart they long to press you, sweetheart"
- Come. Dance with me. - The soldier whispered in the baron's ear, softly.
- You know that I'm terrible at dancing...
- No, you're not. You're terrible in a modern party, but this is totally different and I guess you are good at, just not as good as me because, you know, I spent long time in the 30's and 40's dancing...
Turning inside the soldier's arms, the baron held back his laughter, hoding his lover's neck to kiss him.
- Were you this smug when young?
- YOU saying someone is smug? Really?
- I'm not smug, I know what I worth, just it.
- All right, doll, if you're saying. - Was time for Bucky have a smirk on his face, yet this was the usual baron's expression. - Just come and dance because has a very long time I don't have a desire for dancing, so be smug about this.
In the middle of the room, Bucky held the baron's hand inside his metal hand, while holding his back to put them closer, and just moved following the song. As he thought, his partner really knew how to dance that, the old songs, the beautiful steps they both lead, yet Zemo was unused to that and Bucky had long decades without moving his body for anything that wasn't fight. They managed it, soon they nailed it.
That felt like home for the soldier. Dancing songs that he enjoyed, that was part of his happy time in life, with someone that, even for a little moment, was giving him strong emotions and a joy for being exactly where he was.
- I could dance with you for the rest of my life...
- I'll make you remember this one day, James.
- I hope so, doll.
- I would warn you about calling me "doll" once more, but is all old-fashioned in you, isn't it?
- For sure.
- I guess I have to take "doll" as a good thing so...
- Yeah.
If Bucky could know how Zemo was falling even more for seeing his smile, for the feeling of putting a smile in someone's face. For being the one who was making a so broken man wanting to dance and tell cute jokes and call for sweet names. For making that man feeling good enough to be himself, confident and charming.
"My heart is sad and lonely
For you I sight, For you, dear, only
Why haven't you seen it?
I'm all for you, Body and soul
I spend my days in longing
And wondering why it's me you're wronging
I tell you I mean it, I'm all for you, Body and soul
I can't believe it, It´s hard to conceive it
That you'd turn away romance, Are you pretending?
It looks like the ending
Unless I could have one more change to prove, dear
My life a wreck you're making
You know I'm yours for just the taking
I'd gladly surrender myself to you, Body and soul"
###
The sun passed through the curtain openings, coming with a cold breeze from the balcony door, which had been opened. That was not enough to wake Bucky, but the emptiness beside him on the bed alarmed him. However, before he could open his eyes, he felt the warm hands on his face, caressing him, and the voice that murmured near his mouth.
- James, my dear... I'm going first and I'll wait for you.
- You'll be okay? - The question was probably more to himself, perhaps because the soldier wanted to believe that Zemo, at that point, was stronger than himself to face what they needed. He kept his eyes closed while he waited for the answer, keeping the sensation of the warm breath against his.
- Knowing that you have me in your heart, I will. Don't worry. It's fine. - The sadness was there, in the Baron's voice, but it was accompanied entirely by softness and affection. An immense affection that Zemo wished could be the last thing the soldier kept about himself while they were still protected in their intimacy. Outside, everything would look different, but they already knew this enough to excuse what would happen when they walked out the door of that house.
The words were followed by one last kiss, slow and deep, as the soldier's hand drew caresses through the baron's soft hair. His Baron.
When the Baron walked out the bedroom door, Bucky still with his eyes closed, let out the sigh, in his voice so low that he didn't know if he had been heard or not.
- Mine. Go knowing that you're mine.
###
They were not alone at the Memorial. Yet a distance was left for their farewell. Bucky standing wearing a coat he stole from Zemo's wardrobe, the scent was still there, the baron's expensive cologne, a fragrance of temptation. Would become a scent of missing.
- I thought you'd be here sooner. Don't worry. I've decided I'm not going to kill you. - "I've decided it before you even took me out of the jail. Was your eyes, perfect, uncorrupted as your heart."
- Imagine my relief. - "Fool. Don't do this to me."
- The girl has been radicalized beyond salvation. I warned Sam, but he didn't listen to me. He's as stubborn as Steve Rogers before him. - The Baron had one last thing to say about the mission, because they didn't told even one word about this to enjoy the only night they have to be each other's lover." - But you... They literally programmed you to kill. - "It's not your fault. Accept this, don't blame yourself like that anymore." - James, do what needs to be done. - "What you believe you need to do." - Karli has people everywhere, and there's only one way to make sure she cannot continue her mission. - "Be careful, James."
- I appreciate the advice. But we're gonna do it our own way. - "Maybe it means your way too, you're not wrong anyway."
- Yeah. I was afraid you would say that. - "Say that you're still unable to use yourself totally, because it puts your life in danger."
The gun was pointed to the baron's head and yet Bucky took out all the bullets, his hand was still shaking, so nervous.
Zemo desired for that moment, that his lover had courage enough to pull the trigger and let him join his family, just let him not living alone again after finding a love that he couldn't keep. He nodded, was everything right if that man, his dearest, could give him the mercy of death. But the soldier couldn't. The only "damage" he could do to his baron was the marks on the neck he left during the last night. Hurting him never was an option.
After the bullets felt from Bucky's hand, finally the Dora Milaje came around the men.
- Ladies... - Zemo received them respectfully, yet they're going to take his chance to hold that love. - I took the liberty of crossing off my name in your book. I hold no grudges for what you thought you had to do. - "You have nothing to worry about me anymore... just keep me in the good parts of your memory." - Goodbye, James. Я буду скучать по тебе, моя дорогая. *(I'm going to miss you, my dear.) - He whispered the last words in russian, while walking without looking back.
"Я снова найду тебя, Земо. *(I'm going to find you again, Zemo.)" Bucky's words died in his mouth before being said. Bitter.
- We will take him to the Raft... Where he will live out his days. - Finally Ayo talked to the soldier, while observing his distant eyes. - It would be prudent to make yourself scarce in Wakanda for the time being, White Wolf.
- Fair enough. - The warrior started her way when the man's voice came again. - Hey! I may have another favor to ask of you.
Ayo stopped walking and turned to listen carefully what her friend had to ask. She noded, agreeing. But she didn't take back again her way to the ship. Staring at Bucky's face once more, she couldn't leave like that.
- Why you look so sad, White Wolf?
- He means something, Ayo. It's fair with you, with Wakanda, but is unfair with him at the same time. He's not what was believed and if something like me deserved forgiveness, so does him. - Even being about Zemo, for Ayo, he could tell. He knew that he could.
- What did you found there?
- The same sort of things that I found on you. A strong heart even in adversity, strong morals yet a bit different from mine but that helped me a lot to see above my limitations. An unexpected help with everything inside of me, comprehension. He just... was able to change something in me for better in so little time. He commited his crimes, he never denied what was done years ago, but he's not a criminal. He's still trying to deal with the loss... but he regrets deeply that as a side effect of his actions, he made innocent people to lose their beloved too. You saw his eyes...
- He had no fear if death comes to him by your hands. As it was one last honor he could get, a compassion lead to him by someone that is expressive valuable for his heart. One last honor then the peace of joining his family. - She saw much more than the baron's eyes, as she was seeing his friend's too.
- Then you understand.
- You want to save him.
- But I can't.
- The views of justice for my culture are powerful and righteous. The King said the living were not done with Zemo yet. You included in the "living".
- His time here by my side worth much more for me than all his time doing nothing confined. Paying the price may vary if we look from different points.
- Wakand claims to clean it's shame and I agree. But also, I don't disagree with you. My loyalty and beliefs are with my King and my kingdom. My heart is free to understand what goes far beyond there and my duties. I'm seeing you, I saw him. I'm sorry for the only thing I can do for you is offering my open heart to your feelings.
- Don't apologize, you have nothing to. I owe you my sanity. And I give you my gratitude for worrying and listening to me.
###
Surroundings of Novi Grad, Sokovia
Bucky walked on the rubble, fallen pieces of what was once a nation, from where there used to be life. Wreckage and ashes under his feet, looked like what was in his heart at that moment. He wanted to feel, for a moment, a fraction of the pain that Zemo had known there years before. Under a silver sky, where the sun could no longer pass through the clouds, raindrops slowly washed away the dust, sliding down a face already marked by tears. Traces that could not be distinguished. Once Sokovia was the place where Zemo built his happiness, watching his little son grow up. And once, that man wounded his hands until the flesh bleed to discover his family under all the destruction. Just to be able to bury them with dignity.
Two days, he said. Two days until he found them. Two days of digging in despair just to know that nothing was left to him.
Digging into that fallen world where Bucky now stepped.
- Мне так жаль... - The soldier whispered his apologies to the wind, letting them fall on the bitter earth that was now soaked. - Perhaps I too had gone mad. Perhaps with even less shock than yours. Wanting me to pull the trigger had nothing to do with proving that I am still what I was. Ayo is right. Why did you believe me so much that you thought there would be honor in dying by my hands?
...
Oeznik was waiting on the borders, under the umbrella, when Bucky left the the fallen city. The car was next to them, waiting as well.
- You should go back to the house, Sir. A storm is coming.
Bucky didn't care if all the storm fell on him. But the butler (or whatever Oeznik could be) was too old for that.
- Right, but I'd rather go walking. Go first, I'll be there soon.
- The Baron warned me that you would be stubborn. So you are, Sir. I will be waiting.
...
The storm started falling just a moment after Bucky get back inside the house. The empty house now that his lover was gone. He didn't wanted to stay for too long or the good memories Zemo gave him there would turn into pain.
Yet, he tried his best to keep the composure to stand with Oeznik a little more after the butler serves a tea in the room. Sitting in the velvet divan where he was cared, where he felt he was... someway... loved.
- Sir James, the Baron asked me to give it to you. - Oeznik held out his wrinkled hands in the direction of the soldier, a small box revealing, which Bucky held, but did not open, facing the butler again.
- Just wait, why do you keep calling me "Sir"? - The american knew very well how hierarchy was important in places like Sokovia, that treatment pronoun was not used for him by the butler before, but now it was. This got him feeling awkward, only Zemo was called "Sir" by the butler.
- In my understanding, the courtesy-title is applicable to you. You, Sir, is the only person alive who has a personal bond with the Baron. - The answer carried some vague emotion that Bucky couldn't identify. There was something more in that, something that only Oeznik heard from Zemo... or he just understood his master.
The way to try to understand too, even a little, was opening the box, so the soldier did. He kept silent while looking the content. That gave him even more questions. But only the simple one came to his mouth.
- Why?
- Prisons does not allow any sort of jewelry. He cannot keep this, Sir. Also... he believes that you are the only who would understand how much it means for keeping it safe.
- Safe from what?
- From being forgotten, I suppose.
...
"You're not being forgotten. Not the one who didn't abandon me. I'll find a way. I can't lose you. And one day, you will figure out that I didn't abandon you too."
###
Life's dreary for me
Day's seem to be long as years
I've looked for the sun
But can see none
Through my tears
Your heart must be like a stone
To leave me like this alone
When you could make my life worth living
By taking what I'm set on giving, sweet heart
My heart is sad and lonely
For you I cry
For you, dear, only
I tell you I mean it
I'm all for you
Body and soul"
###
Everything had it's end, the Flag-Smashers, the shield was in the safest hands, he gave the closure to Yori. He finished the notebook and he let that go. Letting go something about the pain for loving Steve, yet he still loved. Everything was going well.
At least on the surface.
In his heart, the missing remained the most intense feeling. His missing of Steve. And now, his missing of Zemo.
Now, he loved twice in life.
Before taking his way to Sam's place, Bucky sat down in the only armchair in his house, bringing the small box with him. He opened that for the first time since he left Sokovia. The golden ring alone inside. Oeznik told him that the baroness' ring was buried with her, and the baron's remained there, alone like it's owner.
"No, not alone. You won't be alone."
Bucky holded the ring in his flesh hand, knowing that was the most precious thing Zemo had, the only thing he wished to be preserved.
Taking off the dog tags from his neck, the soldier opened the chains letting the ring slide through it until it joins the metal tags.
Putting that back, he felt what was resting against his chest. The feelings and the memories, not only his own, but all the things Zemo had in heart too. Was too much to give to someone.
"How could you, being you, not know that you got my heart? So you gave me yours. I'll hold you back in my arms one day. And when it happens, I won't ever let you go. I guess you already know this."
###
He knew that the ring was too exposed and Sam would eventually ask about that. Then he would finally find a way to tell everything for his best friend. Everything about loving Steve and the pain of letting him go without a chance. Everything about falling for Zemo until it burns, but he wasn't really letting him go.
He wasn't afraid of the truth anymore.
###
"The weight of the world is love. Under the burden of solitude, under the burden of dissatisfaction. The weight, the weight we carry is love.
Who can deny? In dreams, in touches, the body, in thoughts, constructs a miracle, in imagination anguishes till born in human-
looks out of the heart, burning in purity - for the burden of life is love." Allen Ginsberg.
###
Notes:
This is for you, my beatnik boy Arthur. When I found you, everything became better and I don't feel alone anymore. I couldn't tell everything you brought, then I left this which sounds so much like their love. "One poem that is a whole romance itself".
#
From all Old-fashioned pet names, "dear" is my favorite, and I found so cute and beautiful when FuddleWuddle used "Doll" coming from Bucky to Zemo, because is REALLY an old way and this were used here in Brazil (where I'm currently living) too. My grandparents, that are between their 80s-90s, and other people in their age are the only I still listen frequently using "doll". So, Bucky using "doll" is very true to the character for me. (He's old, what could I do?)
"Dolls are beautiful and perfect. If you tell someone they are a doll you are saying that they are a wonderful person"
#
By now, is this the end. But maybe not definitely. If comes the post-Raft events, will be in another story, a sequel. But here we are finished.
I'm going to miss them so much. Thanks for reading.